Is Cheating Ever a Solution?

blah blah blah I'm catholic blah blah blah he's mean blah blah blah I'm justified in cheating blah blah blah

Nope. Still not okay. Ever.

It's never a solution - it's a SYMPTOM of big problems.

Get counseling.

And any "man" who knows a woman is married, WITH KIDS, and wants her to "make the first move" is, excuse my bluntness - a bastard and an a$$hole.

Get a divorce. Kids are better off in homes where their parents are happy, not necessarily where their parents are together. And they know when you're only staying together for them. And they blame themselves.

Cheating is Never a solution.
If your marriage is over then end it.
(Waiting for the kids to turn 18 is not realistic.
You want them to think a cheating unhappy marriage is what passes for 'normal'?
They will imitate what they think is normal in their adult lives.
Don't be a bad example for them.)
And THEN you can start a new relationship with someone else.
Maybe the 'wonderful man' won't want a relationship with you if you are truly available - that might mean a level of commitment from him that he is not prepared to give (he might PREFER messing with a married woman).
Or not.
But you have to resolve your marriage one way of the other (work on it or end it) before starting another relationship.
One relationship at a time - stick with that and you'll be better off.

Cheating in itself is not the solution. It's being able to stand up for yourself and let go of an unhealthy place without leaning on another man and showing your kids a strong woman.

In my honest opinion I think your kids watching how your husband treats you would affect them more in a negative way then divorce. Chances are your kids do see this or at least hear it.

I've known a couple of people who've come to this same realization and had an open marriage of sorts.

One lady told her cheating husband that if he'd like to stay married until the kids got older and still keep his lady friends she was okay with that. She had no interest in dating or making drastic changes, as far as life for her changing there wouldn't be much. Maybe moving him or her to a different bedroom but overall, no changes socially or loss of status.

He decided he wanted his lady friends instead so he divorced her.

Another friend begged her husband to stay married and told him if he wanted to go stay with his current girlfriend all he had to say was he was going to a friends house and to not expect him home that night. She wanted her life to stay the same, no loss, no different, no different bedrooms, nothing changed, she'd just know exactly what to expect. He moved in with his girlfriend and divorced her. He bought a new house with his girlfriend and stopped making payments on the family home. My friend lost her home, her kids, her life as she knew it, everything was gone. He even called the gas company the day she picked the kids up for Christmas break that year and had the gas turned off that day, then he called child welfare to let them know she had the kids and no way to heat the house...

My other friend that went through this had a second house on their property. He moved into the other house and she stayed in the first one. The kids could go or stay at either house. They had stuff in each one. They had mom and dad both together for most every day. They stayed married but lived separate lives. She had a long time boyfriend that lived with her and my guy friend had girlfriends but never lived with any of them. He enjoyed many years of this casual relationship style. The kids grew up and moved on with their lives and never felt torn, they never thought they did anything to break up their parents, they lived their normal lives.

So it can work if you and hubby decide to make it work.

Since he's cheated before why not ask him if you and he can have a few minutes to visit about something.

When you get together ask him for his advice. Start off telling him someone you've met is interested in you and would like to spend more time with you. Then ask him how you should go about doing it so the kids won't get hurt....

Asking him about how to "cheat" can open the conversation up about where your marriage is heading and if divorce is something he wants or doesn't want. He might start acting differently and then again, he might be very willing to have an open marriage where you both live together in some form and have the ability to move on with life outside of the home.

Knowing that someone else wants what is "yours" often makes that person much more desirable to them. They start to see the attractive interesting person they used to think about.

Interesting first question... it seems, from this forum, that there is an epidemic of women with emotionally abusive husbands who get fixated on some other guy.

That's ALL it is, a fixation. This isn't love.
You say you don't want a divorce and that it will hurt the kids. It will hurt children far more, in the long run, to see their parents treating each other like dirt. If you don't like your current situation, get couples counseling. Don't be one of those women who makes excuses in order to justify her cheating on someone. Look within yourself.

Cheating or no, either way it would be living a lie. Let me ask, too, what sort of guy makes advances on a married woman? The kind that wants sex, nothing more. This guy may be giving you signs that he's interested, but this is nothing special, nothing new. On this forum alone, I have seen plenty of situations where some jerk is just waiting in the wings for a woman to give him the go-ahead so they can cheat on her husband together. Your situation is not unique. Your 'feelings' are not unique... you and your husband have a lot of work to do on your relationship, or be brave and have some integrity and divorce the guy before moving into another (potentially verbally abusive --- because you are showing us that you really aren't learning ANYTHING from your current situation) relationship. Be prepared to get dumped by Mr. Wonderful as soon as he finds out that you are free but are coming with a LOT of baggage.

