Hi moms...so i've been with (and i use that loosly b/c we have been on and off so many times to count) but with my son's father for about 6 years. We started dating and it was fun, he and i would talk and laugh and then we found out about our son. So fast forward to about 2 years ago, he and I were expecting our second child and he was going to move in with me in my house to really raise a family and we were engaged to be married. Well one day we had an argument and he ended up using my hand to continuously punch himself in the head until my hand broke. During the episode I screamed and yelled and pleaded with him to stop but he was trying to make me hit him in order to relieve my stress. He assumed that I wanted to hit him so he proceeded to make that happen (I have never hit him or even attempted to hit him in the past)...so that was a friday night...Saturday I went to ER and discovered that my hand was broken...Monday had abortion...Tuesday had hand surgery...back to work following Monday. So during the past two years he and I have both gone to counseling and he has really become more involved in church and leaning on Christ more to help him make decisions and be better...so I end up hanging out with him and just trying the family thing out again. Well one day shortly after me saying ok I will try this again, he was fussing again and I was threatening to walk home. He ened up apologizing and stating that he just wants us to be together and he's trying to do all that he can to make that happen. Another evening we argued and he ended up throwing a bottle of water across my house to put a hole in my wall. I felt a lttle at fault b/c I was unable to commit to marriage, but I'm a bit apprehensive b/c of the violent nature that comes out when I state that I'm apprehensive b/c of our past. So fast forward to today. We are at my house and we are discussing emotional connections and stuff. It ends with me trying to explain my point of view and him cutting me off and then me trying to leave. he blocks me from leaving my garage and when i attempt to go out the back door he blocks that and then grabs me and shoves me back into the house, I fall down and he says that he was not trying to hurt me but to get me to stay so that we could talk....So like really, does it require all of this, is he really abusive and I'm over looking it, Is it my fault b/c I'm unable to say 'yes i will marry you' am I making things worse by just waiting hoping that it will change? I have never thought of myself as an abused woman, but today I was like this really seemed uncalled for, would a normal man just allow me to leave when i say i'm leaving b/c he is not listening to me....sorry it was so long, but i really feel a bit lost right now and very scared, not for my safety, but just a little scared to start over. He states that he's passionate about our relationship and wants it to work and he just really tries his best to make that happen and if would have left then we may not have talked....
this isn't really a so what happened, but i don't know how to answer your questions w/o this part...
I enjoy when he is being a good father and mate to me and he is very helpful and dependable, but I would not say that i always like myself when i am with him, i feel a little ashamed of myself b/c i never thought i would be in this situation and it's hard to be on the inside of it...
yeah the intimacy has been gone from our relationship since the hand incident and i have a hard time allowing myself to feel comforted by his touch
he has been in my opinion harder on our son than me, but never to the extent of what i've gone through, i have talked to him about this and he seems to understand about talking to our son rather than just straight to spakings...it's a little sad for me to think about leaving when i look at my son and i totally never imagined being here, i was always the woman that was like 'girl i would never, he would never and he better not or i'm out' but when i got into the situation i understand a little more about the decisions that to me seemed easy for another woman to make, but here i am doing what i said i would not do
i pray for my son b/c he has seen and heard some very bad things between his dad and i b/c of choices i have made...he just wants us to stop arguing and thinks we will get married if we do, i feel like i'm letting him down a bit but i pray he will understand in the long run
you were able to walk away from an argument w/o him being upset...I thought that would be a good option b/c i was trying to avoid the drama, but it didn't work that way...
I'm sorry but you know exactly what all of us on this website are going to say to you... run don't walk away from this man... run!!! Any type of violence is not acceptable end of story!
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
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I think your instincts are telling you that this is not the relationship you want. Listent to your instincts. Please remember that you can love someone, even be passionate about them, and it not be a good or healthy relationship for either of you. Ask youself "Do I like him?, Do I like myself when I am with him?" If the answer is no, you need to put space between you.
P.S. Few abused women think of themselves as abused
You are in an abusive relationship - no question about it. Get out NOW - especially for your son. If you need help, you can call the Houston Area Women's Center at 1-800-SAFE (7233).
