Husband Control Issues

Updated on February 06, 2012
C.B. asks from Dallas, TX
28 answers

Moms, thank you for your support on my last question. This one is tough because I don't like admitting that I have problems in my marriage, but I guess all couples do. Mine is a bit serious, though, as I have lost friends over it, even family members. Here goes...

Some background info, My husband is 36 years old (I'm 21). I grew up in Northern Illinois and he was living there for a job, but he grew up here in TX. I was 16 when we met. I hadn't really ever dated or anything, I was pretty dedicated to school. He was working with the older brother of one of my close friends, that is how we met. Anyway, we hit it off, fell in love, and we were married pretty much right after I graduated high school.

My family was not thrilled about any of this- they thought my husband was controlling and mean to me, but I didn't see it. I was enrolled in college, focused on that, when I was hit with a really bad illness- influenza and strep pneumonia, and the infection spread throughout my body to the point where I was hospitalized, intubated, and nearly died. It was awful. I ended up on a lengthy course of antibiotics that rendered my birth control useless, apparently, because along came my twin girls, Alice & Evelyn.

Almost immediately after learning I was pregnant, my husband wanted to move to TX to be closer to his family. He would not take no for an answer and made plans immediately. We were relocated in three months' time.

After having my twins, I wanted to immediately get back on birth control so I could focus on finishing school, but my husband said that he wanted me to have another baby immediately. I felt I was too young, and that I should finish school first before focusing on growing our family. After all, we already had twin girls! But he wouldn't hear of it, he refused to pay for birth control. Along came our third daughter, Mary.

Day-to-day life exudes similar behavior. He stays in the room when i speak with my family on the telephone. He checks my phone bills, monitors computer usage. He reads all of my text messages. He has a software on the computer that records all key strokes (which is why I'm typing this at the library). I have no friends here in TX because I never can leave the house without him without getting 20 questions. He questions any time I spend money, asks to see receipts. He is very orderly about our house, gets angry if he comes home to a messy house or dinner isn't ready for him. He is very orderly, likes things a certain way.

Don't get me wrong, he's a wonderful provider and is very loving. I could go on and on about the good things about him too.

Not to blame HIM for this third pregnancy, but he did tell me that there was no way I could get pregnant while breastfeeding. Now I feel ignorant for believing that and not researching it myself, or asking my doctor. I had heard other women speak about it though so I guess I just blinded myself... I don't know what I was thinking really.

Either way, I'll have four kids, no friends, no family close to me (at least not my family anyway)... I am not willing to leave my husband, but I'm feeling like he's systematically burying me deeper and deeper so that I can't leave, which is resulting in my unhappiness. Why doesn't he realize I can stay by my own free will, and I intend to?

What do I do? Please tell me there is hope for this situation...

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N.N.

answers from Detroit on

Hello C.! There is hope!!!!

You can not change the hubby but you have to change you. You have to take a stand on issues that you feel are important to you and STAND on it no matter what.

When you are on the phone walk out of the room and if he starts drama tell the other party you will call them back. Talk to you hubby & tell him things have to change ect...

He has some underlining issues that I dare not try to understand because I am outside looking in. You know what they are, talk to him about them and suggest going to therapy.

Sending you faith, hope and change!!!!

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☆.A.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I think you both need counseling.

I understand you love your husband, but I have to wonder why you would accept that type of life for yourself? Don't you think you deserve to be trusted? To be independent? To be strong? To have a say in when/how your body procreates?

God love you, honey, that wouldn't fly with me. He's WAY too controlling and you're not even thinking about doing anything *wrong*!

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M.S.

answers from Washington DC on

Do you really want your daughters to grow up and think that this is how a grown woman deserves to be treated? I hope you want better for them. In a normal, loving marriage, the husband does NOT control or monitor the wife's every move. It sounds like this could get very scary at any moment. Please get out of there asap! Have your parents hire a lawyer in their town so your husband does not find out.

He actually refused to pay for birth control for a very young wife with twin babies in the house!!!!????? Please get out.

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A.C.

answers from Cincinnati on

Does he hit you? Physically scare you? Does he threaten to hurt the children?

If not, then I don't know why you're putting up with this. I certainly wouldn't. He won't pay for birth control? Go buy it yourself. Get out, join a Mom's group, and make friends. If he's not physically restraining you, the rest of his control is in your head. Do what you want. It will show you who he is.

