In Need of a Change

I think you are completely in the right. It's not about him talking to someone else, the fact is he knows it makes you uncomfortable. Now it is about respect. Each partner in a marriage should have respect for the other's feelings. I can understand that this woman probably makes him feel good about himself and maybe he needed that, but now he needs to undersand that it needs to be over. At the same time maybe offer up to him that you need to work on making him feel better about himself. Try acting as you did when you were first dating, make eyes at him, be flitatious. It is easy to fall into feeling like an old couple, but the spark sometimes needs to be rekidled in a relationship. Maybe take a minivacation on a weekend just the two of you and remember why you all fell in love and had 2 wonderful kids. I hate to see good marriages not make it out of hard times. Just remember it's worth the work for that kind of love!!! Hope you all can make it through, the hard times make us stronger.

No ma'am you are not being controlling!!!! I had the same issue. I decided that since talking him was not effective, so I decided to fight fire with fire. Some of my guy friends would call me, but out of respect for him I would not talk to them. After he started this crisis, I started talking to them. He overheard a conversation we were having about him and it made him so mad. What really upset him was the fact that I was on the phone, just like he was with someone that he asked me not to talk to.

The lesson he learned from me was: If he didn't want it done to him, then don't do it to me.

If you go back to soon, then nothing will change. You have to let him know that you are not going to tolerate his continued friendship with her. Stay gone long enough to make this clear.

Keep talking to him. You have every right to be jealous, even if it is just attention he's giving her. You have every right to fight for your man. Just don't fight with him. Fight for him. He has to cut off all contact with her. I had this same problem once with my husband. He just didn't understand my concern. I have never showed jealousy anytime before, so after I made it very clear that she was a problem, he finally listened. He's flirting with danger. But, so far, he's only flirting as far as you know. She does live in another state. Don't leave him over this, but do get help and fight for him. I recommend the book "Created to be His Helpmeet" by Debi Pearl at www.nogreaterlove.com. If you at all can get him to go with you for help, I hightly recommend the Love and Respect Conference by Dr. Eggerich. Your husband will like it as well. So, will you. It has helped my marriage. My advice is make sure to remind your husband why he chose you (but not with your words: like nagging). Fight for your man, even if that means getting on HER level. Do it for your sake, your husband's, and then your kids' sakes. It is worth fighting for. Protect your vineyard with every ounce of strength you have. Make sure he understands how serious this is and that you won't share him with anyone. It hurts, I know. Your first instinct is to say that you don't deserve this (and you're right!). Your next instinct is to give him ultimatums in anger. He won't react well to your anger, your nagging, your suspicions, your accusations. But, he will most likely react positively (though it may take awhile to sink in) to loving and respectful words and actions. That is HARD to do when you've been hurt. As Dr. Phil says, someone needs to step up and be the hero. Swallow some pride, slow down, speak appropriately to your husband, show him how much you care for him and your marriage. Talk to him in rational, logical ways. And PRAY hard. At least, in the end, you can say that you did everything you could and there are no regrets on your part. Don't make any hasty decisions that you will highly regret later.

If he insists he isn't going to talk to her anymore I would have hime call her with you in the room and then you make sure she gets it by talking to her woman to woman. Let her know that she crossed the line and you aren't going to stand around and let your husband make a fool of you anymore. Have your Mom come stay with your kids and re-kindle your marriage - SOON. Update us!!

I find that reversing a situation and putting my husband in my shoes works wonders. Ask him how he'd feel if you were chatting up an old boyfriend, up to an including the sexy talk. Most thinking men will be shamed when they have their behavior shoved in their faces.

He may be feeling that he's not getting something from you. The two of you need to sit down and talk openly and honestly with one another. Don't assume he just "knows" something because you've been married for ages. Also, explain in plain English what his words translate to in your brain. I know that seems strange, but the male brain really doesn't process like ours.:)

The two golden rules of my marriage are:
ALWAYS be honest and NEVER do anything you don't want your spouse to do or find out you're doing.

Good luck!

Been there!!!! You did the right thing. The best advise I can give you is to always go with your gut instinct. I know how it is. You try to be understanding and not jump to conclusions, but you can't help but be upset. And the excesive drinking is not a good sign either. That was another problem we had which led to many other problems. There is absolutely no reason for a married person,man or woman, to have a relationship w/ another of the opposite sex. It is ok to have friends but not when your spouse is excluded.There is a book by Stephen Covey called "Crucial Conversations" and is very helpful with how to approach the situation in a verbally positive manner w/ out accusing. Don't give up right away. Keep the communication open and try all you can to keep your relationship fun and bring back the excitement which can be easily lost w/ the hectic schedule of a family w/ small children. In the end, you will know if leaving is the right thing to do. If you do all you can, at least you walk away knowing you tried your best. Do NOT let him break you down mentally, or emotionally. Be strong and stand your ground. It is soooo hard because you are making decisions not just for your future, but for your children as well. My husband and I divorvced when ny son was 2. We did not see him for 6yrs, and have now remarried. Things are better as he has grown up, but there will always be issues to work on. Give them an inch and they will always take a mile. Although my son is the sweetest, most wonderful child I could ever ask for, I will always worry if it had effected him for the long run. Children are tougher than you think. As long as they know they are loved and you have a happy, positive enviroment for them to live in, they will be fine. There are many bumps in life's highway. I hope things work out for you.

