Is This Cheating or Just Fun. Not Parenting Advice but Please Help but Dont Judg

how can we respond to this without judgment?

You are a married woman enjoying the attentions of another man.

Getting physical in any way/manner is not acceptable at the workplace, especially if you're attracted to the other person. Time to look for another job!

Change jobs, move departments - whatever it takes to extract yourself completely from his presence.

You are on the edge of a very dangerous precipice here, whether or not you know it and even if you have never done anything like this before.

Run, don't walk, away from this situation.

JMO.

WOW,Put the shoe on the other foot. Your husband is hugging and flirting with some woman at work, she's giving him small gifts. I guess you would be ok with it? And are there any children? You said you feel like a teenager in HS trouble is your NOT you are a married woman. If things arn't that great at home, 1. Leave then consider what you really want. After 22 years of marriage I can tell you not every day is Romantic but that's life. Also stop and think this guy can't be that Great if he's not faithful to his wife do you really think he would be to you. And for that matter how do you know your husband is all that happy with you. Why not give those little gifts to hubby instead and see if things don't get better at home.

This is how an affair starts. I've seen so many workplace affairs between married people. Trust me EVERYONE has already noticed the flirtation between the two of you and are already gossiping. I would lay it on the line right now with him and say something like "a different time and a different place would have been great for us, you have really made me feel special lately.... SO special in fact that I need to let you know that we CANNOT be OVER friendly like we have been. I feel guilty and shouldnt have given you a card or the cookies, I just sort of got swept away.....". AND now you treat him like you treat everyone else in the place. If you go even one more step over the line you may not be able to pull yourself back. I am so serious. As you can see right now, you are making a choice to LIKE this guy... so no one will have pity on you later when your marriage or his becomes jeopardized by your fling. These things "dont just happen"... they evolve with two willing participants. STOP now or you will be so sorry later. That's all I can give ya advice wise.

How would you like it if it were your husband getting in some playful hugs at work?
You are already cheating on your spouse and instigating a breakup of your own and your co-workers marriages. Not only that, but you are not considering what happens if you have an affair and then have to face this person at work on a daily basis after the break up - you are putting your job at risk. What's the saying? Don't mess where you eat?
If you want a divorce, then break up with your husband before starting up with anyone else.
Your husband signed up for a life time commitment with you and doesn't deserve being exposed to any diseases from your running around on him.
If something is missing from your marriage (when's the last time you sent Hubby a love note with a chocolate kiss?), then do what you can to try to rekindle your feelings.
If your marriage is over, then end it officially and you can date (other singles) with a clear conscience.

If this isn't something you can tell your husband about it's cheating.

These situations NEVER end well. Before the electronic age affairs went on for decades undetected now they are ticking time-bombs especially if you work together!

It's a crush and they can be fun but realistically nothing ever stays "innocent fun" anymore. Time to either divorce and move on or just STOP what you're doing.

I'm sorry things are not good at home. I have no advice but here are my thoughts.

You are answering your own question in your last sentence, "But I have a feeling someone is going to get hurt." You know where this will lead. You have to take a look at your family and see if losing them is worth it, because that is what will happen. You already know this.

Best of luck to you.

.

Unless you want to be a homewrecker you need to stop. Its inappropriate. You could even lose your job. A lot of employers look down on married affairs. And its not just "somebody" thats going to get hurt, it will be a lot of people. GOOD LUCK!

Sounds like an 'office spouse', an you my dear are on a slippery slope. I agree with Angela.. remove yourself from the situation ASAP. I know if MY guy was acting like that, I'd be LIVID. I know it's nice to get attention, but take this as an opportunuty to spice up your romance with your man! Redirect the butterflies in your stomach with your honey... but stay away from this guy at work!!

"Is this cheating or just fun?" is your question....I think just the fact that you're thinking about it & asking answers your question.
How would you like a woman holding your husband's hand, hugging him, squeezing him & getting "a look" in her eye and making him feel like a teenager?

