What Would You Say to This Parent?

I would say that you should be honest but don't harp on it. Tell her then let it go. I'm guessing that she already knows her young one isn't the little angel that he's made out to be. Nobody wants to hear anything negative about their child but we always want to know if they are driving people nuts. Good luck.

I would tell him Mom... But, first I would tell the child that you were going to tell his Mom. He just may behave knowing you are going to give him up. Then if he doesn't and tell his Mom. Or tell him he can't stay over and have him tell her Why. Bann him for a month or a couple weeks.

Stick to it and do it.

JJ

I would nicely tell her the truth. Maybe she has no idea that he is acting that way and if you get fed up and finally just stop having the kid over, she's going to be wondering why. I don't think that would be fair to her. I know as a parent, I would want to know if any of my kids are behaving badly. Good luck!

Be honest, not rude, just honest. Play dates are all part of the learning process, and kids like that, as unenjoyable as they can be need that socialization just as much! Maybe even more! Maybe you can help him in areas his parents faulter. It's not your job to teach him respect, but you can get him to do it at least in your home.

Hi S.,

Wow! That is going to be a difficult conversation. And it'll require some thought beforehand. First of all, I suggest you schedule it with the mom at a time when neither of you will be interrupted, even if it will only take 5 minutes.

Second, clearly write down your story, as you did here, but alson include your feelings, and why this is important to you.

Third, now for the harder part. It appears that your standards of kid behavior are different than this mom's standards, or else something else is going on. You need to find out what.
So in your conversation with this mom, you'll need to list what you've observed this kid do, and how you prefer kids to behave in your house.
Get prepared to possibly have her feel attacked and then get defensive or even bring up some counter attacks.

One of the better ways to frame your conversation is to use the When X happens I feel Y so please do Z format.
The "trick" is to speak Straight From Your Heart, not to be cutesy or hostile or simply hint at what you think you mean.

That takes courage, and practice beforehand. Try it with your husband and have him play the role of a hostile respondent.
Try it a few times until you feel confident that you can carry it off, and then give this mom a call and suggest a meeting, preferably in neutral place where quiet decorum is almost required, like at a local restaurant where you can share a cup of coffee. And where you're both seated with no distractions, cell phones off.

R. Katz, Psy.D.
www.richardkatz.org

This is becoming a big enough problem that you are reaching out for help. I would mention something to the mother. You would want to know how your child is behaving, or misbehaving, when they go to other homes. The same is probably true for this Mom. Choose the one thing, or area, that is the most troubling to you and talk to her about that one. You will probably see a change in all of his behavior after that. Good Luck!

M. W.

S.,

I would be honest with the parents for a couple of reasons. The parent needs to know how their child behaves while they are in someone's care. Second, you do not want your child to think that it is okay for them to act that way when they are not with you.

Good luck

We have had a similiar situation here in dealing a little boy who always wants to come over, BUT his manners are horrible! In my opinion, our kids know what is expected of them, especially when they are a guest at someone else's home....always remember your Please and Thank You and respect the house rules as in our own. I no longer tolerate him coming over and I did tell the mother one time that he did not listen to me when I asked him to stop running through the house and that I thought he was being disrespectful. The mother took all of this very well, but again we plan our playdates with other boys and have been able to steer clear of this situtation for the moment! :) I know that I don't want my son being around such a poor attitude and bad behavior, it doesn't normally lead to a healthy friendship. Good Luck!

I know you've already talked to the mom, but let me recommend this book to you. It's called 1-2-3 Magic, and although I'm STILL reading it, it's been helping me alot with my grandchildren (they're in my care). It even talks about when other kids are over. Anyway, then you can maybe in the future recommend it to her.

ANY discipline program will work if you use it as intended - CONSISTENTLY. Sounds like the other mom needs some help with it, some subtle suggestions.

S.,

I tell my children they have to abide by the persons house rules and if their rules are more relaxed than mine then my children need to adhere to my rules as well as the persons house they are at. If my child wasn't the houseguest he/she should have been then I want not only for that parent to put my child in time out or send my child home. I absolutely want a parent to tell me so I can correct the situation. Play dates should be fun not aggrevating and stressful.

Have you had an initial conversation with the child to go over your house rules? I would re-iterate your house rules each time he comes over.

I am aware that there are parents that believe that another parent can not and should not correct thier little angels and in that case that child may lose out at play dates.

L. G

In your situation I would call the mother about this other child's behavior before the next playdate/sleepover. I would not lie about his behavior because she should know the truth. You also should not have to deal with other child's behavior again. It is something his parents need to put an end too. Hopefully from your conversation, his mother can help him with his manners and behavior at other people's homes.
Also, I would not dicsuss this subject in front of either child. It is an adult conversation that could cause either child to get emotional and upset if they over hear you talking about themselves or a peer.
Good luck to you! Hope this sitution works itself out!

L.

Why would you say "fine" when that's not even close to the truth? Come clean with the parent and then tell the child the rules for being at your house and that he will not be able to come back if he does not follow them. You're letting him cause unnecessary fuss in your house and sending double messages to your own kid if you let it continue. That said, you sound like just the person this kids needs, since you say you like him in spite of his abominable behavior!

I know I am more assertive than most people, but I would definitely recommend that you say something to the mom or dad of this child.

My logic is that the parents cannot correct the child's behavior unless they know about the behavior.

We have a neighbor whose child behaves in a similar way, and I make sure to tell the child that in our house, we say or behave in such and such a way. It helps to correct the child myself, since everyone has different rules in their house.

Wish you luck!

I think you have to be more honest. In the end, everyone suffers. If there is a tactful way to say that he was lot of fun, that the kids had a blast, but you did have some problems with his talking back and aggressive behavior, you'll probably be ok. Unfortunately, he is probably like this because his parents are not doing a good job. So take this opportunity to help the little guy learn how to behave better.

I'm sure ANY parent will immediately go on the defensive. Nobody likes to be told that their princess or little man has done ANYTHING wrong, or is not growing and learning at the rate he should. BUT, his parents know what he is good at, and where he is bad. Just ease into it, and if you can point out a specific thing ("They were great, but Bobby was a little aggressive and broke a dish, and was hitting a lot today.") maybe it'll be ok.

In the end, you need your sanity too. Good luck.

Peace,
Richard

I would not be offended. It would show me that you as a parent do monitor your children. I would tell the parent and child your rules and that if they are not followed then until they can follow them they would not be welcome to stay all night again. This child is influencing your child even though you may not see it. If it was you would you want to be told about your childs behavior. How would you feel knowing that your child was disrespectful at anothers house and you were not told? You make the rules and by allowing this child to come into your home and disrespect it and your family your allowing him to make the rules. Good luck

When my child goes to someones house I always ask how he was when I pick him up. I always hope the moms are telling me the truth when they say my little guy was good. You really can't blame the mom for not correcting her sons behavior if you tell her that her son was behaving. When I have children in my house I let them know that we have rules and if they can't follow the rules we have then they are not welcome in our home. I would not be offended if someone told me my child was misbehaving, I would feel bad and perhaps a little embarrased but would want to know so I could correct the situation for future, more pleasant visits. If the mom does get offended, then perhaps her and her son should not be welcome in your home.

I would tell her like it is, but not in a mean way. Maybe she doesn't know how bad he is because no one tells her and that's why he's always bad. If she knew, then maybe she would discipline him accordingly and he would start behaving better everywhere he goes. You might be the one to make a difference in this childs life and teach him to be better in the future. I would also have a talk with the child and explain to him that if he doesn't act more appropriately and start being more respectful to his elders, then he will not be allowed to come around and spend the night anymore. It just might work. He might just listen, because he sure seems to like spending the time with your family. He might not have any normalcy in his life and is craving this and discipline from your family.

I would definitely tell her the truth...nicely of course. I would tell her the kids had a good time, but you did have to discipline him some. He most likely acts like that at home and either she doesn't care or is at a lost as to what to do. Either way she needs to know how he behaves while she is not around because she is not doing her son justice by not correcting his behavior. He will be the kid with no friends in school.

Dear S.,
First of all, make sure that you expect him to obey your rules and display acceptable behavior in your home.
Then, yes, tactfully tell her if you had to "get on him" or whatever.
Explain that you do not allow "such and such" in your home etc.
I always wanted to know if my children behaved away from home, good behavior was a criteria for privileges.
He may like to come to your home because you do have expectations, and it is an opportunity for you to teach him some manners and appropriate behavior.

This child should know that if he can't follow the rules of your house, he's not welcome. This is not only for your benefit, and not just for his, but also for your son's. To avoid confusion there should be rules in place for every child, so that your son doesn't think that this kid's behavior is ok. Since you have had to "get on him a couple times for being rude" you need to speek up to the mother and let her know what is happening. If she doesn't know that there is a behavioral problem how can she work to correct it? Be nice about it though but totally honest. You'd want to know if your son acted badly at someone else's home, right?

I would let the mother know what kind of behavior her son has at your house. If I am told how my son behaves and something was negative then I can sit my son down and have a talk with him. I will then remind him of the rules and what is expected of him at certain places.

I can't tell you of an easy way to say it, but just be honest with the boy's mother. Hopefully, she'll remind him of what is expected of him.

You should say that you had to get on to him for being rude. (I should have told my aunte that her boy was rude when I had the chance thats why I am telling you this)

You as a mom, I am sure have been working very hard to teach your son good manners and you can not have that "bad boy" teaching him bad manners! I would not put up with she may be a little offended but its best that she hear it from someone who she knows and cares about her son. You should be a good person and tell her the truth. break it to her easy...but you are doing the right thing to tell her.

If she asks, just mention it. She needs to know so she can help/disipline him accordingly!

Children learn at a young age what we teach them if their behavior is unacceptable then why would you not tell the parent. You are not doing what is right for the child by saying everything is fine. How are they going to know what to work on in the way of behavior if you don't say anything. I would tell the parent exactly what is going on so she can work with him on it.

Personally, I would feel obligated to tell that Mom the truth, especially if she is asking. Either she already knows that he has behavior issues and they are trying to work on it at home or she is in denial. Either way, I think it's best, for the child, to give him a fair chance by leting his parents in on his behaviors. It would be unfair to just stop letting him come over, to both him and your son, if he has a chance of getting reinforcement at home.

If it were my child, I would absolutely want to know and I would absolutely want you, as the parent, to discipline/ correct my child if he was out of line at your house.

I know it's tough. I hope it works out. Good luck.

Hi S.,

My first question is why he always wants to spend the night at your house. Could there be family issues at his house that makes him feel safe while he's in your home?

Family issues at home could be a reason for the attitude/manners issues. Ask him how things are going at home or see if your son knows if things are going OK at his house.

If things seem to be Ok at his house, then, maybe a gentle mention to his mom about his rudeness might be in order. I know if my daughter was impolite in someone else's home I'd want to know about it so I can deal with it because I've raised her to be better than that.

But, if things are not OK at his house and he's looking for a safe place to be, feel honored he feels safe with you and keep getting on him, he may just be craving some structure from someone who cares and eventually, we hope, it'll get through to him and he'll get with the program.

Good luck!!!

I personally see no problem with telling her that he recieed time outs for certain unacceptable behaviors at your house. If she trusts you to watch her child I would feel she might as well respect your opinion. I wouldn't want to set a bad example for you child/children by letting him get away with bad behavior. Good Luck! I know it is always hard to approach other moms about this!

I would say something. I would want to know if my own kid said something wrong. So (for example) if you said "Oh he was jumping on a toy and broke it." And if she just said "Oh he play like that at home", then you know she allows him to act like that at home and doesn't care to correct it. But she could be surprised and then make him appologize and then try to work from there so your kid doesn't have to lose a friend. Just start off by only tell her one thing in way that is in a non-confertational way and see where it goes.

I'm not sure how you are but eather a child minds in ny house or he's not welcome there. Maybe his mother dosen't know how he acts at other peoples house or maybe she doesn't care, I know that I would want to know if my kid was acting up. Stay strong on your beleafs. Also if this kid gets away with it at your house then your child will think he can get away with it.
Good Luck.
G. W.

I don't have a problem telling parents if their kids haven't been acting well. I would so want them to tell me if my children had been that way! In fact, I once had to tell a mom that I wouldn't allow my then seven-year old daughter to play with hers anymore because even though they were "best friends" the little girl would say terrible things to Gabrielle at school and tell other children not to play with her (I think it was because she wanted her all to herself, not for inherent mean reasons, but still). When she came to our house, she would act much the same way as the child you're speaking of. Thankfully, she never spent the night, but I'd had enough and explained to Gabrielle why I wasn't allowing her to play with the girl anymore and she seemed almost relieved and never said another word about it! Have you talked to your son about the situation?

Perhaps you could say something like, "well, my son enjoyed his visit but there were some issues with (insert problem) and we did have to have (a time out, etc). I would let her know if her child is breaking toys on a regular basis, especially if it is intentional.
Try to address the problem in a diplomatic way, and see what she says. Have you had feedback from other moms about this child's behavior? Does this mom reciprocate and have your own child for sleepovers? Perhaps they have different "house rules". If the unacceptable behavior does not change, and/or your parenting philosophies are at odds, then you have every right to limit or end the sleepovers. Just be prepared for some potential complaints from your son!

You may not have to say anything to the parent, but set rules for the child when he stays over. If he does not abide by your household rules then he may not be able to stay over. It maybe harsh, but it may be the best way to avoid conflict with another parent. It will also help on the negative influences that this child may have on your children.

Being the mom of 4 kids we have alot of sleepovers both at home and away. If my kid acts up - I want to know and I want the parent to know that I don't think that the behavior was acceptable. It also allows me the chance to apologize and to offer payment for anything that might have been broken. Also, if the play room (or where ever they were) is really messy, we won't leave until my child picks up. I will tell parents if their child was disrespectful or acted badly. We have the problem sometimes of the younger siblings being treated badly by the older ones friends. I just come out and tell the parent. Don't worry about offending them, they have probably heard it before from other parents and you are the only one who hasn't said anything - hence so many sleepovers at your house! Protect your sanity and also to make sure that your kids don't pick up the bad habits of friends (why tolerate it from your kids friends when you don't tolerate it from your own kids - mixed message?)

I totally understand what your experiencing, having had the same thing happen to us. My daughter always wants one of her friends to come over, but she is very rude and disrespectful, ruins her toys, and doesn't listen. What I did was tell her mom one incident that happened that day. I told her I had let her daughter know that we don't talk like that in our house. She did not get upset, but told her daughter that she knew better. Now who knows if she just said that because I was there, or because she doesn't like this behavior either. You should just let her know that you don't let this behavior slip by you when your sons friend is over, and if she continues to accept your invitaitons, then you know it's ok! If the kid still behaves badly, don't invite him over for awhile, and I bet he'll be begging his mom to come over,and maybe then she'll realize you don't want him over anymore until he starts changing his behavior! :) Good luck!

I would want the other (host) mom to be honest with me. I would want the opportunity to teach my son about manners on how to behave as a guest in someones home. I can understand and appreciate you not wanting to offend her (I would have a hard time, too) but it would be better to let her know so that your kids can continue to play together. If you tell her in a nice tone and not lay it on too thick I am sure she'll appreciate your honesty (I hope, anyway!).

Speak up and tell her. You have said he was fine and I'm sure his parents praised him for being good. You've sent the wrong signal. I would also do a turn about on him and if he is going to stay at your house then he has to behave under your rules when he is there. He will either straighten up or not want to come over. Either way problem solved. My son has a friend exactly like that. Now all I have to say is knock it off or your going home or say what's the house rule? Either one gets his attention and he is a good kid. Now with his mother he runs all over her and she does not understand why he is so different with me. This MOM don't take no _ _ _ _, lol thats why. So rat him out and include him in your house rules. This boy is 6 by the way if age matters. Be brave and speak up. You'll be glad you did.

Hi S.,
What we do is lay out ground rules when the friend first comes over (at the beginning of each visit).

You could say something like, "The rules in our house are: We use our manners, we are respectful to each other's toys, and we clean up after ourselves. If you can't follow those rules, we will have to call your mom to come get you. If you can, we are going to have a lot of fun." You could tell him that he will have to sit out for a while if you want to give him one or two "warnings" before you call his mom.

We haven't had the "pleasure" of having friends over, but I have a nephew who doesn't have the best manners who is here without his mom sometimes and that's what I do.
Hope this helps!
B.

