Husband's New Friendship

K., I think you have a right to be concerned, and that's putting it mildly! I think it is inappropriate, but just my 2 cents. I would feel VERY uncomfortable about it and ask him to back off a bit.. Again, just my 2 cents.

You're absolutely not over-reacting. He needs to keep complaints about yall's marriage with you and only you. To me this sounds like the beginning of a borderline emotional affair. What concerns me is that if you are fighting, he should spend his time and energy fixing it with you instead of escaping with this woman. I'd put my foot down and tell him that she needs to be an adult and solve her own marital issues. She would not step foot in my home, no question.

If you think that you are overreacting there is something definately wrong with that situation, DON"T TRUST IT or you will be sorry

You are not overreacting--I've been in a very similar situation and my exhusband is now married to my former co-worker.

That he is trying to identify with her must be addressed as a threat to your marriage. A fight in a solid marriage is not the same as a fight in a marriage that is on the rocks. I have to wonder if he considers your marriage to be on the rocks as well. Even if he doesn't now, hanging out with her could lead to him thinking so. His pursuit is not appropriate, and his initiation in the relationship indicates a bigger problem.

I would not allow yur co-worker to come live with you. I do encourage you to establish some very firm boundaries in your marriage and stick to them. You might find it really helpful about now to read "Love Must Be Tough," by James Dobson. It's a Christian book, but discusses well the marriage dance and how to circumvent such things as this "friendship."

And, quite honestly, having walked down that road, I encourage you to seek legal advice on what you can do now to protect yourself if your husband chooses to pursue this other woman. Many attorneys will give you 1 hour free consultation, and it's amazing how much you can learn from a few appointments. I wouldn't wait for him to decide to go for it. If he challenges you on it, I'd just put it right out there that his behavior is a threat to your marriage and you're not going to give him the opportunity to destroy your life.

You are NOT over reacting, take it from experience. Unless you want your marriage to be over just as soon as it has started, don't do it. She is not a friend she is a co worker, and Myspace of all places isn't nothing more than a place where people live double lives trust me I got suck in to it my self. I'm old fashion when it comes to marriage and I believe that the man is head, but you have to put your foot down on this one. NEVER MOVE ANOTHER WOMEN INTO YOUR HOUSE MAINLY DUE TO RELATIONSHIP ISSUES. IT NOT Y'ALL PROBLEM, AND YOUR MARRIAGE IS TOO FRESH TO LET SOME OTHER WOMEN COME IN BETWEEN Y'ALL.
ps. I don't respond to anybodys comments I usualy just read, but I really felt that it was my duty to respond to this one.
K.GREEN

If it smells like a rat, it's a rat. You've already answered your own questions. If you feel really uncomfortable about it...don't do it! You might think it is a gut feeling but I've always thought of it as an angel telling me what to do. Worse thing could happen is you could lose a friend...I would rather lose a friend than possibly lose a friend and my husband.

As it should bother you! I would be very uncomfortable if my husband was sharing our personal relationship with someone else, moreso if it were a female! Having her come and stay at your house- I would NOT allow that. It just sounds like trouble, inviting it into your home. You are already uncomfortable with the relationship your husband has with her, having it more intimate, living together...is definitely not going to help it. And personally, not sure I would trust the entire situation. You are not overreacting. You need to put your foot down, quickly about her having been invited to stay with you. It is your home too, and tell him it makes you uncomfortable and you don't want her staying with you. Then (if it were me), I would let him know specifically what about their relationship is bothersome to you. And if he goes on about you never talking to him when you approach him, point out that is what you are trying to do...and besides it is a whole other issue, one that you are willing to discuss with him after this issue...but NOT together, as it is combining the two issues, which are seperate.
K.

Nope K., you are not over reacting. We can all have compasion for others, especially when they are going through rough spots in their lives, but for a man that is married, he has gone way too far in that compasion for this co-worker.

He needs to completely drop ties to her after work. No man who respects his wife should be 'over' visiting with another woman on line or in person. I'm not saying a 'hey' here and there on line is terrible, but to have him want to spend time with her while she is going through this, is crazy! There has to be an underlying reason he would consider spending time with her. Then to think they are going to add alcohol to the mix is just dumb!

No way would I have her living in my house either, she needs to find a girlfriend, family member or just her own place to live if she is leaving her husband. She and your husband both are being very disrespectful to you if they continue to have time together other than work. He needs to focus on his family after work and grow that relationship. If he wants to be flirting with a woman it should be you.

Be frank with your husband and tell him that you will not put up with him socializing with this other person. She is obviously not thinking clearly, or she would not be trying to cause problems in your relationship with your husband. If he is not happy with his wife and marriage, he sure won't be fixing it by 'blowing off steam' with her! Tell him to go run around the block, and come back and sit and have a beer with you. You don't look outside your relationship to fix problems in your relationship...and how would that work for you, if the shoe was on the other foot? Do you think your husband would be OK if it was you instead of him? If he says it would, he is lying.

There are a lot of responsiblities when we get married, and sometimes we miss things that the single life had for us, but let's not forget how lonely, stressful and empty being single can be too. It takes many years to get through all the different things being married can bring, but looking to another woman, for him would be a big ol' mistake!

Hang in there girl! I just hate to think that sometimes in the middle of things like this, that we can get so blurry! You are not over reacting, you are sensing what could turn out to be a big wreck in your marriage if things continue as they are going.

R. in Virginia

Has this woman said anything to you about this "friendship?" If not, then it looks like she doesn't want you to know. You NEED to approach her and try to have a reasonable talk with her.

It was totally wrong of your husband to invite her to stay with you without consulting you first. I would not want her in my house - too many people and animals.

Talk to your husband or at least try to. Maybe you will have to "go the extra mile" and put some "spice" back in your relationship with your husband.

You really need to sit down with him and talk this out. This cannot wait if you really want to save your marriage. Maybe he is a faithful and trustworthy man, but it sounds like he should be discussing this with you instead someone else, especially someone from the opposite sex who is going through the same thing! You may want to talk to a counselor or pastor, but I would get this out in the air as soon as possible because the longer you wait, the further this relationship will develop between them. Good luck.

Be very careful on this...talk to your husband and let him know how you feel...don't let her stay with you and your family...rumors usually are true...i hope things work out for you in the end.....

Yes this would make me uncomfortable as well. I know people say its ok for males to have friendships with females but under this circumstance, your female friend sounds to be having personal problems of her own and though I am not saying your husband would be inappropriate with her, its really sticky ground for them to be blowing off steam with each other. If you guys are having some issues, it should be discussed b/w the two of you and not some outside source, particularly is that outside source is another female who is herself in a not so good situation. You are definitely not overreacting. And about her staying with you guys, OUT OF THE QUESTION>...My mom alwasy said unless they are family, a woman should never allow another female to nest in her home. It sounds old fashion, but at 32 I've realized my mom to be right about a lot of stuff..Talk to your husband about the way you feel, he may not get it at first but something tells me he would be pretty annoyed if you had the same relationship with a male freind.