Cheating, however, can certainly solve any problems you have with your children respecting you.... they will stop doing that. And it will give your husband suitable cause to divorce you and further malign you to your kids.

E., your responsibility to the children is to live an upstanding life. Ivorce your husband if you feel you must act on your relationship. No, cheating is never okay.

Put as much emotion and effort into saving your marriage as you are in thinking about this other man. Your family deserves it.

A person who cheats cannot be an example to her children.

If you'll cheat on your husband, you aren't to be trusted by this other man. If you'll cheat with him, you'll cheat on him. You made a vow to your husband that you're considering breaking for a man to whom you've made no such vow. Therefore, any vow you'd make is apparently worthless.

And any such man who would be a party to adultry, who would prey on a married, abused, broken, sad and lonely woman instead of one who is confident and standing on her own two feet, is a creep . What's wrong with this man, hmmm?

Don't ignore all these red flags and warnings. Cheating is not the answer, and this man is a douchecopter. Keep your promises and seek counseling to save your marriage. Please. Fix what's broken in you. Work on your marriage. And if it doesn't work out, get a divorce and get counseling before you look for another relationship.

Get a divorce.
I would have much rather my parents split then know they were lying cheaters my whole life.
Every negative thing you just said about your husband, you are absolutely no different.
How does that make you feel?
Work it out your your husband, or woman up and leave.
You're a coward.
I also loved how you felt the need to throw in your catholic. You don't have morals.
Your "boyfriend" also sounds like an upstanding individual. Go him for sleeping with a married woman.

No. Find your integrity woman. This crush will subside.

No. Cheating is never a solution. I am sure in your heart you know this.

You mentioned being catholic. You might look into this:

www.retrouvaille.org/‎.

It is a marriage encounter type program. I also second counseling. If your husband is unwilling to go to retrouvaille, or to counseling, I suggest you go on your own to sort out your feelings and make a decision to stay married, or to divorce.

best luck

Of course it's not. Do you even need to ask this question?

I used to cheat, decades ago, pre-kids and in different relationships (that's how I was raised, if that's an excuse). So I can tell you from experience that cheating is a false pleasure and no solution to anything. Any guy who would date a married mother with kids is an idiot and not worth a second of your time.

Have honor. Fix your relationship with your husband one way or the other, and then focus on your kids for a few years before you start dating --- if you want them to grow up as well-adjusted individuals.

Cheating is never the answer.
Get some marriage counseling.

ETA - after reading Boss' response...I should or could have included my personal history. My ex-husband was a "cheater". I met other men who gave me attention and made me feel better, special, etc. however, I didn't. As tempting as it may be. I couldn't.
____________________________

E.,

Welcome to mamapedia!!

This reminds me of another poster from a while ago...she wasn't happy in her marriage and was actively cheating her husband....

If this guy is you have met is a real man? He would NOT do a thing as you are MARRIED. You have a decision to make. You need to END your marriage or you need to get into counseling and make your marriage work. Either way? YOU need counseling.

You cheat with this guy it makes you no better than your husband.
Is that what you want?
Is that the role model you want to be for your children?

Since your husband has traits that are not healthy - if he is having sex with other women - or men - you need to be checked for STDs.

Of course you want him more...he's like the apple in Eden...you want what you can't have. And knowing you can't have it - makes you want it even more...

So before you go off and think this is "true love"??? STOP. THINK.
Close one chapter in your life FIRST. This means divorce your husband. Then take at LEAST ONE YEAR to be on your own before you EVEN CONSIDER another relationship...you need counseling to figure out how you allowed your husband to treat you the way he does. No, I am NOT saying you deserved it. You ALLOWED it. So what will keep you from making that same mistake again? What will stop a man from taking advantage of you again? YOU need to be on your own and know what you are capable of before you even start to fantasize about a new relationship or even an affair. Your kids deserve better than to have TWO cheaters as parents. One of you needs to be the adult, be responsible and do the right thing.

Is it easy being divorced? Not all the time. NO. But it sure beats being some "man's" (and I use that word loosely) door mat.

So to answer your question. NO. Cheating is NEVER a solution. It only causes more problems.

Nope. Cheating just makes more and bigger problems. Finish 1 relationship before starting another.

No. Cheating is NEVER a solution. EVER.

The grass isn't greener. You jump over that fence? Your morals will have jumped with you.

Not happily married? Either fix your marriage or divorce. But do NOT cheat.

