Estranged from My Father

Well, I think it is huge that he has apologized to you and is reaching out. Maybe meet with him once and keep things polite but distant. Let him meet his grandkid.You don't have to ever start a real relationship with him again if you do not want to. How can you feel like you can ever trust him again? His mistakes were pretty bad.

Is this going to be another 45 minute train ride for you and the little one? If so, pass.

Perhaps if he wants to see his daughter and granddaughter, he could give up his parking space. As well, while he is on an emotional kick, he should probably at least shake the hand of the man who gave him a grandchild.

"Father" can look like a lot if different things.
Sure, you're hurt. I understand that.
Now that you're a parent yourself, you know that nothing "magical" happens upon becoming O.. Parents are just people. People make choices. Some good, some bad. Some they regret, some they don't.
Sounds like your dad is regretting some of his and reaching out to try to make amends.
Maybe now that you're older you can have more of an adult/adult relationship than a parent/child relationship?
Really, only you can make this decision.
Good luck!

Your story hits home...it feels so familiar that we might just have the same dad.(jk) And to boot...my name is M. W. Wow!! My father also started our relationship back up on fb. It pissed me off at first, fb, really??!!?? But then I realized it was such an informal and non committed way to contact each other..I actually preferred it. Then things evolved to texts, then phone conversations then gettting together to then him seeing my family.

I understand not wanting to even bring this into your life. I was also doing fine without my dad. I was an adult, married a wonderful man and had a full life. Personally...I needed to start having contact little by little so that I could move on,heal and forgive my father. I really didn't want to start having contact because it was soooo much easier emotionally not to face it. But..this was something I had to do to heal my heart. I needed to forgive...and let go of the pain and sadness stuffed deep down in my heart.

It has been quite a few years now and our contacts are getting bettter. I had to tell myself upfront not to put so much emotion into this relationship anymore. I don't tell my dad too much about my life but keep it pretty surfacey. I try to let HIM take the lead and make the contacts...then I respond. I want HIM to make the effort.

He just came by this past Tuesday to our home for lunch. I made a yummy lunch and he sat around the table with me and our three kids. We laughed and he engaged in very thoughtful conversation with my kids. It was nice. Then he left and texted me a sincere message and asked to do it again...next month. So we will do it again. He even texted my husband a thoughtful note.

You are not a horrible daughter to want to distance yourself from a man that has hurt you many times...yet was supposed to protect and love you. Not horrible at all. I just know, in my heart, the pain,rejection,anger,resentment and sadness I felt over my past with my dad. I needed to get past that. I prayed to know how to heal and move past these feelings. I prayed a lot and continue to to pray to keep those feelings at bay and deal with my dad and the man he is TODAY.

Something that really has helped me to heal this relationship is to look at my father as a broken and imperfect MAN....not my daddy. An equal to me. I always wanted the superman type dad that so many of my friends have...you know what I am talking about.

Once I could see him as an equal to me then I could see him simply as a person struggling through life and made horrible choices...that hurt so many people. It has really helped me to have this perspective. But, when I start wanting him to be that daddy to me then that is when the anger rises in my heart and the "How could you's?" Why did you's" come out and I rehash the past. I have to not look back..but move forward and start an entirely new relationship.

I also learned that no matter how sincere I thought(or still think) his comments or apologies are, that I need to accept them. He will never do things or say things the way I want him to or be what I want him to be...I just need to accept what he can give.

I am sorry you are going through this. I am sorry there are soooo many crappy daddys that failed their children. I hope you can find peace in your heart and move forward...no matter the path you choose to resolve this. Sending you hugs..this is such a hard road to travel...I know.

You are ok if you don't want to see your Dad. There I gave you permission.
Now you have to determine within yourself that it's the best solution. Then calm down. Guilt and fear are never good reasons to see someone. Usually does not turn out well. At least wait till you have absolutely no left over feeling about this. He doesn't get the power to say jump and you have to turn your world upside down to get to him.

