Husband Wants to Go on Date with Old Lover - Alone

You're right - married people don't go out to dinner, or anything else with old lovers unless you're going out as couples all together.

The world has gone awry - if monogamy, and husbands & wives honoring each other were the norm then we wouldn't have these weird situations with former lovers, ex-spouses etc. I had been married before and my husband had a long-time live-in relationship before we met. But we both knew that once we were together old relationships were done, finished. He wouldn't want me to see an old lover just as I wouldn't want him to.

If a marriage is going to work you have to get rid of the old. A marriage counselor once told me that all remnants of former loves had to be discarded for a marriage to really work - photos, love letters, souvineers, etc. It's a part of the whole package of honor, love & respect. That's what will make a marraige work.

L.,

YES, YES, YES!!!!! You did the right thing. I wouldn't tolerate that either. He is crazy to think you would be ok with this!!!! Be careful of this woman, this is probably not the last that you have heard of her. GL

M

Yup you did! thats NOT COOL! why on earth would he think it was OK to go out Alone w/ this "slut".....
Ask him to reverse the situation... would he be fine w/ letting you out Alone??

BUT I do have to say .... you were going out of town ~ SO if he were a Dirt Bag he would/could have just gone out with her and NOT told you/asked you.
Just tell him how uncomfortable this whole situation makes you !

I think you did the right thing by letting him know this was not ok. because it isn't! YIKES!
there is a great marriage advice my hubby and I got early on. One piece of this advice is do not give people reason to talk and eating out alone with any member of the opposite sex gives cause for gossip - yes, even a work colleague in the middle of the day!
call me crazy, but this made such sense to me. I think by offering to go along with him showed that you are not opposed to him talking to this woman,but that you care about his reputation and your marriage and simply want to protect that from others.
also, if they just wanted to "catch up" what is wrong with the phone call?! whey do they have to SEE one another to find out what is going on? sorry, it is not about you not trusting your hubby, it is about you not trusting the other woman's intentions. . . share that with him and maybe he'll come to understand - better yet - have him put the shoe on the other foot and see how he'd react.

You married a cheater. He has a history of it--no matter why he *claims* he cheated while he was married--he cheated.
I don't blame you for having a "fit" as you called it. I'm all for healthy male/female relationships, but in this case....what did he miss out on by just talking on the phone? That would make me even more suspicious as to why he was "furious" for not being able to see her in person...and why was it so important that you NOT be there? Since you also knew her & worked with her? That seems a normal enough compromise.

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When I saw the title of your post my eyebrows went "SAY WHAT??? TOO WEIRD. NOT OKAY". You did the right thing girl. Say that there's this thing called "woman's intuition" and that you had a gut feeling this isn't a good idea. Let him know that it's not that you don't trust HIM, but that you don't trust HER. Let him know that him talking to her and going out with her would make you so incredibly sick to your stomach -- "Is it really worth it to you to go out with this woman? I guess you wouldn't mind if I called up some guy I used to sleep with and go on a casual date with him while you stayed home? That's not the marriage I want us to have."

Heck yes! No way, no how. No matter how solid your relationship is, that is a temptation waiting to happen 'for old times sake'. Also, go online to your phone provider, and have her # blocked.... just to be safe.

He's been in affair. She's been in an affair. They both have proved they have no boundaries and and are capable of making stupid decisions...and they proved it with each-other. Yes, you did the right thing.

I would have done the same thing, lost all respect for my spouse, and questioned why in the world I am married to such a disrespectful man. But, that's just me.

There is really nothing "okay" about a married man wanting to have a private dinner with a former lover (who probably isn't really lesbian, but bisexual). I'm just trying to think of what my husband would say if I called him with the same request... wait, I wouldn't do that to him and he EMAILED this request? He knew it was wrong or he would have called. They didn't bump into eachother, she's seeking him out.

Even if he had no intention of wrong-doing, she does. Enough booze and "remember whens" and impaired judgment... recipe for disaster! You did the right thing and your husband is way out-of-line here.

Do you know he didn't "go out to dinner" with her? You were out of town. Your husband has already proven with his ex-wife that he doesn't mind having sex while being married...sorry, I wouldn't trust him. Don't blame it all on this flirtatious, bisexual woman. It seems way too important to him and you only know a part of it. This isn't how a man should behave a year into a marriage, I think it is big trouble and a complete lack of respect for you and your vows.

You did the right thing-she is no ordinary past lover. She sounds like she is a highly sexual person who would almost for sure come onto him. Even if he was going to 'behave' this is not a situation that a married man puts himself in.

