If Your Spouse Was Having an Affair, WOULD YOU WANT to KNOW?

If they have a closed marriage... Her KNOWING does NOT tear the family apart. HIS CHEATING is tearing the family apart.

Would I want to know?

Yup.

Why?

STDs are deadly
STDs cause major organ damage
STDs can be transferred to my children via nonsexual contact

Childsupport is in a first-come-first-served paradigm. Meaning if SHE got pregnant, then applied for CS first, she'd get X (say $1000). Then I file for child-support on multiple children and only get WHAT'S LEFT OVER. Which is always less than the original amount. It's very very common for a child of an affair to be receiving $1000, while the older children of the marriage receive $200. TOTAL. Split between them.

And, you know, the whole betrayal thing.

Yes, because I would not have sex with him until he has a clean STD test at least six months after the last time he dipped his stick. If he wants to get sick and die because he can't control himself, fine... but he's not taking me down with him. My husband knows that if he has an affair, and if we managed to work through the emotional issues... sex would be off limits until I felt like things were safe again.

I would want to know. I would not want people sitting there looking at me while I played the fool. I would find a way to get him to tell her.

Yes, I would.

If for no other reason than to get an STD test and make sure his sexual partner did the same.

I have a line drawn in the sand. Cheating is one betrayal that I could not move on from. My trust would be broken and I really doubt it could be repaired.

So I would also want to know, so that I could begin the long process of moving on.

Yes. I would want to know. Not only did I have friends who told me - I got to see it with my own eyes.

That you know and aren't telling? ALMOST makes you an accessory in my eyes. This is your cousin. Tell him you know. Tell him to stop or you WILL tell. He is short changing his kids, his wife and himself.

So yes. I would tell and I would want to know.

Hi J.-

I divorced my ex husband because he became an abusive drunk. It was not until after the divorce that so called 'friends' spoke of his indiscretions. Needless to say, I was hurt all over again...but mostly because they did not tell me earlier...and my children and I lived through the 'drunk' years.

Needless to say, they are no longer my friends.

**sigh**
michele/cat

Yes. His sister said it will tear them apart...but what is she facilitating by not telling her SIL that her husband is a cheater? HIS actions are tearing HIS family apart. If he cared about his kids, he wouldn't do this. If he was a man, he'd get a divorce if things are that bad at home. If the tables were turned, would someone tell him?

The spouse is the victim here. I would want someone to come to me and say, "I have something that may be hard to hear, but I respect you enough to tell you." Then I could make an informed decision about me and my child.

Not only is it an emotional betrayal, but it could be a financial betrayal as well. It could also lead to another child or the transmission of a disease. If my husband was cheating, one of the first things I'd do is get STD tested and pray he didn't give me or my child something incurable.

If it's your cousin, why isn't it "your place" to tell her that he's cheating on her? It might actually be easier from someone she doesn't know as well. It is because you consider him family and not her?

I think someone needs to tell her. What she does after that is her business but she needs to know.

As far as when you know, a friend's husband cheated on her with a coworker. She did eventually catch him, but she also felt betrayed because mutual friends (his coworkers) knew and didn't tell her. No one had the guts to say, "D, I'm so sorry, but..." She spent time wondering if she was just seeing things and couldn't get anybody to confirm. I would be heartbroken if my own family knew and didn't tell me.

If she knows or if it's an open marriage, she will tell you. People in open relationships are pretty, well, open about it.

Yes, I would. My current husband knows its a deal breaker with me and I would IMMEDIATELY file for divorce, no discussion needed. My first husband was addicted to internet chat rooms and texting women. I knew I could never trust him again. I filed for divorce and was done. No gray area with me...I'm black or white when it comes to this.

I don't think all women know. Some are conditioned ot think certain behaviours are normal if theyre together long enough.
Also I'd want to know. When I found out my ex cheated for years I was so angry he took away all of my choices. My choice to stay with a cheater or find real love. He stold those years in a sense, making decisions that would change our life behine my back
When I found out my brothers ex was cheating I first told my mom and we confronted her and gave her a deadline on when to tell him by or we would. I think its better to try and get them to tell their spouse then a stranger or even relative

Don't let it become your burden, I know that's tough because you care for her well being.
BUT, I can almost bet she already has some inclination. Maybe she's a step ahead of you in planning her future. Maybe she is 'financially' ok with it. Maybe she has taken the 'eye for an eye' approach and is having her own affair.... I'm just saying.
Be prepared for when it does come out though, for support and advice if you are close to this cousin.
ETA: Yes, I would want to know. So I could go throw up....

Honestly, if it was a one-time thing, a one-night stand, I don't think I would ever want to know. That would just be entirely too painful. But a full-blown affair, hell yes I would want to know, so I can pick up the pieces of my life and move the heck on.

