Does He Have a Valid Reason to Be Upset?

ETA: After reading another response, I looked back at your old questions. You have been having the same issue for at least 18 months and really, as long as you've been with your fiance. You were prepared to end the relationship back then. This is never going to go away and you really, really need to think hard before marrying him. How can you fix this? Have you tried counseling? Are you going to be able to work through it? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life dealing with your fiance's harsh feelings toward your ex?

If your daughter has something at home that she wants to show her dad, she should be able to do so without your fiance getting bent out of shape. You are honoring his wishes in having your ex take the daughter out rather than hanging out at home, but that doesn't mean he should have to pick her up at the curb and never set foot inside the house (or the porch).

Your fiance needs to realize that your ex is going to be part of your life forever. everyone will be a lot happier if you can all be cordial and have a good relationship for the sake of your older daughter. It's unfair of your fiance to be upset about the daughter wanting to show her dad something in the house.

The boyfriend needs to go. You may have a child with him but you do not need to be engaged to or marry him. Whether or not you live with him he has no right to tell you who you may or may not have in your home. Your ex is your daughter's father, he will always be a part of your life. The ex will be there for all the milestones in your daughter's life and hopefully will visit and will take her to his home for overnights soon. As long as the relationship between your daughter and her dad is a healthy one encourage him to spend as much time as he can with her. Daughters need a healthy relationship with their dad. It helps them to learn what a healthy relationship really is all about.

Your fiance is going to have to accept the fact that you are going to have a relationship with your ex for the rest of your life. Not a romantic relationship, but a co-parenting relationship. The fact that you can co-parent your daughter with your ex and be friendly and respectful (including not limiting his ability to visit with her) is a really good thing. As long as he is also respectful of your fiance (that is, your ex isn't openly rude to him or anything like that).

If your fiance can't fully embrace your that you will ALWAYS have a parenting relationship with your ex, I'm not sure he should be a fiance.

I will only share that when my (now) ex and I were newly divorced, he wanted to 'do' things when he visited as a family. Now granted, there were 7 kiddos, and one was /is medically fragile. To me...it was sending a mixed message to my kiddos. I felt HE needed to establish a relationship with them ON HIS OWN TURF so to speak.

Having said that though...I do worry a bit about your fiance...and possible control issues. This man (your ex) will always be their father. These are murky waters, and worthy of some counseling IMO.

best

I am sorry for you. Your fiancé/boyfriend is the one with the problem.

As a child of divorce I will tell you, you are doing this the right way. You will always be her mom, her father will always be her father. The 2 of you being able to get along, feel comfortable around each other is incredibly important to your daughter. It is a gift you are giving her. your treatment and respect for each other is amazing, do not allow ANYONE to change this. It is not about your boyfriend. This relationship is about your daughter. He needs to accept your history and life.

If he really has a problem with this, do not marry him until you 2 go to counseling and come to an understanding.

This has flashing warning lights all over it.

K. - Merry Christmas...

Sorry - but you want to marry a man who is a HOT HEAD already? he WILL NOT CHANGE....

He's bent out of shape over nothing. Sorry - but it's YOUR home. NOT his. You are TRYING to be friendly with your ex-husband as you STILL must co-parent together.

What would I do? I would break off the engagement with my fiance and tell him to get anger management classes. Set up custody arrangements and child support of the child you have together and cut him loose. PERIOD. I am sure that's NOT what you want to hear - but really - if he ALREADY is a hot head (your words)....and upset over your ex-husband being in YOUR home and being with HIS child...nope. homey won't play that game.

I hope you see the light...look at other posts on here from other women whose boyfriends had tempers BEFORE they got married.....please...you deserve better than this!!

You and your ex are doing fine. It's the fiance that is over reacting. If this is his attitude, maybe you need to rethink marrying him. If he's going to try to control how and when your daughter sees her father before your even married, that's not a good sign.

Your fiance is a jerk. My ex-husband's new wife is like this. She doesn't like my ex to come in the house. When he isn't with her he does, but if she is in the car he texts for my daughter to come out. I find that very sad and pathetic. And it is a total jealousy thing. She must not be very confident in their relationship if stepping inside my house is at threat. Your fiance has some issues and sounds controlling. I would tell him where to stuff his rules.

