Im Stuck Need Outside Advice with No Harsh Answers

It's not love it's lust. I'm not saying you should stay in an unhappy relationship (and what a weird relationship it sounds like, a fiance for 13 years, who does that?) but you don't run away like a teenager when you have a family to think about.
Get some therapy, and do it for a while, before you make ANY long term decisions.

you may not be able to help with whom you fall in love.

you can always help whether or not to be honest.
khairete
S.

The grass is always greener with the other person has zero responsibilities, has only met you twice, and lives 2 hrs away so he really doesn't know you other than what you tell each other. Its easy to fall in love that way because there aren't the normal day to day struggles and issues that couple deal with every single day.

At this point you've been with the father of your children for 13 yrs and never married. If you are that unhappy then you need to exit this relationship AND the one with the guy 2 hrs away so that you can build a stable life with your children as a single mom and figure out visitation/shared custody with their father. Go to court to get this done because a verbal agreement could turn bad at any point.

DO NOT CONTINUE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS MAN WHILE YOU START YOUR NEW LIFE. Make sure he understand that you still have feelings but for right now you need to work on you. Once things settle down and you have your footing and the kids are doing well then start up again with this man if he's still around. Believe me you don't want to have this man while your relationship is breaking up. He will always be viewed as the guy who screwed up your 13 yr relationship and to mention that if in reality he can't handle your children and decides once he sees more of you that you aren't the one then that's another break up your family will have to go through.

Well, I think you have some personal issues you need to work on. If you think a man will solve those for you, I think you're wrong. I'm speaking from knowing good friends who have been in your shoes. Meeting a man, leaving their husbands/boyfriends and starting fresh didn't solve their problems. It just complicated everything.

Personally - I don't think you should ever end a relationship because of another person. I think that's totally disrespectful to everyone - including yourself. You'll have to look back at that your whole life. It's also disrespectful to his family.

Diane D is totally right. Grass is always greener. You're in the flirting woo'ing stage. Of course he seems all that. Your guy did too 13 years ago.

I think you should see a counsellor for a few sessions. If you're this unhappy but not motivated enough to look after yourself, there's a bigger issue.

Best to you.

Stay with your fiance/father of your kids.
Don't throw the life you have away - you won't be able to get it back again.

Your concept of love doesn't bring you happiness.
This is the main reason I tell you to quit it with that 2 hour away guy.
Going with him will not make you happy in the long run.
And if he's willing to cheat WITH you - he's willing to cheat ON you.
He's no prize worth throwing your life away.

I think you are afraid of commitment.
Why are you engaged for 13 years and not actually married?.
It doesn't take much effort to see your local justice of the peace, tie the knot and make it official.
You are thinking the grass is greener somewhere else.
Well it isn't.

You need to grow up.
If your head and your heart are frequently not in on the same page then it's worth it for you to see a therapist to figure out why that is and get that fixed.
You 'know in your heart you can't let' this other guy go?
Tell your heart to shut up already.

In the mean time I feel sorry for your kids and the man you are living with.
They deserve to have you fully engaged in their lives and not looking for fantasy 'love' online.

Two issues here.

First, your relationship with your fiancé. You say its like roommates and you believe you fell out of love. So what have you done to fall back in love with your fiancé? You owe it to him and your children to work on this relationship first. Have you been to couples therapy? Or did you go straight to cheating? Because make no mistake, you are cheating.

Second, this online love. Is just that, online. You have only meet this person twice and been online the rest of the time. Is he married? Not that it matter because in all sense you ARE. This is naughty, teenage craziness. I don't believe this is real. This is a fantasy. You have build up with "life" but believe me, he still has to put the toilet seat down and pick up his socks.

If your relationship with your fiancé is over then END IT. But not for this guy because I guarantee you he won't be around for long. You have a lot at stake. I suggest you talking to a therapist and try to figure out what is missing. Oh, END IT with internet boy.

