Your Wrong Married Men Keeping Secret Woman

What kind of man is he? He's the kind of man who cheats on his wife. That tells me everything I need to know. Now, what kind of woman are you?

I think you are scared of a "real" relationship so you specifically chose a man that is unavailable. Time to grow up, get over the past and go find a man who is not a cheater and who is emotionally available.

You asked, "what kind of man is he?". Simple...He is a cheating kind of man.

So what if he says that he is complicated..he is not. It really is that simple. He is cheating on his wife with you.

I believe you meant to say that he wishes that he was a mormon vs more man. I think the latter is a better fit. He probably does wish he was more of a man. Like a good man that does not cheat on his wife and put his family at risk for destruction.

ETA: www.survivinginfidelity.com

There's a board on the site JUST for people who are betraying their spouses, and affair partners who are trying to pull their head out and stop causing wreckage & pain to others... Plus a lot of good reading.
____________
Sweetheart... Your self esteem is STILL in the crapper.

1) You're stealing from another family...

Money, time, and love.

- $ . If asked to, Could you make a financial amends to this woman and her kids? How would YOU feel if someone stole 5,000, 10,000, god only knows how much you've stolen over the years from these kids by accepting gifts from this man.

- Time. How much time from his family have you stolen? Weekends? Where a woman is home alone with her kids while the man who is SUPPOSED to be loving & cherishing her BEFORE all others is out galavanting with you and your kids. Where daddy isn't there to help with homework, play catch, talk about girls, or in any other way be a good parent to his own kids.

- Love. Love is a decision. And its work. By providing something "shiny"... How many shoulders to cry on, smiles to share with, hands to cheer with, heart to grow closer to, laughs, hugs, sex, conversation, etc... Have you STOLEN from his marriage?

2) That he values his wife so much as to LET you, shows you exactly how much he respects his vows, commitments, and BOTH. of you. Aka, not at all.

3) He's a selfish coward.

If he really cared about EITHER of you he'd have divorced his wife YEARS ago... To. Let. Her. Find. Someone. Worthy. Of. Her.

- Instead of being a cake eater by pretending to love her & keep her on the back burner NOT ALLOWING HER TO FIND THE LOVE SHE'S WORTHY OF.

- Wanting you to have someone worthy of you who puts YOU and your kids first in his life.

= Selfish coward... Who wants a cook/maid/babysitter/sex partner at home, and then keeps you as his piece on the side for whenever he wants a change up.

4) He's a liar.

- Everything he's ever told you about her is likely to be a flat out lie. EXACTLY what you need to hear to keep you on the line. Like not having sex (most men having affairs have MORE sex at home than they do in the affair, according to Kinsey's. I can verify that anecdotally. We were have sex a couple times a day during the entirety of his affair... Until I found out about it). Whether or not she knows / if they're in an open relationship is another common one. That she's crazy/cold/mean/abusive (Oh! You poor thing!). The list goes on.

Because for darn sure... He's lying to her about you. Every. Day. The woman who knows him best is being lied to. And if she's not catching him at it, how many lies do you think YOU'VE missed.

.... I could go on.

It would be nice if scummy men didn't have such great EXTERIORS, huh? I'm sure he makes you laugh, smile, feel good... All the while he is a lying cowardly bastard.

And you want to be in a relationship with a lying cowardly bastard? REALLY?

Or has he just preyed on you, with your standards in the toilet after being treated like garbage for so long, that being treated like recycling seems "good"?

He is a cake and eat it kind of guy.

SAeriously?
You know what kind of man he is? The kind of man that likes to have some $ussy on the side. And that's exactly what you are.
He wants to be able to be with his family, his WIFE, HIS kids, and have you on the side.
He doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't want to be with you.
And I am not Mormon, but last time I checked they do NOT approve of polygamy. That's stupid.
YOU WORK FOR HIS FAMILY???? Does that mean you know his wife??? ICK ICK ICK. That's so nasty.
You know his kids, you know his wife, and you are still sleeping with this man.
Find some self respect, find a new job, leave this creep.
I want to make sure that you understand that you are not some little innocent bystander in this whole thing. You KNEW that he was married before you started anything with him. That's gross. He promised to love and respect his wife and here he is sleeping with you. Also gross.
It's like a Jerry Springer episode.
BLECH.
L.

