What Would You Do? Husband Speaks to Ex Online for a Yr and Lies About It.

I'd be more upset that he was lying to me than meeting up with an old flame. There has to be a reason he lied. He knows it's wrong and something probably is going on with the other girl.

I think if I were you I would be really upset too!!! Obviously he knew it would upset you or he would have told you in the first place. So I think you have every right to be mad. He should feel real bad for lying to you about it. That is a long time to be talking to her and to meet up with her is wrong no matter how you look at it. What would he do if the shoe were on the other foot? I don't know what I would do to fix it but you are in the right. I hope everything works out for you.

~C.

S.:

You'll be in my prayers.

Every person in different. I know of a lot of marriages are severe damaged because the ex's continuing with some kind of relationship...but I also have to tell you that I have communication with my exhusband and father of my older daughter and it really means nothing to me. We e-mail each other sometimes and I really care about him and belived it or not, about his new wife and children. I always send presents for them and really care for all of them. My exhusband is like a brother for me. I know is hard to belived, but I have no reason for telling you but the truth...

Every person is different, but lying about it is wrong. You will need a lot of strenght and support. Be close to the Lord, your family and friends.

God bless you and may Him guide you during this difficult time.

Eli

I would be more focused on the fact that he lied to you and tried to hide it. If it really is innocent, why not mention it. I have found in life that when people feel the need to lie, they are acknowledging that what they are doing in some way is wrong. If he is lying to you about this...what else is he being dishonest and secretive about? If you feel the need to become the she-spy, then I honestly believe it is time to get out. Trust is essential in any relationship - especially marriage and if you can't trust him then you need to evaluate your situation. Good luck and you will be in my prayers.

Sounds innocent enough, BUT let him know that it's not acceptable. Ask him if he would like it if the tables were turned. Would he like you sneaking behind his back with an old BF? How would it make him feel?

An ex got in touch with me awhile ago, & he still IM's me once in awhile. I let my DH look at it, & I'm open with him. I also let him know the reasons that I broke up with the guy! haha

Good luck!

I would be very leary of the situation. My husband is one to lie by omission (he doesn't consider it lying if he just doesn't mention a detail or two) and we have had our issues.

Even if it has been "innocent" thus far, your husband may be sucked into something he thought would never happen. When my husband and I were engaged, one of his female co-workers (married) seemed too attentive to his needs and I would talk to him about my concerns. He defended her and acted like I was crazy. I just started calling her "his girlfriend" to keep my concerns out there as a reminder for him to be careful.

At our wedding, after we left in our horse-drawn carriage, she mentioned to several of my friends how disappointed she was that he got married before she could leave her husband....

He still defends her, but as far as I know is not in contact with her. She moved a couple of times and so have we.

The point is, what may be innocent for him, right now, may not be innocent for her at all. That means trouble!!

I am sorry but I think your husband has no respect for you. Being untrue is like being unfaithful in itself. Hope things get better.
~belle

Another voice,
I had a very friendly relationship with my ex husband until the day he died. We both understood that we really cared about one another but our lifestyles were totally incompatible and we were better off apart. However, we did keep in touch as friends. We took our new mates to dinner together with us and didn't hide anything from anyone. My current husband also had an ex wife that they fought over everything and divorced with a very bitter dispute over stuff. When I found out he had gone over to visit several times without telling me, I felt hurt. I asked him to feel free to communicate with her (no kids or pets involved) just don't hide it. They did not separate as friends and the only reason I could see was her jealousy of me for the sudden understanding.
I think the key here is good communication with your spouse and letting them know how you feel without accusing. When we begin accusing our partners, they withhold information for fear of a fight. My husband and I still struggle with his difficulties with communication, however we have made it over 20 years now so I guess we are working it out.
K.

I was newly married and pregnate and found some emails that were quite personal in nature. They were talking in a way that they should not have. Thinks like "I am with someone but I dont know if it is going to work because I still love you."