Do the honorable thing and divorce, first.

Wow. You feel that your husband is distant, emotionally abusive, and a cheater. That is exactly what YOU WILL BECOME if you cheat on your husband. Don't try to make us feel sorry for you, because you are a victim. You are in a bad marriage, that doesn't mean you can cheat on your husband because he cheated on you. You say you feel devastated and empty, unloved, and not respected. That is exactly how your kids will feel when they find out that their mother is a liar and a cheat. Come on and step up to the plate, because someone in your family needs to be a leader.

Yeah...sorry...no one here is going to tell you that it is OK to cheat on your husband. Either fix your marriage or end it. Please be an example to your children. Please don't tear your family a part because you did not honor your marriage vows. If your marriage is truly broken without hope, start looking at ending it with the least harm to your children that you can... THEN, you can worry about a new relationship...

You never go outside the marriage to fix problems within the marriage.

If you want to be with this other guy, then you need to divorce your husband. If you're not going to divorce him, then you need marriage counseling.

There is never a reason to cheat, ever. There is no excuse that makes it okay in any way shape or form. If you don't want to be with your husband then leave him and then you can see where this other relationship takes you, but you must finish one relationship before moving on to another. And honestly, any man that would be with me while I was married and lying to my husband is not the kind of man I would want to be with, nor would I trust him long term. And if I cheated I would not be the kind of person I want to be, what kind of example would I be setting for my children? That the marriage vows mean nothing? and lying is okay as long as you feel your excuse is good enough?

If, as another has suggested, you talk to your husband and the two of you agreed together to open your marriage and be completely honest with each other, well then that is not cheating. Think about what you really want.

No, cheating is never a solution. 2 wrongs don't make a right.

You think your life is complicated now? If you cheated, it would grow out of control.

You need marriage counseling. And now.

E. I know your are lonely and neglected. Before you can even consider leaving a marriage, even if it just with your heart, you must try to first make sure this marriage, this family has tried everything to stay together and be happy and satisfied. I am a child of divorce and my father was the cheater, the neglectful parent. It took a LONG time for me to forgive him.

I needed stability. I needed to know my parents really loved each other. In the end my mother like you, deserved to be respected, loved and cherished by my father, but this was not to be.

Once they were divorced, I was happy that she met kind, respectful, caring men. It still irks me that my father took us for granted. He had affairs, laughed at my mom, it just seemed so cruel. Remember I was 8 and knew that they were not happy together.

They went to marriage counseling a few times and then my father refused. My mother tried to continue to go, but without my father, she realized she was the only one doing the work, BUT at least she tried.

Stop this pining for this other man. Get your head and heart back into this marriage. This way you can tell yourself, and most importantly your children, at least you tried to keep this marriage together.. Or later you will be able to use your successful marriage advice to your children when or if they end up in this situation.

I am sending you strength.

How old are your kids? If you aren't willing to consider divorce, then work on your marriage. I'm not saying it's always best to stay, but if you wind up with the other guy, the kids may be very resentful towards you.

The other guy is probably more appealing because of your bad marriage. Have you tried everything to save your marriage...therapy?

If you want to be with another man, get a divorce. People who think that staying in a abusive relationship (whether emotional or physical) until the kids are older are kidding themselves if they think this is what's best for the kids. You want your children to see you in a loving relationship, being treated the way you deserve to be treated. Giving them a bad marriage to base their belief on love and relationships will do them no favors.

That said, you ARE still married. Jumping from a bad marriage to a brand new relationship isn't a smart move. Get divorced if you don't want to or think your marriage is worth saving. Then get yourself straightened out before you even think about entering into a new relationship.

Not ok to cheat. Any new relationship is easy. If your husband doesn't make you feel loved and respected, love and respect yourself by looking for resources that can help your marital relationship. Love is a choice and marriage is hard. If you cheat, you'll be just as bad as your husband. If his cheating (or other faults) is a deal breaker, you should divorce before getting with this new guy.

it's funny how we tend to rationalize. i had a friend (she recently came to mind while answering a question here just the other day) who was cheating on her husband, and clueless me had no idea. but she kept trying to have conversations with me in which she was working hard to convince me how *sometimes* an affair actually improves a marriage, and a whole laundry list of rationalizations, including yours, that it would hurt the kids for her to leave.
bullsnot.
no one can guarantee they'll never fall in love with someone else. and if that happens, sometimes it may be best to pursue the new love. but it's never better to lie and cheat and sneak.
i realize you're not at this place, but you're headed there. have you and your husband gone to counseling? is he currently cheating? if you stay, is he willing to work WITH you to make it work?
you're not going to feel all relaxed and groovy whichever decision you make. so sit down and figure out which one you can live with.
khairete
S.

