Sisters Wanting to Come Over

"My daughter has been asking to have Kasey over all week, so I thought we could set up a play date for the two of them. Oh, Maisie is asking to come along? I'm sorry, the invitation is for Kasey. I don't think I could handle all of them at once."

And I'm sorry, I know you're not responsible for this, but I have major issues with the other mother introducing her child as "the rotten one." That's completely ridiculous. When the expectation is set like that, guess what? The child will live up to those expectations... or rather live down to them.

Personally I would not invite just the one in this situation, it would be both or none. The fact that you drive them both would make it seem very odd to drop one off at home while allowing the other to play. And why is 5 too young to play with the 7 year olds? My kids are 2 years apart and play with kids that range in ages, when my younger was in kinder he often played with kids my older sons age with no issues. To let just the one come over would be rude. Now, if you did not know the children, you were not the driver after school, and your child only knew the older child, that would make this all different and I would say the younger child has to learn that not all of her sisters friends are her friends as well, but that is not the case here.

ETA: okay, Your daughter is MAYBE starting to be friends with Kasey.
Probably because, you drive those kids and sometimes pick them up.
Your daughter, is not friends, with Allie. Kasey, is her possible friend, and possibly "bonding" with her.
Your daughter, needs to have her OWN friends. NOT it being based on, the sibling of that friend, ALWAYS having to be there too.
You do NOT have to invite, Allie over. Realize, that.
And they do not all have to be friends... just because you drive them all around.

ALL kids, will have friends at some time or other, that also have siblings. That does NOT mean, that every time your child... has a friend with siblings, that you HAVE to invite the siblings over, too. You don't. You invite your child's friend. A child, needs to learn, that they have their own friends. And that is life.

My kids have lots of friends of their own. Their friends, many of them, have siblings. But I don't invite, ALL their siblings over, too. I invite, MY child's friend. It is not a package deal. And just because one of my kids may have a play-date, it does not mean that BOTH of them have a play-date. Sometimes, only my son has his friends over. Then other times only my daughter has friends over. And it does not include, their friends siblings, too. It is THEIR friend or friends, that come over.
Kids need to learn that. And as a child gets older, they don't want their siblings tagging along. They have their own, socials.
And I HAVE told the other Moms, "only your daughter....:" or "Only your son.... this time.... The kids need their own time with their friend. No siblings." I say, it. And the other Moms do too. They UNDERSTAND.

Your other problem is: you pick up and drive those girls to and from school. But you do NOT have to do, that. You choose to. Thus, your kids and those kids, are getting all bunched up together. By default. You do not have to drive those kids around. But you do. And those kids, and their Mom, can have their Grandparent do the driving of those kids. It is not your, job.
And the other problem is: KASEY "everyday this week" has been begging and begging to come over. Well, just say no. You want those girls to bond? Your daughter and her??? Why?

Does your daughter, like Kasey? Teach your daughter how to choose friends. And besides, in school, kids make friends. Kasey is not the only kid. There are other kids in school. And you don't have to car-pool or drive other parent's kids around, just to have friends for your kid.
And you teach your daughter, that YOU decide.

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Just say NO.
And you do not have to drive them around. Nor babysit them.

I used to have 2 siblings over at my house after school, and drove them home etc. The Mom is working/busy. has long hours, etc. Fine.
But ya know, one day I just got fed up. One of the kids is icky and never listens. And I just told the Mom, NO more.
Having a bunch of kids, her kids over, after school on a weekday is TOO busy. And I just don't want to.
I am not her kid's babysitter. Nor am I a cafeteria. Nor am I a shuttle driver.
Nor am I an after-school Aide who ALSO has the kids do their homework before their Mom picks them up.
And I TOLD my kids NO more. Having those kids over is too much of a pain. And we are too busy and *I* just want our own space and quiet and our OWN routines, after school, after coming home. And MY kids have their own activities AND homework and responsibilities to do, after school.
That's it!

First, I do understand the 'not playing outside' latchkey kid situation. My guess is that frankly the youngest may give big sister a run for her money and that mom has just said a flat "NO" to any outside time. If the eldest sister cannot manage the young one outside, it can draw negative attention to the fact that there's no adult at the house.

FWIW, once my sister and I actually locked ourselves out of the house-- I was in 8th grade, my sister was in 5th and YES, some of the neighbors did call CPS. Not fun.

In any case, I think I agree with those posters who have suggested that you give the inch but not the mile. Kids with behavioral issues ARE a handful, and it's not easy if you have two kids feeding off each others behavior. GalwayGirl and SH both had very clear, concrete advice. You are helping the mom out as a favor, right? Not to be so black and white about it, but seriously-- if it ends up having a negative effect on your family, mom should be given notice. I know plenty of kids who are in K who have more self-regulation than what you describe of the youngest. Decide what works for your family. My one concern, were I in your shoes, is that if you take the youngest and it doesn't work to have her come back (due to behavior) then she's sort of 'blackballed' while big sister continues to get invited and that can be sticky for everyone.

Only you can decide if it's 'worth it' to you in regard to your daughter making friends with Kasey. They can still play together at recess and at school. I know I likely would not have playdates after school for my son-- he needs a snack, a break, and time to do his homework. Maybe you could do a playdate for just the older girls on a weekend time.

I'd just say no. I'd also continue to be stern with any naughty behavior.

They both sound quite manipulative, honestly. Little one was introduced as the "rotten child" because someone allows that sort of behavior.

First, don't call CPS. The fact that the kids don't come outside to play is nothing that CPS is going to worry about. And unfortunately, lazy parenting isn't illegal.

I think I would try it once because I think that everyone deserves at least one chance, but at the very outset, I would sit all the kids down and tell them what is expected. Then, if younger sis gets out of line, walk her home with the others continue to play. I am assuming they live very close, since you seem to know that they are "kept like prisoners."

Just a thought on your comment "the fact that she is too young to play with my son or daughter".

When I was growing up, a group of neighborhood kids played. I was one of the oldest, my sister & another boy were 3 years younger, & that boys brother was 2 1/2 years younger. We all got along fine. Other kids would join in, all age ranges.

I'm not sure why you are so concerned about the age difference, most kids don't worry about it nearly as much as the parents, & if she's old enough to go to school, chances are a group of 4 kids would do OK playing together.

So rather than be exclusionary, just invite the both of them over, & supervise to make sure that behaviors don't get out of hand. T.

Umm...if you really think they are being kept like prisoners, why have you not contacted CPS?? They have behavioral issues and are desperate to come over for a reason. Maybe, expand your thoughts beyond your children for a second, and consider that they need help.

1- set clear expectations, both for the children and their parents.
examples: "Lauren, this week Allie was having a hard time following the rules in the car. She hit, kicked, and screamed. I have let her know these are against the rules in my car. I want to help by driving, however I can only continue to do so if Allie follows the rules."
"Please call us before heading over to ask for a playdate. Here is my phone number"
etc. Be crystal clear with them about what your rules and expectations are.
2- If you have made clear your expectations and they are not being followed, it is ok to not have these kids over. There are plenty of other kids in your town to play with your child, I am sure. It is really hard to have one allowed over when the other one is "banned" or not welcome. We have had similar difficulty with our neighbor kids. One is super sweet and I really like him and he follows the rules. But his brother and sister do not, and are hideously behaved. Since they live right next door, it is very hard to say, "you are welcome but you other 2 are not" especially since they all stick together so unfortunately we just do not invite any of them or agree to playdates with any of them anymore- I think it is best for them to find some new friends.

Well, the mother isn't helping by calling her daughter names. She'll just live up to that label...

However, this isn't YOUR daughter and you don't have to put up with her acting like this. I hope her behavior in the car has gotten better. If it hasn't, you should pick up only Kasey for a while and let the grandpa drive the seat kicker so that she knows that you mean absolute business in regards to her car behavior.

I agree that you shouldn't have this girl over to your house. However, you caused a real problem by hemming and hawing over whether she could come over or not. Instead of saying "Your behavior in the car shows me how you will act in my house and I don't allow that kind of behavior in my house. No, you may not come until you grow up a lot and act like a big girl." Because you didn't put your foot down and tell her exactly what is what (the answer being NO), now she is demanding and demanding in order to get what she wants, which is what she does to her mother. Her mother is likely too tired from all her work and grandpa being in bed to effectively handle this girl.

No more "maybe's" with her. Be strict with her and dole out consequences. Tell her mother that you have to teach the girl a lesson and make it stick.

How sad that the mother addresses and introduces her child as "the rotten one" - guess she's just behaving as she's being treated?

The younger child, Allie, is acting out because she is being treated like an outcast by her family - that's what it appears to me - maybe I'm reading too much into it.

I personally don't think that a school age child is too young to play with other kids....they go to school together....you need to stop making excuses and set ground rules. Do NOT EVER make threats you don't intend to keep. Children WILL remember that.

Tell Kasey that it is RUDE to ask someone to come over for a play date and not respect the parent's decision when "NO" or "NOT NOW" is given as an answer.

Tell Allie EXACTLY how you expect her to behave while she is in your custody - car and home - and if she refuses to follow the rules, she will be taken home. IMMEDIATELY. And FOLLOW through.

Good luck!

You would be doing Kasey a favor by nicely telling her that while you are glad she and your daughter are getting to be friends, it is not polite for her to ask you for an invitation to come over, and especially not polite for her to ask you over and over again when you have already said no. I wouldn't hold it too much against her, though. Manners need to be taught, and she probably has no idea she is being rude, she is just excited to play with your daughter. My youngest has a friend like this. Her mother never says no to anything, so she asks for everything all the time. Maybe you could invite her over on a weekend afternoon instead of after school. It would be easier then, to just invite Kasey. I used to make it a rule that my kids had to come home alone right after school to do homework, have a snack, etc before jumping into playing with the neighbors.

Allie's behavior in the car is a separate issue. Any young child can have a rough day but if it is an ongoing issue, I would talk to her Mom, and tell her if Allie continues to hit, scream, etc, you will not continue to drive the girls.

It sounds to me like they don't like to be at home. There may be reasons for this, including perhaps that the sister isn't the nicest babysitter. You don't know. To be introduced as the rotten kid...I wonder what she says to the girl at home? Sounds like kid is acting out to me.

If you really don't want to drive them anymore, you need to talk to the mom, as the kids aren't the ones who decide that. If you decide not to drive them, then you should be ready for the family to cut ties with the friend and your DD.

As for not wanting the child over, I would not want a kid over because of that kid. If your son is not having behavioral issues at this point, then his behavior is moot.

I would make playdates limited. You drive them home from school, so when YOU decide, you can drive them the rest of the way from your house to theirs to ensure they go home when you need them to.