He's the kind of man that cheats.

He's the kind of man that lies to his spouse.

He's the kind of man that manipulates.

The question isn't what is HE doing with YOU. The question is what are you doing with him? Why have you lowered your standards to his level?

What kind of man is he???

He is a cheater
He is a liar

He is not trust worthy
He has broken his wedding vows

He claims he loves you. Yet he hides your relationship from the world.
He claims he doesn't want to hurt his wife and children yet that is what he is doing by having an ongoing affair.

Don't you want better??

what does it mean?

It means you are both weak and lack morals and the ability to set healthy boundaries.

Nothing more.

I'm not sure why you are confused. It seems to me you are trusting someone you know to be dishonest. That is not wise. So, stop.

Okay, there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you. YOU. Him too, but what in the world made you think it was okay to start any kind of "thing" with a married man? You're a fool to think getting into a relationship with a married man is a good idea, and what about your kids? What are you teaching them? You and he both need to be taught a lesson in how to treat people. You're the kind of woman I tell my boys at the young ages of 5 and 7 to stay far away from. And that man you spend time with, what a complete piece of trash. He doesn't take care of anyone but himself and he has you both fooled. You are not harsh on yourself at all, if you were, you'd woman up and go the heck somewhere else. People like you and him honestly make me so sick.

honestly you've wasted so much time on men who cant fully commit. i think you need to think about why you think you deserve so little, or why you afraid to put youself out there for a man who is able to committ.

Stop wasting your life with the wrong men.
leave the guy, because honestly know guy is worth being that ashamed, and you should be considering you are with a married man, nonetheless a man whose family you know.
so take the following steps

-look for a new job
-break it off with this guy and that means no being friends, even when you;re working there, J. civil..you cant fall into it again
-fix yourself, heal from whatever has you thinking you arent good enough
-find out why you keep choosing the wrong men
-learn how to be independent and HAPPY
-find some hobbies and find new friends...there are several groups on meetup.com or online you can join J. to meet friends
-after you take the time to heal then put yourself out there but only for a good guy if you decide that being single isnt for you

He wishes he were a Mormon? So he could f*ck both of his women without feeling bad about it? (To be clear, I do realize that the modern mormon church doesn't condone polygamy, I'm just responding to the original comment and what it implies). He cares about what HE wants, not you. What a selfish, selfish man.

J., I do have compassion for you because it seems that all your self worth is wrapped up in this man. That's not healthy at all!
I would love to believe your So What Happened, where you say that you want honest answers, but I think that no matter how much honesty you are given, you will justify staying with this man.

I have to say, I don't have much respect for a woman who knowingly enters in to a sexual relationship with her married boss. If you are truly ashamed of your part in this, you would end the relationship WITHOUT going to his wife.

I think you know the kind of man he is. Question is ... do you want to be the kind of woman that you've become? Think hard on it and good luck with your situation and doing the right thing.

----

ETA: Why don't you ask him point blank what it means that he is spending more time/money on you?? Do you think you'll get an honest answer? He's already a liar.

Oh, J....this is your first question.
Don't expect a lot of support. You are the 'other' woman. And you are a secret. Run away etiher from him or from this site. It's not going to be pretty if you are looking for support.

What kind of man is he? He's not complicated--he's a cheating SOB. He's the kind of man who has neither respect nor love for his wife, OR for you.

Please respect yourself and end this now.

ETA: If "the other woman" approached me and told me she'd been banging my husband for years, the police would probably have to pry my hands off her cold, dead neck.

J.:

Welcome to mamapedia.

You are in the wrong. Sorry. But you are dating a married man. If he loves you, then he needs to divorce his wife and move on. If he is "afraid" to hurt his wife and kids? He is using you for a quick piece of a$$.

Your soul searching should have told you what you are doing is WRONG. Let him him go.

What kind of man is he? He is a manipulator and a user. Simple as that.

What does being MORMON have to do with anything? Sorry - but polygamy is illegal and no longer practiced in the Mormon faith. Well, I am sure there are some sects that do - but really. Come on. WAKE UP.

Find another job. Then quit your job.

