ok so i'm REALLY worried about my 23yr old step daughter. her dad and i know we can't keep her from making poor decisions but OMG. dh really wants to talk to her about what she's doing....but not sure how to approach it
a little back ground. long story short he wasn't there when she was growing up (mom took her away from him and blah blah blah...water under the bridge now), we've/he's only seen her ONCE since she was 2, she live 2 states away so we can't easily go visit her.
she met a guy on face book, has had 2 person to person meetings they've dated for 4 months and are planning to marry in june (our anniversary) he lives 2 states n of her and she was planning on moving up n with him in 5 months but now only 3 weeks! cause she can't stand to be away from him...i told her to be careful not to rush something worth waiting for but really it's not my place to protest, it's her dad's and her mom's (which her and mom dont' have a good relationship together) he's fearful to protest her plans because he doesn't want her to choose to have nothing to do with him again.
just not sure how we/he should handle this if at all
it's all a shocker to us because less than a year ago, she didn't see the "point in a marriage vs a commited relationship". despite our own financial difficulties we JUST less than 6 months ago paid a deposit on a utility to get the elec on so her and the grandbaby (4)were not without elec....now she's moving..yes i flat out told hubby, that we're not helping her again unless she decideds to go to college or move closer to us because she is making stupid decisions resulting in evictions and now jumping on the marriage ride too soon in our opinion.
any thoughts?
to iluvmywife-he wasnt there by choice, her mom took her away from him and demanded her side of the family to not tell him where she was or she'd take her from them too so they cooperated. his daughter and him have talked and she told him that her gma who raised her told her that his part of the story was true and we've seen convo's on facebook she's had with her mom on wall posts giving her 3rd degree, my husband has proved he tried contacting her all along but forces were against him.
i told my husband that we will not give her any more financial support, if this blows up in her face and she winds up in a really bad situation (beaten or stranded) then we will help by bringing her to Oklahoma only. i told him i'm offended because we JUST put up the deposit and now she's moving again.
i suggested to him to ask her why she has to move in with him instead of him moving in with her so she's not stranded if something goes wrong. i told him i'm not comfortable talking to her about this unless she asks me so it's up to him. i told him since i'm step mom i will be the "friend" to her this time-normally am.
to other posts, we are not judging the guy or the relationship, just the speed of things and we are very well aware that this could turn out to be the best thing she's ever done and this could be the best thing thats ever happened to her. i've offered to help her plan the wedding and offered to let her use my boquet and be her free photographer if she wants..so we WILL support her and she knows that...our parental flags are just going up everywhere.
there is no talking to her mom especially with my husband all he wants to do is send her an e-mail on facebook giving her 3rd degree for taking her away from him but he says it's all water under the bridge and mom short with her answer's to his daughter. i made him promise me if she is there at the wedding he is NOT to say a word to her and if she wants pics that are his ex and him only with her, i want him to cooperate for his daughter.
just to give a little more info, she is where she grew up, all of her family are either in ok or ca so she IS alone, so i can see her "why" -been there done that just worried she's not thinking clearly
She's 23 and making her own decisions. If you are unhappy with her decisions just dont offer financial assistance. I wouldnt.
I don't think she is going to change her mind regardless of what her parents say. I think your husband should tell her he's worried about her and her child. He doesn't agree with her decision but he loves her and will be there for her no matter what.
To be honest, If my Dad had only seen me ONCE in 21 years, I would not listen to a word he had to say either. She's looking for love from a man to replace that hole she has in her heart for the lack of relationship with her father.
I know plenty of people that met online and are in happy, successful marriages. Maybe her and this man have really gotten to know each other online and through phone calls, maybe they skype.
So, it depends on how well she knows this guy. There really is nothing you can do or say that will change her mind, but maybe she thinks this guy can offer a stable solution for her problems (which almost never works out).
You can calmly and respectfully ask about him in a lighthearted conversations with her, tell her you are looking forward to getting to know him, how many siblings does he have, does he have any hobbies, what line of work is he in, has he gone to college or plan to, does he have other children, how is her with her child, does he have a religious affiliation, is he close to his parents, how did she know he was 'the one', did they meet through a mutual friend, what is his best quality, how does he treat his mother, does his family like her, what was their first date like, what kinds of plans do they have for the future...?
If she doesn't know the answers to these questions, tell her that maybe she doesn't know him well enough to rush into an immediate move-in. Ask if she would consider waiting a little bit not only for her well being, but the well being of her 4 year old child until she can really make sure they are on the same page.
She obviously doesn't have the closest relationship with you both, so your opinion may not hold much weight or just tick her off more. Whatever you do, be careful and try to not come off as judgmental, but as supportive and that 'you will always be there for her if she or her baby needs it."
I have a completely different perspective on this. I was 22 and a single mother when I met my husband...on the internet. I lived in Ohio and he lived in Texas. We talked online and on the phone for hours. We met online in Sept. 2001. We met the first time in person in January 2002, and the second time in February 2002. We were married in April 2002...yep, the third time we met, we married.