I don't advocate divorce, but I NEVER suggest cheating. If you won't divorce, then you shouldn't cheat. If you are willing to throw the marriage away (which will be the eventual outcome of cheating anyway) then do it properly and be up front about things. Don't put yourself into the position of becoming that which you abhor. Don't expect to have high esteem for a man who would cheat with a married woman, either.

Sorry. Cheating is only a "solution" for people who want it to be a solution. I don't think you'd advise your children to cheat in school, or your best friend to cheat on her husband (or her income tax return).

Your feelings are *ruling* you. And, in a sense, why not? Feelings are real. Our society teaches us that there's *nothing* more important than us, individually, and our feelings; we're urged, even commanded to trust our guts, go with our emotions, follow our hearts. And this new fellow doesn't seem to think highly of marriage (or at least not of yours - and that should be a red flag), so why try to make yours better? Doesn't it come out all right in the movies? And the books, and all the TV series? And right now it seems much, much easier to run away from a husband you're unhappy with than to soldier on with him.

If you can set your feelings on the shelf for just a minute, you'll see what they are ready to do for/to you.

I think you need somebody objective and impartial who can help you see the future results of your present desire. Please, please go to your church right away and ask for the name of a professional counselor. Believe me, your request won't shock anybody. You won't be the first to ask this by any means (or the last)! Go to the counselor by yourself, pour out your heart, and pick that person's brains. Talk about the other man, your husband, your children, your unhappiness, your values.

(At some point, you will want to go to confession, too, but I don't know whether that would be before or after talking to the counselor. You might have more insight after, but you know more about it than I do.)

You can also try this. Take those emotions that are ruling you, and play a game with them. When thoughts of this other man come into your head, picture his face, and then, in your imagination, take his face away and substitute your husband's face instead. Don't do anything else with it, but do it every single time. It can't hurt, and it might surprise you. Do it for at least a week - while you're seeing about a counselor.

Cheating aside, don't stay in a crappy marriage "for the kids". Don't be a martyr. You think they don't know you're unhappy and that their dad is a jerk? Believe me - they know. And if they know or find out that you put up with this "for them", they will feel guilty. And you're teaching them that staying in a bad relationship is okay. Think about it. Would you advise your kids to stay in a marriage like yours?

But, you do have a choice. You can confront your husband and ask him to go to marriage counseling with you - aka - you could work on your marriage or you can start divorce proceedings.

But don't blame your kids or even your husband for the choices YOU make. Take some responsibility for your life.

I suppose if you're trying to end your marriage and are too afraid to come straight out and tell your husband that you want a divorce and plan to file, cheating is one way to end your marriage. Cheating is a "solution" to the dilemma of "how to end a marriage."

Get a divorce. Then go be with your next soul mate.

It is dangerous to engage in another relationship from the confines of a terrible marriage. Your glasses are fogged. You cannot make healthy decisions when you are lying, sneaking around and hiding things.

You really have no idea what this guy is really like, just your fantasy of what it would be like to be with him. If you don't want to get a divorce you have no right to start another relationship without some sort of an agreement with your current husband. It's seems very cowardly and selfish to want freedom without walking through the fire of a divorce.

Never cheat.

To me, cheating is one of the most reprehensible thing a person can do. If you are truly in love with this new man, get the divorce. Waiting for the kids to grow up is not a good reason to stay together... Like others said, this only sets the example that they should stay in a dysfunctional marriage even if they are no longer happy.

Try to get your husband into marriage counseling, and/or attend some yourself. I HATE throwing the counseling flag out there too often, but I think it would truly help you. If your husband won't go to counseling, or the counseling doesn't work, at least you can end the marriage knowing you did all you could to save it.

Also, if you DO get divorced, give yourself AT LEAST 6 months (preferably a year or so...) before starting anything more than a platonic relationship with the new man (or any other.) right now, you likely feel trapped in a loveless marriage... Feeling neglected, used, and undervalued... It is completely natural that those feelings will manifest as love toward a man who seems to fill the voids these empty feelings make in your heart... Give yourself time to balance your emotions as a single woman before pairing up with another man.

Whatever decision you make, good luck!

