Morals Confliction, What Do You Do?

Yes, I have friends like this, and you can still be friends with them. I try not to judge. It makes me grateful for the happy and loving relationship with my husband. I'm a lucky, lucky girl!

Being a friend means accepting people for who they are, not who you want them to be. If you can't accept who they are then move on.

As long as they are not cheating with my husband, they can mess up their lives any way they want to.
Your first friend sounds like they have an open marriage - either is more or less free to date who ever they want.
If they are both cheating I don't know why they stay married (unless it's just cheaper to stay married and ignore it).
You're 2nd friend isn't married. It might be a committed relationship but they didn't vow to forsake all others - and she sounds bored with her longtime boyfriend.
Don't offer advice or insights unless they ask for it.
I wouldn't listen to any moaning about any dissatisfaction with their personal lives - they make their messes, it's up to them to fix them.

I've discovered that those who keep secrets for you will keep secrets from you.

If you really are morally opposed to cheating, then your friend can't be the exception.

If someone is a good friend you don't drop them simply because you don't like or agree with everything they do. I think if we did that we'd all be pretty lonely people.
But if a person's character develops in such a way that you find it hard to remain friends with them, well then, it's usually a good idea to move on. It's hard to remain friends with someone when their lifestyle and values constantly conflict with yours.
I'm a pretty loyal friend, so no, I wouldn't cut a friend out of my life because she cheated, or was thinking about cheating. That's her cross to bear, not mine.

No, I don't. I think cheaters are losers, and I don't keep losers as friends.

You are either morally opposed to it, or not. It seems you are not...if it doesn't involve you. Whatever, your choice, your life. Not a choice I would make, but it takes all kinds.

No, I don't have friends like this. No one is perfect or has the perfect marriage, but in no way would I continue to be friends with someone that I know is cheating on their spouse. My ex cheated on me and its a horrible thing to go through. I don't want any part of anyone who is a cheater. Good luck.

Having been the daughter of a serial cheater, I have strong feelings about marital fidelity. I hate to say it, but unless there were kids involved somewhere, I would probably be able to keep the friendship and just feel sorry for my friend that they think so little of themselves or their marriage. It would be much more difficult if a married w/kids girlfriend was doing this --and it's happened, and I'm no longer friends with that person. That's my trigger and I own it, but my feeling is once kids are involved, you are cheating on them and their future as well. I've just been personally affected by this on at least three occasions of having my own life ripped apart as a kid to really have a lot of tolerance or understanding. It's really, really very selfish and self-centered and horribly destructive.

Were my girlfriend a married woman with no kids? I'd be sad for her and encourage her to try couple's counseling. And were it a girlfriend who was dating a married man who had kids? I'd suggest she go find some help, too. People make mistakes, and lord knows my friends have seen me through some terrible ones, but having kids and cheating is one I just can't abide.

The moral thing to do is to practice fidelity in friendship. And that means being friends with them even if you disagree with them. You can TELL them you disagree with them, as you have, but there's nothing moral in walking away from a lifelong friend.

I think you can stay friends with someone so long as you still enjoy their company... If they're talking about the cheating all the time to the point that you just can't take it anymore, then time to move on. Or maybe they cheat to the point that their young children see it and that's above your tolerance limit... Something like that. I think you know in your gut when you can and can't be friends anymore. If you still like them overall, then I think you view this as a bad point in their lives and don't approve of their actions but look at the bigger picture and keep going. But I do think it can get to the point that a type of moral decision just gets under your skin so much that you can't continue. I'd find it way easier to maintain a friendship say in a case like this if the friend was conflicted about what she was doing but had underlying reasons than if she was kind of bragging about it, saw no wrong in it etc. I think as time goes on we face these types of things with long term friends. I'm having an issue with a long term friend who I find has gotten more and more self centered and I think she doesn't spend nearly enough time with her son yet still complains aabout her husband who spends way more time with him. Not so much a moral issue - though somewhat as what kind of mother someone is is a moral decision too - but it's tough to know what to do when it's a long term friend... Do you weather it?... Does it get to the point that you just don't enjoy them anymore?... I don't enjoy her anymore bc of it all but we've been friends for years. It's tough.

Well with the first scenario, I think it's natural that you hold anger towards her husband because he cheated on her (she's your friend, you care for her and he hurt her). You are more forgiving of her for the same reason (she's your friend and you care for her).

With the second, she is again your friend and while you're disappointed you can't make her comply with your morals and you have given her good advise but it's up to her to take it. You may also be more understanding because they aren't married (though it is still cheating).

I think because you are friends you tend to "look the other way" for all their other good qualities...just know that they may not be good girlfriend or wife material but may be wonderful friends (I know men like that!). I believe I would be able to not tell but, if asked, I would not lie for them.

Sometimes you have no choice. My sister got into a bad "flirty texting" relationship that was the demise of her marriage. I do not agree with how she conducted herself during or after the divorce... But I got her back more or less, she is my sister. Its not like I am going to disassociate with her because she did something I wouldn't.