There's your answer.

I have been where you are. Sometimes the grass looks greener but it rarely is.....

Are you willing to tell your husband what is happening and what has happened? If not, that should be your sign that you are doing something you shouldn't be doing. I always live by the motto that I won't do anything without my husband around that I wouldn't do in front of my husband.

You might say that "nothing has happened" but I say something already has and is continuing to happen. Some people may argue that it is not technically cheating, but you are headed down a slippery slope.

Right now you might have a little crush on him and you like the way he makes you feel, but that's just a signal that you need to work on your marriage more. If you don't want someone to get hurt, stop this business NOW.

My husband's ex-wife got was in a similar situation when they were still married, only it was with a man much older than her in a senior position in the company they worked in. He would take her out to lunch and give her spending money. She would confide in him how unhappy she was in her marriage. DH suspected something was up but she always denied it and insisted that he was not someone she would ever be attracted to anyway. However, it was 6 months later that her and her hubby (now my hubby) were separated and a year after that, all of a sudden her relationship with this other man was "out in the open". She still maintains that she never cheated. Well, maybe, maybe not. Maybe nothing physical happened. But their behavior and actions were not exactly above board either. She was cheating emotionally, whether she realized it or not. If you are having marriage troubles and you are confiding in someone of the opposite sex about it, rather than talking to your spouse, that's a huge red flag in my book.

What would be the consequences at work if you got into a relationship with this man, married or not?

How would you feel if another woman behaved the way you are behaving toward your husband? Or if your husband was acting toward a woman he worked with the way this man is acting toward you? If you cheated on your husband, and you were the reason this man cheated on his wife, would you be able to live with yourself?

Do you really want to get involved with a man that would cheat on his wife?

Both you and your husband took vows to be faithful to each other, in both good times and bad. If you feel that things have deteriorated in your marriage to the point that it is not worth saving, then do the honorable thing, and get divorced before you start a relationship with someone else. Otherwise, you need to concentrate on your marriage and get whatever help is needed - counseling, etc.

You need to get your head out of Fantasyland and realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side.

This is trouble. You are married. You yourself can see this going down a path of no return, you said it yourself that someone is going to get hurt. You need to take a step back and look at your situation. You and this man are both married. You both have spouses at home that trust that you will not break your marriage vows. You can't do this. Stop seeing this guy at work. Stop talking to him. You owe it to your husband and yourself not to pursue this crush. Get couples counciling and work on your problems at home, but don't keep on flirting with a married man.

Oh my. D., it's hard to see what a situation really is when you are in the middle of it, so take our word for it when we say RUN.
No good can come from this and you have to be the one to put the brakes on. No more hugs, no more gifts. No personal contact AT ALL. I would be crushed if my husband acted this way to another woman.

You say that you have a feeling that someone is going to get hurt......let it be you! If it will hurt you to end this flirtation.....then so be it! It's better than ruining 2 marriages over!

My thought is if you wouldnt act like this in front of your husband with this guy, you probably shouldnt be doing it.

I just want you to know that this happened to my sister (who is the sweetest woman, best wife and most wonderful mother) when she was younger. Like you, she recognized early that it was something she needed to distance herself from. It was hard, because the young man involved really wanted to keep the flirtation up, wanted to talk about it over lunch, etc. but she drew the line firmly. She never told her husband, I don't think she told anyone but me. She's enjoyed a wonderful marriage and just celebrated her 35th wedding anniversary. I think this happens to many, many people, you are not a bad person or a cheater - in fact you are very admirable as you are so doing the right thing by recognizing the situation early on and emotionally removing yourself from it. Good for you - and it was a good topic to bring up for others because I'm sure it's happening for other people, too!

If you aren't prepared to have a broken marriage, nor to break one, please stop all contact with him now. I've seen this situation before--it started out as purely innocent and ended up in a full-blown affair.

