Consequences for My 9 Year Old-cancelling Slumber Party

I would not cancel a kid's party over grades. I don't see how the two are related. If a punishment should fit the crime, then add more study time to her day, or something else related to those two subjects. Taking away a planned party will put her in a bad spot with her friends and be demotivated even more towards school. What are you doing to motivate her to be interested in her own achievements? or those two subjects?

Has she been evaluated for ADD? The behaviors you are describing sound very much like a child, particularly a girl, with ADD (not ADHD).

I think cancelling her b-day party is a little harsh and like others have said, has nothing to do with grades.

If you have already invited the guests then I would not cancel. If they invites have not gone out then cancel. Dont punish other kids.

This is just MY opinion but I don't think you should ever take away a bday party or gift if they are not doing well in school. Birthday parties and gifts are celebrations of their LIFE, not their grades in school.

I would not cancel the party but would be very firm about losing something else for a MONTH until grades improve. Also, school is almost out so you have to be careful because there isn't much time to get grades up!

Next year, ask the teacher to make a daily agenda that goes back and forth between home and school. Every day your daughter has to fill out what is due for homework that day and the teacher initals it. Then she brings it home, you know what she needs to do, you initial that she did it and its in the agenda, then it goes back to school. Teacher looks at it, sees work was done and that you initialed it. We have to do this for my ADD daughter. It works wonders. Everyone knows what exactly is going on, nothing gets lost and she can't say she doesn't have any because it will be in the agenda! Good luck!

I really don't see how a birthday party is connected to grades, I think that should be TOTALLY separate. A birthday is a special day to celebrate who your child IS, not what she DOES. That's just my opinion, obviously!

Have you tried some kind of reward system? Is there something she may be motivated to earn by doing better in school?

I have three kids, one in college, one in high school and one in middle school, and I can tell you it's VERY hard to get kids to really care about their grades, unless THEY care about the work themselves you're just setting yourself up for many years of grief and misery. I was always a good student, cared about doing well, and for the most part enjoyed learning. AND I came from a very broken home! A lot of it really is how you are "wired." Like your daughter, my kids have every advantage, but they have no motivation or desire to be on the honor roll.

I've been able to accept their B/C averages because they are GREAT kids, well behaved and respectful, other adults love them and compliment them all the time and they have NEVER gotten into any real trouble. It could be a whole lot worse, I count my blessings every day :)

You invited the other kids already? I would not cancel at this point. That would be rude. People juggle schedules and make plans around kid parties and sleepovers.
I think cancelling a birthday celebration is hitting below the belt for your daughter too.
IME, before you state the consequence, be prepared to go through with it at any cost.
Sorry....my .02!

idk, i don't think i'd have planned a "large sleepover" for her with that type of a contingency... have you already invited the other children? that's setting her up for a lot of embarassment, etc. i'm big on grades, being strict, and holding my bottom line - but i think i'd talk to her. let her know that sometimes parents make judgment errors, and that you are going to allow her to celebrate her birthday as planned. if her grades are still rough, i'd add more study time to her daily routine and impose other punishments/rewards on a weekly basis - but i don't think i'd cancel a large party, especially one that other parents may have already made other plans around...

If you didn't tell her that having the party depends on improvement in her grades then it's not fair to cancel the party, in my opinion. Kids need to know in advance what their consequence will be, especially when it's for an ongoing problem. That gives them something to work towards.

I suggest that this is common behavior for this age. They are still learning responsibility. I suggest you talk with her teacher and ask for help monitoring her work. As S.H. said most classrooms have a folder that you should be seeing every night. If she's not bringing one home or isn't writing in it, then discuss with the teacher a different way of monitoring.

My grandchildren's teachers communicate directly with their parents when school work is suffering. First with a written note sent home most nights. If that doesn't work, they've sent e-mails to the parents to keep them up to date.

This difficulty is common and the teacher will have helpful suggestions.

One of the things that my daughter and her husband do is require that their 11 yo daughter spend 30 minutes every night doing something academic. When she says she has no homework she still has to spend 30 minutes reading. This seems to be the way all of the teachers in my granddaughter's school handles this.

My granddaughter has learned to enjoy reading in part because of this policy.