If he is physically hurting you, please do NOT RAISE YOUR CHILDREN IN THAT HOUSEHOLD.

BTW, you're more tolerant than I am. I would never put up with this behavior from my husband. It seems like he is trying to cut you off from the rest of the world.

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E.T.

answers from Albuquerque on

C. - you can't change your husband's actions, but you CAN change yours. You have allowed yourself to be monitored and controlled by your husband for long enough. If you want to make a change, how about baby steps? Take the monitoring software off of your computer. If he asks why tell him that you don't want to be monitored. (and yes - you can take the software off. Just go into the control panel button for the computer and choose "delete" program). Walk out of the room when you're on the phone with your family. Set up a small bank account for yourself and put money in it every week for your personal splurges so you don't have to justify yourself.

Your husband might a horrible guy that you should divorce, but he also might be a controlling guy who's never been told NO before. It's really hard to stand up to someone who is controlling, but you can do it. I'm sure it will cause tension, but isn't that worth having more self respect and control of your own life?

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P.R.

answers from Dallas on

C.,
You are very smart for using the library computer and you are very strong to worry about being a good mama and being ok for your kids. It may look like no way out and it is a difficult situation. I encourage you to continue to reach out for support and a domestic violence hotline is an option. They can talk to you and most important they are there for you 24 hours. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW if you do not feel your life is in danger. However, you are clearly not happy and it is not because you are young or weak or a bad wife. Having 4 babies is hard enough to anyone, regardless of the husband.
Start your plan, save money, reach out and make new contacts that can help you in the future, your obgyn, a priest or minister, this site (change your name and your girls names) and slowly you will feel more in control of your life and then make choices freely. Maybe a friend can let you use the phone to contact your family just to talk to them.
Take one day at a time and focus on your incredible strenght and intelligence, the rest will become more clear little by little.
Isolation is very effective to keep control, break it but be very careful. Emotional and physical violence tends to escalate during pregnancy because it is a very vulnerable moment, even if he has not laid a hand on you before, do not forget that possibility.
I send you a big hug and you are already making it a little better for yourself. Hang in there!

8 moms found this helpful

T.K.

answers from Dallas on

You are isolated here and all alone. I suggest you start visiting churches. Find one you fell comfortable and acepted in. Get a support group of people around you that care.

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N.G.

answers from Dallas on

Uh... hello, alarm bells? Sweety, no, it's not going to get better. Find a way out. Sooner rather than later. Call your family, tell them to come and get you, and get out. And then get into therapy so you can heal.

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K.B.

answers from Detroit on

Well, it will be interesting to see his reaction to pregnancy #3, considering he didn't think it was possible.

He is being over-controlling, and in a sense, you are allowing it to happen instead of standing up for yourself. I am sure you realize by now that 16 years old is way too young to be making a decision like marrying a 31 year old man. You have choices in life. You have always had choices. Who is he to decide you should have another child? Who is he to decide where you are going to live? Who is he to monitor your phone calls and text messages? Is this the kind of life you envisioned for yourself when you decided to get married right out of high school? Is this the kind of life you envision for your daughters when they are grown? There is so much more to life and being a grown adult and a wife and a mother than cooking, cleaning, and making more babies!

There is hope, but only if you start making different choices for yourself and realize that you deserve better. Finish school. Educate yourself. Don't just abdicate decisions to him. Marriage is a partnership and your voice and your opinions count just as much as his. Seek marriage counseling if you intend to stay and if he won't go himself, at least go without him. But if he has an issue with you trying to carve out a better life for yourself and your children, even with him included, then you do need to start questioning if you should remain married to him in the first place. Reach out to your family - I am sure they love you and care about you and will want to help however they can. Talk to them when he is not at home. Delete your texts before he can read them.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh in any way. It's just that it's 2012 and it boggles my mind that there are still young women out there that don't see the value in getting an education for themselves, and being financially independent, before getting involved with a man and considering marriage and having children. Like I said, there is hope. But only if you start standing up for yourself and seeing that you deserve to be heard and have your feelings taken into consideration. Good luck to you. I hope it all works out in your favor.

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H.M.

answers from Dallas on

I agree with Tracy you are in the Bible belt. There are alot of churches around that have mommy groups that you can just have play time. I would just try your best to let him know you are not going any where that he does not have to control you.

