I Need Advice from Others Who Have Been in a Controling Relationship

Hi Sunshine,

I'm going to tackle this question from a slightly different point of view.

While I was growing up, my mom was married to a control freak. She had to account for EVERY MINUTE she was not with my step-dad, ask permission to do everything, etc., etc. If she couldn't/didn't do this, a huge fight would ensue and he'd "punish" my mom by not speaking to her, treating my sister and I worse than he usually did and generally thrash on her self esteem.

Fast forward 10 and years and I married my husband. I asked permission to do everything, accounted for every minute I was gone and it took HOURS to tell my husband everything, right down to conversation details with other people. Why? Because I thought this was normal and if I didn't do this, I would be treated poorly, he would leave me or stop talking to me. My husband, bless him, finally told me that he trusted me and, for a while, refused to listen to more than "I went shopping and had lunch with a friend." I wasn't even allowed to disclose the gender of who I was out with! It took me a while but I finally got over the need to account for my every moment. We do so now, not because we HAVE to, but because we want to hear the cool things the other has done.

Of course, with two kids, we share our schedules to make sure the kids and their activities are covered, but everything else is a courtesy request, "Hey! Do you mind if I have lunch with so-and-so on Saturday? The family schedule looks free." If there's no reason to say no, the answer, by default, is yes. It works both ways, of course.

So, I told you all that to ask you this: do you want Jayson growing up with this model? Do you want Jayson to treat his girlfriend/wife this way? If the answer is no, than it's time for change. I would start with a series of heart-to-heart conversations. What is his real concern? Is it money? That you're cheating on him? That he's afraid something bad will happen to you? If you can isolate the root cause (hard to do, but possible), then the two of you can address it with reasonable solutions. If the two of you can't get to the bottom of it, counseling might be in order. Worst case scenario, he's never going to change and you decide what you and Jayson can deal with (and it's ok to think one way now and change your mind later).

What I ultimately learned from my mother's (and my) experience with control freak vs. laid back husbands is that a husband who truly loves and trusts you, knows that you'll come home, with unbroken marriage vows, no matter where you've been and who you've been with...usually with a ton of great stories to share. Controlling behavior is a symptom of extreme fear and you shouldn't have to suffer because he's freaked about something.

Good luck, Sunshine!

Hi Sunshine,
NO THIS IS NOT RIGHT, and NOT NORMAL.
A spouse, has NO right to treat their wife that way, like a trained dog. Sorry, I don't mean that as an insult to you, but rather it is about him treating you that way.

You need to do something... but be careful he does not get angry and retaliate against you.
Most "controlling" people, escalate in their behavior and can potentially become abusive or physically abusive.

Do the both of you communicate well? Can you even talk to him, like you would toward a rational adult individual?
If not, seek help... and or if he will comply, get marriage counseling.

What he is doing, is NOT right. It is not right because a Husband does NOT "own" you, his wife. YOU have rights and freedoms and should enjoy life.... jointly, with your Husband.

You must be VERY careful... about his behavior. It could get worse. You should also tell your family about this, for YOUR safety.... and so they can help you if need be.
Many women are abused this way, and even fatally....
Many abusive men, use "emotional" manipulation, to "make" their wives do what they want. This is what your Husband is doing. Acting "lovey dovey" does not mean this is "love." This is not real adult responsible caring "love." This is harmful abusive manipulative love, that he is doing to you.
HE needs help, from a professional counselor.

All the best,
Susan

When you are in a relationship, especially when you have a child, it is good, healthy and respectful to check in with each other and, yes, sometimes even ask if it is okay to do x, y and z after work, for example. After all, what you chose to do during the time that you normally share together has a direct impact on him and visa-versa. And it's always nice to know what to expect -- whether you will be coming home to an empty house, whether you need to get your own dinner that night, etc.

Now, if your husband is expecting you to check in with him and ask permission to go places during times that you don't normally share together, like while he's at work, well that's an entirely different story. Does my husband have to tell me that he's going out to dinner with his buddies after work and even ask if it's okay? Yes because that's just common courtesy and being respectful of each other's time. Does he have to tell me he's going out to lunch with some of his friends from work? No, because I have no expectation of him being home anyway and his going out to lunch doesn't have any impact on my time or our time together. Of course, I'd like to hear about the lunch afterward, when he gets home, but by no means does he have to ask my permission to go out to lunch while he is at work.

I hope this gives you a better sense of what's going on in your relationship. You know, you and your husband are both pretty young. You may benefit from going to couples counseling so that you can start off your family life with healthy boundaries, better communication and a better understanding of each others needs.

Wishing all the best for you and your family in 2010.

Sunshine,

First, big hugs!

