Survey: Whose Fault Is an Affair?

This is "JFF?"

ETA: If a married or committed man is cheating, and the other woman has NO idea that she's The Other Woman, the affair is in NO way her fault. 0%. The blame is 100% on the man who cheated on his relationship.

If both parties, the husband and The Other Woman, were in the know, they're both to blame. But in my opinion, my wrath would primarily be for the husband, who made the initial choice to step outside the marriage. Call it 80% husband, 20% TOW.

An affair is the fault of the person who cheats on his/her spouse.
If my husband had an affair with anyone, whether or not she was married, whether or not she knew he was married, I would blame him. HE knew he was married, and HE chose to cheat.
Even if she came on to him, HE had the option of saying, "No. I'm married. I will not cheat on my wife."
No one can "steal" someone else's spouse. A cheating spouse didn't get forcibly taken away against his/her will. S/he made a deliberate decision to cheat.

ETA: That doesn't make it okay for her to have come on to a married man in the first place. But it isn't HER fault that HE decided to accept her offer.

They are both 100% responsible for their own bad behavior, but only one of them made any promises to me. I don't have to like the woman my husband slept with, but she does not owe me anything either, she made no vows to me. My husband was 100% responsible for his affair. He is the only one who controls his behavior.

I don't see how it's the other woman's fault. That's so old fashioned and sexist. So what if a hot, beautiful woman throws herself at my husband, knowing full well he's married to me? I would 100 percent blame my husband if he acted on it, not her. Sure, I might think she's pathetic or immoral or whatever but she's truly irrelevant. And I don't see how that's defending her, it's simply putting ALL the blame where it squarely belongs, on the cheating spouse (true when the wife cheats as well, it goes both ways.) There's no such thing as a home wrecker, if your spouse cheats on you your home was already wrecked and somebody else just took advantage of it.

The person who goes outside the marriage is the cheater.
A lot of the time women get mad at the 'other woman' as displacement.
They don't want to be mad at 'their man' and want to displace the blame somewhere else.
A faithful spouse can't be lured away.

Yeah...

I am with christy.

This is NOT a 'JFF' kind of a question.

My ex cheated evidently.

I found out AFTER I divorced him for other issues.

Not sure if 'others' with whom he cheated knew he was married or not.

Do not care.

And, I assure you...NONE of it was fun!

I think Pam brings up a good point about not knowing what it's like to be married until you actually are married. Sometimes the other woman is clueless.

I have never been there!

But I almost want to say that the other woman is irrelevant. If a spouse cheats, that's the person to focus on. If my husband did cheat on me, I'd be furious with him. I'd be upset with the other woman, too, but the other woman didn't make a commitment to me. My husband did.

I wonder if some women get upset with the other woman (she stole my man) because they don't really want to be upset with their husband. They don't want to consider what he might have been thinking or feeling or what gave him permission to act. They want him to be a victim, so they blame her (the vixen). Isn't it really a form of denial?

The problem isn't the other woman. The problem is something between the husband and wife.

Oh sweetie, you are focusing your hurt on the wrong person/thing here.
If your husband was an alcoholic would you blame vodka?
If he was a gambler would you blame card games?
If he was obese would you blame the allure of delicious food?
Of course not.
This is HIS problem, and maybe (?) yours. Stop trying to make someone else, or something else, the problem.
They have nothing to do with it, they're just a temporary distraction.

I would 100% blame him. Because he IS the person who is married to me.

But I would 100% be angry at her, and feel immature feelings of wanting revenge, but hopefully my higher self would stop me from going all Jerry Springer on her hiney.

I was raised to think affairs were normal. I understand more about the nuances of affairs than I care to. To me, now that I've matured, it comes down to having honor, on both sides of the coin.

I would completely, 100% blame my husband. HE promised to love and cherish me, HE promised to be there for me in sickness and health, HE promised to take care of my heart, HE is the one breaking the vows.
That doesn't mean that I wouldn't think she was pathetic and easy....but I wouldn't blame her. I would blame him.

Hundred flowers for Christy.

I don't think OP gets what JFF means.

I have to ask when you fell in love did you figure out who's fault it was? Who was to blame? Most people don't and that is why I don't understand all the fault, blame, responsibility stuff. So your ex met someone and fell in love, lust, whatever, no one probably sat down to determine why they fell in whatever.

So take that out of the equation, who was actually contractually obligated to be faithful to you? There is your answer.

.....okay, well, if you have to know....it's probably MY fault. Most things are.

;)

It's the cheating spouse, 100%.

The cheating spouse is the one who made vows of fidelity to his or her spouse.

The cheating spouse is the one who decided to violate his or her vows.

The cheating spouse is the one who decided that rather be upfront about his or her unmet needs and have them addressed or leave the marriage, to "solve" their "problem" with another person.

The affair partner doesn't deserve to go through life untarnished, but the violation is between the spouses, not the third party.

