Issues with Husband--need Some Neutral Advice

You're over-reacting. He has given no indication that he is doing anything wrong.
She isn't "stealing" him from you. And even if she were trying to (which I don't see in what you described), he can't be "stolen" against his will.

Lay down the law, ultimatums, demand justice, set specific rules! Because that always works out.
If he is going to cheat, NOTHING YOU SAY OR DO will stop him. And that goes for you as well, if you wanted to cheat nothing he could say or do would stop you.
It starts with his intention.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. I think from time to time you need to lay out some ground rules.Such as not answering his cel phone or carpooling or eating together. And introduce every single man you know to her.

I think you are over-reacting and if you continue on this path, you are at risk for ruining your marriage ALL BY YOURSELF.

It sounds like you really don't trust your husband. COMMUNICATE with him. He already knows about your jealousy, fess up and tell him how you feel.

If your hubby had a male assistant, would you feel the same way? I think not.

Look at it this way.... this assistant may look up to your husband as a father figure. If she is helping him run his business, she is being an active partner in helping him excel and be successful which benefits YOU and your family and also benefits her financially as well as professionally.

My husband and I own our company and run our business. I know if he had an assistant.... he'd HAVE to be in a good working relationship because that is what it takes. I happen to be the partner but if I left my post as partner, he would need a right hand person to help keep things on track as far as the financial aspect of the business.

There ARE times that we don't take a call because we are busy. She probably answered the phone because it was you and she didn't want your call to go to voice mail if she senses that you are so insanely jealous because if the phone went to voice mail, your mind would be wondering why the phone wasn't answered and what were they doing.

"hyperventilating", really??? You seriously need to be evaluated.

I don't see the drama except for the drama in your head so yes, GO talk to a professional before you ruin your marriage.

I'm going to try to say this in the most gentle way possible: Yes, you are overreacting and I think that it's essential that you get help with a therapist. Instead of gaslighting you, your husband has tried to reassure you and has stopped doing things that bother you. Except that there's always something that bothers you simply because his employee is attractive.

I do think that marriage counseling would be appropriate here too. I don't think it's that you don't trust the employee, but you really don't trust your husband. Have you had trust issues in the past? Has he ever cheated before? Have you ever cheated? The fears and obsessive thoughts you're having aren't normal and need to be addressed but I think that a neutral party like a marriage counselor would help a lot as well as a personal therapist for yourself.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. It can't be fun living in your head right now. {{{HUG}}}

Wow, I think you need to slow down here. If you truly feel that your DH is committed and would not cheat, then why are you so upset? I promise you that it is possible to have a purely platonic relationship with people that you work with... I go out to lunch quite frequently with men that I work with...and no, there has never been the slightest temptation to do anything inappropriate.

What do you do during the day? If you spend the day obsessing about this, then it is time to fill your day with activities. If you are a SAHM, then go to the park or the library. Just do something. It is not healthy for you to obsess like this.

I think you are definitely over reacting.

I had a pretty close relationship with an older boss, and I feel like I am fairly attractive, was 22, and single. We worked together, often alone, at least 3 days a week. We used to chat a lot about our personal lives, and it was not uncommon for him to bring in a subway sandwich, or nachos, and split it with me. There have been times when we were very busy, and if his wife (or anyone else) called he would have me answer quickly for him if I happened to be free right that second and he wasn't. He felt it was better for me to give a quick explanation than to just let the phone ring and leave whoever was calling hanging. Car pooling isn't the least bit in appropriate, if they are going the same place at the same time. Why waste the gas? In my instance, my boss would give me a ride if my car was broken down. He would so the same for any other employee... Not just the pretty young girls.

Our relationship was PURELY platonic. There was never anything remotely inappropriate happening. We talked about our personal lives, because spending hours together gets REALLY boring if you don't talk to each other... After so long you run out of generic topics.

With your husband, he is being completely open with you. I think it is admirable that he understands how you feel, and is trying to tone down his working relationship with her. He is trying... What more can he do really? Fire the poor girl because they get along, and his wife is jealous? That REALLY isn't fair to her. She isn't stealing him away from you... She is doing her job. Your husband would be gone just as much if some fat old guy was working with him instead.

I'm not sure about the solution. I think this is more of an anxiety (presenting itself as jealousy) issue for you, than a marriage problem. If you are reacting this strongly, I think your first step should be seeing a therapist and you can work from there.

You said it yourself... Your husband is honest, loving, a good guy and would never betray your marriage. Give your husband every reason to want to come home to you by being loving in return. Jealousy is so ugly and it insults your husband and your marriage.
To answer your question, I think you are over reacting big time. Put yourself in your husband's shoes and ask yourself how much fun you are to live with with all your doubts and jealousy.

You are DEFINITELY overreacting.

This right here is why you shouldn't be worried: "A while ago my husband told me..."

Your husband is telling you what is going on. He is being open and honest and transparent.

I see absolutely no problem with anything he's doing that you've mentioned here. He's telling you about it. My husband works in a clinic with 15 women. He's the ONLY male. He is required to work closely with them. He tells me all about what's going on, and ensures that he mentions me in conversations with them. They know he's married, and his behavior is always professional. He places hedges of protection around our marriage...and your husband is too.

My husband often has to visit other clinics in the area and carpools with another woman from his clinic. If they were on the road, or he was on the phone or busy, and I called him, he would probably hand the phone to his coworker and say "Answer it and let her know we're busy and I'll call her back." Because he doesn't want me to have to leave a voicemail. He cares enough to answer the phone SOMEHOW.