Sounds to me like you have FOMO (fear of missing out), and that is why suddenly, this man has turned your life upside down. If things were so bad with your fiancé, why did you stay together for 13 years? Sounds to me like this is just a new infatuation, and a case of the grass being greener on the other side. How can you love a man you met twice? Really? More like you love the way he makes you feel, whether you have had sex or not I do not know, but you like the giddy feeling of someone liking you and wanting to be together, like teens going behind mommy's back to make out.

As others have mentioned, this is a bad idea. The fact you met him and did so behind your fiancé's back is wrong. How do you think he would feel about this? Now think if he had done this to you. Would you accept your fiancé meeting up with other women and saying he loves them? Please, stop seeing men as knights in shining armor that come to rescue you from a "loveless" relationship. If you had been so miserable, you would have left before this other man came along. Stop seeing him as the answer to your problems. If he has any standards, he would not date a woman in a long-term relationship or marriage, and he does, that is a red flag that he doesn't respect you or the concept of a relationship.

Do not be surprised if he has other sweeties just like you, married women that need some extra attention and loving on the side, considering he has no issue with you cheating on your fiancé and the fact you're sleeping and living with someone else. If he has no problem being with you while you're with someone, he has no problem EVER doing this. I would be wary of even dating someone like you, because if you're willing to cheat WITH me, you're willing to cheat ON me. Besides, meeting someone, hell, even dating for 3 months is NOTHING like living with someone and co-parenting. You haven't even considered that or given it a try to decide that you two are compatible and would make for a great long-term couple.

All relationships after some while lose the spark. Having sex daily becomes having sex once a week, and maybe, twice a month eventually. It is up to you to tell your fiancé that you're not happy and what you can do to change that. You need to enter couple's counseling NOW before you throw away a good relationship for something risky that may not be worth it and you'll end up regretting. Maybe your fiancé needs to add some spark and excitement in your relationship, give him the chance to fix things. After all, he IS a good man and the father of your kids. For all you know, that man you mention does not have a stable job. Maybe he has a drinking problem and starts beating you after getting drunk. Maybe he is a womanizer, like I said, and will come home late and smelling of perfume and with lipstick all over his body. Right now, he is having his cake and eating it. You're some other man's problem and financial responsibility, as are your kids, and it's very fun to just see you for some chit chat, some intimacy and that is it, without dealing with kids or bills, or chores.

I am just telling you to think it over very, very well, because a co-worker of mine left a good man who was with her for 23 years, raised her child and adopted her, all for a high school boyfriend who came looking around for her on Facebook. She broke up a stable relationship, moved to another state, and as soon as she moved in, she saw the man had girlfriends all over the place, did not have any income, spent his days in a drunken stupor and falling asleep on park benches, and manipulated her by making her think she was too fat for anyone else to want her. He also sold drugs. The fact he was retired made her think he would be at home watching TV, reading, or being a decent guy. Wrong. It was sad to see a woman almost in her 50s acting so immaturely and eventually needing to move her mother to FL as well, so her mother could support her financially by allowing her to live with her. A 50-year-old woman living off the savings of an 80-something woman, and having nothing to show for it. You are playing with fire, and you will get burned.

You're right. You're headed for a breakdown. Oh, not your own. The breakdown of your children's security and stability, the breakdown of your family, the breakdown of the relationship with the father of your children.

So the next break must be the complete cut-off of this "relationship" with this other man. You've met him in person twice? You've communicated online for barely over half a year? And you've told him you love him?

Ok, think about if you were writing this about 5 years in the future, about your older child. Say you discovered your child had met another pre-teen or teen or adult online, and was "in love" and was planning to go away with this person, perhaps to flee in a car, or to get on a bus and meet in a distant city. What would you tell your child? It happens, in this day and age. There have been a couple of stories in the news about very young teens running away with much older people, leaving their parents in shock and grief. You're not acting much more maturely.