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K.F.

answers from New York on

The only person you con control is you. You probably need to plan a careful exit strategy. Your story is all to familiar and disturbing to me. Plan your work and work your plan and get out. You need to be more independent. He was way too old for you right from the start. He is only going to be more controlling as time goes on. He will not be satisfied because his insecurities are in him and have nothing to do with you.

Plan your exodus with your children. Go to a woman's shelter. Tell him nothing of your plans.

Don't go to your immediate family but perhaps to some remote family but get out. His behavior is only going to escalate.

Your daughters deserve to see a loving relationship and this isn't it. The scripture that helped me to know what true love is (1 Corinthians 13). He isn't acting this way. He isn't loving you. You need to love you and your children enough to get help and get out.

Continue to be courageous and strong. I'm praying for you and the girls and your husband and his internal angst.

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K.C.

answers from Dallas on

C., You may be a little naive to notice that there are many things wrong with your situation. The things hubs is doing to keep tabs on you are wrong in so many ways. I pray that you can find the strength to make some boundaries in your life. Unfortunately, when you do you might find you are married to someone very different then who you think he is. I will just pray for you and your situation.

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E.D.

answers from Seattle on

Hi'ya C.,
I applaud your courage. It takes a great deal of strength to identify spousal patterns of control. You have done so with clarity and I appreciate you sharing your story with us. You have inventoried many assets, and I must say, WOW, you are an inspiration: Three children under three and full time school? WELL done mama!!

It sounds like you are looking for support, connection, and resources, and you have clearly stated that you aren't willing to leave your husband, so I'll try to stick with what you've requested. First, let me assure you that you are not alone. You've described that you are physically isolated and trapped and that can feel exhausting, scary, and hard. Many can relate as they are or have been there too, and it's normal to feel overwhelmed because the situation itself is overwhelming. That said, you are in a process of gathering information and empowering your physical and emotional self and, again, that is a very, very, brave thing to do.

From my perspective, there is a lot of hope in this situation, especially because you seem so incredibly intent on bettering and strengthening yourself.

Okay. On to some suggestions:
*Resources*

Websites:
Signs to Look for in an Abusive Personality:
http://www.safeplaceolympia.org/signs-to-look-for-in-an-a...
Power and Control Wheel:
http://www.safeplaceolympia.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/0...
Equality Wheel:
http://www.safeplaceolympia.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/0...
Understanding Oppression:
http://facweb.northseattle.edu/jreis/beginnings2010/Letic...
The Cycle of Violence:
http://www.safeplaceolympia.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/0...
Signs he/she has changed:
http://www.drirene.com/catbox/index.php?showtopic=43472
National Domestic Violence Hotline
http://www.thehotline.org/
Safety Plan Worksheet
http://www.virginia.edu/sexualviolence/documents/safety_p...

Books:
"Why does he do that", Laundry Bancroft
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/042...
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to identify and respond", Patricia Evans
http://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-recog...

People:
You may consider rekindling old connections. You've wisely begun to use the library computer. Could you e-mail a few *trusted* individuals and just let them know what's going on. To be sure, they may insist you leave him, and that's up to you to decide and may not be comfortable to hear. On the other hand, you've identified that you are isolated and you may feel more empowered and capable if you know that you have a safety net. You may want to ask people to not confront him about his behavior as he may choose to punish you for such a situation. We want you to be safer, not in more danger.

Safe Bag:
While you are not looking to leave your husband, you sound like you are looking to have more self sufficiency and independence. I like to recommend packing a safety bag. This bag includes:
- A copy of your/your children's birth certs, insurance cards, ids, etc.
- A few weeks supply of any medications you/your children need
- A few changes of clothes
- Any cash you can manage to save
- Any photos that you love dearly/small tokens that you can't part with
- A copy of all financial documents (make copies while husband is at work - don't let him know you are doing so)
- Etc.

This bag should stay at a friends house, in a bus deposit box, or somewhere else that will remain private and safe.

The goal is not to leave your husband, but to allow you more freedom and access to important information should you need it.

You may also choose to set up a personal p.o. box and bank account and begin to stash away a few dollars as you can.
____
I've got to run but will add more later. Big hugs!