I too have "fleas" from past relationships that cause me to have silly thoughts and jealousies. Fleas are what my husband and I call those feelings we get that have nothing to do with eachother, but have to do with our exes (when you lie down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas). I have fleas about intimacy. He has fleas about arguing and feeling controlled. Because these are problems we had with out exes.

Do you think your feelings might be fleas?

If so, you really need to talk to your husband about it so you can work through it together! Today, if I have something that is bothering me that is a flea, I'll tell my husband...."I think I have fleas when it comes to this. When you do this behavior, it reminds me of when my ex would _____. I know logically that you'd never do that to me, but I need you to know what's on my mind. I need a little extra reassurance."

It all comes down to self-reflection and communicating what you find. It will be okay! ♥

ETA: I cannot disagree more with the posters who are telling you to set rules on your husband. Your husband is a GROWN MAN, not a child. You setting rules and then having to ensure that he's following them is only going to further highlight your insecurity...and WILL tear down the hedges of protection your husband is placing around your marriage.

Think on this for a moment...if your husband is messing around, do you really think he's going to tell you all the things he's told you?

Do you think his side-action is going to answer his phone?

Of course not.

AND, even if he IS cheating (which I doubt very much)....do you think flipping out on him, making demands, or setting rules is going to make him stop?

You need to have an open, honest discussion with your husband about your insecurities. No demands, no rules. Treat him like the grown man that he is and don't drive him mad with your jealousy.

I had an old boyfriend who said he trusted me but people just shoulnd't put themselves in certain situations. I think your husband's is one of them. He's alone all day with a very attractive younger girl?? Unless he dislikes her personality to the point that it makes her physically unattractive to him, it would bother me too. Maybe he won't actually cheat but if I was with a really cute guy all day having a great time, gee, I'd probably start kinda liking him... Kind of a crush.. We're human. If he has to keep her, I agree that you should try to get over there some and be physically present. Sorry, lousy situation.

I was so sure my husband was telling me the truth when he had to teach that new employee how to make pizza at 11pm...and do the taxes and bookkeeping every night after work...and I thought nothing of it when he was out of town and I was out with this girl and he called her first when he got out of the concert...

Look, the deal with marriage is that YOU come first. No f-ing way would I put up with any of that now that I have been through healing a marriage after an affair that started out as just a work relationship. You are not paranoid, you do not have jealousy issues. THEY have boundary issues, and that needs to be addressed. Now. Her interest in your birthday a month early is a red flag. Answering your husband's phone like that is a red flag - no woman that works with my husband would DARE talk to me that way!

Ask yourself would it bother you if it is a male coworker?

I have had bosses ask me to answer their cell. It is usually all gestures like waving their hand towards the phone. First of all you are not actually sure they are asking you to answer the phone because it is really a strange request, then you are like a deer in headlights because you have no idea how to answer. So you fumble out something awkward and pray to god the person doesn't want to chat.

You need help, I feel like you know that. So get some. There is nothing to be ashamed of. What would be a shame is if you continue to try to handle this on your own and it destroys your marriage.

My hubby was a contractor who worked in people's houses all the time. Usually if someone was home it was the woman of the house. So he was alone with other women all the time. I had a friend who always questioned this because 'anything could happen'. Yes it could have however I trusted my husband 100% knowing that he wouldn't hurt me.

So the question is: Do you trust your husband? If you do it doesn't matter what the young woman does. Women don't steal husbands.

I think you're your own worst enemy in this situation, imagining what *could* be happening. Sorry, but it seems to me that all the "drama" is in your head :(

Take comfort in knowing that your husband loves YOU and is committed to YOU. The fact that he's made some concessions proves that. I think if he *were* doing something inappropriate, he would have gotten defensive and turned it around on you.....but he didn't, he changed/stopped the behaviour to make YOU feel better.

It's an uncomfortable situation that could turn even the most trusting woman a little insecure, but you HAVE to trust your husband. NOTHING you've said sends up a red flag for me. And while I can sympathize with your situation, you must rein in your jealousy and insecurity. A marriage councillor may be the way to go. Start on your own, and it won't hurt to bring your husband in.

Whatever you do, do NOT start accusing your husband of cheating or being inappropriate. I personally know 2 men that, after years of distrust and accusations from their wife/girlfriend (VERY unfounded, btw), ended up having affairs because "I was being punished for having one anyways." I'm not saying this will happen to you, just offering a different perspective. It's GOT to be exhausting to be constantly accused of cheating, to constantly have to defend your (innocent) actions. It can't make for a happy home.

Get some counselling for yourself. Learn how to manage your own thoughts and get your emotions under control. Show your husband that you trust him. I wish you the best.

One part of your story made me just about jump out of my chair - the way she answered his phone!!

Not okay AT ALL.

My guy and I both work in fields where we have a receptionist. Each of our receptionists knows - as my father's secretaries have known all my life - PUT FAMILY CALLS THROUGH. Wife, daughter, etc etc. If the person is in a big meeting or something similar, the secretary is supposed to be clear about that and see if the call can be returned later (but the family member can say "it's an emergency, put me through" if necessary).

I guess part of the problem here is that she is not a secretary, so she never learned those skills? But then, maybe that means she should not be answering his calls.

And maybe the one who needs to learn the importance of your calls is...your husband?

In general, it sounds like your husband got himself an immature coworker. Sorry to hear that! I don't think that's a marriage problem though - and your husband should not allow it to become one.