You and your ex should do whatever it takes to make your daughter feel comfortable. Your fiance should grow a set.

Woah! There is NO reason for the fiance to ask you to keep your ex out of YOUR HOUSE other than that he is afraid you will fall back in bed with him. That is the ONLY reason. If he just thought he wasn't a good dad he would be complaining that he spends time with kids anywhere.

You should never have agreed to keep your ex out of your house where YOUR KIDS LIVE. Every ex I know with a good dynamic can go into each other's houses. I'm divorcing and my ex will always be able to come in if he needs to. Likewise anyone I date will be able to deal with their families however they want.

You need to re-evaluate why you would let Mr. Hothead dictate who comes in your house.

Have a meeting with him and say, "Hey, Honey, I realize I agreed with you that I should keep my ex out of the house, but realistically, it's not working out. He's the kid's dad, and sometimes he should come in to visit them where they live. There is nothing between my ex and I and if you can't allow this then maybe we need to go to counseling or something. Sorry I did not put my foot down on this in the beginning."

If he flips out or won't allow it you should never marry him just because he doesn't sound like an EX hothead, he sounds like a hothead.

Without having any additional information, your fiance sounds like a raging insecure jerk.
Red flag, and you should draw a VERY clear line with him before you get married.

Added: Read your SWH addition. So the fiance is in your life for good too because you have a child together. Still, please get premarital counseling. Even though you already have a kid together. Before you actually live together as a couple, please do counseling with him so he can learn to ramp back the judging and the suspicions. I note too that he "showed up unannounced" when your ex was there; did fiance know it was ex's time for coming by to get your child? I bet he did, and "dropping in" was his way of checking up on you. He sounds insecure and I would be angry at him for essentially trying to see if he could catch you at something. Counseling, big-time.

Original post:
If your fiancé is like this and you're engaged -- imagine how demanding he will be when you are married.

Please think long and hard before you marry him. Get premarital counseling NOW that covers the topic of your ex and your relationship with him. Your fiancé may or may not be in your life forever, frankly, but your child will be -- and that means that your child's father also will be in your life. If your ex cannot accept that with maturity, and does not trust you even to look at a plant alongside your child and her father -- he may not be a person to have in your life. Sorry, but however much you and he love each other, he must be able to accept that you have an amicable relationship with your ex for your child's sake.

He frankly is NOT putting your child and her needs ahead of his own petty and immature jealousies. Do you want a new husband who puts himself ahead of your child? Because....with you, your child should come out first every time, ahead even of your new husband.

Premarital counseling. Now. Make it a condition of marrying him. His attitude is a huge red flag -- ignore it at your peril. Will he be this jealous once you're married? I bet he will. And will your child pick up on this and be confused and feel guilty and conflicted, torn between her dad and this new stepdad whom you want her to love? Yes, she will.

She needs to come first here and that means fiancé gets himself together and acts like a grown-up man or he takes a hike.

It's the fiance. I'd be having second thoughts about him at this point. You divorced the guy.

I have even gone and spent the night at my ex's so I wouldn't have to tell my mom I was in OKC for a couple of days. His wife suggested it...seriously.

I went in to their house while they were both at work and their dogs didn't like it...they had totally forgotten and left the dogs in the house that day. I ran into the bedroom off the living room and called my ex at work. He called his wife and she came to my rescue.

We still go to their home several times per year to have Christmas, Easter, and whenever we're in the greater OKC area. We always stop by.

He's been with this wife for over 30 years. I've been with my hubby over 20 but this one instance where I actually spent the night was within the first couple of years we were married.

Let's just face facts here. You have a child who has a father that is not this man's child. As long as that child lives you will have interaction with this ex husband.

If this fiance cannot handle it now while you're not married how much worse do you expect when you are "his" and he can order you around more and expect you do to more of what he says. It is going to put your daughter in the middle and make her miserable.

I suggest you have some family time with all the family. Ex, fiance, daughter, and you so that fiance can tell there is nothing at all between you and him.

The truth is that fiance is very insecure and by him telling you ex can't be in YOUR home it's only going to become worse when it's HIS home and he can order you to not allow him on the property.

Fiancé needs to get over himself and realize that the cordial, platonic, PARENTING relationship you have with your ex is the best thing for your kids.