You are right to take this seriously. I have a friend that her husband reconnected after a HS reunion with an old flame she lived out of state as well). After similar phone calls, and "business" trips, his infedelity was found out. He divorced his wife and is now married to the former girlfriend.
If a woman calls a married man to "catch up" she has more on her mind then just friendship. She may be unhappy or lacking something in her own life. Not to bash men but I think that they don't always see things for what they really are. If I were you I would continue to stand my ground. Fight for your marriage and your family! You are right to let him know just how serious you are about the situation. Stand strong and firm in you position. Hopefully, he will figure out how much you love him and the harm that this does to your very personal relationship. If you don't think he is "figuring out" what is most important then I would suggest seeking counseling BEFORE this gets to out of hand.

I may post a longer response later (getting ready for work) but I just wanted to send you some support and tell you that you are definitely not being controlling, and that you have every right to feel the way that you do and to have taken the actions that you have taken. Hey listen , please don't worry about your son, I mean not to the point that you would put up with this kind of behavior to keep your family together for the child. you don't want to teach your son that this is acceptable behavior and that a wife should put up with it, you want more than that for your boy. Let your husband really think about his actions and give him time to think about the possibility of losing you and having his family as he knows it fall apart. Perhaps he is going through a mild mid- life crisis, so that's when he should buy a motorcycle of sporty little car! I'm sure that she is stroking his ego, maybe you need to work on that a little bit, but this is no excuse for him to behave this way, I say put your foot down and keep it there, if he wants his family then he has to behave like it! Don't let him back until he sees that and makes a complete turn around, and maybe he shouldn't be out drinking till midnight, fish bite right before dusk and again right before dawn, not late in the evening! family men don't behave this way if they value their family! I wish you the very best of luck, please keep us posted as now we are all concerned about you! Hugs!

You have every right to feel like u feel. A common ploy that people cheating may use is to reverse the argument to being your fault (i.e. you're just jealous, etc). You received very good advice already. In addition to that, have you thought of contacting your cell company, getting her number and contacting her? You may be enlightened on what she tells you he is telling her. Good luck...this must be very difficult.

No you are not being controlling at all... and yes you are being very reasonable... Your husband should have more respect for you, the kids and himself.. He took vows and he should honor them... Maybe go to counseling see your pastor... for advice... He should cut off all contact with the ex.. that is why she is the ex... she is an ex for a reason!!!!!!!!!! he should know that..
I will be praying for you.. that God will hold your marriage together.. and in the name of Jesus we cancel the very assignment that the enemy had against your marriage... I pray that your husband will begin to be more communicative with you and loving on you more and that he will come to his sense in Jesus name and tell the ex that he can not talk to her anymore via phone email, mail or otherwise... in Jesus Name!

I think you did the right thing by telling him to cut it out or leave! Now you just have to stick to your guns. I went through something similar and made all kinds of threats for 5 years! That was the worst time of my life! It happened to be my neighbor and someone I thought was a good friend. It really crushed my spirit, aged me, and made me feel the lowest I have ever felt. My reasoning for staying was that I had 2 little kids and no ways to support myself and my kids. Looking back, I would never go through that again! Men do go through a midlife crises, but that is no excuse to allow them to dump trash on you. Be strong and stick to your guns. Otherwise you may never forgive yourself for putting up with that. You deserve better and so do your kids!

I was in a very similiar situation with my husband not to long ago. He was talking to and emailing an old girlfriend as well. What they do not understand is we as women think to much and this can turn into worse then it really is. I sat down and talked to my husband about it and found he did not feel like he was getting the attention he needed at home. This other women made him feel good about himself while I was worried about making 4 children feel good about thereselves. I asked him if this was ok for me as well cause truthfully I could really use someone to agree with me all the time and tell me how wonderful I was. It came down to realizing that we had both gotten really busy and needed to also work on the relationship that we had. We now take time for ourselves and even have date night once a month. There is always a deeper reason for everything we do perhaps searching his deeper reason will help you both.
I hope this helps.
L.

You are not being controlling. he is being a sleezbag. Even if he had too much to drink, he still should not have been pursuing that relationship to begin with. I know you would want to stay with him for the kids' sake, but do you think it is healthy for them to see this kind of unhealthy relationship. Your son will learn how to treat his wife by watching your husband. He needs a healthy role model. And it would be more healthy for your daughter to know (in the future when she is old enough) that a woman should not put up with any man treating her that way. Maybe he wasn't "sleeping" with her, but to me, that is still having an affair.
I wonder how he would feel if he were in your shoes.

The two of you need to read The Caring and Feeding Of Marriage by Dr. Laura Schlesinger. He's being very insensitive. But you also need to think are you behaving like a girlfriend or a nag. When husbands get the two basics they dont stray. Food and sex are the what they look forward to. When we as mothers have little ones we tend to forget the needs of our husbands. The children will grow up and and out, don't forget he needs you also. Get a babysitter once a week or everyother, dress nice and sexy like you did when you were dating and go on a date. If you make him feel special, he'll put you back on that pedestal and he'll make all your dreams come true. No woman will be able to turn his head. But he also needs to know you won't take girlfriends calling. But I promise if you start the change he will follow. Good luck.

I'm a mother of two grown children who went through a divorce and have found a wonderful man, but I can tell you if my ex and I had continued to care for each other after the kids came things may have been different.

I agree with some of the other women, he is cheating on you. And what kind of loser is this women talking to him when he has a wife and kids. I could never imagine my husband doing this, you have to protect yourself, and set the standard on how you want/deserve to be treated, or it'll get worse.

You're not being too controlling or unreasonable. If you don't stop him now, it will only get to the point that it isnt just on the phone. He is cheating on you, whether he's doing it physically or not, he is.