If her grades are mostly A's and B's with one C then she is doing well in school. If she gets a D, then have her focus on that subject while praising her for the good grades. Positive reinforcement works much better than negative enforcement. I don't see how a slumber party is related to grades. It would be much better to require her to work for a certain amount of time or topic each night. This would be teaching her how to be responsible.

Do you sit down with her every night to look over her work with her? If not spending this sort of positive time with her will also teach her responsibility.

I also think it gives a negative message about celebrating her birthday. I might feel differently about cancelling it if the party weren't for her birthday. A birthday party is to celebrate her birth and her life with you. To tie it in with her grades gives the message that her birth is less important than grades.

Rather than going the "punishment" route, have you considered really getting to the root of the problem? Maybe she needs some better tools or more guidance. Are you asking the right questions? Nine years old is very young for total "personal responsibility."

When I was 12 my reading teaching began the school year by giving us the entire list of everything we needed to complete by Christmas. I was terrified!!! It sounded impossible to me. My solution? Pretend it didn't exist. My parents didn't find out until October. I was so far behind! I'm sure they were furious, but it was a wake-up call to them as well. They stopped asking me if I had any homework. My dad made a list of all my classes, and each evening began the list of his questions: What did you do in English today? Do you have any assignments coming up? Anything due tomorrow? Anything do later this week? Anything due next week? Any papers? Any quizzes? Any tests? What did you do in science today? Do you have any assignments coming up? Anything due tomorrow? Anything do later this week? Anything due next week? Any papers? Any quizzes? Any tests? What did you do in math today? You get the idea.

I guess what I'm saying is, maybe it's time to take a more involved approach and not just leave it all up to her. She's not ready.

A birthday is a once a year event. Grades are all year long. Grades can go up or down. A birthday comes and goes and you have to wait a whole year for another one. I do not see how this punishment fits the situation. Have her not watch tv at night and do homework, email the teacher for awhile to find out what is expected from her, make her do extra chores and think about ways to improve her grades. Make up some kind of game to play to help her learn. I would not cancel a once a year event. Birthdays are a very special occasion and should never be cancelled unless an illness or emergency. You are celebrating their life and the fact that they are a gift to you! A miracle from God! JMHO.

Kids typically come home, with a homework folder or school planner. In it, daily as a class, they are supposed to write in it, what is homework and what is coming up. Also, there will be papers for the parents as well, sent home in that folder.

Does she have this?
My daughter is 9 and my son is 5, they are both in school and I check their homework folder daily.
So I know what is coming up and what they need to do.

If your daughter is not coming home with a homework folder/homework nor is writing it down, then you need to also ask the Teacher, what is their routine, daily, per their assignments. And tell her what the problem is.

In 4th grade, it will be more responsibility. And the kids are expected to be more independent. Per their taking their homework home, writing down their assignments and bringing home what is needed.

**Adding This:
Your daughter's problem, seems to be that she does not know how to organize herself and seems to "forget" homework.
Organization skills, for some, are learned. And taught.
And, every classroom has a routine to it. If your daughter cannot follow direction or know the classroom routines by now, you need to speak to the teacher. And ask the teacher IF homework is given daily. Usually it is. So "no homework" is uncommon.

But if your daughter is "lying" about homework, that is another issue.

To me, her problem is organization. And consciously not keeping track of homework. Maybe just being "lazy."
She already gets A's and B's... so, it seems... she can do the work... if she is keeping up and studies. But so, perhaps a "Tutor" is not the answer. Because academically, she seems to get A's and B's. Meaning she can do the work. Academically. Her issue is: she is not organized, and "forgets" and seems lazy, to keep up to date. And does not study as she should.
Study skills... is her other issue. Thusly.

I wouldn't cancel a birthday party. Is there anything else you can take away? Also, have you been in contact with the teacher about what the homework is and when tests are? My daughter is only in 2nd grade, but each week we get a sheet with the weeks homework assignments printed on it so we know what is due. This happens in all grades. In 2nd grade we don't have letter grades yet, so that is something we will deal with next year. Every night you need to ask her what the homework is and make sure she does it. Nine is a little young for total personal responsibility in my opinion.

Nine years old means third grade, right? That's the year to solidify reading skills. How is her reading? If it is lacking, it may be the root to all of her problems, especially if she is being required to read for content. Not being able to read well is often masked by a "this kid is lazy" label. Some kids do not know how to ask for help.