If anyone, even someone I barely knew, had first hand information about my husband having an affair, I would hope they would tell me. I totally disagree with Toni V on this one. And if it is an "open marriage", I think the wife would admit to that without being offended at your concern.

I would want to know and I cannot imagine why anybody wouldn't. An affair is a sign that something is deeply wrong with the marriage, and I would want to either be able to work on the marriage or end it!

I would want to know. My life health would be in danger from STDs from the affair. Chances are, from alot of mariages I've seem end because of adultery, she knows something is up. And if the chidren are older, they can scence it also, if they don't already know. I would find someway to tell her. Maybe a letter with no return address.

Of course.

Gee his sister is really in lala land about it.
It is her BROTHER, that is tearing the family apart.
And she goes along with it.
What a jerk.
And he has kids.
What a wimp.

And good grief, there are STD's to worry about.
He could very well be infecting the wife with something.
There are so many things, that are transmitted via body fluids.
Of which, kids can also be affected.
For example: http://kidshealth.org/teen/infections/stds/hepatitis.html

If I was married and I found out he was having an affair....hell yes I would like to know. I would clean him out in court and then find me a young stud and become a cougar. What is good for the goose is also good for the gander.

When my ex cheated I knew or at least greatly suspected. To hear it from someone else would have just been confirmation.

I really do think all women know but some are in denial. It is those women who wouldn't take the information well.

That is kind of the problem, you don't know what you are dealing with until you spill and then there is no way to put that cat back in the bag, ya know?

Yes, and I think most women would want to know. In spite of this, many women "shoot the messenger" and hence the advice to keep one's mouth shut.

yes and the sooner the better!!!

id absolutley want to know so i could knock his teeth down his throat =)

I would absolutely want to know. I have no idea what my course of action would be other than the sex/health tests others have mentioned but yes, I would want to know.

Of course! Umm he is tearing the family apart, you aren't just because you told the truth! Tell her for sure.

I'm with Suz T. Of course I would want to know. Of course it would be painful, but I'd still want to know.

Does that mean that YOU should tell your cousin's wife? No it does not. I think what you do with the information you have (or anybody, that knows about an ongoing affair) depends upon the person and their relationship with the parties involved. In your situation, the more appropriate thing for you, rather than tell the wife, would be to speak to your cousin himself. Tell him you are aware and that you don't approve, etc.
I think today's society in America is far, far, too accepting of the "whatever", "it isn't MY concern" mentality. There is nothing wrong with being judgmental sometimes. In this case, it sounds warranted, and someone who cares should step up to your cousin and tell him that what he is doing is wrong. If no one does, it is sort of tacit approval....

My husband had the unfortunate situation arise where he had to be that person to his own brother. It doesn't matter WHY he chose to cheat.... it is still WRONG. And he told him so.

Yes, I would want to know. I would want to know for many reasons, but the most important is that the person who I had given my heart and life to was not being honest with me, and was making a fool out of me and our family. Also, think about the possible health issues if he is not being careful and is still sexually active with his spouse, which I am sure he is or she would suspect something herself. Even if HE is only with that one other person, who has SHE been with? (the other woman) You never know and it could be a health disaster for his wife. What if the woman he is cheating with is actually sleeping with more men than just him? What if she has in the past? STD's are everywhere, and to allow him to get away with this is allowing him to put his whole family in jeaporady which is NOT fair. What if he gets his wife pregnant? Do you think that maybe she would want to be more careful if she is not on birth control since she is married, and would use it if she thought for a second that he wasn't being faithful? Again, the birth control issue.............. my husband and I do not use condoms since we are married and getting pregnant isn't much of a concern, but if I thought for a SECOND that I could catch something from him, you bet your sweet a#$ I would use them! It needs to be HER choice to stay or go once she knows that he isn't being faithful. Also, I have a relative who was unfaithful for YEARS. I mean YEARS. HE was married, and had a teenage daughter. Well, he got into a car accident and almost died. When his wife got to the hospital, the nurses asked who she was and she said his wife, and they said "his wife is already in with him" THAT is how she found out that he had a long term girlfriend. Long story short, she ended it with him once he was out of the woods danger wise, and has moved on with her life. He ended up marrying the "other woman". The problem with this situation was that his wife felt really cheated, and not just because of the affair. They had been together since high school, and at the time they split up she was in her early 40's. She felt as though he had found someone else when he was still young, because he had been with the "other woman" for 10 years at that point living 2 lives basically, and she was afraid that it would be harder for her to meet and find someone at that stage in her life as opposed to 10 years earlier. Luckily, she did meet an amazing man, and got remarried. She is very happy with her new hubby, and is doing very well. The point is, why should your cousin's wife not have the chance to meet someone who will respect, cherish, and be loyal to her NOW, rather than stay with a man who obviously doesn't feel as though his marrige is worth the paper the liscence is printed on? I would want every opportunity to make a choice about MY life, and if I chose to leave, to have the chance to find a man who would appreciate, love, and be mine 100%. Every woman deserves that. This really isn't your burden. You need to confront your cousin and tell him that he needs to come clean with the wife. If he chooses not to, then someone should let her know so she can make a choice about her life. If she chooses to stay, well that's up to her. If she chooses to leave, then give her all of the support that you can. Sorry that you ended up in the middle of this. It's a horrible place to be!

