My Friend Is Having an Affair - What Is My Place?

I am friends with people who do some things I would never do, doesn't mean I agree with it or support their decisions.

However, I have one "friend" who is not married, but has no problem sleeping with other women's husbands. I have a HUGE problem with this and finally told her one day a few years ago. We talk occassionally, she invites us over to swim at her house acouple of times in the summer, and we are just friendly now. I moved into my house 4.5 years ago and she has never been. That's how not close we are anymore.

I would not be able to maintain the friendship. If she had made a one time mistake and felt bad and wanted to get help that would be one thing, but this sounds like an ongoing affair, which means she is continually lying to the man she pledges her love and life to. If she will lie and cheat on him, what is to keep her from lying to you about anything and everything? To me it speaks to her morals. I would also feel like I should tell her husband, I know I wish someone had seen fit to tell me.

I would not end the friendship because of the affair as long as it wasn't my husband or someone close that put me in an awkward position, but I would hold back because of no longer having much in common and not spending time together anymore. I don't think you need to tell her you don't want to be friends though. If it's going to end, it'll happen on it's own.

If her moral and character values do not mirror yours, and it sounds like they don't, then you will have a hard time being friends with her in the future.

It sounds like this relationship has served its purpose, lived its life and now it's time to move on...

If you continue with a friendship/relationship with her while she is still married and having the affair, in MY OPINION, you are telling her that you condone her behavior...this is tacit approval in my book.

You can tell her that you DO NOT approve and until she is either divorced or stopping her atrocious behavior, you cannot be her friend. If she can't handle that? that's HER problem. NOT YOURS!!

You need to stand up for what you believe in..even if it does go against what some people consider OKAY...

Continuing your friendship does not by proxy mean you condone her behavior.

I don't think I could be friends with someone who was having an affair mind you.

How is continuing the friendship saying that it's okay?
I have had some good friends that have made some poor decisions and bad choices over the years, but I never walked away from a real and true friend just because she did something I disapproved of. To me that just seems very harsh and shallow, and VERY judgemental. And I know my friends would be (and have been) there for me when I made mistakes or did something stupid.
Now, if she's not really a great friend, and there are other issues between you then that's something else. If you don't need her in your life and there's no love lost then move on.

I lost a close friend for a similar reason. My friend and I were both single, but she started an affair with a man who had supposedly been previously happily married for 17yrs. (I have my doubts that she was the first affair but whatever.) Still, she knew what she and he were doing and went headstrong into it. I didn't admire that decision, but I gave her space and tried not to judge. The thing is that when two people are having an affair, they often have to lie not only to their spouse but to a lot of other people. I started realizing that my friend was lying to me on a regular basis about things that should not have mattered at all, but she was creating all these lies to try to cover the affair. We could never make plans that I could rely on her to keep, and even talking about what was going on in our lives was just one life after another because she couldn't really say, "I've been holed up in my house getting it on with a married man whenever he can sneak away....the rest of the time I'm sitting by the phone waiting for when he can sneak away." So, she made up lies about being busy, being out of town, having work meetings, etc to not make plans or even if just trying to talk about the normal stuff of what we had going on in our lives.

In the end, we couldn't remain friends not so much because I judged her affair but because I don't want to be friends with someone that I couldn't trust to be truthful about even the most mundane things in life. My friend's lover left his wife for her, and they married as soon as the divorce was final. I've heard that she doesn't trust him out of her sight, and they seem to make each other miserable. I don't ask about her or encourage much information, as I don't really want to know. I miss the friend that I had but not the person she became.

Tell her you don't condone it. Let her know it's not ok. Tell her you expect her to come clean with her husband. If she does, then she's held up her end of the friendship by not putting you in an awkward place with her husband.

My BFF from elementary school/college had an affair shortly after she got married. I think she was married 2 years, then met the love of her life. She had an affair. She told me about it before she told her then husband. I told her she needed to come clean (I was friends with her husband as well) and that of course if she was not in love she shouldn't stay married.

She got divorced, married the other guy, and they have a beautiful 10 year old daughter now.

Perhaps there is more to the problem in their marriage than what you know. It's easy to judge an affair (especially when young children are involved). But I know see my friend made the best decision for her life. She and her second husband are SO MUCH better suited for each other than the first. Luckily they didn't have any kids...

I can understand how hurt and shocked you are about your friend and the possible end of her marriage. But I really think this is where the term "unconditional love" comes in to play. You can love and support your friend, but not her actions. Separate the person from the deeds, as it were (hate the sin, not the sinner).

If you can't be there for her without judgment or condemnation, then yes, you should step back from the friendship for awhile.

My best friend and I have very different values in life. She aborted her baby, I had my babies. Her dad ran a dog fighting and a cock fighting ring (she was okay with), I am TOTALLY against both. These are areas we DO NOT discuss. We have other things we have in common and can enjoy each other's company. True friends do not have the same values on everything, they see past their differences and focus on the common areas. If you don't have any common areas, then maybe it is best you drift away.

