Cancelling Play Date as Punishment?

I would be fine with it. If that is the kind of consequence that works for the other mom when trying to teach her kid to behave then I would totally support that.

It is very inconsiderate of the other parent. On the other hand, perhaps there was a truly serious infraction, not just something like a messy room.

I think it's perfectly acceptable to cancel anything as a consequence for bad behavior. It's a good thing for your son to learn to handle disappointments - life is full of them!

I'm so confused reading this.

I have taken down my first post because I thought it was YOUR kid in trouble.

In that light, I guess I would just say " bummer". Do something fun for both of you. Life is full of disappointments... teach him how to manage them by moving on and making his own fun.

By the way, I have made it very clear at times to my son that, if he won't behave with me, playtimes with other families won't be happening because "I'm not sending you to someone else's house with this behavior. If you won't listen/are being rude to me, I'm certainly not putting that on another mom to deal with." As a mom, I'm obligated to teach my child how to be, out in the world. If that ends up raining on someone else's parade, I trust that the adult in that situation can handle it. It's just like having to cancel because of illness. It's not meant as a punishment to the other family.

Pretty much you are disappointed because now you don't get free time in the afternoon. Totally understand that because as parents we get precious little time to ourselves.

I can see why the other parent decided to cancel the play date. If your child is out of control and you add another child to the mix it usually get worse. You don't have to agree with their punishment just explain that the other child misbehaved so there's no play date. If you don't make a huge issue out of it your son will be disappointed but get over it.

The important thing is to remember that this is a teaching moment and your lesson is that sometimes you plan things and they don't work out. You may not like it but that's life and you then figure out your next step.

I have absolutely canceled a play date if my kid can't get himself together.
I would say "Sorry Honey! Bob wasn't able to behave today and his mama had to cancel the playdate. Maybe next time! I bet you are sad...I am too. What can we do instead?"
It's not a punishment to you and your son, it's a mama who is doing this parenting thing RIGHT. Parenting is hard, extend grace.

As a parent, I use all my tools available and I don't care if people don't agree with my disciplinary methods. If my child is not behaving and does not deserve to be rewarded with a play date then guess what? Its cancelled. You see, I'm in charge of our house not the kids.

This is a teachable moment for your son as well. He sees what happens when you don't behave. I always told my kids, "actions have consequences, either negative or positive. Positive is MUCH better". Get him an ice cream and say "thank you for being good today".

I'm the mom who cancelled. Consequences for actions. Firm believer in that.

You don't owe your son anything. You tell your son that this is what happens when mommy says to do something and if you don't, this is the consequence. He needs to see that he's not the only one who has consequences for not following mommy's directions.

Tell your son that this is life. We don't always get what we want. If the other boy had behaved? You both would have been having fun.

I get that you were looking forward to "me" time. Again, this is life. Find a babysitter then and get your me time or ask your husband to step in.

I have had to do this - I was the cancelling parent and believe me, you would NOT have wanted my kid playing with your kid that day. I felt terrible but there had to be consequences and they needed to be big. Fortunately the other Mom is a very good friend who supported me, even though she knew her son would be disappointed. I have threatened to do this with my two younger kids while making it clear that they'd be choosing for their friend to suffer as well. So far, with reassurance from big brother than I WOULD do it if they didn't straighten up, I have not had to follow through.

For us, it is both harder & easier that my kids have several friends who have autism. It's harder for those kids to have playdates cancelled since they usually don't have a lot of friends, but it's easier for the parents to understand because sometimes they have to pull the plug at the last minute as well due to problematic behavior cropping up regardless of parenting.

All that said, the one time I did this, it was for VERY bad behavior and the kid didn't get to do ANYTHING fun that afternoon. It never happened again. He was 4 of 5 when it happened. He's 12 now. He's still friends with the other boy and is still sorry that they didn't get to play that day because of HIS choices. He has NEVER forgotten that day. And his memory helps his brothers behave now! It was what it needed to be.

So you're second guessing another parent's decision to cancel a play date as a punishment for her son because it affects you and your son?
Sorry, but that's how life works sometimes.
The other parent has every right to cancel her son's play date if she feels that is an appropriate punishment, and the fact that it causes your son disappointment is not her problem. This may or may not be the first time your son has been disappointed, but it won't be the last. He (and you) will simply have to find something else to do.
No you don't have to do anything to "make it up to him." In fact, it is better for him if you don't. At some point in his life, he has to learn that things don't always work out as you planned, and sometimes you just have to suck it up.
Fair? Pfft. Life isn't fair. Get a helmet.

I have had this happen (someone cancel because their child misbehaved). I totally understood and I don't have a problem with it because I agree that a kid who is acting out of control should not get to have a friend over. That's just asking for trouble.

I used this situation as a teaching moment for my son, pointing out that kids who aren't listening to their parents can't have playdates. It's disappointing for the other kids involved, and I hope he doesn't disappoint one of his friends by doing something that would make us have to cancel one of his playdates, because he knows what it feels like now. (then, change the subject and move on, no point in dwelling on disappointment you can't control)

ETA: Ok, the pronouns are a little confusing, but I assume you to mean that the other child got in trouble at home this morning, and so the other mom cancelled the playdate. Now your child (who did nothing wrong) is disappointed that the playdate was cancelled, and you think this amounts to an unfair punishment of your child.

I agree with you. I never cancel last minute because then I am not only punishing my child, but the other child, and the other parent (especially if they made plans during that time). I choose a different way to punish my child when needed.

I agree that this is a good teaching moment. I once cancelled a birthday party invite for my older kids because they would not listen and they refused to clean their room. I gave them 3 chances and then cut the invite. I told them that they could not go because they did not behave. I did let the mom know about 4 days before and she understood. They then had to listen to kids talking about it at school and know what they missed. I would try to do something else with your son if possible or let him decide how he would handle.

Okay, you say you usually wait until the last minute to tell your son in case you have to cancel so obviously you don't actually care about the other child so why did you add that to the end?

You want to know how to punish your son without punishing him. Yeah, that isn't how it works. Let him be miserable, yes you will be miserable but that is what parenting is. Otherwise he learns nothing and the other kid was disappointed for no reason.

Added: is this a poorly written question? Do you really mean his friend got grounded? If that is the case sure, do something with your son since he did nothing wrong. If it was your son who got in trouble then my above stands.

I've only cancelled a playdate that was made in advance if my kids came down sick.

Our kids typically make their plans about an hour before they happen. So this doesn't really happen.

I have seen my oldest one's room after he's just made plans with a friend and gotten really annoyed. Or if his chores weren't done. Instead of cancelling on the friend, I just say "Not only will you clean your room the minute you get back, but you will be cleaning the car" or something like that.

I should add - can't say I'd want a misbehaving child dropped at my house either though ... thankfully we really haven't run into this.

But overall - I don't like to inconvenience people because of our behavior.

ETA: So they cancelled their invitation to have your kid over because her son wouldn't participate in having his picture taken?

That would bug me.

I would want to inconvenience as few people as possible. I mean, it is bad enough if my kids is behaving badly, but by cancelling the playdate I am punishing the other child and the parent. The only reasons I could see for cancelling the playdate as punishment would be a) if there was not another appropriate punishment I could use or b) if my child's behaviour would ruin the playdate anyway. Fortunately I never had this problem. I am not too concerned about children having to deal with disappointment, it is a good skill to learn, but I do not like to be the cause of the disappointment if I can avoid it.

Totally agree. If I ever did this to someone, it'd be because it was a huge offense on my child's part and I was pulling out all the stops and I'd be very apologetic to the other family. And whether I cancelled or not would depend somewhat on how well I knew the other mother and her schedule and how often we host. I don't blame you for both being disappointed but I guess figure it could have happened bc the other child got sick. Your son will get over it pretty quickly though. Kids usually do.

I never took away a physical activity as a punishment for my kids. They needed all the exercise they could get so I would take away other things but not play dates or playing outside with friends, etc.

I was upset when I overheard a dad at church that said his son wasn't there at the youth group that night because he didn't finish his homework. I feel like that is a bit extreme and the benefits of going to youth group outweighs staying home for not doing homework. Just my opinion of course and we all have our parenting rules but it's not something I would do.

I think we always have to have contingency plans when we have kids. Someone gets sick and stays home from school, so someone else has to stay home from work. Or kids get sick and a play date is canceled.