Boundaries are for your emotional health. They are not there to punish him, they make you safe. So quit feeling guilty. You are making a wise, healthy choice to not see him right now.

If you never speak to your father again, that's ok. You are not a horrible daughter, he was a horrible father.

You will keep changing as you get older, so it's possible you might want to see him again sometime in the future. Therefore, to keep the door open, I think you should respond to him, but you should be truthful.

You should tell him something like, "Thank you for the apology dad (or whatever you call him), but you really hurt me . You were not there for me when I needed you most, and I am still hurt and not open to a relationship right now." You can say as little as this, or more if you want to. If his apology was sincere, then he should be mature enough to see that he is facing the consequences of his actions, and be open to a relationship in the future, if and when you are ready.

Do what works for you.

Reading below -- some good stories to ponder. Also, the idea to meet with him at a neutral location is something to consider. I can say that as you get older, it does seem to become easier to just seem them as flawed people and forgive, and you probably won't want to be in the position of being older, and more forgiving, but by that time it's too late. Is he young-ish and in good health? If not, take that into consideration.

I guess one way to know if he's changed is simply this: is he willing to meet you somewhere? I would suggest that if you do decide to meet, do it someplace neutral like a restaurant. Go with very, very low expectations if you do decide to go.

He's hurt you, and it's obvious to see why. He treated you like you weren't worth losing a parking space for. That he couldn't even get on a train himself to see you. I understand how mean and hurtful that feels. He refused to let you be an independent person and I'm sure there was a lot of heartache about this during your engagement and wedding when those should have been very happy times for you. I understand you're hurt and angry.

There's a great saying "forgiveness: giving up the hope for a better past". My guess (and I could be wrong) is that the incidents you described weren't the only ways in which you felt 'less than' or rejected by your father. You may need a lot of time before you make a decision to see him, if at all. Maybe, when you have the emotional space, you'll want to go talk to a counselor about this and get some support in whatever decision you make. Maybe this is just too much right now and you can just send your father a message "I'm really not ready for this right now." (Because I have been in this situation; my father and I did go to counseling together, which really helped both of us.) Most importantly, and I hate to say this in regard to one's parents, having NO expectations is liberating and helps us to feel less hurt. In other words, if and when you do decide to see him, put NO eggs in that basket emotionally, no hopes. Nothing.

What a hard space to be in. You have my empathy. Accepting a selfish parent who has flaws is a lot of work and a lot of letting go. Do it if and when you are ready.

For now I'd say do what is comfortable for you. You tried and tried to be keep the connection with him it seems and he just failed you. And I say find it in your heart to forgive but definitely don't give him that easy ticket back in just because he's "wants" to see you all now. Why didn't he consider what you wanted and needed from him??

I was estranged from my dad for 22years. And it's hard to let them back in your life just like that, it's almost like you just don't know them anymore. Well for me that was the case. My dad apologized, cried with me and time passed and slowly through phone calls we have rekindled what we could of the relationship. I did it mostly for my son. I want him to know his grandpa you know..

I'd say do what your heart tell you to do. I'm sure you love your father and you really went out of your way to be close to him I could understand where resentment would set in but as I said with time I'm sure you can come to terms with him. Somehow.

Definitely though, he comes to you. Unless he physically is unable to get to you...but really, it's on your terms now. And good that you haven't messaged him back. If you really don't have anything to say now it's best that you think things through and then make the connection if you choose. And if and when you respond be sure you mention the fear you have, and that he has to understand that you are in a different place now and even now more importantly is your daughter. He will have to be extra attentive and available for you two, if it really means that much to him now. IF you do speak with him again make sure you hear that he assures you he will be there as a dad and grandparent.

It seems to me like your father is dealing with some kind of mental illness. They come in many varieties and severities. Some, like bi-polar disorder are intermitten and the person will have periods of "normality" and periods of paranoia, anxiety, depression, manic episodes, etc. Having lived in Queens I understand the desire to not lose a parking space - to a degree - clearly not the degree you dad had. But if your dad has a mental illness the anxiety of losing the parking space can be overwhelming. It's not normal clearly - but it can be a reality to him.