Heck, my grandma's ex husband stayed her friend for years... Even after he remarried, he still came to Sunday dinner and all holidays. He was good friends with her current husband as well.

Just because you were once with someone in a romantic way, doesn't mean you CANT have a friendship without the sexual aspects.

ETA: My answer was based on the assumption that your ex was in good behavior, polite to you and your fiancé, and was spending his time there actively engaged with your kids...

If he is being touchy/feely with you, overstepping his bounds, going out of his way to visit when your fiancé is out of the house, etc.... Then you need to set clear lines with your ex.

I think it is normal for your fiancé to feel upset and jealous... But he needs to realize that your ex will be a part of your life at least until the younger child you share turns 18... Likely longer than that. If he can't accept that, then you need to seriously consider going to premarital counseling. If he is starting this behavior before you are even married, it would be a HUGE red flag to me as to what his behavior will be like once you are actually married. He needs to learn to cope with his feelings, and not make unreasonable demands.

Not hanging out at the house is a reasonable compromise... Not allowing him in at all is not.

Dump your bf.

You ex will be in your life the rest of your life because you share children together. This is if you like it or not. Whomever you choose to marry in the future MUST accept that.

I can't imagine a REAL man who would be upset over this. My goodness, you have an ex who cares for his children. That is wonderful for your children.

So many people divorce and the children are left with no father figure. It sounds like you and your ex are trying to maintain bonds with your children.

Your children should be your (and ex's) priority like it appears to be now. If bf can't deal with that, he should be out of the picture. BF should be SUPPORTIVE of your children's relationship with their father.

This is the second time I can recall that you are asking about your fiance's feelings and 'does he have a right'...

Here's what I have learned over the years, which some good guidance:
EVERYONE HAS A RIGHT TO THEIR FEELINGS. It is what we DO with those feelings that counts.

I think you both need to go to some couples/premarital counseling. Please believe me on this ---I walked the walk on this one, by the way-- my husband and I went to counseling for a few years BEFORE we got married because we wanted to be 100% certain we were going to have a healthy relationship. You have a lot of stuff to sort out with your guy, and frankly, it's NOT going to get any easier if you don't address it constructively. From this question and your last one, it seems that you feel his feelings should come AFTER your kid's feelings and even your exes feelings. I can tell you, even from this far away-- this doesn't bode well for a happy, harmonious future if you are both feeling the other is being unreasonable about some pretty HUGE aspects of the relationship. I won't list them here, but already, I'm seeing that you are placing your usual 'status quo' with your ex *before* your fiance's feelings. How is he supposed to feel like the man of the house if his kid is calling your ex "Papa" and he feels his (rather reasonable) requests are being ignored. (I'm not saying he's right, just reflecting his perspective...)

I'm not going to take sides on this-- you both need to figure out if you are committed enough to each other to do the hard work it takes to make a relationship strong. You both need to figure out what is TRULY reasonable-- not just in your unique relationship, but as human beings. If you don't get this ironed out now, you WILL have two exes, trust me on this. Or a very , very unhappy home in which you raise your children. Neither outcome is optimal-- you need to get some counseling together, right away. He may be controlling-- or he may feel ignored. We are only getting one side of the story here.

You need to keep getting along well with your ex because you will always be joined through your child. Your fiance needs to get over it. If he can't or won't, then he needs to be another Ex. Tell him that you'll afford him the same courtesy when he comes to visit his child as you do your other Ex.

Sounds like your fiancé has some trust issues (this would be a red flag for me). Your children only have one dad and I think its great that he spends time with them (think about how many children who never get to see their dads).

I think it is your fiancé that is setting a bad example by getting upset. To me that is very immature. If things were still great with you and your ex you wouldn't be divorced would you.

Also I am spending this Christmas with my hubby, our child, my step children and their mother (she is staying with her son and his girlfriend). Yes you read that correctly. My husband asked if he could invite her here to FL so that his daughter would be with us too on Christmas day.

Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the ones we love and trust them.

Your fiance' needs to grow up. You will have to have a cordial, working relationship with your ex-husband for many years.

If your fiance' cannot accept this now, then maybe he isn't the MAN he is supposed to be.

