Habitual Cancelling of a Girl's Birthday Party

Im sorry that happened to you

I don't think she realizes that she is causing pain to you and her daughter.

If she can't afford a party someplace she could have it at home to save money.

I think you should discuss with her ways to cut back on parties like having them at home then inviting people
that way if she does feel sick or what have you her hubby or boyfriend or if she has a sister could continue with the party

My first take on your friend is that she is someone with either no regard for anyone else's feelings other than her own, or she has serious emotional issues. The behaviour you describe is really out of the normal range, and you implied that this is normal for her. I would have concerns that she is not a true friend to you, and that being around her is not healthy for your children. I wouldn't bother talking to her about the incident, but maybe distance yourself from her until she learns how to treat other human beings.

Hi Rebecca, You need to ask yourself, is she really a friend?
Actions speak louder than words. It isn't fair to her daughter as well. Maybe the next time she extends an invite dont go; and When she ask why you didn't show politely tell her. I'm sure you could have found something better to do than sit and wait for a party that didn't happen.

good Luck

L.

Wow, I love mamasource. What a great set of responses you've gotten. Now you have the hard problem of having to make the decision of how to handle it. Good luck to you.

I'll offer my opinion here just to be complete. I think it's a horrible situation. I agree that you should have a back up plan for all events you schedule with her. Simply tell your kids that since sometimes your friends aren't able to make it, you can still do something fun. My kids like back up plans and they like knowing it'll work out even if the play date is questionable.

I do worry something bigger is wrong with your friend. She may be super sensitive because she can't explain it (like a social anxiety) or because she is embarrassed. However, I think it is perfectly fine to tip toe through the subject with her. Simply putting a positive spin on it will help. For example, ask if her daughter was disappointed about the cancelling. Perhaps you can then delve deeper into how the little girl handled the issues in the past. This allows you to indirectly bring up that it is habitual. Is the daughter asking to reschedule? Perhaps you can ponder out loud how your children would feel about missing their party. See how she reacts. As the kids get older, their school friends will want to know what's up and kids can be mean. If the girl is in school, you can ask if the little girl got teased at school or if the kids were sympathetic. Perhaps the mom needs to think about the fact that it has a social impact on her daughter. Indirect questions always seem like the best way to go when the person is touchy. I have a sister like this and you have to gently talk about all the things around the "giant purple elephant" so she'll bring it up or she'll shut down and say I just don't understand. They should teach courses in this!!!

Also, ask if your friend is feeling better and is there anything you can do to help. Perhaps you can ask, do you think it is allergies? Ha, joke that maybe it's morning sickness and see if she defends her symptoms. If she appears to still be not feeling well, ask if she needs you to bring by some dinner to help out. That would make her feel guilty if she isn't really sick and I would guess she'd back pedal a little bit.

If she is really shut down, quietly tell her (like it's a secret) that you're worried about her and want to help if you can. Perhaps she just needs to know you're available to confide in. Actually, offer to her that if she ever needs someone to talk to in confidence, that you can be that person and that you won't judge her. Everyone needs to let off some steam sometimes and it is helpful to know it won't make you "hate the husband", "think they are crazy", "think they are a bad parent", etc. Maybe she is depressed. Complaining about her husband may lead her to realize that it isn't her husband that is the problem... or maybe it is.

I've told a friend before that she is welcome to call me when ever she is needing to vent because I know that sometimes you need to release that stress to better look at the situation. I told her I won't judge the situation because I know I'm only hearing one side and it will be tainted with emotion. So she knows she can confide in me. When I ask questions about her situation, I try to be very careful not to feed the frustration while supporting her, listening to her (which can be so theraputic) and possibly offering more positive feedback.

Also, I love the idea of offering to take the little girl to the event for your friend next time so she can get some rest and feel better. I love the idea of suggesting to have the party yourself and then celebrating in honor of the child if she doesn't make it. Not like you have so much free time and money with 3 kids :) , but it is a nice idea. We hosted a mini make up party for a friend who was in the hospital during her birthday party and had to cancel. We only had her, her sister and mother over but we hung streamers and blew up balloons and had fun plates... and my kids loved it as much as she did. If she had cancelled, we would have still had fun. Perhaps doing something smaller would appeal to your friend if it is social anxiety. Also, if it is a financial issue, you could suggest to your friend that you've heard about birthday parties where they order a bunch of cheese pizzas (loved by kids and relatively cheap) and take them to a big park with a playground. Bring some balls, bubbles and a streamers (cheap at dollar stores) and the kids will have a blast. Help the kids to play tag or simon says or tie streamers to a stick and run around making it wave in the wind. The party is fun without much expense. Give the kids a few rolls of streamers or toilet paper (make sure they clean it up) and tell them to decorate themselves. Kids love to run wild and use their imagination.

