Seeking an Opinion

M.

Just like you I wouldn't like the idea of my husband being in contact with his ex. If they don't have any children together there really isn't a need for them to be talking. The fact that he did it without letting you know is not good either.

I read your other posts and it seems to me that you know your marriage is over. Dump him and move on. It seems like he has already and based on what you have said, he doesn't seem like a good catch anyways. Make 2009 YOUR year.

You only have one life to live, don't let him spoil any more of your days with his nonsense! Stay strong!
Y.

I think first you have to simply sit down with your husband and ask why he feels the need to talk to her. Perhaps because their relationship ended badly, he is looking for closure. I am thinking of it this way, giving him the benefit of the doubt, I personally hate to fight. He is of course your husband and if he is doing something that makes you uncomfortable you are within every right to ask him what is going on and to stop if it really bothers you. The reason he might not have said anything about it is because he didnt want to upset you and/or he was only talking to her to sort of clear his conscience. Talk to him!

I think communicating with your husband is a MUST! I would not be happy about him communicating with his ex. I do not expect my husband to share every second and detail of his life with me, but talking to an ex is a very big deal to me and I would be very hurt if he did not tell me about it!

If your hubby is married before do you let him to communicate with his ex? ABSOLUTELY NOT Hubby has been married before. They didn't have kids. I just found out he's communicating with his ex. And he didn't say anything about it. If you were in my situation what would you do? I'D START SNOOPING INTO HIS EMAIL AND CELL PHONE CHECKING TEXTS ETC, TO SEE IF WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT WAS INAPPROPRIATE Are you going to ask him why? ABSOLUTELY They had a big fight when they broke up and now they seems friends. If you broke up with your ex with a physical fight would you still be friends with him/her? NOPE

IF HE DOESN'T ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO HAVE CONTACT WITH HER , IE THEY HAD KIDS, OR THEY WORK TOGETHER THEN HE SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH HER.
THAT'S MY .02

You didnt say how long you have been married.You didnt say if your hubby was with his x when he met u. My opinion is if he doesnt have kids there is no real reson for them to talk did he contact her or vice versa? Its not so much that he is talking to her, lots of us keep in contact w/ old friends via facebook and things like that by why he felt the need to not tell you is a whole different thing all together. You need to have a non yelling conversation and let him know you were hurt that he wouldnt tell you. Often what we do in secret is gonna turn to trouble. Maybe he just didnt want a fight but was curious how shes doing in life. If he was with her when the 2 of you met Id be cautious b/c if he'd cheat on her hed cheat on you. But it could just be innocent now is the time to talk about whats ok to keep private and whats not and talking to an ex needs to be public info in a marriage. Are you incontact with any of your x boy friends or whatever?

How long were they married? Is the ex still friends with your husband's ex? How long have you guys b een married? I keep somehow in touch with my exfamily we were married for 20 years. Yet I do not talk to my ex that often even thou we have a son. My present husband has nothing to do with his ex cause they did not have kids For reasons to long to mentions my present husband's family dislikes his ex

I would wonder why...however if they don't have kids I'm not sure he needs to talk with her. I do feel a couple needs to communicate to each other about things friends, family, the day, how they feel maybe not in depth everyday but brief and in depth when they have alone time. If you husband and his ex are talking it could be because he's changed and wants to free his soul since he had hurt her at one time I guess maybe seeking forgiveness?? Has be changed since his relationship with her?? Is he doing better as a person and seeking closure maybe?? If those are the reasons I could accept that but only a few communications and then they should both move on and live their lives and if they cross each others path in the community they can be civil to each other and know their was forgiveness and closure, period.

I would say maybe find some alone time and ask those questions. why not just ask why???
Not sure they need to be so called friends and have long talks about anything at this point. I'm married and I've had closure with my ex husbands except one but no need for that one. I am off living my life while I assume they are also I have not contact with them no need we had no children together. Same for my husband with his ex wives, no kids no need.

M. had you said before in another request that he had cheated with someone he met online?? Is he still have issues with adult videos and websites?? Sorry but if he is and this issue is coming up there's alot to talk about and figure out in your relationship. Is he contacting women from those chatrooms also?? You may have left out some other issues that are going on so that you can truly get advise on this situation. It to me sounds like he need to concentrate on his family and he's lost trace of that.