of course. it's borderline mental illness to want to shelter oneself from bad news to that degree.
khairete
S.

Honestly ... I don't know if I would want to know or not.

Speaking from personal experience, you HAVE to know about it. Who wants to live their lives like an ostrich with their head in the sand acting like something that (whether you like it or not) is affecting your whole family ISN'T HAPPENING?? As for all the nitty gritty details of said affair, that's up to the individual, but you have got to live your life with your eyes open & be aware of what's going on around you. You open yourself up to the very real possibility of disease, as well as possibly being left on your own without any sort of warning otherwise.

Just as a little side FYI--a vast majority of people who have affairs reconcile with with spouse. Also, a very high percentage of those same people who reconcile, before they found out always said to themselves & anyone else who would listen, "If he/she ever cheats on me, I'm gone," but you just don't know how you'll react until you're actually in the middle of that particular hellish nightmare.

in that situation as i read it, i was thinking, "how else do you get him to STOP?" it's wrong, it's damaging, he shouldn't be doing it and if he's not going to stop on his own then someone should STOP HIM. by telling the wife if necessary - but if by some miracle, someone could stop him, and know for a fact he'd never do it again, then MAYBE don't tell her.... but if this is an ongoing thing, then yes, the wife needs to know. no, of course she doesn't WANT to know. she needs to know. she needs to deal with it. you don't get both, that's NOT how it works. he doesn't get to completely screw over his family and disrespect them and treat them like dirt, and NOT have to pay the piper. it's just karma and universal balance.

*and no, take it from me, the wife does NOT always "know", and is just too chicken to admit it to herself. i didn't. but once i did, i wasn't turning my head you can be damn sure. the problem is it is very hard to act without PROOF. if she knew for a fact i bet you she'd deal with it pdq.

I would want to know asap.

Yes, I would want to know - then I would need to begin scouting out body hiding locations and a really good story.

In all seriousness, I could never be with someone who disrespected me and my child so much that they went behind my back and had another relationship. It is such a violation of EVERYTHING that I would want/need to know. I have been cheated on by a man I was dating when I was younger (with my best friend at the time) and it was hard to hear and hard to understand (they stayed together and we tried to remain friends), but it was much easier because we were not years in, marriage in or anything like that. I learned early on that a cheater does not respect you in my book 90% of a relationship is respect.

An affair represents a threat to my emotional, physical and mental health. YES I would want to know. Women have caught diseases and died from their mate's affairs. I wouldn't want to take that risk. So again YES I WOULD WANT TO KNOW.

UPDATED
I just read all of the other answers and wanted to comment on Riley J's post about child support. Perhaps that is the way child support works in Seattle but here in NJ it is a mathematical calculation that considers all children and all income used to support the child earned and unearned by the parents of the child. It is never based on a who filed for support situation.

No one WANTS to know thier spouse is having an affair; however, if mine was I would want to know about it rather than be the niave/blind one. Your sister is right, it definately could tear his family apart if she knew....that doesn't mean she shouldn't know but rather means he shouldn't be doing it. In your case, you can't tell her because it's your cousin and you have to deal with him as family regardless of his matial problems. On the other hand, I personally would have great respect for anyone in your family that stood up and told her rather than protect him because he is your blood relation...she is family too.

If it is public knowledge, she may know. I know you said you don't plan to tell her but would you consider helping her find out? Just a thought.

Yes, I would want to know. Information gives you the ability to think and to act. Without information, you're powerless. For me, there's nothing worse than time lost that could have been spent doing something for lack of knowing there was something that needed addressing. That's just me though. I know some people who would probably not want to know anything for the very fact that it would force them to think about something and make a decision they don't want to make.

J.,

When someone's husband OR wife is stepping out, their spouse usually knows (even if they don't want to admit it or let on to other people). It is not only hurtful and humiliating, it is the ultimate betrayal. Some women turn a blind eye because they want to keep the family together at ANY cost and some because they don't want to change their lifestyle. Last but not least, some women love their man and are willing to do anything to keep their vows.