PS - Glad to hear it is going better. Sounds like you may have a pretty good guy - keep at it!

Hi - I think this is simple. I wouldn't presume that there is an affair. However, the two of you need to be relying on each other in times of stress and not outsiders. He needs to know you are uncomfortable and that should be enough for him to stop - if he wants to hang out with her and be her friend, then you should go too and be friendly and supportive to her! I think asking her to move in is over the top, especially given how you are feeling. I would sooner loan her some money to get on her feet than have a stranger living with me and my kids. If that does happen, then I suggest firm groundrules in terms of the duration of her stay and her role in the household (establishing family-only time and family-only spaces).

There are a dozen rational and valid reasons why you are uncomfortable and he simply needs to be told in a non-aggressive way, and then he needs to respect your feelings 100%. First, she knows you professionally and shouldn't be privy to the details of your marriage. If you know gossip about her, then there may be gossip about you too. I wouldn't worry about her personal ife too much since she seems comfortale letting your husband talk about your's.

Second, issues of the marriage should not be discussed with friends or family (male or female). I feel that this is one way he is violating your trust. However, that means you can't dish to your girlfriends about him too.

Third, you suspect she is capable of inappropriate behavior and you don't want your husband in that situation.

And finally, and this is the big one, let's face it - you are having some trust issues. Maybe that is unfair to your husband, but it is natural. Going "out for drinks" is a date activity. If she needs friendship, let her come over for coffee in your living room with you there - not drinks in a bar alone with him. He needs to be understanding about that. Perhaps he would feel the same way if the positions were reversed.

To be fair to him, you need to work on the issue of trust. You may need to apologize for checking his e-mail - but I think that loving you means understanding how you are feeling about this. But maybe he has done something to lead you not to trust him (other than discussing your marriage with an outsider)?? In that case, there is even more reason for him to behave differently in this situation. Seeing your bio makes me wonder if this is a second marriage for one or both of you. Perhaps you need some brief "counseling" to develop some healthy communication strategies and overcome bad habits developed in earlier relationships.

Bottom line, if you are uncomfortable, he should be working with you to make you comfortable. Just make sure he knows how you feel before you start makng accusations (or saying things he might interpret as accusing).

K. - You have every right to be concerned. You are not being overly sensitive. I think you need to have a conversation with your husband about your concerns and you need to let him know you read the e-mail he sent her about your arguments. What goes on in your house should stay in your house. I would have a problem with my husband inviting any female who was not a relative to come stay at our home and I certainly would not allow that to take place. I would also be concerned that your husband is inviting a woman in a very vunerable condition out for drinks to "blow of steam". That is totally inappropriate behavior. Additionally, your co-worker should find another e-mail companion -- preferrably a girlfriend to tell her troubles to and I think you should have a conversation with her that you and your husband feel uncomfortable hearing about her marital problems.

Ug... I am so sorry to hear that it did not go well when you confronted him. You were definitely right to confront him. The relationship he has developed with your co-worker is unacceptable. It sounds to me like you guys should really talk to a councilor, but please know that you have not done anything wrong.

Um no you are not overreacting. He isnt too bright letting you onto his myspace page knowing full well you could run across that stuff. He is asking to "get caught". So why not approach him and let him know you find what he is doing inappropriate. I am sure one of his guy friends would lend an ear to his "marital issues". Where as confiding in a married friend of the opposite sex having major marital issues is a breeding ground for an affair...In My Opinion.
I totally agree w/ Kim H. on this one as well.
I just read your "what happened" and am glad to hear you had it out w/ him. And as for you invading his privacy by reading HIS emails...yes this might be true, but why was he so upset about it if he has nothing to hide. When my husband and I married we truly became ONE, one email, one myspace, one phone number, one bank account........ there is NO room to hide and it eliminates avenues that can breed dishonesty. As for the other woman, the moment you suspect she is sniffing around I'd immediately let her know to bug off. Why live with the thought that she could come around at any moment, just rid yourself of the possibility once and for all. GL>

Hello K.,

No ,you are not overreacting. First of all ,your husband's intentions maybe innocent but his actions are setting the climate for something else to possibly occur between the two of them. Any problems that she is having should be discussed with a marital counselor not your husband. In the mean time if she needs someone to talk to she should find a FEMALE friend. When discussing this with your husband use wisdom. Tell him that you do not want any negative energy to come into your home and you do not wish for him to continue talking with her. Under no circumstances should she move in with you guys. She should find a friend, cousin, mother,father to live with if she feels she needs to move out.

I am a mother of three and married for 10 years. Things don't just happen and most people start out meaning well but people are human. You must safe guard your marriage at all costs.

signed wise counsel

don't trust her! and for your husband...you need to let him know you know. He should be talking to you if he's has a problem with what's going on with you two, not her. From what you described it's sounds like a one-way ticket to affair city (if not physical, at least emotional). And how can he invite her to stay in your home and not clear that with you? That's not a partnership. You two need to go to counseling if problems are happening...not the bar with another woman.

Hi K.,

Both, your husband and co-worker have symptoms called "victim mentality." They are both blaming each other's partner for the misery they feel. "Misery loves company."

I would suggest that you find the nearest Al-Anon Support Group in your area. It is for family and friends of Alcoholics. (I'm not saying your husband is an alcoholic, but he likes to go out and drink.)

I would also suggest that you and your husband go to Family Mediation to look at the source issues that are going on between the two of you.

Norfolk has a Community Mediation Center at ###-###-#### to find a mediation center near where you live.

I suggest that you find a confidant to keep you focused so that you don't confront your husband and point out his defects. Focus on being happy with your two boys, going to work and keeping your home intact. Be loving and sweet to your husband.

Stay focused on yourself and not be caught up into what your husband is doing.

Good luck. D.

Get rid of her fast! She is a temptation, and he is being tempted.. If he asked her out for drinks, that is a date in my book. Id talk to her, tell her how its making you feel. Be nice, afterall it might be the first time she learns that what she is doing is a problem.

Then talk to your husband. Id go as far to demand he delete his MySpace acct. Or at least have him prove to you he doesnt need it by not getting on for a week or sharing his password with you so it can be a joint acct and a MySpace page for the both of you? Just ideas..

I think he could also use a counseling session too! He needs to see how badly hes hurting you. You are definitly not overreacting. Ask him how he'd feel if the table were turns and you invited one of his friends to stay or asked one of his friends to drinks.

He should NOT be reaching out to her, and he should definitly NOT be inviting her to stay with you!! That is a decision that takes two, not just him. Thats your home too and that is definitly an imposition and any working bother with two young kids.

Does your work provide any sort of employee assistance program? A lot of big companies do, and this includes 3 free counseling sessions a year (most common).

Good luck!