This kind of relationship has nothing to do with romance. You will need to be able to discuss school, medical issues, social issues, and much more about your daughter.

This cannot be done properly if he just takes your child somewhere.

Your daughter's father should always be welcomed in your (and your daughter's) home. If I was in your shoes, and my fiancé did not change his attitude, this would be a deal breaker for me. Your fiance's jealously is immature and not called for.

Why is your boyfriend so jealous? What is he suspecting? Will he discuss this more with you? Can you and he get some counseling about this issue? (Do you really want a jealous boyfriend in your life?)

I have the same response as Karen C. There seems to be a long history of controls issues and anger with your fiance. It is only getting worse as the months go by. Protect your children from his angry and jealous behavior as soon as possible. Thank goodness you still live on your own. Start establishing boundaries NOW. His control issues are too damaging to put up with any longer.

Your fiance is a real problem. I'm telling you flat out that if you marry this guy, you will regret it. I hope you go to counseling with him. I don't even know if it will help.

Your fiance is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG. You need to understand that.

Unless your fiance has a valid reason to be jealous then he is being petty and immature. Your ex should absolutely be welcome in your home, and the two of them should have at least a civil and pleasant relationship. If that isn't going to happen then why are you marrying him? Maybe that kind of life is good enough for you but is it good enough for your kids? One dad who has to sneak in and out and another who gets angry if his demands aren't met?
Sounds like a recipe for a very unhappy future for everyone :-(

Just read the other responses, and apparently I am the minority here. I still believe what I wrote.

Yes, I believe he does. Both my husband and myself are divorced with kids from the previous marriages. My husband would not want my kids dad hanging out at our house for any length of time, and I would not want his ex-wife to either. That is our house with the kids, they have their own they can spend their time with them there. Furthermore, I would not want my husband going over to his ex-wife's house hanging out there with the kids, and I am positive my husband would not want me hanging out at my ex's either. Their spouses would not like it either.

Just to be clear, we have a cordial relationship with his ex-wife and her husband. We help each other out, make exceptions, etc. all the time for each other. Our relationship with my ex and his wife is not that way, but we can still act civil for the sake of the kids. We just don't need to be at each others houses to do it. If you are engaged and about to be remarried, I think you need to end the in home visits as well. You need to respect your fiance's feelings. Your ex needs to visit your daughter somewhere else, his home, a park, an ice cream shop, etc.

Your ex is a part of your life. It's good that he can come to your house to visit with his daughters especially if they can not stay at his house as much as everyone would like. Imo your current ma. Is being childish about this. He is trying to control you and it's not okay

your fiance is unreasonable, and i find that attitude to be rather a large red flag.
khairete
S.

Yes.
No.
Either.
Aka..... Not enough information.

On a cold read... Assuming absolutely no bad history between you & you ex AND no bad history between your fiancé and you ex & that your fiancé does not live with you & that you have a long term history of friendship with your ex, & you never agreed for your ex to no longer visit.....then, yes. Total overreaction.

However... If ANY of the above is not true... Then he ABSOLUTELY has a right to be upset.

- If your ex treats you badly, and your fiancé is sick of condoning / encouraging it.
- If your ex & fiancé are fighting (animosity is super common with men, even though women are more known for the sneers and arched looks... Men do those kinds of sneaky snarky things, too...as well as out & out fighting).
- If your ex has only started staying longer as a control thing since getting engaged/this isn't the normal course of events (see above)
- If your fiancé lives with you
- if you've told him the visiting is over, but he shows up to find you lied to him

Then,.. Yah.
Totally has a right to be ticked off.

He sounds very insecure. When he marries you, he does need to accept your ex and your children. Can he do this? Are you going to allow him to dictate your life and who comes in the house? Think about what you want and then talk to him about your expectations. Then it is up to him whether he is able to meet them.

I think he is the one getting upset about nothing. Does he do this with other areas of life?

Unless your ex is there for hours on end every day, your fiance is out of line.

Your fiancé is jealous. He may have good reason to be jealous or not. Is there a reason your ex wants to be in your and your fiancé home and not his own? I am trying to be devil's advocate, so you can see another point of view. I read the post below and notice all think the fiancé is in the wrong.

