Birthday Party or Not?

You should not, in my opinion, link birthday celebrations to behavior. Your child should know that your love is unconditional, and you are celebrating his life, not his behavior.

I think at this age he needs to earn a party... plus you already celebrated it. its not like you did not celebrate it at all...

HTH
A. J

IMO the punishment should fit the crime, if possible and it should be immediate or ASAP. I don't know what he did or if he's been having ongoing issues but I think holding off punishment for a month isn't going to teach him anything. He is just going to be mad and will resent you. That might lead to more behavior issues.

After reading your addition to your request for advice, I felt like I needed to add a little too. You celebrated his birthday as a family. I would leave it at that and cancel the party. That is a bonus and he doesn't deserve it with the ongoing issues he's been having. I don't even think you need to "scale it back." I would have a long talk with him when there's not an issue to discuss. Show him his report card, talk about his behavior, and let him know that you wanted to have the party for him but it has been cancelled.

I also think you need to seek help from a good counselor. Don't let another minute of this go on. It will only get worse. From A's to F's is a huge red flag. I have close family members who have been dealing with this in recent months.

Well, I was going to say that I would recommend that the punishment be a natural consequence to his misbehavior, or at least somewhat related. A birthday celebration is a celebration of his birth and that you are glad that he was born, is in your life, and party of your family. Taking that away would probably not be related to his misbehavior and I would keep the 2 separate. However, when you mentioned the ongoing bad behavior and the failing grades.... I started to rethink my advice. You did already celebrate his Bday within the family, and the celebration blowout with friends is not a God-given right. If he is not being an upstanding member of the family, and is not performing satisfactorily at his "job" (school) then a big reward sounds like it is not merited. He has to learn that there are consequences to his behavior, and having a big friend party has not been earned. Good luck.

S., bless your heart. It is a dilema when you love your child and yet realize punishment is in order. Just a reminder that God says He disciplines those He loves.
Personally, I feel you have celebrated your child's birth and coming into your life with the intimate celebration on "his day" as you described. A bigger celebration needs to be postponed and his drastic behavior changes need to be addressed immediately. Now is the time to seek a good godly counselor. I HIGHLY recommend a Dr. Jerry Stettheimer on I-30 going towards Rockwall. Check out his website www.Christianfamilyservice.com . He has successfully counseled many we know when all else failed. We have used him for the past few years for a particular matter and we thank God for His wisdom. His credentials are impressive and he's easy to talk to.
These young years are gone too quickly. There's far more at stake than missing a hoop-la birthday bash. Summer's coming and there's plenty of time to celebrate as his behavior and grades improve.
I urge you and your family to consider reading Proverbs together. It's enlightening and timeless wisdom for today.
May God bless you for seeking the best for your family.

There's a saying one of my friends used at work when I was worried about screwing something up. She said, "What are they gonna do? Take your birthday away?" His behavior may deserve a punishment, but don't take away his birthday party if you've already promised that to him. If you don't want to throw a party, then take him somewhere of his choice - let him pick out a movie and dinner at his favorite restaurant and sing happy birthday. You still need to make his birthday special. As for the delayed punishment, obviously it would've been best to follow through with it right away. However, I think 10 is old enough to understand there are consequences to certain behaviors and so taking away tv or Gameboy time, early bed time, etc. now is better than letting him think the bad behavior didn't go unnoticed.

Well, in my opinion, birthday celebrations are not to be used as punishments. We are celebrating the day they came into the world, and good or bad, we want the kids to know that we love them and celebrate them on that special occassion. Now, should he be punished for misbehaving??Well, yes, just something immediate and fit to what he did. I dont know how you typically discipline, but reminding him of bad behavior a month later seems a bit much. For me, we tend to turn to extra chores for kids who misbehave due to "too much time on their hands" or remove other privelages that mean a lot to them, ie..games, tv, play time with friends. I am not one who believes in grounding for a week, or other such things, but removal of something favorite for a period of time is reasonable. I hope you find something that works, and that you all can enjoy his birthday celebration. ~A.~

I don't think it is fair to withold the party as punishment. I agree with another response...if you do that, it could create resentment and you may end up with bigger issues.

I don't mean to sound rude but.........It is his 10th birthday and he deserves recognition on his day..........even if you don't "feel" like doing it.

Find another punishment.

