Husband's Closeness with His Female Co-worker

Does not sound good. Kissing her on the cheek really! You have to have a good talk with him. It looks like he really likes this women. :(

And this is public...Think about what could have been/could be doing/could WANT to be doing in private.

Not good, at all. Is he willing to try counseling? He has serious boundary and respect issues, at the LEAST.

Hmm. Let me tell you another way of looking at this. I'm a retired police officer who worked mostly with men. I've been close to several of them. Being close does not necessarily mean that there is any sexual feeling involved.

I know that a part of the reason that I was close to men is because of our work. I'm a retired police officer and our lives could depend on our fellow officer, tho my life was never in danger. Still, working in a field that requires close contact and dependency does create close feelings.

It would help for us to know what field your husband and this woman are in. If they work closely together it naturally follows that they will be close.

If this is a romantic interest I suggest that you're going in the wrong direction if you want to discourage this. I suggest that because your husband wants you to be friendly with her their relationship is just a friends relationship. Men and women can be just friends.

You are coming across as jealous and petty. I suggest this is why your husband defends her. I urge you to try accepting her and being friendly. Get to know both her and her husband. Go out to dinner or a movie together. By being accepting you are allowing the relationship to be out in the open.

Based on my experience I suggest that your husband is just friends. He is not being secretive and is encouraging you to be friendly. You're taking his attempts as being on the woman's side but I see it as his attempt to include you in their relationship.

Julie, it depends on the person whether or not they use the term, "close to my heart." I have a male friend who keeps all his friends, male and female, close to his heart. I suggest that a man does this when he's not the typical macho man. Perhaps her husband is more the warm and caring man.

"I tried to be friendly so i was talking to her while she was on her cell phone at the same time and suddenly just walked away from me. I told my husband about it that what she did was totally uncalled for and he said,she has a lot of things on her mind."

I do not understand, you were trying to speak with her while she was on the phone?

She walked away because she was on the phone.

Why would you be angry abut this? "I told my husband about it that what she did was totally uncalled for and he said ,she has a lot of things on her mind. I got very upset and i told him that I also have alot of things in my mind more than she can handle but i was never rude to his friends. "

But you were rude. You were speaking with her while she was on the phone.

And so all of this sounds very confusing.

Sometimes I hug and kiss people when I greet them, but I am not romantically involved with them. Some are people I am just very close with them.

I think you are put out because you felt slighted with the incident and then you do not like your husband to be fond of this co worker because she is a woman.

Figure out what t is you have a problem with and the REAL reason this bothers you. Then write it down clearly and then speak honestly with your husband.

I get the feeling you are dancing around the real reason. If you know what is worrying you speak honestly about it. No need to feel guilty. They are your feelings, you are a married couple and can just be honest without confrontation and figure out how to solve these concerns.

I am sending you clarity.

Before you walk away from your marriage, get counseling.

I have to be honest with you, but what you write in your post seems like you easily overreact and maybe some of the things you describe that you are observing are tainted by your emotions.

I don't want to make you feel bad... I used to be very insecure and therefore jealous when I was younger. I would swear up and down that my boyfriend had something going on with someone else, I saw little hints everywhere and my mind went into overdrive... getting so upset about someone walking away to take a call, a kiss on the cheek... that's exactly how I would have reacted.

I would suggest that you find a counselor to help you work through this issue. A neutral party may help you and your husband see both of your behaviors with the yes of the other.

Good luck.

is there anything else going on in your marriage that makes you feel insecure? because if everything else is okay - i think you are reading a lot into nothing.

if you have other problems besides her - then you have a tough conversation ahead of you....

is this woman simply the personification of other problems you feel in your relationship?

I disagree with the people who said to talk to the woman. Your problem is with your husband. She may or may not be the problem, or the cause of the problem. Furthermore, your decision to confront her could result in ramifications for him at work, and not many people can afford to unnecessarily rock the boat at work these days.

I do agree that it sounds like, based on what you wrote, that you interrupted her phone call, which, in fact, would be rude. If someone did that to me, I might have to also walk away (though I might also try to excuse myself first-even with a gesture if I couldnt pause the phone conversation).

I think you should talk to a counselor with your husband together to get at the root of what's going on. It may be nothing, but he should understand how you feel. It may be the beginning of something that can be nipped in the bud. Or it may be that there's a full blown affair, in Which case you deserve some honesty and to evaluate whether your relationship can bs saved.

Honestly if your husband was not just fond of the woman as a dear friend, he would not kiss her in FRONT of you (though tactless), he would not tell you blatantly she is close to his heart.