E., no, I don't think this is a solution. I think you need to decide whether you want to stay in this marriage or not, regardless of whether there is another man. You think divorce would be hurtful to your children, but children know when their parents are not in a loving relationship. What's hurtful to kids is subjecting them to an upbringing by parents who are not a couple, yet masquerading as one. They will have no example of a good relationship, and what time do you have to invest in a relationship outside of your marriage? The relationship will go nowhere, because you are married. If you won't leave your husband, there will be no next step. If it's over with your husband, then you should proceed with a separation, and not rush into a relationship with a new man. Going from one man to another is not a solution, a man is not the key to your happiness.

E.,

No, cheating is not a solution. As a Catholic, you should know this. In the Bible, St. Paul gives us a list of grave sins. He states that anyone who commits these sins shall not enter the kingdom of God. "Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God" (Galatians 5:19-20). Paul also tells the Corinthians, "know you no that the unjust shall not possess the kingdom of God? Do not err: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, Nor the effeminate, nor liers with mankind, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards nor railers, nor extortioners shall possess the kingdom of God" (1 Corinthians 6:9-10). These sins constitute grave matter, and if they are committed willingly and with full consent, constitute mortal sin.

If your husband is a cheater, and is emotionally abusive you should end your marriage because of those reasons. Don't wait until the kids turn 18. Staying in a loveless, unhappy marriage will impact your kids in a more negative way than getting a divorce. Ever hear the saying "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".

Get divorced, and then see what/if anything happens with this other man.

Best wishes for a happy future for you and your children!

E., here's my opinion. Until you are willing to get that divorce, you need to either work on your marriage, or just be miserable until you are willing to get a divorce. What is most hurtful for the kids is to live in a house with a parent who is abusive towards the other one, where there is no love between them, and where their mother is totally unhappy. If your husband is out having affairs, it DOES affect them because he's spending time with other women, rather than at home with his family.

Unless you are willing to dump your husband, you can't be with this other man. You are only spinning your wheels and he will NOT hold on to a married woman. He will go find someone else who is not married. THEN you will be totally devastated.

Go to counseling by yourself at the very least and work on your own self esteem. Maybe you'll also find some courage to either press forward with trying to get your husband to work on the marriage with you, or to let him go.

"I trust this because I was not looking for love, it just happened".

Well, it didn't just happen. Your husband has not been making very many (if any) deposits into your love bank lately, leaving the door wide open to anyone that expresses sincerity to you and treats you kindly. That doesn't make it real or fake, it just means that if you & your husband had a healthier relationship, it likely wouldn't have happened at all.

You asked for opinions, here is mine:

Work on your marriage.

Do everything you can to save your marriage - counseling for both of you, & just yourself, have honest communications about what has changed, and why, & how to get back what you once had. You stated your reasons you believe he has changed, & how it has made you feel. Know that there are two sides to this story, & he has his own reasons for why he changed & strayed from your marriage. Be open to hearing those reasons, & work to change together.

If your marriage is irreparable, then deal with that first. You say you don't want to get a divorce because your children will be hurt in the process, but know that even if you stay in your marriage, but begin having an affair with another person, they will still be hurt. Children are not oblivious to what goes on.

So, your choices are two-fold. Stay in your marriage & actively work to make it better. This is the man you married, for better or for worse, not "as long as things are peachy-keen".
Or get a divorce, and see that through.

Notice, neither of these two options involve another man. There is just no place for another man in your life right now.

There are many resources available to you, from church clergy, to books/videos/seminars on improving your marriage, to employee assistance (depending on where you work).

A 10 year marriage is a long investment, I hope you & your husband are able to work things through. T.

Your question especially with the first line is kind of ironic. I was just wondering if anyone had ever experienced a situation where if they were answering the question would provide excellent advice in their response (such as of course you should never cheat....resolve your marriage one way or another before you even think about exploring other options) but then found yourself in a situation where you would contemplate doing the exact opposite in your own life (such as unplanned feelings for someone else and considering staying in a relationship/marriage and starting one with someone else).

My advice is in the first part of my answer but I am real enough to see how the latter can happen.

Close one door before you open another. Good luck.

The new relationship built on such shaky grounds is doomed. All I can say is block him on FB, throw away his number, get a good religious older woman as a confidant.

Don't cheat, I think you'll really regret it later. It will feel good at first, all shiny and new, you'll feel alive again, but it probably won't last. Then you will be left with guilt, no matter how bad your marriage may be. Think about the consequences if anyone found out- what would your kids think of you?

I know you are Catholic and don't believe in divorce, but I think you should consider divorce before an extramarital affair. Or counseling, something to try to fix what you have. I don't really understand staying together until the kids are 18, they are just going to watch their parents being miserable together and think that's just how marriage is, even that its ok to cheat or treat each other poorly. You should teach them that everyone deserves love and respect, especially your spouse.