Now tell yourself that advice that you would tell your child. Remove this other home-wrecker and family-destroyer from your online contacts and your phone. Don't even explain, other than to perhaps say something like "I will be focusing on my family. Don't contact me".

Then do something nice for your children's father. Show your children that love and family aren't all unicorns and rainbows. It's laundry, bills, cleaning the garage, grocery shopping, etc, but it's also saying something kind, bringing a cup of coffee, saying "thank you, I appreciate all you do". Put your eyes on your fiance, and on your children. Do not breakdown your children's stability for some phantom fantasy.

Maybe the "reason" you met him is so you can evaluate your priorities and learn to be a more stable partner and a mother whose children know that their home is secure.

You have a couple of problems and they should be separated so you can deal with each of them individually.

First of all, you're in a loveless or a troubled relationship. You feel like the love is gone - and maybe it is. Thirteen years and 2 kids, and you're settled into the boring and mundane part of life. But you aren't committed enough to get married - which is fine, if this isn't the guy for you. But you aren't dealing with it. You're drifting along, calling him your "fiancé" but unwilling to either get married or break up. So deal with that first. You are absolutely right that you don't stay with someone to make your kids happy. The best thing you can do for them is get your life straightened out. No matter whether you stay with their father or not, you have to co-parent with him at least until the kids are 18 and maybe beyond if there is college to deal with. So, get counseling.

Second problem: you met someone on line, and you're doing the young love/giddy/joyful love thing. That's a great feeling, Isn't it? But here's the thing: you don't know this person at all! You're both caught up in the lovey-dovey stuff with none of the commitment or work of a relationship! You've in the infatuation stage - it was fun and exciting and maybe just a little bit of that was because it's a secret. But it's based solely on attraction and maybe on your understandable need to be thought of as attractive and desirable and fascinating. That's important to feel - but it's not based on any depth. Maybe there's a future in this, and maybe there isn't.

You have 2 kids. They're yours no matter what. You need to end the relationship with their father if that's your plan, and take very good care of them during the process. That means getting counseling, at least for you and probably for your fiancé, and possibly for the older child too (and at least you need to work on how to explain this to the little one). You need to get finances, insurance, assets, possessions and living arrangements in order.

When that is done - and ONLY when that is done - and after you have a good period of separation, then you can consider a new relationship. But first you have to find yourself and figure out who you are. You cannot give yourself to another person until you get her figured out! But you do not - absolutely DO NOT - introduce this person to your children!

Now, you have met someone and your entire "relationship" is on line or maybe at lunch or whatever. You have stated your love to someone who is willing to "fall in love" with someone on line. You have no idea if he has done this before or if he has other "relationships" like this going on at the same time. I'm not trying to say he's a bad person. I'm saying, you have no idea. And if neither one of you is being sensible, so that's a huge problem. And the fact that you both have talked about merging your families without even knowing if there's a future to this relationship says that you are both dreamers and not practical people. You two don't even know if you can stand the way the other chews or laughs too loud at movies, let alone whether you are compatible.

Please get rid of the idea that you "met for a reason" - that's a dodge, to put the decisions about a relationship on "the universe" or on "fate" rather than squarely in the hands of the two people responsible for running it.

Look, my husband and I were attracted to each other after months of being office colleagues. We met for lunch and discussed our attraction. So I'm judging you for meeting up with someone - I did it too. I was single but healing from a not-well-handled break-up many months back, and he was still married although very unhappily (she was out all night while he was home with the 2 kids). So, what we did was, he talked to her about separating, and he moved out. He got counseling (he had been doing it all along anyway, but he focused on the separation and what the kids needed). After he was single (although the divorce took a while to be final), we started dating. We did not sleep together or talk about long range plans. We got to know each other first - and in person, not on line! I did not meet his children for a very long time. We didn't say we loved each other, and he didn't use me as a soft place to fall. He saw himself, and his children saw him, as a single man long before they saw him in a relationship with another woman. We are happily married for over 30 years - probably because we did this right.