For the record, my husband did cheat on me, with several people. One of them was a longer-term thing. I told her that if she stayed away from him, I would leave her alone as she was newly engaged and pregnant (definitely not my husband's kid). When she came around a few years later looking to cheat on her fiance with my husband a few weeks before her wedding (a chance my husband turned down) I dropped the hammer on her and alerted her fiance of what had happened and was happening. He married her anyway, but at least he was warned and I heard through the grapevine that their wedding was miserable. Serves her right. That said, my real beef was with my husband. She owed me nothing, he owed me fidelity for life. This was just a way for me to be vindictive and amuse myself.

ETA: just re-read this and wanted to clarify that of course when I gave this other woman that initial "out" it was after raising holy hell with my husband and starting to deal with him. That was more of a "hey listen I know everything, I understand you're in a delicate position, here's your chance for a do-over, stay away from us and your fiance will never know what you did, cross me and he will" situation.

I don't really get what you are trying to ask. Of course the person at fault is the spouse. THEY are the one participating in an affair when they are otherwise committed (or supposed to be). Saying that they are at fault for being unfaithful doesn't excuse cheap, rude behavior of the other participant, though.

It isn't either/or, or even both. What difference does "who you blame" even make? It doesn't make any difference at all. You have to deal with the spouse. The other person may very well be a lying, conniving, wench, but you don't have to deal with that person. Of course, if they later marry your ex-spouse and you have kids from the marriage, you may have to deal with their presence to some degree, but in that case, you should be dealing with the ex spouse. And doing your best to keep things as positive as possible for your children. Doesn't mean you have to like the "vixen". But since your kids would be exposed (in that scenario) then you would want to do what makes it easiest for your children.

What is the point in naming blame? I don't get it. You are entitled to your feelings, of course. Everyone is. But acting on them is always another matter entirely.

Yes, there are women out there who see all men as available. In my opinion, they shouldn't, but they don't ask me. Men are still only as available as they want to be.

Some men are more proactive in protecting their marriage than others. Never allowing themselves to find themselves in a position of even being tempted. Others (and their spouses) think it no big deal to allow such situations to exist "because I trust him/her".

Still don't really see the point in placing "blame" between the cheating parties.

Both the man and the other woman can share the blame in whatever percentages seem important. I'm of the opinion that people often like to deflect and give lots of reasons why they did a really shitty thing that they knew was awful instead of just doing what they should do: say "I'm sorry", don't treat others like fools, and try to move on.

100% the married man's fault. Depends regarding woman to a degree. Just like I didn't know what it was like to have kids until I did, I didn't know what it was like to be married until I was. So I can see a woman who has never been married and gets to know a married man through work or something and gradually they have feelings and he tells her how the marriage isn't working and now he's going to leave the wife, a woman might be naive enough to go along with it. And I wouldn't consider her as much at fault. I dated a man I knew at work who was legally separated from his wife but not yet divorced. I had never been married, I didn't understand what they'd gone through with 4 kids etc. I just heard his side. I was young etc. And I really really liked him. Not sure what I would have done if he wasn't legally separated and instead was telling me they were "about to be". I'd like to think I would have said wait but not totally sure. His wife sounded awful (from multiple sources) and he is/was a great guy so I wasn't so worried about her. Many men can paint a picture of a horrible wife... Now having been married myself, I'd never fall for any of it.

If the woman knows the man is married, they are equally at fault. However, I still think less of the man, since he is the one who has a commitment to someone else. He needs to exhibit self control and not destroy his marriage by cheating. He has more responsibility to upholding his original relationship.

I would feel the same way if a woman cheated on her husband - both parties in the affair are at fault, but the one in the marriage is the bigger jerk.

My husband 100%. The other woman would be no concern of mine. She didn't promise me anything. She owes me nothing. HE, on the other hand, DID, so, yeah, I'd blame him 100%.

I would think of the other woman as a total loser b!tch, but MY opinion of HER would change absolutely nothing. Chances are, she wouldn't care about my opinion of her anyway. So I'd waste none of my energy blaming her.

I will say that I have no real life experience with any of this. I've never cheated, I've never been cheated on, I don't even have any friends who've told me they've had this problem. I can't really relate on a personal level. But I do know myself and how I react to situations. And I'm pretty sure I'd hate the other woman, but I'd blame my husband.

I would 100% blame the man in this situation.He is married and he is making a choice to be unfaithful. If he didn't make this choice there would be no cheating.

I 100% blame the cheating spouse.
The other cheating party may or may not know the truth about the spouses marital status.
That's really neither here nor there, because a committed spouse is the stop gap for affairs.
(If the cheater's partner has no clue that cheater is married? S/he is a victim too!)

ETA: to answer your specific question--I would 100% blame him and 100% hate and lose respect for her! Lol

In the situation you describe, I'd put the onus on the man, though I wouldn't think highly of the woman knowingly having an affair with a married man.