RUN< RUN< RUN. He is an abusive man and the moment you marry him it will get worse. I am divorced and came from a relationship that started out like that, ended up with me getting beat with a bat. I am not one to usually be very outspoken with caps but this is a safety issue. I feel for you but you need to cut your losses, take your kid and RUN. If it is your house, kick him out. Call the Cops if you must. His methods for getting you to listen to him are wrong!!!! Please, Please, think this through. I never thought I would be a battered wife but that is exactly where I ended up. THis is NOT your shame, it is his. Call your Mom or someone in your family that you trust to help you. I did it alone but it would have been easier if I had called my sisters. I will pray for you, your child and your safety.
Get out while you still can ~ you are an abused woman, period. Please help yourself and your child. Do you want your son to grow up learning to treat women like his father does? You are much stronger than you think you are. Be safe, leave and create a healthy, safe environment for you and your child.
Doesn't sound good, I think you should just walk away. Let him have a relationship with your son but not you.
Yes, you are engaged in an abusive relationship. You are both at fault, and you need to take responsibility for your safety and that of your son's, nobody else's. You owe him NOTHING but access to father his son. Stop having sex with him and stop getting pregnant. (Congratulations for recognizing that having that second baby was a bad idea. Now, do what you can so you don't find yourself in that unfortunate position again.) Get some counseling to work on loving yourself before you even think about being romantically involved with any man. You are not currently a whole and healthy person, and you should work on that first. Until you do, you will always be a willing participant in unhealthy relationships, and your child(ren) will grow up to continue the cycle. If you are not strong enough to do it for yourself right now, do it for your son. Do it for your possible future children. You owe it to them to be in a position to show them good things, to make them feel safe, to smile and laugh.
He is an abusive man who needs anger management instruction.
Aside from that you state in your response ...
"intimacy has been gone from our relationship"
A relationship should involve intimacy. If you don't have that, you are missing an important connection to have a life-long relationship with this man.
You cannot control his behavior, only influence, therefore you are not causing him to behave this way. You have given him long enough to straighten his life out for you, and it is obvious your influence on him has not helped him modify his behavior. He isn't likely to change for you. Move on. You can find yourself in a better relationship elsewhere.
Hi K.,
You are in an abusive relationship. The reason he is so desperate for you to marry him is because then he will have ultimate control over you. It has been 6 years and through all the counseling and church-going, he hasn't really changed. Do you really think he ever will at this point? I'm so sorry you are in this situation. There is someone out there who will appreciate you and love you and not put you through all this. Please walk away, if not for your own sake, for your son's.
woooo-whoooo! Time to walk far, far away from him. Have you considered the need for a restraining order, & where is your child when this is happening? & seriously, I feel fear even thru just answering this for you.
Please seek safety, please take charge. I wish you Peace & happiness.
If you are afraid, you are abused. And no, a normal man does not do this to a woman. If you are still in counseling, talk to the counselor, or your minister. You need to get him out of your house, and may need a restraining order. 6 years is too long a history of things not changing. Good luck. You are in a very tough situation, but there are more resources now than 30 years ago. Usually the United Way has counseling and shelters.
Get out... This is a seriously destructive relationship.
Abusive relationship. Get out. And don't leave your computer up to this website. I imagine he would be very angry to see these posts and responses. You do not want your son to grow up believing this is how you treat people. Not having a father/husband is better than having an abusive one. REALLY.
Listen to the lyrics of the Eminem/Rhianna song "Love the Way You Lie" -or google them-it is a classic abusive relationship distilled into a song. Very powerful.
His bad behavior is not your fault. What will be your fault is if you stay and allow this to continue.
Good luck.
RUN, don't walk. And don't look back.
Best wishes,
B.
His anger issues are not your fault. There are ways to have a conversation about anything without violence. He needs some anger management classes if he expects to have a decent relationship. You obviously love him, but you can't get past this detail. If this is it then there are ways to help. If there is more than that keeping you from marriage, then I suggest you leave the situation alone and move on with your life. If he is trying the God way, then maybe you guys need to sit down and have some counseling with a leading member of the Church.
So he wants you to marry him and when you tell him you're not sure you want to, he tries to convince you with intimidation, pushing you down, and putting holes in your wall? Church is good, but this man definitely needs some anger management. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 7 of those, and he has never touched me in anger nor have I, him. I know my husband doesn't like it when I leave the room during an argument (he thinks I'm running away when I'm just trying to control my emotions in private) but he has never prevented me from leaving the room.