To establish a routine, whenever there is "no homework," then require an hour of reading the books of her choice. This will build reading stamina, vocabulary and fluency, as well as widening her knowledge of the world. I know some parents that go to the extent that they have their children write summaries or book reports or create other assignments to complete.

Another choice is to have her review whatever was studied in school that day, whether or not homework was assigned. Practice three math problems. Research something you are curious about by developing questions for which to find the answers. Go on a nature walk. Build something. Play an instrument.

Another option is to have your child "teach" you what she has learned that day. That would reinforce the concepts and facts and you may even get a glimpse of whether or not your child understands what she explains to you.

Ask, "How can I help you? Equate not completing with needing assistance.

Beyond grades, I'd call and ask what my child is struggling with as far as understanding the material. Aim for the learning, and the grades will take care of themselves.

Oh yeah, the party. If the invites have gone out, have the party.

I agree with many of the posters: cancelling a slumber party may not be the best choice for many reasons, and I'm not sure it will do what you want it to do, which is to improve her study habits.

If it were me, I'd give her the choice of cancelling the party (because you'd mentioned it to her before) OR having her sign a written agreement with you and Dad so she understands that she's making an important commitment to follow-through with improving her habits.

This agreement should include exactly what Ms Kitty stated: she must take a notebook to school each day and write down her assignments; get the teacher in on this and have he/she initial it each day. Also, I'd actually ask the teacher if you could do a short phone conference once a week to make sure that she is staying on track and handing assignments in when completed. Make sure you have the 'big picture' of what's going on at school.

The agreement should also include a designated homework time right after school, meaning come home, snack time, and then schoolwork until it's done. THEN she gets to play. Playtime does not come before schoolwork.

Just curious--does she have any other personal responsibilities besides schoolwork? Might be good to give her a few household tasks to help with if she doesn't. Making positive contributions to our family's well-being can help her to feel good about making an effort and following through with tasks, even if they aren't academic.

I think the punishment seems fair in terms of your daughter but my first thought was - what about the other kids?? How much notice will you be giving the other parents if you cancel? It may seem silly but one of the few times my husband and I go out are when our daughters are at a party or something like that so if we'd made plans, I'd be a bit bummed/annoyed that you canceled for a reason other than illness etc. Nevermind my daughter would likely be disappointed too, maybe we already got a gift etc. So that's one factor. Otherewise, it seems fair to cancel somethign like this if you've given her warning, she's definitely capable of better grades etc.

You need to put your foot down. The kid is failing school and she needs to learn that is unacceptable. That means canceling the party and not feeling guilty about it. It's not your fault it's being canceled, it's your daughter's.

birthdays are birthdays. i can't fathom canceling a child's birthday celebration over grades. does poor performance mean no one's interested in celebrating the fact that this child was born?
find a punishment that fits the crime, if indeed you feel this is a crime that must be punished. i personally would be looking for ways to help her, not make her feel worse.
khairete
S.

I think the birthday sleepover should be a completely different matter. I'm sure there are a million other ways to get her on the right track. Ask the teacher to send home an assignment chart everyday until she gets it together. This is nothing new for kids to do this. If she sends the assignment chart...problem solved. Some kids need that extra boost.

My nine year old daughter has been doing a bit of the same, she has been really forgetful in bringing assignments to and from school, and when I looked online at her grades she had a couple of grades that were unacceptable, she is usually a very good student. I spoke with her teacher and she said it is not uncommon at all this time of the year, she said many of the kids in the class are having spring fever. Now everyday when I pick her up I make sure and ask that she has all her homework with her and make sure she puts it in her back pack as soon as she finishes it at night. But forgetting and admitting to forgetting and forgetting and lying about it are a little different. And yes I would also expect my child to take persona responsibility, if we dont teach them it now (with a little help and reminding form us) when will they learn! That being said if you feel, as her mother, that taking the slumber party away from her is what she needs for a wake up call then by all means do it!!! Yes, you will probably feel bad a a little guilty but you will get through it just like our parents did with us! GOOD luck to you!

I wouldn't cancel the party.

My daughter will be 9 in June so they are about the same age. She struggled most of this year until we changed classes. She was having trouble with her first teacher and it just made things too hard for her. He took the most simple task and turned it difficult. My daughter couldn't even write 3 sentences using the word dance in differente tenses...it was sad.

