Why Dont You Cheat?

"Honey, if I wanted to sleep with other men, I wouldn't have married you. Although, if Patrick Stewart makes me an offer, you're either going to have to leave the room or shoot video."

You could flip it around and tell HIM to make YOU a list of why he thinks you will or will not cheat. Then maybe he will achieve a realization that having to justify a monogamous relationship beyond wedding vows is ridiculous.

I am too old to be bothered with another person's garbage (history, past, "dirty laundry", excess baggage, stories, etc) and I don't have time for all that stress - lol

Please don't hate me for saying this but you don't have to reassure your husband. If you have never cheated or caused him to be suspicious you don't have to reassure his ego. And if you must send a list do not put in the "fat" part. That is degrading to yourself that you want to show him how undesirable you are and that your lucky that he still loves you. Yuck, self esteem party of one?! T. do you ever wonder why HE is so suspicious? I hope to God he isn't cheating on you but SOME loved ones who point the finger are trying to take the attention off their own guilt. You saying I don't cheat should be enough.

If I found cheating to be morally acceptable, I would have thrown myself at numerous men, but I don't. I've been with one person in my entire life. It's like anything else you think is unacceptable - robbing a bank, selling crack, drive by shootings, whatever. No one worries that you'll suddenly slip and do those things under pressure; why should anyone worry that you'll cheat? It just doesn't make sense.

Wow -I don't think you need to have to make a list to pacify your husband. Perhaps he goes on these tangents as fishing expeditions so you'll puff his ego up some more. It sounds like he has some deep issues if he's badgering you to the point that you're making a list and asking us for even more items to go on it.

Here's one for you:

I don't cheat because, beyond all the other really good reasons, my husband doesn't aggravate me or accuse me of things for no reason except his own low self-esteem.

Your list is fine. I wouldn't send it though, you haven't done anything wrong and this seems pandering to his insecurities. I agree with the previous poster with perhaps sending a list of reasons you married him. Also, and goodness I don't want to suggest anything here because we don't know you or your husband, but in my experience if a man is accusing YOU of cheating often times means he has a guilty conscience. I am NOT saying he has cheated on you in any way, but maybe the temptation happened and it made him insecure that there was a temptation at all (which happens to everyone who is human. One way or another we are all faced with temptation after marriage, what matters is how we behave) Good luck, hopefully husband will get over his tangent and see that his marriage is safe!

I don't think you should have to go to all this work to stroke his ego or defend yourself.
Second thing when one is accusing another of cheating it is so they can blame shift and get rid of their own guilt over either cheating or thinking about cheating. I hate to bring that up but it has been proven time and time again. The one accusing without grounds tends to be the one stepping out of the relationship.
Might be time to look at your husband and check out what he might be up to.

I would just go with
Because I love you and I have never needed anyone else.

My biggest reason for not cheating on my husband is because no other man can measure up to him. Not only in what he provides for me, but what he means to my family. He is the father of my children, I would NEVER put my children in a situation where they are at risk for not having thier mommy and daddy together for ever.
When I said I do, I meant it.
I know what you mean because my husband questions me all the time why do i stay with him. (BTW, he has never cheated either)
Its just one of those things you just have to continually show him you love him and tell him. My hubby is getting better, but he stills needs the physical reassurance that i have the hots for him and only him.
He is my EVERYTHING. If I were to do anything to jepordize that I would lose my whole world. Yes my children are my heart and soul and i feel like if i could breathe them in every day i would. But my hubby is the glue that keeps that together, he is the one that made it possible for me to feel that way about my children.

I am very confused about the motivation and purpose of making this list?

It sounds like a tit-for-tat argument that once you stoop to his level of arguing it will never end.

Never argue with a fool. They will drag you down to their level and will beat you with tons of experience.

I found your list funny and complete. You hadn't said he asked for or demanded a list. I think it's a cute and appropriate thing to do. Of course, I'd put at the top "I don't have the time. I don't have the energy." :)

My friend's husband is super jealous and I don't think for a minute he's cheating on her...

Girl, you shouldn't have to send him a list. Your list tells ME that you would honor a vow to your husband, and I don't know you from a hole in the wall!

Now, when people are super suspicious and jealous about their spouse with absolutely no cause, it often means that THEY are guilty of doing the very thing that they are suspicious of. Transfer of guilt and all that.
I really, really hope that he isn't doing something that he should feel guilty about, but I think, before you send him a reassuring e-mail, you should ask him WHY he is feeling so jealous and insecure.