We've now been married for 8 1/2 years. We'll be renewing our vows in 2012 on our 10th anniversary. We have four wonderful children.
Have you met the guy she wants to marry? Maybe you should invite them over for the holidays. Get to know him, and the two of them as a couple, before you go judging their relationship.
I don't think that there is much you can do, other than keep the communication open and know that if she changes her mind, you are there. If she is 23 and has a 4 year old, and has money problems, I'm sure that she sees this as a "fix" to her situation. Kind of like a rebound guy. I wouldn't provide the financial support, but you can offer care for the granddaughter, if you see that being needed, under the guise of "while you two get to know each other".
As a parent it is so hard to watch our sweet children make bad decisions... but they are their decisions to make. They need to learn how to make them and deal with the consequences (good or bad ) that come about from their decision making.
If it should fall apart just be there to help pick up the pieces.
I think you can voice your concerns without her freakin out and not speaking to you. Just start out the conversation with "Honey can I tell you how I feel" and if she says "yes" then sweet and if she says "no" just say "ok Im here for you no matter what."
Good Luck!
shes 23 whats to discuss she has to make her own mistakes and boy is she fixing to make a doosy
She sounds naive and head strong- two hard characteristics to reason with!
Can you talk to her mother? Would she be able to help?
Sorry that your family has to worry like this. The only thing you can do is be understanding and do your best not to judge because it could just push her further away.
Good luck to her and your family!
Most likely, she's going to do what she is going to do but you can always drop little pearls of wisdom her way and hopefully she will take them to heart and think about it a little. The trick is to make it appear like you are not trying to give her advise, just making a little statement of a truth that you have come to realize. And you can't go on and on about it or have any expectation that she heard you or will follow your advise. It is very important that you be extra cool and indifferent in your delivery and, even then, she still may not follow your advise but at least you tried.
I hope that, for her sake, she does end up listening to you.
Yes she's 23, and yes this does sound fast, but she has to follow her path. What does she learn if she's not allowed to fail? Since you are pretty certain that she will need you help in the future, I would set some money aside so that when the time comes, its there and you won't be further burdened by last minute events.
M.
Really really tough one... primarily b/c as much as your husband wants to get involved, she probably doesn't view him as a parental figure (but certainly sees him as a financial resource).
I would suggest that he make a one-time effort to talk with her (not "at" her) about her decision. He's not telling her "don't do it" b/c frankly he doesn't have relationship with her to do that, but if he phrases it as "just reassure me that you know what you're doing" he may get a better response. See if she really as a plan- where will they live, do they have jobs, have they discussed "major issues"... Tell him to be as neutral as possible... he's not really "dad" here and he needs to remember that and tread lightly.
He has every responsibility to express his concerns, but once he has done so he needs to back-off. She's an adult and can make her own decisions. You want to make sure that she knows she can call you anytime and about "anything". In reality, he may be a good guy, but then again he may not and no one knows at this point. Make sure that she knows you are supportive of her, even if you do not agree with her decisions.
God forbid & he's not a good guy, she needs to know that she can call you and you will help her get out- no questions asked.
I know it's hard, it was hard for my parents when I moved several states away to be with a man I had met online.
I never attended college, never help a taxable job, then I up and move in with a man I had only met in person twice. The second visit I came home with an engagement ring.
We're now married and have a beautiful 4 year old. I'm still close with my family, partly because they calmly voiced their worries and made sure I knew that they were going to stand by me and my choice, no matter how crazy they thought it was.
I'm just saying, this too could turn out well. It may seem fast and risky, but if you love her you'll stand by her, stand or fall. If money is tight tell her that you can't help in that way, but that she knows where you guys live and if she ever needs to come home she can, no questions asked no "I told you so.".
Also keep in mind online dating is a bit different, while it allows for an amazing amount of lies, it also allows for an amazing amount of truth. I was socially awkward, shy and really scared of the world. The internet let me put out who I was first before anyone got a look at me. It helped that I never lied about myself to my DH, or portrayed myself as anything less or more then what I was. He got to know me, the real me, the me you couldn't get to know unless you'd known me for years. We also interacted with each other every day. We compacted our hours in to such a short span of time, but if you think of the pure numbers, we spent nearly 8 full hours together every day in one way or another. Do regular couples spend that much time together when they are just dating? Some people have no hesitation about having sex with someone on a first date or even a second date, after spending only 2 to 3 hours with them each date.
Just a little bit to think about. Let her know you'll be there for her if she really needs you and wish her luck.
Good luck!
She's an adult and I think you gotta let her go, learn from mistakes & grow as a person.
I would not be so vocal about the "NO more financial help" b/c, after all this is your husband's child and while it might be the "right" attitude & plan, sometimes the heart of a parent takes over.
I wish her luck!
Unfortunately, she will need to learn the hard way as painful as it is. She is probably one to take awhile to "wisen" up. That being saidl all you can do is show love and keep the lines of communication open. Be supportive, however, do not offer financial resources which causes the enablement cycle to go on and on...Stick to your guns. This will either work out or eventually she'll get it and do what you suggest.