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C.T.

answers from Dallas on

You are exactly right!! He is burying you! And if you are not willing to leave what will eventually become an unbearable situation, then adjust to being his housekeeper, maid, babymaker, bed buddy, slave. You will eventually become a mindless peice of DNA, you will never finish school, you will eventually have to give up any say in your childrens futures, and you will probably never see your family again. They may come see you but he will find some reason for them to either leave early, never have a moment alone with you, or even find a way to exclude all vists for them. This man will not respond to counseling because he truly believes he is doing nothing wrong. And I will bet the next time this blog hears from you, you will be pregnant again. You are giving him complete control of your life and have offered no resistance. Yes, you are ignorant, by that I dont mean stupid, but just ignorant of reality. You will become more and more isolated as time goes on until he will decide what clothes you wear, what food you eat, who you will associate with. Men like this do not change. He has always had these characteristics and your family recognized this. I am almost positive you sublimally enjoy his controlling due to some lack of security on your part.
I can speak knowledgably about this because I lived it until my eyes opened and I realized my life was not my own, he was becoming stronger feeding off my passiveness, I was losing touch with the real world, I was being isolated from my family and any support.
I do not feel sorry for you, you are a grown woman who can make decisions to stop this if you really are inclined. I feel for your children who will grow up in a distorted world, will carry this thought process to the next generation and you will grow old and lonely and never have the life any human deserves. Yes, you can leave and should before it is too late and you are looking a sweet death as an answer.
If you think you are "unhappy" now, wait til real misery moves in!!
Either do something now or learn to live with it. He is abnormal, you are abnormal for living with it. It will not get better!!!
How willing are you to look at his "good" side and ignore the destruction he is doing. Software to monitor your computer!!!!! Really?????? A good provider????? Hitler was real sweet to his neice and loved animals.

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A.D.

answers from Minneapolis on

You are not in a healthy marriage, I'm sorry. You say "he wouldn't pay for birth control." What about YOU? It's not much of a partnership if he has 100% control and ownership of all the family income and you have zero. You are an adult, a spouse, not a child. You should be respected as an equal. You're not. Maybe it is easier for him to make you feel like this is normal because he is so much older than you. But it is not normal. I don't care if he IS the one working and you are not. You have babies, and you are married. You are supposed to be partners in life, all monies should be 100% shared, as well as all important decisions about birth control. I'm a stay at home parent. My husband earns 100% of our family income. I do not have to ask him permission to spend a reasonable amount of money on household or medical expenses. Is your name on any of the bank accounts? Do you have a credit card in your name or a joint account? Assert yourself. What would happen if you did? Would he hurt you? If you fear you cannot stand up for yourself, start making plans to change your situation. Join a church, a mom's group, early child family education classes, etc. If he only clamps down tighter and doesn't loosen up, I hope you will make plans to move back home with your children. You deserve so much better.

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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

You say you don't want to leave, but you need to step back and think about that - considering what is going on, WHY don't you want to leave?

Contact a woman's shelter. What he has done is wrong, and has been wrong (and was illegal) since you met. You need help to escape this situation. Protect yourself, protect your daughters. To grow up in an environment like this learning that this is how a man should treat a woman, and how a woman should be treated is incredibly damaging. Do not be too proud to return to your family.

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M.S.

answers from Dallas on

I agree with most of what the other moms have said. A few different ideas; try to get into a mother of multiples group for socialization for you and your twins, and make some friends there. See what resources your college has; even most community colleges have a full time counselor and a student health center. If your college is entirely online, that leaves you a little more isolated, but there may be resources there as well. I teach at a Dallas area college and if you want to message me and let me know what college you're attending, I can find out some resources for you. Also I know that social work and counseling professors are sometimes approached for assistance and have a huge book of resources for all sorts of situations.

I'd agree with what others have said about getting professional help. If you're not able/ready to do that yet, find some TV shows like Dr. Phil or Oprah reruns that you can watch while he's gone, and/or get some self-help books. If you can't talk to a professional, at least maybe you can see others in the same boat and hear what professionals have said to them (and to the husband).

Your local college or Planned Parenthood may be helpful resources to avoid getting pregnant yet another time, even if it must be done without your husband's knowledge, and there are alternatives such as an IUD or quarterly injections that would be easier to hide, if needed. You can also refuse sex if he will not allow birth control after the baby is born. If he won't "let" you say no, perhaps that will bring additional clarity to your situation. My body, my temple.

He can't realize that you stay by your own free will, because it's about his own insecurities and control issues, and not about you at all. His insecurities only grow, leading to his need to bury you deeper and control and isolate you more; this anxiety that he feeds will only need fed more.