R., I totally see why you would be upset. I think that you need to set some ground rules with your husband.
She should not answer his phone unless he is having a medical emergency. Let it go to voice mail.
Why can't the door stay open?
Also, if he has time for a leisurely lunch with her, he has time for one with you. Make a lunch date once or twice a week. even if you are eating brown-bagged pb & j at his desk, you'll be doing it together.

The truth is that people form "work husband"/"work wife" relationships that are very intimate without any sexual tension at all, but an emotional bond that still interferes with the real marriages.

It is also true that young women are sometimes unconsciously attracted to older married men because they represent the ideal they hope for someday. This young lady may never dream of actually sleeping with your husband, but might be "researching" what she wants in an eventual life partner. It sounds like he's a great man and may be a real contrast to the immature guys or bad boys she's used to dating.

Ya know, before I got married I worked in a factory for a few summers, working almost exclusively with the plant manager, in his office (door closed due to factory noise.) We did become very close, but never in my wildest dreams would I have figured it amounted to a threat to his wife.

Yes, you are overreacting. I'd just tell your husband that you think Miss Employee needs to work on her office manners, as answering your cell phone is not out of line, but being so short with you was. I've worked as a receptionist plenty of times to know how to answer calls that aren't intended for me. "We're busy now and can't talk" simply doesn't cut it. Calls should always be answered with a friendly greeting, an assessment of the caller's needs, and either a connection to the intended party, or an apology and offer to either take a message, hold the line, or a specific time the person can call back.

R.:

Are you his wife/partner or his mother? If you are his wife/partner - you need to STOP. Seriously. STOP. You are making a mountain out of a mole hill, in my opinion...

if you are his mother - set those rules. Tell him how it is going to be. And watch your marriage disintegrate before your eyes. He already HAS a mother.

I would hope and pray you choose #1. Why? Because from where I sit? your husband is NOT encouraging her. He is TELLING YOU - he is COMMUNICATING to you - what is going on.

Answering his phone? Eh - that one MIGHT bother me. It's not like your husband didn't call you right back. She wasn't out of breath and neither was he.

Why are you looking sooo hard for problems? Do YOU have something to be guilty of? Really?! I'm not kidding. The ones who do the accusing are usually the ones with the guilty conscience. So take a step back. Deep breath. Let it out slowly. DO YOU have anything to be guilty about? Why do you think your husband, who in your own words is a good guy and you believe he won't cheat - but here you are....trying to put a square peg in a round hole....back off girlfriend....stop hyperventilating over something that is NOT there....

YOU are creating your own drama. You just can't see it.

Ditto what everyone has said.

DH may want to review with co-worker how to answer the phone so that it sounds more professional (if that is indeed what she said and how she said it). Perhaps it is best that the phone goes to voice mail so you can leave a private message, and he can tell her to do that.

Perhaps you can make a lunch date with DH and bring a nice picnic basket of food. But if the tone is, "I'm checking up on you," the visit won't work. At the very least, set up a date at night together so you get some DH time as well.

I've never been insanely jealous before. There must be books on ways to overcome the feelings and thoughts associated with it. Look into that.

How do you want to spend your day? Do you do that?

Best wishes.

As for the phone...it is reasonable for her to pick up the phone (especially if he asked or indicated for her to) but it would seem she should work on her phone etiquette. I have answered my supervisor's/co-workers phone when it's been his wife or son. I simply let them know that he's on the other line or he's in a meeting and see if it's urgent and I need to interupt. A more reasonable remark in this case would have been "Hi R.. He's on the other line right now so he'll call you back in a few minutes". If no one had answered, you would have been upset too but I can't believe she said "WE are busy and can't talk. WE will call you back".

If things are on the up and up, you could just be paranoid and that can become a self-fulfilling situation. On the other hand, I tend to go with my gut and am rarely wrong.

From what you described, it would seem that you are overreacting.

I agree with the others that you are overreacting. His colleague needs to work on her phone etiquette if she's going to answer his cell or he needs to keep his phone on silent so that if it rings while he's on another call it doesn't keep ringing and disturb the other call. The only time I would have someone answer my cell for me would be if I were on my landline or in a meeting and left the ringer on so it was distracting.

I work on a team of mostly men - there's my boss, two other guys who are senior to me, a guy who is my junior, and a young woman who reports mostly to me. I've stayed late at the office with just the younger guy and bought him dinner. I just went out to lunch with my boss yesterday and he drove. If we're going out for lunch or to a meeting, one of the guys usually drives and I ride along. All of these are normal things that people do with colleagues. I agree that the one on one situation makes things a little different, but you either trust your husband or you don't.

This might be an opportunity for you and your husband to connect more. It sounds like you have a great marriage with good communication. Go ahead and tell him that his current working situation has made you realize that you miss him and would like to connect more, so let's plan more date nights or maybe try to have lunch together once a week. Don't present it as if he's doing something wrong or that you're jealous, but that something has been bugging you, you couldn't quite put your finger on it, and you figured out that it's that his colleagues (male or female, young or old) get to spend more time with him than you do and that made you realize that you miss spending time together and want to do that more often. And I would joke with him about his colleague's phone etiquette so that he can train her on how to answer his phone in such a way that it doesn't lead to the impression that they're locked in a steamy embrace when, in fact, he's just on another line.