Have you taken the time to find out why she strayed in the first place? Do you know her well enough to judge the relationship she had/has with her husband? Cheating is NEVER okay, but there a multitude of reasons one may cheat (again not condoning)

There must be a reason you know about her situation. Either she needed a shoulder to lean on, she got scared, she trusted you as a friend to give her sound non-judgemental advice...there's a reason you have this information.

How can you say you are not a "priority in her life" if she thought enough of you to come to you with this? I know you see this as a burden and it is, but it also means she trusted you to help. My friend and I have went MONTHS without speaking because life is hectic (as I said I have kids she doesn't), but that didn't mean I didn't think of her all of the time.

She may have confided in you to hear herself out loud. To see what it sounded like when she said it and how she felt...IDK

If I cared about her as a person, before I gave up on her I would try to understand her story, her reasoning (if there is any), and see where she believes her decision is going and why she hasn't made a move yet. We don't always know what goes on behind closed doors!

Ugh... I have been there. One of my friends who was very wreckless w/ relationships married a guy after only dating a few months. Her mom paid for a very elaborate and expensive wedding. In a little less then a year she showed up at my work w/ a busted lip and rug burn on her face and back. He had beat her up, and apparently this wasn't the first time. Instead of leaving him, she started going out all the time and flirting w/ guys. She ended up cheating on her husband w/ a friend of mine who was a big teddy bear and always looking to protect a damsel in distress. I was against this because #1 she was married still and #2 I didnt want my friend getting in the middle of something so nasty. But she did file for divorce and ended up pregnant by my friend and then they got married.

Well the next thing you know she got "bored" and was out again acting single. She also tried to make me cover for her, and one time I called their house when she was supposed to be w/ me and I was unaware. I told my friend I had no idea where she was and that I wasn't getting involved. She ended up cheating on him too and marrying guy #3. Mind you this is in a span of 3-4 years. THREE marriages!

I am no longer friends w/ her. I strongly feel that if your marriage is not working, if you choose to not work on it the LEAST you can do is leave the other person and do not cheat. It speaks volumes about someones character that will sleep around on their spouse and especially feel no remorse about it. She WAS one of my best friends, but these events showed me I really didn't know her. If you cannot be loyal to your spouse, are you going to be loyal to a friend? I don't think so. This is your choice obviously, but it sounds like you know that this isn't someone you want as a friend. You can be cordial, but I'd keep her at an arms length. JMO

I do not think I could remain friends with someone who did something that I didn't approve of.

I think friends understand that humans sometimes make bad decisions.
I have friends who made poor life choices
I have made poor life choices
The difference is the people I call "true" friends are still here for me in spite of my poor choices. In fact, helped me through them. As I did for them, if needed.

Only you can decide if her actions outweigh your friendship. If they do, then you were acquaintances, not friends.

C'est La Vie

If you don't have much in common anymore, the friendship has run it's course and is finished.
People like this are just thoughtless.
I don't want to be in a position to keep secrets or lie.
And if I like her husband, not only do I feel sorry for the guy but he could probably do a lot better than to be stuck with a faithless wife and the poor kids are in the middle of it.
If she wants out of her marriage she owes it to him to make a clean break before jumping into another relationship.

I'm pretty damn sure I couldn't be friends with someone who would make that kind of decision. In my book, there is no gray area as far as adultery is concerned. Those poor kids... Being friends with her would send the message to her, her kids and her husband that you're OK with her decision, and you shouldn't be. No one should be.

I don't think that you are saying it's okay for her to be choosing this other man over her husband if you continue your friendship. What I DO think you should be doing is telling her that you don't want to talk about her affair or her situation right now. Tell her that it's painful for you and you just can't be her sounding board at this time.

If she wants your friendship, she will understand.

I have to say, that if it weren't for FB telling me it's someone's birthday, I wouldn't remember my friends' birthdays. Some people aren't good at that. Obviously you are and it's a big deal to you. Do all your other friends remember your birthday?

I actually think that if you dump her as a friend only because of her affair and choice to divorce, it says something about your character. (And I'm not trying to throw stones, but I really believe that you need to remember that one day YOU might have a friend who disagrees with something about you and pulls their friendship. And that would say something about THEIR character.)

Dawn

Why would you not be friends with her because she makes bad decisions? It won't impact your life. Better yet, you seem more concerned about her decision making than the fact hat she's really not a good friend to you - as you have described. The priorities are not in order here. Dump her because she's a crappy friend, not because she's cheating on her husband. That has nothing to do with you. It's clear you don't support her actions and that's fine. Has cheating ever ended in a good way? This likely won't be any different.

What kind of person was your friend before you found out about this? Has she been a true-blue friend to you? If this affair weren't in play, would you still consider her to be a good person?

I agree with Jennifer C. Unless your friend was already a people-user or had other concerning personality traits, there may be more stuff going on than what's on the surface. Most people who are happy in their relationships don't cheat on their significant others. You say that her marriage is none of your business, but she did open up to you, and I imagine that she might appreciate some support or neutral advice ( as in "Have you talked to a marriage counselor?").

