Dealing with a Preschool Mean Girl

Wow I could have written TF Plano/Allen's response! How sad that several parents have banded together to talk about how awful another 4/5 year old is!

i'd work on empathy. as you say, this is a 5 year old, not a 15 year old. i'd have fairly light discussions with my own daughter about how troubled the other little girl must be, how sad i am for her that her life is so difficult that she's unable to understand how to be a good friend.
maybe some role playing.
definitely not so much 'support' and 'help' and 'teaching' that i reinforced my own daughter's 5 year old perception that this other girl is Really Big Deal.
because she's only 5. and i'll bet if you knew her story, you wouldn't call her a Mean Girl. not yet.
as for the teacher, first off i'd appreciate that she's hands-off and trusts the kids to work things out. i certainly wouldn't escalate it and complain about her to the principal or anything. nor would i tell her how to do her job by insisting on the details of how it gets handled. at most, if your tenderhearted girl is so rattled and upset she can't cope, i'd tell the teacher firmly 'i agree that girls can be girls and kids have to work things out, but this is crossing a line and i'm afraid we need to be more pro-active about the situation. what do you suggest?'
backing out of driving isn't handling the situation. really. you can't be backed down by a 5 year old. put her in the front seat next to you and keep her engaged. it may be just exactly what this little girl needs- some positive adult attention.
khairete
S.
ETA thank you!

When I worked in early childhood ed, we would often bring that sort of domineering kid out of the dynamic by having them be our helper or telling the kids "you, you and you are coming into the clay/art room with me", just to give the other kids some space.

I do think you are going to have to give your girl lots of support. Consider doing some role playing with puppets, trading off. "You pretend to be Suzy, (or whatever Bossy Girl's name is)I'll be you". Then, as your daughter plays that role, give your character some good lines. "I choose my own friends." "I can talk to whoever I want to." "You aren't in charge of me." "I don't like when you tell me not to talk to my friends." Trade off roles and ask your daughter, from time to time "how does that feel?" Role playing is a powerful way of dealing with bossy kids and bullies (and I'm not saying she's a bully, either).

If the teacher says "girls will be girls", I would say "I understand that is your opinion. However, my daughter is feeling that she can't play with her friends without interference and it is clear to me that she needs more support." Put the focus on your own kid-- I have found that is the best way to deal with teachers and admin in any situation. I don't focus on the other kid because that is a moot point. Instead, I ask for support for my own child. This seems to work far better.

Goodness gracious! Principal? "Not welcome in your car?
Please.
Have your daughter practice saying:
"I don't HAVE to listen to you."
"You're not the boss of me."
"I don't like it when you boss me around."
"I want you to stop bossing me around."
"I don't like it when you're mean to me."
And
" I don't want to be your friend."

Empower YOUR girl.
She doesn't have to be friends with everyone.
If she goes in your car and is rude? Say something to her like "Mary, please be nice to your friends." Or "that wasn't nice, Mary."

In my parallel boy world, I had to teach my non aggressive son to deal with more aggressive boys starting in preschool. Based on some advice here, I decided that the best thing was to think long term. I started role playing with him to teach him how to look other kids in the eye and confidently tell them "I don't like that. You need to stop". He in 3rd grade now and still sometimes uses those words.

In this type of mean girl situation, I would think about how you want your daughter to handle this when no adult is looking, and role play that. Maybe you want her to call the mean girl out by saying "you are not being nice. You can't tell other people who to be friends with". Or maybe you want her to look at the other friend and say "it's ok, we are still friends. We can play later." And walk away to do something else.

I also talk to my son a lot about choosing his friends, and that if someone in the group he's playing with isn't being nice, it's ok to stop playing with that group and find new friends to play with. Mean girls/bullies only have power if kids agree to be around them.

(For the record, I don't think preschoolers are truly mean girls or bullies - they are too young to have those labels. But I think the strategies that you can teach your preschooler handle different maturity levels and personalities in preschool are building blocks your child can use to deal with mean girls/bullies later. And so I used 'mean girl/bully' in my answer as shorthand for "child that is acting inappropriately at preschool because she hasn't developed social skills yet".)

I think you give kids the phrases they need:

At our school, everyone plays together.

At our school, we try to be friends with everyone.

At our school, we don't yell at people and tell them who they can be friends with.

At our school, everyone has a big heart and room for lots of friends.

At our school, we don't use our arms to block people.

At our school, we find games that everyone can play.

