Carpool Kids Rude to My Daughter

I would definitely ask her teacher. Just ask how she seems to do socially in class with the other kids/girls...does she have certain friends that she plays with or is she often alone? Ask if the teacher notices anything that you should be concerned about.

It could just be that these two girls are snotty. I have boys and have not noticed this type of "snotty" behavior from the boys but I have seen it amongst the girls. It's upsetting to see how "mean" they can be to one another. Teach her to be confident and do everything you can to build her self esteem!!! This is so important. Getting her involved in other activities is a great idea but know that she will encounter "snotty girls" at all types of activities...teaching her how to handle herself around other's poor behavior and stay confident is an important skill to have!

I suggest she has different interests than the car pool girls. At this age, children are just beginning to learn social skills. I suggest that when this happens see it as a teaching opportunity. A suggested way to do this is to say their words or tone of voice is hurtful. Then give them a way to say we're not interested in being in a plsy.a play.

Perhaps your daughter needs some help in identifying girls who have similar interests. Perhaps steer her towards Brownies, Campfire Girls, or another club based on teaching social skills. These clubs often provide an introduction to a variety of interests.

I think it's twofold. One that kids need to learn tact and two that kids need to learn to let it go when people don't want to be included. My DD is also very crafty and would totally do what your DD did, but it's not fun when you feel shangheid into it.

If I witnessed it, I would encourage the girls to be nicer to each other and I would also encourage them to do something collaboratively if they are going to play together. But I would not micromanage. Your DD also needs to learn to handle other kids on her own.

I think the best way to help your girl is by teaching resilience. Yes, the other girls didn't want to play what she wanted... and that is okay. I heard a lot of the same complaints with my own child, so I went to school and helped out at lunchtime. If you want to see the real dynamic between kids, that's a great time to volunteer, as a lunch/recess helper. What we as parents often think of as 'mean' is mostly very authentic behavior from young people who don't always remember adult norms and manners.

They haven't internalized that "think of others" thing that we did-- which we did over years and years. They are still young. They don't like what your daughter is playing. That doesn't make them mean. It makes them kids their age. Think about it, they are at school all day and don't have a lot of time at their own liberty.

Also consider that kids this age are extremely literal. Your daughter 'teaching' a dance class won't be the same as their very real dance class. They didn't express it well, but kids this age are legalistic and I see that they will even tell adults when something is not the same as what they know it to be. They go to a dance class which likely has a routine -- the same one-- at the beginning of every lesson. This is vastly different from Pretend Dance, which is okay in and of itself, but these girls weren't interested. Kids this age aren't nuanced at thinking of others... and the ones who are sometimes pay the price of not advocating for themselves when they should. I mention this because it is a serious consideration... making children TOO considerate can result in children who are very afraid to step on toes and can be more easily bullied because of it. There are positive aspects to allowing children to be their own selves, even when it's very much 'in the rough'.

All this to say, resilience is important. "I guess they didn't want to play that right now. What else do you think might be fun for all of us?" or "Well, honey, I guess it's just not their thing..." As Marda P. suggested, maybe an adult-led group might be a softer social setting which could be encouraging for your little girl. I would make a rule that when we are in the car, we expect politeness from each other. That said, honestly, as a mom, when my son is going on and on and on about his favorite idea, I sort of want to tell him 'enough' too. And I'm an adult who loves this little boy dearly. It's okay not to expect adult tolerance from children.

It sounds like your daughter has a style of play that differs from a number of her peers. She creates imaginary worlds and wants others to play along. That just may not be as much fun for the kids who are being told what she wants them to do. It might work great if she was in a group with all younger kids, but not so much with kids her own age. Unfortunately, kids lack the tact and social skills to turn down her ideas without hurting her feelings or suggesting a different activity to do. Seeing that she's got a strong independent or leader personality and would prefer to plan the play rather than join others, I would encourage her to keep an open mind and try to enjoy playing what others interested in sometimes. I would also try to find some structured activity (drama, dance, etc) that she can spend more time with kids who share her interests.

Her feelings matter. You have to make the call if these kids are really mean-spirited ALL the time, or if they are just annoyed with your DD when she wants to direct their play. If they're kind of mean overall, I'd discreetly stop the carpool arrangement.

Can I give you a flash forward? My now 16 year old daughter has had 2 friends from the time she was in preschool. We live in the same neighborhood and carpooled from Pre-K to middle school. Through the years, they went back and forth two teaming up against the third and back and forth and so on.

Flash forward, they are sophomores in hs. One is in drill team, one is on the drum line and my kid is a theater/debate kid. Come weekends, they are all back to "all for one, one for all!" It's amazing and fantastic! Coming from their VERY different social circles at our 2600+ student high school, the comfort they find in their long term friendships is refreshing and comfortable.