Well, either you tell him immediately that as much as you like him you need to keep it to a friendly co-worker status, and then start keeping some distance, or you tell your husband that you think you need some marriage counseling or a divorce or something because you are overwhelmingly attracted to another man. It's not cheating yet, but it will be if you continue and it's not okay to continue. If you want out of your marriage -get out of it first before you start playing around because it's incredibly bad for any children you have and completely unfair otherwise. Keep in mind though that he has a marriage too, so if you do get out of yours -only "go there" with other single men!

Sounds like you have a crush. You are married, not dead! But that doesn't mean you should act impulsively. If I were in your shoes, I would try to avoid this person at work. I would not give him any explanation or reason, I would just avoid situations where you are thrown together with him. Knock it off with the Christmas cards and treats. It's all a flirtation but could escalate easily. And to answer your question, no, it's not cheating YET. But ask yourself...could you tell your husband what's going on? Would he be upset? If so, the behavior needs to stop. I am not judging--in my 11 years of marriage, I too have met men I found attractive. But the difference between being single and being married is that when you're married, you DON'T pursue flirtations-- rather, you accept them, hopefully avoid them, and move on. Good luck!

I understand this and unless you've been in the situation you are in, no one can know how this feels. It's hard when things are bad at home for long periods at a time - when you give so much of yourself and get little or nothing in return. All I can say is, stay strong and do not give in. Just try to put yourself in the opposite shoes and think how you would feel. At first, it may seem fun or light-hearted, but I think you will find that this will become a burden that is too hard to bear. The "other man" will want all your attention and you will start to feel exhausted and pulled in several different directions. In the end, it will not be worth it. Turn your heart fully back to your husband and try to get some counseling if you have not done so already. If time goes by and things do not change, then steps might be made to make changes in your life and in the end you will feel better for having done things the right way and not have to carry the burden of guilt all on your shoulders for having an affair. *hugs*

Sounds like you need to put the brakes on and make sure your co-worker knows that you were just being flirty but are married.

You are having an emotional affair and you need to end it TODAY! You and your husband need to get counseling and rediscover your love for each other. You also need to post for a new position at work or look for a new job. You're not only ruining your own marriage but your co-workers also.

It sounds like you both have crushes on one another.

First and foremost, stop the hugs and hand holding. Offices are HUGE places of gossip and doing these things publicly or when you think no one is watching is just grist for the mill. Believe me, someone is ALWAYS watching! Think security cameras. If people aren't talking at work, they soon will be.

If that doesn't curb your behavior, then I don't know what will.

I know you like this - who wouldn't? Male attention when we're not feeling our best is a fantastic ego boost! I've been in your situation and believe me, you don't want to cross that line into affair-land. Right now, you can gently say things like, "we'd better not, people are watching. I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea." And that's true, right? You do NOT want anyone to think you are having an affair.

So, still flirt, tell jokes (maybe ease up on the risqué ones) and smile, but be a bit more professional.

I'd say try to distance yourself emotionally from him, and try not to put yourself in any situations that require you and him to be alone somewhere, or you may fall in to the temptation. Also, personal gifts like Hershey Kisses and things like that are making him think you are interested in him, so you need to stop. You may not be a cheater, but he may be open to that idea and may help drag you along with his cheating. Maybe his marriage isn't working out and he's trying to find a new woman (you) before he leaves his wife, or maybe he just wants to have his cake and eat it, or bring you into his marriage. Believe it or not, there are plenty of swinging couples out there so he may not have any qualms about what he is doing, but you are detecting something is wrong due to the way he is looking at you and holding your hand, which is beyond the typical office friendship. I'd try to find some female friends at work, if what you need is companionship and someone who will listen to you, rather than pouring your heart out to a hot guy whose body language screams "I am wanting an affair."

You've gotten some good advice here and I'm going to follow suit and say: back off from this guy at work.
Consider how you would feel if your husband was getting gifts and hugs from another woman. I know that I'd be pretty devastated. It's natural to enjoy getting such postive attention from a good-looking guy. BUT you're married and to avoid anyone getting hurt it's best to back off.