Abosoutely not! You are not being too controlling. No man or woman should be talking to their ex on a daily basis if married. Communicate with him and ask if something is sexually missing from the marriage and work on satisfying each other. Then he won't feel the need (or even want) to talk that way with another woman. I would take him back, but make sure that the communication with her needs to end.

Dear L.,

Put an end to this now or the problem will become worse. This phone relationship with the ex is WAY over the top.

God Bless !

You are not being controlling. This is your husband. Trust your gut feelings on this one. The grass always looks greener and easier at a distance. I would tell your husband that you are most uncomfortable with his contact with this woman. Faithfulness in a marriage must be protected. You would also benefit from a Christian counselor for marriage counseling. I hope and pray your husband will agree to stop all contact.

Hi L. -

You have every right to feel hurt and even angry. You love your husband and his behavior is hurting you. I would speak to your pastor (if you go to church) or a Marriage Counselor if you don't. I agree with some of the other woman that have already responded. If you don't do something about it now teh behavior will be worse and he could go too far with someone that lives closer than IL.

Good luck and don't wait to get the ball rolling to save your marriage!

You were right. You should be the only woman in his life. Men are not just friends to women. He needs to quit kidding himself. And if he is calling you controlling, it's because he is try to deflect attention from his behavior to yours. You did the right thing. If he is not up for counselling, like someone else suggested, try going to a couples' retreat with your church or any church, that will refocus him on what his role as a husband should be. I don't think you will need to leave him. I think he will come around. Good luck.

You know the problem with us (women) is that we try to give a person an excuse for what they do. Especially when we really know the truth. Truth is, you know deep within your heart what is going on with him and the woman, you just wanted validation from everyone else. You know how we are, it's something deep inside us that lets us know! You try to figure out what you did wrong. Is it my figure? Am I not giving him what he needs? Truth is, it has nothing to do with you. It's a choice that he has made. It doesn't matter if he is 5 or 35, he knows right from wrong. I'm married, as well and I wouldn't tell you to just leave him. B/c I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes. But, I will say this, don't base your decision on your children. If we leave decisions up to what our kids would think, then we wouldn't get anywhere in life.YOU are a person first. YOU have feelings first. YOU are important first. As moms we always make our feelings last. You can't care for or love you children the way they need it, if you are an emotional wreck! Think of your self FIRST! If you believe in God pray, if you don't believe in God PRAY! :) Stand up for yourself! Talk to him and let him know what you expect (not limiting calls). You want the calls to STOP! You want her to be gone and out of YOUR life, let her know as well! You don't know what her "mission" is. Sometimes we sit back and take things lightly when that other person is on a mission to take what you have! Let him and her know where you stand.

Yeah you both need to sit down and talk. Seriously would he be okay with you talking to another man into the wee hours of the morning. I doubt it. You are not being controlling!!! He is the one being controlling because he didn't take his wife's feelings into consideration as he struck up a relationship with another woman and he wants you to just accept it and let him have it. If he wants her he needs to leave and if he wants you then she needs to be gone completely; no phone or email (bc they could send nasty messages w/o your knowledge). You may not want him to leave but sweetie that is a slap in the face for him to want another woman while he's married to you.
Hope you guys work it out.

Wow, you have received some major support and obviously hit a sore spot! I didn't have time to read all of the responses so forgive me if this is redundant. First of all his accusing you of being controlling is clearly him trying to justify his actions. He knows what he is doing is wrong (so does she by the way). My guess is that you two are having some communication problems and not connecting with each other. That has to be dealt with or this problem will persist and get worse. Whatever you do, do not let this just drop. Get some Christian counseling if possible but for sure sit down with him (in love) and explain how his actions and attitude is affecting your family. Let him know that you will do whatever it takes to protect your marriage. Make sure to reassure your children too, they really need security. Most importantly pray for your husband and your marriage daily. God wants your marriage to be great and He has all of the answers you are looking for. If it wasn't for The Lord my husband and I wouldn't be together right now. We've been married for 22 years. Praise God! God bless you!

No sweety... U r not being controlling. Ur husband and his past sweetheart are flirting with one another. And he is not being a man because he has not nipped this problem in the bud. He is playing right along with it. They are not kids. They are veryyyy much aware of their actions... Him telling u that u are jealous is just a freaking excuse for him to continue socializing with her... Put ur foot down because if u dont then he wont just be having a provacative conversation, he will be sleeping with her and acting out what they are talking about in that conversation....

You are not being controlling. He needs to grow up and give up this friend of his. This high school sweet heart needs to leave him alone. He's a married man with a family. If it were me I would insist on him calling and telling her she needs to quit calling and that the past is the past. His future is now with his wife and children. Good luck to her and her life, but he is no longer a part of it.

Let us know what happens.

His behavior is unacceptable. I still occasionally talk to my ex who is also very far away, but not provocatively! We talk about when i visit getting together with our spouses and kids for the kids to meet. As he is cousins witht my aunts new husband and we are cordial with one another. HE is also FRIENDS WITH my husband now!!! This is why it is ok for us to maintain talking occasionally... and i emphasize occasionally! If it ever got to where I thought he wanted more I would quit talking to him. As for your son, you may not say things about it but obviously he can see daddys not being normal to mommy. They know and sense a lot at this age. I hope your husband does a turn around or it could cause some firther problems.