I haven't read the responses, but I can tell you I wouldn't be okay with all of them. I think it's okay that he has a female coworker that he talks socially with, I think it's okay that he carpools with her on occasion, or has lunch with her. I think it's COMPLETELY inappropriate that she answered your husband's personal cell phone and said what she did. If she was answering it professionally, she would have taken a message. No way would that fly with me.

Talk to your husband. Tell him your feelings. Tell him the things (specific things) that are making you worry. Ask him to stop the things that make you uncomfortable. If he won't stop them or find ways to help you feel better with it, then I'd say it's time for marital counseling.

Sorry, but that's my take.

I have to say in your question you contradict yourself. You're so SURE he will never cheat, but you are freaking out, stressing so much, going to make your self sick, worrying about him cheating. So which is it?? I'm so secure in my marriage I would be teasing my husband about this, not stressing. I'm sorry this is so hard for you and yes I think you should talk to a counselor or marriage counselor to work out your feelings and not let them destroy your marriage.

I didn't read any of the prior responses and you've gotten a lot so I will put in my 2 cents too. The percentage of affairs that start at WORK are crazy high, like 84%. So do NOT ever assume that he will not cheat, he can and will if given the circumstances. And he now has the circumstances. I actually don't believe they need to carpool anywhere on their own, nor go to lunch on their own, nor work behind a CLOSED door on their own. No way. Nor should she touch your husband's cell. If he was "on the other line" then obviously he has business phones. There is no reason for any of this to be happening when he is a MARRIED man and she is a YOUNG ATTRACTIVE SINGLE FEMALE. I'm sure that some of your 40+ posts say that you are acting insecure and jealous and you need to trust your husband. That's all nice, but reality check...That is too much DAILY temptation and it needs to stop and boundaries put into place. Just my opinion. But I would have a heart to heart with your husband and figure out some rules for his office and his staff and make sure HE knows you are checking on him and make sure YOU feel like he is actually doing what he needs to to make you feel better. I hope you can figure something out. Good luck.

I think you don't fully trust your husband as much as you say, because you wouldn't be so worried and jealous and agitated. So I say to listen to yourself and figure out exactly what is triggering this. Do you suffer from anxiety in other areas or did you at other times in the past? Or is there something "off" in their business relationship, or has he said/done something to make you suspicious? Have you always been jealous or was it triggered by something? Sometimes when we have kids, we feel a little older or less attractive or less glamourous.

I think he could do a few things to improve the situation - if he's getting home late because the workload is heavy, then maybe he could cut back on the socializing with her about her bar hopping and her love life and whatever. Cut back the chatter and get done sooner. If he's sharing stories with her about you and the kids, that's a good thing. If he's her sounding board for all her activities because she needs an older man's advice, than can be encouraging her to share TOO much info during the work day. Is he staying late to get done all the stuff that she didn't do during the day while she was chatting away? Not good. Not good for him, for you, for her! It's teaching her bad professional behavior.

And he can work with her on how to properly answer the phone and respond to spouses or customers or colleagues, whoever is using his cell phone. If the cell phone is for business purposes as well as personal, she needs to up her game a lot - clients would be justifiably offended at her tone. If it's for personal use, then she needs to either leave the phone alone, be POLITE and tell you he's on the other line or dealing with a business issue but she didn't want you to wait so she answered. If they are sitting that physically close, then her talking to you is probably disturbing him more than just letting the phone ring and go to voice mail. She may think she's being helpful but I'm not sure she is. If by "close" you mean they have a friendly relationship and she feels she has enough knowledge, info and license to answer his personal phone calls, then he needs to establish boundaries. If he wants her to pick up his phone, he can tell her what to say. If he doesn't, he should say so. If it varies, he should work out a signal with her if he's on the other phone that tells her to please pick up his cell phone this time.

If you think talking to someone about your fears and jealousy would be helpful, by all means, do it! There's no shame in getting a professional perspective, maybe looking at something that occurred in the past, or getting help through a transition period in your life. You can go by yourself, with him, or some combination. If you are in tears and hyperventilating, you need some attention and some techniques for getting past it. If your husband belittles you, that's a warning sign. If he supports you, then he IS the good guy and loyal marriage partner you believe him to be in your calm moments.

Good luck!

I think your over reacting too. :( sorry. Being too jealous and insecure is bound to drive you insane, and him, into someone else's arms for comfort. :) Try to encourage honesty and get a life outside your relationship (or in addition to your relationship. However you'd like to say it). You can't prevent the inevitable. A cheater is going to cheat. So be somebody that's 'too good to loose.' Whatever that means to you. :) good luck. I know that insecure feeling and it sucks. But nobody can releave that feeling from you but you. :)

I think there needs to be some clear and distinct boundaries with this co-worker and they need to be established by your husband. I don't care how nice she is or how well they work together. If anyone answered my husband's cell phone that way - I would be livid. She should not have answered it and why did she take the liberty to do that? Did he ask her to? And if he did, he should not have. Their relationship (whatever that is) makes you uncomfortable and this is obvious. Talk to your husband about this. You don't need to be accusatory, but explain that you want to understand their relationship and that you are not comfortable with her answering his phone. What if someone else misconstrues their relationship for something it's not? Don't make it about being jealous, you just don't like it.

We can't really give neutral advice because we are only getting your side of the story..and the side you are really willing to share.

Some things are jumping out at me that don't look so good on either of your sides.

I am very sensitive in this area because my dad had an affair with my mom's best friend who conveniently moved in as our next door neighbor. But now they are now married. I see things through very jaded eyes but I know not all men are out to have affairs. But even the most honest and loving men can get slowly broken down and swept into justifying getting involved in physical and emotional affairs.