Wow, this is a tough one. I have guy friends, so I know it's ok to have platonic relationship with the opposite sex, but I don't usually talk about my marital ups and downs with them. I think I would probably feel uncomfortable as well. If my husband and I argue, I either talk to my mother or female friends. I realize that guys don't usually talk about this stuff with each other, so maybe that's why he feels more comfortable telling her?? Either way, I would just be honest with your husband. I would just say that it makes you feel uncomfortable, and ask him how he might feel if you had a guy friend that you went out with and had drinks. I wouldn't approach him accusingly though, because then he's automatically going to be defensive. Just let him know your true feelings. Good luck.

Whoa, girlfriend! Put the brakes on that relationship ASAP!! You are NOT overreacting, and you're not "getting into her business". She's invited you into her life when she started leaning on your husband. I suggest you immediately put some hedges around your marriage. What does that mean?

1. Have a serious conversation with your husband about the nature of that friendship and see where his heart is. Don't nag, don't argue, but make sure he knows your antennas are up and alert. If there's nothing going on, then he would not be opposed to the BOTH of you going to have drinks to "blow off some steam".

2. Talk to that woman. Let her know what the boundaries are around your marriage. You can't control him, but woman to woman, it's time for a heart to heart. Don't get ignorant and argumentative. If she really wants help, she'll take it from anybody who offers sound advice, not just your husband. If anybody gets upset (her or your husband) there is probably cause for concern.

3. Don't get jealous, don't get envious, or feel wounded. PROTECT your marriage and your family. When you start acting the part of the jealous wife, it will cause you to do some strange things. But while it's still early in their "friendship" everybody needs to know that EVERYBODY knows what's being said to whom.

4. Above all pray that your husband makes the right choices for his family. you can't be everywhere he is and don't try to be. Whatever he does is what he does, but don't sit idly by while another woman is getting "comfort" from your man.

Women are very funny creatures...I know because I'm one! haaha. We seek refuge the first safe place we find. Right now it's your husband. Help him see that her problems are not innocent and for right now he is the hero. He is a great father (I assume), a wonderful husband (I assume) and he doesn't beat his wife. Suddenly he is the most attractive man around because the grass is greener. She needs to realize her grass would be green if she watered hers too.

Hon, If you feeling uncomfortable its for a reason. god gave us all this thing called intuition so use it. It is very inappropriate for this to be taking place. Doesn’t she have any female friends to lean on?

I had a very similar situation with my husband of only a few weeks. I discovered texts and even received a phone call from a woman about things only my husband could have told her. So after 4 months I asked him to leave.

Now I am not saying you should do that by any means, but he really needs to check his motives behind befriending and moving this woman into your house with your children. This is tremendously disrespectful and I would suggest that you two attend counseling.

If you are uncomfortable, then something is WRONG. Listen to your gut, it is telling you something is not right with this. Your husband should NOT be telling another woman every time you two have an argument. I found out the hard way, this will not go anywhere but BAD in a hurry. Tell him you do not like him talking to her about the two of you, and she needs to find a FEMALE friend to confide in, and he needs to find a Male friend to confide in. Having her in your house will not do your marriage any good at all, and once she is in there, how long will she stay? She maybe nice and all that, but when two people of the opposite sex get together to commiserate about their spouses, that is going down the old slippery slope. HOw did he get to be such good friends with one of YOUR female co-workers in the first place? Put your foot down now, and nip this before you are really sorry. This sounds a little abrupt, I know, but trust me, don't let this go on if you want to keep your marriage in one piece.

you are NOT overreacting. There is something starting there. A bond. This is how affairs start. Lots of times it is innocent at first. Break the computer by accident. Pretend to start chatting with a man and then when he gets upset make an agreement to both stop. DO SOMETHING SOON!!
Its already headed in the wrong direction. Do not let her stay there!!

I'm glad you confronted him. I just read this this morning and it was heart breaking to read. I'm sorry you are going threw something like this.

Dear K.,

You have every right to be uncomfortable. It appears that she is after your man and also manipulating him. Is what she says is going on with her husband really what is going on? Her husband could be reacting to her whorish way. Your husband needs to back off of her. I have seen, on Dateline, similar instances where the sympathetic man is eventually duped into killing the "damsel in distress's" so-called "abusing" husband. She already has him trying to move her in with you, him and your children, which indicates to the damsel that he may be willing to do whatever. This woman is bad news for your husband, you and your children. He really needs to back off. It is not like she is his sister and needs the protection of her brother (that's understandable). That woman knows that your husband is a married man with children. She needs to be rescued by her own family and friends. She is obviously neither a friend to your husband nor to you.

Oh my! I think that you need to go at this from a different angle. Take a step back and you need to speak to your husband again!!! Don't start on this issue, speak of other things going on and slowly lead into this situation. Explain that you do trust him, but not her. And try to take it from there...but I would also confront this other woman and let her know that you know what she is trying to do and lay it all out there on the line, talk specifics and tell her that you are sorry for what she is going through, but that she needs to find another "friend" that your husband is not available! Remember keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Beat her at her own game.

been in a similar situation - be very careful! emotions and egos can easily take over. under no circumstances should this woman move into your home with your family - there are certain boudaries that should never be crossed - this is one of them.

Hi,
I would first do away with the myspace account entirely. All it is really is good for is "DRAMA". I have on several occasions thought about opening an account for myself but can see how much trouble it can cause in your personal life as well as the potential for prblems arising at the work place. I would tell your husband you have some concerns about his friendship with his new friend. Be sure to explain that your marriage should come first ALWAYS. And how would he feel if you were turning to another man each time you two had an argument. The marraige is between you two, not a third party. And dicussing your problems with the opposite sex at bar will only result in something bad. Been there done that! And your friend that is going thru the rough patch needs to get thru it without the help of a married man. She needs advice from another (female) person that has been thru something similar to her situation. Would you do the same? Ask you self some questions about how strong your friendship is with this woman? Is her freindship worth possilbly causing family problems? Is her intention totally to be supportive toward your relationship with your husband? Not most likely. She sounds too involved already. Tell him just how much this whole thing bothers you! Don't hold back!

K. 33yr old Married working Mother of 12yr and 8yr old

Hi there,
I say trust your instinct!!!!!! If you think it "stinks" let your hubby know how it makes you feel. Let her know that too!!!! If he cares about you, he wouldn't want to do something that makes you feel really uncomfortable. We all know "blowing off steam" by drinking isn't the answer!!!! It's an excuse!!!!! You guys need to talk!!!!! Good luck!!!!
A.