So, now that I've given you more than a mouthful of advice... good luck. I hope you are able to strengthen your relationship with this friend. You know, if all else fails and she gets upset or acts negatively... be blunt and tell her, a friend cares and wants to help. I'm trying to be a good friend. If I didn't care about my friends I'd find superficial friends and talk about he weather or a new recipe. She may not get it at first, but who wouldn't stew on that for a while and realize that you really care?

Good luck. I hope to read a wonderful success story soon.
You are a wonderful person to care enough to try to help. Try to talk kindly about the mother and daughter to your children so they don't harbor your frustration (and maybe anger) too. Kids pick up on so much...

Liz

p.s. Also, next time she makes plans with you, I think it would be very acceptable for you to say something like, "great, we'd love to do that and if you aren't able to make it we'll go anyway" or "... we'll just go to -XYZ- which is close by." That brings it to her attention (nicely) that you don't feel confident they'll come while removing some of the stress she may feel about HAVING to make the event. (sorry, I'm so wordy today :)

I feel sorry for all the kids, birthday child and guests, in these annual cancellations. But please heed Candice below -- your friend might have bigger but hidden issues like depression. She might plan big parties then get overwhelmed just anticipating them and panic at the last moment. The fact she's done it repeatedly makes me wonder if she does similiar things in other parts of her life -- does she cancel suddenly on you or others for shopping outings, lunch dates, church or family events, little play dates for the kids? If so, there's a bigger problem than birthday parties. If you're close enough to them to do it I'd definitely approach her husband or mother or sister if she has one and lovingly express concern, rather than anger, about these things. I know from a friend's "flaking out" episodes that this behavior can sometimes indicate depression. I'd be upset and angry like you, but if you can, stow that away for a while, look at her patterns in other things that seem small to you, and ask yourself if she might be getting overwhelmed easily or seems to be hiding from big events.

Unfortunately, it sounds like your friend needs to grow up some. I don't intend to sound cranky about it, or be mean, but really, it is the height of rudeness to keep changing plans like that, both to her party guests, whoever is hosting the party, and most of all to her daughter. The "not feeling well" part kind of worries me a bit - do you think there's a possibility that she is either depressed, or has some sort of social anxiety disorder going on? Or is there something else going on in her life that would make her suddenly embarrassed about meeting up with friends, such as an issue with her spouse? Her reaction to you bringing it up sounds really defensive and immature, as well - if it were me I'd approach it by telling her that you're worried about her, and want to know if anything is wrong that she'd like to talk to you about. Say you've noticed she's done this several years in a row, and tell her that it can cause big problems in the future when her daughter gets a bit older and starts inviting people from her school or they start having the party at places that require a financial commitment and a firm date/time and it could get quite costly to her. I wish you luck because it sounds like something big may be going on with your friend. It's good that she has a friend like you to be concerned about her.

What you are saying about your friend's actions in unacceptable. If she is truly your friend and she was or is having problems with planning her baby's birthday party she should let you know. As a friend you probably could help. Sometimes problems arise, money, the father and so on. There is reason she is doing this. She very well may want her daughter to have a birthday party but things happen that may cause her to postpone but out of respect she should inform the invitees. Also, maybe in the future if this happens again and you show up to find out the party is cancelled. Ask her if there's something you can do to help, like taking the kids out to the park or zoo.

Hi Rebecca,

Your friend has a problem. More than probably anyone knows about.

Let the issue of the birthday party pass. Use it as an experience for next year.

Plan a surprise birthday party for the child yourself for next year.

In this way, your need to have the child remembered and your children won't be disappointed with the cancellation.

If the mother does not allow the child to come next year, then celebrate it in her honor anyway.

You can even have a surprise birthday party now for the child and just be late.

Good luck. Hope this helps. The Mother is suffering from something. Sounds like she needs understanding and patience from those around her. Counseling would help.

D.

What do you want most out of taking with her? Her daughter getting a party or respect for others, including your children? Does her mom have any insight into what may be going on? Does she do this often with play dates or just parties?

It's either rudeness or emotional. Without knowing which, it's hard to say what you should say. You want to focus on the girl being shafted, but maybe the bigger issue is making plans and not following through adequately. It makes me wonder how old she is, how mature she is, etc. Life experience changes people's behaviors. Were they my kids, I'd not accept the next invite readily. If you never know what she's going to do, why put yourselves through it over and over and over? I think that no matter what you do, you need boundaries for your children, too.

In my opinion, you should definitely say something. If you put the emphasis around cheating her daughter and how her daughter probably feels that her birthday is not important enough to keep a date, then at least (hopefully) she will think about that the next time she wants to cancel. If it bothers her enough that you mentioned it, your words will probably always come to mind when she is about to cancel an important event and she may think twice. If all of her friends are afraid to talk to her about it because she is sensitive, she may never realize what she is doing to her daughter or anyone else.

Hi Rebecca
Try planning an outting for just the two of you. Let her know that you do want to dicuss some issues with her during this outing, so she will not be caught off guard. Tell her that you are concerned about the way she has been behaving and that you want to help her. Sometimes when people are going through situations they are too embarrassed to let others know, even good friends. Help her to understand that you are coming to her as a friend and that she needs to consider how the other parents may be feeling because of all these cancellations. Also, I would tell her that at this point, she should plan a big party for her daughter. Help her to plan something nice and simple so her daughter can still celebrate and feel special about her birthday. Once you have talked to her, you should be able to determine what really is going on with your friend. Is she going through personal problems or if she is simply being selfish and inconsiderate of others. Be prayerful as well!! God Bless!

It sounds like something big is going on here. Your friend might have issues that you are not aware of - anxiety attacks, depression, problems with her husband, etc. My mother's best friend was hit by her husband and we never knew it - she just didn't show up and we accepted her as being flaky when there was something more serious happening. If you think any of these could be the problem, give her some space and show support.

Or, she may just be rude and you'll have to accept it or move on. Bummer! She'd drive me nuts.

If your friend gets so upset when you try to talk to her, maybe you should try to talk to her husband, or other family member. It sounds like your friend has a problem being in public places or around crowds. I know a woman who missed her own wedding reception because she can't stand being in a crowd.
As for her daughter, invite the family over for a special 'birthday dinner' for her.
Good luck.

you're lovely to be so sensitive to your friend's feelings, but look what she's done to your kids! it breaks my heart to think of them there in their princess costumes only to be disappointed.
if you truly feel that speaking honestly to her would ruin the friendship (a friendship i'd take a hard look at), then i'd certainly keep my own kids' expectations to a minimum by politely refusing all invitations unless you get an assurance that cancellations will include the courtesy of notice.
if she won't let you bring issues up, and won't accomodate your feelings at all, you don't have many places to go. the best you can do is buffer your own kids from being hurt by it.
but that's a pretty poor 'best' in my book.
khairete
S.

I understand your frustration, but it probably isn't your place to say anything to her (especially since you said she hasn't reacted well in the past). If I were in your position, I probably would just say that you wouldn't be able to make it to the rescheduled party. If people stop accommodating her, she might be more motivated to get her act together. If I were to cxl a party at the last minute and then no one was able to make it to the rescheduled party, it would make me think twice before cxling at the very last minute again.

I guess that I should start this by, first, apologizing to you if this sounds at all rude...

Sure you can talk to your friend about the inconvienence of cancelling a party last minute, as it is a huge imposition to all invited to show up at set location with excited children and wait, wait, wait for there just to be no party...Your friend should have absolutely contacted all of you first. It really sounds like there are other issues involved.

Now on to another topic...It is not your place to pass judgement or involve yourself in her family life. Plan your own children's parties. Leave her planning or lack of it alone. There may be other issues that you are unaware of. Perhaps this mother has an anxiety issue or an issue with social anxiety. You do not know and for you to "feel" bad for her kid and want to force a birthday party on your friend is just not your place to do. You manage your family, let your friend manage her own. Perhaps what needs to happen is just to ask your friend if she is okay. Tell her that you are concerned about her and you are available if she needs you. This just does not sound like a "birthday party" issue...I believe that there is more going on here.

Also, there are many of us out here who have no complaints about their husbands!

This actually happens to me all the time too. Its very frustrating to plan your whole day around a person or activity, and then not have that person show up or even call. Then when you call to find out what is going on, they say 'Oh, we changed our minds.' GRRRR. After the first or second time I started being proactive. I make my own backup plans. If the plan is to go to Chuck E. Cheese with a friend, I go anyway. I tell my son, here's the plan, but if they don't come, here's backup plan. He's sad cuz they don't show up but fine cuz we still get to do something fun.
My son was invited to his cousin's birthday at a bowling alley, but came down with the flu the night before. We made plans to go during the next weekend when he was better.
The habitual plans breaker had called to get together and go to McDonalds playland, then never showed up at my house. 'Oh, that wasn't definite, just a thought.' We went anyway.
If she does this again, and you want to make sure that the little girl gets a party, maybe you could volunteer to go pick up the girl? If the Mom isn't feeling well, maybe she'd be grateful for a break? Maybe its the little girl who is having the problem, maybe throwing a fit?
Just a thought.
M.

I have no idea what is going on with your friend but her behavior is definitely not "normal." Is it possible she is being abused by her spouse? And she cancels at the last minute because she does not want people to see the evidence? When she cancels, do you see her again in the near future to know if she is hurt/sick/etc? Honestly, the next time she cancels, I would stop by her house and make sure she is ok. Ask her flat out if she is ok. Good luck.

Have you tried talking to other moms in your group of friends? Certainly not to gossip-monger, but more to get a perception-check. Has anyone else tried to speak with her about her behavior? Are there things going on with her that they may be aware of, but you're not?

Your friendship with this person may end up going by the wayside regardless of whether you talk with her about the issue. If you don't talk with her, your resentment of her behavior will fester and end up poisoning your relationship. If you do, it's possible she could freeze you out.

You don't have anything to lose by talking with her. You've been friends for a long time; tell her what you love about her, and talk about what you have in common. Describe the recent series of cancellations and how they inconvenienced you and disappointed your children. Ask how things are going for her...is she overwhelmed? Is there something you can help her with?

If she isn't receptive to your feedback, and/or if she fails to change her behavior, then you may be faced with whether she should remain part of your life.

Your friend could be depressed or now due to something unusual, have a new social anxiety of some sort. Whatever it is, you should bring it up in a non threatening way and maybe offer to help her with it.. or offer to "CO HOST the future ones for her so that the little girl gets the party she deserves.
IF it were me, I would invite the little girl over for a "play date" and plan a small party with your kids- for the little girl.

Have a princess outfit for the birthday girl, and make some cupcakes or something- have your daughter make decorations, go to the dollar store and get a balloon or something- and you can even make her a gift like- a flower pot with soil and plant some easy flower seeds in there- and tell her to water it and watch her gift grow.

It can be a total surprise for her, when she gets dropped off, she will not know. But you can take photos of the party and then print them and put them in a little book as a gift for her for later.

You could even do a tea party birthday party. But the little girl may be witnessing some other things too, and maybe this would be a nice break for her. If the mom gets mad after finding out about it- then just tell her that you are getting busy this spring and did not know if you could attend whenenver the party is rescheduled- but wanted the birthday girl to know that you all thought her birthday is special and worth celebrating- and would be happy to attend the future party when it is scheduled. if you are available.

seriously, it sounds like she needs some professional help, she sounds selfish or is hiding something....that is a horrible thing to do to a 4 year old girl on the day of her birthday party, she could at the least let the party go on with her at home and have someone else taker her daughter.....

I think that is tough to say wether you should talk to her or not. I think if you are as close of friends as you say, you should be able to discuss this kind of thing with her...and if not, than maybe she isn't as true of a friend as you may think. There are people out there that just make choices and decisions, no matter what is planned, not caring how it effects others...even children. I have no idea if that is just the type of person she is, or if there is a more serious issue behind it all. I know for myself, I am dreading throwing a birthday party for my daughter... she is turning 6 this summmer, and is already requesting a party. I am not comfortable in those types of situations of having to actually THROW the party (even so, I would never plan it all, have guests waiting, and change my mind). I think that you will never know why she is being like this unless you talk with her and she is willing to let you know. If not, you will just have to accept this about her and take into consideration with all plans, that she is like this. Or, like others said...distance yourself and move on.
What I think I might do, if in this situation... is maybe when a next outing is planned and suggested by this woman for you and your family, that you think she may do the cancelation, I would just upfront and tell her no you don't want to go. I am sure that would surprise her a bit maybe, and she may ask why...opening up the opportunity to discuss this with her, and tell her why. That you don't want to disappoint your children again with another cancellation. That way, you are just being honest and upfront about protecting your own children with her inconsiderate behavior, and not telling her that is what she is doing to her own...but also opening up the idea to her that that IS exactly what she is doing to her own child.
Good luck!
K.