So, your infatuation with this man has highlighted the many shortcomings in your relationship with your fiancé. That's a good thing, as long as you use it for constructive analysis (with professional help) of your family life. But you have to put your children ahead of this man, and you have to successfully end the current relationship before you put yourself into a new relationship. Just because the spark is gone from your relationship doesn't mean that you just "change the batteries" and everything is recharged! If you cannot see yourself as a single, independent, strong woman, then you are not ready to get into a relationship with another man. The way you are doing it has "disaster" written all over it.

So, call a counselor, talk this through, and then figure out what you're going to say to your fiancé, either alone or in couples counseling. And put the other man on ice for the moment, telling him you have to get your ducks in a row on the home front no matter how exhilarating you find the "forbidden love." If there's a future here, he will work on his situation with a counselor to talk about integrating any possible new people into his children's lives, while you talk about it on your end.

But you cannot leave one man for another, or you will have 2 failed relationships on your resume.

Is the man you are in love with is aware of your home-life with your children and their father? If he is, I don't care how physically attractive he is, he has NO character to carry on this flirtation and entertaining planning a future with you. He doesn't have the decency to seek out legitimately single women? Maybe he thinks of your relationship as a fun game, or challenge. Ask yourself, has he given one single second of thought as to what kind of hell your children will go through if you dismantle your household? Sorry, no. Your kids well-being will NEVER be a priority for him. Let that sink in a good long while. He is not a gem. Please ask yourself, why did YOU pursue an on-line relationship in the first place? Happily-coupled people do not do that. I'm not judging you for being unhappy with your kids' father. Good people have relationship problems. You should end it with the man you've met twice. Tell him you need to focus on your own household and make some decisions for yourself, distraction-free. Then decide if you want to try counseling or separate with the father of your kids and have that difficult conversation you've been avoiding. If you end up leaving him, commit yourself to staying single and focusing on your kids. You need to find happiness on your own first before you can enter into a successful relationship. You can find your happiness but there aren't any short cuts.

What you need is a dose of reality.

You're NOT a "good' person if you are cheating. And you ARE cheating. You are carrying on with another person and keeping it a secret.

I can GUARANTEE YOU the grass is NOT greener. I was in your shoes. I was married. It was boring. I went to a bar one night with my girlfriends and met his guy who just "wowed' me. My girlfriends said: S. - Slow down. You've got to stop this. I didn't listen. I met him secretly for a good six months. We had one child at the time. I snuck out any chance I got. I got my ya-ya's out. My husband? He was paying attention. One day he stopped me before I went out and asked me if it was worth it. I acted dumb. Didn't know what he was talking about. I left...I met the guy...and the thrill was gone. It was just a fling.

I went home. Confessed to my husband. He cried. I cried. We went to marriage counseling. It was tough. He had "let himself go" in my opinion. I was working and taking care of a child and didn't seem to get anything from him...I was. I just couldn't see it. Now? We've been married 40 years. Our kids are adults. Our oldest doesn't remember the incident (thank God).

It wasn't an instant fix. We learned marriage is a full time job and you have to work it. You can't just be there. You MUST participate.

You've been engaged for 13 years. He's not going to marry you. Why should he? I'm sure others have asked you that question too. You need to stop. Now. You need to either end your engagement or commit to a date and get married. But do NOT get married until you have BOTH gone to counseling and can communicate with each other. Either way? This guy is going to be in your life forever because you have kids together. You have to learn how to co-parent and communicate or your kids will suffer. Your kids need to be first. You're not putting them first right now. You're putting this guy who is chasing after an unavailable woman.

Don't be the cheater. Learn from my lesson. While MY relationship and marriage survived. Many don't.