Consider how you would feel and react if your parents had treated you this way. Now think about how your daughters will feel when, not if, he treats them this way. I understand that you love your man and want to stand by him, but your utmost obligation is to your children if it comes down to protecting them from abusively controlling behavior....as well as to yourself. Try to be your own best friend, especially when you are so isolated and feel like you don't have friends, and when you feel conflicted, think about what you would tell a best friend or sister or daughter if she were in this situation. No amount of being a loving, wonderful provider makes up for this level of control. I grew up with an abusively controlling mom and sure wish my dad had stood up for us more. I ran away when I was 15 and 16, and eventually wound up in foster care.

You say that you're not willing to leave; okay, think about what is your line in the sand. What behavior can you absolutely not put up with, for the sake of you and/or the kids? Because guys like this tend to clamp down more and more and erode away your confidence and self-esteem, and the wife just keeps putting up with more and more and starts to believe she can't leave and that the behavior is her fault. I personally would not put up with what you've described, but where is your line and what is necessary for your health and sanity (and that of your kids), and what can and will you do if he crosses that point? That's where that exit strategy and emergency bag come in.

You sound like you are beginning to understand and assert your need for healthy boundaries, and like you're beginning to use more of your own critical thinking skills. Bravo for you! Continue to reach out to others for support and friendship, and think for yourself--and for your daughters. You are strong enough and smart enough to get through this, one way or another. There is hope for you. There is hope for your marriage if he will commit to change and counseling, and admit his problem, as others have said. Regardless, there is hope for you and your children, although the way may not always be clear or easy. You can do it, as many other have. Big hug!

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R.E.

answers from Los Angeles on

There are lots of red flags here. A family member had the same issues and only a great therapist got the husband to see what he was doing wrong. He even works by telephone: http://aspencenter.org/ Dr. Jones is the best. Also if you need to get help so you can FIND help, you can go to this page for resources:
http://www.gomommygo.com/abuse_hotlines.html

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P.M.

answers from Dallas on

Dear one...this is only going to get worse. It will not get better. Someone has suggested...create a TOGO bag. If he EVER raises a had to you or one of the children, grab it and go to a women's shelter. They will help you get through this. Make an escape plan. Open an account only in your name and a CC in your name only. Save money to move back with your family. Get a lawyer..in Texas there are community property laws...you own half of everything..including the debt. Get involved in the finances, know where everything is. Someone else said ...make a plan and work it. My niece was in a similar situation and didn't plan ahead and now her ex has the boy. Very bad...praying that your situation works out better.

Lake Arlington Baptist Church has a counseling center. It is a sliding scale fee based system. The number is ###-###-####.

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K.C.

answers from Dallas on

I'm not sure where you live but Friends of the Family in Denton provides counseling for women that are in or have been in emotional, verbal and physically abusive relationships. My ex husband was the same way very controlling, had to look at my phone every time I got home from work. It got so bad at the end that if I wasnt home by a certain time because I was talking with female co workers after work he called my work and asked what time I clocked out.
I know you are not planning on leaving but Friends of the Family has great resources helping women and its free. They are very discreet and will not call you at certain times and help you find ways to come to counseling sessions, they also offer free child care.

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M.M.

answers from Chicago on

Hi C., you know my uncle did that, made a baby so the wife would not leave him - she did, anyway, only 10 years later.
To control this crazy reproduction, you can become sneaky yourself in the future. Find local WIC office, they will point you to some free clinics where you can get a Depo Provera shots that you only have to get 4 times a year, you husband will not have a clue, will think you gone infertile. They will ask for some info, if you need to know how to answer to get what you want - PM me, I'll walk you through, so you can have the privacy you crave in this area. You can also get your first shot at the hospital, before leaving, just have a private conversation with your doctor. It will give you time to raise those 4 kids and to evaluate better where you stand in this relationship. I think the leaving gets better after a youngest kid is at least 3 y/o.
I think you are unhappy because your H puts you in the role you are not happy in. Perhaps you would want to be a mother after you graduated, established yourself but he forced this on you and you feel like he is strangling you. This does sound like control and severe insecurity on his part, BTW nothing you can do will help with this, this issue is inside of him, you just have to understand that. Do not blame yourself for being young, trusting and not listening to your family, that is why he picked you, he needed the young, inexperienced, naive girl to control. I' know it is very sad when you realize that, but also remember that he controls you because he is afraid of you, so that means he feels your strength, he knows that you are stronger that you think you are.
I'd say, keep your inspirations to yourself for a while, focus on raising those kids for a while and get in control with that birth-control. Try to keep contacts with your family, Skype them (you can write messages for free on Skype) from the Library, seems like you need your family now and will need in the future.