My money is saying that he has at least one more like you. Especially with the "mormon" line. It's not a line - it's a manipulation. He's using you. You are allowing it. You are getting what you want out of it because he is buying you and your kids things. But really - he is a CHEATER. You are an adulterer. Period. Yes, that is harsh - I want it to hit home with you. I do NOT want to me mean - but I want reality to set in for you.

You are having an AFFAIR.
You are an ADULTERER.

Do some more soul searching. Your gut should be telling you what you are doing is wrong. GET OUT OF THE AFFAIR. He will NEVER leave her. EVER. And if he does, really - are you going to trust him?

He's a scum of a 'man'. He is a cheater and a liar. If he can go home and lay with his wife with no thoughts of what he has just done with you? No conscience. How many other women has he slept with? How many diseases might he have?

STOP SEEING HIM.

You will gain the respect of all us mommas, yourself and God if you walk away from this and don't look back.

Who cares about what kind of man he is! He is the kind of man that will do this to you if he can do it to a wife and kids.

What kind of woman are you to be so desperate to lower yourself to a paid hussy on the side...yes...that is what you are. You are getting paid with trips,sweet talking' and attention.

He has a wife and family...don't be part of ruining that. You don't want to be the hussy he ends up with after ditching a family he has made a commitment to.

My dad did exactly what this man is doing. All 4 of us kids are still,even as adults, struggling with the deceit,betrayal and dishonesty our father had for us,our mom and covenants he made at the altar. Life is pretty miserable for him...and the honey on the side that he married. It is not pretty....don't fantasize what you have with him.

Tell him you care about him and have had a lot of fun with him. If YOU truly love him then do what is best for him(and you). And that is to be a real man and take care of the family he has.

Love should never come above integrity,honesty and following God.

I wish you the best. You are not an evil woman...just a desperate woman...willing to give up morals,values, decency and integrity...all for attention of a man.

Try and see what kind of woman and mother you can be without a man in your life. Think of the example you want to set for your boys who are growing into men. I hope that they can take the mess of a home life they have been shown and break the cycle....and find women they will honor and cherish.

Good luck and best wishes...at doing the RIGHT thing!!

Sister, you may not find support on here. We are all either old (I'm 54), married, or the survivors of cheating fathers, husbands, boyfriends, etc.

Some of us have even cheated in our day---but we have put that behind us.

No support here.

He's a philandering cad who is stringing you along. The whole situation is heading for disaster, and mark my words, people will have their lives blown apart because of his, and your actions.

He is not "complicated." He is a man who wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants his wife and kids at home, and you on the side. Now you have to decide if that's enough for you; is this what you want? You also need to consider that the more money he spends on you and the more time he spends with you, the less time and money his family is getting.

I am looking at this from a different angle. What type of example is this setting for your sons? Maybe they don't know about your relationship with a married man, but if they do, what kind of example does that set - their mother is showing them it is acceptable to have a secret relationship with a married man?? That as a married man it is acceptable to disrespect not only your wife and children but also the "secret woman" by leading her on in a "relationship"??

I think it is absolutely disgusting that anyone enters into a relationship with someone that they know is married. I think both people are to blame and both people are showing ultimate disrespect to each other and the family that already exists.

I think he is scum, but if you are allowing it to happen, that doesn't look very good in your favor either.

I am just going to answer your question since I won't be able to control myself if I even TRY to say anything more..................
He is the kind of man, and I use that word losely, who WILL CHEAT ON YOU since he has no issues cheating on his WIFE. Period. If you need more than that I suggest you go to a therapist for your answers.

OMG, he's married. Where are your moral values????
you answered it..HE'S MARRIED!

Holy cow this is going to be the easiest question I answer all day.

What kind of man is he? A lying, cheating, sweet talking bastard.

You are a thrill ride. Of course he is going to spend more time with you. You are the little thing on the side. He probably knows you have some reservations so he is spending more time and money on you to keep you around. Chances are once the new of you wears off he will move on.

who would want him? He's a cheater. And just so you know, you are already a dirty secret. I'm not trying to be mean, but hey, does everyone know about you? Is the affair known? I hope you haven't flaunted him to your boys, because that is not a very good example to set for your kids.
Oh, and complicated means that he has no intention of divorcing his wife for you. You need to move on.