If you are carpooling, you say what your car rules are. Everyone is nice to everyone else, no one tries to stop anyone from talking to anyone else. If something goes on while you are driving, you pull the car over, stop, turn off the engine, and turn around to face the kids. You tell them the car starts up again when that kind of talking stops. I think you also redirect kids of this age in many ways -- you say that it will be much more fun if…. and make it clear that this is not fun the way she's talking but that she can turn it around and make it a lot of fun. Then suggest a topic, start some singing, tell some jokes, whatever.

And tell the teacher this is going on. Let her intervene and also find out what vocabulary is being used in the classroom so that you can emulate it.

She is not a 'mean girl'. She is a 5 year old who has not learned the social skills to interact in a positive and socially acceptable fashion. You can role play with your daughter as mynewnickname suggested. You can talk to your daughter and have HER brainstorm ideas for how SHE wants to handle it. Kids no not all need to be friends. But they do all need to learn how to be polite and civil to each other. It will NOT help the 'mean girl' if everyone writes her off for life at age 5. It will help her if adults (and kids) model appropriate ways of interacting for her.

The teacher is correct that the children are still learning social skills BUT part of learning proper social skills is that when a child is acting inappropriately they need to be immediately corrected.
It sounds like the teacher should be teaching older kids because she does not sound like she has the mindset of an early education teacher. Teaching young children is exhausting because you have to be vigilant and catch inappropriate actions when they are committed and correct them immediately.
Honestly, if you can't get the teacher to handle this issue, as she should, then I believe you will have to take it up to the next level or transfer your child. I know that they are both extreme but it the adult in charge, I.e. the teacher won't take responsibility, then the only thing outside of transferring your daughter is coach her on being a mean girl back. (I don't like the second choice)
Good luck

I've read through this a few times now and I feel like you have a preconceived negative disposition toward this "mean" 5 yr old and you are overly emotionally invested with this child.

Your attitude is based on what your 5yr old has communicated to YOU. I completely understand Mama Bear mode when something is going on with our children. I have a 19yr old and I have been there, done that.

What you have to do is work with YOUR child from an early age to help them learn that it is ok to stand up for themselves, it is ok to tell someone not to speak with you in a certain manner and it is OK to not be friends with everyone.

I find it disheartening that you chose to participate in the negative gossip about this child with other parents. How would you feel if the other parents were gossiping about your child behind your back?

Do you know anything that is true about this child's background? Do you know her parents? Why not if you know other parents of children in the classroom? What I am trying to communicate is that you (nor the other parents) know this child's situation at home. However, she has already been labeled as "mean" and negative with other parents.

I know this is sometimes hard for moms to believe but it is true that NONE of our children are perfect. They ALL have flaws of some sort.

When you witnessed the bad behavior, were you also observing the other children or just focused on this 1 that your daughter had talked about? It is interesting to observe the dynamics of ALL the children. I would strongly suggest to NOT be videotaping these children or you may find yourself in some sort of violation of privacy laws with the school and individual children.

I really don't believe this little girl is a bully or mean girl. I believe she is trying to find her place among the group. You said yourself that your child is the one not afraid to go up to anyone to ask them to join the group, play, etc. Maybe this little girl is trying to be like your daughter but going about it the wrong way.

In no way would a 5yr old and my opinion of that child stop me from being a driver or participant in my daughter's class.

I've been in the classroom and around mostly 1st graders for 14 yrs. We see a lot of interaction where the children are maturing at different levels, we see a lot of girls going through the process of the pecking order of the class. We do observe and when we have a little Bossy know it all, we do intervene and redirect. In the end, the children do work together and smooth each other out.

I say give this little girl a break and maybe get to know her before she heads off to first grade labeled by the other parents. Show some compassion toward her and model the good behavior.

Good luck.. it is a long road with girls going through school but it can also be very rewarding if you go about it with the right attitude.

I don't understand why a simple: step in, say ' be nice' and walk away won't work while it's going on.They are little,what you are saying won't be a horribly mean thing to them and you don't have to go through fifteen people to communicate your message. Sorry, but why is everyone so afraid to do the right thing these days?
Oh, I looked at your afterward. I understand (really, completely as I work in education) and seriously after I thought about it will try to think of a better solution. A lot of young teachers especially are very worried about their jobs and are somewhat timid whereas I am older and have seen things different. Sorry.

ETA:

Tell the teacher she isn't welcome in your car. I'd also let the other parents going know why. This behavior is not acceptable and will only get worse. If this teacher isn't going to take a proactive approach then you guys, together, need to take a stand and say she can't be part of your groups activities.