God bless.

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I'm sorry, but if your husband doesn't ackowledge that there's a problem (his) and get professional help, there is no hope. He is not going to change on his own. He has to want to change and I don't see that happening.

You need to take your children and leave unless this is the type of treatment you're willing to settle for for the rest of your life. Again, if he doesn't want help and doesn't seek help, there is no hope for change.

Consider this. You have three girls. They are all looking to you and their dad with regard to their future husbands. Do you want them to think that the way your husband treats you is okay? Do you want them to find themselves in the same situation? If you stay, that's what's going to happen. They only know what they see and experience as far as what a family is. Think about the type of example you want to set and the type of life you want for them and then go out and get that life for yourself. You and your children will be glad you did!

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J.H.

answers from Birmingham on

I'm curious, have you ever told your husband how you feel about any of this? Have you ever asked him what you did to deserve to not be trusted? You are so very young...it makes me sad to think you actually believe this is normal behavior. Your post is so eloquent and smart, surely you know that this is unacceptable. Computer monitoring your use? Third degree for spending money? Wants his house spotless when he comes home to his wife and 3 small children? 5 years with this man and you are already on lockdown. Are you willing to spend the next 50+ years living like this?
Since you are posting this from a library and not your home, I think you already know that answer.

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A.G.

answers from Houston on

If you don't want to leave that's great , I'm happy you are hopeful and see the good in the man,. I do think it would be wise to branch out and become something other than a mother and his wife. By this I mean getting job saving your own money and perhaps finding solace in a group or hobby. Any one of those things might shed some light. I'm not saying that being a SAHM isnt fulfilling ( I am one myself) but given what you've bravely shared I think developing a separate identity would create peace of mind and a plan b.

He does sound controlling, but only you know what is the line in the sand. Draw it and don't allow it to be crossed.

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K.F.

answers from Dallas on

I didn't read all the responses but I did read some, and I think Everley gave you some excellent advice. You said you don't want to leave, so try some baby steps to change your situation. I was in a similar relationship when I was young, and I didn't stand up for myself but I think if I had, it MIGHT have changed things (I also didn't have kids with the man). Decide a few things that YOU need for YOU and implement one a week (or every two weeks, or whatever works for you). You don't have to do it all at once, but start making changes NOW. There is a good chance he might just need to be told NO. Just do it gently and respectfully, and then prove to him you are a grown-up by holding your ground. Hugs!!! Message me if you need to talk.

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V.S.

answers from Dallas on

You need to leave your husband. Go to a place that will protect you. Start documenting all of this. Call Genesis Center in Kaufman or go back and beg your family to let you come live with them until you get an education.

This is going to only escalate. And if you defy him, chances of violence are very good. I am very pro marriage and pro working on things but the good parts of your marriage are good because you are passive and not defying him.

Please, please, for the safety of you and your children, leave him. If you are going to stay, talk to your doctor privately about birth control and go to planned parenthood secretly and get things taken care of so there are not more babies until you are ready for more. The forced pregnancies are just another way to control you and keep you with him.

I'm sorry but I am really scared for you. He will use the children against you in every way he can. Get help from people with experience against controlling spouses. I'm so very sorry.

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D.K.

answers from Dallas on

Oh C.! I am so sorry for your situation! I would have been overwhelmed as well! Everyone else have given you excellent suggestions, so I won't repeat that. However, know that my husband was also somewhat controlling in the initial couple years of marriage, especially when I lost my job. He would make all the financial decisions and it would be hard to deny him in anything. 2 years into a good stable job now and I feel I have an almost equal say at least financially. Women need some identity to feel the self-respect and its good that you are focusing on your education. Talk to him about future plans (i know it would be hard but worth a shot) about your education and job prospects. Try keeping the girls with a baby sitter (you said his family is nearby? They might help!), and try searching for a decent job. Once you have some financial stability, you will gain some respect and value in your household. I know that you love your husband just as I do mine. Controlling behavior can be changed, and it took me 5 years to change my guy! Just saying there's hope for you as well. Sending prayers to you for a happy, healthy & respectful married life!

S.L.

answers from New York on

Get your degree, no matter what. are u close to finishing? If he doesn't go with you to Dr apts., tell him the doctor recommended more help around the house and hire a mother's helper so you can study and rest. Tell him the doctor recommended you have time with friends to help your mental health.

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