I would be more concerned with finding out the reason his grades have dropped so severely, so quickly. That does not happen without a reason. I would have the party, maybe it is just what he needs.

Hi S.! If you already told him he was going to have a big party and you didn't threaten to take that away from him as a result of his bad behavior then I would go ahead and do the party. I think the bigger, more obvious issue here is his performance in school comparing last year and this year. That is a huge RED FLAG to me. I would start to worry about my son if that were him. Has he changed peer groups???? Is he being bullied at school? Or maybe he has been experimenting with drugs (you never know unless you ask and investigate). THat is a drastic change so something is going on with him and you need to get to the root of the problem sooner rather than later. I wish you lots of luck!

S., I too have a 10 year old son - that over the past two months has done a 360. His grades are progressively getting worse, he's very compative and wants to argue about everything. He is constantly being corrected and written up at school - at least once a week. I too struggled with taking everything that was fun away from him, but it never seemed to work. All that said - I think you've done enough. He needs to know that his actions cause consequences and maybe something as large as not having a birthday party will matter to him, to where he wants to turn his actions around. Why go to that expense? He probably won't appreciate your efforts anyway.

I also have to tell you - that my son's teacher said a lot of his acting out - loss of control was something he could not prevent. They have tested him and determined that he is definitely ADD - which I have fought for a long time. But to hear the dr. describe the symptoms and the fact that he totally can't help himself made me realize that by not treating him - I am leaving him in this constant state of turmoil expecting behavior that he can't provide. I'm not sure what your son's symptoms are - but my son could not stop talking and blurting out in the middle of class, he interrupts constantly and can never get his act together.

I would suggest speaking to a dr. if you son has the same symptoms.

Good luck and may God give you the comfort and peace you need to give your son the love he deserves and truly is looking for. Keep on - your doing great - it's clear you care.

L.

Did you tell him you would take away his party because of his behavior? If so, then you have to follow through. We've had to do this before, and believe me, it was very hard. But if at 10 you don't do what you say, you're in for some long and difficult teen years. Also, if his grades have dropped that much, are you sure nothing is going on at school? Is he being bullied, is his sister's passing within this time period, does he have a learning disability? Our's started showing signs well before we seeked treatment, and we regret it to this day. So maybe your could talk to the school counselor, or even have a meeting with your ped.. You talk to the ped. first, and then let your son talk to him privatly. This maybe his way of asking for help, but he doesn't know how. So acting out or letting his grades fall might be his way of getting your attention. Now he has it, so the next step is up to you as parents.Just some suggestions you might think about, but if this has all happened this school year, there is probably more to this. We've been there with more than one of ours, so don't wait to dig a little. Good luck!

S.,
No idea about the birthday party, but with this misbehavior, he is telling you something -- what is he trying to tell you?? I love Dr. Jane Nelsen, "Positive Discipline." Read her books, and look at her Mistaken Goal Charts -- that will tell you a geat deal. Her books will be available at your public library -- easy to read. I raised my children on them (the ideas work for husbands too -- just be mum about what you are doing to them -- bless their little hearts-----------)
A.

Everyone deserves a birthday party to celebrate the day they were born. He may feel like you don't treasure that day if you take the party away.

He should feel like a very special part of your life EVERYDAY, but especially on HIS birthday!! Whatever you decide, make it a special special day for him! Don't link his bad behaviour to whether or not he gets a great birthday party. The opposite may be true- he'll have good behaviour because you showed how much you cared and gave him a great birthday. Boost him up and make hiim feel like a million bucks!

First, you need to figure out the cause of this change in behavior. It may be something you never expected. I'm a teacher, and I've found that there is often some other cause besides simply slacking off or laziness. Even then, why did a good kid suddenly stop caring about doing well?

Assuming you can be sure this behavior is not caused by something else that needs to be addressed, here's an idea for your to consider. Because the party is a few weeks away, could you use it as an INCENTIVE to make a few specific changes in his behavior? It could be tied to "exhibiting 10 year old behavior" and fulfilling the responsibilities that come along with being that age, like completing schoolwork to the best of his ability.

If you do this, be sure to set very specific goals that can realistically be met, not a general "better behavior" statement. Also, make it do-able, as in a couple of steps in the right direction, not "solve the entire problem" in two weeks. If he experiences success, it can be a powerful motivator to keep trying for more success!