I have seen over and over ex spouses using kids to be close to the ex. Why did you and ex end things? Maybe the fiancé gets the impression that is what your ex wants. Do you still have feelings for your daughter's father?

.... I think, your Fiance, is immature and possessive.
I don't see anything wrong, with your Ex, spending time with his children.
In fact I think it is NICE... that your Ex, is trying to spend quality moments, even if it is short, with your daughter. It is his daughter too.
And a kid, showing her Daddy her plant that she is taking care of (for him)... how cute. That is nice, that Daddy took TIME to look at it with her, instead of shooing her away and telling her "I don't have time to look at your plant, I have to leave...."
That plant, is a symbol of her Dad. And is a cute thing they do together. It is special to your daughter. Daddy lets her, care for it at home. For him. I can understand that.

Your Fiance, should not be a Fiance.
He should be a has been.
Sorry.
If he is acting like that now... he will only get worse about it, if you marry him.
And what is more important?: your daughter or him?

Your Ex, should NOT have to apologize. He is only apologizing to "you"... because it is causing a huge problem with your Fiance.
Your Fiance, is a jealous immature possessive territorial JERK.
And it will only get worse.
One day, your Fiance, will oust you, from your own daughter and what if, he even starts to say your daughter CANNOT visit her Dad??? And starts to display favoring... to your child with him?
Then, before you know it, the step-siblings... will start to hate each other maybe. And then you will have problems... between the your kids and their step-siblings.
JUST because, of your Fiance.
Your Fiance... obviously... does NOT feel, your daughter (with your Ex) is important in the big scheme of things.
Do you not see that?
Your Fiance... is laying down RULES, to you... that your own daughter cannot see you or her Dad... unless they are OUT OF THE HOUSE.
That.is.ridiculous.
Please see that.

I would not, be subservient, to your Fiances egotistical orders.
Your Ex, is being BEYOND, accommodating.
He just wants to get to see his child. But NOW... even your Ex, HAS TO and is forced... to limit, his visiting his own daughter. Because of, your Fiance.
Your Ex, is probably scared.... that your Fiance will one day, even start to say that your Ex cannot even, come around. AT all.
And your Fiance has ALREADY started to do that... by ordering you... to NOT allow your Ex and daughter to see each other, and only in limited terms. Made my your Fiance.
How wrong is that?
Do you see, that?
Now, your Fiance is barely talking to you.
Well too bad for him.
He is childish.
I would not marry him.
It will only get worse.
And you will be estranged from your own child.
By your Fiance.
Because, as you said: your Fiance "asked me some time ago to stop the visits at my house b/c he didn’t’ find it necessary for my ex-husband to stay and visit. Rather, ex-husband could take our daughter out somewhere and visit with her."
Geez, your Fiance is treating them both, like 2nd class citizens.
How, awful.
You don't have to, allow it.

And, it is YOUR home.
I would NOT let, your Fiance have access to your home.
He is a jerk.
And just know... that it will only get worse.
It already is, bad.
Your Fiance, is controlling your life. And you are even... letting this affect your daughter and her relationship with her Dad/your Ex.

And one day, I bet, your Fiance will kick out the plant too that your daughter has. Because, your Fiance is eradicating, everything, of your previous life.

And, your Fiance arguing about where your Ex was, in the house versus in the porch area... your Fiance is even making a big deal about it.
What next?
And its your house.
And your child.
And where your child, lives.

And the other thing is: HOW, are your going to explain, to your daughter, that her Daddy CANNOT come visit her anymore, at HER house?????
I really hope, you don't make this your Ex's fault and tell that to your daughter.
It is your Fiance's fault.
A grown man who is acting like a jerk.
How are you going to explain, to your children, that IF they want to spend time with Daddy, that they have to leave, their house?
And that their Daddy is not allowed to even come visit them, otherwise?
And that, your Fiance... now.... controls their life?

Your children are lucky, they have a Dad that cares to even come, and see them. My friend has an Ex, who does NOT even do that. Ever. Ever since they got divorced, her Ex does NOTHING for or with, their kids.
He rarely, even contacts them and can't even send them a Birthday card, by mail or personally. And he lives in the same city. Her Ex does NOTHING w/their kids, and the kids... are real in conflict about it. Not happy at all.