My dad's affair was NOT about sex,at first. It was about slowly slipping away because the other woman was stroking his ego,doing special things for him and really listening to him. She spent time doing things for him. He felt needed, appreciated, and valued by this other woman. They had fun together, laughed and escaped reality together. She did a lot of things for him that a wife should be doing, and I am not talking about sex here. That actually came later.

I sure as heck do not know what is going on in your home and what kind of feelings permeate your home and your personal relationship together. But constant questioning of your husband, telling him what he can and can't do, crying fits to manipulate him will just look plain crazy in his eyes. Whether he is lying to you or not about this relationship.

I am concerned that you say that he would never do anything to betray your marriage and at the same time that he "generally doesn't lie". I think you might be leaving some things out.

I really would put all this emotion and energy and angst into loving your husband. Be the level headed woman at the end of the day that he can come home to and find happy to see him. Not full of jealousy, questioning and in your words..."drama".

Go see him during the day and have lunch together. Plan a date night for the two of you, at home or out on the town, on one of your nights off. Have fun together again. Not sure about your intimate relationship...but it is very important for a man to feel needed,loved and appreciated to have his wife WANT him...especially after a long day at work. The bond that is nurtured in a loving intimate(sexual) relationship is very powerful.

You mention you think you need to see a psychologist to "figure out the root of OUR problems". What "our" problems?? This whole post has to do with your conjured up thoughts about an inappropriate relationship and you really treating each day as a "nightmare".

Are there "problems" that you are not telling us and maybe you mean you both should see a marriage counselor together?? I think a psychologist would be more useful if you are wanting to go for yourself only to want help in understanding why you can't trust your husband if he really is not doing anything on the side with this woman.

If you are having a hard time coping each day and an emotional wreck when he comes home to you then YES you need to talk to someone. If you guys are having issues together as a married couple then by all means, you both should see someone.

But...if this really is the case of a poor man trying to get his work done each day and a jealous wife at home creating a steamy office romance in her head then please...get help or he may just find himself looking for an escape with this young gal.

I am just throwing this out there. Take some time to think about the environment you are creating in your home that makes your husband WANT YOU...and not the company of the young and carefree office gal.

You know what, even if your husband his morals of steel, this arrangement is crappy and there is no need for someone to ever pick up someone else's cell. I even think it's corny when spouses do it but at least it's not wrong. She sees on his personal cell that it's you so she picks it up and answers it to tell you "they" are busy instead of leaving it the hell alone because it's not her phone?

Sorry, the environment and hours are way too much. Many people would not like this arrangement. Don't feel bad. Again, he may not ever be one of the millions of men who have slipped up in arrangements like this, but it's not your place to sit home feeling guilty for having human emotions. I'm not sure what can be done short of firing her and nowadays you need all kinds of bullet proof reasons to let someone go, but hey, I've been fired from jobs just because people didn't like me and I didn't sue.... Does she LOVE this job that much at her age? When I was young I was working in bars, restaurants and companies where there were lots of other people. I would have hated being shut in all the time with some older man UNLESS I really liked him of course. Not saying any of this is her fault or that anything is happening. But the people saying you're crazy have never been cheated on and don't know tons of people who have.

I've seen scenarios less scary than this go awry, so I don't share the "It's fine" perspective. SHARING FOOD? I've had a lot of jobs and a lot of "lunch at work" scenarios. This is UNFATHOMABLE to me. Unless they're ordering take-out and having their own separate stuff..and I guess giving each other things they don't like, but if they're like "sharing their food?" No. Would he be sharing food with a young male employee and sharing his cell?

And now every time he makes changes like not carpooling or telling her to not touch his phone-it makes yo look bad when that never should have been happening in the first place. I don't know. I would hate it.

Don't let people make you feel bad for "not trusting your husband".
Everyone trusts their husbands until something terrible happens. People whose husbands remain flawless keep trusting them-especially if they're NOT in situations like the one you're describing. But their trust would not have been the reason for calamity if calamity had been the situation. There is nothing you can do or feel to control an affair. There are two other people and hours of solitary time for them at play too. It's not about you.

I think the arrangement needs to change. Once he's not shut into a small room with her all the time you really won't need therapy. He's such a solid guy (and I really believe that) you would have NOTHING to worry about if he was in a different daily routine. The first thing therapists tell spouses who have cheated is that they need to remove themselves from situations like this one. Your husband hasn't cheated, but the situation is TERRIBLE.

IF you cannot control this and she cannot be fired: You have to make the decision to NOT be worried and to go make friends with her and be a confident beaming wife who pops up in person fairly regularly. Fake it to make it. If you and she have a good relationship it's less likely something will happen.

I am sorry to tell you this. But your husband is already cheating. They put up a front but she let slip when she hung up on you. He called back a few minutes later. That is convenient. A secretary can pick the office phone but not cellphones unless it is only for office use. Late nights, car pooling, shared lunches etc etc. sorry too many red flags. Don't mean to be cynical but never NEVER assume he is so committed he won't cheat. I hope I AM wrong. But your words tell me you are trying to convince yourself he is not cheating and that what they share is bothering you but there is no affair. You have a woman's instinct. I think if you stay quiet and look into this more carefully, you are going to get evidence. Women are sneaky. Her remembering your birthday etc is just a ploy and a smokescreen. Again I honestly hope I am wrong but I think you need to look into this. Best wishes.