You will be judged because it was wrong to not end one relationship before seeking out another, and you know this. That said, what you have to do now is be honest with your Fiancé, he deserves better. Have you talked to your new guy about moving closer, or are you planning to drive the kids two hours to school every day? Usually these days 50/50 custody is the norm because we have finally started to realize that both parents are important and should have equal rights. Or do you plan to give up custody so you can move? These are all questions you need to be thinking about. But first off you need to end things with your current guy and get all the legal stuff sorted before trying to start something with your side guy.

But there is one thing to also remember, the grass is not greener on the other side if you water your own lawn. If you throw away 13 years for someone you have know for less then a year without even trying to fix things just don't be surprised if things are not as great as you thought they would be. Someone new is always exciting until you start doing all those day to day things together like paying bills and raising children, then that shine wears off real quick.

Best of luck with your choices, but either way you have to be honest first and foremost, your current guy has a right to know what you have been doing behind his back.

There is nothing adult like in an adult not understanding that love is a choice. You have decided to no longer love the father of your children. You have decided to no longer love your financ'e. You have decided to meet with someone else, thinking that will fix your problems and make you happy. You have decided to not pursue your own happiness. Happiness is not puppy love for someone. It's something you create by making wise decisions about your life and its effect on those around you.

Stop the cheating and go see a therapist.

Your fiance of 13 years has met a woman. He talks to her all the time, behind your back. You stumble across a Facebook message where he tells her that he loves her and wants to leave you and create a life with her. He tells her he feels like your roommate. He meets her twice, hugs her...maybe even kisses her. He wants to be with her and leave you.
How does that feel? Do you wish that he would just tell you that instead of being a sneaky b!Tch? Does it feel unfaithful? Does it hurt?
Cuz that's what you are doing to him.
You don't want someone to judge. You want someone to tell you "Go! Live with him! Create a brady bunch type family! Don't worry about your kids...they'll get over it! You LOVE HIM!!!!"
Sorry...not gonna do it. You think about your kids and the family you have created. You WORK through your *almost* marriage. No one said it's easy. No one said it's constant rainbows and unicorns. You had kids with this man and have created a family. NOW..figure out how to REALLY be a good person.

As everyone else said, your first step has to be counseling, both for you and for the two of you (you and your fiance). You need to figure out why you weren't willing to move from engagement to marriage after all those years together and two children. I think you need to take a different perspective on your current relationship, and working with a counselor is the best way to do that. An example that your view is rather skewed now: the relationship was good enough three years ago for you to decide to have another child, right? Also, you've been doing the life-together thing for long enough that you should know that raising young children and working full time is draining. OF COURSE you feel like room-mates some times--you're both totally stretched. I think your perceptions are out of whack and you need an objective outsider who can help you figure out what's going on inside your head and what you two need to do to revitalize your relationship. Good luck with it.

The problem is why did you stay in a relationship for so long that was loveless?

And why is your mutual friend staying in a relationship that is loveless?

Why do you both feel it is ok to be dishonest with the primary person you are committed to?

Honesty is the foundation for any honest and real relationship. So far you both have failed.

The only thing you both have shown each other is that you don’t know how to communicate your needs to a significant other and that you abandon a commitment of 13 years for a quick fix.

Spend some time figuring out why your 13 year relationship couldn’t progress to marriage, what you need in a relationship and how to have an honest one.

How long has he been your fiance? 13 years? He isn't going to marry you.

I suggest you and he sit down and talk, find out how he feels. Ask him what he wants out of life and if there is anything worth saving.

Here's what I would do after having a talk with your kids father. Go, spend some time with this other guy, see how he lives, what sorts of people like being around him, you haven't even dated this guy nor do you have any idea how he is when he's not putting on his best behaviors to get you to like him. He could be a total jerk to people when you're not there to impress.

You are thinking about tossing your kids into a new relationship and dumping a guy that's stuck by your 13 years. Maybe he doesn't love you anymore either. Talk to him. Go spend a couple of weeks in this other guy's town and date him, meet his family, meet his friends, go to his work, get to know him before you dump the life you have for a fantasy.