Best Wishes, My thoughts and prayers are with you

Hi there
You have recieved a tun of wonderful advice and I really agree with all they have said. I also have two little ones and I know how draining it can be even with the very best of days. I have an ex-boyfriend that I think about ocasionaly and wonder how he is doing. You know, I only really think about him when I am emotionally exhausted. If its been a while since my husband and I have really connected and spent quality time (not watching the same TV show)together I start to wonder about my ex. I have never tried to look him up because I am almost positive how it would be. If am focusing on my marriage and how I can help our friendship because I am giving, I am also recieving. You cannot under estimate how taxing it can be with having little ones that are constanly in need of Mommy and Daddy. I don't know the whole situation but if you can open up to him and help him understand that you struggle too, but turning to someone else is not the solution, I think that could do wonders. You are not wrong in anyway but what I am trying to say is when I approach mine and my husband's issues humbly we get alot further. No one is perfect but you both know you are better together than apart or you would not have chosen eachother. So what I am saying is think about ways you can really help eachother get through this together.
Better together than apart!
Wish you the best!
A.

I am VERY sorry to hear what you are going through. I would recommend the book "Emotional Infedelity" by Gary Neuman for both of you. Here's a blurb from the review of the book, "Do you get a secret thrill out of flirting with coworkers—thinking it's safe because you know it's not going any further? If so, you're committing emotional infidelity—and you're draining your marriage of the energy it needs to be great." I bought the book because it also talks about sending email jokes to coworkers but then being too tired to tell it or share with your spouse later... that's where my relationship was. It was an eye opening read for me, and I believe it would be helpful for you even more so. What your husband is doing IS being unfaithful - but you both will benefit from reading the book as you both will need to work together to address the problem and not just this obvious symptom. I wish you the best in resolving the issue together. I would also recommend a short, little-word discussion with your son to say that you love him and your husband loves him and this is not his fault, that Mommy and Daddy are grown-ups working out a grown-up problem. I am suggesting something along these lines because your son has picked up on the tension and is scared, and to not address it with him will allow that fear to grow larger where if you address it you can renew his security. You don't know what will happen with your husband of course but honest communication with your son (but only as much as necessary) will give him comfort that he doesn't have to fear the unknown because you've given a name (well, a talk) to the unknown and you and daddy are handling it.

L., I have read many stories on this site and this one tugs at my heart. First of all you are not being controlling. You are being a married woman and the mother of your husbands children. You took vows and you are honoring them. Whatever reason your husband thinks he has for uncovering a new friendship is not your concern. I cannot tell you what you should do because he is your husband but I can tell you what you should do for yourself. Love yourself more than you love him. The first man in your life should be a higher power (God or whomever you serve), then yourself and then your children. I know how it feels to struggle with leaving the father of your children because the kids are innocent and did not ask for our mess. You did not cause this and your husband is showing lack of respect for himself and his vows. Nothing on this Earth should be reason enough for him to jeopardize losing his family. I do not understand why some men think it is okay to do things we cannot or will not do. Look to the positive male role models in your life (father, brother, uncles, cousins) and see that you deserve a man that is going to think with his brain and love you with all his heart. Your husband needs to realize nothing should be worth losing his family and if he does not realize it, you owe it to your kids to do what is best for them. Do not teach your son that it is okay to do what his father is doing and pose this question to your husband regarding his daughter. Would he want her husband doing these things to her? Your husband is lacking, not you. I am sick of the double standard we have in this society! Love yourself.

Dear L.,

You have every right to be angry & not just with your husband!
This ex should be ashamed of herself knowing he is married & has a beautiful family. Somtimes men are too stupid to see
or understand what's really going on. It's a huge boost to their egos. I have been down this path before & you are doing the right thing. Even though there may not be anything
going on, he shows very little respect for you & your feelings. Sometimes it takes doing what you did for them to
know we mean what we say. As for staying just for the kids sake - don't - staying in a loveless relationship could be very harmful to your kids. I don't know if you believe in God or not but he sure got me through my ordeal. Pray about it. You may even see if you can get him to go to Christian counseling or talk to your minister. My husband & I did survive his episode. I told him before we got married that he better make sure this is what he wants because the only reason I'ld leave him is if he fooled around on me & that he would be lucky to get out of the house with the shirt on his back. I don't give second chances when it comes to this. Luckiy it ended very fast. We have now been married 28 years, have 2 beautiful daughters & 2 precious grandsons & one more on the way. Life is wonderful! I will say a little prayer for you. God bless you & your beautiful children.

C.

You are right on the money! You are not being controlling, you are protecting your family. Evidently your husband has been inticed by this old flame. It is easy to remember only the good things of a previous romance and forget the very reasons that the romance did not continue. I think that you are right in giving an ultimatum. Alcohol or no alcohol, he knew that he could call her in the middle of the night. That is too much temptation and he needs to cut all ties. If he does cut all ties, the next thing I would recommend is that you then focus on the relationship with your husband. Not bringing this up as something to hold over his head, but creating your own reandavous in your bedroom, giving him something to look forward to when he comes home. (not that he doesn't know, but letting him know that you desire him will go very far in his being able to overlook attention from others-and believe me, there are enought women out there giving out the attention!) Good luck!

You are not being controlling. Your husband is stepping outside the area of trust in your marriage. No married man should talk to any woman everyday unless they are related! Your husband is straying for some reason and the best thing you can do is go to a marriage and family therapist so you can both deal with this in front of an objective professional. I think if you try to talk to him on your own his reaction will be negative or defensive. You are not doing anything wrong but you can not step back and look at this situation objectively. Also, if you are spiritual or religious your marriage is in desperate need of intervention before things get really out of hand. Go to your pastor and make an appt. to talk as a couple. Don't lost hope!