It sounds unreasonable to me. How long did your ex stay after the walk out to the porch?
If he did stay around for a while after she showed him the plant, then maybe you need to readdress this issue with your ex. If he left shortly after the plant visit, then the fiance is being totally unreasonable, in my opinion. Good grief, what's he expect? For you to send her out the door when ex pulls up and blows the horn or something? Sheesh.

I agree with your fiancé. There is no reason your ex needs to be hanging at your house. He can easily take your child to McD's to grab a cone or something. I would maybe revisit your parenting plan and make it more consistent with more time for him. An hour twice a week and then one day every weekend doesn't seem like a long enough stretch. Why can't he take her for a weekend? Then he will feel like he's had a good amount of "time" with her. I'm sure there is more to the story, but that would make it more consistent for your fiancé so he doesn't come over to any surprises. I hope you figure it out. Good luck.

I think this is way more complicated than just what you can give here on the site.

My husband and I were married for 8 years when we found out he had an older daughter. He was with her mom for a few one-night stands before we met and she never told him she was pregnant. Either that or she didn't know who the dad was, since she had another man thinking he was the dad until he passed away and they did a DNA test. Lovely. I'm not keen on the mother at all. I have a lot of issues with her. But part of those stem from my husband's past with me (cheating prior to marriage and I found out after). So we have our own issues in the trust department. So no, I don't like extended phone calls, or long visits to their home. I personally find it disrespectful to me. Not saying it's wrong, but I don't like it.

I think if your fiance has expressed concern to you over this and it continues, it is kind of disrespectful. HOWEVER, with that being said, how wonderful for your daughter to have her mom and dad getting along so well and to know that her dad is welcome in her home as well.

I think basically it's a very sticky situation. I wish you luck!

Why is your daughter taking care of your ex husband's plant at your house? Can't she care for the plant at your ex husband's house? Can't your ex husband take your daughter to his house (or apartment or wherever) for the visit? He obvious lives locally to you. With all of that said, including my inability to understand why your daughter is caring for your ex's plant at your house, it appears that your fiancé is being unreasonable.

I think answers will go both ways in that he does have a reason and he does not.. That said.. I don't think it's for someone else to address, clearly He thinks he has reason enough. Whether it's a valid reason is up to him and that is something he needs to address. I am guessing there is some insecurity on his part, otherwise, why would the visits bother him.... Maybe you can sit down with him and talk about matters.... This is definitely something that needs to be completely dealt with BEFORE you marry..

good luck

Jessica, I agree with you and your flower bearers. I do think it's not appropriate for your ex to spend time inside the house. Yep. The plant can go home with dad. Keep down drama. Your daughter and her father seem to have a great relationship. It won't end just because he stops coming inside.

How old is your older child? If she is very young, then it is still important for her to see her parents in the same setting, especially if you and her father get along well. It makes perfect sense to me that she should be able to show him her plant, even if it were all the way in her bedroom. I say this as a stepmother who urged my husband to draw certain boundaries with the ex and teach them to the kids. Quite frankly, I don't think that I would have married my husband if he had very young children. That age still needs certain things from both parents that I wouldn't have been willing to be around for, especially not with this particular ex. Unless there were very clear boundaries that we could ALL agree to.

If your ex has somewhere else to spend time with his daughter, then I think that he should, instead of being so comfortable in your home. That would be a clear and healthy boundary for all of you. Your fiance is being territorial and doesn't want another man--especially one who has known you sexually and shares a reminder of that "knowing"--to be so familiar with you or your home. Have you and your fiance been on and off? Maybe he doesn't get how the lustful feelings can ever truly go away. This really is something that should have been addressed and established before you had a baby with him. Before your second baby was born, your main responsibility was to make sure that the first one was healthy and in an optimum environment. This has now been interrupted (if she is still very young) by the validly selfish and territorial needs of your fiance. Now, it feels like blurred lines and confusion.

Then again, this is YOUR house, and he is not your husband. There is a reason that you have a child with this man and yet your own living space. If this arrangement works best for you and your daughter, then you might need to explain to him--before he becomes your husband--that this will be the temporary arrangement until your daughter reaches a certain point in her development. You all can deal with that fallout and the growing pains, etc., while you figure it out.