Blessings, T.! I hope your husband sees what a gem he has in you!

Why do you have to justify yourself and your commitment to him? I'm sure he is a good man and that you love him a lot but this is his issue to deal with, not your's -- unless, of course, you have given him reason to feel insecure.

Making this list is all fine and dandy but it's like putting a bandage on a major gash. Your list may assuage his insecurity for this brief moment in time but it's not going to heal the part of him that is unable to trust and believe that he is capable of receiving true love unless he does the work for himself to make that happen.

I just don't think you should have to make a list like this if you have never done anything to provoke this kind of insecurity in him. I'm sorry that you are having to go through this with him and I really do feel for you but I worry that you maybe on an endless cycle of co-dependency with him and, if so, that is no way to live. Trust me on this.

Best wishes.

ADDED: Just read your "So What Happened?" update. Strongly suggest marital counseling for the two of you. It doesn't sound like either one of you have your head in the right place to forge a healthy, happy, committed relationship together. If the two of you don't do something drastic -- like counseling -- to turn things around, you can pretty much expect more of the same kind of relationship from here on out.

How about 'I love you.' Period. That should be enough, but I don't even see that on the list?

Edited-
I still think 'I Love You' should be at the top.

It seems to me that you guys have major issues that you need to talk through. I think he has his doubts. If you could not even put 'I Love You' the first time, I could see why. If him not believing that you LOVE him enough to not cheat on him, then I'm sure he feels insecure. And you obviously have your own issues with him. I really think you two need to put working on your issues as a priority. Best of luck to you guys!

I would tell him that you love him and you haven't cheated on him, you never will, and if he can't believe that, then it's his problem. You don't have to tell him over and over again. He's getting a payoff from it.

I would really suggest going together to a counselor to talk about it. Just one or two times. Maybe your husband will have his fears calmed, or maybe you'll find out that he's got some problems. It's not normal to be super jealous like that.

I want to be with YOU the rest of my life!

Because marriage is a sacred covenant between a man and a woman for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad times...till death do you part.

I'm sorry your husband is feeling so insecure in your love. I think your #1 reason should be that you are a Christian woman. Not that Christians don't ever mess up. But, that should be your primary motivation for faithfulness. You might not always be "fat." Should he worry when you lose weight? Don't set him up for that one. And, he may never want you to lose weight if that is his security blanket. I honestly think you are teasing him in some of your reasons (like that one). Now, in addition to the list, which I don't think is a bad idea (I particularly love that you said other men don't measure up, you don't want to risk losing him, your children deserve better, and you respect him), show him why you wouldn't. Respect him. Honor him. Make sure he knows how delighted you are when he comes home. Make him eager to come home, and rejoice at his homecoming. Help him to think more highly of himself by your devotion and care of him and his needs. Just like we want to be shown the same thing from our men, show him. There is nothing wrong with serving each other where their needs happen to be.
Blessings to you!!

I find it quite odd that you need to reassure him of this.....but one thing I say to my hubby often is "my life would suck without you".
I don't say this for the same reasons you speak of, but it says a lot without too many words.

Because it's cowardly. If I want to have sex with someone else I'll either ask to open the marriage (joint decision, honest, & above board) or divorce.

Its a little weird that he wants a list, red flag-weird.

Unless you have proven yourself an unloyal woman he has no right to question your loyalty and i would be offended if i were you, or assume he was cheating because of the sudden paranoia.

and btw, # 3 and #4 makes me think you need a therapist, or a a good friend to snap you out of this self depreciating line of thinking.

Although I feel that you have some good points as to why you don't cheat I feel that the fact that you have to make this list for your husband means something is wrong. Not that you have cheated but that there are real trust issues here. I think a good long talk with him is in order and maybe some couples counseling. Again I'm not accusing you but do you give him any reason to feel like you might cheat on him? Are you or him not happy in your marriage? Or do you have other single guys friends that would cause him to worry? I just feel that you shouldn't have to make a list like this for your husband so again I think some counseling might be in order.