K. let me tell you something. He is about to cheat on you or he wants to with her. No way in hell would I let me come stay with you. Why is he so adament about her coming to stay. And he doesn't need to be telling her what the hell is going on in your marriage. No you are not overreacting. I think you need to talk to him and tell him that you don't think it is appropriate behavior for a married man to be doing. He probaly wouldn't like it if you were talking to a male coworker. I know from experience about Myspace it is no good, Does he let you see what he types to her and what she sends back? If not then he has something to hide and I would put it out on the table. I am not that much younger then you I am 30. My story about myspace was that I was on it b/c my step daughter was at my house geting on it and her father wouldn't go and check on her so I told him that I would get on it and I did and then I got hooked on it men would send me comments and stuff on the myspace page and i would send them back but I told everyone that I was married with a son and 2 step kids but my mother in law came across it b/c someone pointed it out to her that I was on it. So she came up with a sceam to get me in trouble she hired a guy to try to hook up with me. I knew it was a step up and I told him yeah I would but I would never do it in real life. She then printed out the conversations and gave them to her son and he thought I had cheated on him and wanted to divorce me. So something that started out being innocent ended up almost costing me my marriage. WHICH I WANT IT TO BE KNOW I NEVER DID GO OUT ON MY MARRIAGE. I just don't think that it is right for a married man or woman to be on there. B/c it can lead to trouble.

You are not overreacting. He may not be having a physical affair but he's having an emotional affair with another person. I definantly would not let her move in with you! I would talk to your husband and be upfront telling him how this makes you feel. Hopefully your husband will understand what you are saying and back off. It may not be a physical affair yet but it sounds like it's moving that way.

Oh, you're not overreacting at all. If I were in this situation, I'd address my husband with direct questioning, and ask him to cut all ties because it makes me uncomfortable. I would hope that my husband would comply as I would if he was feeling the same way.

It's a bad scene that sounds like it'll only get worse if you don't do something now.

~L.

You are NOT over-reacting! If your husband feels the need to go outside of your marriage for anything, it is wrong. Whether any type of physical relationship has started between them or not, your husband is playing with fire.
I speak from personal experience and I work in a divorce attorney's office.
Trust your instincts.

I def. don't think it is wrong to read his emails if you are suspicious. I think a marriage is an open book. There is no reason why I would care if my husband looked at my emails either because I have nothing to hide.

I think it is very odd that he is asking her to go out for drinks behind your back. If anything, since she is your co-worker I would think he would ask you to go out with her one night to make her feel better and he could tag along too. I would never let another person (let alone a person I didn't trust) come and live with us.

It's nice that he wants to help but doesn't she have family or close friends that could help her out.

I think you're right to keep an eye on this. Normally, I don't advocate jealously, I think it just pushes people away faster. Plus I think couples should give each other as much space as possible (including not reading emails)and trust unless given reason not to. I think you've been given reason not to!

In this case, though, I would be proactive and I just can't scold you for trying to find out what's going on. You don't want to interfere in her life and she shouldn't interfere in yours. Tell your husband how uncomfortable you are with the situation and how threatened you feel. And try to be mature and stay calm! Shrewishness will drive him further off! Hopefully he'll take you seriously and see that it could break up your family if an affair starts.

She should NOT live with you. If you're already crowded, you'd have your kids resenting her presence to, and resent you and your husband for allowing it. Plus, kids are not blind or stupid, they'll know if something starts. Your coworker needs to be an adult and handle her own problems. Your kids should not have to deal with it.

Here's another thing bothering me; Normally women go to other women to drag down a man that's not treating them well. I dunno about this man friend thing, especially when the man in question is yours. Sounds to me like she's looking for a replacement.

-S

I can see how it's easy to turn to people who are in the same situation as you are. However, I think if you have a strong marriage, you should turn to each other. I know that seems weird, given that you're fighting with each other, but you shouldn't take your fights outside of your marriage. It's between the two of you.

I'd be VERY uncomfortable as well, if my husband were doing the same thing. Have you talked to him about this? I would stress the fact that it makes you very uneasy...and I would also tell this woman that she needs to keep her work life and YOUR personal life separate. She's a work acquaintance; tell her she needs to keep your friend professional, and that includes with the relationship with your husband.

I've seen this EXACT same scenario happen with another friend...her husband claimed that they had a lot in common b/c they were having marital problems and they were in the same job, they understood the stresses,etc. Yep, my friend found out her husband had been cheating on her the whole time. They're now divorced.

Good luck, K.. I wish you all the best.

My Dear K.:
Can you see the handwriting on the wall. This young lady wants what you have. You are not being noisey, nor dishonest when you look into his account. You have every right to do so. You need to talk to your husband, evidently she can not keep her marriage together, she is trying to disturb yours. You need to talk with K., tell her that you would appreciate if she would not talk to your husband about personal business. If your husband wants to continue the friendship in that manner, then I suggest you and your husband seek marriage counselling now, because your children are at stake here. This is no time to be soft about your marriage take a stand and demand some answers here. If you do not, your marriage will take a fall. This young lady is trying to break up your marriage. Be strong for your children's sake.

wow! please listen to your feelings. you NEED to read the book "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard Harley. it is a very insighful book and spells out how afairs transpire and how to avoid them in you marriage. i would seriously read it and also have your husband read it. affairs can grow from two people sharing joint problems such as fighting with your spouse(and it really doesn't help that her marriage is also in trouble). i would not tolerate your husband e-mailing/spending time with her at all. that is completly inappropriate to suggest that she come and stay with you. i feel your pain. the postpartum period is also really hard for men. i think they feel striped of their manhood somehow. buy the book!

You are not over reacting. Ask your husband (if you can handle the truth) does he really want to be married. the grass is not greener on the other side and he's acting as though it is. it is extremely inappropriate for him to be on myspace, talking to someone else about you and even arrainging to get together to "blow off stream". I'm not quite sure that today's generation realizes what it takes to keep a marraige together,but sharing intimates about one's marriage is not the way to go. Him and your co-worker is on their way to having an affair and are hiding under the guise of friendship. Don't be afraid to not let this women in your house. Actually, you should approach her and demand that she stop communicating with your husband. I'd even tell that I would be bringing in her husband about this situation and let your husband know this also. If the husband feels so strongly, he should not be married. You must put your foot, no arguing, just state it firmly. Speak clearly, as though speaking to kids and being authoritative. I wish you luck, peace and blessings!

I would NEVER stand for that! That's a total lack of respect for you, your children & your home. Has he ever had "friends" like this before? Maybe that's the type of relationship you guys have, but my beau & I-we would never look elsewhere (especially to someone of the opposite sex) for comfort.
I would look out. Those thing escalate very easily. It's kind of a sign of unhappiness in a relationship, I think. Plus, whether it's silly or not, he should love you enough to try & understand, even if he doesn't agree. Good luck.

Dearest K. ~

OMG!!!! There are so many RED FLAGS here it's not funny! This woman is NOT your friend, she is a threat to your marriage! End your involvement with her immediately! Your husband is behaving TOTALLY inappropriately and must cut off ALL communication with this woman as well. Problems in a marriage should be handled between the only two involved - certainly not discussed with casual co-workers! The suggestion that this woman would come to live with you is RIDICULOUS! LAY DOWN THE LAW! If he refuses, start gathering the evidence, honey, because it won't be long. Ask him to just imagine the shoe on the other foot. How would he feel if you were behaving in the same manner? If he says he wouldn't care, he's either lying or he truly does not care about you or the marriage. You two need to start seriously communicating and most likely need counceling. You MUST stay STRONG for the sake of your children. This kind of behaviour is no example to be setting for your boys! I wish you the very best and be strong! ~ K.