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As sad as it is perhaps you need to go to the principal. If it's not a regular school then go to the director. This is unacceptable and the teacher does not have the skills to manage it.

Too bad you guys can't volunteer in the classroom and get this kid on video then show it to her mom. Or the other moms and then approach the teacher as a group and show her all your videos...she does like that group approach doesn't she?

I don't think this girl is exactly mean - she's just really insecure and wants to hoard her friends (she views your daughter as a rival) - which isn't right - but she hasn't figured out a better way to deal with her insecurities yet.
Some kids just go through this stage.

It's hard to know if making friends with her would be a good idea.
She could use more friends but if she clings so tight like a clinging vine it makes kids afraid to get close to her (and it makes the whole cycle worse).
She's immature and needs to out grow it.
In the mean time, she can't be allowed to go blocking people or singling out your daughter as her rival or pushing others around.

I would firstly say that the situation has not improved and the issue is not that your child or any other child is being mean, but you witness THIS child pushing around other children. They should actively watch that child and try to teach her how to be a friend. This is not a group problem, it is a specific child problem and you would like to see it handled at the individual level.

Secondarily, I would ask for her to be in a different car. You can't put her next to you without it being illegal in most states, and if you can't drive and watch her with other kids, and would be worried about her behavior, then I wouldn't have her in my car.

Things you can do include teaching your daughter not to play with mean kids, to encourage her friends to play elsewhere when this girl blocks them, or to report this behavior to the teachers.

If this child is a problem for multiple children and multiple parents are concerned, you should ALL talk to the teachers. Not all kids are nice and not all kids are nice all the time. But if your DD is talking about this girl every single day, then they should be paying attention to her interactions with others.

I encourage my DD to empathize with friends and classmates (we all have bad days) but there are kids who are just mean to her and she shouldn't have to pretend she likes what they do. DD is learning to work with people she is paired with but that she doesn't then have to be that kid's best friend. On a recent field trip, I watched this kid she's been complaining about, but he was assigned to the teacher (for reasons, I'm sure) and stayed out of DD's way. I plan to mention it to the teachers if she keeps saying he isn't taking a hint. Truly, some kids don't take a clue from other kids.

I would do some role playing as unfortunately this will be something your daughter will have to deal with throughout life. Also, I would talk a little more directly to the teachers about how this can be dealt with. A huge part of preschool is learning how to treat others (for some kids at least) so I think recommending specific books and expecting them to also privately talk to this girl and her parents would be appropriate. I think it is more then fair to expect the school to deal with this, not in an extreme way but at the very least, speaking with her directly.

This is hard. My daughter started first grade this year and I'm dealing with similar things…and I thought first grade was too young, sheesh!

I agree that you need to teach her empowering statements, like
Don't talk to me that way.
That isn't nice.
Treat people kindly.
etc.

You absolutely need to tell the teacher. I know you said she's hands off and that's fine, but this is repeated behaviors that are affecting your daughter. But, that being said, there may be little she can do if the child knows how to manipulate the situation and the teacher isn't seeing these things first hand.

As far as not allowing her in your car…hmm, that's a tough one. I actually think I would probably go ahead and do it. First it would give you a chance to see if this behavior occurs while an adult is present and just how it plays out. Secondly, if something happens it will give you more to discuss with the teacher when you speak with her about it.

I will say that so far as a mother, this is the single hardest thing for me to know how to handle. We want to protect our babies so much and the thought of them being uncomfortable or hurt is unbearable, truly! But, I think you said it yourself that you have to start letting her figure things out on her own with the skills you teach her. I have trouble with this too, so I'm certainly not judging you, but learning how to navigate these situations is certainly a life skill that will be utilized her whole life and getting a handle on it now will make those middle and high school years (hopefully!!) more bearable for our daughters.

I've met some really mean little kids. Usually it's because their parents haven't set a standard for them at home and let them do whatever they want. Sometimes it's because they have a difficult disposition and the parents try, but aren't successful.

I don't quite understand why you're getting some flack because moms are talking about the problem this child is causing. It's not gossip. It's a PROBLEM that they are talking about that affects their kids, including your daughter. It's pretty normal to talk about these problems.

I would recommend that you go talk to the guidance counselor at the school. The other mothers could do the same if they wanted to. This way the guidance cousenlor would understand that there is a problem and she could HELP this child. It's better to start now to get her help than for her to continue this path as she gets older.

The guidance counselor can also help your daughter learn how to deal with this kind of child. Indeed, a lot of counselors go into the classrooms and talk about these kinds of issues. That way, all the kids learn about how to deal with it. It's an ongoing thing.