I would also be unable to say "Yes, I'll marry you" to this man. You are to be commended for trying to make a relationship work with the father of your child, but not if you have to sacrifice your well-being. It's time to move on. Be careful, it doesn't sound like he'll take it well.
Be safe.
PS: Does he behave like this when he's disciplining your son?
You don't need to walk away from this relationship, you need to run, run with all you have away from this man, save yourself and your son, from a horrible situation. The instant you say I do, he will begin to show you just how horrible and ugly and mean he can be to both you and the son you want to protect. Run, Run, Run. Is that clear enough?
It's because you are with him so long you are numb to the idea that he is a classic abuser, period. He will not change, And no, a real man does not block someone who wants to leave and seriously he broke your hand. The fact he moves right to spanking your son is a HUGE RED FLAG. I know it is hard and you are in a vicious cycle, get an order of protection and get rid of him. And NEVER EVER assume his being physically abusive to you is some how your fault. You hesitate to marry him, becasue deep down you know it's not a good idea. Let him go and for yours and your son's sake I hope he leaves you alone.
This is not a good place to be. And the fact that it has lasted 6 years is too long. Manipulators know all the words/ actions/ ways to help you start thinking that things are YOUR fault. I was there when I was 20 and dating the wrong person. The way they have grown up, seen their fathers act...has taught thme how to make YOU feel very bad about "causing" their bad behavior. And, of course, they say things will be better...and it will never happen again.
You do not want your son to learn this, and treat his girlfriend/ wife.....this way.
Leave.
Violence should NOT be tolerated. He must learn to control his behavior, before you give any consideration to a relationship. Anger management comes to mind. As far as flag reading, there are too many red flags. Please don't ignore them. Best wishes and God Bless!
This is in no way your fault. I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years and just like you, I was in denial about it even being an abusive relationship at first. I can tell you that his behavior will only get worse as time goes on. It will start out with shoves, then throwing things or destroying things in the house, then he will start hitting you, and it just gets worse and worse. You need to remove yourself and your son completely from the entire situation. God gave us an intuition and you should listen to yours. It sounds to me like yours is telling you that something isn't right here.
I don't know either one of you, but it sounds to me like there is some immature activity going on. Maybe you two just don't belong together. Sometimes that is the case.
You are scared for a good reason. Don't ignore that healthy response. YES, he has an abusive streak, and if you marry, it is VERY likely to assert itself more strongly over time. Don't do that to yourself or your children.
If you have trouble getting him to stay away, and he becomes threatening about it (which sounds pretty likely), call a women's crisis hotline and get help. Fast. They'll be able to give you good advice and access to needed resources.
Going into marriage, you both should be feeling peace and joy about your relationship. Those feelings of "I want to spend the rest of my days with this other person and share my life with them." It is a time where you both are at your BEST behavior.
I'm not saying that after you get married it's all downhill from there. But your own words have expressed how you feel about your relationship - FEAR, HURT, ANGER, DESPAIR. These are not the feelings you should be having when you are considering marriage.
Your boyfriend has some serious issues which HE must deal with. He is controlling, violent, and psychotic. These are HIS behaviors - not yours. He needs to continue to attend church and seek counseling.
You are doing yourself and your child a disservice by remaining in this toxic environment. You say you have been unable to commit to marriage with this man. It's really easy to say the word "yes" but something deep in your gut (your instincts) is keeping you from it. Listen to your instincts - they are right.
Good luck!
He keeps doing things to hurt you, and you keep returning so he keeps winning. He knows you'll come back no matter what. This isn't a normal loving relationship. No one who really loves you would hurt you in the awful ways he has. Love is an action not a feeling. He isn't loving you at all. He is controlling you and abusing you. You are abused and can't see it. You need to get out and get yourself to safety before something really bad happens.
First of all, don't ever believe any of his abusive nature is your fault. That is exactly what a controlling man wants you to think. Get out right now because things will get worse!! Once he has a ring on your finger then he will more then likely try to convince you that he wants to take care of you and that is the reason for his controlling nature. I have been threw hell and back and I know a lot more now. I just want to pass it on to all the women I know because there is no need for this kind of behavior. Do you really want your son to see you in a relationship like this? Do you want him to grow up to be an abuser? You can still come out and make so much of your life. If you get involved with him then your future will look bleak and for both you and your son it would be wise not to let this happen.