Hate to say it but am sure you are not over reacting...I would be very cautious about how to proceed with this. Even though nothing may have occured up to this point, it might not take much for it to continue. I would ask your husband to limit his interaction with her only while you are present or not at all. tell him that you are uncomfortable with how things have progressed and think she should be putting the kind of effort and attention she is giving your husband into her relationship with her own. Maybe you should tell them both that she should seek counselling from a professional and not just seeking the advice from friends. Good luck.

i was in a similar situation after moving to the dc metro area pregnant. it was a really hard situation as i gave birth and my husband was never here for us. in my case we are doing well and are stronger than ever, but not after many problems. my husband had met a female who was single when he started working in the dc area. he was staying at a hotel until our house sold and started to hang out with her. they met at his hotel bar. she owned her own business and asked for assistance from my husband - one of his strengths. he is a nice guy - one of the reasons i fell for him and he helped her. he thought she was a good friend. i realized early on that she was trouble. he finally cut off all contact with her after i spoke with an attorney. i never confronted her nor did i feel i should. it was between my husband and i. she is completely psycho now. she has shown up drunk at his office - claiming he owes her money and office security has escorted from the property, which is so ironic as she owes us a large amount of money, which he lent to her without discussing with me.
if you want more details, contact me off list. it was a nightmare. i wish you all of the best.

K.,
As others have commented, you are NOT overreacting and neither you nor your husband are 'friends' with this woman to let her into your home with you and your children. As my husband and I always say, people will do what they truly want to do anyway--so if your husband is looking to fill a void (his own void) then he will do that regardless, he'll just try to make it seem like your the one pushing him to the edge because people like that need a scapegoat, they can't account for their own misgivings. PLEASE know that you are doing what you should do for the well-being of yourself and your kids. Marriage is a sacred bond and if your husband cannot respect the vows he took, then let him know that maybe he should take the time to think about why he got married in the first place--you didn't force him into this! I wish you the best of success with this and don't feel that you have to stay and put up with this man's ways when its not making you happy or bringing out the best of your character.
As someone else mentioned to, keep this girl very close, let her know that YOU know she talks to your husband and don't let on that it bothers you..mention it casually one day.

Take care,
Dani

Be worried, be very worried. I'm sorry that I am being blunt, but you and I and probably everybody else who has read your e-mail sees where this thing with your husband is headed. I think you need to get the kids out of the house for the evening, if possible, and have a good long talk with your husband. DO NOT BE ACCUSATORY! Stay calm. He will insist there is nothing going on, and at this point, there probably is nothing going on. But it is headed there. Believe me. I've been there, but I was the woman. Unfortunately, I fell in love, he didn't. Please, if you want your marriage to continue, get some counseling. But also, you need to get your husband to stop talking to this woman. And you may have to go to her and tell her to back off! Her actions are highly improper!

Hi K. - You are not overeacting to this new "friendship" and you should be uncomfortable. This person should not even be allowed to visit your home, let alone stay temporarily. Meeting for drinks to "blow off steam" and emailing will only lead to trouble...if it already hasn't. If you were having this type of friendship with another man would your husband think it's ok? I bet not. Stand your ground.

K. -

You are NOT overreacting. If nothing is going on yet, the stage is being set for something to happen. Your husband is essentially letting this woman into your marriage -- and three is definitely a crowd! Under NO circumstances should this woman move into your home. As so many have already commented, some serious, deep discussion with your husband is in order. Trust your instincts, they are dead on. Good luck -

A. T.

Hey K.!

Doesn't sound good to me. First off, he need not be talking to this woman about your business and he need not care about her business. What happens at home, stays at home. Him sharing your issues with her, gives her the fuel to add to the fire by being the exact opposite and that's how "players" and "playettes" get in the gate.

Second, the only other woman that my man better even THINK about living in MY house would be my momma, his momma, or a grandmomma. Not even a sister, a cousin, etc., but definitely not a co-worker that you probably don't know from Adam. Stay strong and make sure he understands where you are coming from. Use a lot of "sweeties" and "babys" and nice little words of endearment to soften the blow. It throws them off their game.

Someone once told me that in order to maintain a solid foundation for your relationship/marriage, you must interact with individuals that have a solid relationship/marriage. People with drama need not be welcome and they need to know that they are not welcome. Single people need not be welcome and they need to know it. You must know that your foundation is unbreakable because these people pose a threat. I know. I no longer have a relationship with my youngest's father because of my single unhappy female friends and his single or married and acting single male friends.

Good luck babes and i hope ya'll can get this sorted out quickly!

D.

You are not over reacting. If you feel uncomfortable about the situation, that should be reason enough for your husband to discontinue the friendship with your co-worker.

You are not over-reacting at all. You need to put your foot down right now and have him stop this friendship!! If he is asking her to meet for drinks to blow off steam, this could turn into something it shouldn't. Right now, go talk to your husband and let him see your side of it. Ask him to put himself in your shoes and ask him if he would like it.
Good luck!!!!!

You need to end the my space, that's how I caught my soon to be ex husband cheating. The content of what they are talking about is not good. You need to do something quick. I think an arguement with him will just drive him to want to get together with her for drinks. That's not it.. Maybe you should become her friend and remove him from the picture. There is a saying "Keep your friends close, Keep you enemys closer" Think of this as war, but be crafty. Try not to let her in your house, she has to have other family, friends some one other than your family household. Good luck, hold on tight to your family.

Hi K.,
Okay for one don't you dare feel guilty for looking in his email. You are married so hiding things from eachother is not an option. As for the other women this has to stop. This is becoming what they call an emotional affair. I read an article one time that all it takes is one 5 min conversation with an attrative women for a man to start thinking about her. You are the one and only person he should want to talk to about things that are personal (that has to do with you two). I want to know why this other women thinks she can take your husbands time away from you and your family. No one has that right to come in between your relationship. You may not want to see it, but this women knows what she is doing. Cut all ties and don't gossip about this at work then she will know that is bothering you and will try even harder to obtain your husbands attention. There is something I live by and that is you don't mess with my husband, you don't mess with my husbands money and you most definately don't mess with my children. Stand strong because if you were doing this with a man your husband would not be having it. Good Luck and sorry if I came on strong I have just seen this happen with friends and it never ends good.