If you have to go on a forum and ask, there is your answer. I am not judging you, at all. You reached out before it became something more and that is a very wise thing. Stop this, ASAP. You are giving emotion to this man, that should only be given to your husband. This is the beginning of an emotional affair. They very rarely stay that way. You need to be honest and tell this man both of your behavior is wrong and has to stop. If he does not stop, you need to report sexual harassment. Change departments. Find a new job. Get AWAY from this. You can't continue this, it will only result in destruction.

If your husband was doing this how would you feel??

To me it almost sounds like an emotional affair... which IMO is worse than a sexual affair. I agree with everyone else run away from the situation.... Think of a women doing this to your husband, wouldn't feel very good to find out, right? Take your hubby on a date, and reconnect with him! Good Luck!!

Dear D.

I totally understand how easy it is to fall for someone/anyone but the person you are married to, be it emotionally or physically. But I would say to just back off...obviously you crave the attention, maybe you need to let your husband know you would like a date night, or something...And a side note on the office romeo...he has probably done this before...based on your question he moves in stages, and those are obvious signs of a cheater...sorry but speaking from experience, find something else to occupy your mind and time....best of luck and if I can help, please feel free to email me.

You have accidentally started having an "emotional" affair. If it had stayed at joking, it would have been joking, but physical contact is bumping it up another level. You mentioned that things at home haven't been good. The joking was an escape that made you feel good - probably like you USED to feel at home. The key thing is, HOME is where your heart is, and it's also where all the struggles, responsibilities of a long term relationship are. You need to back off the thing at work, and work on the thing at home to get the fun back THERE.

It'll be a much smaller hurt at work. Just pull back. Nothing happened that has destroyed anything. Stop the hugs, reduce contact, be polite. He may have realized it as well. Also, with the holidays over, the excuses for gifts, hugs, etc. will go away. Good luck!

Just read your "what happened" - GOOD FOR YOU! HUGS!

I am glad you decided to stop spending time with this man. My husband had a friend at work like yours, and one night after too many drinks they had sex. I am not sure what hurt worse, finding out about the emotional affair he had been having for months, or the fact that it lead to sex in the end. You really can feel it when your heart breaks.

since you ask its no longer just fun. clearly there is some sort of disconnect between you and your spouse or this would not be an issue. ALL marriages have their ups and downs and its possible you are in a down period and loving this new attention. It seems to me the other guy is on the same boat. either way you two are on the path to doing something that is not going to help your marriage. You basically have two choices. Get some help and fix your marriage and let this guy know that, or end up in an affair and possibly ruin both your marriages. Only you can make taht choice. .good luck!

If you feel guilty enough to pose the question here...Well, then, I think you have your answer.

Another way to get your answer is this....Would you talk the same way, give the card, and exchange hugs the same way if HIS wife or YOUR husband were in the room? I suspect the answer is no and that means that you; on some level, believe what you are doing is wrong.

If your marriage is not what it should be, take care of that problem first. Don't seek to dodge it or resolve it by getting the affection you need elsewhere. And BTW -- Certainly not at work. That is a bad idea all around -- Married or not. It is a place of business -- Not a bar.

You're right, D.. Somebody is going to get hurt, and not just you.

It's fun, and the attention you're getting feels nice, but it's flirting. That's an old-fashioned word, but it's in the dictionary. Flirting is amorous behavior without serious intent.

The trouble with flirting is that it doesn't seem non-serious to BOTH parties, because the very point of the game is to raise emotions.

You need to think some things through in your own mind. You may have this fellow really interested in you sexually - and why shouldn't he be interested, when you're buying him presents, hugging him (and accepting his hugs), and giving him all this special attention? YOU may be interested in him romantically - are you?

Are you playing a game, but he doesn't know it's just a game? Or is he playing a game, and you're sending him the return message that you're a married woman who doesn't mind a little playing around on the side?