Oh i am so sorry you are going through this. My OPINION is if you check his cell phone records for the night he was fishing there was probally a few contacts to her early until they met... she was probablly in town.. i hate to bust your bubble but some men just cant be faithful... if he doesnt COMPLETELY STOP talking to her...NO CONTACT.... it would be over for me... ask him if you can start calling some old boyfriends from the old days? Yes it is better to stay with him but you cant LOSE YOURSELF in the process.. thats what is not fair to the kids... take it from me... took me 12 years to figure that one out... good luck and stay strong, wish i could give you a hug.... L.

I think you are handling this 100% correctly! He should not be spending extra time talking to an old girlfriend, no matter where she lives. Your marriage can probably be improved by this experience if you and he go to counseling together. Most marriages go through tough times and it is tempting to look elsewhere for "excitement" but if left alone it can lead to unfaithful behavior. I would demand he go to counseling in order to agree to come back home, and make him agree to not speak to her again. He needs to know he is endangering your trust and the marriage by doing this. Good luck and let us know how it goes if you can. Continue to do your best to keep things on positive terms around your kids - put them first - you are right about that also. Take care!!!!!!!!!

L.,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can just imagine your hurt and pain!

You are right to want to work through this problem for the sake of your children. Children really need both parents to stay together. The other aspect is that it would be extremely difficult being a single parent and sharing custody of the children. My husband often travels for his job, and it is EXTREMELY difficult on me to take care of our two sons on my own. I have to deal with everything with no breaks, and it is exhausting. I once told my husband if he ever left us, we would hunt him down like a dog!

With that in mind, where do you go from here? The best marriage book I've read is called "His Needs, Her Needs" by by Willard Harley Jr. He also has a book specifically for parents, which I have, but haven't read yet. Men and women have different needs, and usually the top of the list for men is physical intimacy. Most women think that they are just immature, but it's just how men are made. It's not an excuse for them to have an affair, but it's important to understand that it is a valid need for them, just as women have valid needs.

It may also be a good idea to confront the ex-girlfriend yourself and have a very serious conversation with her about the problems she is causing your family. Hopefully it would shame her and maybe get her to back off. It would be great if you could speak to her with your husband present. And you would not be out of line to insist that he cut off ALL contact with her. In fact, that is exactly what Dr. Harley says must happen.

I sincerely hope and pray you and your husband can work through this. My husband and I have also experienced difficulties in our marriage, but thankfully we are both Christians and we are committed to staying together. We attend a church of Christ in San Marcos, and our church family provides support and encouragement. If you are in need of a church family, feel free to contact me, and I would be glad to help in any way I can.

I haven't finished reading all the responces but I want to let you know that you are not being controlling. Let me tell you something I learned about us women the way God designed us. We were made from man's rib. Men were made from dirt. Dirt has no living organismes, bones do. By giving us this God gave us INTUITION. Men walk right into stuff head on and stupidly. We were given to our husbands so those lil intuitive antenaes go up and warn them about those business traps, the new secretary the ex that calls up from the blue. So don't ever feel controlling, don't ever feel like a jelous freak, don't ever let anyone make you believe that your imagination is running overtime okay. YOUR JUST BEING THE WOMAN GOD DESIGNED YOU TO BE!!!!! A rib comes from man's side not his back, his foot or his neck. Comes from a man's side, you are to walk beside him, in this walk that you became one when you both said I do. He should listen to you when you say he's on dangerous ground talking crazy with this so called ex. He should have never belittled you by even letting her think that your marriage isn't sacred where you two can only go there. The drinking is not a good sign either. Also I wanted to add that don't ever think you have to stay in a relationship for the kids. Your husband has to be there 100% for that to even matter. I'm doing more for my kids away from my disfunctional relationship than I did for them being in a bad marriage. In fact my kids have more respect for me because when I was with him walk all over me and they were starting to be the same way because I didn't have his support. Well when he left and I got my self esteem back I got my kids back in order. Don't get me wrong its much better for the family when your together, but the key word is together. Together isn't him talking to his ex. I wouldn't run home from your mom's to quick, I'd make sure he really is sincere about not sparking up convo with that girl again. Sometimes they think they mean it till everything is back to normal again. Good luck and I just wanted you to know the significance of being a woman. Sure its a man's world because of sin in the Garden of Eden, but woman have power and its to be used to help our loved ones see a good way not to lure them into our clutches like the so called ex girlfriend, she's probally down on her luck and digging back into her past, so put on your intuitive cap and tell your husband don't be so stupid and gullible.
Oh and the other thing is that the only way this friendship of his would have worked is if you werre included and your not and he was also flirting so please know that your definately not controlling your being his significant other who has on your intuitive cap!!!!

your husband has totally crossed the line! don't let him manipulate you that you are being controlling or overreacting! total mind games! stand strong for how you should be treated as a wife, don't settle for his unacceptable behavior for the kids....what are you teaching them? would you have wanted your mom to stay with your dad, if he was unfaithful to her? i'll pray for you...don't settle for less than you deserve.

No, No, No! You are not being controlling! You stand you ground and value yourself. You a trainning hom how to treat you. If you continue to allow him to do this he's going to think it's ok and this out right disrespect will continue. It's not good for you or the kids.

Your relationship is a model that they will remember and repeat. You are not controlling; ypu're setting boundaries. If this woman is worth his relationship with you; let him have it, because you've got to know that you're worth being not only first in his life but the only one in his life! Communicate your true feelings COMPLETELY (those things in parenthasis) so that there are no grey areas. Keep your boundaries and allow him to determine the relationship - by chosing between the two. Be strong in what ever the decision. Be grounded in the fact that you deserve to be the ONE!

A little bit about me... I'm a happily married 35 year old MAN to my supermodel for 13 years with 6 beautiful daughters.

