My Controlling Parent

I think the only thing you can do is to nicely say, "Dad, I appreciate your perspective, but we have made our decision and I would like you to respect that."

He's entitled to his opinion, but you do not owe it to him to do what he says or wants. Because this is the way he's always been, I do understand how you might second guess yourself. But you are a grown woman, and you and your husband make decisions for you and your kids, not your dad. And you don't owe him an explanation.

"Thank you for your input, Dad, but we have made our decision."

I feel for you. I just came on here and sat down to veg and read this, and immediately thought of my husband. His parents are both very controlling. They treat him like a child. For me, it's very awkward because they treat me like an adult. Our kids find it confusing - to see their dad treated like a kid, while I get treated differently.

They too offer money (strings attached).

My husband went to counseling. We no longer accept gifts of any kind.

My husband had to learn how to set boundaries and enforce them. I offer support only.

That took a counsellor supporting him too. It got ugly at first - the counsellor warned him of this.

Your dad can 'insist' all he likes. My husband will say "Well, no - I won't think about it - I've already given it thought and we've made up our mind as a family. But I understand where you are coming from. No more discussion please. If you can't respect that, then we'll have to take a break". It sounds really harsh, and sometimes I cringe if I overhear him, but unfortunately, it has to be said sometimes.

Hope that helps.

He's not going to change, and you're not going to change. Why not stop worrying about it? What fears is he triggering? The fear that you two won't talk for another 3 years? Is it that important to you?

I wouldn't normally say that to people. But you've already gone through 3 years of this, and you don't sound like it was devastating to you.

Focus on doing your own thing, and not worrying about what your dad thinks about your decisions. The next time he calls, when he brings it up, and he will, just say something like "Dad, we already talked about this. There is zero interest. Now, let's just change the subject." You are in the driver's seat. If you internalize that, instead of letting his pushiness be your immediate worry, you will feel better. He can't control you unless you let him...

Your father hasn't changed. It is unlikely that he will. If you want to have a relationship with him, you have to accept that you will always need to draw and maintain boundaries with him. This includes saying things, like, "I am not going to discuss this with you." and, "Asked and answered."

His honey is irrelevant if you don't take any from him. You know it is a tool of manipulation and have total control to remove it's power. Do not take cash gifts or borrow money. Do not let him pay for trips or other expensive things. Etc.

If you can't maintain a relationship with your father without having emotional trauma and fear, then it is not a healthy relationship for you to have. You could try therapy to make yourself stronger, or you can simply let the relationship die.

You can't help who you're born to, but adults get to choose who to call family and hold close. Be mindful of your choices. You are a grown adult woman and his peer. Remember that, rather than thinking of yourself as in a child position. If he wasn't your father, would you be friends with a man like him? Think about that.

Our parents know how to push all our buttons because they installed them!
You've got several choices here.
You know the pattern you and he had in the past - you can try not to fall into it.
He pauses in conversation?
So what? Let him pause.
Maybe he has aphasia - he can't think of the words he wants for a short while.
If you refuse read between the lines you can't infer he's saying anything.

If he wants to say something - he has to say it out loud - and then you can say
"Thanks for your opinion Dad. I listened and I hear you but I'm going to do this my way.
We're not going to talk about this anymore.".
After that - any time he brings it up you say
"We've had this conversation.
I'm not changing your mind.
You're not changing my mind.
We're just going to have to agree to disagree and leave it at that." - and change the subject.
If he wants to be mad - he can be mad - so what?
You are not responsible for his happiness or lack thereof.

Think about exactly what you are afraid of.
You've already not had contact for 3 years once before.
If you need to - you can do that again.
That's your other choice.
Well, there's one more.
You could let him control you - but I don't think that's a real option.

I like Gidget's answer. Acknowledge his idea and then repeat your decision. My social worker daughter does that with the kids she works with. 'I know you'd like XXXX but right now we're doing YYYY' lather rinse repeat until they resign themselves to the fact that XXXX isn't going to happen.

He's not going to change how he is but you have control over how you react to him. You need to meet him where he is in life and once you have that common ground you need to stick firm to the things that are important to you and your family.

maybe you need to apply more boundaries to your 'rekindled' (an odd term for a parent, usually reserved for romance) relationship with your dad.

'there is no need to instruct me to 'think about it', dad. i assure you my husband and i give a lot of thought to our parenting philosophy.'

'i have already addressed this situation with you and given you our answer. if anything changes i'll let you know. the subject is now closed. what are your plans for christmas this year?'

if he's actually triggering fear in you, you probably need to explore this further with a professional, but do not involve him.

good luck!
khairete
S.

I probably would ask him:

I wonder if you need a hearing aid since you ask me again about this subject. I guess you know my answer. I relly don't want to repeat it.

Or,
It looks like you get forgetful. You have ask me the same question again even so you know my answer already.

I hope you will find a way to work it out with him. But don't suffer through the next couple of years with him to please him. If he can not enjoy the relationship you offer you don't have to bent over.
You now have to look after your own little family.