Girls are nasty, mean and will hurt each other the deepest. However, once they reach that best friend for life level, it is a pretty special bond. You have to ride out the rough waters to get there, so hang in there!

Keep the play she wrote. It's a great keepsake, even if it wasn't a hit with her friends.

Some kids are leaders, and most kids are not. The leader types just manage to get kids to do things they want them to do. The rest of us simply don't have that personality type which compels people to follow our lead.

At least your daughter was bold enough to try. Hopefully she won't give up being inventive. I agree with AV's advice. And if your daughter is really having a hard time making friends, have her join a group. But this may just be one of those social scenes she is going to have to learn to navigate. It's probably just a 2nd grade blip.

I'd ask her teacher... I don't think she was being overly bossy planning the play. And my daughters are older and still do plays with lots of their friends so not like a 6 and 8 year old are automatically too old for it. It's more likely these girls don't care for your daughter and are going to turn down most anything rudely. And add in they can say "she was bossing us" to it and no way are they going to be nice. It could be though that she is too much of a leader/bossy in general all the time. I will say when my daughters do plays, they create them with their friends vs hand out parts. So maybe she's kind of always like that and kids are tired of it and staying away. I would definitely talk to the teacher. And are there any friends at all you could invite over for a playdate and then observe what goes on? Can you think back to old playdates whether now that you think about it, she was kind of bossy?... Maybe it's gotten worse and also kids get older and decide they don't want to deal with that anymore.

Mama Llama,

I don't at all read that your daughter is being bossy from the way you describe it. Do you see/hear bossiness when she's presenting her ideas to these girls?

I have seen kids respond rudely to other kids when they don't like an idea or don't want to do something the friend wants to do. I agree with Marda that when we observe these kinds of responses, we can model a more appropriate and kind way to say no to a request or invitation.

I'd start with asking your daughter's teacher to see if she observes anything with her behavior and her social relationships at school. Is she super-sensitive such that when one friend says "no" to playing with her, she translates that into "nobody played with me?" Does a "no" response shut her down such that she won't seek out any other kids and then retreats to the sidelines (or to your side in situations where you're there)? Some things to think about.

One other thing--- around this age, kids start wanting to make some of their own friendships outside of what parents have made for them with neighborhood kids or family friends or what they've had in preschool, so maybe some of this is just that. You can ask your daughter's teacher if there are some other students she clicks with and contact their parents so the kids can have play time outside of school. This will help your daughter develop new friendships and give her practice with important social skills.

J. F.

It sounds like those kids have outgrown imaginary play and your daughter has not. That doesn't make them rude or mean, it means they don't want to play the game she selected. I would imagine you not correcting your daughter for being bossy is why it is getting worse.

Darn it all I had to delete because of feeling bad.

Please understand, these kids are not rude or mean, they are just kids that don't want to play the games your daughter is coming up with. If she is doing that in school the same thing is happening there. Instead of telling kids what she wants to play she needs to learn to ask them what they would like to play.
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Ya know, looking at some of the answers I feel like some people don't understand real empathy. Those two girls are stuck in that carpool situation, they didn't ask for it their mom did. They are sitting in a car and instead of the driver telling her daughter stop pestering them to play she just lets it go. No one is standing up for their feeling so yeah, they are getting snippy. The OP is the adult in the room, those girls shouldn't be put in the position of always saying no to the OP's daughter.

I feel bad for the OP's daughter because if she listens to these answers she is not going to do anything to help her daughter. I am not worried too much if I look PC I just want this girl to have friends.

I agree with the suggestions to involve your daughter with Girl Scouts and begin to shift away from these two girls. It seems to me that the friendship has run its course and it's time to move on.

We carpooled for awhile and I quit because I couldn't deal with the snotty girl attitude, even for a short distance. She would also stand around talking to other kids while I had MY kids in the car ready to go- the teachers would have to go look for her and it held up the carpool line (which at our school was practically considered to be a federal offense, ha ha).

It was easier for me to just drive my kids myself and be able to talk to them about their day, run an errand after school or go treat them to ice cream. Carpooling wasn't worth it to me.

I know it hurts to see your child treated poorly. Do look into new activities for her and give her opportunities to make new friends. Hang in there, mama. She sounds like a pretty awesome kiddo.

From what you write, I don't see any signs that your daughter is being bossy. Though reading the assumptions that others wrote made me think it's at least worth making sure she is not sounding bossy. Even if you objectively think that she is not being bossy, make sure she is gaining the skills to ask, not tell others what to do, etc.- just in case!

And yes, unfortunately, the snappy tone is quite normal at this age, but that doesn't make it ok, and it doesn't mean every kid talks like that. And you see that it hurts your daughter's feelings, so it's ok to teach her to stick up for herself.