Yes, I would have been the same way. He should respect you and what you want not her.

Wow - I disagree with a lot of posters here.

You did the right thing.

Your husband shouldn't be going out with this woman, "honest about it" or not.

People here are saying "if he wanted to cheat he wouldn't have mentioned the dinner." Apparently those people are not familiar with how cheaters work. If he wanted to cheat and was SMART, he would mention how innocent this dinner is, see if you would buy into it, then make it a "habit" down the road....before you know it....not so innocent anymore. If he lied about the dinner and went and then got caught later (ie someone saw him at the restaurant), then no more flirtatious friend. If he is honest and someone sees him at dinner, innocent or not, he is not "lying".

Maybe your husband wouldn't do this. But if he wants female friends (which I firmly believe men should have, and women should have male friends), it should be with someone that he hasn't slept with and that doesn't make you feel uncomfortable.

Lesbian or not, in a relationship or not, anyone can cheat. It does not matter that she is a "lesbian in a relationship". That argument wouldn't hold any ground with me, and shouldn't with you.

I would never have dinner with a man that made my husband feel the way your husband made you feel. Just isn't worth it. Unless, of course, you are preventing ALL female relationships and he is just fed up - but that doesn't seem to be the case here. Both married persons should be able to have opposite sex friends - but the spouse comes first. If the spouse is reasonable in his/her requests, the other spouse should only be dining with women/men the other spouse is comfortable with.

Best wishes

Your Husband, is mad because he could not have his cake and eat it too.
Because, you, his WIFE, stopped him from having his thrills.

Of course, this situation is not trustworthy.
And that other woman, is a SLUT.
She doesn't care who she hunts down to screw around with.
And your Husband, used her for sex too, before.

All around, they are both, jerks.
And per their history both as a pair and as individuals.... well they do not display, appropriate relationship values.
Right?

Considering all the facts, hands down you did the right thing. The nerve of him to ask for them to go ALONE. He should have arranged something for you two to meet along with her girlfriend, and then MAYBE consider asking to see her alone. There is no reason why they need to be alone...after 11 years, uh no! I hope he sees why you feel this way, regardless of your past with your X. This woman doesn't sound like she can be trusted and he knows this...

Honey, what are your instincts telling you? When you look back at your first marriage can you see the signs of cheating in hindsight? When you look at your current marriage do you feel that it's strong? Do you trust him? Are there signs of cheating? Can you tell when your husband is lying?

I have a couple of thoughts, and take them for what they're worth ie. a stranger on the internet (albeit one that lives a few towns away from you). Your husband is a serial cheater. Being married twice before didn't change that. He sounds like an opportunistic cheater. He does it because he can even though he knows it's wrong.

Frankly I think you have reason to distrust him. His history proves he can't be trusted to be monogamous. The best indicator of the future is someone's past. If his behavior is going to change, he needs motivation and to realize that it's a problem so my suggestion is marriage counseling.

Well frankly, you married a cheater so you have reason to be concerned. I would make sure he has no contact whatsoever with her. How sad that you have only been married a year and have to deal with this. Its likely you will start to wonder now what he's up to when he's not with you. Thats not a happy way to live your life. I hope you can work it out. Good luck.

You did the right thing.
I told my husband early on (when he was boyfriend) if you want to be seeing other people that's fine with me but I won't be one of them.
If you want to be with me - then BE with ME.
If I'm not who you want - you know where the door is and don't be coming back.
My husband would have an absolute fit if I wanted to go to dinner with an old boyfriend and I feel the same way about him seeing an old girlfriend.

Stay home and watch "The Money Pit" together on DVD and eat some popcorn.
There's a part where she's mad at him for being mad at her because he thinks she strayed with her ex husband.
He can't forgive her (initially) and she can't forgive him for that.
It all works out in the end and it's a classic romantic comedy.
It might open up a useful dialog between you and your husband.

Yes, you did the right thing. Your husband has proven his character with his last marriage.

You have every right to bring this up....hell no to him seeing her...What's wrong with him???? Tell him flat out no.

Red Flag! Red Flag! Red Flag! Sweetie, it looks like you have another cheater on your hands :(

From a woman who married a cheater, if your gut is telling you this is not ok, then it's not. Plain & simple.

You can choose to fight him over this, you can choose to 'put your foot down', you can choose to ignore it, or you can choose to leave him. Chances are no matter what way you decide to go, the outcome between he & this woman (and any other woman who catches his fancy) will be the same.

