Neighborhood Mom and Kids

You might want to try saying that when your children have a play date -- they are unavailable to play. The parents of your little guests agreed to have their children at your house because they trust you. You are not really in a position to add more children to the house (as much as you might like to mention that it is just rude to invite your self over to someone's house -- especially when they already have complany).

As far as the rough play goes -- I have had to say, "When you play at our house, everyone must be treated nicely and be included. Remember, anyone who cannot follow those rules will need to leave." Do not be afriad to follow through -- this is your house and your family. I have said, "I am so sorry but ____ pushed _____ and pulled the other children away from her, so ______ cannot play here today." Yes, the child did come back another day, I reminded him of the rules of play at our house, he agreed - no problems.

Good luck, -- remember, it is your house, and you should never be uncomfortable to be there, regardless of who rings the doorbell!

A., my advice to you is "don't burn any bridges". The worst thing you can do is put a wedge between you and neighbors... you will have to live next to these people for a while, maybe forever in some cases, so avoid the drama at all costs!

Okay, so the kids are annoying. What I would do is when the kids are at your home, speak with them. Sit them on your couch and lay down some ground rules (nicely). You can even write them on a poster or something. If the rules get broken, then send them home. Then, if the mom comes over asking why the kids were sent home, just say that you have rules in your home and they need to be followed... no need to laundry list the kids' faults. The parents will always stick up for the kids. And no need to offend the neighbor-- you can't change her.

Keep the peace. Good luck.

Ok, the preschool teacher in me is talking here... but some parents just do not know how bad their child behaves around others. If that is because they choose to not see it in the first place, the kid doesnt act that way around the parent or the parent is just in denial, sometimes they need a wake up call.

I am often in an uncomfortable position having to tell parents that their child has behaved terribly. I especially hate having to do this after a church preschool class. Who wants to tell a parent their kid was so bad at church they sat 2-3 times in time out? And week after week even? ugh.

But I am always upfront and honest with the parents, in a loving and respectable way. Well, Johnny had a hard time listening today and keeping his hands to himself and because of this he had to sit out of an activity on a few occassions because he was not listening. We talked about working harder on this next week and I just wanted you to know so you could also remind him of this before you come in next week.

This puts the situation in the parents hands without you acting like you are railroading their child. If you dont bring it to the parents attention, how do they know you fought with Johnny all through class and he was such a distraction that NOTHING got done with the other kids?

I always lay down my house rules for my kid's guests when they are in my home. Its amazing what other parents let their kids get away with, after a few times of coming over and hearing that we do not touch our friends with our hands (sounds corny, but it is short and sweet and covers LOTS of areas like pushing, rough play, ect.), run, yell, ect. I see that they can play nicely here I dont tell them anymore when they show up. I just remind them as needed. If I see a behavior being displayed that I dont like, I will add that to the house rules next time to cover that. :) They dont remember! lol

Its just me, but I would go over and talk to the mom alone. I would let her know that she caught me off gaurd before and after I had some time to think about it I wanted her to know that I think some of the reasons my girls dont want to play with her daughter are ______. I think that her daughter is a great person (yada, yada) and maybe it is a mix of the kids personalities that makes their playing together difficult. I would let her know that I am totally willing to have her over, I just wanted to be honest with her so that maybe we could work on these things together so that our girls could enjoy being neighbors and playing together.

She will be nice to you, even if she is offended. She will either appreciate what you say or be mad as heck, but probably not to your face and if she is she is in denial. If that is the case her daughter probably want be back and she will smile at you from afar, but just not make contact unless needed. If she is appreciative she might actually work with her daughter and maybe some changes will occur.

If you do not want to approach the mom, then let it slide and dont feel guilty to tell this girl your kids cant play. I often tell neighborhood kids my girls cant play because I dont approve of the way their parents parent. They still knock and I still tell them that they are busy doing something right now and cant play.

GL!

I would not want to be in this situation....you have to get along with neighbors or move.... STILL, you have to be comfortable in your own home. We've had some icky situations with a couple of neighbors and we simply limited our availability. Example: when my neighbor's wife is on the road, his 3 girls (all under 6) knock on my door to see if my daughter can "play". Actually, he sends them and is looking for a freebie babysitter for a while. My daughter did it a few times out of the kindness in her heart but after a while started saying no thank you.

Personally, I think it was rude of the other mom to put you on the spot. She purposely caught you off guard to knock you off base. We all know she knows her kids.....

I agree with other posters....set rules and don't be afraid to send a kid home. Believe me, it is hard to do because I have done it more than once. When I had to send one home...I explained to the parent that some behaviors were not clicking and we needed to end the playdate. I never accused or blamed everything on the other child.

It is an odd situation and can be very uncomfortable at times. It is your choice if you want to include this other child with your child's playdates.