Hey girl, I just want to send out prayer and support to you and your family. I am a beliver and I know God will take care of all so lay your heartache at his feet and wait for his guidance. Meanwhile Pray, Pray and Pray some more for peace, strength and guidance through the process of healing your marriage. We all care here at mommasource for you. GOD BLESS

L. -

You are not being controlling - you are being reasonable. There are many ways you can handle this but if you set a limit and he is not able to respect it, you must know of the pattern that will develop if you do not follow through - so make sure that you chose wisely what the consequences will be and do not come from an emotionally reactive place at the time. This is your marriage your talking about here.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and talk to him. You have been very reasonable with him and he needs to know this. Does he know this? If he is saying that you are being controlling and jealous, when you clearly are not, then I am wondering why he is saying these things - they are defensive remarks. Is he justifying himself because these are "just" phone conversations, innocent, etc...? Affairs can come in many forms - they do not have to always be physical.
I would ask him what it is that he likes so much about this person and try to get a good idea on what this friendship is about - what does it give to him? What do they talk about? If he gets defensive - you need to let him know there is no need for that, just that you are trying to understand how, out-of-nowhere, this has come about - surely he can understand if it was you who was talking to an old boyfriend - ask him how he would feel if he had overheard you talking like that to an old boyfriend and what conclusions he might jump to. Tell him that you have choices on how to handle this - you can be reactive and anal, or you can try and understand - this is your way to understand - and you need his help.

If he does not come around in this conversation and remains defensive, then you really cannot do much. You can try to make a phone call to her and then ask her the same questions and see how she reacts. Ask her what she thought of a married man talking to her the way he did that night, and what she did about it. If you do not feel comfortable going this route, then I would say to just let time pass and see what happens. This may blow over - THEN - you probably can talk to him about it after the relationship is over. However, In the meantime, I would be smart and get my ducks all lined up in a row - just in case there is something more here than a casual relationship. Yes you love your husband and yes this hurts but you need to be prepared well for yourself and your kids if you have to be.

Good luck - remember to stay focused and do not allow him to pull you away from the main point - he is adding a big stressor to your relationship. You are a smart lady. You are certainly not over-reacting - do not put up with remarks like that! Listen to yourself in these matters and keep yourself grounded as best as you can.

Alli

First of all, never worry about "for the kids sake" in a bad situation. The kids will suffer all the more because the sense something isn't right and it is an unhealthy situation for them to be raised in, it is better for them for you and your husband to be happy (even if it means separated or divorced) so they can be raised in healthy environment..

That being said, you should seek marriage counseling. If it is a mid-life crisis he should seek personal sessions as well, if it is something that has gone stale or missing form the marriage it is time to get it in the open and figure out if you two can work it out or not.

Calling the ex as a friend now and then should not be a problem. Talking to her constantly and provocatively, particularly if he is hurting your feelings with it is an issue that needs to be dealt with and now.

I hope you two can work things out...but remember, it is far healthier for your children to see mommy and daddy happy than to watch then tense and miserable while they grow up.

Good luck!

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are not being controlling at all. I think the first step is done in that he told you he wants you to come home and that he won't talk to her anymore. However I do agree that some counseling is in order. I don't know what is going on with your man but it would be great for you guys to talk things out with a mediator and get to the bottom of this thing. Hopefully with you going to your mom's he saw how serious this was.
I would also recommend talking to God about it. You need to have your heart healed so that you will be able to trust him again. Best wishes to you and hang in there!!

Hello L.;
I'm so sorry to hear that are going through this. You are not being controlling. You are feeling this way for a reason. He is having an "affair" with another woman and he needs to stop because its hurting you and your marriage. If he has stopped communication with this person maybe you should sit down and have a serious talk with him about your marriage and figure out what is missing in your marriage and make concrete steps to fix the problems. If that doesn't work, counseling may be the next step. Don't ever feel like you can't stand up for yourself. I don't think your marriage is that bad at all but the statement you made about staying for the kids alarms me. I understand how much more difficult it is to raise kids on your own even with joint custody but if your marriage isn't solid, it is my opinion that you are only hurting your children more by staying. Good luck and make sure to dig deep and be concerned if you aren't happy and what it will take to be happy and share those feelings with your hubby also. Take care.

I see you already have quite a few responses, but I feel like you could probably use all the support you can get right now. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

You are not controlling. The simple fact that you allowed him to talk to her shows a high level of maturity and trust on your part, but I do feel he is violating that trust. He is also disrespecting you and the sacrifices you have made to be his wife and the mother of his children.

If you do go back to him, be sure to set up some rules. I think that you may want to take control here and tell him the way it's going to be in regards to this other woman. Tell him what you expect from him, and DO NOT BEND! The fact that he was drinking when he was being disgusting with her only means that his true feelings were able to come out. We all lose our inhibitions when we drink.

Get her phone number and confront her if this garbage doesn't stop. Don't attack her because if the relationship is already heading down the wrong road your husband has been the one leading her there. Kindly remind her of who you are and ask her to stop because it's jeopardizing the entire family!

Good Luck!

Wow. I am responding because I recently started conversing via email with my high school sweetheart. I am married and have a wonderful loving husband of 16 years whom I adore. We have three children. I dated my high school sweetheart for 3 years and he was a big part of my life. It feels good to know that he is ok and married with a family and happy and successful. I like the fact that we have a history together. However, the thought of talking provocatively with him would seem wrong to me. But his friendship is very important to me. At first we emailed every week, then every month, and now just every 6 months or so we check in with each other. I think that what your husband is doing does sound excessive. However, maybe it will just blow over with time. People change and much of what they are experiencing is nostolgic and memories. I feel for you, though. I would have reacted the same way. I just thought I would share my thoughts. Take Care.

