4 Yr Old Bossiness

I don't think it's an only child thing, because my 8 year old tends toward bossiness and always has. Some kids are born leaders, and your daughter and mine are just that type of kid. You can certainly coach her about picking up social cues from other kids, but there is nothing inherently wrong with being the leader. She knows what she wants to do, she knows what she wants others to do, and she's not afraid to say so. She'll grow up and be a CEO someday, and you can retire early! ;)

With regard to not doing what coaches and teachers tell her to do, back up the teacher/coach. Let the teacher or coach know before hand that your daughter has a very, ahem, STRONG personality, and that they have your full support to keep her in line. And then step back and let the teacher/coach handle the situation if/when it arises. I have let my daughter's teachers know that they should probably not ASK her if she wants to do xyz, but rather just to tell her that it's time to do xyz. Kids who are strong leaders need strong leaders leading them, or they're not happy. When my daughter realized in Pre-K that whatever the teacher said, went, and that we as parents would back up the teacher with additional discipline at home, she got into the habit of doing what the teacher asked, the first time around. Now that she's going into 4th grade, her teachers LOVE her because she's a great leader. They know that if they use my daughter as the "good example," she will enthusiastically lead the other kids into doing what the teacher has asked. So, not all bossiness is a bad thing! It just needs to be channeled properly!

I love everything that Catherine C. said, especially because you could be writing about my daughter! She's turning 4 soon and seems to have that same, strong, very social, natural-born-leader type personality (AND she is also an only child!). Sometimes she tries to boss us around too much, like telling us which car we should drive to the store, or which chair I should sit in, etc. We give her choices where it is reasonable to do so, but don't let her run the show, and have to remind her that she is NOT the boss and we, the grown-ups, will do what we need or prefer to do. Fortunately, for now, she's good about listening to other adults in charge better and not arguing back. If I get too fed up with her attitude, I take control back by sending her upstairs some time alone in her room until she decides to be nice and apologize - she generally acts more contrite and genuinely sorry after that.

I also have to remind her sometimes before we go somewhere how I expect her to behave. You might have to do the same thing with yours - let her know that if she keeps being too bossy with the other kids, they won't want to play with her or be her friend. Being a good friend means giving everyone a chance to have their turn. I have found too that with my daughter being as strong-willed as she is, I need to just tell her what to do, firm and matter of fact, rather than sounding soft and framing it like a question. And if you ever hear about her not listening to the teacher and doing as she is told, you will come right down there, take her out of class, and she can spend the rest of the day in her room! Obviously being in time-out does not bother her enough if she thinks it's a preferable option to doing what she is told, so it might be time to get a little more drastic.

Oh, gosh I can relate. My 4 year old daughter thinks she's the boss, and as another post mentioned I don't think it's related to being an only child or not as my daughter has an older brother. I think the whole phenomenon may be partly age related and partly personality. My daughter has always had a strong personality and yes, it has given her some issues in preschool (and at home). However I also think back to when my son was 4 (now 7) and I remember that he wanted us to play with his trains "just so" or read a book the way he wanted it read so probably they are working through control issues. I think the only thing that we can do is stay firm and consistent so that they know what they can expect from us consequence-wise if they don't tow the line - and let teachers/coaches, etc. know to be firm as well.

My son is the same way - I think it is part of his DNA. We are trying to work on social cues with him because some kids (and adults!) don't like to be told what to do.

Good luck!

thats funny. I almost posted the same thing today. My little girl came out bossy from birth. She's sweet and shy with friends and new people. She has this sweet little tiny voice and is very proper and polite and so loving and affectionate. She's thoughtful and caring. But oh man! is she bossy. I call her Coach because she's always barking orders at us. It's only us at the house and mostly her big brother that she bosses around. She is 4 and he is 5. I always find myself correcting her and telling her to stop bullying her big brother! She talks over him and thinks he should hush so she can talk 1st. They have to watch what she wants. She gets the color of popsicle she wants. He is so easy going, he just goes along with it. He says his sister is a "super cranky girl". Of course, i don't allow this and when I call her on it, she immediately softens her tone and smiles and backs down. It's just her personality to be bossy. While part of me is almost kinda proud that she will never get pushed around or taken advantage of, still, I know this will hold her back in life and cause her major relationship issues. I don't know the answer. I just keep correcting her and reminding her not to be a bully.

WHAT? You mean my grand daughter isnt the only one who does this? HA, She tells us what to say when playing. She gives us the toys she wants us to have. She wants us to read books to her but tells us what she wants us to say when reading them! She gets upset if we try to just play the way we want. One day, she was barking orders at me trying to tell me what she wanted my dinosaur to say and I had been trying all morning to get her to back off and be kind and just let me do what I felt like doing, and in frustration I scolded her and said " Im not going to do what you want, I am not going to play your game anymore!" She burst into tears and said, "Grama its not a game!" I first thought she meant its not a game like monopoly, or checkers, and then got to thinking, to her its LIFE! This is how she is and we have to figure out what to do to make her feel accepted and loved for who and how she is. I do think its her way of controling this part of her life because she isnt in control of a lot of the rest of it. She has no say in where she is and who has her due to custody and visitation, situations/relationships. This is a tough one, but Im hoping preschool in a month will help. Shes going to love going, but I do still worry the other kids arent going to be so thrilled. So glad shes got a mind of her own and is outspoken. Just need to channel it the right way now.