The only thing you can change is the way you allow it to affect you.

Several of my husband's drop-dead gorgeous frineds were FWB's before he and I met.
If he wanted to get together with one of them for dinner while I was out of town, I wouldn't be concerned. Either I trust him to keep his johnson in his jockeys or I don't. And if I don't, then we really shouldn't be married.

I wouldn't have a problem with my husband going out to dinner with a female friend-even one that he'd had a relationship with in the past *BUT* this relationship was based purely on sex and your current husband admitted that he cheated on his wife with this woman. Not good a good combo.

Again, it would be totally different if he and his other wife had an "arrangement" and she knew about the other women but clearly this was not the case.

You husband also needs to respect that you carry scars (as we all do) from your previous marriage/being cheated on. I would calmly discuss with him that you trust him but you don't trust her and you aren't comfortable with the relationship they had in the past and let him know that you are human and while you know he isn't your former husband, he has admitted to some of the same behaviors and while you aren't comparing them you can't help but have concerns because your marriage, this marriage is important to you and what would it say to him if you weren't concerned at all?

I'm sorry, I don't think this has anything to do with trust. There's "trusting" that there won't be cheating, but there also has to be a realistic acknowledgment of human nature and behavior. I think this is more an issue of respect (for you, your feelings, and marriage in general), boundaries, and common sense. You don't put yourself in certain situations.

Let's assume that he had no intention of cheating. He goes to dinner with her and you have ZERO control over her behavior toward him: what she wears, what past memories she chooses to bring up, how flirtatious she is...and all of this plants a "seed". A seed of memory, thinking about what was and even wondering how it could be now...and that's where the trouble starts. It won't end with one date.

Before I married, that happened to me every time I went out w/an ex - it always threw me back into wondering what was, why we had broken up, etc....drama.

An alcoholic knows what he or she is in for when they drink, so it's wise for them to avoid certain situations where they could compromise themselves. I think it's the same with relationships like this. You already know it has negative potential, so don't go there! Chalking it up to a pouty "you don't trust me" is extremely naive.

I think you did the right thing. His response is very telling.

Your husband is out of his damn mind and I would put my foot down and keep it there. There's NO WAY that would EVER fly.. EVER. You did the right thing. Why is he so hurt that he couldn't see this woman alone?! Looks like you have some tough conversations coming up!

Meeting with exes is always a touchy thing. If there's still some attraction, there's temptation to do something to get yourself in trouble. And even if you behave yourself, it might make even the most reasonable spouse jealous.

I think that married people just have no business being around exes unless there are kids and custody involved, and then only in as much as the exes need to keep in touch to coordinate their parenting.

It just causes problems. Don't friend your exes, don't talk to them on the phone, don't email them, and don't go to dinner with them. If you run into them at a store or something, you can spend a few minutes slaking your curiosity and catching up, but that's it.

This goes for husbands and wives both. Just stay away from your exes.

Wow! I don't think I would have been too happy as well. Sounds like there was a lot of bed hopping going around. Yuck! I would say sit down with hubby and explain to him why you reacted the way you did. He should respect you and your feelings. I don't know if he was planning anything but to e-mail and not call... talk to him.

You absolutely did the right thing... this 'friend' was never a platonic friend - but a booty call. I cannot believe some of these husbands who think it's ok to mess around and go out with or have long conversations/texts with former lovers or new interests!!

You need to tell him to get a reality check! With you being married just over a year - if he continues this behavioral issue - I'd just divorce and move on. He isn't worth the trouble, heartache or effort...

If the coworker gave her cell number to your husband, he obviously called this woman and made the first contact- why? How many times have they talked already? How did they talk and plan the 'dinner', and especially, why did they plan to go out when you were out of town? How do you know he did not see her if you were out of town? And why would he even be interested in seeing her alone, if he is completely devoted to you?
Every little bit of this has a red flag attached. How can you be sure that they aren't talking, emailing, and seeing each other behind your back? Maybe the story of her 'bumping into' a coworker and passing her phone number isn't even true. If it were me, I would have so many doubts and be suspicious of everything from now on. To me this is a huge betrayal of trust, and is a clear sign he has not left his cheating ways in the past.

It's your relationship, so no one can tell you if you did the right thing.

If I were out of town, and my husband had dinner with an old love, I wouldn't care, even if she were a flirtatious lesbian. You can't force someone to be faithful, if they are otherwise inclined. If you don't have trust in your relationship, then I don't see the point.