As others have mentioned, work out age-appropriate social skills and practice them with her. There are tons of books with these topics. The best thing you can do is role play with her to make sure she knows how to stick up for herself, but also how to talk to others- take an interest in other people, take turns, etc.

The hardest part of this all is that you had to sit and listen to these girls treat your daughter badly. I volunteered a lot in the classroom when my daughter was that age and I hated hearing how the kids talked to one another. It made me aware enough to do just what I suggest you do- make sure my daughter was not doing anything to provoke others, and making sure she knew how to ask others to not speak a certain way to her. I used to actually envy the moms who weren't there to hear it all, because the fact is this is so common, but mostly because all of the kids usually turn out just fine, it's just excruciating to witness these interactions!

So try to take it in stride, mama. Your girl will be just fine. Make sure she is prepared for different social situations at different ages, that is the best you can do- along with just being there to hug her. This is probably a lot harder on you than it is on her! :-)

To answer your question, yes, this is just how kids act. Kids are so ill-mannered, selfish and mean these days. I wouldn't be able to help myself but to ask those girls to keep their negative opinions to themselves! I would say "Have you ever heard that if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all?"
Do you absolutely need to do this carpool? If not, I would tell the girls' mother that you are done driving them due to their treatment of your daughter.
Your daughter sounds like a smart and creative girl! Check your park district catalog for a creative writing class or drama class. If she's not in Girl Scouts yet, it sounds like the perfect activity for her. I was co-leader of my daughter's troop and we did many plays throughout the years.
You can also work with her on what to do/say in these situations. When my daughter was younger, I would have her role play with me. I would play her, and she would play the mean girls and I would give her ideas of how to react. I also worked on helping her read body language. I would tell her that if someone was scowling at her, it was probably not the best time to ask if she wanted to play. It took time and maturity, but now she is almost 13 and is very aware of how things work socially. She knows to avoid the mean kids,and knows who her friends are.

Best wishes!

have you talked with the school? Her teachers??

I'm sorry but this sounds like a combination of things. The most important thing? Is you need to teach your daughter how to speak for herself and venture out on her own.

1. You have two girls that have learned to be snotty or mean and get away with it. If they were in MY car and I'm doing them a favor? I would have nipped that right in the bud telling them that their behavior was UNACCEPTABLE and if they wanted to keep riding in my car? They would be NICE to EVERYONE..."Sally, I'm sorry if you are having a bad day and feeling a little punchy, however, that is no way to speak to a friend." or "Sally and Jane, while I appreciate the fact that you are not interested in being in Suzy's play, you did NOT need to be so rude in your response." This goes back to teaching your daughter to speak for herself. If she was hurt? She should have been able to say "Sally I'm sorry you don't want to be in my play. You didn't need to be snotty to me over it."

2. I would talk with their mother to get HER perspective on things. Maybe there is something going on that YOU DO NOT know about.

Please understand your daughter is NOT an angel. She's NOT a victim. Don't treat her like one. I'm NOT saying your daughter did anything wrong in the car...but things happen when you are NOT around.

Talk to your daughters teachers - find out how she is behaving and handling things in school. Ask her open-ended questions - how was your day? who did you eat lunch with? Get her talking and LISTEN...

Teach her how to express herself NICELY. Teach her how to stand up for herself. You aren't going to be around all the time.

from your perspective, and the way this story is presented, it's very much your sweet daughter getting meanly rejected by two Mean Girls.
i'm betting that if their mom were writing what happened, we'd hear a very different version.
because in your first paragraph, it's not just these two Mean Girls, tempting though it must be to hang it on them.
i strongly suggest you speak with her teachers and try to get a more well-rounded view of how others perceive your daughter.
khairete
S.

First of all, if they were in my carpool & being rude, I would state something to the effect of "oh no, we aren't rude to others in this car" or "oh no, we don't talk to each other like that". etc.

Also, I'd ask your daughter while you're driving her somewhere just the two of you "how's school", "anything different at school", "how's so-&-so",
"Who did you play with today?".

Encourage her to play with some nicer kids in her class AND schedule
play dates w/them (sometimes playdates will cement relationships a little
or at least encourage them).

Have her join a sport or club affiliated w/school.

Get her into gymnastics, dance classes etc.

Teach her how to respectfully stand up for herself. Kids will start to sense that & back off.

for starters, if the other kids are being rude and ugly to your kid, then you obviously need to stop driving them around. let the ungrateful brats WALK..why should you be expected to spend your time and money driving somebody’s brats around , just to give them the opportunity to be rude to your kid?? K. h. if the other kids get nervy and ask why cant ride in your car anymore, just tell them, i am sorry, but..i dont have room for you two in my car..sorry.

From what you pposted to me it sounds like your daughter is bbeing bosy.. telling not asking. OOrdering them around... not ereally a good friend