I am not suggesting that your emotions about your dad are invalid. Clearly his responses to you over the year have not been normal and have been hurtful. But if you understand that they are coming from a man with a diseased brain it will help you to NOT take it personally. He was not making a rational decision against you. He was making bad decisions based on a sick mind.

You are entitled to response however you want. You need to be healthy emotionally in order to be a good mom. You are not obligated to go out of your way to develop a relationship with him. I would suggest, however, that instead of holding on to a bitterness towards him that you forgive him (that is NOT to say that he wasn't wrong - he was) and allow yourself to heal. We tend to have this wrong thinking about forgiveness - that by forgiving someone that somehow we "let them off the hook" or that we can't forget what they've done to hurt us, etc. In reality we become more healthy by extending grace (undeserved merit) towards a person that hurt us - and moving on. Our minds will never allow us to truly forget - but we can put it behind us.

I don't think it's a bad idea if you happen to see him at a family gathering - there would be a buffer of other people around to cushion any anxiety or awkwardness. But, no, you do not need to have him in your life if you don't want to.

My story with my dad is that he left our family and moved across the coutnry with his much younger new wife, adopted her children and had another with her. He never paid child support. My mom was vision impaired (since childhood) and was in the midst of needing spinal surgery at the time he left. We were on welfare & food stamps for a few years while my mom got job training and ended up as a nurses aid working midnights for the next 20+ years. We saw my dad once during that 20 year period. Almost 20 years later he came back to the east coast to visit and I refused to let him off without an explanation. So the night he arrived I picked him up at JFK airport and sat him down on my couch and asked him "what were you thinking? How could you leave 5 kids and your wife? Didn't you miss us or feel bad or anything? He broke down in tears and expressed great remorse. He had suffered a mental breakdown and spent time in a psych facility. He had tremendous regrets over what he had done and how he left his kids. I did forgive him. He told me how much he loved me and how much he loved his kids and how foolish he had been. We managed a small relationship - but I had explained that our mom had earned our respect and time and he could have a relationship with me but it would never be all that close due to all the lost time and pain. I went through many failed relationships and chose damaged guys as mates as a result of his decisions. But - God is good and He has restored the years the locust destroyed.

My dad died only a few years after that conversation I had with him. I was glad that I had had that discussion and knew that he loved me and had suffered anguish and pain as a result of his poor decisions. I was able to deal with his death without regrets about my actions - only about the lost time and what could have been - but none of the regrets were about anything I could have done differently.

My FIL was physically abusive to my husband - and it took a long time for my husband to get past that pain. But my FIL was a much better grandfather than father and my children were blessed to have a grandfather in their life who adored them. They never saw his flaws, only his positive characteristics - which was a blessing for them (&him). My husband was also able to bury his father without regrets.

Personally I think you'll be healthier emotionally if you can find it in your heart to see him as a really flawed person - probably with a mental illness, forgive him and move on. He may make a wonderful grandfather and that would be a good thing for you child to have another person in her life who loves her. But you are under no obligation to have him in your life. None. Only you know what you have the capacity to handle. If not now, maybe in the future.

Good luck mama - this is some of the tough stuff of life. My prayers are with you for wisdom and discernment.

Here's a hug sweetie because it stinks you got a bad dad. I did too. and I tried for a while but it wasn't worth the effort i put into it. I still once a year make an effort and sometimes it's reciprocated and sometimes not and i am at a point where i don't expect anything so I reach out for myself not for him. and when i don't feel like it i don't.

Being almost 40 and with kids that will be in middle school soon, I do have one piece of advice.

It is a bit easier if you have a young child that is constantly mastering new things. It gives you stuff to talk about, and it also provides a bit of an excuse for cutting things short, oh the baby needs a nap.

once your kids start growing up and are off doing their own things if find it a lot harder to put forth the enormous effort to reach out to my dad.