Also, letting the other mom know that you are limited on the number of children you are watching at the time is very reasonable. Bring up the safety issue...no one can fault you for that.

Hang in there.

Hello A.,

I'm a mom and a grandmother; as well as the departmental admin in a university with 150 students that I am directly responsible for managing. The advice you received from Carolyn T. and H.P. is right on the spot. Your home is yours, you set the rules and all that enter into your home need to be informed of the rules and if they do not comply, ask them to leave, with a clear explanation as to why they are being asked to leave. Confronting the mom is worthless, let it go, she is not the one creating havoc in your home and what she does in her own home is none of your business. Deal with the children at your home on a child's level with honesty, being kind but firm, you will all be much happier.

I think you just need to be upfront and honest! Otherwise she'll never know and this situation will just fester! I have a 6yr old daughter(only Child) and 2 doors down is her friend Amy. Well we are always asking amy to come over but her parents rarely let her. It got to the point where I finally just had to ask her what the deal was. Well her mom made lots of excuses, but it still hasn't changed in the 2 yrs we've lived there, they have played together mabye 6 times! It really hurst my daughter that they ALWAYS have an excuse. I have to invite her like 2 weeks in advance to get a yes out of it. So it leaves me wondering what the problem is. The strange thing about it is that they are on the same soccer team where Amy's dad is the Coach and my husband is the assistant coach. And at soccer they always act like we're all great friends. So I am always ticked off cuz I do not know why they will not let thier daughter play w/mine. When Amy does get to come over she seems to have a great time. So I think you just need to be up front with her. I would want to know if my daughter is not playing well w/others. At least I could work on those issues. But when u keep it to yourself her mom will never know! And thats not doing ANYONE any favors!

I wouldn't go over to their house and start yelling or cause your neighbor to have hard feelings about you. After all, you do have to live in close proximity to these people. If you decide to let the girl come over to your home again, I would state the rules up front and enforce them by sending a child home or calling their parent if your house rules aren't followed. If you chose not to have her over, that is your right and you can simply say to the other mom, if she brings it up, that you have limited the children who come over to play to their very closest friends because you choose not to have more than a couple of children over at one time to play because of the mess they make and the noise level, but they are free to play outside together anytime. Just remember your daughter is watching to see how you handle this and she is listening to how you speak about this mother and her children, so be careful how you act and what you say. Good luck. This is a tough situation to be in. I feel for you!

You need to be honest with this mother without being ugly or condescending. Be truthful, but stay away from general statements like 'she's bossy' or 'she's rude'. Give her specific examples of her child's behavior and tell her how you and your children feel about it. It sounds like to me that this child does not get much attention from home and will do anything and everything to get some attention, whether good or bad. Good luck!

First off, don't be mad at yourself because you feel the way you do about this little girl. You should not feel that you are "obligated" to have a child over because they live in the neighborhood. If she is as disruptive as described with your children and they have expressed their feelings about her you need to honor their feelings. Not everyone will play with everyone nicely. The little girl may have to learn that she has to change her ways in order to be accepted into the mix. Should her mother asked again or you visit with her, you could let her know that her manners are not up to standard. Be nice but be tactful about it. Yes, you do have to live in the neighborhood but that does not mean you have to be close buddies. Besides your daughters may have put her in her place when they told her she was bossy and they don't like it. NO one wants to play with bullies. The other S.

Our house is where most of the kids on our street come to play. (I like this the most because I know exactly what is going on with my kiddos!) But we do have our share of difficult kids, and I have no problem correcting behavior that is not acceptable. Some times when a friend is getting too bossy I make a standard remark out loud that we all play nicely and use nice words at this house. Some kids like to bring toys over, and then not want to share....so they get the speech that if you don't want to share you should go home. Everyone is expected to play gently with our stuff so it's not broken, and if you come over to play with one of the kids in this house you have to be with them at all times. So they can't come over to just play in our playroom when my kid wants to be outside. I have also empowered my kids that they can send friends home whenever they want for the rest of the day when playtime isn't going well, and they can also decline an invitation to play outside with a neighborhood friend without having to give an excuse or feel guilty. We've managed to tame a bossy friend by sending her home several times with an explanation of what went wrong and the opportunity to try again tomorrow. And yes, we have even grounded kids from our house for a week for being disrespectful! Eventually neighborhood friends will learn what is expected of them and will behave the way you let them.

You should have been straight up with the mom and the kids tell them if they can't be respectful then they can't come over and I would tell them that in front of their mom.also u need to make sure your children are being on their P's and Q's when they go to someone house. Don't act funny towards someone elses kids if you don't know how your are behaving. Besides their just kids if you really care for those kids across the street u will tell them what's right!