Here's another scenario: Husband has rejected wife sexually for over a decade, then begins to make advances, but she cannot respond because of the years of humiliation and has an affair (or vice versa). Who then is at fault?

I think this question could get complex quickly. But in the situation you describe, I'd say - husband is at fault. And while the "other woman" is not at fault, in my mind, she isn't a nice person. Glad he is your ex!

why does it have to be 100%?
yes, i would 100% blame him. that doesn't mean i'd be letting her off the hook. she's still a skank.
but i'd have much higher expectations for my partner than i would the skank.
khairete
S.

It's everyone's fault involved. I don't care what story a woman is fed, women are smarter than a lot of people give them credit for. Married is married. Involved is involved. Don't get involved with someone new when you are involved with someone else. And don't get involved with someone when they are committed at any level to anyone else.

Talking to the other woman doesn't really help either.

After much counseling I learned to deal with situations differently. No one is at fault. In the cheating husband situation all are involved. Now we have a situation that must be resolved. Each person has to assess their role and decide what they as individuals want to do about it. Of course a wife would be hurt and angry. Dwelling on whose fault it is does not resolve the issue. I suggest that the initial reaction would be hurt and anger. Then the wife needs to move on to dealing with just her husband. Can she accept that an affair has happened and work together with her husband in the painful process of healing while staying married? Or did the affair violate her boundaries so seriously that she wants a divorce? Or something in between. The other woman is not a part of this process.

No one is at fault. The affair happened for very complex and not easily understood reasons. The affair involves three people. How strong the marriage is is the responsibility of husband and wife. The other woman is only responsible for her relationship with the husband. I suggest that taking care of the wife is not her responsibility. it's the husbands. As I said these relationships are very complicated in part because more rays ( phonetic spelling) are changing. As a society we no longer believe in the same things.

I do not believe affairs are the right way to handle a fractured marriage. I also know many men are not capable of a menogomous relationships. In that case the wife can hold the husband totally totally responsible. The husband decided to not be monogemous. The other woman is responsible for her own involvement as it affects her. However she did not cause the reasons for having an affair. The decision to have an affair was made by both of them. In that respect both are responsible. However, I suggest that the husband is breaking trust with his wife and bears total responsibilty for breaking his wife's trust. The other woman has no responsibilty in the relationship between husband and wife.

A.

This is not really cut and dry.

I've been cheated on. He wanted to blame me. I'm not the one who "forced" him or even drove him to cheating. He just felt entitled to more than one partner. He felt he could determine if the girl was "clean" and didn't wear a condom. He wasn't worth my life.

Women cheat too. It's not just the husband.

What I learned from my first marriage? I needed to pay attention too. It wasn't just sex. Damn, we were young. The long conversations about anything stopped after we got married. We are both responsible for that. You get into a routine, a rut, whatever you want to call it. You take it for granted, etc. or you just assume "it's all good".. so I guess everyone is to blame. Many people won't take that or like it. But really - it's your marriage...

That was my lesson learned...

If she knew he was married or was with some one yes I would hold her accountable, I probably curse her out too, but it is also His fault for being involved. So I would blaim them both. I have though spied on my ex when we were together, and found him chatting up and old friend on facebook, trying to get her to give up her newly found morals though God, to have a little fun with her and she did every thing in her power to knock him down, telling him " you got a girl, why are you hitting me up. Perhaps you should go find her and do this with her" she did not once entertain him, but he kept on insisting. I contacted the girl and told her I was sorry for his actions and he would soon be seeing the consequences of it when next he was home. He found out I spoke to her and actually went off on her and mad at me cus he claimed she was a little slut and told all kind of lies and tried to make her feel guilty for even speaking with me, like it was her fault he got caught. I felt for her as she DIDN"T do anything wrong, in fact she did everything right. I even asked him what he would do if he were in my shoes, he said he wouldn't like it and probably would have done the same thing or more. It is funny how some men think it is okay for them but not okay for the woman.

IF the woman knows he's married, it's both of their faults. Women who knowingly date married men have self-esteem issues and probably make many poor decisions. I've had a few friends that date married men and fit this description perfectly!

I once saw an episode of Montel Williams show where the guest was a woman who had sued her husbands new wife/girlfriend for alienation of affection (it's still around in some states). She completely blamed the woman ... you know her revealing clothing and come ons and so forth ... for ruining her perfect life.

The thought that came into my head was "if your life was so perfect why did he cheat?".

Affairs are rarely simple things of a man or woman not being able to "control themselves" or whatever. They are USUALLY (there are always exceptions to the rule of course) a symptom of problems in the marriage/relationship. Be they communication issues, needs not being met or whatever.

I have to agree that no one and everyone is at fault for the affair. But in the end the two people in the marriage/relationship are the ones who need to take the most responsibility for the breakdown. It takes two to make it work and two to make it fail ... usually :) There are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule.