Update - Is This Rude?

I thought it was rude that he invited himself over.

If they cancel, for whatever reason, that's not rude. Perhaps he realized what he had done, and instead of apologizing, decided to back out. Maybe something very personal came up and they don't want to talk about it, or have all the questions, so they lied.

Either way, I do think they don't have the foresight to think about how their behavior affects others.

These things happen, plans change, life goes on. I think you are only so bothered by it because the men generated the plans, left you out of it to begin with, and now they "fell apart" and you are left with "nothing" to do this weekend. That is my perception of the two posts and I think you have choices to make.

I for one would call her and say that you are sorry the plans fell thru and would like to host everyone for dinner (if that is possible) still. You could also call and find out if they would like to get together in another form since everone's plans were cancelled. In addition you could gripe to her about how inconvienent all of this was and now, in the end it is all cancelled and you are miffed with her and the situation as a whole. Finally, you can slowly write off the friendship and move in another direction.

Either way you will be left feeling uncomfortable - the friendship's continuation seems uncomfortable for you and for a short while the dissolvement will feel uncomfortable. Do what is right for you - myself (based on the posts) I would forgive her, after grumbling to someone (I think you just did on here) first.

I don't think either event was rude-asking to stay the night or cancelling the day before. ANY friend who asked to stay at my house would be welcome because I would assume it was needed or they wouldn't ask. And if it became uneccesary, would you want them to stay over anyway just because they had already made plans with you? I think this must be about something else, not the party, but definitely something!

I missed you original post, but went back and just read it.

I am wondering if it just where I live, but I would have no problem with any of our GOOD FRIENDS asking to stay over. Even if we were not here, I would tell them we already have plans, but make yourself at home..Most of our really good friends are like family.. And I know they would be fine if we asked the same of them..

This is why I am so confused as to why in the first post you felt like somehow the wife should have spoken to you about this?.. But the husband made the arrangements with your husband.. Both grown ups, both able to make decisions..

This could be arraigned by my husband and it would be fine with me. ..

I also would have been very up front.. We have plans, so we will be in and out.. Or, I am just going to order some pizzas for dinner, is that ok with all of you?

Heck I own so many linens, extra towels, sheets, etc.. are always available..

And why would you cancel the Girl Scout event? You could have even "Gasp" asked one of her friends parents to take her, because you would not be able to take her.. I would not have skipped.. I would have left husband with his friend and his children and gone.

These were not people moving in or taking a vacation at your home.. it was just like a sleepover..

It sounds like it shook you up for some reason.. just not sure exactly why..

And for them to cancel the day before.. I would think you would be relieved.

Not rude on the 24th and not rude this time.. I just think you got flustered being hostess to a man and his children in your home.

Hi P.,
This has now turned into rude behavior, you are right. And someone's not telling the truth. I think I might just let your friend know that you cancelled YOUR plans to accommodate and help out w/ her kids and husband. I think a call or message to the wife is in order. Nothing too snarky, but some good-natured ribbing with a tone that matches: "So, hey, thanks for the messages cancelling tomorrow night. Just want to let you know that *I* turned down a girl scout event with my daughter so that I could be on hand to help out with your husband and kids! BTW, what is the official reason for cancelling? Yours or your husband's?"

It's not rude to call a friend and ask if you/your kids can spend the night in a few weeks, which is what her husband did, calling your husband and asking.

It WOULD be rude for her to call as well (after her husband asked and was answered), and ask again (as if your husband didn't have the right to say yes, assumed he wouldn't talk to you, etc.). She didn't call and double ask, so that wasn't rude.

It's also not rude to call and cancel, more than a day in advance.

Disappointing? Yes. Frustrating? Sometimes. But not rude.

As to there being different reasons? Well, they might have half a dozen different reasons, or they might be making those up to cover something that is either hurtful or none of your business. If it was something hurtful, then it's the opposite of rude to not mention that. If it was a 'family matter', I can think of 1000 things that could cause a cancellation that are no one else's business but theirs (from ovulating to cancer to to to to... things that are private family matters).

I'm sorry. I understand this has made you angry from start to finish, but I don't see the other family as having been rude / at fault in this.

No. It's not rude that they each contacted you to let you know the plans had changed. I don't see how canceling was indicative of them not caring about your family's schedule. At least they contacted you rather than just not show up and not say anything. Why would they give you an "option" as to what *you* want to do? That makes no sense for this situation.

As far as them having two different excuses perhaps they had a list of reasons and each of them felt the excuse they gave was the bigger factor. Perhaps they caught your vibe about not wanting to host.
Perhaps they somehow came across your first post--- it could happen.

Why are you so upset about something you initially complained about?
What did you do that was so major that they ruined for you? I haven't read anything that says you went out of your way for them.
I assume your house was already clean and stocked with groceries so there should not have been much to do besides wait for their arrival.
Now you are not housing someone you feel invited himself and his children. Rejoice!
What if her thing was cancelled and the husband and kids still came?
I think you'd be upset then too.
Why can't you still go to the Girl Scout BBQ? I think there is something else going on with you and/or these people that you are not telling.

So that you don't need to look back, this is what I said on your first post:
"She's a different personality than you. I'll bet she runs around like a chicken with her head cut off. When she hangs up the phone with a friend, she is onto the next thing and barely remembers your conversation.

And not you specifically, P. - ALL her friends.

Some people are flighty like that. It is rude to you, but it hasn't even occurred to her. To her, it's normal.

These kinds of friends who are different from you have to be taken in measured doses. Don't let them use you (much), but take every opportunity to enjoy them on terms that you set so that you don't bear the brunt of what you consider "rude."

I wil NOW say either measured doses or not at all. I have to admit, that if I were you, I would send an email with one sentence - "I wish you would have let me know earlier so that I wouldn't have turned down the girl scout bbq for my kids." If you don't do this, she will have absolutely NO consequence for this evening. And she won't have a clue why you don't want to see her much anymore. You owe YOURSELF this. Send the email!

Tell your husband that he is not allowed to make ANY plans with this family, period. That way you can control whether or not you get together. If you want to get together.

Dawn

Why would the wife have to call you if her husband already talked to your husband? Do the husbands check in with each other after you wives make plans?

I don't understand a lot of your decisions in this situation. Why did you have to turn down the girl scout bbq? You could have taken the daughter involved in scouts and had a mom/daughter outing. Men can cook and entertain guests for a couple of hours on their own. It may not be how you would do it, but I'm sure they would get by.

Why could you go to the movies, but not the bbq?

Why can't you still go to the movies?

Why do you care so much if her friendship is worth so little to you?

No, the wife wasn't rude by not "checking in with you" after your husbands made plans for Friday night about the sleep-over. It was arranged by the husbands. If it bothered you so much and you needed to firm things up you could have called the wife yourself.

As for the rest of it, I see no reason at all for you to have rearranged your entire schedule for the night. No reason to have cancelled the Girl Scout event, and making new plans. You could have asked them to entertain themselves for the evening until such time as you got back from the commitment you had already made or "I'll see you at bed time." Plan to point out what food is available in the house and let them fend for themselves or have the husband deal with it. After all, they would have been HIS guests.

But it's moot since they cancelled. And now you don't like how they cancelled even though they were polite enough to do it a full day ahead. Clearly they DO CARE about your schedule because they told you the day before and you can readjust your schedule so that your daughter doesn't have to miss out on her Girl Scout end of year BBQ. The troop will be thrilled to have you guys attend. Apologize to the troop leader, let her know that you were trying to accommodate some house guests who ended up cancelling, but you'll be attending after all.

Then try to let it go and talk to your husband. Tell him that the next time this family asks him for a favor, you would appreciate it if he first said, "Let me talk to P. first and see if we have any other commitments on the calendar. One of us will get back to you soon." That way you can talk about it and it buys you both some time.

i dont think its rude at all to cancel if things come up a day in advance. My brother and I plan sleepovers for our kids all of the time and often cancel last minute if something comes up. In their opinion it was J. a sleep over visit...they werent aware you cancelled other things...and not plans changed for them so they cancelled the fun overnight trip to friends. ? I don't see the big deal.
However it does seem you and the wife are fake friends and dont really like eachother

I still don't think she was rude. Maybe she knows he usually forgets to tell people plans changed. Rude would have been to not tell you they canceled.

I don't understand your comment that their canceling makes it obvious they don't care about you or your schedule. How could they have better shown concern for your schedule?

I know I commented that not being invited to the party would upset me more. That was how I would feel. I hope you didn't take that as meaning I thought you were upset by not being invited.

When looking at your first question I still wouldn't think she was being rude, just not involved in her husband's plan. But she did get rude when she involved herself in canceling her husband's plan. I would be offend that she called to cancel plans she didn't even make with your husband or you.

I would be upset too! Your feelings are yours no one elses, they are neither right nor wrong they are what they are. And still go to the movie, you deserve a night out, I am sure your hubby and kids can find something else to do! Good daddy kid bonding time!

i didn't read the first post but i would have been hurt on both counts. rude. yep.

They sound self centered. I see no need to get back with them...they come and go as they please, so don't worry about a call back, I don't think they would. Maybe nxt time just give your husband the heads up to check in with you about plans with them.

It seems to me that the real problem here is that you aren't as close to these people as your husband is and you were asked to do a "close friend" type of favor by proxy.
If I were in your shoes I'd sit down with DH and explain to him that you don't feel as close to them as he does and that in the future if he wants to do them a favor he needs to be the one to re-arrange his schedule or make whatever sacrifice it is.

When I read your original post, I thought she was rude (or at least very self-centered and inconsiderate).

Reading this update just reaffirmed that.