I am not condoning what she did. That said, I know that I've done things which could have alienated my friends in the past, and they could've dumped me, but they didn't. They knew I was going through a hard time and loved me without congratulating me for my failures. That, to me, is pretty damn unconditional love. I've extended that same "wow, I'm going to have to watch you so something foolish.... and I love you and I'll be here when you come back to your senses" friendship. In some ways, it's these friendships that feel the most real, because when we fall, we still accept each other.

Only you can decide for yourself which path you want to take. Granted, there are likely things which I would dump a friend for, but not having universally compatible values isn't one of them. You aren't patting her on the back and saying "Way to have an affair!", you are putting your arm around her and saying "I'm here for you. Share your heart with me."

ETA: I just read your SWH, and it sounds like you already know what you feel like you want to do. Whatever is healthiest for you is best....

Oh sorry honey if this woman doesn't care apparently about her own family and keeping it together, she sure doesn't care about you. Yes we all make mistakes but what she's doing is beyond me. If she's not willing to get help she is over her husband already and she most likely will end up with the new guy. I say move on and find new friends. She didn't remember your birthday for 2-3 years now? Seriously? What a poor excuse for a wife, mom and friend. Poor lady. Yea just move on....Good luck!

wow, it really sounds like she is going through a very selfish period. i have friends i only see once a year but i remember their birthdays....gosh i have friends i have NOT seen in years whose birthdays i remember.

and it goes without saying that the way she is treating her family is 100% selfish. this kind of selfishness does not a good friend make. at the very least i would distance myself from her while she is treating those around her this way.

i guess it comes down to, do you feel you should "be there" for the husband and kids, or is SHE really the only one you consider a real friend...if it's just her, i'd say "see ya". she's not being a friend to you and as you said, the two of you have little to nothing in common. if these are "friends of the family" types, like the hubbies are friends, the kids are friends, etc, then it would be worth it to stay in contact - but not necessarily with her. know what i mean? support the hubby and kids, maybe, but.....

no, i don't think you can condone this behavior by accepting her after this. maybe that's cold hearted but i'm not a big enough person to condone these kinds of actions in a friend. i don't accept it in myself, i don't accept it in a close friend. if i am friends with someone it's because we have many same core values. one thing i am very big on is fidelity. i've been cheated on. that probably has a lot to do with it. i could never be friends with someone who deliberately hurt someone like that- an ongoing affair is different than cheating on someone one time with one person. that's a deliberate choice. it's not a one time, regrettable, stupid mistake. even as we all write these things, she is continuing to deliberately hurt people she should be doing anything in the world to protect and nurture. i can't understand or sympathize with that. so how could i be a good friend to her?

Now, imagine if this friend, was your sister. That's where I'm at right now. She has left her husband to move in with her new boyfriend. She has 3 kids under the age of 7. I was friends with my BIL before my sister married him. Now she's the one who cheated and tore her family apart. I am having a hard time processing the situation. My sister and I used to talk every day. Now, I've talked to her once in the past few months. She brings her new boyfriend around to family functions and we're just supposed to accept him. I'm sorry, I can't do it, not yet.
I also have a friend who prefers married men. She actually got pregnant and now has a 2 year old. The dad is still married and they have worked out a custody agreement, but, again, it was and is hard for me to accept.
I just tell myself that it's not my life. I have my own life, my own husband and kids to take care of.
Good luck with your situation.

I had affairSSS when I was younger. I was wreckless--some of it was that I could not come to terms regarding my sexuality.

She is probably experiencing more of post partum depression and bored with her life. My feelings actually go out to her. She will mature out of this. I did.

Wow - what a sad position to be in.

A friendship has to be about something. Friends are usually defined as people attached to one another by affection and esteem. You have strong convictions, and it appears that her convictions - which apparently used to be similar to yours - are going in the other direction.

I think I'd need to cultivate some sort of distance to handle it, for this reason: if she confronted me about what I thought of her affair, I'd have to answer her truthfully. Our relationship might have to move to the level of acquaintance, at best, rather than friendship. That may happen, anyhow, without your doing or saying much.

At the same time, I might not make such a break that we'd never speak to each other again. She may need someone to talk to if she finds out the direction she's chosen has been a bad one. (That may or may not happen.)

As others have written, if this woman's husband doesn't know anything about this, and if he is a friend of yours as well, you may be asked some questions. Begin now to think about how you will answer them.

My husband went through this same thing with one of his friends. They're still friends now, but while it was all happening, he definitely distanced himself. We both thought our friend was being a total idiot. Eventually, he came around and quit having an affair, but his wife still doesn't know. It's been probably 5 years now, and it's still odd that we know more about the intimate details of their marriage than the wife does. It's a terrible place to be in as a friend and I don't envy you. However, it sounds like you're ok with distancing yourself and, in my opinion, you should. Sounds like she's kind of a train wreck right now. If she's not adding joy and happiness to your life, and hasn't for some time, then maybe it's time to let the friendship go. You don't have to break up with her or anything, just keep your distance. Be cordial when you see her, but don't go out of your way to meet up or do things. Just let it fizzle. Best to you...