These are uncomfortable questions, but well worth asking yourself - and answering.

It's just not a good way to escape problems at home, and somehow I don't think you would like (or do like?) your husband playing this game at his place of work.

Yes, this is an emotional affair and can and will turn into a physical one as it is already physically progressing just as dating any new man would be. You need to look inwardly and fix your marriage and STOP the flirting and behavior. Isn't is crazy how easy and innocent these things can start?

You need to distance yourself from this guy, if he persists, tell him, sorry it was fun, but we both have families and I made a vow to be honest and true and will stick.

Don't invest in another man, it's going to have it's ups and downs too and will ruin 2 families. Instead, invest in the man you already have. Every marriage has it's problems and can get boring... but every marriage also has potential to become something amazing again if you take the time to energize it.

Ok so, I have kind of been on both sides of this. I actually ended up divorced over it....here's the thing. IMO it's the intentions that matter. So you may not be physically cheating but if your spending your time thinking about him or lingering around for hugs or whatever you have now chosen to spend your time and thoughts on another man and the problem is alot of times things like this happen when things arn't great at home because that person fills a void that isn't being filled at home. The best advise I can give is evem if your not 100% in it put all your time thoughts and effort into your marriage. I however have also been in your spot wehre it's innocent enough and it's flirty or whatever but the guy all of a sudden turned very seriouse and wasn't taking no as an option. You back yourself into a corner and I can honestly say my intentions wern't flirty or bad he was just a good friend but now I can see what a bad idea it was just because of wehre it can lead so fast. He isn't worth it. No matter how it feels. Obviously somthing is missing at home with him as well that he's seeking you out ya know? So he's probably not mr. perfect husband either. THis sounds so stupid but if you have to, focus on his faults. Find things wrong with him and distance yourself. You want no part of what comes with that. I think it's hard to think past the here and now and realize 5 montsh from now a few hugs isn't going to cut it for either of you so if for no other reason stop because of where it is inevetably end up. No judgment. somtimes things happen even though I think it's definitly wrong you have time to right it. My hubby had taken it waaaaaaaaay to far but it started exactly as yours is and ended up with emails talking about how in love they were. They never slept together or even got very physical but it was a bigger blow that he would have an emotional affair with this women instead of spnding his time and effort on me and his unborn child. Try thinking of it that way to.

This sounds like a flirtation that is rapidly approaching "affair" status. If you think you want to be with someone other than your husband I hope you do the upstanding thing and divorce him (or at the very least separate) before pursuing another relationship. If I were you I wouldn't expect that other relationship to be with this huggy coworker. He probably has no intention of leaving his marriage and, since you are fully aware that he is already in a relationship, you wouldn't want to pursue one with him, right? But, if you both separate from your respective partners and want to give it a go, by all means, do so but know that the warm fuzzy feeling he gives you might change drastically when it isn't just a flirtatious thing and there you will be all alone and feeling like poo. Finally, if you were to tell your husband about this behavior would HE think it was cheating? His answer to your question is really all you need.

I think while you've not actually DONE anything with him yet....you are emotionally connected to him and that is a form of "cheating". Men connect more on a physical level when they cheat...but women connect on an emotional level when they cheat. And you sound very emotionally connected with him (where he sounds more physically connected with you). I've been in your position....where I felt unhappy and no longer connected emotionally to my hubby and I swear...it seems like some men just seem to have a radar for ladies like us. I had one of those "emotional connections" at work too. He may also be feeling unhappy in his marriage and you are the same kind of outlet for him. But it will end badly no matter how you spin it. My hubby could tell something was up but could never really put his finger on what it was. I was honest with him and told him all the details of my "relationship" (flirting, long talks, emails, texts) with the guy. I also told him that if things between us didn't change, I felt that our relationship was in grave danger because I had a gut feeling that I was headed in the "actual cheating" direction. Believe me...it was a HARD conversation to have. But I still loved my husband and felt I owed him the truth. To be honest...it was the most important conversation we've ever had and it made us both face the reality that we had a LOT of work to do to get back to what we were. Now, you may have to really think about whether or not to be that honest with your hubby. I know mine enough to know that, while he was gonna be very hurt and angry, he could handle that truth and we could move on from there and work it out. But regardless, you will need to decide for yourself FIRST that you want to end this "relationship" with your coworker. You need to decide that first and go from there. But make sure you decide with your head and not your heart!

