Going Thru a Rough Time….

I would leave and leave now. You deserve respect. Why do women think its ok for men to treat them that way and its their fault.

S.:
YOU are fine --- he is an abuser. Even if he is your husband he does not have the right to tell you how to dress or not to wear make-up. He does not have the right to tell you -- you can not have friends.

~~~~~~~~ LEAVE HIM BEFORE HE STARTS HITTING YOU ~~~~~~~

Find a shelter and go -- just pack up and go -- take your baby to a place where you will not be yelled at and treated like a child. Get a job and take care of yourself and your baby. Your husband is a loser.

You are thinking about this ALL WRONG, S.. Your baby is going to be worse off for having you married to this man. He will have to witness you being abused over and over by this man. He's already screaming in front of the baby. What do you think is going to happen when your son reaches the difficult stages when he is not behaving well? He'll be screaming at your son too.

S., you are not in a normal relationship. NO man has the right to marginalize you from everyone around you. He wants power over you and he will stop at nothing to get it. Awful clothes and no makeup? Clean home and cooked food? What will be next S.? Bruises, broken bones? Your baby thrown against the wall? You might sit here reading this shaking your head, saying he'd never do that. That's what abused women always say before they end up in the hospital.

Your son doesn't have a daddy. He has a monster in his house who frightens him and is horrible to mommy. You are all your son has, S.. You owe it to him to get him out of this. PLEASE go talk to a battered women's shelter. They will help you get your ducks in a row and tell you what to do.

There's going to come a time when you won't be able to compromise over something, S.. He will hurt you when that happens. Why would you let it go so far? You cannot live the rest of your life with a man like this.

Please go get some help.

Dawn

Please call a domestic shelter and figure out a way to get away from your husband. Watching you be abused is not going to be beneficial to your son in any manner.

do you honestly think that raising your child WITH this ogre is better than raising him alone? take a look down the road and wake up - in 20 years your son will be just like him. treating some other woman like this.

there is nothing even "okay" about that. much less "better".

You are being abused. Start making a plan to leave.

You can see all the concern, PLEASE KEEP US POSTED!

Get in touch with family, friends or a shelter. Get up, get packed, get out of this abusive situation. It will not get better and this is not a good situation for you or your child.

An abuser that isolates is the WORST, they will try and sometimes succeed in making one feel worthless. You and your child deserve better. Don't warn your abuser, just make a plan and do it fast when he's not home.

You are not compromising, that involves give and take from both parties. He controls you, call it what it is. It might make it easier to see your situation for what it really is.

Don't let your son be a reason to say. That isn't fair to him. You want to raise him up to be a man who respects women, not controls them.

It may be hard to change your relationship because you have been a willing participant, does he know how you feel? If you both want to work on it, I would suggest separating while you do.

I think you need to read what you wrote and the answer will scream out at you. The first step to healing is admitting your in a bad relationship... If you stay with this man, your son has a huge chance of being just like him. The writing is on the wall - literally. Good luck!

I don't know whether this will resonate with you or not, but the very first thing an abusive spouse does is isolate the other from friends and family. It is an indication that you are more of a possession than a partner, and it also prevents him from looking bad if you have no one to tell. My husband has never asked me to change who I am -- he married me BECAUSE of who I am, as I did him. That does not mean that I love every single thing he does, but he is who he is and I respect that he is an independent person who is not there to be what I tell him to be.
I know you want to maintain an intact family for the sake of your child, but please consider what a child sees when one parent is controlling or abusive of the other. Children of abusive, controlling parents either become controlling abusers themselves or accept controlling abusive partners for themselves. You do have a responsibility to set a good example for your child, but the best example may not be staying with someone who calls you names, makes you change, isolates you from you friends, and screams at you. Imagine what you wrote here was written to you by a friend. What would you tell her?

Do you want your son to see that the way YOU are being treated is the way HE should treat his future partner?

This is a controlling, potentially abusive relationship... the first thing they do is to separate you from your old friends and family...... is this what you want your son to see as a proper relationship?

You are worth so much more!

S., are you married to my ex husband???

Seriously, my ex was JUST like this. Wouldn't let me cut my hair, wouldn't let me work, if I went to the grocery store and was gone too long he'd call demanding to know who I was with, demanded sex when I was one day post partum, sick, not happy. Verbally abused me. Physically and sexually abused me.

I was his plaything. I had no "ME" anymore. I was a prisoner in my own home...and I stayed because HE convinced me I was a bad person, a slut, incapable.

If this sounds like you, you need...no MUST get out.

Call your parents. Family. Friends. Anyone. Find a place to go. Open a bank account and move the money in your joint account to it. Leave while he's at work...and don't go back. DON'T GO BACK.

Your child will be just fine. Don't believe the lies your soon-to-be-ex has told you. I left with two toddlers in tow. They are now 9 and 11 and WONDERFUL boys. I know they are better off with me. Your child is better off with you...NOT him.

And be sure to delete your internet browser history. If he's like my ex...he's watching every move you make.

Send me a message if you need any advice at all. I've been there.

This helped me a lot: http://youarenotcrazy.com/

ETA: The signs that B posted? Yeah...my ex exhibited EVERY SINGLE ONE. And your description of your husband sounds just like my ex.

Please, please make plans to get away from him. Don't give him even the slightest hint. Just carefully start getting finances and vehicle and stuff ready. When you have to pack up, call a friend to come over and help. Don't give him a forwarding address or call him. Just get an attorney and file for divorce.

And don't bother with marriage counseling. He'll just use it as another way to control you, belittle you, and make you a villain. Trust me on that. