I Love My Son's Friends Parents But.....

One time, my son's friend said some bad words at my house. I did not personally hear him, but all the other kids that were over told me. I told "Mikey" that we don't talk like that in my house and if I heard him say any bad words that I would have to call his mother and send him home. He never said another bad word at my house over a span of many years. (And I did not address the issue with his mom, because he never did it again....but if he had, I would have let her know. I would want her to tell me if my son was behaving in a bad way.) As far as being "out of control", you would have to elaborate more on that.

Hi V.,
I've always found it useful to let the kids know what the 'rules' are in my home before a playdate. You can either let them know ahead of time what behaviors are not acceptable or right when they arrive and before they begin playing. I usually started with ' Before you begin playing today, I just wanted to let you know what rules I have in my home. Everyone has rules in their houses and some of the rules at your house might be a little different than the rules at my house. In my house I'm happy to get snacks for you, just ask politely. Please let me know if you will be playing outside before you go out the door. That way I'll always know where you are and can help keep you safe. Also, when you are inside the house, there is no jumping on the beds or climbing on the furniture. Also, I don't allow potty talk in my house. If you break any of these rules, I'll 'remind' you only one time. After that I'll call your mother to come and pick you up. I know you like my son/daughter and really like to play here so I know you'll do your best to obey my house rules. Now, go and have a great time! And thanks for following my rules!

You would be amazed how many parents have completely supported this approach. And guess what? It works! I have actually had to send a couple of kids home on occasion (They love to test limits) but it was only one time for each child and the parents were totally supportive! We rarely had a problem since. Also, it is important that you explain to playdates parents what you are doing. Let them know what the rules are at your house and they can explain it to their children.

For example: " Sally, I've been working with my son about our house rules and acceptable behavior and I'd appreciate your help. If you could let your son/daughter know what my rules are, it would save me a lot of time correcting the children's behavior and make for a much more pleasent playdate. Can you help? I'd really appreciate your support."

There is no judgement about their parenting skills (or lack thereof) there is only an explaination of what is acceptable in your home. Remember, everyone has different rules all of which need to be respected. You are trying to teach your own child to respect your rules and that the rules don't just disappear when 'Johnny' comes over.

Believe me, many of my friends have done this with great results. No one gets their feelings hurt. Kids behave better and parents are still in control. It works great all around.

Good Luck.

By the way my kids are now 13 and 10 and their friends are all aware of my rules and respect them without question. And, believe it or not, they still have lots of fun.

Hello V.- I also have a child his age, a girl. She also has a friend that teaches her bad attitudes and a little extreme. They see each other all the time...but playdates we limit. What about going to the park together...Chuck-e-cheese, fairy tale town, applehill, or the like. The kids will love it...and will get their energy out & you don't have to worry about your stuff or incredibly messy rooms all the time. The reality is that our children and friends' children do affect our relationships and create amazing ones to. In addition, maybe have special "Mommy" nights when you and your very good friend spend time together alone regularly. Don't we all need to make time for one another. I know that once I found my very best friend it is a friendship for life based on the fact that we create time for each other to.
Best wishes. God Bless.

You have the right to set limits and rules within your own home and to ask that people who come into your home abide by them.

I have handled this kind of situation using the following steps:

1. Determine what 3 rules are THE most important for the child to follow right now. Try to make them specific. For example, instead of "act nice" you could say "do not touch another person except in a gentle manner."

2. When the child arrives at the home, corral him and your son. Tell them that there are 3 rules that must be followed. Tell them the rules -- write them down on a posterboard or wipeboard if they read or draw pictures if they don't. Have the kids repeat the rules. Ask them if they understand the rules. Then check that understanding by giving examples.
Also be sure to spell out the consequences of refusing to follow the rules. For example, say, "I know that you are going to walk in the house. However, if you forget, then I'm going to put a check on this paper. Five checks and I'll have to call your mom and send you home."
I found it most helpful to phrase the rules like this: "The house rule is that we touch people gently." "The rules in this house say that we walk when inside." Putting the rule 'on the house', so to speak, lessens grounds for arguing with you.
Positively phrased rules work better: Use polite language instead of No potty mouth.

3. Try to catch the children doing the right thing and reward verball: "Wow! Will, I really liked the way that you gently moved Mark out of the way instead of pushing him over." Be generous with your praise -- and specific. Reward approximations of the desired behavior: "Cool Will. That time you skipped instead of running. That's almost a walk!"

4. Be prepared for a certain amount of testing. You MUST follow through on the consequence or this will be ineffective. Five checks means five checks -- send him home. If five checks becomes six becomes seven, the child will disregard your rules.

5. Explain to the other mom what you are doing. Try to do it without blaming her child. For example, say, "Susan, we are trying some new rules at our house. Everyone must touch each other gently, walk when inside the house and use polite language. I need your help to teach these rules to the kids. That may mean that I have to send Will home earlier than planned if he or my son aren't able to follow the rules."
It's hard for a parent to argue with global changes to the way your house is run. By stating a desired outcome (walking in the house) instead of issuing blame (Will constantly RUNS in my house!), the other mother has less need to defend her or her child. She is then more able to do her part in achieving the desired house rules.

I hope this works. I have one formerly-unruly child that has been hanging out at our house for over five years now. It took about 6 weeks of constant review and consistent appliation but now he fits in as well as the other kids that come over. In fact, I've even heard him tell a new friend, "We all walk inside this house. It's the rule."

Set ground rules with him for your home and let him know that he will not be allowed to play at your house unless he follows them and stick to your guns. Dont' be afraid to be a little tough on him as some boys do not repond well to a mother's authority. If the other mother is truly your friend, you will want to talk to discuss the rules you want to set for play at your house (without telling her you think he is awful), and she should respect you for it.

I have a friend whose son is bipolar and he can be really awful at times. I treat him in the same manner as my own children...setting limits, raising my voice as needed and not being afraid to tell him no. My friend respects me for making him behave as he does not listen well to her and the boy respects my house, my children and my rules or he goes home. I usually only have to warn him once...sometimes twice if he's had sugar and I have not had to send him home yet.

Good luck!

Hi, my name is J.. How about widening the circle of folks in your play date arrangement? If you had 2 more families involved it would help to show this particular one that "not all families" feature this type of behavior at home...also, I have finally gotten tough enough to say to the child with the language "we don't say that at our house" or "we don't do that at our house" even infront of the parent, and re-direct the kid to some other activity. It is a lot of work, I know. But it pays off in one way or another...thirdly, I would ask my own child casually, NOT infront of the family,"Do you like playing with so-and-so?" If your child shows anything less than true enthusiasm, then begin to move on. Good luck! :) J.

Dear V. B.,
I was also in the same situation. My friend has 3 children the older one whom my husband refers to as the devil child is 10 and she has an 8 year old boy and 3 year old girl. One day they came over and the older one put all my toiletries down the toilet and flushed them. My friend thought it was funny but my husband however was ver upset because he had to remove the toilet in order to clear it. However, my sons love to hang out with them. When we do hang out we don't go to restaurants we usually go to the park or anywhere where they can be active. Now that he is older he is actually better behaved. Maybe the sevens year olds will mature and also change. If your kids don't play with these children I would suggest that you guys hang out alone, however if your kids love hanging out just don't offer to take care of her kids anymore. Don't do the playdates anymore. Instead go out together to the park, museums or any other place where she has to be responsible for them. Good Luck.

Hi V.,
Are you only dreading playdates at your home because this boy's behavior is strictly destructive to possessions (breaking toys, knocking into furniture/decor, and such)? He isn't rough with your son and his language isn't upsetting when he's at your friend's house with your son? Your looking for a way to tolerate him because he bugs you with his destructive &/or rude behavior in your home? And, your son is buddies with this guy same as you are with the mom? Does that sound right --it's what I think I read in your post and where my mind is at in thinking of a (hopefully, possibly) helpful response. If that's the case, I'd start out the next playdate at your home with some ground rules given to both boys before they start to play. I'd address both boys rather than the boy alone because it might help if the boy doesn't feel singled out -might help if he see's that everyone in your home is expected to behave well with belongings and manners. I'd also outline the consequence (a warning/reminder first, then the playdates ends early if the rules are not followed --maybe two reminders before the playdates at the very beginning of changing to using the house rules, if you are uncomfortable with the first suggestion). Then, just enforce it and the boy will learn over time that he has to follow the rules of your home when visiting. That applies to potty mouth, too. In the end, you may enjoy having him over (after he learns to behave) and he'll get a much needed lesson (even if it only applies at your house). It's actually doing him a big favor as well as you. And, even though your son does not need this lesson (has already learned and lives it), it will help him to see it strictly enforced at home with guests who he see's behave poorly when he's a guest in their home --so you can reinforce the lesson that he must behave well as a guest even if his host breaks a lamp or swears without being scolded by his own mom.
Good luck with it all!

Hi, Tell her and the kid that in your home there are rules and friends need to follow them. What they do outside of you home is their thing and have at it. But not in your home. You want them to come visit. The other mom needs to grow up and take the responsibility just like you did with you kids. A friend respects the home of a friend. How about just you and her meeting for a movie, breakfast or coffee? You could also let your kids know that they can tell the boy that they do not like how he plays and talks. It is your home and family enjoy them and keep teaching them respect. M.
I am a sort of stay at home mom with 3 boys 20,18,15 and in our home I do have ruls for guest if they do not like them the front door is always open so leave.

dear V.,
Probably the first thing to do is talk with your friend. She may be experiencing the same behavior with her son and might appreciate having someone to talk with about it. Then, together you might come up with a solution that fits everyone and doesn't hurt feelings.
Best wishes!

This will be tough but you will only have to do a few times. The first time he used "potty" at your house again, warn him that he will have to go home if he does it again. If he does it again, SEND HIM HOME! He will get the message. Just to let you know, I've taught kindergarten for 25 years and have children of my own. It works and you will doing the child a great service because his mom isn't doing her job.

I think you need to talk this over with the parent explaining your concerns. I know it is touchy because no parent wants to hear that their child is being naughty, but you can't let it go on or your child will begin picking up the bad habits. To be honest, I would tell the child that in your house, potty language is not allowed and if he can't follow your rules, then he won't be allowed to come to your house. If he doesn't listen, explain what happened to his mom and tell her that you want to postpone playdates until her son is willing to follow your rules. Don't worry if the kid thinks you are strict. It's your home, you need to take control of the situation. Good luck.

Jamie

I suggest that maybe you have one to one talk with her. I know you may get nervous about it. Just let her know that he has bad language and it bothers you that he treats people that way, just tell her you can take my advice or you don't have to but in a nice way. and give her some advice to follow that has helped you. I had a friend that was the same way. and also let her know that you don't let your kids do that and you don't appreciate it when he comes over and does it. let her know it is not fair and to please do something about. And if you feel strongly about it tell her you want beable to let them play together if he continues. Thats only if it is gets real bad and she gets offensive or something. But if you do it nicely and in the right way it want get like that and if she is a real friend she will listen to what you have to say.

Talk with his mom and share with this young man that in your home we don't use potty language, give him examples of words that are ok to use. If he uses the language just say ___ we don't use that word(or remember, let's use...), try ___instead. Be consistant. The rules you have for your home should and can be repsected in your home. Sometimes we lovingly have to speak up.
Play dates go to the park, take walks, have limited time inside and time outside. Once again consistancy is the key(easy to say, harder but possible to do :) ) R

Your kid's friends will always act out if they feel like they need some boundaries. Maybe he is searching for boundaries w/ your friend and is trying it out on you too.
1. Set up some rules and consequences. This is your friend's kid, but you don't want his foul mouth rubbing off on your child. Also you don't want your kid seeing you tolerate his behavior - your kid will be far more likely to test you as well if he sees that. Sit both the kids down at the beginning of the playdate and explain that you've noticed some bad behavior recently and show them a list of rules you want followed. Tell them the first offense will be a warning and the second is an automatic end to the playdate. A few playdates like that and your problems should be over. If not...
2. Chat w/ your friend. Tell her your concerns and suggest a stop to the playdates for a while (until her kid seems more in control.) Just say it real nice. Tell her you love her and her kid, but you don't want your kid to pick up any bad habits.

In the toddler years and the teens it can be very important to influence who your childs playmates are selectively as the influences can be tremendous. To avoid having your child pick up these behaviors I would seek out other playmates and gradually wander away tactfully unless you feel you can have a major influence on this mom's parenting style and her child's behaviors when he is with your child.

If you love the mom, make time to be with her-don't impose her child on yours because of your needs for friendship.

When he is at your house, make your house rules clear- to everyone, mom and child. Converse with her before he comes over that you need to do it differently next time. Potty language belongs in the bathroom, you don't want to listen to it, go in there and close the door and say whatever needs to be said ALONE, IN PRIVATE- it is not allowed in the rest of the house.

Tell them whatever else rules/boundaries you need to have in your home; politeness and courtesy, clean-up before leaving, no running, yelling, throwing things in the house, whatever. Then be prepared to follow through- don't sit and talk with your friend while the kids run wild. If they don't follow the rules, the child is sent home- so make sure the next play date is a time when mom CAN come and pick up early if need be. NOTHING needs to be said about your friend's parenting style- this is just the way you do it in your home. You are Supreme Queen of your home- you make the rules and you need to enforce them. Limits can be set in a loving and firm way that is not a put down to the child or his family- you just have your own way of doing things and if he wants to be at your house, he needs to go with your program.

Good luck! It may be scary to try but you might be amazed at the response. Kids like to know where they stand and to please the adults. Give lots of praise/positive reinforcement for behaviors that you want..."oh, hearing that please or thank you is music to my ears!"..."Look how nicely you work together to clean up!"..."My ears hurt when your voice is that loud, you may play outside if you wish to yell"...Good luck and have fun and be creative!

I hope this helps. but unfortunely there are things and people in our life that we just can't tolerate. and I know from experience that it makes it hard when it's a friends child and as well as your child's friend. But let me tell you something. I have been in the same situtation were my friends sons was just plain terrible. the behavior language and the way he treated other people and well that even included his mother. I was like you I dreaded having him over, then it got to the point that I didn't even like going out places with my friend and our kids together, so I decided that I would only do out with my friend and leave my sons behind (because I didn't want to expose my children to this kind of behavior.) However, because we were friends from time to time I would let it slip thinking well it won't be that bad this time, maybe just maybe he'll behave. But however for me that one more time turned into a mom's worst nightmare. I watched my friends child's while she went out of town during the week and I thought over all everything went ok there were a few glitches but with four different kids going to 3 different schools and all having to there within 30min of each other and not to forget that my friends kids went to school 15 min away from where my boys went and my kids had to be dropped of first and one earlier then they normally had to be, but like i said I THOUGHT that it went well until 2-3 weeks later when my friend informed me that her son had told her mother that I panicked my two yr-old and well more then that but of course this was not true ( and by the way this was one of the problem that i had with her son, was his lying and stealling) Well I told her that the lie needed to be stoppped and she as a friend and a good mom needed to correct this problem that her child had started, Cuz lets face it! With what this kid had said the grandma could have called CPS for all I know, and possibly CPS would have taken it into consideration that it was a story from a child but who wants CPS knocking at their door, right? But by no means am i saying the same thing would happen to you but I feel that you really need to vaulate how important is you child to you! It's seems that you don't like this child's overall behave (like I did with my friends child) and I'm sure you've tried to be firm but not to firm with him when you're watching him. So I guess you should sit back and think of how good of friends are, and possibly find a tactfull way of discussing the behavior issues with you friend, but please be prepared if she gets on the defensive, because in all mom's eyes OUR children are the perfect ONES! Then of course if things turn sour be prepared to cut ties. I know that's horrible to say but if this issue cant be resolved do you really want your son see this behavior and thinking that it's ok. You really can't let him see it over and over and then tell him later that it's was not ok. And yes in my situtation I cut the ties and well my son understood and well he moved on found better friends and so did I. Hope my story helped and sorry it's a novel. Good luck in whatever happens.

you definitely need to set boundaries for behavior and respect in your home. they can do what they want at his house, but in your house you're the boss. your child needs to see that limits are set. you are modeling for him, and you need to have clear communication about what your family accepts and what is not acceptable. everybody will feel more safe and comfortable when expectations and consequences are clear and consistent. you are the adult!!! good luck!

children know how to behave, or 'what they can get away with' in each of their different settings. Dont let him get away with this at your house. Tel him sternly that "This is not how we act at my house. If you do that/say that again, you will have to go home and not come back until you behave by our rules here". Then follow through. Thats the hard part, but his parents should understand, and if they dont then move on to the next play date partner. You dont want yours to learn to follow such behavior and he will be as accepting and complacent as he sees you being for his whole life. Let him see you lead and take charge. Nip it in the bud!

This can be a difficult situation, one that I've found myself in before. Keep in mind we all have our different styles and ways of communicating, so you may not feel comfortable approaching this the way I might. That being said, when the child is behaving in an offensive manner in your home, I feel it's important to let the child know his words/actions are unacceptable in your house. I have said things like "We don't use that word in this house" in a firm voice so they understand the seriousness of the situation. And later, sometimes I'll talk with my own child about what happened or was said and further explain or reiterate why it was unacceptable so I'm sure they get the message. I have zero tolerance for potty mouth language (I feel it's best to nip it in the bud...as much as that's possible with young boys), I'm hyper-vigilant when it comes to rude and offensive language or behavior. If the friend is behaving this way when the playdate is at your house, I imagine he's doing the same thing at his own house, and your child is exposed to it there also (but without you there to hear and comment on it).

If your friendship with the boy's mom is solid enough, I think you could try a friendly chat with her, "from one concerned mom to another". If you're not comfortable talking with the other mom about it, you might limit the frequency of the playdates somewhat. Nothing dramatic like "I won't let me son play with your son anymore", just a subtle pulling back which would reduce your son's exposure to the other boy's negative influence.

Just my thoughts...hope some of it helps!

I think you should tell the little boys parents how he acts at your house no matter how much you and his mom are friends.That way his parents can tell him something.

You are good friends. Why not talk to his mom? It shouldn't be a problem unless you think this kind of behavior is okay with her and she would be offended by your concern (although if that's the case, you may not want your son to play with the boy at his house either if bad behavior is being allowed).

I don't think your friend wants you to tollerate her son's inappropriate behavior better. I think she'd like to know it is happenning and help make it stop. If that's not the case, I'd stop the play dates.

Kids love to push boundaries. Is he getting your goat? Maybe that is his entire purpose? Demand that you get the respect you deserve and give him the same in return.
Love, L.

What do you think about telling the child something like "we don't say those words in our house"? Or maybe "we really like having you over, Billy, but we have rules in our house for what is ok and not ok. And the x, y, z things you are doing are not ok. Let's try to do this or that instead.
Over time you might even be helping this child to improve their behavior. If that doesn't work, you may want to limit the time your child spends with them, for the benefit of your own child. I think one of the most important things we can teach our kids is to be thoughtful of who they choose to be friends with. Especially at 7, you want to give your child a good example of inviting positive people into your life and setting boundaries with those who are a negative influence. It might sound a little over the top but at this point, when you've tried a sit down with the child, giving them grace and the opportunity to change, if they decide not to listen, they may not be a good influence on your child. I wish you the best with the sitation and I encourage you to have confidence in using your judgment as a mom. You have to do what you think is best for your family, even if those around you don't necessarily understand it at the time.

Your kids come first. If you feel it is inapropet with that child mouth then you new to set consequec. Most of all if she is your good friend then don't be afraid to talk to her.
Before its tolate. The older their going to get. The more damage they can do.
So you kow i know what i'm talkeing about.I hace 7 children ages 22,21,20,16 16 twins 8,7.Here is my email address.

____@____.com

I hope i have been of some help for you
Sencerly Yours
V. R

Sit down and talk to her about it. Eventually your son will think his friends behavior is acceptable and mimic it and that sounds like something you don't want. It's about setting appropriate boundaries of what is acceptable and what's not.