Second, if you're asking the question here, you know it' not right. Like some people said, you tell you spouse what your are doing, where you are going, as information or if you plan to do something and you're wondering if he had something planned at the same time, that's fine, it's informing him of what's going on. My husband likes to know where I'm going so he'll know where to go if something happens. I don't ask his permission, I just do it but he does know where I am.

I think you really need to have a talk with him, maybe ask why he needs you to as permission to do something, maybe he's just not formulating his intent properly, maybe he just wants to know but the way he's doing it is not right.

I suspect you already know he's trying to control you tho, so be careful on how you talk to him, just in case.

My family has always been the ones to try to control me... so I wasn't in your exact situation, but something similar. No, what he is doing is not right. It IS respectful and courteous to inform each other of your activities. I DO ask my husband if he has anything planned on such and such a date and time... and if he would have a problem with me doing such and such... (very vague, I know) but that is just me. At no point does he say I can't go do something or hang out with my friends. He always tells me that i don't have to ask, but I do... I like to make sure that he has nothing else going on and he does the same with me. However, if that is NOT what is happening in your household then it is not normal and something needs to be done now before he gets to your psyche or worse...

I have been married ten years and this is what I learned in year nine.
You must decide what your limits and boundries are. Talk with him and let him know what they are, if he responds with an understanding and openess, you're in good hands. If he responds in a negitive more controlling manner, then you have an unhealthy balance of power and love and you may want to seek help and advice from the numerous resourses out there. professional counceling, family, friends. Marriage books, your community. Etc.
Marriage is a an ever growing and evolving experience, you must be aware, present, and true to yourself to make it work.
Good luck.

I am not in a controlling relationship but know many woman who have been, including my mother, who has been married to my father for the past 30 years. Is she happy? Of course not! She can't even use the bathroom in peace. My father is loving and generous, but very controlling. My mother suffers from various diseases, which may have been stress-induced, as a result of having to deal with my father. My point is, if you want to be happy, healthy and content in your marriage, you are going to have to take control now. You need to put your foot down, remain strong, and let your husband know that you can't go on like this, with him controlling your every move. Marriage is about trust, and if he can't trust you to make sound decisions or to do things on your own without his permission, then your marriage may not last. If it does, you might be miserable, like my mom. She loves my father, but is being weighed down by his possessiveness and his need to control everything.

Hi, Sunshine,

Before you got married, what was your view of marriage? What was your fiance's, now husband's? You and your husband need to decide together what works for you as a couple, particularly regarding balance of power. Does your husband ask you for permission to see relatives and friends, take your son somewhere, etc.? If so, you have an equal relationship; if not, then you do not have an equal relationship. Before becoming engaged to my husband, I asked him if he would always treat me as an equal. He agreed. That works for us, in spite of all the problems we have. Some couples, particularly Christian couples I've met on occasion, accept the man as the decision-maker, the partner that wields the power. That wouldn't work for me, but it works for some people.

Best wishes,
Lynne E.

I don't think it is right. However it is considerate to let one another know what you are doing/planning every day since you are now a team. You should not be out running around with your your girlfriends (except for special occasions) anymore since you are a mom & his wife & he should respect you in that way as well. If it gets to the point that he physically restrains you from doing things (or hitting you) then that is a definite NO! Otherwise hopefully you two can find a way around this. I was your age when I was married, had 2 kids & he did as he pleased so I divorced him. I could not live that way. Try to work it it out since divorce will destroy all 3 of you! Good luck

My marriage was like that and I sat down with him numerous times and each time he apologized, promised to try harder, and we set boundaries and every time he did well for a week or so but then went back to his old self.

He refused counseling and after 5 1/2 years I was done. I just couldn't do it anymore and asked him to leave.

He is still a nice guy. He and I and our son often go out together and we get along (probably better now then we ever did when we were married) and I he has made changes to become a good dad.
I like the response by Danielle, if he reacts well, you probably have a shot. If he reacts badly, then run, don't walk away.

Either way you can just demand right back to be treated like an adult and a human being. Respect is part of love, If he really loves you he will respect you, if he doesn't respect you he doesn't really love you.
Good Luck

Hi Sunshine,
No, that's not right and not normal. But you're lucky in this regard -- it's early on in your marriage and there is time to turn this around, pronto. May I suggest marriage counseling? Might sound drastic to you, but really, your husband needs to hear from an impartial party (who can also help him master this) that 1. This is not right. 2. The controlling can be a marriage-ender. 3. He needs to figure out WHY he feels the need to control you (and soon it will be your son, too) and what he can do on his own to change whatever prompts him to act this way.

You are young, Sunshine. Grab a happy life by the horns!