I would definitely not be ok with this. Your husband is the boss and should not have hired her to begin with. It's one thing to have opposite sex friends and quite another to be spending 8 hours a day, 5 days a week with them ALONE and behind closed doors. He may not physically cheat on you but it sounds like he's emotionally cheating. If he cares for you he will tell this girl that he cannot work with her anymore and ask her to resign. Did you hear about the dentis who fired an assistant for being irresistible to him? He knew that if he kept working with her something bad would happen so he fired her to protect his marriage. She sued but he won. twice. Here is a man who did what he had to do. Even if your husband is NOT attracted to her, your discomfort alone should be reason enough for him to nix her.

Well, I do see where you're coming from, but I also think you're letting yourself get worked up. The girl definitely needs to work on her phone skills, because the way she answered was unprofessional, whether it was you or not. She's still a paid employee at an office.

I think you maybe have some trust issues with your husband, even though you're trying to convince yourself you don't. I would suggest talking to your husband about how you feel, and see if he offers any options (such as, the female employee won't answer his personal cell phone anymore). Aside from that, I suggest that you and your husband maybe have lunch a couple times a week? I think it would make you feel better to be a presence in your husband's office, and around the girl too. Then you won't feel so intimidated.

I do not like the sound of this very much. But if your husband is a good guy, you trust him etc, I agree there is most likely nothing inappropriate going on. In reality, HE is not the problem, you are not the problem, the girl is not the problem. The situation is the problem. So you need to approach it from that angle when you talk to your husband about it.

The situations is unfortunate because it allows him to spend a lot of quality time with one single person (eating meals, carpooling, working in close proximity). And unfortunately you two busy parents are short on quality time so it hurts to know that some other person gets those experiences with your husband. This is the part that would bother me most. The fact that the other person is a young woman just makes it a little more jealousy -inducing, but that is not the young woman's fault.

Let's not ignore the fact that she is a young single gal (cute? Pretty? Have you seen her?) I know a lot of people are saying to ignore this part of the situation, what if it was a dude, blah blah blah. But really, the fact that it is a woman is a big part of why the situation is a problem. So be open about this part with your husband and discuss that because she is a single woman, you would be comfortable with some established boundaries. Specifically regarding her answering the calls. That was just rude to pick up his cell phone in such a familiar manner without giving you the "receptionist" treatment. Possibly also some boundaries regarding meal times. If you really think that would make you more comfortable.

I also think to become more comfortable with the situation, you need to go down there for yourself and have lunch with him one day to set your mind at ease. Meet the assistant. Feel her out. See the office, how it is spaced, who else is around nearby. Make time for this, I think it will help. And if you already have the lay of the land in this regard, just go our of your way to get over there every couple weeks, or once a month to bring him lunch or something. I feel that will take away a lot of the "unknown" of the situation for you.

You need to reframe how you look at this. Yes it is not an ideal situation but you trust your husband and you can deal with this. Communication is open, he shares with you, he is a goood guy, you are a tuned in and caring wife. Aint nothing gonna happen right under YOUR nose, right? So continue to stay tuned in and rest assured that this situation is completely manageable without going down a bad path. Stop the drama, the stress and the tears. Its the situation you have, and you have to do what you need to do to be comfortable with it. The tears and drama are not helping. But communicating calmly with your husband, being closer to the situation and getting to know the coworker may help. Focus on those things.
Good luck.

I tend to agree with everyone. I think you are over-reacting a bit. If it was a male co-worker, you'd likely have no issue. I don't know that she needs to work on her phone skills, she probably just saw it was you and was comfortable enough to just tell you that he was busy. My husband will do that if he's busy, he will just say, I'm busy, call you back later. If they wouldn't have answered, it likely would have sent your mind racing. I agree with the others, stop by and do lunch with him or them. Might be nice to get to know her. She may not be as bad as you think.She can't steal him from you. He has a family with you and work with her.

If you trust him, you have to relax. But you also need to tell him he has to train her that family calls have to go through to him and how to answer a phone in a mature way.

She is NOT stealing him - she works with him; it "feels" like it, but feeling isn't reality. She is a co-worker. If you let jealousy push you, then you will CREATE issues. STOP.

DO YOU TRUST HIM? That is the point. My husband has had to spend 6 months away at jobs, and could have cheated the entire time. I trust him and know he didn't. I didn't either.

If there is a way to spend lunch together occasionally, or set up a time when you can talk, do that. Spend your energy on fostering the connection between you and your husband and stop wasting energy on worry. Text him sweetness when he's on the way to work. Think outside the box and stay connected.

Amy J had a lot of good things to say. Re-read it.

It isn't that she is doing anything wrong necessarily, nor necessarily is he. However, most men (who are as good as you say your husband is) will not have a problem keeping their marriage safe. Safeguarding himself and your marriage from all the "what-if's" is part of a good marriage.
In my mind, it is like all the couples who think it doesn't matter if their spouse (him or her) goes out barhopping or men to titty bars. If they don't touch, what is the harm, right? Well... why even put yourself in that position of temptation!? If you are safeguarding your marriage, you don't.

So, he can be more proactive in safeguarding your marriage. It doesn't mean he is doing anything wrong. But there is more he can do to be proactive. Why can't the door stay open? Is there a landline for the office? If so, then there is NO reason for her to ever touch his cell phone. I realize I may be a smidge older than some of the other people who have responded, and I think the younger set see cell phones as a much more personal item. So I wouldn't think she would want to answer it. I will answer my husband's if he isn't around. And he will answer mine, if I can't get to it. But I would NEVER answer anyone else's... maybe my Mom's if she asked me to. Maybe different age groups view it differently.