I am going to be blunt.

Going out and being a cheater, yes, you are cheating on his, makes you out to be the bad guy. He's there, with you, with the kids, being faithful, working, doing his part, and you're out meeting another guy. By the way, people who cheat once will probably cheat again so if your other friend is in a relationship you can bet he'll cheat on you too.

My advise is to follow your heart and tell your fiance how you feel. There is no need to stay in a unhappy situation. And please make sure you talk to him and just let him know what's going on also make sure the guy that you're in love with is the right one for you before moving on sometimes love can be blind pray about it and go from there. Good Luck

my cousin was dating a guy, she dated him so long everyone wondered if they were ever going to marry. then one day she looked at him and said " you need to poop or get off the pot" basically saying marry me or leave. i think you need to have the same conversation with your fiancee. tell him there is no love in the relationship and if he wants to fix that then you can work on it, but he may be feeling like you do, like its time to move on but not doing it for the kids sake. talk to him then decide whats best for the kids.

I've always felt that when we make our initial relationship choice, we usually are very careful and choosy. We choose that person for very good reasons and sometimes it is hard to remember what qualities drew us in. We can take them for granted and they can take us for granted, as well. But, you can't help the way you are feeling. I wish you well in your decision.

Not at all trying to sound harsh, but the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

If you hadn't thought of leaving your fiance before you met this man, my guess is you're attracted to the newness, the excitement.
If you are unhappy in a relationship, you leave. You don't wait until a new "love" comes along. It's easy to see nothing but love and good times in a man you have never had a real relationship with. You have never been through life with this other person at all. Right now you see only the good points.
You have 13 years and kids with your fiancé. I am not saying stay with someone you are not in love with or happy with. But my advice would be to live on your own for awhile, make SURE this is what you want before you start a new relationship and in anyway involve your kids or his.
My in laws were married a long, long time. We started seeing some signs that they were unhappy. Then we find out about an on line affair that turned out similar to this. They started meeting, and feelings developed. They had known each other back in college.
Well when it came out of course both couples (the other was also married) split up. The couple who had started this affair, began "dating". Although my husband and his siblings were adults, it was beyond devastating. The romance did not last long, at all.
And both parties realized they were not compatible together at all, and destroyed marriages they wanted to save. But it was too late.
I'm telling you this because I have seen it happen with other couples in my life as well. This new relationship of yours could be just a bandaid for the unhappiness you feel right now. If it is meant to be with this person, you can break off your current relationship with class, leave your fiancé with dignity, and take some time for your self and especially your kids before you embark on a new relationship.

take it from someone who has played the part of your fiance in your situation, be honest with him, as soon as possible. if he feels the way you do, that you're just roommates and he's possibly fallen out of love, too, then maybe there is a way you two can part peacefully without too much damage. but he may be thinking that you two are just going through a rough patch and you will work through it (like i did). if you continue to lie and pursue a relationship with someone else behind his back, then i promise, it will end badly. so before this new relationship goes any further with this other person, you owe your fiance of 13 years the courtesy of the truth. then you both can decide together on how to best move further. you may be surprised to find that you still love each other and want to work things out. trust me, you are in the honeymoon phase of the other relationship (remember when you were in the same phase with your fiance?) and just like your current relationship, that phase won't last forever. especially once you have to deal with each other day in and day out, deal with each others' kids and the problems that come along with raising kids, the other baggage you each will be bringing to the relationship, etc. the grass always looks greener on the other side, but after a while, it usually has the same brown patches that the current grass has. it's up to you both to decide if you want to refreshen the old grass or completely replace it with the new grass. ps - for all of those assuming that the male fiance is the reason for the 13 year old engagement, don't jump to conclusions. there are plenty of woman who won't pull the trigger either and need to be the one to poop or get off the pot. again - i know this from my experience as the wronged party in this scenario.