Since the family made his actual birthday special already, this really isn't a party to celebrate his birthday--it's an excuse to have a party for him. That's fine, but you won't blot out the birthday that already took place by not having a party. We had my youngest son's birthday party a couple of months after his birthday at age 10, because he wanted to wait for our pool to be finished being built and have a pool party. People brought gifts and there was a cake, but it didn't feel like his birthday, because it wasn't his birthday.

Since there's still several weeks to go, if it's possible to wait till the end of March to decide, that might be the way to go. Let him think he's not getting a party based on his bad behavior; if he turns it around and is back on track, maybe it makes sense to surprise him? I don't have kids this age yet, so not sure about what to do. Good luck!

When my daughter was 8, she was caught lying and even worse, encouraging her friends to lie about the same thing also. It was 2 weeks before her birthday and invitations had already been sent out for a big party. As a punishment for lying, we canceled her party, made her tell her friends and their parents that the party was canceled and why. And stuck to our guns through all the wheedling and whining in the coming weeks. She is now 13 and talks about how that was a defining moment and she realized how serious we were about telling the truth.

Serious behaviour requires serious (for them) consequences.

S.,

Yank the party! I don't understand all the hoopla that goes into kids birthday's now days. For my kids, it has been, and will continue to be simple...

Make their day all about them. They get the cake, ice cream, meal of their choice (homemade or going out to eat), decorations of balloons, streamers, and happy birthday banner, present(s), a friend or two to celebrate the day, and lots of love.

He already had a good birthday - now his behavior problem is STILL surfacing - I wouldn't do the party AT ALL!

Definitely NO party/gifts. When my daughter was 12 years old, she had treated the cat badly, made not the best grades, started sassing me, so when Christmas rolled around that year, guess what? No Christmas for her! Think of the soup man on Senfield! Anyways...she did not believe I would follow through and I did... she was highly disappointed but learned a lesson.

Hang in there. Remember you are the parent and he is the child. If he thinks he's getting terrible treatment, tell him to think about those really poor children that live in the slums of India...

Good luck.

You already celebrated his birthday. He had his special dinner, cake, present etc. He knows you love him. He know you recognize the day he was born. You should feel no guilt not doing the 'friend' birthday party. (Based on some of the responses I don't know some read your entire request stating that he already had a family party).

My only concerns are that no knowing what he did its hard to know if the punishment fits the crime- but if its on going this could help curb it.

Also, it is a while away- it is best to have a punishment be immediate to be more effective.

Lastly, you stated that he would of had the party had it happened closer to his actual birthday- but being delayed for other reasons it gave him the 'opportunity' to mess up.

My last question- Is that the only thing that could be used as a punishment?

I just had to respond to this one... because we just went through this. My daughter turned 10 in February and we delayed her party as well... just about a week. She decided to get angry about the day her party fell on because it was Valentines day... I thought that would be a great thing, since it was a sleepover and it could help out the other parents that we know by providing some childcare on that night. Well, I quickly informed her that we did not have to have this party... we dont do 'parties' every year... with 3 kids gets pretty pricey, so every 2 years is what we do. She quickly fell into place to keep the party, and I DO NOT feel bad at all for almost yanking it. Yes, we all love our children, like you said on his bday you did celebrate the day he was born... My goodness, we celebrate their life every day... I mean come on... there were bdays that I had where I didnt have a party... I dont resent my mother for that. And also remember that our children will always have something that they resent us for or are mad at us... SO WHAT????? We are the parents, we do the best we can with what God gave us. IMO..... Us parents need to take back the respect and control that we have earned in our homes!!! Let them get mad... they WILL get over it. I have always been told that if my children are always happy with ME... not just happy in general... but with me... I'm not doing my job right. Sorry, for the rambling but just kinda hit a nerve. I really hope this helps!!

Good luck!

I have 3 children and I have not had a birthday party for them every year. Financially it just isn't possible. But we do what you did on his birthday, take them out to eat, and try to make it special. They don't even get a present every year. They will be fine...you are not taking away his birthday you are only skipping the party. Give him the presents and go on.