If there is an office line, that solves that right there. You call on the office line. Then if she picks up she can be professional (which she SHOULD know how to do). The reason it was so weird, is that it was his personal phone.

And the meal sharing thing. Ugh. If they are both getting takeout and one is running and they are eating together, fine. No big deal. But if they are sharing plates... splitting entrees, or whatever... um. NO. That is inappropriate. Unless they order a pizza.

Hi R..
It is challenging to give advice on issues such as this. My husband works with nice women around him. I trust him 100% -- he is not the type of person to betray me.

You write you also know he would not betray you...If you believe that, i would try to act on that. Does that make sense?

Having said that, can you guys meet for lunch or coffee during the work day once or twice a week? My husband and I try to do breakfast or coffee once a week. Not because I don't trust him. But because it is just the 2 of us and we don't need a sitter as our child is at pre-school. :)

Be kind to yourself!
Best.

ohhhh.... BIG RED FLAGS GOING UP HERE!
SHE SHOULD NOT be answering his phone. They should not be car pooling together and NOT SHARING lunches. Girlfriend, you need to sit down with your DH and set some rules here. Why did he hire such a young attractive girl? Have you ever asked him that? I dont know, sounds fishy to me. You know, as a wife you always want to believe that our husbands would never cross the line and step onto the other side but sometimes i often wonder if my husband would do that to me?? they are very sexual creatures by nature and sometimes their desires and curiosity gets the best of them! Tell your DH how it makes you feel. If you say your marriage is good and he loves you then he will understand your feelings and respect everything you tell him. I say, get rid of the young attractive girl.. i am sure there are plenty of other people out there qualified for the job! good luck sweets!

I have abandonment issues and I was cheated on as well as my dad cheated on my mom, so I could not handle this situation.

I think it's worth some time in therapy to help you process your feelings and so that you and hubby can work out whatever is going to work for you, in the long run. The kicker is that you can't fire this girl because she is unattractive - that's illegal. So, you guys will have to figure out something that makes both of you comfortable.

My view is that your issue is not with her, but with your husband. He knows (or should know) how uncomfortable his interactions with the employee is for you. If you are having open communication with him, he should be sensitive to those issues and the two of you should come up with a reasonable (as determined by the two of you together) set of boundaries for his relationship with the employee. I find that sometimes I need to take the time to figure out what solutions I think are reasonable before having that discussion, so that I can have that discussion calmly (rather than angry and accusatory). For instance, I would ask that he not allow his employee to answer his personal cell phone - rather, it is fine and appropriate for his voicemail to pick up if he is not available. Or, I would also say that it is reasonable for them to have "inside" jokes so long as you are also an insider on them. If he is also sharing those jokes with you (even when the employee is present) - rather than the two of them going quiet when you are around. If he is not comfortable sharing the jokes with you, then he needs to reassess the appropriateness and professionalism of his conduct with the employee - and change. Finally, he should care about the pain that he is causing you, and should conduct himself in a way that minimizes that pain. It should not be a major inconvenience for him to do that.

Hi R. - I totally feel you. I too am married to a great guy and several years ago he worked in an office full of younger single gals and I admit that it bugged me mainly because I was a hugely jealous person at the time. The girls' youth and lack of sophistication/empathy also came across as a lack of respect (e.g. They would not acknowledge me while talking to my husband at work events) and so I had a huge chip on my shoulder. The real problem started when he shared a cubicle with a very attractive girl who would never say hello to me. To be fair, my husband was not proactive in heading off my jealousy issues and never took the initiative to introduce us to each other but he would tell me that she said something or recommended a movie. Finally it came to a head when I insulted the girl to my husband's embarrassment and we finally had it out. Turns out she was hesitant to speak to me because I always seemed mad and she was didn't want to make things worse or get in the middle of things. She was also newly engaged so had zero interest in my husband. Now, my husband makes great efforts to introduce me to all his female co-workers as HIS WIFE, so anytime he has stories, I know who is involved etc. my jealousy is triggered by the unknown, so he removes that element and it is all good now.

So the point of my story is that EVEN if nothing is going on, your discomfort and upset will drive a wedge in your marriage and sour the relationship with your husband. If he is not being proactive, you need to be open about your feelings and ask him to help and support you in getting over this emotional hurdle. You CAN tell him that you are not comfortable with her answering his private cell and how she answered it. Most professionals would be: "Hi, Mrs X, your husband cannot come to the phone right now because ..... - can I take a message and he can call you as soon as he is done?" You CAN tell him that for them to have insider jokes doesn't sit right with you. As his wife, you are his emotional partner and that kind of intimacy starts with you. Those are the two things from your story that do not feel right to me.

Good luck - also try to not be accusatory when you talk things out with your husband, phrase it as "I feel/felt badly when event A happened" as opposed to "YOU made me feel bad". Men get very defensive at times even when they haven't done anything!!

I don't think your husband is cheating. He is coming home and telling you about all of this which is good.

But that phone incident would really irk me. She does NOT need to be answering his phone, and the way she did it was rude in my opinion. It's not necessary, that's what voice mail is for!!!!

I would tell him how I feel, communication is the key. If you don't it's just going to continue to bother you. Just talk to him.

If it were another guy sharing his office and car pooling, it would be fine, right? In this case, it sounds like she is young and fun and probably not into your husband at all. So I wouldn't worry about it.