I said nothing for a while and kept reading his emails until one day I had enough.

I told him flat out that he had to choose! He could stay married to me or be her friend - HE CANT HAVE BOTH!! He felt I was being unfair because they were close for 5 years. I told him I gave up a 10 year friendship with an ex. when he got married. Because you dont stay friends with ex's when you are married...it leaves room for doubt and causes nothing but problems. I was not going to start my life with him in doubt...preg or not.

I would NOT tollerate a friendship with any person who he had sex with especially one who he was engaged to.

Needless to say...he chose me. If he fights you on this and is hiding things from you. There is something going on. Dont except this...It is either YOU or HER ...not both.

First, I want to say that I'm very sorry that you are having to deal with this.

If this had happened to me, I would be very pissed and would expect a lot from my husband to make up for lying like that. I would first expect him to tell me about every meeting (i.e., what he told you he was doing INSTEAD of meeting this woman, where they met, why they met, etc.). I would expect him to let me read every email between them that he still has. Most of all, I would demand that he let his ex know he cannot speak to her, email her or see her anymore. This is not so much because I think they were doing something, but since he was dishonest about it, there is no way I could ever trust him with this woman, even if it was strictly platonic. If he had told me the truth from the beginning, that would be different. Lying has consequences and that would be the consequence for this situation.

Now every man is different and every marriage is different. I know my husband would go along with these terms if something like this came up for us, but your dynamic may be different.

My husband happens to be home sick today so I asked him what he thought. He said that based on what you've said it sounds innocent, but your husband still should have been up front about it from the beginning. Since he wasn't, however, if he wants to prove to you it was nothing, he should expect that he will have to cut all ties from this woman now.

If he puts up a fuss, he's not respecting your marriage as much as he should be. Lying is a HUGE deal, no matter what it's about, but especially when it's about meeting and communicating with someone like an ex. Just imagine what Dr. Phil would say to your husband!!

Good luck!

"Seek first for understanding, then seek to be understood".

I would be sooo pissed, especially that he had met with her and lied about it.

I have spoken to one of my ex's (from about 6 years ago) on myspace as well just a couple of times, but he lives in a different state, and my hubby knew about it, and I didn't hide it from him. I wouldn't meet in person or anything either.

Even though there may not be anything serious going on, I still would make a big deal out of it b/c it would be a form of emotional ceating. (I asked my husband and this is all what he said.) And it's been an entire year!

On the other hand, if I had known up front my hubby was going to see an ex girlfriend to catch up, I would probably go to, since it's just a friendly reunion, and not think anything of it.

It also depends on how serious they were, was it just a small little high school fling and they were mostly friends, or were they very serious in a commited relationship?

Personally, I would feel very uncomfortable myself, if I had met up on friendly terms with an ex... I would feel like I was hiding something, or scared that I may resurface old feelings, so I would never personally go there.

Think of it this way, what if you found out he had been speaking to a woman that wasn't his ex for year and hiding it... how would that make you feel?

I would drag my hubby's butt to marraige counseling, because a marraige is a sacred and open thing, if it was "no big deal to him", than he should not have felt the need to be sneaky about it...

Well first get both sides of the story. But if you don't trust him it is for a reason. I have been in your place but' I caught him with her. I would have rather just got away from him, for the simple fact that it made everything worst cause there was no trust. Also cause my children were seeing everything. You may think that they don't know but they do. My kids seem very unhappy when all this was happening. Well good luck with your husband.

I would be a little curious as to why they are suddenly speaking, especially if they do not have children together and it has been awhile since they were married, but at the same time, you should try to give your husband the benefit of the doubt. They probably still care for each other, at least enough to want to know how things are going with their new lives. If he lies about it again, though, I would make it very clear to your husband that he is losing your trust a little bit and then dig a little deeper into their current contact with each other.

