My daughter lives at home. She is considering going out with a 38 year old man. What do u ladies think? She did not date until she was 18 because she was shy. That relationship lasted 3 years. They broke up about a year ago.
She has grown out of her shyness.
In some ways she is mature because she is used to hanging out with me because we are very close.
I dont think he has any trouble dating girls of any age because he is good looking and very young looking. He looks like he is only 28.
Since I wrote this they have still been dating a get along really well. So we shall see.
I am 46 and my husband is 61. My daughter is 21 and her fiance is 32.
Age isn't what's important, how they feel about each other is.
One of my best friends married a guy 20yrs her senior when she was 19. They're still married, have two wonderful children and are doing just fine. So I don't see a problem with a 22yr old dating a 38yr old. They're both adults. Who are we to judge, right?
My husband is 9 years older than I am. I am 24, we started dating when I was 19. My best friends husband is 11 years older than her, she is 25. They started dating when she was 20.
Age is nothing but a number.
I think it's time she moved out.
I used to date MANY older men.
Ignoring the mid life crisis folks (you learn to spot them fairly quickly) one of the things I like BEST about older men is:
What you see is what you get.
They know WHO they are. They know what they want out of life. In general, they don't care what other people think (a good thing, meaning that if they like you, they like you... there's no dilly dally of do their friends also 'like' you, because if they don't then blah blah blah). There's very little in the way of surprises. Older men are (as a rule of thumb) FANTASTIC... because their tempers, their tastes, their spending habits, how they view the world... they are just solidified. There's very little guess work with a man in his prime.
All of this is versus young men who are still figuring out who they are, very easily influenced by friends/media, and just plain and simple don't have the life experience yet to avoid the acres and acres of DRAMA that usually come with dating a young man. A man at 23 and a man at 33 are often VASTLY different people.
Will she marry him? Unlikely. That's a whole other series of issues (cart and horse)... but the dating experience is pretty invaluable. One of *my* biggest mistakes, however was marrying a young man after almost exclusively dating older men for several years. I FORGOT that 'what I see ISN'T what I get' with a young man.
I think she is 22 and she can make her own decisions.
let her go. she is an adult. and things might work out for the best with them. if not it will be a learning lesson for her.
First thought... what's wrong with the 38 year old that he isn't attracted to women his own age? Second thought... maybe your daughter is very mature for her age and age isn't important to either of them? Third thought... what could they have in common?
(so as you can see... I can't figure out what I think)
They are just going to date, so I dont think you should worry about it too much. She'll decide whether she likes him or not. I'm sure he's happy to be dating a much younger gal, but time will sort out whether they are truly suited for the long haul, and she can't know till she tries. She IS 22, so there isnt much you can do. I was 22 when I married my first husband, he was 32. And my husband now is 8 yrs older than I am. Like you said, she's mature for her age, and he's probably a little immature for his age, so they might blend just fine.
I think she is grown and she is able to do as she pleases.... But then again idk why she is still living at home... Unless she in in school or something... I am 22 also, and my hubby is 34... But our circumstances are way different than hers but she should be fine...
A girl's gotta eat, right?
I think much depends on the individuals, if they really have things in common, if they are in a similar place in life. I met my DH when I was just shy of 23 (dated a year later, after we became friends) and we married when I was 26 and he 40. As far as the attraction, he didn't know I was only 22 when we met. He thought I was older and I thought he was younger. Sometimes it's not about looking for a hot young thang or having a daddy complex.
Things to consider down the road include children (does he have any? does he want any? is she happy with what he wants or will she maybe change her mind - I did), future goals and life plans, etc. Much like any other relationship. I do worry more about when my husband is old (I watched my grandmother take care of her husband - 17 yrs her senior - in his last years) but day to day I don't think about his age and vice versa.
My husband is 17 years older than me, and he's awesome. Not just the best guy I've ever dated, but the best guy I've ever known. (That said, I do have to crack the whip on him sometimes, lol). Yeah, we have had some issues to discuss and figure out (planning the retirement situation, yes he'll probably die at a ripe old age but before me, etc....but the good very very very far outweighs the not so good.
Being a mother's girl doesn't make someone mature though; don't know her situation and not going to try to judge it, but being mature is more than talking to adults. There are a lot of people 35 years old that have no idea who they are and are in therapy trying to reevaluate. There are some 25 year olds that have lived a lot of life and have a solid foundation on who they are, what they want, where they're going. My concern about someone dating an older person when they're very young is that they could define themselves by the relationship, or lose their identity before they know what it is, trying to fit into a mold the other expects of them. If she's solid as a person, and he's interested for the right reasons, age shouldn't be a problem. I began dating my husband when I was 24, but I'd dated "forever", I was active in school, I did the whole excessive partying thing and lived on the street a few months, I went to school again, traveled to 6 countries before meeting him, was very active in volunteer work and had my own career. I'd experienced a lot of things, and knew who I was. That, to me, is mature. I wouldn't have a problem if my kid, at that stage, dated someone older. But if they didn't know who they were yet, I'd be leery of someone wanting to "shape" them. Just my opinion.
From a young girls perspective (I am 20) I dated a guy 8 years older than me and I did not like it at all. He was very controlling and used our age difference against me, but around other people he seemed like mister perfect. Plus after a little while I just noticed that we didn't have much in common. I think after awhile it might start to bug her, it did me but I had waited so long that it was hard to find the right time to really break things apart and it made me miserable and in the end we couldn't even be friends anymore cause it had gotten so bad.
I had just turned 21 when I met my now husband he was 34. My parents really did not like him much we were 1st together. (they realized that he was a great guy and now my parents love him) but as any relationship it comes to a point where you know its either a hit or a miss reguardless of age. 14 years later we are very happy.
i have dated guys up to 20 years older than myself, about the time i was her age. i have dated younger guys. i ended up married to a man 9 1/2 years older than myself. he looks 5 years younger than his actual age. he acts 15 sometimes. yet we had discussions early on about the fact that he would retire before i would, he would die and make me a young widow at some point, did we want a child together, etc. if she can't sensibly have these discussions without compromising what she wants out of life, then that would be my only worry. remember, she's over 18 and makes her own decisions. if you forbid her, then she will rebel.
I think you should not judge a relationship based only on ages. Not saying it isn't an awful idea but age alone will not show you that.
If you nix this she will use it against you. She is an adult it isn't your business really. And who knows? He might be the one.
ultimately it is her decision.... but I would ask her about him, in a friendly way.
Ask her how they met, and what she likes about him, and what they have in common... She is an adult and maybe it is a perfectly honest relationship... or maybe he is hoping to take advantage of her... but without knowing all the details there is no way to know.
Feel free to put in your 2 cents as a mother, but respect her right to make her own choices and mistakes. He may be a really awesome person with the best intentions... ya never know!
Good Luck!
-M.
I think it is gross. He should not be even thinking of it and she should date closer to her age. Just my opinion, I am now 41 and think older men are more handsome but at 22 I thought that was gross. ;o)
Hmmm. I'm not sure if your daughter is mature or not. Hanging out with her mother and living at home doesn't necessarily make her mature. Maybe she's living at home working on a PhD or something, I don't know.
If he seems like a nice guy and she goes out with him and it turns out he isn't, she can end it. Dating someone doesn't mean marrying them.
A few years after my divorce, I was asked out to dinner by a handsome guy and accepted. Imagine my shock when we both learned he was 10 years younger than me. He'd never been married or had kids. I had done both. Plus been divorced. There were no hurt feelings, I just couldn't see it going anywhere. We did have an amazing dinner and he wasn't a creep or anything. He got married a few years later and had a couple of kids, which I could not have given him. It was a date.
Before I got married I went out with a couple of guys that I couldn't even finish sitting through dinner with, it was THAT bad.
You gotta kiss a lot of frogs.....
Hopefully your daughter knows to end things if they go badly and hopefully she can "date" and get to know someone before she makes any real judgements. Especially based on age.
My grandfather was much older than my grandmother and ironically, he outlived her. He never remarried or had another woman in his life. She was his true love. So...you just never know.
It starts or ends with a date. If she wants to see him, I think she should.
Just my opinion.
This doesn't sound bad compared to my mother. When she was 62 she married a man that was 33, four years youger than her youngest child. Yuck!
It may work now and who knows what any of our futures hold but I can say I would not want to be married to a 86 year old man when I am only 70. A woman I used to work with married a man 25 years her senior. Although she loved him dearly, she said she would not recommend it. She took care of him for many years while she was still in her prime before he eventually passed away.
At your daughter's age though she is going to do what she is going to do but I know I would not be thrilled about it if she were my daughter.
Well I think it is a little strange (Im 20) but I dont think age should be a problem. She is old enough to decide what she would like to do. I had a friend my senor year who was 18, she started dating a 35 year old and now they are happily married with a 2 year old little boy! She is 22 and he is 39 and I still cant get my head wrapped around it, but they are happy so thats all that matters. Oh and you would be surprised what they have in common... it's a but crazy! :)
I think going out with someone vs committing to a life time is different. What kind of values have you instilled in your daughter? Does she have a good mind and good morals? Are you and dad going to meet the guy when he picks her up? Bottom line, are you fearful that some older man will take advantage of your daughter. Is she a looker, a wall flower, smart, not so smart? What has she told you about the guy? You don't seem worried.....are you? If so, keep a close watch. The guy may be a balding, desperate, immature loser OR, he could be the prince you want for your princess.....
Blessings...
she's over 18. she can date anyone she wants.
age is not the sole deciding factor in a prospective mate. is it ideal? maybe not. but there are far worse things than an age gap.
a dear friend of mine is married to man 25 years her senior. he developed alzheimers tragically early, and now she's got 5 kids and a husband who is dependent and difficult to live with. it's a high price to pay.
if you suggested to her that it wasn't worth it and she should have married a man her own age, she would probably knock you into next week. they had many glorious years together and created spectacular babies. she considers this part of the package.
and your daughter probably won't marry this guy anyway.
khairete
S.
I think it depends on the two people. 22 and 38 seems like a pretty big gap, but I have known 22 year olds who are wise beyond their years and 38 year olds that act like they are still in high school. Sometimes it matters, sometimes age is nothin but a number.
I think I was a little bit older than your daughter when I started dating an older man. When I found out his son was just a few years younger than me I kinda rethought the whole process. Who knows maybe the guy will be a gentleman and maybe he'll be a controlling a&&. You have to let her make her own decisions. She's at that age where she is testing the waters in the dating world to see what's out there. If anything she'll find out what she wants and doesn't want when the relationship is over or during. Good Luck.
My husband is 20 yrs older than I am. We met when I was 28, got engaged 6 wks later & married a year later when I was 29. I wish I would have met him when I was 20! We have an awesome relationship and I am treated like a queen by him. He is a very good man and I am so glad I didn't worry about an age gap. We both don't feel like there is any gap in our ages. He is very mature and I have always been mature as well. He's an awesome husband and father. People put too much of an emphasis on the number thing, when in reality, it should be what kind of person are they and how will you be treated by them.
To answer Trish N's question, First thought... what's wrong with the 38 year old that he isn't attracted to women his own age?
This is my husbands opinion: By that age (40's) women have too much baggage and hate men by that time, so who wants to deal with a pinch faced woman who can't stand men?!
I have to agree with him & don't blame older men for wanting to date younger women who haven't been tarnished by the man haters.
My husband stopped dating for many years because of women's attitudes and also because so many of them were "easy" and were not challenging. He has known lots of bobble headed women in his lifetime and was just fed up. It was only by chance that him and I met. Neither one of us were looking for somebody older or younger, we just met and instantly knew we were perfect for each other. We've been happily married for almost 8 years and have 2 wonderful children and a 3rd on the way!! I love my life with my "old" man, lol!!