My MIL found out a few year ago her husband (FIL) had an extramarital relationship almost 20 years ago that resulted in a (secret) child. This was tough on the family and it was not my place to judge my MIL's response to it all, only to support. And I can't exactly break ties with FIL, even if I look at him differently, have less respect etc. MIL is staying with him so we all are. He is a great grandpa either way.

A friend is a little different I guess because technically you do have more freedom to back off from a relationship if you choose. I might put a little distance between a friend and I if I found their values were that different that I couldnt really listen to their life stories/problems anymore. But I wouldn't drop completely. There are many different levels of friendship

I did that when I was younger and then I grew tired of picking up pieces of broken people who did it to themselves.

I quit listening to their exploits or gossip. That's step one. You have to decide if your morals are really strong or if you like to be on the edge of immoral behavior.
Beware, you play with fire, you get burned, goes for you, too.

Okay:
she's like this.
She was always like this.
She has a history of being this way.
You knew that.
You know that. Currently.
It is nothing, new.
And her Husband also is the same.
That is their, dynamic and behavioral problem.
It is their life.

Again, you knew this about her.
You know this about her.
She was this way.
She is this way.
And will probably always, be this way.
So why give her advice, or expect her to act any different?
It doesn't matter, to her or her life.
She is habitual.
You know, this.
It does not matter what you think.
She... is this way.
SHE is.
She is not you.
As this is for both, of those BFFs.
They both, are this way.

You don't have a morals conflict, you have a nosiness/judginess problem.

This doesn't concern you, end of story.

Yes I have friends who have been less than honorable in their relationships. It usually comes back to bit them at some point. It doesn't make me think less of them because in all cases, the relationships have been very complicated. I don't have any friends who are heartless and do this lightly.

Like you, I am loyal to my friends. I have a hard time being warm or even civil to their husbands or partners if I know that my friend has been cheated on. Probably a double standard, but my loyalty lies with my friends, not their partners/spouses.

Speaking for myself, NO, I couldn't be friends with them because they are the ones that have cheated. I couldn't stand by and just watch them hurt the men in their lives. If it was JUST the guys cheating, then yes, I could probably continue being their friend because they'd be the ones hurting and I would be there for support. Do I have friends like this? No!

Am I being judgemental? You bet! Is it against my morals? Sure is! Have I ever cheated on my husband? Hell no! Would I ever cheat on my husband? NEVER! Even if we had problems, nothing would be solved by going outside the marriage and having an affair. That's my opinion and I'm entitled to my opinion and feelings!

As for flirting - I see nothing wrong with totally innocent flirting. I joke around with guys all the time - I guess it could be interpreted as flirting - like when I take my car in for repairs, or when I'm at a fast food restaurant, etc. - I know I'll never see these people again and I know for a fact it's not going anywhere, so why not have fun! My daughter is almost always with me and we both love making people laugh. I see it as a win-win situation - everyone comes away with a warm fuzzy!

Good luck!!

It totally depends on whether it is a pattern of behavior with them, or a mistake that they remedy. If it is a pattern of behavior, then something is very lacking in their core principles, and I'd probably have very little in common with them. If just a mistake, well, we're all human, and it is how we go forward after our mistakes that determines what kind of a person we are.

No, I don't have any friends like that.

In general, I think that she who has never sinned can cast the first stone, you know? I have always been 100% faithful to my husband, whether we were dating or after we married, but I do have friends who I know haven't always been faithful to their partners. I guess to me, it's just not really my business what they do in their relationships. One friend and her husband decided to have an "open" relationship. They actually dated other people, and both of them knew all about it. I thought that was kind of strange, and that it would damage their marriage (it did - they are divorced now). A friend of mine in college cheated repeatedly on her then-boyfriend. At the time, I remember telling her that if she was inclined to cheat on this guy, he probably wasn't the guy for her. She ended up marrying him after we graduated, and sure enough, last year she sent me an e-mail saying, "You were right. John and I are getting a divorce." I wasn't happy about being right; they have two young kids, but you can kind of see these things coming sometimes.

Anyway, I guess like you, I'm more tolerant of my friends' relationship choices than I'd be in my own relationship, because it doesn't directly affect my life, and because my friends have other positive qualities that far outweigh the negative ones. In most cases, we won't be judged solely on the worst decision we ever made, but by the sum of all of our decisions.

of course. we all do. no one is made out of the same stuff as we are. and we should be willing to accept people with all their flaws and faults, and the good that comes with them.

When we love someone, we're much more willing to overlook the negative things. Why do you think some women stay with serial cheaters? That's why you can forget about the fact that your friend cheated on her husband, but not that her husband cheated on her.

One of my very best friends confided in me that she'd cheated on her husband. At first, I was stunned. She wasn't "the type", you know? Then I told her that I still loved her; I didn't approve of what she did and it would never be ok in my eyes, but that one indiscretion doesn't define her as a person. She was still the same person to me. I did encourage her to tell her husband; she did and they've worked things through. I think it would have been different if it happened more than once, but who knows *shrug*

That's the thing about real friends - they accept you, warts and all!

I don't have friends who have cheated on their spouse or SO, but I do have friends that do other things I don't necessarily agree with. It's called acceptance; I don't have to like what they do, but I do have to accept that they do it.