So if you think there is ever going to be a point where you do want to have him be a part of your life, now might be the time to start building that bridge because in my experience it is harder as you go along.

If you are prefectly find without your dad and will be forever than there is no reason to meet him, just keepit to fB until that doesn't work any more. And protect you and yours.

I will say my hubs had a really hard time because he didn't want my kids to be hurt. They have asked questions sometimes like why don't we see him more, but they don't care that much if that makes sense, they have enough other people that they see all the time and that love them very much and show it,So in my opinon they haven't felt rejected by him, but that might be somethign to consider.

most people don't cut their kids out of their lives for no reason though so you need consider how toxic your dad is. Drugs, mental health??? those might be deal breakers, where as the adultry i dealt with wasn't going to harm my kids.

good luck with what ever you decide. this can be a decision that you make over the course of time, you don't need to decide forever this week.

It seems like he owes you an explanation and a huge apology. And you have a right to say, "It's going to take me a long time to accept and get over this. You can see me and meet my daughter, but it's been hard to have you out of my life. I'm not ready to give you an easy, made-for-TV reunion here."

I'd also advise you think long and hard about completely cutting him out of your life. If you look way down the road, to the day when you probably outlive him, you may wish you'd at least made some kind of contact possible. You don't have to make everything hunky dory, just to salvage his ego, but if you completely refuse contact, there are a lot of issues, and ultimately your daughter will ask you a lot of questions -- for her sake, it might be better not to make them so unanswerable.

I say some of that because I have been estranged from my own father for 20+ years. The situation was somewhat different -- after he and my stepmom had my half-sisters, he decided he wanted nothing to do with the children from his first marriage and he actively pushed my brother and me out of his life. Total estrangement has been the right course of action for us, but it's a big decision, and it definitely has consequences. Right now, my brother and I are both having to explain to our own kids why they're each short a grandpa. So, I feel weird saying this, because estrangement has been the right course of action for me, but please think long and hard about it. I'm not saying don't do it, but please think long and hard first.

The first step is the hardest. So seeing him for the first time in 8 years will be really hard. It sounds like you still have a lot of unanswered questions. Go and get them. And don't let him off the hook. No one is asking you to forgive and forget the day you meet him. Go get some answers and (if he is willing to) rebuild your relationship. If you don't don this, you might be sorry.

I've found that children are often the catalyst in bringing people together. So plan a visit, let him meet your daughter. Her being there will take away a lot of the uncomfortable feelings you'll have. It will be work but will very likely be worth it. Don't let this go and then regret it later.

Your feelings are completely valid, and your fears are justified.

I think you're going to need to give yourself some time to really give this some thought. I know you're hurt. Who wouldn't be? Do you want to have a relationship with your father? Do you want your daughter to know her grandfather. It's ok for the answer to those question to be "no," but I think you want to give yourself the chance to be sure.

You say you're not sure his apology was sincere. Well, if he wasn't sincere, what would be his motivation? What does he have to gain by apologizing? I think you need to consider those questions. Why would he take the time to talk to you if he didn't want to have a relationship with you?

You cannot change the past. He cannot undo the hurt. But you probably do need him to earn back your trust.

I encourage you to give some time and thought to these questions. I do think if you are too quick to dismiss him, you might regret making a hasty decision.

Good luck with your decision. I'm sure it isn't an easy one.

As human beings we thrive on being cared for and loved. As a child, we seek these connections with our parents. In your case, your father was unavailable. It does not matter if he was physically there. The fact that he let you take the train to save his precious parking spot. The fact that he refused to walk you down the aisle. All that makes him an unavailable father.

Now, unless you can detach yourself from the expectations of father of the year and treat your meeting like an encounter with a friend or even an acquaintance. Then maybe you shouldn't meet. Even if his apology is sincere. He has done enough damage to make you question his sincerity.