I hope when she asks how he was, she really wants to know.
I think you would do her a favor and the child a favor if you told a version of the truth. You could say that sometimes he IS discourteous and uses language that you would rather not have in your home. Is very rough with the toys etc. Honestly, touch on the problems. You could also start out with what he does right (anything?) and then say what you WANT him to do which is to play more gently (more respective of) with the toys, be a little more polite in play and in talking to others. Tell him what exactly "messy" he is doing and say that has to stop. I am gathering your son wants him to continue coming over, otherwise why would you put up with this? At the very least, this is a bad example to your son. Do you want him picking up these behaviors? Are there other children to play with?
Lastly, I guess that first I would try to tell him face to face that in your house you do a,b,c and that is expected if he wants to keep coming over. Then, when the parent picks him up, reaffirm what you have already said to him. If he continues you really should just taper off the playdates to nothing, if you can't do it cold turkey. This is trouble, no question. DO you need that?

I think you need to be very honest with the parent. You are unintentionally doing a disservice to the child by covering up his misbehavior. Tell her you use time outs for your children, and if her child misbehaves you have to use the same discipline method so it's consistent across all children. Make sure she is okay with this. If not, do not let the child come over anymore. Good luck.

Why are you letting him sleep over? Why are you letting your child play with this person?

I do not believe you can let this mother use you like that. Have you told her and him your household rules. I would call her the first time he mouthed off and have her pick him up. I will not let another parent push me arround and dump their kid on me. I let it happen once. The legal ramifications have been hell. I child was injured and will never be normal again. The other person goes on with their twisted life. The mother knows he is ill and cannot help him because she only gets supervised visits for two hours.

Please tell your rules. Tell him your rules. Your child should have better well mannered friends. Your child will learn to talk back and break things. Remember because you are a nice person does not mean others have the same values. Be honest and truthful with yourself and others. Listen to your little voice. It is telling you the truth. No more over nights if you ask me.

We have a similar situation with a neighbor girl. She seems to always try to get my daughter to do things she shouldn't. My rule is that you don't have to have kids over to your house. I usually explain it this way: We have ruled here and if you can follow them, you can't come over next time. I would say something to the Mom, too. If you say he's fine all the time, she won't know any different. She may honestly not realize some of the things he does. And, if she chooses to ignore it in her son, then that's up to her.

It may be hard for your son to understand if it gets to the point of his friend not coming over. But, again, I would go with the rules you have set in your house. If his friends don't follow them, then they can't be there. Because eventually they will be teenagers and you want to set some boundries there....but hopefully by then he'll be used to it.

Hope this helps. It's hard to sometimes be the "bad" mom! LOL But, I think you'll be happier for it!

S.,

I had an issue a little like this. We were new to the neighborhood and a little girls a few doors down had come to play with my youngest. After watching them together for about 30 mins (outside) I went in for the restroom. As I was coming out I heard this 8yr using curse words. I immediately went outside and said, "You will need to go home right now. we do not talk like that here! If you can control your mouth you may come down another day." She went home and told her mother that I yelled at her, of course the mother rudely came to me asking why I thought that I could yell at her daughter. I explained what happened and that I had not raised my voice. This mother had the gull to then say, "if you have a problem with her, you come to me." I solved that then and there and told the mother and the girls that she was not to come to play again. (I did not need issues like that)

First, I would not say things are "fine". BEFORE he spends the night the next time, sit down and talk to the mom. Tell her that you have not wanted to offend her but he has done things that are not permitted in YOUR home. If you can't do that make a copy of your post and hand it to her. Tell her that you don't mind her child coming to visit but maybe she isn't aware of some of the things he does (which may be true!).
Next, when the child is there sit him down and tell him that while he is in your home there are certain rules...no mouthing off to adults, no breaking toys, certain manners are expected, bedtimes will be adhered to. If he cannot accept that then you will be calling his mother to come get him, no matter what time it is.
What you may not realize is that he may LIKE the structure in your home (he may not have any at his!) but doesn't quite know how to deal with it. Kids like order, it is a form of security, even if they buck against it.
And no, I wouldn't be offended. =) All kids act up at one time or another and any mom that would be offended has issues of her own. I would expect my child to apologize to you and I would take them home immediately.
How do children learn proper manners if they are not taught them?