L.,
Something I learned a long time ago is people treat you the way you allow them to. Personally I wouldn't have gone to mama's. I would have packed him a bag and set it out on the porch and told him he needed some time to think about what he really wants. If he decides he wants his family then he would have to call her in front of me and tell her NO contact what so ever ever again, then I would talk to her to reenforce the message and then he would change his cellphone number (and don't be afraid to check its call history)Then work on your relationship. If he doesn't agree then their relationship is
not casual. Your children need at least one strong role model in their life and it is OK if it's YOU!

Just getting him to stop communicating with her is not enough. You need to find out why he feels the need to talk to her in the first place. You need to find a neutral third party, like a marriage counsellor, because (since he said you were jealous and controlling) it sounds like he's definitely not going to be able to tell you himself.

I see that you have two very young kids. I would bet that he is missing his old life. Remember leisure time, sex & sleeping late on weekends? It's a difficult adjustment, for both of you.

Wouldn't bother with telling her to buzz off. Chances are she will only twist your conversation when she repeats it back to him later and chances are that he's already filled her head with stories of how badly you mistreat him. (This is pretty standard stuff.) Remember, your relationship is with him, not her.

The best way to fix a problem is to determine the ROOT CAUSE. And the root cause is almost never simply that another woman has made herself available.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

L., What you are going though is extremely difficult expecially when you have to put on a happy face around your children. Your husband may not be having a phsyical affair yet, but he is having an emotional affair. You are handling it well I think by setting up the boundry's and letting him know that there needs to be no contact. Your marriage is salvageable but a no contact rule has to be in place, but do not close your eyes. Be snoopy and check on phone records and even emails. By doing this it will help you to rebuild trust for your husband.

I beleive that the reason most affairs happen is because needs are not being met at home so individuals start looking elsewhere to meet those needs. She (other woman) is probably being his sounding board right now and saying all the right things which attracts him to her because she is meeting some of his needs. She is also probably saying things to him to boost his ego. There is a book called "His needs her Needs" by Dr. Harley. It is wonderful. Also, Dr. Harley has a web site www.marriagebuilders.com where you can go to get information on emotional affairs/phsyical affairs as well as people that can help you start to recover from this situation and rebuild your marriage. It is all free unless you decide to reach out for marriage counseling (which is also wonderful and helpful). Stay strong, your doing a great job and can survive and recover from this.

Hi.there L. well you done what was best you got away for the day to show him you are not playing his games.no he should not be talking to any other woman you are his wife and the mother of his childern this other lady has nothing with him so she needs to back off and move on there's a reason there still not together it was not mint to be.so your husband need's to tell her back off im a happy marreid man so move on and leave me alone and you need to be sitting there to make sure he tell's her that and if she keep's on trying to call your hubby then get your numbers changed and unlisted to were she cant get them well good luck girl hang in there he will wake up.

The way I see it... He began a relationship with another woman. Regardless of whether they have had physical contact (sex), they conducted an intimate and emotional-based relationship. It is/was an affair (thank goodness she lives in Illinois and not close by). And you have the right tobe angry. Don't let him undermine your confidence in your judgement. No self-doubt.
Perhaps he was attracted to talking to her in part becaue it is someone who remembers him as his "younger self". Maybe he is having a mid-life crisis, rebelling against the image he has of his current self nearing 40... But whatever the reason fueling this behavior, its probably not something that can be mended with a simple "it won't happen again". And what's with him reversing the blame and dumping it on you for being controlling and jealous?? Your marriage needs counseling to help repair the trust that's been broken; HE needs counseling to help him figure out what is causing his desire to talk to her. (He says he drank too much and that's why the call got out of hand--hello, he hasn't been drunk since his birthday, right?!) No, it sounds like their friedship has slowly incorporated flirting, then intimacy and the conversation you overheard shows that the relationship has progressed along normal adult timelines; it has expanded past boundaries of mere "friends".
I applaud you for not fighting in front of your children. They say that the most damage children experience from divorce is witnessing/hearing the arguments between their parents. Even if you stay together, it is incredibly important that their homelife is free from witnessing bitterness or arguments between you two.
Honestly, it is all up to what you can recover from. Trust is THE pillar of all relationships. If you can rebiuld trust with him, then you can save your marriage. If you can't, and you see that your relationship with him is constantly scarred by mistrust, anger, depression, emotional walls between the two of you, etc., then you are not doing your kids any good by staying together.

Good luck. My heart breaks for the situation you're in.

No, you're not being too controlling at all. His behavior is inappropriate as well as hurtful. Remind him what happens to families that follow the course he's on. Tell him you love him but you respect your marriage and yourself too much to allow him to treat you this way. You have every right to demand that he not speak to her again.
Keep your children out of it as much as you can but it's better than you stand up for yourself the way you are doing than to just tolerate it until it becomes unbearable or the unthinkable happens. It will turn your home into a very sad place for children.
huggggggggggs, M.

My husband has always said that there are two kinds of cheating: physical and emotional. And even if he's not sleeping with her, it doesn't mean he isn't cheating. You need to put your foot down. I think we can ALL understand that you don't want to leave him, because of your kids and because you love him. And maybe it can be turned around, but that means that he has to change what he's doing. He needs to not see or speak to this woman ever again, and he needs to lavish some attention on you and his kids!