Honestly, I can not fault you from severing ties. Do not feel bad about that. You are probably one of the lucky ones. Children who tend to chase after unavailable fathers tend to chase unavailable men. It seems like you have broken the cycle.

I know of only one man that never made a mistake. I celebrate His birthday around Christmas every year.

He has acknowledged he made a mistake. Maybe he will be different this time. If he has changed he will bring another good to your life and the life of your child.

If he hasn't changed and he acts like he used to you can always kick him out of your life. But you can't find out if you don't give him and you a chance.

I'm amazed at all the unforgiving and vengeful attitudes here. Its really sad.

Good luck to you and yours.

Need more info....he is reaching out. Why won't you give it a chance??

I think you have to ask yourself, if your father were to die tomorrow or next week or year would you regret not seeing him. I can understand why you would not want to see him again but I really would hate to see you beating yourself up and feeling like a "horrible daughter" if he were to pass.
If you choose to see him again you may find he is still the same crappy dad as before or maybe he has changed and you guys can move on which would be a great thing for you. Personally, I think I would have to know one way or the other. Best of luck.

My kids have an tumultuous relationship with their father. So I will tell you what I told them. When he pushes you away that is on him but when he reaches out, that is on you. You cannot blame him for the aspects of the relationship you control. Consider what you can live with.

See my kids are smart enough to realize that on their own. They may say he pushed them away first but in their hearts and minds they know they would be the one continuing the divide. So the relationship continues. It is as healthy as the relationship can be considering the players.

So, your choice, but you are the one pushing him away so you can't blame him for the condition of your relationship going forward.

I have almost the exact same story as yours, and it's been 12 years since I have even spoken to my father. He got upset with me when I got engaged to my husband, and I had no idea what it was over or what I had done. In my gut I knew he was fabricating some issue with me to get out of having to pay anything for the wedding (when I never asked him to). When he didn't show up to my wedding, that was the final straw.
My father has made no wish to see me or my children since. And honestly, I don't know if I want him in their lives at all. I'm not angry with him anymore and, while I was hurt for a while, I just feel nothing for him at all anymore.
I fear that if he did come around and attempt to build a relationship with my kids and I that he may get mad again for unknown reasons and just disappear from their lives, too. So, I completely understand why are you are torn.
If I were in your shoes, I would probably agree to meet with him alone, and I would leave my kids out of it. He would have to make the effort though to meet- make the arrangements and come to me, in other words. Make it a neutral place, like a restaurant and keep the encounter brief. Then go from there. If you still feel strongly about not seeing him again, don't. But at least it will be off your chest.

A lot of people get more agoroohobic as they get older. It's really really really common for it to get worse as we age.

An older person gets worried something will happen to them while they're away and their docs won't be around, the docs become an anchor for them. They feel like if their own docs don't take care of them that a different one might miss something important and they'll die or become really really ill.

They don't even recognize this about themselves and will deny it totally if it's brought to their attention. They don't want to admit they are getting closer to the end of their lives. Let's face it, if we see something that makes us realize we're aging we fight it like crazy!

They also don't like to get too far away from home, some become more and more reclusive. They start finding that traffic is too much for them but they just can't admit it to themselves so they won't drive more than a mile or two from their home. I am only 54 but OKC highway traffic scares the poop out of me. I grew up driving in it and never had any problems with it. I am totally white knuckled and riding with my eyes closed it we get caught in heavy traffic so I can totally empathize with older folks.

So I'd give your dad a break about the traveling or coming to get you. It could just be part of his aging process. If he wants to make amends let him but make sure it's on your terms to some extent. Like........letting him visit but not spend the night. Going to see him but having other plans so you can leave when you are tired of the visit.