You ARE NOT overreacting. DO NOT let her stay with you and your family. I do not agree with married men or married women having friends of the opposite sex, because of situations that can occur just like the one you have described between your husband and co-worker. Personally, I don't think that you shouldn't have looked at his email, if neither person in the marriage has anything to hide, then who cares if you looked at his email or MySpace account. There is no good reason that I can think of for a married man to go out and have drinks socially with a woman that is not his wife to discuss fighting with his wife. Not acceptable at all. Doesn't he have any male friends that he can talk to? If it were me I would ask my husband to terminate the friendship. How would he feel if you were emailing a man and asking him if he wanted to go our for drinks? Good luck.

Go with your gut feelings. I wish I listened to mine. My husband at the time(now ex) had slept with several of my "good" friends and got another co-worker pregnant all within the first 2 years of our marriage. This was 15 years ago....long before my space stuff was around. Two months of marriage counseling only to find out I would never be able to trust him again.
You need to end this with them but be very careful. There is a very thin line between saving your marriage and coming off as the "bitchy wife" and off he goes to the other woman. If he needs to blow off some steam, you both need to walk the dogs together and hold hands!!! It will help you two communicate and get in shape at the same time.

Send this letter to the steve harvey show. Whur.

He will probably tell you that you do know what to do.

Married men don't have (on the side) female friends, they are family friends!

I SOOOO don't think you are overreacting. She is a man stealer, probably has been in the past. She should NOT be discussing her marital problems with another married man. My husband and I were just talking about this the other day and agree that an emotional affair (meaning a strong connection and inappropriate feelings) are worse than a meaningless physical affair (which in its' own right is also COMPLETELY wrong!). I believe your husband has developed an emotional relationship with her EVEN IF he has not touched her physically. They depend on each other for support where he should be depending on you. They most likely flirt and it seems to them that their relationship is "easier" than their marriages. Well no kidding! They don't have kids and bills to share! I would ask your husband to IMMIDIATELY end this "friendship" before they cross the other line. You deserve this, do it and be strong! If he denies anything and says you are overreacting, tell him your marriage depends on it, end of discussion. Honesty IS the most important thing. Keep checking those emails! There are NO secrets in marriage! If he gets defensive, he is hiding something! Just put a stop to this before there is hurt and pain! Good luck!

Your arguments should be resolved with each other, not from outside sources. Your marriage will eventually end if your husband continues to do this. Everybody vents a little to their friends, but the fact that she is in a vulnerable position, a member of the opposite sex, and things like 'going out for drinks' are being proposed make this all a very bad situation (I don't need to tell you what alcohol does to a person's judgement...). It is completely inappropriate behavior.
I see that you have a new baby. Congratulations! I obviously don't know what your arguments are like, but I know after I had my daughter and my hormones were still adjusting, I could get upset and emotional over the smallest things and arguments could get full blown for no real reason. Thank heavens my husband understood it was just postpartum craziness :). Your husband needs to be extra supportive of you at this time with all that you're going through as a new (again.. ;) mom. His focus should be directed inward toward his family - not out to some random person that has no true bearing on the quality of his life. I find it especially suprising that he is doing this after the birth of a child in your family.
Good luck with everything. I hope it is all resolved soon.

I don't think you're overreacting at all, and on a sidenote, you need to protect yourself and your children so I think you're well within your rights to "check-up" on him.
How funny that you two are always fighting at the same time, sounds to me like there's alittle manipulation going on there. Bottom line your husband needs to remember that you are a team and no matter what else is going on, you are always on the other's side. If he's forming a relationship with a member of the opposite sex that is comfortable enough to air dirty laundry that is a betrayal to you. Not to mention opening a door to a dangerous path. I think you'd be smart to nip this one quickly. Good luck, we've all been there, I know it's scary but don't back down. Let me know how everything works out - I'm praying for your family.

You are not over reacting at all. If he feels he has to reach out to someone else when he is having a tough time with you then there is something wrong/missing in the marriage. I would strongly seek couples counseling ASAP before this other lonely women tempts him to do something he will regret. My girlfriend just went through this exact same situation and if they had just gotten into counseling as soon as there were signs of trouble the affair probably would have been completely avoided. I would find a counselor first and ask advice on how to broach the subject with hubby because in all likelyhood he will think you are being paranoid! Do whatever you have to to get him into counseling so that he will see your side of the scenerio and see that you are NOT being paranoid. If the tables were turned I am sure he would be feeling the exact same way!!

Best of luck!!!
M.

Hi K.,
I don't think you are over reacting, when two people get married they make a commitment to one another for life and that means no matter what happens in the marriage they should always confide in one another about any issues either one may have. Neither partner should share anything with anyone outside of the commited marriage bond they made with one another. He has no right to invite someelse in to that partnership. He should be more concerned about your feelings above anyone elses and if him being friends with this other women makes you feel uncomfortable then he should break off the friendship. And deep down inside he probably knows that. Maybe you should talk to him about your marriage relationship and make sure the two of you are on the same page, there could be something brewing there that causing him to feel the desire to have a friendly realtionship with this other women but that can quickly turn into more than a friendship if not addressed by both of you together in loving manor. Don't allow your discussions to turn ugly towards one another with fights and hurting words. Remember the mouth(words) can be like a sharp sword(PS:57:4)cutting deep and once you say things in anger you can never take them back. Hurting words will only break down the relationship and you want to build it up. Marriage is about loving and supporting one another and cleaving together as one. (Gen:2:24) There will difficulty cleaving to one another if there is a third party involed. Express your thoughts & concerns to him with love and let him be aware of your desire to work through what ever is going on and don't excuse the fact that maybe the two of you could posibly benefit from some couseling especially if communication about issues is not good. Only the two of you can decide that together and should not be getting advice from anyone outside your marriage. If he really loves you and his family and wants his marriage to work forever he should want to work this out with you and not go runing to someone else and gossiping about what is going on between the two of you.
I will say some prayers for you. God Bless You & Your Family J

Hi, i live outside your country, both many issues are the same here in mexico, you need to become a bether friend for your husband than her, because she is taking control of your relation playing the victim rol, so be careful and smart, because se wants whats yours (sorry about my speling)

No, I don't think that you are overreacting, I think that you should confront the female right away and put a stop to her communicating with your husband and also to confront your husband. This situation could turn into more than a some one to talk to for your husband. I know I've been there and done that and getting ready to go through a divorce. The only thing that has kept me is my relationship with God.

my husband became friends with a female co-worker of his and it was the same scenario. I told him that unless he brought a female friend into our relationship before we met, then he has no business making a female friend. male buddies are fine but a man should not go and seek new female friends while they are in a relationship, and vice versa. Old fashioned advice, sure but it helps me keep my sanity.

OH NO - you are not overreacting at ALL. Obviously we all know that communication is key to any marriage. Many people make the mistake of assuming that they know what their partner is trying to say or how they feel, when in all actuality, they have no idea. The next time you're in a discussion with your spouse, try rephrasing what they say in the form of a question to see whether or not you are correct. Clarification is key as silent assumptions usually will lead to both parties feeling hurt or upset, and unable to resolve any of their differences.

Do you have his myspace account password - if so check it for messages.

Download personal inspector on your computer, it is free........... My BF just downloaded it because she thinks her husband is cheating...it shows all emails sent, passwords, and key strokes...if you do download it, be sure to hid the file someplace only you can get to it.......

http://www.personal-inspector.com/

K.,

If you were not uncomfortable about your husbands "friendship" with the co-worker of yours I would think you were wearing blinders. I imagine you don't like to think the worst b/c of the fact you have a newborn. Newborn or not, unfortunately it has not made a difference to your husband! What they are doing is TOTALLY inappropriate.
It blows my mind that you think reading his e-mails was wrong! OMG, are you kidding!
I would advise you to get an appt. with a marriage counselor right away. Tell him you have made the appt and when it is. If he chooses not to go, let him know the consequences of his choice. I would not let him play this game with you. You deserve better. You are his WIFE and MOTHER of his child. Do not ALLOW him to treat you like a child! TAKE control of the situation since he doesn't have self control! Otherwise, you WILL become a victim. BTW, victims do not make the best moms...

Be STRONG for yourself and your boys! Now is not the time to play "nice"! Fight for what is yours!
T.

You are absolutely NOT overreacting. If you husband hasn't crossed the line yet, he is certainly tempting fate! If he needs someone to talk to, it should be another guy. There are just too many temptations w/having a friend of the opposite sex that you complain about your spouse to! I have been through this, and the internet has led to several short affairs for my husband. I am a church going person, so if you are not, my next thought might bother you, but the Bible says to avoid the appearance of evil and to avoid temptation. He is not doing either. Going out for drinks is letting his guard down w/her even more, and asking for a "slip up". I would be firm w/him. Even if you have to give him an ultimatum. (ME or HER)! Even if you are scared of what he might say. you don't want him if he doesn't choose you! I would say all ties to her get severed, COMPLETELY! Good luck and I'll be praying for you...for your strength and discernment in this issue!

I am sorry that this is going on with you. I don't know how your relationship is with your husband and the circumstances of your marriage. But take this, with all your emotions in tact, approach the woman in your office and ask her to talk with you over in a corner right now or in another room right now "please". Ask her what do she think she is doing? Tell her, what she is starting is not a good thing and you would like for it to stop. If she has any pride in herself as a "married woman" she should know where your coming from. Now be aware that it may not go as you want it to. She may become defensive and not have a decent bone in her body, she may want to continue her "friendship" with your husband and say that there is nothing to it. If she says that, tell her that you understand that she need a friend at this time and he is a great listener, but let's all enjoy this conversation. Ask her for her husbands name address and telephone number along with his email address, so you can call him and set up drinks and conversation so you all can get it together. Now of course that may not happen either, then you take that in your own hand (find him). I'm sorry if my advise is a bit too straight forward. This may even set other wheels in motion, but what you must understand is that if you sit back and allow this to continue then it will. Tell your husband that you want to meet with her husband and see how he reacts to it. Tell him you want to do just what he is doing (talking to men on line and meeting them, even asking them to move in) and see how he reacts to it. Please, Please do not get yourself into any situation that will hurt you or your children. But tell your husband you are not into this type of action from him (with other women) nor will you have another woman living in your home, there is more to this than him being a helping hand. You have children, you have yourself and you have a home and marriage that is all up in a circle. Do not allow yourself to be fooled by the real story- he is dealing with her and now he wants to deal with her in your home.

K.:

YIKES!! This is a touchy situation. Communication is key. With BOTH parties - your husband AND your co-worker.

If you are fighting over her - back off, really. As all it is doing is pushing him to dump on her. While you are upset, yelling at him won't make him listen. TALKING with him will make him listen. I tried it with my husband - talking versus yelling - as soon as my voice started raising, he tuned me out. However, when I took a deep breath and stretched my neck, I thought about what I was going to say, he didn't tune me out. Words that hit below the belt and yelling won't work. You end up saying things you can never take back and 1Million "I'm sorry"'s won't make it go away.

Tell your husband this friendship troubles you. Put aside the rumors, as they are just that rumors. Rumors stem from many different things - jealousy, one scene that was misinterpreted and overheard one-sided conversations - remember playing "telephone" when you were a kid? You can let this co-worker know what people are saying about her - she can either confirm or deny them - but at least you would hear her side of the story.

Explain to your husband that your marriage is important to you and you value it and respect it - you are asking him to do the same. Alcohol and an upset spouse can lead to bad decisions (drinking and driving, etc.)

What is his reason for wanting her to come live with YOU?
Would he allow this if you had a man-friend in a similar situation? If not - why wouldn't he?
How will her coming to live with you solve her marriage woes?

Please keep me informed. I am truly sorry you are going through this. Please feel free to contact me directly.

Take care. Keep your chin up. Stay focused on what's important to you. Remember - communication is key. Communicate with your husband - please don't yell and scream - however tempting it may be.

K....if you feel uncomfortable about this whole thing then it must stop. As for your husband talking to another woman on line, only if you are sitting there with him. It's called accountability. Each spouse should hold one another accountable for their actions. You see, temptations will come in life anyway. We certainly don't need to put ourselves (or allow our spouses to) in a position to "fall." K., don't worry that others may think you are over reacting. This is your marriage. And if you don't stand up and protect it, who will? I pray for peace and protection for you and your family in Jesus' name. Amen. N.

Many times the relationship that is in trouble transforms itself into your relationship either consciously or subconsciously. You are not overreacting. Tell your husband your concerns and if he continues to want to help her, make it mandatory that the two of you talk with her together and only together. Map out what you think could happen as a result of this friendship so that if it does get to that point, you can be there waiting for him with the light already on, so to speak. Focus on your deep concerns about what this has the potential of doing to your family. If you do not think that the two of you helping her will work, diligently find help for her. I think it is an extremely dangerous idea for her to move in. I would also talk with this woman myself. If your marriage is worth it, fight for it.

i my opinion you have every right to be upset and worried. I feel that it is very inappropriate for married couples to have friends of the opposite sex. You can be friends as couples but not singles. I would have to ask my husband to stop all contact with her especially talking to her about you problems. I have seen first hand in my own family the start of innocent friendships that led to affairs. they don't mean to but, sometimes they do, but it happens. I have told my husband to never say never. You just don't know what will happen. We are all human and all it takes is for someone to show you the right attention at the right time. My husband was innocently in his mind, emailing an ex fiance. I found out and ask him to stop. He told me did but then 2 years later I found out he was still e-mailing her. I was very hurt by this and told him that he hurt me because he said he would stop and didn't and then kept it from me for 2 years. She lives very far away so I knew there was nothing physical going on but in his e-mails he said things to her that let her know he still thought of her and loved her. Now all our mail comes into the same box so that we don't have this problem and we do not have myspace accounts. We both feel that they are very dangerous places for married couples to be making friendships. Affairs are not always physical. They can be affairs of the heart. I would try to have a very serious conversation with your husband and tell him how you feel and that you are very uncomfortable with this. If you have to I would talk to your friend and tell her too that you feel that this friendship is inappropriate and would like it to stop. Tell her the stress it is putting on your marriage. If she is a good person she will understand and back off. You are totally within your rights to ask this. He is your husband and the father to your children. Please don't feel bad about being upset about this. You are right to be. If he cares about you and your feelings then he will stop in a heartbeat. Best of luck!