Just one additional note, spouses must respect each others strong feelings about what is comfortable for them, whether they agree or not. My husband does not like me to have lunch alone with male coworkers. I see it as harmless. However, even tho I don't agree, I do what is comfortable for him out of respect and love. And that is what your husband needs to do too for you.

I would not tolerate it all all. I would not trust him either. Years of my life I thought men and women can be friends and loved my relationships with men while I was single for years. But I now realize that anyone we spend time with or put our focus on is a red light. I was in Amway for years and read many books on self improvement. I learned that we have to value who we are. If we spend time with others, we are not putting all our energy into one relationship. I would be hurt as well. He would have to really try to win me back. Prove he values me. It is the same ole thing about do unto others as you would want done to you. When we spend any minute talking or being with someone else we are not placing value on the person we are suppose to be in love with. We were taught that even when we meet with someone to talk business to have the spouse with us. We never meet a woman alone. He got caught and what happened is someone got hurt. He took that chance yet did it. The fact he did not tell you because he knew it was wrong. It is deceitful and hurtful and disrespect. Anyone who hangs on to the past is not willing to move on. My ex boyfriend called me once in awhile over 20 years. He was married and I refused to have anything to do with him. Then he told me the marriage was on the rocks. I told him do something like make her happy. I had a boyfriend and leave me alone. Over years he finally divorced her but now I found she had no idea the marriage was on the rocks and we were starting to talk more and more. Later they were divorced and he came for me. We married and after 11 years I found he was cheating on me for years. He married 2 months after my divorce and wanted out after 4 mos. You can not tell me that when they chat they are not also a flirting that may stir some old feelings. Beware. Your guard needs to be up. I would have to insist he break it off now. Good luck to you. If my husband had put all that energy into our marriage we would still be married. I now think back he could not face the people at the Amway conventions any more and made me go alone. It was because they care about family and their wives. They are there to learn how to love each other and follow the Bible. When they build their businesses they give to the wife and she is able to stay home and raise the children with values. When we spend time with our children they feel valued too. So love yourself and do not let him treat you like dirt as he just did. My ex cheated on his wife after me chatting with 15 more women while married to her. Four months into that marriage if you can call it that and he wanted out. Well her langage alone told me she was trash. She divorced her hubby for my ex and got what she deserved. I am sure he gave her the unhappy song and dance too. I can tell you I had a huge home and when he was away on business trips I mowed the yard every other day. I waxed his car. Cleaned the garage, washed windows and kept up all the home stuff like pay bills and run errands. I had a lot of feedom but I loved my home and life. Just know now I want it again but I will have to work for the next maybe forever to have it. No more men in my life either. Because he spoiled me I just can not have feelings again. He was me second husband and I am not doing it again. Both cheated on me. Both married those people they cheated with. G. W

I would say become his ex's best friend. There is a saying that goes "Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer." and it is very true. Nothing is creepier to a guy than you becoming friends with his ex. I know that it may be hard to deal with these things so sometimes it may work well to take a different approach to the situation. You have 2 children with this man and have been married to him for 7 years so I am sure it hurts but be strong and don't let someone put a wedge between you and what is yours. I will be praying for you! Never give up, you will get through this. Don't let anger get the best of you.

Any man knows that is slightly inappropriate or he wouldn't have lied to you. I know you are probably extrememly hurt and you are also trying to be a good mommy through all of this as well. I would be very specific with him about your expectations for him and his actions in the future. I believe in therapy and getting help, especially if there are children. However, if her does this again, I personally wouldn't put up with it more than once. You teach others how to treat you. Remember, just be specific with him about your expectations and I don't know your marriage, but almost all of us need alone time, more communication, maybe some counceling after loss of trust also. He might play like he is innocent, but he know he was wrong this whole time or remember, he wouldn't have lied to you.
J.