Hi M.,

NO way should there be ANY communication. Women put up with communication with ex-wives because there are children....there shouldn't be any other reason. Now, some men are naive, especially the younger ones, and don't understand this. However, if the situation was reversed, they would get it fairly quickly. Talk to him. If you can't get through to him, let a mother or sister talk to him. When my hubby and I first got married an old "friend" kept calling. I tried gently to tell him it was not appropriate and his sister even talked to him, but it was his "friend." When his "friend" propositioned him, he finally understood that I had a little more perception than he did. We never had that problem again.

I repeat, talk to him. If he didn't say anything about it to you, obviously he knew you wouldn't like it OR it just wasn't right.

God bless~

M.

My hubby talks to his ex's husband more than he does her! And most of the time it's because she is behind on her car payment so he calls to find out what the problem is. Other than that, they don't talk. Now I have to talk with my daughter's father even but I keep it about the child we have together and the needs she has.

You need to sit your hubby down and ask him why he kept it from you, why he is talking to her and then express to him how it makes you feel!

Good luck!
S.

*Let* him?!?! Hmmm, let's see. Unless there was something specific in your marriage vows about promising not to *speak* to his ex-wife, I'd would say you would be WAY over-stepping. Jealousy is toxic to a marriage, and the fastest way to get someone to cheat on you is to accuse them of wrong-doing when they are innocent. He may figure, "I'm getting blamed for cheating anyway, I may as well do it."

He is an adult, treat him as such. If you want to ask him what they talk about, or how she's doing, that's fine, but don't let the green-eyed monster overtake you. It is *not* pretty. Trust him absolutely and take him at his word as long as he proves himself faithful. If it was a bitter divorce, then I think it even may be beneficial that they are on speaking terms. It isn't good for your mental health to hang on to unresolved grievances - maybe if they occationally communicate, they can move on, rather than have a heavy heart, holding on to old grudges or regrets.

And yes, I've been through something similar - recently my husband got back in touch with girl he was engaged to about 20 years ago. They broke up under... very sad circumstances and it was a relief to him to know that she's doing much better, and they chatted about their kids and such. Most of his best friends are female, even his "best man" was a woman, and when her husband died, he flew to the funeral ALONE while I stayed hime with the kids. Likewise, I keep in touch with an old boyfriend and male friends. In fact, my husband frequently reminds me that I haven't gotten in touch with so-and-so in a while.

There was just an article on CNN about a woman whose husband was jealous of her male friend, someone who had been her buddy for 20 years. The husband forbade her to speak to him and she said "Look - he's been my friend looooong before I met you." The husband gave her an ultimatum "Either he goes or I go." So she divorced him. BAM! And that's exactly what I would do, too, so... don't "forbid" him - don't snoop, don't read emails. Just ask him how she's doing and be an adult about it.

Greetings M.,

I see communication between prior lovers as a VERY positive thing. All too many couples break up with unresolved resentments, blame and shame. What is healthy is for two people to remain friends, with forgivness in their hearts. This may be better for you in the long run. Acts of forgivness go a long way and come back full circle (ultimately to you). I understand that I may appear as covert, since he has not willingly shared the info with you, though I trust that when he feels safe in knowing you will accept his choice in choosing this, he may offer the info on his own or upon request.

Healthy communication between ex's does not necessarly mean recindle a past connection, or anything close to that. What ex lovers had was friendship, and its sad that during most breakups this aspect of connection becomes buried and forgotten.

I hope this expands the view some. Go with your intuition and love, not fears or doubts.

If there are no kids there is no reason to communicate. And I would want to know more about the physical fight. Did he get counseling? Has he ever been in a physical fight with you? Good luck.

I don't want to sound harsh b/c it could be perfectly innocent. I hate to say it, though, but looking at some of your other posts, I think you know the answer. Sounds like he is going through something or has been for sometime that may not have anything to do with you. That doesn't mean that it won't cause you pain, though. Not wanting to have sex with you, meeting women online and now chatting with his ex are huge red flags by themselves and you have all 3 of them going on. Start talking to him immeidiately. If it is already too late or if he is unwilling to make your marriage better, start taking notes and call a lawyer. Again, I don't mean to sound harsh, but you need to get to the bottom of this and protect yourself and your child as well.