This new teacher has her calmed down and she is back to doing well. We also stay on top of her with her work and stay in contact with all of our kids teachers. If she tells me she has no homework and I know she should, I will email the teacher. If she tells me there is no test and there should be one, I email the teacher.

I think if you contact the teacher, she will keep in touch with you and making sure things get done.

So I would not cancel the party, but think of some other consequence for it.

At this age though, she really still needs you and the teacher to work together. I think if the communication had been open there, then this wouldn't be happening now.

If she knew the sleepover party was contingent on working harder and pulling her grades up, following through and cancelling will be a good way to show her there's consequences to her actions (or lack thereof) and drive your words home.

I wouldn't feel guilty or worry that others may be disappointed, she is your child and you have to do what is best for your situation and her, you are doing what you said you would do, SHE did not follow through. Staying consistent in doing what you said you would will tell her you stick to your word, and make her think twice the next time you draw a line in the sand, she'll know you mean it. Backing down will tell her you don't mean what you say and she doesn't need to take you seriously.

{{HUGS}}, i know it's hard, been there.

My 11th g started having school problems in 3rd g. She was finally diagnosed w/ dyslexia last year. Maybe your child has a reading disorder, or other learning disorder. I told teachers for years that a disconnect was present between my child's knowledge and her test results, they all assured me there wasn't because my child got mostly A's. My daughter was extremely frustrated in areas she couldn't show her knowledge.

I would give the other kids' parents a head's up about the party as far in advance as possible. You did not say how much farther ahead the party was, just that she had 2 weeks to bring up her grades.

ETA: I do think it's a good point that the party should not have been scheduled while the grades were a concern. I realize you are in a hard place now, but for future reference, consider scheduling the party ONLY IF the grades are pulled up so that you don't put anyone in the position of having to cancel. So the punishment would still be no party, but it would be decided before the invites go out.

I would sit down and talk to her. If you really feel that this was an error (the schedule before the grades) then come up with another consequence, like being grounded until that time or afterwards or manual labor.

If you have already invited people I would still do the sleep over. I would find something else to take away. I don't think I would punish my daughter by not celebrating her birthday or canceling plans.

Is it one subject she is having trouble with? Maybe it is the teacher or she does not understand the work. I would take away computer time, TV those sort of things.

Hi, K.:
I wouldn't cancel the party at this time.
The promise was already made before the problem
started.
It's interesting the poor grades started after you promised to
give her a birthday party.

What kind of expectations have you got written down for her and the consequences of each expectation. Did you and your husband sit down with her and make the list of expectations and the consequences?
If not, that is the first thing to do.

For the poor grade issue:
Sit down with her and your husband and do a circle dialogue.

Ask her these questions:
1. What is happening about the poor grades in XYZ?
2. What were you thinking of at the time you saw you had poor grades?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affected by what you have done concerning your poor grades? In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

Ask your husband these questions after he answers them then you answer them.

1. What did you think when you realized what happened about the poor grades?
2. What impact has this knowledge had on you and others.
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

All of you then have an agreement of how to make things right.

Good luck.
D.

Make a decision and stick with it guilt has no place here in regards to cancelling her party. I am sure you can find a stronger plan that fits her better and helps create a more successful environment for good grades so she can one day have that slumberparty.

Been there.

I would contact her teacher on Wed. or Thurs. and see what her grades for the last 2 weeks were. Base your allowing/canceling based on her grades and performance over the last 2 weeks, not necessarily her overall grade in the class.

If the subject is important to you, stick to you guns. I threatened 5 days before Christmas to cancel my son's Christmas because he was causing a scene at a store. He called me on it. I stuck to my promise. There was MAJOR family displeasure and I was the meanest Brinch in the world. Even hubby didn't whole heartedly agree with me.

Beginning of summer, school is a thing of the past in a couple of weeks.

I say let it go over summer then do your job starting again in the fall.

I think that is you stay in contact with the teacher and are on top of whether she is flunking tests and if she has homework you will be able to help her do better.

So, in my opinion you are doing too much too late. This is something that should have been done much earlier in the school year.

Not to be mean or anything but if you know she is not doing well and only tell she isn't going to get to do a sleepover in May it isn't going to do much to help her get caught up with the concepts she didn't get during the class time. She can't do the work right now since she missed steps earlier in the year.

So, if you want to do something now then by all means cancel the slumber party.