It's S.. I just read all the responses.
I have just one recommendation.
Read Stephanie's response again.
Slowly.
Carefully.
Then, put it aside until the next day.
Then, in the morning, perhaps with your breakfast,
read it again.
Slowly.
Carefully.
And then, one more time.
You'll know what to do.
S.

Hi Sunshine,
You already received great advice and mine will be repetitive, but I wanted to respond because I think it always helps to hear it from several people...same, yet differently worded advice sometimes sticks more...

I am newly married (2 years) after raising my 17 year old (as a very young single mother). My husband (I'm his 1st marriage) whom I dated for 8 years before marrying did a 180' after we got engaged (I blamed it on the stress of his work etc.) so I moved forward with the wedding. I found myself making excuses because he too is such a loving a affectionate man, loves my daughter and great family values etc. Although we are both career individuals and my salary is actually higher than his (not that it matters, but helps with this point), his control was money and wanting to see every dime I spent. Long story short.... we have been married 2.5 years and things are barely getting better. My point is this... marriage takes work, respect for your spouse AND YOURSELF. I chose my battles and set some serious boundaries. He wasn't happy with my boundaries and we argued over them, but I didn't let up. keep in mind there is a balance between being stubborn once you set your boundaries and being reasonable.

Once I found that I was losing "who I am" and my independence, I communicated this to him. He didn't understand at first, but remember he fell in love with you and so don't let him change "that" person. In marriage, we change and complement each other's flaws, but we don't lose our inner-self. marriage is hard, mine still is, but there is light at the end of the tunnel... whether it is alone or working hard to keep a "good" thing together. If you ever need to chat... don't hesitate to email me direclty. I was your age (am still very young) and experienced control in my first young relationship with my daughter's father and have learned quite a bit from it... all the best!

right or wrong, it is your marriage. You have to be ina partnership that works for you. I know I couldn't be in a marriage w/ lots of questions, but, plenty of people can. It needs to work for you. And you need to talk to him if it isn't.

No it is not normal. It's only normal when you are with a controlling person. The sad part is that it will be hard to change him because he thinks it's ok. You have to sit down with him and tell him how it makes you feel and that you are not happy. Just don't talk when you guys are upset or you will get nothing accomplished. Sometimes the only way for them to change is the realization that they can lose you.

You might have to assure him that you only want him. Most of the time they are reacting because they are jealous. The longer you let him get away with it the more normal it will become and the harder it will be to break. Tell him where you are going, but don't ask:)

I hope this helps:)

No it is not right, and it will only get worse. But his control issue is a match to something within you that seeks to be controlled. Identify/Work on that 1st else it will happen again, if you leave this relationship. Think about before the baby, before the marriage. Were there signs of this behavior that you ignored because you 'hoped' he would change eventually. Did you ignore some of your earlier gut uh-ohs?

I have seen from Talk Shows that most abusers start of with control similar to this. Does he try to poison your mind against your family and friends or does it seem like he is trying to isolate you from them, your support system? If so, I say, get out and get out now. Because that is the beginning of the cycle.

I'm from a different mindset and I'd want to find out what he would do if I did not ask him and just did what I wanted without his permission. What do you think he would do? You let him control you out of something, perhaps fear? Ask youself why don't you stick up for your right to go see your family when you feel like it? And if you fear him, then this situation is not good.

My metaphysical advice is to just start imagining yourself feeling free. What does that feel like? Daydream about just taking off to see family and shooting him a text msg telling him where you are going, like its no big deal. Don't think about what it feels like now with him, Imagine the life you want with him, feel it...and watch things change.

The way your husband is treating you (and you are allowing yourself to be treated) is not acceptable. You are an adult, and do not have to ask anyone to do anything -- but of course, checking in with your spouse is great as it keeps communication open. But he should check in with you, too. I suggest that you talk to him about going couple's counseling. Not only do you need to look out for yourself but also your son-- he will learn how to treat others (and women in particular) from you and your husband. The time to change is now-- do not allow this to continue. Be strong, and good luck!

Hello and Happy New Year...no...it's not normal...I've been in the exact same situation till I had enough of it for two years...my ex don't do or help out at all, I worked well over eight hours a day every day, come home tired, he continued to sit on his butt, then I had to do the laundry, cook dinner, giving our child a bath, feed him, and put him to sleep, then off to school till ten at night...come home, study, clean the house, kitchen, and by the time I hit the sack, it is after midnight, but then if I needed something, I have to ask him for permission...he was demanding, rude, talk to me like I was a kid, maid, etc., but after all the fear of leaving, and thought I would not be able to adjust being alone, I realized after a few struggles that I was better off. I met and married my new husband and after twenty plus years, we gained three more beautiful boys, whom are now teenagers, playing high school football, and I managed to have his full support, almost finished with my BA in nursing, I am free to come and go but with him next to me where we both enjoy each other's company, he is always surprising me and treat me well with so much love....looking back, I did the right thing listening to my instincts and followed my heart....