Now, as for the cell phone pick up - that would annoy me. I'd tell your hubby to tell her not to pick up his cell phone without his go ahead.

Your hubby is working with this person so if they are going to a meeting and car pool, it makes a lot of sense to me (esp with the price of gas these day). If your husband has given you no reason to be suspicious (sorry, this sounds like your issues) then trust him. And let him know how you feel - whether it's annoyed, jealous, whatever! Maybe he'll be a little more thoughtful of your feelings.

Good luck and hang in there!

ETA - I think it's sweet that she cares about his wife by offering gift suggestions! Ya know, it would sick to be cooped up with some people in an office all day - it's nice that they get along.

You said yourself that you trust him.
You know jealousy is a negative, destructive emotion.
If you let your jealousy continue and/or escalate, no good will come of it.
You're allowing this situation to have WAY too much impact on your life and have WAY too much power in your head.
That said, your HUSBAND needs to have his phone on "silent" when he's tied up. It's not rocket science!

Some of this stuff would bother me - ALOT.

I guess I'm not as trusting as some of the other responders here, or you apparently.

I'd be getting to counseling asap.

JMO.

Not Overreacting and it is time for him to find another assistant! Never should she have spoken to you that way. I would question why she would be so inclined to (in the past when I had jobs with men who were married and were my boss, I was always respectful of the wife) I truly believe that your gut tells you something and has for some time. Your husband may be very trustworthy, don't test that trust.
She should be gone and on another note, if they were ever involved or it came to that, it would be another disaster because she could sue him for sexual harrassment.
I'm not alluding and not trying to fuel your insecurity I am simply upset "for" you.

I agree that you need to sit down and have a conversation with your hubby or this is going to destroy your marriage.

I can definitely see where you are coming from because I have been the single employee working closely with a married employer. The wife never had a problem with me that I know of, but I can understand how/why that would happen. We did spend more time during the week together than they did and we did talk about our lives outside of work. However, I was/am happily married so that probably helped in my situation.

We refer to employee/employer relationships in a one-on-one situation as a "work marriage" which is kind of what it is and how it feels.

I think the gal was way off base answering his cell phone to begin with, but then to say what she said was totally wrong. If he can't talk, he should let the call go to voice mail.

If I were you, I think I would feel better about the situation if I got to know the girl myself. Perhaps suggest the three of you go out for dinner or you bring lunch into the office for all of you or just something so that you can feel like part of and not on the outside looking in.

And no, you are not overreacting. Your feelings are totally understandable.

I am another one saying you might be over-reacting, but I have to add that it doesn't make this any easier for you. It's a tough spot- hubby has given you no reason to not trust him, but the situation still stinks!

My husband travels for work, he has reps in different states that he must go out and visit, and drive around with to different work sites. One of his reps was a young female, just gorgeous. I HATED it. She was never anything but nice and gave me no bad vibes, and my husband was only professional and just like you descirbe, didn't hide anything from me. But men can sometimes be clueless. He texts tons of people all the time, so I hardly ever ask anything. One night we were watching the Biggest Loser, and he was texting. He says "Jennifer thinks so-and-so is going to get voted off". I was like "huh"? He tells me she loves the show to so they text about it while it's on. Of course I said "um, no". He didn't realize anything was wrong with this, and she may not have either. But I felt like this was beyond their professional relationship. So despite the fact that I never worried about cheating, I did realize that husbands can be boneheads. I didn't talk much about them, I didn't want to make him crazy with wondering what was ok or not. I asked about her as much as I asked about any of his other reps. And I always felt better because he talked about her as much as he talked about any of the other reps, I never felt like he was hiding anything.

I guess I'm telling you this so one, you know that you are not alone in these feelings. But two, to offer that as long as you don't have any reason to be suspicious, make sure to check yourself. With my hubby, I realized that the jealousy was my problem, and it was just because I was feeling like a frumpy housewife while he was driving around with this young thing who had dating and clubbing stories. He didn't do anything wrong, so I didn't bombard him. I let myself feel jealous- trying to fight it just makes it worse. I would just let the feeling come and acknowledge it, and it would fade. I also made sure there was nothing I needed to change about myself- was I being the wife I wanted to be? If the answer was yes, then I realized that was all I could do. If I realized I could make more of an effort, I did that.

Let yourself feel your feelings. Don't try so hard to fight them. And the more your hubby sees that you trust him, the easier things will be on everyone. If he is always on edge because you stress about every work activity with this girl, he will become resentful and confused. However, if there are things now and then to 'adjust', communicate that with him in a non-defensive way.

I know this kind of thing is not easy, but don't drive yourself or your hubby crazy while adjusting to it. And find lots of distractions for yourself!! Good luck.

You have to tell him what you are uncomfortable with otherwise it is just going to eat you up inside. You are reacting to the situation at hand. I would try to sit down with him and maybe neutral party and try to setup some boundries that you are comfortable with. For example that his cell phone is only answered by him, he does not communte somewhere with just one female, okay if there is two but never one on one, meals are spent either working or in a group not one/one with some of the opposite sex, etc. Alot of marriages set boundries such as this so there are no I worries of the other spouse. Also try to set aside time each week to have date night at home or away from the house if it allows.

R. I am sorry that you are experiencing this situation. All I can say is trust in your instinct. I would sit your husband down and have it out with him. Explain that you are very uncomfortable with the situation and express your fears of his extra-marital affair with his co-worker. It will be up to you at that point to believe what he says. Just know that he needs to respect your feelings as well.