Unfriending a Kindergarten Friend

Have the teacher facilitate a conversation between the girls. When Janie is being bossy to Suzie the teacher should say something to both girls about the behavior, helping JAnie realize she is being bossy and Suzie to speak up for herself.

My house my rules. "Sweetie we do not boss people around in this house. We play nice together and decide together what to do ect.. If you stomp your feet or throw a fit you will need to go home."

I would also speak to the teacher, in front of my daughter. By talking to the teacher and explaining the situation in a non confrontational way you are showing your daughter that she can stand up for herself without anyone getting mad or yelling. Just speak firmly.

You are doing this for you, your daughter and the other little girl. You don't want your daughter to be bullied and you don't want to see the other girl be branded as a bully. And you need to learn to stand up for what is right, no matter how unfortable it makes you.

See it as a learning experience.

I think you are doing good. Just let your daughter know, people will understand why she is telling this girl no. She will not get in trouble.

You can also teach your daughter to say, "I do not want to play that way."

"I do not like when you act bossy. "

"I will not play with you when you act mean."
She needs to use her words.

One of my best friends is a teacher. Her daughter has a bit of an autistic personality and tends to not pick up on social cues.

She always has to be right. She will never let things go.. and she is very bossy.

My friend says she was the same way as a child. Her mother used to try to speak with her about how "no one likes a Bossy Pants.". Never got through to her until about 3rd grade, when her only friend that was left, told her. "I do not want to be your friend anymore". "You are too bossy and never let anyone else do what they want to do."

My friend said she literally, did not have anyone left that would play with her. She was no longer invited to any parties..

She said she learned to finally not be so bossy. To not always have to prove she was right.. And to admit, when she was mistaken or was not the best at somethings.

Our daughter finally did this with my friends daughter. The girl was insufferable.. still is, but our daughter says she is now not afraid to tell this girl, NO!

You may also want to just mention to the teacher, that when it comes time to place the girls with teachers next year, to try to not put these girls in the same classroom, since they are already neighbors.

This is so hard, especially with a shy one. The biggest thing is to tell your daughter to just start moving towards other kids and she really has to ignore the way this girl reacts to it.

You may still try to encourage her to say something directly to the girl because this is always the best way to handle it. This is her first opportunity to learn to not be a door mat. Just because she is shy does not mean she has to endure poor behavior from others. If she is really still having trouble with this girl, you might need to have the teacher help her out during the school day a bit too. Sometimes just a little push from your teacher really helps to learn that she will not get in trouble for being honest.

Good luck!

My daughter went through the same thing just a couple of months ago. Her "best friend" in kindergarten didn't want to share her with anyone else, and she was telling my daughter to do things that could possibly get her into trouble.

We had to really coach our daughter on how to stand up to her friend. This friend really is a sweetheart, and she is also learning how to behave. We took a break from play dates for a few weeks. I never addressed this with the girl's mother or the kindergarten teacher. It was so trivial in the grand scheme of things. My daughter and her friend started including other kids into their social interactions, and things got better all on their own. They are still best friends, but they have other friends now too.

Perhaps you can take a break from play dates with this girl and invite some other girls over for play dates for a while. The C. in social dynamics could do everyone some good.

Good luck! I never got any coaching on social behavior when I was a kid and I had to work everything out on my own. It seemed so easy for me, but when I look back on my childhood, I realize that I was the mean girl ;-) Thankfully, all of my old friends (I am in touch with almost all of them on Facebook) have long forgiven me.

The next playdate is with moms. The moms visit together, and then step in and provide a teachable moment. Plan with the mom what the two of you will say and do if what you expect will happen. Bossy needs some parental (hers and yours) guidance to change her behavior. Bossy does not have it in her nature to be ignored. Trying to simply cut her off cold is probably not going to work. Think future. Think, unless you know you will move within the next 13 years, about the fact that they will be seeing each other every day of their lives at school and in the neighborhood. Since Bossy's mom knows of the situation, talk with her.

I would say when the kids are at school ask the mother to go out for coffee that you want to talk to her. I think your daughter might be a little too young to confront another child. Maybe this other mother can talk to her daughter. It is hard when you are neighbors. They will be in school together for a long time. I would tell your daughter, that they don't have to be best friends and that everyone is different and unique. When she is over for a playdate and you notice her being bossy...step in and say something.

I suggest that you can let this friendship go by way of not being available for play dates. If the mother asks you why then be honest and tell her just as you've told us here.

Since they are in the same class, your daughter will need to learn ways to get away from her. She should be able to walk away even tho she doesn't feel comfortable telling the girl to not be bossy.

This is not a unique situation. Your daughter will be faced with similar circumstances the rest of her life. Also, I suggest that once your daughter feels less controlled by this girl she may want to play again. The key is finding a balance in the amount of time they're together.

You're on the right path with not doing play dates for awhile. Continue to encourage her to stand up for herself. It's an important skill to learn. She can do it in less direct ways such as just walking away and playing with someone else.