If I actually saw someone (who was family or a close friend) cheating, I would not go to their spouse and tell them, but I would make sure the cheater knew I saw them and if the opportunity arose, ask them how the family was doing! (In other words...make the worm squirm).

If your husband was cheating, don't you think you would know? I think I would....that kind of behavior is something one can almost smell.

Yes, I would want to know, that way I could warm up my baseball bat swing.

That being said, in your shoes I don't know if I would tell if I didn't know the person well. This is why. When I was a teenager, my boyfriend's (now my husband) best friend was cheating on his girlfriend. We knew about it, and I was all ready to tell. Then one day, the girlfriend tells me that if anyone ever told her that he was cheating she wouldn't believe them.

I figured she was one of those that just wanted to keep her head in the ground. At that point there wasn't any reason to tell her. She would just think we were lying, and it would ruin everyones friendship.

Now they are married, and I will give it to her husband, he has stayed faithful since the day they got engaged. But, that's about all the credit I give him.

Yes, I definitely would want to know. Hopefully from my husband, and not someone else, but if anyone knew for sure, even a cousin that I didn't know well, I would want them to tell me.

Oh lord, who wouldn't??

I would want to know if my husband was having an affair. Okay, I wouldn't really want to know. That would really stink. But, just for the health risk alone, I would want to know. Ugh. What a mess of things our society finds normal and almost expected.

I would want to know.

and I don't think everyone with a cheating spouse "knows" it already and is turning a blind eye. Some genuinely DON'T KNOW.

I would want to know so I could take the necessary steps to plan what is best for me & my family at that point.

"Being in the dark" just makes a complete sham out of everything you do and say: your whole life....so, yeah, I'd definitely want to know.

yes, of course. the truth does set you free.

My first reaction is I would not want to know. The worry would be transmitting diseases but that damage is already done if he has already been cheating.

When I really think about it, I believe people make mistakes but I am not sure I could get over it. That being said, if there is a short term thing going on I wouldn't want to know. If there is a long term "love" thing going on I would want to know so I could move on. Make sense?

What is comes down to is all of our opinions does not matter, you would need to know what this woman's desires would be. If she is one that would want to know then you need to tell her. I have a friend that found out that her husband was up to something but she didn't know exactly what. I had just found out the day before and when she brought it up to me, I asked her if she really wanted to know. 24 hours later she said she didn't want to know so I never told her what was going on. It was her desires that I respected.

Good luck!

Yes, I would want to know. Preferably from my husband and not because someone else caught him. I do understand that some people would not want to know... I think it's because some people feel that no matter what happens they are sticking to their spouse and knowing of an affair won't change that.
I get what Toni is saying... I've seen a few instances where someone's spouse was cheating and the cheatER thought it was their dirty secret, but come to find out the one being cheated on knew and just hadn't said anything. It seems that the spouse of the cheater would be the first to know. I suppose it all depends on how adept their S/O is at cheating.
I would be the wife that knew and just hadn't said anything. I'm like that about about certain things. I'd have to get some things worked (mentally) out first. Once I felt I had everything in order then I'd say something.

If I found out someone was cheating I don't think I'd tell on them. I'd rather stay out of it.

My husband had an emotional affair a few years ago, and I would have wanted to know because there were some problems in our marriage. Some were mine fault (nagging, put downs), some were his (showering the other woman with gifts and attention instead of me). We have worked on things, and we're now happily married and are trying for a baby together. Yes, I would want to know so I have choices. I would want the chance to decide whether my marriage is worth saving, or if I'm wasting my time. There was a guy in my church who had an affair for years, and even had children with the other woman. After about 10 years of seeing this woman, he goes home and says he's leaving. He wasted 10 years of his wife's life by not giving her the choice to stay or leave. I wouldn't want that for anyone who's being cheated on.

I sure would! I can't understand how the affair wouldn't be "what tears the family apart", now the truth, that is the deal breaker...
What planet is she on? She should try to have a "moral" talk with him and see if she can talk some sense into him. He will get caught eventually.
That is so selfish what he is doing.

Yes, I would absolutely want to know! I also would hope my friends and family would tell me. Maybe the first place is to start with your cousin and let him know you are aware of his situation and that you are worried about his family.

Yes. But how do you know it's not just an Open Marriage agreement?

I'm the sort of person who, if my husband had an affair, would be the *last* to know. Call me dumb if you like! I don't read the articles in the mags titled, "How to tell if..." and I just don't naturally think in that direction. Everyone else would catch the signals (or hear the gossip) before I did.

That said, I would want to know. I have a high regard for marriage in general and for this one in particular, and when it's in danger I can't respond to that danger unless and until I know that it's there.

If it were my friend's husband having the affair, I would think she needed to know. But I can't imagine how I would tell her... yikes. Maybe it's the sort of situation in which you find a way when the need arises.