Also, as many people pointed out.....the others at work KNOW! I thought I was also be very discreet and that no one knew....but they all figured it out. Including, my hubby. Believe me when I say that he knows that "something" is going on.

Your so dead wrong in what your doing!!! How dare you??? Back off lady he is married and so are you, do not be a homewrecker. What this man will do with you he will do to you. If you were to pursue a relationship with him in 4 years you'll be writing a post about how you just found out you've been cheated on. Work on your own marriage and get that flirty feeling back with your own husband not someone else's. After all do you really want to be someones sloppy seconds??

D.:

You are going to be the one who gets hurt!!

STOP THIS BEHAVIOR RIGHT NOW!!! You need to focus this energy you are putting into T on your husband.

marriage isn't a fairy tale - I know we'd all like it to be. However, it's not. You are playing a VERY dangerous game.

You need to STOP now. No hand-holding. No goo-goo eyes. Those you need to give to your husband. Ask yourself this question - are you better off with or without him? If your answer is WITH - then focus all this energy and passion you are feeling towards your HUSBAND. If the answer is WITHOUT - then LEAVE.

However, i will stipulate this - NEVER leave a marriage with unfinished business. You WILL carry it with you onto the next one - trust me - if you cannot learn how to effectively communicate with your husband - while right now everything is great with T - I can assure you - that once you take things to the next level with T - you WILL have the same issues.

Go back to WHY you first fell in love with your husband. Start RECONNECTING with him. Your husband can make you feel like a teenager in HS again - but YOU have to give it too.

A marriage is like a garden - it needs to be tended daily....if not - weeds grow!!

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Life is about choices and you are choosing to be flirty with this co-worker. You have no one to blame but your self and taking ownership is a good quality and I believe you see that now. The grass is not always greener on the otherside. Best wishes!

I agree with Julie R. No you're not a bad person or a cheater regardless of what anyone says. What you're going through is something everyone in some shape or form goes though at times. It's called temptation. The positive thing is that you've recognized it now before things got out of hand and can fix it by becoming more distant and focusing on things otherthan T. If he doesn't get the hint then you might have to let him know, you're both married and you don't think it's right. If you're serious about not hurting anyone that's how it has to be or you're right someone will.
Good luck to you hun. Hope I helped :)

you are starting an emotional relationship with another man and you need to decide what you are ok with and what will or will not destroy your family. If I were you I would remember what you husband did or does to get you going like that and remind him of those things and ask him what you do or did as well and get back to that.

Hi D. D.,

Don't beat yourself up, and don't let others' comments make you feel bad (not talking about anyone specifically as I haven't even read the replies). I was in a similar situation--in a really bad marriage--and I know how you feel. I ended up divorced, but I did NOT pursue a work romance and am so glad I didn't. It's bad enough having personal stuff going on without compromising your career too. Whatever happens, I wish you the best and just wanted to tell you not to feel bad. You are only human after all : )

I hope things are going better for you...If you are still having a hard time, there is a book I read...the 5 languages of love...it may help your marriage. The problem could be that you are not being loved by your husband in a way that you need/respond tto and that is why you were more open to getting the attention from someone else. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone falls short. One bad thing is not neccessarily better or worse than another. Don't feel badly about the rude comments. I'm sure most of those people wouldn't want their deep dark secrets revealed either. I do commend you for asking for opinions and help...that is a very hard thing to do...good luck!!