I didn't read any of the other responses, but my ex cheated.

You feel terrible about yourself in this situation, which should tell you its not the right thing to be doing. Even if he does leave his wife for you, is that how you want to start out your relationship? Is that the message you want to show your children? You know what the right thing is to do so just do it.

There's nothing to be confused about. He cheated with you, what makes you think he wouldn't cheat ON you too? You deserve more.

What kind of man is he? I think if I answered that truthfully Mampedia would pull my response for nasty words. He's the lowest of the low. Get out Now! You don't need a man and especially not this one.

This really isn't confusing at all. He's the kind of man who cheats on his wife and is dishonest and sneaky. If you do get him, and eventually marry him or something crazy like that, you will be married to a cheater who lies to his wife. And he will cheat on you and lie to you. You're no different than his wife now. He's just using you. Throw him to the curb and focus on yourself and your kids.

Updated

End what you're doing. You're harming many people. I cannot believe you're willing to do this to another family. You know what type of man he is I would state that this is not confusion as much as you trying to justify your wrongdoings. Do what is best for everyone and stop seeing him.

You are doing what has been done to you, eye for an eye. BREAK THE CYCLE, you need to find yourself again. Believe in GOD? Go to him first and let go of this dirty little secret. In the end you know he is NOT going to leave his wife for you and you are just going to end up a bitter & lonely person. Get out while you can, you don't need a man to take care of you. Take care of yourself first. Stand strong and move on.

Even if he does love you is this the kind of love that you want or deserve? Please get some counseling to build up your self esteem to leave this relationship. Nothing good will ever come out of it nor will he ever leave his wife by the sounds of it.

I’m sorry that I cannot have sympathy for you being the other woman, but I can only hope that you will do the right thing moving forward. Life is too short not to be happy. Please find another job and cut ties with this man.

What would happen if his wife found out and he had to make a decision? Who would he chose then? I almost wish that his wife would find out so that she is not being made a fool of. You also have to remember that there are children involved. He is only thinking about himself.

Please do the right thing…… in the end you will be much happier.

Why don't you tell his wife what you two have been up to and then ask *her* what kind of man he is?

ETA: as for what kind of person *you* are - I have to say, I think you're something of a piece of sh!t to *knowingly* do this to another woman. I don't care how low your self esteem is ... it's a sh!tty, sh!tty thing to do.

Shame on you.

What kind of man is he? A very dishonest, creepy, selfish man. One that uses people and only cares about himself it would seem. He doesn't sound very complicated to me.

Confused isn't what I would call it.
You have low self-esteem, self worth, you are selfish, irresponsible and weak.
I hope you seek a therapist so you can recover and get a life.

J., exactly what is Rebecca wrong about? It IS your first question, and no one here is going to be supportive of you being the other woman...

It's perfectly clear, to me at least, that the man's family does not know about you since you call yourself a "dirty secret". What I don't understand is why you wonder what kind of man he is, having an affair with you when he has a wife and children of his own. He's an adulterer. He is deceitful. He's living a lie. He spends time and money on a woman other than his wife, on YOU rather than on his own family.

I don't know what happened in your own marriage - you mentioned criminal hearings, so it must be more than him stepping out on you. Since your ex was unfaithful to you, I can't understand why you would think that having an affair with a married man would be acceptable behavior.

You need to decide if you are willing to ALWAYS take second seat to this man's real life. I don't know if you ever saw the movie with George Clooney called Up In the Air, but when HE decided that he was in love with the woman he was meeting in airport hotels around the US, he came to her house to tell her, only to find that she was married with kids. He was shocked and upset, and she told him that he just an "apostrophe" in her life.

That's what YOU are, J.. An apostrophe. Yes, he spends money on you (that he should be spending on his family.) This is all you will ever get out of him. Should his wife find out, she may throw his rear out of her house, but that won't mean that he will stay with you. By then, his relationship with you will have lost that "allure" that it once had, and he will probably go find someone else.