Well M., he is your husband there is nothing off limits that you should not be able to speak with him about. I don't see any problem in asking him what the communication is about. Based on that it would depend. As they were once married I would assume they still share some sort of respect for each other. Just because your not married doesn't mean you can't be civilized. Just check further into it. If it doesn't feel right with the response you will know.....

I would probably feel a bit insecure in my marriage if this were the case but ---- he is not your child so you cannot allow or disallow him to talk to her or anyone else. You might ask if there's anything he wants to talk about with you regarding the past relationship. I would definitely handle this with kid gloves. V.

I don't know that his having a relationship with his ex is a definite no-no. But, his having a relationship with his ex without telling you about it? Big HUGE no-no! I think you need to get to the bottom of the "why" and I don't think there is a way the two of you can have that conversation without it turning into a fight. I would suggest going to counseling. Again, it's the deception that is the biggest problem.

Uh -- I just read your other posts and I'm back on here to amend what I said just now. If the ONLY problem in your marriage were this, I'd say to go to counseling. I hate to say it but I don't think your husband is going to put forth the effort. Honestly, I hate to say it but I don't think this is sounding like a salvageable marriage... You deserve to be happy. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

If they had no children together, there doesn't seem to be any reason they should be in contact. On the other hand if they broke up in a physical fight, it doesn't seem like a safe situation for you either. Just my little opinion.

M.,

I got married in my early 20's, not realizing I was too young, and we got divorced only 4 years later. We had no kids. Because we have no kids together, we have no reason to talk. And we divorced on good terms. If I was in your situation, it would really bother me, and I would say something to him. It just seems strange for them to all of a sudden be friends when there's no reason. You should let him know that it bothers you and concerns you, and ask him how this came about that they are now friends.

K.

No, No, and No again. If he is talking with her behind your back, sorry, but this is not good! My now ex told me that he wanted to have communication with his ex because they had a child together, etc., and I said okay. Then he said he wanted to help her get a job at the place where he worked. I hesitated, but he had good argument for it, so I said okay. Then he said he was in a prayer group with her at work every day and I said okay. Pretty soon, she had wormed her way back into his life so much, and all with my approval! -- that she was all he talked about. I left. he returned to her. now they are split up yet again. Moral of story: Either he is through with her, or he is not! There is no good reason for him to be seeing her or talking to her, and the fact that he is doing it without telling you before or after the fact, is a sign that she could be trying to get him back now. He wouldn't keep it from you if there was nothing wrong with it. The physical fight is neither here nor there. My ex and his ex had split up with a physical fight, too. I always saw it as passion. There's a fine line between love and hate sometimes. Sit him down now and talk with him and let him know how this makes you feel.

Bottom Line... If there are no children, then there is no reason for them to have contact after the divorce.
What you are feeling is your intuition (your gut) telling you something's not right about this... don't ignore it!

There is no reason for him to communicate with his ex, It would be different if they had children together. I believe in putting things in the past but if they are going out of there way to communicate I may have to check on a few things. Does he know that you know. What kind of communication have they had? How long have you been married?It may be all innocent and things like that can drive you crazy.How old is he? Well hang in there girl and I will pray things are going to get better, Jut

Hello M.,
I think you have every right to be concern and should be placed on notice about the communication. Personnally, I think in order for a person to be "friends" with their ex, it really takes a lot of maturity and respect. And I don't think insecurity has anything to do with it, it is a matter of respect. I would politely ask him, why he didn't inform you of their communication and if he is going to remain in contact with her, you have every right to meet his ex. If the "frienship" is opened and honest, he would oblige, knowing that will be some form of relieft to your curiousity. As women, we can sense alternative motives. If you sense the communication is not healthy for you and your husband's relationship, I would most defintely express my concern. I hope everything works out for the best in your relationship. In remember, do not allow anyone to make you feel insecure. You are his wife.

This is a tough situation. It depends if you have a concern with the fact he is talking to his ex, or the fact that he kept it a secret from you. Before you talk with him think about what you expect from him and try to be realistic. As to answer your question, I would ask him why he was talking to his ex wife. If you are not comfortable with the situation then he should respect that, after all, you are his wife, not her. I would question him on why he felt he needed to keep it a secret, and don't let him try to turn it back around on you.

no way espscially since they dont have any kids