Kids need to learn how to handle conflict.
And your daughter does need to learn to stand up for herself.
It may take awhile for her to get to that point.
I'd consider signing her up for taekwondo.
It's good exercise and she'll meet other people.
And she'll learn about standing up for herself - initially away from the other girl.
She's got to learn that if she tells the other girl she does not want to play with her when she's bossy it's no big deal if the other girl stomps or makes a fuss.
It's her way of dealing with frustration - it's not the best way, but she's learning people skills, too.
And so what if the bossy girl tells on her - what does she think is going to happen?
Is the teacher really going to force her to play with a bossy brat?
As we go through life, we're not going to like everyone we meet.
We can be civil, and we can get along.
But if someone pushes, we can say no and when the other girl gets over her fit then maybe she can play nice with others.

My daughter is in kindergarten as well. She is shy and quiet around friends and most adults, yet around us she is loud and daring. I was told by the preschool she attended she was a very nice girl and the others were bossy and pushy.

At the beginning of kindergarten she complained a lot of bossy and rude classmates. I just listened and tried to offer small amounts of advice, as I am only hearing one side of the story.

Last Sunday, we attended a birthday party and my daughter kept coming to us to complain that the other girls were being mean and bossy. Several little girls were sitting on top of a table, including my daughter. I watched one little girl climb on the table near my daughter and scoot until she knocked my daughter off the table. As much as I wanted to tell my daughter to knock her back off the table, I couldn't. My daughter outweighs her by about 15 lbs and is about 8 inches taller. As well, they are in the same class and we have 3 more months to go until school is out. They could end up in the same class next year. Further, it won't help her solve her own problems.

Today she shared with me that a lot of her friends tell her she is bossy and that she is not. I had to explain to her, if her friends were telling her she was bossy, she should think about how she speaks to people. She assured me she is not bossy. (Right)

Had I looked at my daughter through that one way glass, I would still be under the impression she was quiet, shy, and polite. Kids change. If your daughter hasn't yet, she might. She has to learn to deal with these kids in her own way. You can offer her some guidance, but cutting them off may not work. What will you do after she tells her friend, my mom said I don't have to play with you ever again...then 2 weeks later tells you she doesn't have anyone to play with?

Why can't you just say something when the girl is over for a play date? I would just say to her that she is being bossy or whatever the issue is and that if she wants to stay friends with your daughter, she needs to be nice and give her some examples so she knows how to make changes. I have done this with the neighborhood kids when they come over. I let them know they can't call someone "stupid" or hit or whatever. I don't leave it 100% up to the kids to handle. Especially at that young age, they need to be told what they are doing/saying wrong and told some options of how to do/say it right. Good luck!

I would have a talk with the mom and mention that some bossiness is going on and you want to nip it in the bud. Also make the teacher aware of this so that she won't get in trouble for not playing with the girl if she does tell. Some K teachers are extra cautious about including everyone in play etc. If she knows the story behind it, it will be easier for her to help your daughter. I would also continue to give your daughter the verbal tools to handle this. Role play and give examples of what she should do in X situation. I know its hard, but they will get through it and this won't last F.!

M

As for outside of class, I would do what you stated. Not say anything persay, but just not invite her for play dates.

As for inside class, the next time you are in class, ask the teacher about what she has noticed between the two. We had a similar situation. The two boys were best friends and in the same class and together basically 12 hours a day. My son's feelings became hurt because the other boy only wanted my son to play with him since they were best friends. I spoke to the teacher. How I was hoping my son could work on making some additional friends so that socially he wasn't so limited to just the one friend in school. She agreed. She had had them sitting next to each other since they were friends. She moved the class around. During a conference she has told me to stop comparing them. I told her that I wasn't the one comparing, it was my son. Then she understood what I had been trying to say. She suggested that they NOT be placed in the same 1st grade class together because she had noticed like me, that my son would compare himself to the other boy as far as success/failure.

I think the idea of "unfriending" a kindergarten child is a bit harsh. Kids this age have ALL SORTS of bad habits from nose picking, to being loud and boisterous, to being scared and shy.

I agree that if your daughter is feeling a bit overwhelmed by this girl then you can "create some space". Invite other friends over for playdates, join a gymnastics class with another child and carpool with that mom, etc.

I think it's excessive to ask to be in a separate class next year - I mean seriously??? It's not that your daughter is being bullied by a mean kid who's pushing her down or something. Can you imagine if every parent "requested" separate classes because their child didn't like someone else?

Be friends with the neighbor mom AND her little girl. Make sure that when the kids do play together it's where you can see and hear them so things don't get out of control. But it's your daughter's job to stand up to her friend and say, "Please stop bossing me around." If you choose NOT to do things with this child because of her bossiness just don't alienate the mom too. If the mom asks, be polite, but honest..."Susan has had a hard time lately playing with Jenny. Jenny keeps bossing her around and intimidating Susan with her yelling and pushing." You are not criticizing the parent, but you are being honest about why your daughter is "taking a break" from Jenny.

Encourage your daughter to talk with and play with other friends at school. If this other girl bothers your daughter, by all means, get the teacher involved to keep things happy and fun for all. Perhaps if your daughter plays with other friends at school, this other little girl might get the idea that she can't control everyone or everything?

I bet you will find that as your daughter "experiences" more kids there will be LOTS of bad behaviors - and good ones. But if your child avoids everyone because of bad behaviors, your quiet little girl may end up in a corner by herself.