Before it happens again, sit down and have a talk with your DH and make sure he knows not to give a yes or no to this kind of request without first talking to you, out of courtesy. And next time, even if DH says yes before talking to you, cal her back and say with a super sweet voice, "Oh, so sorry Suzy/Jill/Beth/whatever, DH forgot to check the schedule, and it just won't work for us to host your family."

Be honest with your DH that you think they're behavior is rude, particularly hers, but that you're not trying to hurt his friendship with the other guy, and that you'd be glad to do what you can to help facilitate their (DH & other guy's) get togethers. But that based on previous experience, you don't feel you need to go out of your way to be helpful or nice to the wife & kids, since she seems to only think of herself.

I agree with YOU. I think it is rude. She is your friend and should have called you when making the plans and when cancelling. Us women usually end up doing all the work when someone stays over. And I would have changed my schedule also. Its a lot to have people stay over. I didnt think you were wrong with the first post either. I would be livid if my husband made plans with another husband to stay at MY house and did not talk to me. So your completely right to feel the way your feeling.

I say, if someone is causing you this much inner turmoil, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. It doesn't sound like you're super crazy about the wife, anyway. I don't blame you for being upset by the cancellation.

The DH invited himself over, basically, and you all rearranged your schedule & sacrificed other invites in preparation of this night, all to have them give differing reasons for cancelling at the last minute. Which, IMO, is very rude.

Rude! First off I didn't read previous post but YOU DON'T just invite yourself to sleep over to anyones house and if I rearranged my life to help you out I would be pissed. Friends treat friends better

These things happen. Maybe they didn't handle it in the best way possible (maybe the really did have 2 reasons they needed to cancel), but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. I do remember your post, and I remember thinking that it sounded a lot like the wife is one of those people who tend to get flustered easily. She has a lot on her plate and jumps from one thing to another. I'm like that. I'll start the dishes, one kid will need me so I'll stop to help him, another kid with need something so I'll deal with that, then I notice the dryer is done and start folding clothes, before I finish that I'll remember to RSVP for something and I won't want to forget - before you know it, half the day is gone and I still haven't finished those darn dishes.

I don't think you're wrong. I think she's being unintentionally inconsiderate.

Can you still go to a movie - maybe dad can do something with the kids? Is it really too late to go to the Girl Scout BBQ? Sometimes it's not a big deal to say yes at the last minute. Just something to think about.

Try not to take it personally. Just have fun with your family.

inviting yourself is totally rude!!! I hate even when my kids friends call and ask if they can come over! Drives me crazy and i never let my kids do that (maybe with grandparents but thats it)
And canceling last minute is also rude. If this is a casual mostly unimportant to your happiness friendship i would as growingupfast said let it die.

I wish I had better advice, but stuff like this right here is why I am a weird little hermit and thoroughly enjoy it. I'm too sensitive!!!

I concur with what Dawn said!

You know people invite themselves on sleep overs at my house more often than I would like. I am a private person. For some reason it is different having a grown up in comparison to a kid. I have come to understand that it is my responsibility to make sure they have a clean sheet, pillow and blanket. Otherwise it is not my responsibility to entertain them. As far as them both canceling . . . my guess is they both picked up from you or one of your family members that they were not welcome and made alternate plans.

Maybe she felt bad that she didn't invite you, and her husband invited himself and the kids over to your house. Maybe (& this is something MY husband would do) he didn't tell her that he invited himself and the kids over, and she flipped out when he finally told her. She probably told him to call and cancel and figured he wouldn't, do she called! I could totally see my husband doing something stupid like that, and not understanding what the big deal is??????

Wait, I think I may be missing something but.......someone invited themselves to your house and that's not rude? That's RUDE! You are much more accomadating than I am, I would have said NO and gone ahead with my original plans in the first place. I'd cut ties with these people, just let the friendship die because you don't need this, time is to short.

it is always rude to invite yourself to someones house, even only for an hour, but certainly for a meal and over night, that is beyond rude. and canceling last minute without a major reason why is also very rude. I would cut them out of my life, dont need friends like that.

You must not hide from this family....just let them know there will be NO overnight stays at your home for a while. You do not owe them or anyone a reason...it is your home.

If someone comes knocking on your door, unless it's the police or a family emergency, you have no obligation to answer.

Some people just don't have a clue that they are just overbearing bores, and/or clueless obnoxious bores.

i am confused on why the husband and kids couldnt sleep at their own house party or not .if it was me i would of said no im sorry u cant stay here u have your own house
and if i was the husband i would of said to the wife hell no im not sleeping at a friends house... but maybe im not getting all the story.

I do think its rude to cancel last minute especially if you're making dinner and you have to plan for extra people. If someone were to cancel, I would rather know a day before than 2 hours before they were supposed to arrive. I would have let my kids go to the girl scout BBQ even if company were coming with kids. Thats just me though. I wouldn't expect my friends to keep their kids from enjoying something fun especially at the end of the school year.

That does sound rude. However, I don't think there is anything you could or should do to change the situation. See if you can still go to BBQ and tread cautiously next time your families make plans (meaning; have a plan B that works in your favor).