Your husband sounds like a friendly person who is totally oblivious to how this affects you. Try not to let it bother you so much. Trust your husband. If he wanted to cheat on you knowing how you really felt about her, he would LIE to you and cheat behind your back...Just based on what you said, I think you might be over-reacting!

If it makes you uncomfortable, it should stop. Bottom line. End of story.

Your husband's priority should be his wife, not a co-worker.

I'm sorry I have a hard time believing anyone who says they'd be totally fine if it was their husband. And i am not petty or jealous or insecure. I also got the thing about the woman being on her phone and walking away from you. I don't think you were intentionally trying to interrupt her conversation, and I do think it's rude that she didn't signal maybe that she's on a phone call or for you to just wait a minute. That wouldn't have taken much effort. I know if I had a good friend at work and we were 'just friends', I wouldn't want to leave a rude impression on his wife.
The statement you said right there about your husband getting very excited when she is around is just a big red flag. Only you know your husband though, and if all this is not the norm when it comes to male or female friends then you know something is up. 'Close to his heart' should only be used for family/wife or very close friends. Not a female co-worker.

I am your husband in this situation. I am a very loving, friendly, and kiss all my friends on the cheek. It doesn't mean that I have feelings for anyone else, or that I am hiding something,etc. I am very open about it , and my husband is a very secure person. He knows this is my personality, and has never tried to change me.

I think if your husband was trying to hide his feelings, or not discuss his friendship with his coworker that would be one thing. but , he is blatantly open about it, and doesn't see your side at all. It might be important to discuss your feelings, and how you have even thought about leaving him. If my husband was that upset about something I did, I definelty would tone it down, and respect his feelings. He is my husband. Or, if their wives/husbands were uncomfortable, that would change everything for me.

Sometimes people connect, and develop a strong friendship. It doesn't mean that they are having an emotional or physical affair. That is completely different. Especially if they are confiding in that other person more then their significant other, or sharing intimate thoughts, or beginning a physical one, etc. That is definetly crossing the line. It's all in a matter of boundaries. I know my boundary, and I make sure everyone else does too. It sounds like you both do not know your own boundaries in this situation. Time to communicate them.

This is very inappropriate behavior for a married man or woman. I think you need to put your foot down NOW! This is unacceptable and I would have never allowed this to go on for this long. This has nothing to do with jealousy or anything. The only person he should be confiding in and tripping over himself for is YOU! Talk it out first, be firm, calm and mature. How would he like it if you met someone "close to your heart". I think he has feeling for her. You need to get to the bottom of this ASAP.

*Marda, a man does not say that a "friend" is close to his heart. I don't feel that she is coming across jealous or petty at all. Can you put yourself in her shoes. If your wife said "he is close to my heart" wouldn't you question that? I agree maybe they work in an environment that allows them to be thi close, who knows.

I would look at his past and see if he has ever had friendships like this before. There's such a thing as emotional adultery, but there is also such a thing as a platonic friendship. I have long had male friends and while right now I have mostly women as close friends, there were times when running into an old buddy meant being swept off my feet in a bear hug (I'm petite).

If the situation is so tense that you feel that you want to leave him, then you need to talk to him about the severity of the situation. Consider marital counseling, because the core isn't this woman. The core is your spouse's behavior and your reaction to the behavior. She could be anybody.

This isn't on her but on HIM. He needs to deal with this and needs to respect boundaries. If you're not happy there's something wrong even IF he's not doing anything. You're not comfortable and he needs to make sure YOU are--NOT her.

I'm SO glad I love my husband's "work wife." I have HER put things in his ear for me. Works great, I LOVE that woman! We're so goofy but it works for us.

Good luck.

Leaving your husband because your feelings hurt or you believe something is going on isn't the best move. You need more than a hunch. My advice would be either get some proof or leave it alone. Harping on it will only make it worse.
I've had a few very close relationships with married men I've worked, one inparticular. We are great friends, but mostly during business hours, we rarely talk on weekends or after work, but i would have to say his is one of my best friends and his or mine marriage statics has nothing to do with it. Nothing more than friendship. I'm not saying that you don't have reason to be upset but if you trust him... trust him. Otherwise you have more problems than a friendship at work.

I wanted to add to this after thinking for a bit. The husband is always encouraging her to "be friends" with this woman - right? Well - then it isn't out of line for you to outreach to her and ask if you can meet for lunch. I should have clarified that is what I did when I spoke to the "woman" at my husbands job. We met for lunch, spoke a bit about what was going on, I explained that her friendship with my husband made me very uncomfortable, that we were struggling and asked kindly that she not outreach to him anymore. Suprisingly - she was fine with that and as far as as I know they have not spoken since. It can't hurt and you might find out that you are, in fact, over-reacting.