I'm not sure why this is hard for you to understand. It's an age-old story, really. HE isn't complicated at all. He fools around with a woman who is vulnerable and needy, and CONVENIENT. You are very convenient. However, just the fact that he says this to you, that he's complicated and wishes that he is more of a man means that he is telling you that he will never leave his wife. Can you not understand this? What HE'S complicated means is really that IT'S complicated. (Not him.) IT is his relationship with you, the OTHER woman. Saying he wishes he were more man is code for "I will never leave my wife because I don't have the nerve to do it."

Whitney Houston sang a song called I'm Saving All My Love For You. If you read the words to the song, you may find that this is indeed YOUR life, without the romanticism she sings the song with. The "woman" in the song will not grow old with this man. She is getting "the crumbs dropped from the table" and instead of finding a man who is actually available, she will grow OLD without any security or real prospects. When you see THIS side of it, the romance of the song fades away, and all that is left is a sad outcome.

You will indeed need to do soul searching to figure out if you are willing to put your future on autopilot by continuing to give this man the best years of your life. You need to consider finding another job and living without his financial support. You need to decide if you can live on your own after your children move out, without having a man to lean on. Perhaps what you should do is go seek out counseling and try to get your head together.

This is not just an emotional decision. It is also an issue of practicality. When it comes down to it, you have become dependent on him, in more ways than one. Because of that, you make up excuses in your head as to why you would be willing to allow yourself to be in the position of being "the dirty secret". J., women who do this don't have much self-esteem (you probably lost a lot going through the divorce, if you had much in the first place, considering the kind of man you were married to.) You would do well to work with the counselor on getting your self-esteem back, making a plan to create a life for yourself that isn't dependent on a married man who could walk away from you in a heartbeat, and find some happiness that isn't based on deceit.

Good luck with this.
Dawn

Per your SWH - slow developing relationships are sneaky, but that does not change the fact that he is CHOOSING to cheat on his wife and family. He may be a lovely man outside of that, and it is good that he helped you recover, but you both let it go to far. He is a dishonest man in this area. He is selfish because he is choosing to cheat. He wants what he wants, and isn't willing to do what is right in his relationships with women. YOU have to do the right thing for you AND it will be the right thing for him as well. He needs to commit to his family. You need to commit to yourself.

ORIGINAL: J., good for you for waking up and reaching out. You know what kind of man he is or you wouldn't be soul searching. He's not complicated. He's a dog. And he's right, he is less of a man for hurting everyone in his life. He is cheating on his wife and family, and lying to you to get what he wants. You made bad choices by letting your feelings get ahead of your brain, your moral code and your self worth. You were lonely and he took advantage of that - and you let him.

What would you do if you found out one of your sons was doing what this man is doing? How would that make you feel? This might give you some clarity on just how wrong it is, and how much you need to do the right thing.

You know you deserve better. Better to be alone and a strong, independent woman than alone as a dirty secret. Do what you can to find a new job and get out of there. Be strong for your boys, and for yourself.

What kind of man keeps a woman as a secret? What kind of man claims to love a woman but simutaneously makes her feel ashamed of herself and her actions? What kind of man strings a woman along on hold while he carries on with the rest of his happy family life and sees this other woman at his convenience? What kind of man uses ridiculous lines like "I'm complicated" as if everyone else in the world is simplistic? That is the kind of man he is. Personally, I think he's a man who is lacking integrity and so much worse. The question you didn't ask is when is he going to leave his wife for you? The answer to that would have been "probably never."

Well, you can let him know if he were a Mormon, he'd actually become an ex-Mormon as soon as the affair came to light.

As far as your situation goes, though, you know what kind of man you're with. You know all people are complicated. We are all capable of both great and terrible things. He's no different, and it doesn't make him special or entitled to ruin people's lives and play with their emotions (including yours, although you are complicit in his treatment of his family).

Take the feelings to heart of not wanting to be a dirty little secret, drop the relationship, leave the company, and start fresh with a new job and a relationship with someone who is single because you are basically teaching your sons that it is acceptable to treat their wives this way as long as they feel they are complicated people who don't want to hurt others by ending one relationship honestly before starting the next one.

And sorry if my post has a tone, I have so many family members who have been hurt and damaged by this kind of behavior. I admit, I'm a little touchy about it.