You don't have to have a relationship with him at all, but when he's dead and gone how will you feel about how you treated him? Even if he was a mean SOB, how would you feel about how YOU treated him, peaceful? content? like maybe you should have been the bigger person? maybe you should have made a better effort? like you did everything you felt you should do and that you did a great job trying?

we all make mistakes. its a matter if you choose to forgive and forget, regardless of how hurt your father made you. You have to ask yourself if having your father in your life again is a benefit to you and your daughter. Will he come and go again, causing pain with you and his granddaughter? Will he actually stay put and create a new beginning with you? Personally, he has a history of coming in and out, creating grief and heart ache all over. Now that you have your own family and a wonderful father in law, i say build on that. Your family is priority now. You are a grown woman with a husband and a child.

Don't feel bad about not wanting a relationship with your father. A true father would of never left. Keep positive and loving people in your life, not ones that will drain your emotions or cause you heart ache. You have a beautiful daughter and a loving husband to keep your life fulfilled. Embrace that 100%

its OK if u don't want to see your father he wsnt there for u so why should u see him. i have the same kind of conflict its best to go with your instincts.

I would meet with him. He made bad choices, but should you make bad choices?

I cannot speak from experience regarding my father, but I was divorced many years ago and just recently had lunch with my ex-inlaws, so I know how hard it is to see people that have caused you pain in your past. Yes, he has hurt you terribly, but the BEST form of revenge is success--your success. You have a family and a baby. You moved on and built a life. You should be very proud of all you have accomplished minus your father. I think you should meet with him. Make him see that his past decisions were a blessing in disguise for you and yours. He may be deeply regretting what he did as well he should. Look at it this way, if something terrible should happen to him, you will have piece of mind knowing that you met with him. You will not harbor any regrets as this will bring you some closure to this situation.

I know that dealing with the anxiety is hard and finding forgiveness isn't easy either. But, remember that you are a strong successful woman who can do this. You have the love and support of your husband and family to go home to after you see your father.

Warmest regards:)

Of course it's okay if you never see or speak to him again. You are clearly hurt by what happened and you are justified in not trusting him.

If it were me, rather than seeing him after all these years, I would begin with a phone call. Tell him you aren't ready for a visit. Ask him for his phone number and block yours when you call. Let him know if he wants any type of relationship with you, he will respect your boundaries and see where it goes.

Having a conversation with him will give you more clarity.

Life is too short.
Suck it up. Go see him or invite him to meet you for lunch somewhere.

He made a mistake. Unless he abused you I would give him a chance to know his grand baby. A child can never have too many people that love them. Ask him to come to you or meet you someplace so he can meet his grand child and you two can talk. Let him know he hurt you but be open to forgiveness. Don't expect him to have some great explanation for why he was not there for you, there will be nothing he can say that will make it right, so just decide to let it go and give him a chance. If it does not work out at least you can know you tired and your child will know you tired and did not just keep her away from her grandfather because of your hurt feelings. JMO.

Also ask your self, are you perfect? Do you make mistakes? If you make a mistake with your daughter will you hope she can forgive you or will you be okay with her cutting you out of her life and you never meeting your own grandchildren?

I'm not going to read all the responses, so I apologize if I repeat but I think you will regret it if you don't see him. I have a similar relationship with my grandfather, we haven't had a big falling out over a single thing, just repeated disrespect from him to my family, my grandmother, and my father. In the last few years he has started calling on occasion (He lives out of the country about half the year, I rarely know if he's here) wanting to come visit me and my son (he's 2, he's seen him twice I think). I always say yes, and know that when something inevitably happens to him in the future I will not have any regret or guilt that I could have or should have done more to have a relationship with him. Good luck, whatever you choice will probably have ramifications to deal with.

The best predictor of a person's future behavior is their past behavior. However, is this the first time he's ever apologized for anything? I would wonder what's changed in his life that's made him change enough to apologize and want to make amends.

I would also say that one visit, without your daughter, to test the water with your toe couldn't hurt. You might better be able to gauge his sincerity in person... but even if he's not as sincere as you'd like, you can still accept the apology.

I would also say that you can also try to forgive him not for his sake, but for yours. And forgiveness does NOT mean that you have to let him back into your life on a full time basis. You can still control how much access he has to you and your family.