I would be pissed, pretty much like everyone else is saying.
I would want to know if she meant nothing to him then why did he lie about it and why is he meeting her for lunch? I would also want to know whether she was married or had a boyfriend.
My ex and I are friends but that is because we have a son together. I have gotten how are you doing messages on myspace but other than that I don't see any reason to meet an ex anywhere if you are married.
I don't know what kind of relationship you and your husband have so I can't really say much. Those are just the questions that I would be asking. I don't want to sound harsh but if that was me I would never assume it was innocent.
I hope everything works out and i hope nothing comes of it.
I do agree with some of the other women when they said that they would like to be there anytime they were around but I also think that would be a hard thing to do.

Something similar happened to a friend and I walked closely with her through it. This is a red flag. I think you should get a good marriage counselor, and start focusing some effort on your marriage. I know it's hard with the kids, but your marriage is first priority. The fact is that his lying is entirely his fault, but the reasons he wanted to chat with another woman for this long go deeper. Chances are pretty good that after 7 years and two kids, you are both dealing with some unmet needs.
First plan of action is a weekly date night. Get out of the house and talk. Don't yell at him for lying, just find out what's going on in each other's lives. Yes, let him know you're hurt, but that you still love him enough to work things out. On the flip side, he needs to be comfortable with you not trusting him for a while, and giving you free access to check cell phone and email logs.

And don't be alarmed if you're not overcome with feelings of romantic love for each other right away. Marriage isn't built solely on romantic love -- that is a flash in the pan. It's about a long and deep relationship with another person that challenges you and grows you. This is a turning point for both of you personally and for your marriage. You can choose to learn and grow, or not. The truth is that if either of you can't find satisfaction in your marriage, you're not going to find it elsewhere. If "being happy" was the point of marriage, I'd have to find a new marriage every couple years.

As far as my friend's marriage -- they are stronger than they were before and have a really solid relationship. It was worth the effort!

You have received loads of great advice. It is also important to understand and remember that you are dealing with a man...men are not as "open" nor do they communicate as well as women. Yes, there are exceptions,but generally,most men are duds. In all honesty, he is probably innocent and because he didnt feel he was doing anything wrong,he felt it was better not to tell you. He was not intending to be "sneaky" but rather to avoid making you feel uncomfortable or threatened. Men assume women blow things out of proportion. So they would rather avoid than confront.
I am not saying that what he has done is OK. I am saying that instead of approaching the situation like a woman, to approach it as a man. Pretend it was your 15 yr old son(think ahead) who asked you to go to a game or movie with his friend,Billy. Later,by reading his email, you discover that he actually hung out with a young girl at the park,holding hands,and maybe even a kiss. You would be angry at him for lying. Other than the lie itself,he didnt actually do anything wrong other than betray you. But he was afraid to tell you for fear that you would not allow it. So what do you do? Tell him that because he lied,he is grounded and can no longer speak to the girl? Or do you tell him that you are extremely disappointed but that you trust you raised a son who can make confident choices,therefore,if h just be honest with you,he is welcome to spend time with his first girlfriend? I would bet you will get better results with the latter. The first will only cause him to rebel and be even more sneaky.
My advice is for you to tell your husband that you believe in him as a person,you are confident that he would not do anything to hurt you,you trust him,and that you understand why he withheld this information from you. Tell him that if it means that much to him to keep in contact with his "ex",that he may do so as long as he is honest with you about it. Tell him to invite her over for dinner or to join you when you go out together.
Berrating him or forbidding him to speak to her will only make him think "this is exactly why I didnt tell her in the 1st place" and may cause him to be even more sneaky. The mischeviety of it all,may make him even take the friendship to the next level as people tend to be attracted to the "forbidden".
However,making her an accepted party may make him lose interest in her all together.
Now, if you use this method can I guaranty that your husband will stay faithful? No. But regardless of what method you use, your husband will cheat if he wants to. You cannot force him not to. And if he does and you catch him, well then throw him to curb because who needs a cheater??? But before this happens,give him the benefit of the doubt and let him know you trust him(even if you don't) because men react better to positive reinforcement.
Even Dr Phil says so. :)
Good luck!!