I agree with the other mom - you cannot reward bad behavior. If I were the host mom and my kid misbehaved, and if the other mom had important plans like a job interview, then I wouldn't cancel the play date I was hosting. I'd find some other way to discipline my kid. BUT since you were didn't have firm plans that you communicated to the other mom, she was in the right.

I also think there's an extremely valuable lesson to your son in learning that fun gets canceled when someone is naughty, so you and he actually benefited from this. I also think kids MUST learn to deal with life's disappointments, so if this happened to my kid, I would resist the temptation to "reward" him with a special treat or trip. Sometimes things don't work out, and we need to learn that it's not someone else's job to make up for it. So in that sense, I think it's time you can tell your child about plans in advance.

i think i would cancel a playdate if my child were acting up.
i think the other mother did what she needed to do to get her child to understand that misbehavior needs consequences. an dyou can use this to teach your child that their actions don't just affect them, they affect others as well.

If that is how she handles her parenting (good for her on following through with consequences and not raising a little brat!) then unfortunately you and your son have to deal with that. I think you are worrying too much about his feelings. Kids get over things FAST. Take him for a nice afternoon and stop worrying! And be glad your kid has a friend whose mom sounds like a good mom for being a disciplinarian and mom instead of just a friend! **hugs**
(I think you will have a great day with you son! =)

I agree with you 100%.

Am I understanding that you feel it's not fair to YOUR child because the parent cancelled the playdate due to their own child getting in trouble at school? I hope I'm understanding your post right.

It seems to me that you hedge your bets with your own son. You don't tell him that he has a playdate until the last minute, so he has no way of knowing that he would lose out on a privilege due to bad behavior. Do you expect other parents to do this too?

How is a child supposed to learn about consequences for bad behavior if they don't know what privileges they would have if they behaved? A play date is a privilege. Should a parent just never allow a playdate because she may have to tell another mother that she has had to take away a privilege due to bad behavior?

One thing to remember about what a playdate is REALLY for: it's for children to learn to properly socialize. It's not about a break for the mom. That's what a mother's helper or babysitter is for. I used to hate it when I'd take a kid for a playdate and the mom didn't supervise at all, and then would get all up in arms because something happened that she didn't like. One neighbor of mine said to our mahjong group that she loved mahjong days (everyone brought their kids if we were playing on school vacation days) because she could just throw the kids in the basement and let them have their free-for-all while she got a break from her kid and could enjoy her game. All I could think was what a lazy mother she is. I only took my kids over there once because I knew that's a recipe for disaster. If there was no school that day, either I didn't go or I hired my own babysitter to watch my kids.

Think about what you want a playdate to be for. Think about how your son learns to appreciate his privileges and how he learns to act around other kids, AND how he learns to act in playdates at other people's houses. If you leave them to their own devices at your house, how is he supposed to learn to act well at other's homes? In the same vein, you should hope that someone is supervising the children at someone else's house.

As far as the grandmother is concerned, it's not her place to disagree with her daughter's punishment. I doubt you would appreciate YOUR mother fussing about your punishments to other people.

If you have something planned because your son is supposed to go on a playdate, tell the mom that before you agree to the playdate. That way she knows about it. But since you aren't paying her to babysit, you actually can't dictate that she take care of your child no matter what. That's what babysitters are for.

I have threatened to cancel playdates (in order to keep the kids on their best behavior) but never have actually cancelled them. I think it's a bummer for your son she cancelled the playdate. I, too, try not to ever tell my kids about a playdate until right before. I would take your child somewhere fun. That will give you a chance to sit back & relax while watching him have fun. I do this often just to get a break. :)

Originally, I thought you were considering canceling your son's play date due to his actions. I was going to suggest it would not be fair to the other child. So that's my opinion and I understand it was not you who canceled.

I can see both sides. Yes, take your son on some fun outting. I would not tell him the news before school, however.

I would not cancel a playdate since it affects another person's schedule. You could have easily set something up with someone else. There is another punishment I would find, but I personally would not cancel something already set up unless we were sick or hurt. if someone used that as their punishment and cancelled on me more than once, I would probably not arrange playdates with them anymore.

I don't think parents should be this involved in planning kids' play to begin with. But in life, fun things sometimes do get cancelled at the last minute for reasons beyond our control. Empathize with your son's disappointment, but don't try to fix it. It's OK just to allow him to experience something that is unfair. It's not pleasant to be in that moment, but it builds character.