Fiancé Angry over ex-husband....again

Red flags, red flags, red flags flying all over the place.

I call my son by the dog's name and he doesn't pout or get upset.

Okay, he has issues because you have an ex. The ex will not go away. You have a child that has a dad and will always have to interact with him. He is not going to stop being upset about it. And you should not have to deal with this every time just because you accidentally call him something else or something else happens.

Good heavens, I am forever calling people by the wrong name, especially my daughter and husband.

You've been given fair warning by your fiance that he has a fragile ego. If you marry him, expect this to be only one of a long list of ways that you can "injure" or anger him. Huge red flag, my dear.

You didn't make a "huge" mistake, K., you made a very common, small, and meaningless slip that your intended then turned into a huge issue. You did not set out to distress the guy, yet he finds grounds in that to distress you. That's likely to get worse over time. I was married to a guy like that the first time around, and he routinely found reasons to blame and yell and call atrocious names. It was 13 years of escalating hell until I wised up and got out.

But it was a learning experience, and I did learn. Please feel free to take advantage of my experience.

If you ever read previous posts, you will see that most relationships FAIL if you get serious before 2 years, because of all the BAGGAGE that is not cleared out of the previous relationships. You are still with this guy after several months of complaining about his insecurities and problems with your ex. A post you wrote in June 2012, you were with "soon to be ex", so at that time you weren't even divorced. Then by 8 months later, you write about your "significant other" with a problem, then several months later in December 2013, you write about "fiancé" with a problem. Now again another problem with the fiancé and his insecurities.

How bad does it have to get before you figure out you are not with the right person. It won't get better with marriage, and diplomacy isn't your answer, that just means you are "walking on egg shells" to appease the jealous fiancé. Like others said, "RED FLAGS".

You asked for advice, I say "get out while you still can".

I am sorry you are going through this, but we often have to take responsibility for ourselves that we "allow" certain things to happen to us.

Why are you still dating this guy?

K.,

I'm seeing red flags here. He doesn't sound like a very understanding guy. I think you should seriously consider whether you should marry him. If your daughter is young, you will have many, many more years of dealing with your ex (and dealing with your future husband's insecurities about your ex).

I would handle it less than diplomatically. I would say the following: "Hey Joe, I've already apologized for this, so you need to get over it. He's my ex, and you're my current and future. So unless you also want to be my ex, then you need to stop feeling insecure about our relationship. And you need to accept that I'm going to have to speak to him and see him because of our shared child. If you can't handle it, then we should end this relationship".

Tell it like it is. You have a child to take care of. You don't need an adult acting like a child to complicate the situation.

I have to admit that I'm a little worried about you. You may love this guy, but he loves himself more than he loves you. There are red flags in your posts about him. His jealousy borders on becoming abusive. The next level up, which will happen after you marry him, is for him to accuse you of sleeping with your ex.

You really need to stop trying to be diplomatic. Throw down the gauntlet and tell him that if he doesn't stop with the jealousy, with the nastiness, with the arguments, you won't be marrying him. Tell him that it's time for you two to go to couple's counseling. If he won't, then dump him. Your children don't need this. THEY are most important.

You are going to have to continue to have a working relationship with your ex-husband, since the two of you have a child together.

Why complicate things with a fiance' that is so insecure about your previous relationship that he gets so upset when you accidentally call him by your ex-husband's name? You admit that he has a problem with your ex, simply because you had a relationship with that man.

Run, don't walk from this current relationship! It will only get worse! You will constantly be walking on eggshells trying to appease his fragile ego!

ETA: Your daughter's safety and security and ability to be with her daddy is the PRIMARY thing at stake here... not your new relationship with a new guy.....

You stop yourself from living any more if your life with a "man" who acts like a child. That's a character trait that's probably not going to change that dramatically.

EDIT: It is not drama and pain in our lives it is life and we have lived it. Some of us have literally lived and others have figuratively lived it through other family members. We are all telling you what you need to do and you just sit there and take it. Life is too short for all this over a man that is a child. Time to put on your big girl panties and move on. I hope you find them soon and let us know that you are by yourself and enjoying life. No man is worth that even if all he has is a great roll in the hay. Is that all there is? You have to be friends before lovers. Otherwise when the bloom falls off the flower there is nothing in common.
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I would leave. He is not going to change only get worse in actions. May be you should be by yourself for a bit to find out what you really want.

Having a man is not always what you need. You have a child and that child has to be considered in everything you do. Living with someone who acts this way is too much emotional turmoil.

Do as you wish but I would not want to deal with a 2 year old in an adult form.

the other S.

PS There are other fish in the sea keep looking.

Having step children is hard enough with all the drama before marriage. Do you want your child to be around this? Do you want peace in your home? I highly don't recommend putting yourself or your child through this. Marriage magnifies this problems so much more. Your #1 priority is your child!

Your finance needs to understand that this man is not just your ex, he is your co-parent. And just like I sometimes call one child by the other child's name, we sometimes slip up if we have just been talking to someone else. Honestly if your current man cannot learn to accept that your ex will always and forever be a part your life it may be time to move on.