I had a friend who would "flake out" a lot too. It's just a part of who she is. I had to change my own expectations to keep the friendship. I decided that I just couldn't count on her to be on time or even show up at all sometimes. She was fun to talk to when she was around, but I just couldn't count on her presence.
We used to get our kids together, but I had to stop informing my son about our planned playdates because he would get upset when they didn't show up. I just kept it a surprise, then I could make it whatever surprise I wanted if they didn't show.
She has come around a bit after seeing the consequences of her actions on her daughter. Maybe your friend will see this as well. Maybe you should just plan to go to the first party attempt, but not tell your kids about it until you get there-just keep it a surprise. Then, if she cancels let her know that you had planned to attend the party, but can't make it on the new date. If people refuse to change their schedule around for her, she may get the message when she sees how disappointed her daughter is.
(FYI- my friend moved away; I didn't cut her out because she was flaky. She was just very busy and had trouble keeping it all together.)

Wow I know how irritating that can be. I too have a friend that always cancels her plans. It got so bad that I finally had to tell my daughter to never ever count on doing what miss such and such said they'd do because every single time she would cancel. Alot of times it was beyond her control meaning her husband would work late or her ride would cancel or they ran out of money or she forgot about other plans...... But it all boiled down to pi$$-poor planning all around: time/money/schedule. I try not to tell my DD about things until a day or so before if I am unsure of them actually happening. She gets super disappointed like her whole world is crashing about her.
Perhaps your friend uses the birthday party as a "reward" meaning she takes it away for bad behaviour? I too was going to suggest the social anxiety issue. Perhaps she feels she has not properly prepared for said event and will be embarrassed if its not good enough. Immaturity can definately play a part as you mentioned. Maybe someone else could say something to her or you could talk to her family, those are both good ideas. Good luck.

Yikes! Poor little girl! Just about the time she gets excited for her birthday, the party gets cancelled. What a bummer for her and everyone else involved. This is her only child? Hmm....if you typically get the silent treatment, then you may have to say what you need to say very delicately, and then just wait for her to come around. I am pretty sure whatever you say will probably offend her. Be very graceful with how you approach it like, "What happened the other day, was something wrong? Is that why you cancelled the party? The kids were all ready to go when we got the phone call. They were pretty bummed out."

See how something very casual goes. I wouldn't schedule a sit down or anything like that.

Your friend has a problem. She either may be bipolar, (because every mom knows you just can not do this), or some sort of phobia about hostessing. I am sorry your little ones were disappointed, and feel very sorry for the birthday girl. Not fair! Talk to your friend no matter what tension this brings. It is weird!! One time, maybe O.K. More than once...---crazy!

Hi Rebecca,

First, we have to consider that the pattern of cancellations is definitely unusual. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it sounds as if something more is going on with your friend, and she just might need a friend, a real friend. So, before you ridicule her for not ever going through with her daughter's parties, see if you can find out whether there have been other important events cancelled with short to no notice.

Sometimes people keep things to themselves that perhaps, if shared, would make all the difference in the world. For example, what if she is relying on the financial assistance of another, that waits until the last minute to fall through. There are also some illnesses that are silent. But before we berate her intentions, let's see if we can find out if she needs help of some form. The situation can possibly be bigger than the both of you.

Your "friend" is totally self centered and doesn't seem to see how others, including her own daughter, are inconvenienced by her actions. Her response to you when you try to talk to her about these types of issues is immature. I believe I would look elsewhere for friendship until this "friend" grows up.

Hi,

I would ask yourself why you are so close to this mother? Are your values, morals, ways of parenting similar to hers?
If she continues to do this year after year, I would not tell my kids about the party so they won't be disappointed when she cancels. Just tell the friend that you have other family plans.

Wow!! She sounds very selfish. I can not imagine staying silent if I had 3 children dressed up and waiting for a fun party only to find it was canceled. Think long and hard if she is the type of friend you need in your life. Confront her and be honest about what you think and feel. If you get the cold shoulder, so be it. I don't think you should stay silent. Three years in a row is out of control. Either her family is very sick all the time and has to cancel things a lot or she is having a lot of trouble managing her life. It is very sad and disappointing for the girls.