Red light! Red light! You are not over reacting at all!
Asking another woman to go to a bar to blow off steam and have some drinks is not innocent and if it were he would have told you about it and checked with you. The fact he didn't mention it to you and you had to 'find out' suggests he knew how improper his actions were. She may have said no and 'the date' never happened (I'm guessing you don't know) but just the fact that he suggested it makes me believe this is not a one sided thing they have going on. I would tell him how uncomfortable the situation makes you feel, that you have heard some things about her behaviour that lead you to question her intentions with regard to him and that for the sake of your marriage you would like their friendship to end. Hopefully he will agree to that. If not you have a bigger issue of respect to deal with. If he would disregard your feelings that way I would hope you could get him to marriage counseling. If he agrees to cut ties with her just keep a close eye on things for awhile. Good luck.
PS. Under no circumstances should you let her move into your home even for a day. Once she moves in it will be much harder to get her out especially if he is enjoying her company.

You have got to read the book, Boundaries in Marriage (Paperback)by Dr Cloud and Dr Townsend. Amazon has it for $7 and you and your hubby need to read this. Definitely do NOT let her move in with you! She and HER husband need to work this out--too many marriages have "intruders" that have no ill intent but end of destroying a marriage. Be strong and tell your husband thought you need to read this together. Blessings, Ana

Very Touchy!

Ditto to much of what has been written! To add, since you are still in the first 5 years of marriage (when stats indicate marriages are most likely to end), you may want to go to communication classes. Most times hubands don't want to so I would not even ask. However, I would recommend going for yourself so that you learn how to speak up w/ affirmation and love while making your points. Take time to bank positive points by communicating positively about general things and observe his communication style. LEARN YOUR HUSBAND. As already stated and you know---stay clear of that co-worker and don't let her in your house.

However, positive things that your husband can do instead of blowing off steam with your co-worker are: male bonding with other married men. Marriage in those first 5 years is such a transition and with kids even more an adjustment. So state your concerns but DO NOT OWN his issues. Also consider forming and calmly stating your concerns in an objective question.

E.G. Honey do you really want to create/enable a situation of vulnerability between you and my coworker? Do you want to open yourself up to another woman who already has a lot of drama going on in her life and could be looking to latch on to you? The choice is yours just be mindful of what this can lead to.

On the other extreme, since you can't know all his doings, air on the side of caution and preparation. Please QUIETLY put things in place to protect yourself----legally--informational interviews with an attorney, sexually--wrap it up at all times, emotionally--pray and mediate / find that happy place----for just in case.

I am an optimistic realist so my advice is to work toward the best case scenario while also preparing for the worst.

Good luck and talk!

Hello,
This is certainly a delicate situation that will require you to move with great care. First of all, no I don't think you are overreacting. So many affairs start as innocent friendships. My ex-husband and I dealt with this same issue. I think what is important is how you approach it - attacking the girl's integrity or your husband's intentions will only make him defensive. I think there are a couple ways you could approach it:

* calmly explain to him that women in vulnerable situations (such as this girl) sometimes inadvertently get really attached to men in their lives who try to be a listening ear. This makes you concerned about the closeness of their relationship, and wouldn't feel comfortable sharing your home with her.

* maybe say that the fact that you work with this girl makes for an awkward work environment since you and she aren't friends, but she's friends with your husband.

* you could take the "keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer" approach and befriend her so you can kinda monitor their friendship. Then you can all go out for drinks!

* have a larger conversation with your husband about friends of the opposite sex in general, and develop an agreement about how you'll manage these friendships. I'm sure he won't go for you having drinks with a male friend to "blow off steam"

* above all else, I think you should tell your husband that you really love him a lot, and that you don't want this friendship to come in the way of your marriage, which is the most important thing in the world to you.

Hi K., wow... well, you asked are you over reacting? My answer is... you are not reacting at all. You really already know that this is how affairs and eventually divorce begin. Your marriage is still new... Men, by nature, want to take care of a woman.. feel needed by a woman.. This situation is a perfect premise for your hubby's future affair. INTERVENE!.. talk to him now! Tell him, that you are the one he married, you are the one who just had his baby-- this woman's marriage is ruined and whether he can see it or not.. she is on the way to being the cause of your ruined marriage. DO NOT LET HER STAY WITH YOU>>> Your husband was DEAD WRONG to make this descision without you and you don't have the room for this grown a$$ woman anyway. K., you're trying to be sweet and understanding.. that is commendable.. but I'll quote Madea from one of Tyler Perry's Plays (hope you know what I'm talking about but it really doesn't matter) -- Madea told a woman who was being physically abused by her boyfriend that, "sometimes you can be a lady, and sometimes you have to act a fool to get results!" totally not suggesting that you act a fool-- but you have to make your presence known in this situation... hopefully your hubster will listen... and you need to talk to her too-- let her know that while you are there for her... you have to maintain your own marriage.. so she can't come live with y'all. sorry. And you can't stop all contact between those two.. but your hubby needs to know that him talking to any female about you guys problems is a no no-- commen sense says that he'll run to her after every fight and then they'll soon be acting out a passionate movie scene. Don't sit and do nothing.. God bless

L.

You are not overreacting!!! If he needs to "blow off steam", then let him go to a counselor & learn how to communicate with you or go play basketball or run. This is not an appropriate relationship for him to have with one of your co-workers. I would tell him he needs to stop communication with this woman.

I am sorry to respond like this, however I do not believe that your husband should be communicating with another woman in such an intimate way. ...and this "girlfriend" of yours is not a friend at all. Steer clear, with friends like this, who needs enemies. She should be ashamed of herself. Please find the courage to put an end to this so-called friendship, as I believe their relationship is, in my opinion, completely inappropriate. It is time to discuss this breach of your good faith in your own marriage, with your husband. Good Luck!

WOW!! It sounds like ultimatum time! As in "her or me". I had a good friend go through something very similar. Her husband reconnected with an old "friend" and he started bringing her around to hang out and go to bars. My friend thought it was innocent, since he was also including her. Well, after a few months of the 3 of them going out together, he left my friend and moved in with the other woman!
I also had another EX-friend who was the "other woman" and was spending an inappropriate amount of time with someone's husband. In that case, the wife put a stop to it very quickly and I think that's exactly what you need to do!
It sounds like your husband is either already cheating or will soon unless you sit him down and say enough's enough. Good luck and keep your eyes wide open.