Hi Sunshine

Is he wanting to know just as a courtesy or is he keeping you away from your friends and family. I can understand him wanting you to let him know were your where abouts are, but if he keeps you from going places then I would consider it controlling and that is not right.

If you feel that you are being controlled then you need to seek couseling. If your husband is controlling then he will only continue and you need to deal with the issue now.

Good Luck =)

Shunshine,

First, I want to know if you have to ask or if you started asking and it just picked up from there? If not, then was it that way before you got married? If it was then that's a problem. Nip it in the bud (stop this before it starts)

I've been married for 36 years and I know this is not right. I just asked my husband his opinion and he agrees with me.

Try this, start saying, "I'm going to take Jayson to the park", or "I'm going to my Mom's house for a few hours", and see how he responds. If he has a problem with you telling him what you are about to do then you have a problem. You need to sit him down and talk about it right now.

If there is a trust issue, get it out NOW!!! and squash it NOW!!

Don't allow things to start that you are not willing to deal with in the future. Same with your child. Stop innapropriate behavior at it's onset (when it starts).

Those little things that seem so cute and sweet in the beginning, but feel kind of wrong and/or uncomfortable should be visited now. You are a grown up,not a child.. as is he. Does he have to ask your permission to go places?? NO? You are both adults in an adult relationship. EQUAL; You are on his right side, alongside, not behind..not beneath...together.

Blessings to you'

LIZ

You two are very young and you may have different views as to what married life is. No one OWNS the other person. You are two individuals who are a couple now. Common courtesy is a mandatory thing in the relationship. Talk to each other and not AT each other. The best advice I ever got was that "My husband cannot read my mind." He has to know how I feel and he won't know unless I tell him. I have been married for over 20 years and together for 21 and we have 4 children. Knowing that he does not read my mind is important. I can keep my secrets but I also have to let him know how I am feeling and let him know that he has to asknowledge my feelings, whether he agrees with them or not. Also, how is his relationship with his mother? That will tell you a lot about a man and his relationship with women. Good luck and remember that you took vows. Don't take the easy way out.

No,it's not!
M..

If you are asking the question, then you already know the answer. NO it is NOT right! You may want to try counseling first, but if that doesn't work out, get out any way you can and make sure to get as much custody of your son as possible.

No this is not right! You are not a child. You need to sit and talk about it for the sake of your marriage and you child. Good luck!

you guys are very young. and i'm sorry to say, but that can be a big factor. when you're young, you don't know yourself like you do when you're in your mid 30s..(and if you're lucky, in your late 20s..) Young boys..(men) can be very insecure. They're still growing up and yet they think they're grown men. A 21 year old man is like an 18 year old boy. i highly recommend you find some support groups, family therapist or family mentors..through a community or church ..and seek guidance in your marriage. There's still a lot of learning to do on both of your ends. For you to ask if this is okay..tells me that you have a lot of growing/learning to do still. And NO. It's not okay what he is doing.

good luck.

Dear Sunshine,
Happy to hear that you have a beautiful baby boy, they are sweet little dreams. My boy is 10 yrs old and I sure do miss the days of him as a baby.
Well the matter of your husband, you two are pretty young for being married with a baby, I was married at 20 and my husband was 22 so we were young too, but baby didn't make 3 until 5 years later. The only problem that I see is that it's more of a parent/child relationship. In your relationship you shouldn't have to "ask permission" to do things. You are an adult and if you would like to make a visit to see family that should be just fine. If he just wants to know where you are and when your returning then that is okay too. He just needs to know what to expect, but being demanding, self serving or keeping you from things is definitely too overbearing. Have a frank discussion about it. See what the problem really is. There is definitely something underlying there. Does his father or mother act the same way? These are all the kinds of things that we don't know until we are usually married and living with them daily.
Also, he may just want time with you. Men really miss having their wives (girlfriends) now that they are mothers. It's important to make him feel wanted and needed also.
I would just suggest you having a discussion with him and see where it takes you. You need to do this early in your marriage, bad habits are hard to break later. Hope all goes well.
~~D.

My advice is to talk with your husband and set up a system for married life. It is important to discuss plans with each other - what you're doing and also what he is doing. that's part of being a couple. you could try sharing things with him instead of having him ask you about it. or maybe on Wednesdays, you always visit so and so. Of course, if he is ever violent, that is a red flag that justifies leaving. But otherwise, it's worth investing your time and effort in this marriage especially since you decided to bring a child into this world.