For me, if I have to force someone to be faithful to me, then I don't want them. Without trust, you have nothing, so I think it's better to go the trust route. If he's going to cheat on you after one year of marriage, you might as well find it out now.

You know that old saying: "If you love something, set it free; if it comes backs it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was." Corny as that is, I think there's a lot of truth to that.

you are holding the past over your husband's head..NO you did NOT do the right thing...

YOU SHOULD HAVE TRUSTED YOUR HUSBAND!!!!

he told you what he was doing - he wasn't being sneaky or devious.
she's in a lesbian relationship.

I too would be furious with you for not trusting me and holding your ex-husband's behavior over MY head....EDIT: I need to clarify - you KNEW his behavior when you married him - that tells me that you condoned his behavior....I know I'm in the minority here but if you don't have trust in him - then you need NOT be married to him...period...if there's no trust...then you don't have much at all...you are his WIFE not his mother..

He cheated on his first wife. Who cares about the reason, cheating is cheating and he was wrong, period. In my mind, once a cheater, always a cheater. This may be harsh, and I could be wrong. Now he wants to go out with this woman. New lesbian or not, she is an old lover, this will only lead to one thing. He absolutely should not go. The fact that he wants to go shows there is an issue with something. There is no way in hell I'd "let" my husband go!

You do not see past lovers and if you do go with your significant other, if you have one. If you are not in a relationship then do what you want.

You do have to trust you hubby but he should know how you feel about this and want to do what is best for your relationship together. If he knows your past he really should be sensitve about how this really would make you feel but you also need to let go of your past as best as you can and not put those worries on your current marriage.

Lastly with current hubby, you said he cheated in past marriage, does not matter if marriage is good or bad he cheated. I am sorry but most guys that have cheated, that I know, do no change or only change for awhile. You are hie wife, you can say you feel uncomfortable with it and he should respect that and not see this past lover. Personally I think ask or not to see the women does not mean he will or will not cheat... in the end he needs to put how it is making you feel first.

Good: He actually asked you first.
Bad: He didn't think it was inappropriate!!?!?!
Bad: He CALLED her after you told him he can't meet her?!?!
Bad: He was furious about you saying no?!
Ugh! The guy has boundary issues. I would be PISSED he would even think of going. You two need to sit down and define what marriage means to him. You may need outside help.

I think it was odd and foolish of him to consider doing such a thing. Especially considering your past experience and his actions with
his last wife.

I don't think you're out of line. If the woman is harmless she should
meet you as a couple. Not meet him alone. Inappropriate.

Best wishes-

WOW! Yes, you did the right thing. That sounds like a date to me. I trust my husband and he has to have business lunches with women because of his work. Can't control that. But, on a social and personal level! No way!!! You need to stop this now. If she is just a friend, he will include you.

Your husband was open and honest with you. Yes, he was probably being clueless about how this would make you feel, but you overreacted. If he had wanted to cheat with this woman (who is admittedly in a relationship already), he would never have mentioned the dinner.

I wouldn't assume that my DH was cheating on me if he had dinner with a girlfiend from a old relationship who was now in a committed relationship herself. But I do not have the unfortunate experience of being cheated on.

He may not be 100% innocent (he probably enjoyed the flirting, etc.... Most people can't help but like it at least a little, if the other person is attractive), but I think the more important thing is that the two of you get some counseling. I don't think either of you is necessarily "messed up" but if you don't deal with these trust issues (and his lack of understanding of the scars on your soul & psyche), your marriage is probably not going to last.

If he won't go, then go yourself, because you obviously have hurts that your projecting on to him that are not necessarily his fault or that he's actually doing. And you need to have a sit-down, serious talk with him, and let him know (non-accusatorily) that because of the previous hurt, you can't help but go into "red alert" mode when you see something that seems like it could be a repeat of that hurt, and that you'll ask him to try to understand that while you work through it. Offer to have this lady and her partner over for dinner or go to dinner with them, etc. Try to compromise and let him know you're not trying to cut him off from his friends or "forbid" him (there's no surer way of getting someone riled up when they are an adult and you're trying to "forbid" them from doing something).

If you don't trust him and if it would cause you to feel uncomfortable and/or accusatory, then yes you did the right thing (but you might want to work on the trust issues before they cause major problems). I don't really like the idea of adults forbidding other adults from doing something but saying, I would prefer if you did not go out with the woman without me...I see nothing wrong with that. Personally, I wouldn't care but I don't have an adulterous ex and my husband has never cheated in past relationships...apples to oranges, I guess.