It means that if he is willing to ruin the marriage he has now he is willing to ruin anything with you as well. I would have a different thought if it happened once, but to do it constantly with his wife at home?

If he where a good man he would try to work things out with his wife, not his bimbo!
As for my thoughts about you... I am sorry but to know he has a wife and children makes me think the worst of you!

My best advice is you will someday know how it feels to be in the wifes situation!

you are a sad woman.

J. my heart is breaking for you. You are alone now. His level of commitment to you is only filled with empty promises. This man may have feelings for you but what the two of you are doing is dishonest. How do you know that if in the years to come if the two of you get together he won't cheat on you? In life there are not guarantees but karma will come back to bite you in the end.

I say to you develop a hobby, learn a new skill, meet new people, find a new job, break out of the box you have created for yourself with this married man and give yourself more credit. Cut him off and see what kind of man he truly is. I would encourage you to begin by looking for a new job.

I don't see you as a homewrecker because his relationship with his wife is his to cultivate or to destroy. Why do you believe you won't feel the fallout from that? Stop being his soft place to land. How would you feel in her shoes?

Back away from this man and this relationship with this man. Get involved with a single available man instead of this counterfeit.

J., this sounds like a terrible, emotional roller coaster for you.

I understand that the relationship grew slowly, so it seemed less suspicious. But now, you are where are you are.

You have your own future to consider and plan for. Does it include him or not? Does his future include you, or not? Those are very fair questions to ask and receive an honest answer to. You should no longer be keeping any of this a secret.

My gut tells me that he is in an emotionally lonely marriage, probably sexless too, and he nurtured you over time, so now you feel indebted to him.

My gut also tells me that this has all gone way too far, for way too long and evolved into something it should not have.

He is more than likely protecting his own financial future, as a divorce decreases his assets.

My gut also tells me that the more time and money he spends with you and on you, is that he is buying your secrecy. You have to live with that every day. Do you want to continue to live a lie?

It is normal for you to question all this now, as you are strong enough to realize that mistakes have been made. You were in a serious downer of a place and in major rebound mode when he came along side you. You must have some amazing qualities for him to to treat you this way.

I hope you can see yourself as valuable and worth a true commitment.

You will not be alone if you don't choose to be alone. I can tell you what kind of man he is. He is playing this perfectly : praying on your need, and self deprecating so that you will feel sorry for his situation. Do you know what kind of men do this? Narcissists who are incredible at praying on the vulnerable, making sure that they hook you. No, not him?

* He doesn't want to lose any of you - cake and eat it too
* Sounds like what you are doing together is exciting, rather the "mundane" of normal life.
* He buys you things - fantastic hook. You know who else does this? Mafia men for their mistresses

I know it feels complicated, but if you look at this objectively, without emotion, it does not bode well for any of you. Please think about his wife. She is not your responsibility, but please muster some empathy for her. There are MANY men out there. Don't take someone else's.

I think by you asking this this question, you know what kind of a man he is and you know what you should do. Have some courage and get out of this relationship. This is only bringing you down and delaying you finding true love and happiness with a man that can properly love you back.

does his wife know about you? to me, that is the central issue. some people stay in marriages where they agree to let each other have sex outside the marriage. from the way you describe things, though, it doesn't sound like she knows anything...in which case, he is scum.

i can't read the future, but i would say that the most likely thing is that he would throw you over for another woman somewhere along the way, keeping his wife out of the loop the whole time - unless she finds out and all hell breaks loose. the path you're on ends with you alone and ashamed and left holding the bag. you should end it first, and stop letting yourself be the weaker party in this whole thing.

i wish you peace, and clarity.

He's a man not worth your time. Have enough self respect to get out. Get some counseling to figure out why you crossed that line. Get your self worth back. Get a new job and don't look back. Don't be Lot's wife.

I believe your title says it all.

He's a selfish man. One that only is concerned with himself and his feelings. And you are selling yourself short. Even if he ever one day left his wife for you, wouldn't you always be afraid he would do to you what he did to his wife?
He's spending more time and money on you because you are his "kept" woman. He must be sensing that you might be about to walk away.
Don't kid yourself- it doesn't mean what you think it probably does. He's never going to leave his wife for you if he hasn't by now.