L., I'm sorry that you are going through all of these problems with your husband. You have every right to do what you did. I do not think you have been controlling in any way. That person in Illinois has no right calling your husband and taking time away from his family. I understand that they want to talk about the good old days and once in a while. My husband has a good friend that is going through a divorce and she does not call often. My advice is talk to her woman to woman and see what is she looking for on your husband especially talking so provocative. Confront her and see what she has to say. Is that person married? I guess it does not matter. Another thing you can do is have your husband tell her to stop calling him in front of you.

Good luck,
Elisa

Hi L.,
You have all the right and reasons to react the way you do. Unfortunately, once the trust is lost is lost. It seems that he has not cheated on you, yet.. so, I think the relantionship deserves a second chance. Even if you were jealous you had the reasons to be, and he should not be talking to other women the way he did. If thinks get worse think that your kids are important but you are important too. It is unhealthy to live in a situation where a husband is unfaithful or acts inapropiate. Nowadays, there are many ways to help kids with life transitions. Yes, if you ever have to split it is going to be hard but it will be harder for them to see their parents in constant "fights." Remember, that it is his choice to make up for those mistakes and you have to make your own decisions. Give him and yourself a chance to work it out. And he needs to stop talking to her even if she is 1000 miles away - he needs to make that decision if he really wants to try. Try to think of you and your well being rather than the anger of the situation. Good luck!

You are completely in the right....Although it is ok for your husband to have other friends it is not ok for him to talk to her on the phone that way after midnite. I have alot of friends of the opposite sex and so does my husband. We both had our friends before we were together and both of us agreed that we would keep our friends after we were married. I guess the difference is none of them are our exes and I know all of his friends and he knows all of mine and we all hang out on a regular basis. In fact my best friend that I tell everything to is a man, and I guess it is refreshing to have that mans point of view when we have a problem. But like I said not only is my best friend a man my husband know him and likes him and they even hang out together when Im not around and the same goes with his female friends and me we hang out. But never have I heard or seen or done anything inapproprate with any of our friends. So you are not being controlling and you asking him to sever the relationship is a resonable request. Contrary to what ppl are saying it is completely possible for a man and a woman to be nothing more that just friends, but obviously they had a past and one or both of them are conteplating rekindling that. Put your foot down and tell him that you will not put up with that and as his wife he should respect you more than that to treat you that way. You and your children should come first in his life with NO exceptions. This can be overcome you just need to sit down and open that line of converstation and tell him how you feel.....Good Luck.....I wish you the best!

Hi L.,
My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for almost 11 and have 2 daughter 10 and 6. About 5 years ago I found my high school sweet heart whom I had dated for 6 years on the internet. Although I knew it was wrong I contacted him. We began communicating daily via e mail and after about 2 months my husband found out; needless to say was angry and hurt. He gave me a choice either I stop the communication or he would leave. Since I did not want to loose my family I told my husband that I would stop the e mails, however I did not. We e mailed daily some were flirty some were provocative and some were just about the day we had had. I began to live for his e mails which put a strain on my marriage. Although he lived 4 hours from me we did meet in person a couple of times although it never got physical in any way, I was cheating on my husband emotionally. So to answer your question are you being too controlling I say... NO WAY!!!!!!!
Your husband and I have overstepped the line, and what starts out as flirty can easily turn physical and or emotional if they continue communicating whether they see each other or not. If you have any questions let me know. Good Luck!!!!!!

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I have to say that his excuse it pathetic. You should have more respect from your husband than that. I am a firm believer that things done or said while under the influence are much more truthful than I would like to believe. I have no advice, but wish you all the luck in this. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.

OMG L., You are totally not be controlling. It is so reasonable to expect that your husband spend his time thinking and wanting to be with you not his ex. I don't believe in this mid-life crisis BS. It is just a guys excuse to act like a kid and not feel guilty. He made a committment to you and he better start acting like it. Have you discussed with him why he enjoyed talking with her so much and not spending time with you? It may be he is feeling neglected (another guy thing) beacuse of the enormous time and responisbility you have to the two little ones. I know that personally I have (now a 3 year old and 1 year old), and in the last year my husband claimed to feel neglected and unneeded and that I could care less about him. It was all because the baby required so much of my energy and the toddler was so needy because of the baby. As tired as I was I just made it a point to start making sure to thank him daily for the things he did and get him involved in the stuff I was doing with the kids. It seemed to make a lot of difference. (I am not blaming you at all I am simply saying his ex may have been filling a void that existed simply because having young kdis drains us moms so much. It is not an excuse for him as he really should have just realized the kids need you more right now, but non-the-less you don't want to leave because of it, and you can without compromising yourself just start to say thank you to him for things and he may feel more included in your life).

I would NOT put up with that either. I definitely do not think you are being too controlling. We had trouble with this girl my husband used to be friends with when my son was younger (less than 1 yr old). She kept calling constantly. Then she told a mutual friend of theirs that my husband had been over there (even though he hadn't), which was kind of freaky so he lessened the contact with her. The final straw was when she called at 2 am one night. Which is already weird enough as it is. Plus with having a child, especially an infant, there better not be anyone calling that late unless it's an emergency. She even has a kid, so she should know. He didn't talk to her anymore. She would occasionally send him a random text message, but he wouldn't reply. She sent one on Valentines Day saying "I Love You". He replied to ask her what was up with that and she said she sent that to everyone in her contact list. But now our numbers have been changed so she can't call or text message anymore.

My heart breaks for you because I know what you are going through. My husband was 40 when he started seeing a co-worker. What I told my husband was that even if there isn't anything sexual going on you are giving her the time and affection that should be mine. If I had it to do over I would have told him early on, it's either her or me, and mean it. My husband and I are still toghether after 38 years but there were several very rocky years where I thought I was going to divorce him. Best of luck to you.