Because I took my vows seriously when I said them

The most ego stroking reason would be:
"You are the best lover & I have no reason to go elsewhere because you totally satisfy me."
My husband & I didn't have any experience with other people (mainly make-out sessions), but sex is the one department We never had a problem with, weight gain & all. I don't ever need to lie when I tell him how much of a stud he is! ;-)

i don't know how good my answer is for your situation, but this is coming from a girl who has cheated on every boyfriend i have ever had, except my fiance. since i started dating him, i have no desire to even think of another man in a sexual sense. i love him so much and want to be with him so much that no one else will do.

but if you want to add a few to his list, why deal with men when there are toys. and he takes care of all your needs, so there is no need for another man. and a personal favorite of mine, if i cheated i'd be giving you permission to cheat, and that's not cool with me. and on a more serious note, he's your soulmate.

good luck. i don't think you should have to jump through these hoops, but, i have been there so i understand.

well, you have enough good answers, but i have a new one, (i don't think i read it) why should a person cheat when divorce is sooo easy? there is absolutely no reason for someone to cheat when all you have to do is say, i don't love/like you anymore, and i'm finding someone else attractive. i think it's better if we weren't together. you also have the main reasons of faith, love and family.

I joke with my husband that I could never cheat because by the end of the day I have zero energy to even muster up any courage or gumption to cheat :) My life is tiring enough that I can't even imagine where to even begin. He's a good-natured person so he chuckles at this, too.

Realistically though, I don't cheat because I truly love my husband and made vows to be faithful to him. He's my partner, my lover, but most importantly my best friend and I would be devastated not having him in my life. Thus, I would not do anything to break his trust and destroy our bond.

How about "because I love you and I am happy with you completely." Although if I had to make this this I probably wouldn't be completely happy.

I think its the dirtiest,lowest, disrespectful thing you can do to your spouse. To cheat is to sink yourself to lower than low and I don't go there. I personally will NEVER cheat because I just find it so repulsive and hurtful, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
M

wow. excellent reasons. I am sorry he is insecure. you sound great.

I thought this whole post was tongue-in-cheek??? If you are serious it's a little weird to list why you wouldn't cheat - how about "I married you" - isn't that reason enough?

I'm going a bit more on the "romantic" side... as romantic as I can get when I think about why I don't cheat on my husband!

-Because no one else looks as sexy washing the supper dishes
-Because you still take my breath away when you walk into a room
-Because you are the father of my children, and I love the way you love them
-Because no one else held me through the night when I was sick and needed comfort
-Because our loans have both our names on them
-Because our oldest looks just like you
-Because I love your mom, and I never want to disappoint her
-Because you shovel the driveway without me reminding you

Love your post...I am Christian Woman and took my marriage vows seriously! For all the reasons you stated and ones I have not even thought of....Trust and Fidelity in a realationship is most important...Thanks,

How about because you made a commitment and you intend to honor it?

I would start the list with I LOVE YOU

Because I don't believe in it. Cheating is wrong. I made a promise and so did he and that's just the way it is. My husband is my best friend and you don't betray your best friend.

Because when God asks me why I did it, I"d be too ashamed and ask to be sent to hell. I can't see myself saying "I wasn't happy at home" or "the opportunity knocked".

It's too much work, you gotta cover up a lie with another one, sneak around, keep a secret, cover up your tracks...it's just too much. It's like doing a drug, I don't have the time or make enough money for the lifestyle they hold, lol. Cheating is a committment! Marriage is an easier one.

Last...I'm not stupid.

You should not have to justify yourself at all!! This is not a healthy environment for you or your kids. Marriage is not about jealousy!! You both need counseling for this relationship. He will always be convinced that you are going to cheat.

Copy Mommymommymommy's response and you are good to go.:)

I am sorry, but I think giving him this list is an unnecessary stroke for his ego. He should have no reason to question you or doubt you as you haven't done anything wrong. I also wouldn't put in there about not wanting others to see you naked as it makes you insecure. You should be proud of who you are as a mother and a wife. From my past experience with my ex, when he started insecure stuff like this it was from a guilty conscience. He was cheating so all of the sudden someone (who could never be named) told him I was hanging out with someone (also could never be named). That marriage ended as he was cheating with multiple people. I am now in a marriage where my husband and I have a complete trust and understanding and he would never ask me such questions or expect such a list.

Agree with all of the above. Your husband needs counseling.

Hi T.
I think he is playing some mind game asking for this list.
Sorry that aside,you asked us about your list.
I would not put in 3 or 4 .Why put yourself down like that!! Please don't.
Other than that I think its fine.
All the best
B. k