The real problem here is not the birthday party or the lack there of. The real problem in the change in behavior and grades. You need to get to the bottom of the behavior issue. Birthdays take a back seat to real problems. From what you said this is a pretty big change and he isn't getting better. Find out...does he not understand the classes, is there a personality clash between him and the teacher, does he have new friends, maybe there is a behavioral problem that needs to be treated professionally, are you all having family issues, did he loose a pet or grandparent recently? Also, you said he was on the honor roll and this year he is making all F's. Did the school decide challenge him with harder classes this year? If so maybe he needs to go back to regular classes it would be better than sacrificing his self esteem. Our school put my oldest son in Pre-ap classes in 5th grade and at first it was a real adjustment and he struggled with his grades. Also, you said that Emily is now in heaven. Did you all lose her recently or at birth? Is her birthday close to his? I realize that this might be a tough subject, but if he lost his sister recently or if you dwell on the loss of a baby he could be acting out about that. Did you make her birthday special? If so you need to make his birthday special. Whatever it is, you need to find out and find a solution.

As long as you celebrated his bday small on the actual date, I would leave it at that. I would even return his other gifts (as long as he doesn't know you have others) if he does know, then I would let him know that you have others and that you will be giving them to him after his behavior improves.
Whatever you choose, do not let him make the decision, speak calmly to him letting him know the facts and do not express your feelings other than a few to-the-point words, such as, "You were going to receive a second birthday celebration, and now due to your choice of behavior, you will not. We'll see how you choose to behave as to what priviledges you when earn...right now you have no priviledges."
He has a right to be upset, as long as he doesn't yell or call names or hit something, etc... Let him know that he needs to go to his room until he cools off...

I would check into reasons and solutions for the underlying problem he is having.

Hope whatever you choose goes smoothly!

S., I don't think you should bring the birthday party into this, unless you were telling him before hand, that if he did not bring his grades up he would not have a party. If your child has gone from an A student to a F student, I would look for an underlying problem? Has something changed in his life that has caused him to change directions? Does he have new friends, no friends, bad friends, is he involved in too many activities, does he have too many distractions in his room and has he changed schools lately? Has something changed within the family structure, anything? I suggest you put your detective hat on. After you have ruled everything out, make the punishment match the crime. And remember to always praise the good.
Good luck,
J. W.

I would definitely celebrate his birthday (as per all the other posts) with family, dinner of choice, gift etc but not a big hoopla party. That way you're honoring his birthday but still showing that what he's up to at school is not okay either. I agree with the red flag comment about his grades--that's a radical changes for a 10 year old. Something is going on that needs investigating. Good luck.

I agree... a birthday party should not be used as a consequence/punishment. Everyone should have a birthday celebration of some kind. It's the only day out of the entire year that is just for you. And these young years are when they really like bday parties the most. I remember most of my childhood bday parties from 6 and up.

If you don't want to do a big party, perhaps just let him invite 1 or 2 closest friends over for pizza & movie night -- or a game night at Main Event or something like that.
He needs to feel special for his birthday ... he won't have another opportunity for a party for 365 more days from now.

I think if you've already promised a party for his birthday, you need to follow through. It's his BIRTHDAY! If it were a just because party, I'd change it, but for his birthday, I would follow through. No doubt about it. (I have a friend who never had birthday parties until he moved out. He has some serious resentment against his parents for not caring about the day he was born.)

You could just let him invite a few friends over for cake and ice cream and maybe a movie and popcorn, then ground him after that ongoing until his behavior changes. Have you had him tested for ADHD/ADD? I'm a softy when it comes to kids birthday parties and grounding....but it may make a difference. He may act out on his anger if he doesn't have some kind of party.

To me celebrating a birthday is not something that someone earns. It is a celebration of someones birth. It should not be a priviledge, I think it is an honor. So I would have a party for my child.

I was reading through the responses that you received and you got some very good advice. So I will keep this short and just give you my initial thoughts.

As a teacher the main thing I first thought of is whether canceling the party is actually going to make a big enough impact to fix the behavior problem. If the problem is ongoing the other "punishments" that you have used are not working and you need to get to the root of the problem. I'm sure you have talked to his teachers to see if it is behavioral or educational challenges. Sometimes behavioral challenges are also linked to either being bored or overwhelmed in school.

Back to the party... If he is excited about the party and you think that canceling it will get him back on track then that is a good decision.

In my opinion, everyone deserves a very special day for their birthday.
Consequences for bad behavior should come from another source, such as no computor or tv or some priviledge for a few days or a month if necessary.
God is very forgiving and we have to be the same by example if we are to teach our kids to follow in our footsteps.
Make the rules to follow by for bad behavior and have a wonderful party aside from that.
V.