I have one of these at home. Don't do it! He didn't talk to me for almost 3 days because I told him I didn't feel special since I didn't get enough foreplay. He just told me today that it hurt his feelings so much that he decided to give up altogether. But today he said it was better and he was sorry. Do you really want to live this way for the rest of your life? AND, you have to deal with an ex-husband already who you current fiance is so insecure about? Think long and hard about it because let me tell you, it is exhausting. I feel like I have 3 kids' emotions to watch and deal with all the time instead of just 2. The kids are easier.

How do you handle it?
Don't marry him.
He's being childish, you said so yourself.
And who wants a childish, angry, pouty, immature so called man for a husband?
You already have one ex, what's the rush to move on to the next?

This guy is insecure.
There is nothing you can do to make him secure.
Your choices are to live with his issue and knowingly accept that this is just the way he is.
Or you dump him and find a man who IS secure.
If you are already sick of it, marriage isn't going to make this any better.
Cut your losses now and move on.
You'll both be happier if you do.

Yeah, don't marry him. In fact, don't even stay with him. People don't change. He is who he is.

i think i'd pass on being diplomatic about it. you have an ex-husband, and a child with this ex-husband, he's part of your life and not going away. your fiance is being a big fat baby and i'd tell him in no uncertain terms to man up or consider his future as an ex-fiance.
khairete
S.
ETA i think all of us are sufficiently familiar with the 'red flag' euphemism to understand that it means 'slow down, caution, potential danger ahead.' the whole point of using the euphemism is to suggest that the situation NOT be minimized or dismissed.

The key word in your post is "again". You are writing another post about your fiancé. Aren't you tired of his nonsense? Your mistake was NOT that big a deal. I call everyone in my home a different name all day every day.

You really need to leave him already. Out of curiosity, how old are you?

I hope your wedding day isn't too near, because it looks like you have work to do on this relationship (probably mostly him, but in counseling it usually comes out that both parties have some room for improvement.)

ETA: You don't know how proud I am of you to hear you say that "you know you need to move on." Please minimize yourself the pain and drama and just do it. Life's too short to waste our years on people who aren't willing to be better than they are.

Premarital counselling. Don't marry this man without it.

There really ins't much you can do on your own because the solution requires your fiance to change inside.

I'm not saying you should just live with it. In fact, I'm going to tell you do not get married anytime soon. You love him, sure, but that doesn't make him marriage material.

The immaturity and pettiness you see now will only get worse if allowed to continue. If you want to try to work on it, and I assume you do, get into couples counseling. If he won't go or insists you're the one with the problem, then you know that you'll need to cut him loose even if it means breaking your own heart.

More evidence that this guy is just not good enough for you. Sorry to always be negative about your fiance but really, his behavior indicates that he is not the calm, loving, stable presence you want in your life. You made a simple and common mistake. That he's reacting so poorly to it just highlights how immature and insecure he is. I would not marry this guy - there's nothing more for you to handle.

This is your life for the rest of your life if you stay with him. Are you up for that? I sure wouldn't be. Get out now. That would be my advice.

I think it's time to lay down the law on how this will be handled going forward.
It is not your job to apologize for being married before. And it is not your job to apologize for maintaining a relationship with the father of your children.

If he can not grow up and handle these two things like and adult, he needs to find another woman to marry.

I honestly would refuse to even acknowledge these little temper tantrums of his, much less apologize.

If your fiance is so childish as to not accept your apology for something this benign (how many times do you call your children by the wrong name?) then I would not marry him. Not until you and he had done some serious work to get past it and been through premarital counseling. You say you are sick of him being a child when it comes to your ex. It may be simply that he cannot truly handle being a stepparent and being the second spouse when the first must be in the picture for the sake of the children. I have issues with my DH's ex. But those issues are about her and not him. If he called me her name on purpose to make an unfair behavioral comparison, that would be one thing. But to slip up? No. Not a big deal.

I think you did handle it...and he acted like a child. Do you want this to be the rest of your life? Calling him the wrong name in a conversation is not a "huge mistake". Your ex will be around in some way for the rest of your lives and there are events where it would be unreasonable to not attend (graduations, weddings, etc.) even if your ex is going to be there. Once in a lifetime things. Can your fiance truly handle having this man in his and your life...or not? And if not...then do you want that life where you are always trying to placate him while trying to coparent your kids? Who suffers then?

I say this as someone 10+ years from her wedding day. Stepparenting is not for the faint of heart. Please really think about this behavior before you say "I do".

My husband has called me his mother on two separate occasions. LOL I think that is worse! The ex is not going away, and neither is the child you two share together. If he can't get over something so insignificant, it might be something to consider in evaluating your future together.

I have done this too and I felt horrible but my now husband understood. One thing that your fiancé has to accept and realize is that you were once married and share your child with him. This does happen. You are not perfect. He knew this when he got involved with you, he shouldn't be mad. You have done all you can do which is apologize. hugs...

don't feel bad, happens to the best of us.

If he wants to be with you, that includes your ex. You and your ex will forever share a child (even when she is grown) and your fiance needs to decide if he is on board with the family dynamic. If not, time for you both to move on.

I understand his frustration. He's the one who should see the red flags that you will always have your first husband in the picture. He should move on to a woman without ex husband drama.