Can you outreach to the woman and ask her directly what is going on and to stay away from your husband? It's what I had to do in a very similar situation with my own hubby -it sucked and was the hardest thing I've ever done - but after that the shiz hit the fan, it all came to head, we were able to resolve (no sex but emotional affair) and move past.

However - be prepared that she might tell you that she is sleeping with your husband - so steel yourself.

Good luck.

When another person intrudes in your marriage and takes time and affection and trust away from the marriage then that's a sign that there's an inappropriate relationship with that person. When that person is causing tension and uneasiness in the marriage that's another huge red flag.

Your feelings are justified. They may not be cheating but it doesn't sound as if this is a healthy friendship with this woman. The giddiness and closeness and emotional intimacy he shares with her is one that ought to be shared with you and I get the impression that you're not feeling those things with him. He's definitely crossing some boundaries with her and he's choosing not to recognize it right now.

The fact that this relationship upsets you is enough reason for him to pull back on the friendship and delegate it to a professional-only relationship. Preferably, the only contact they should ever have is passing in a hallway at work. If he has the option of never working with her then he needs to take it. He should not ever be talking to her about anything personal especially nothing to do with your marriage or your family, nor her marriage or family. If he sees her in public, a wave hello and nothing more.

Hopefully he'll realize how damaging this relationship is and he'll take his marriage seriously, putting his marriage above this friendship that appears like a schoolboy crush.

I think your housband is very disrespectful.. He know that you dont like this woman and he had the ardesity to kiss her right in front of you! So disrespectful. How dare he let a friend, cause problems in his marriage. It dont matter if you are over exaggerating something. Obviously his friendship with her is more important than his marriage. Just my opinion. Go to counseling before you call it quits

Wow, that's a tricky one. I recently stopped working due to my 2nd child and I did warn my husband about the dangers of getting close (going out to lunch repeatedly, working late, too many friendly conversations, etc.) to a woman co-worker. At first he discarded my warning, but then when the tables were turned, he got the picture. What your husband is doing is totally wrong and unfortunately things could get worse if they continue. These days it's way too easy to appreciate someone of the opposite sex. And even more so if your'e having a spat with your spouse. All of a sudden the other person becomes the sounding board of all your troubles. Then one thing leads to another, and so on. It's simply natural for things to progress with time. You have to somehow talk to your husband and make him aware that what he's doing is inappropriate and that he wouldn't appreciate it if the tables were turned. Good luck.

Like my mother use to say Keep your friends close and your enemy's even closer. Invite the couple over for dinner, What do you think he would do if you paid more attention to her husband? Would he be jealous or not?

While it's possible for him to have a female work friend (my husband has had those), in two years, they should not be so close that she is "close to his heart." Work friends who don't see each other socially really aren't so close. However, if you interrupted this woman while she was on a phone call, I can't agree that she was rude. While you may be blowing things out of proportion, if another woman is causing these problems in a marriage and making you not trust your husband and think of leaving him, this should be a signal to him that if he wants this marriage, he needs to ditch the friend because his commitment is to you. However, if he thinks that you are jealous and possessive, he may decide that this marriage is not for him. Good luck

I say follow that female intuition!!! If something does not feel right about this relationship, I say start preparing yourself for something to go down. Good luck and stay strong.

I have to say that even though you kind of jumped the gun regarding her phone call, there is something amiss going on with them both. If you can get your husband to go to marriage counseling with you before walking out, I hope you'll try that. He is SO wrong about how he is giving her his heart (which is what he is doing). If you really have decided you will leave him over this, perhaps you should demand to meet her and talk about her intentions toward him. That would bring it out in the open. What you shouldn't do is raise your voice at her or let things get out of hand.

If I thought that MY husband was having an affair with a coworker and he wouldn't go to counseling, or wouldn't stop doing what your husband is doing, I would talk to her. Thank goodness I've never had this happen, but I don't think I'd hesitate because if she realized that the gig was up, maybe she would walk away. And maybe your husband will realize that he doesn't get to pretend away his bad behavior.

Good luck,
Dawn

Is there any way you can talk to this woman's husband? I'd try that first and see what he feels and thinks about this "friendship", then if he's as miffed as you are I'd talk to your husband again and lay it down. Such as "this relationship is inappropriate and if you can't end it then I will be leaving" I'd have to say I wouldn't be willing to give a inch at all just based on his "excitement" when he sees her. Screw that. If it means he needs to try to find a new job to save your marriage then that's what it means.. and if he's not willing to do anything then there's your answer right there.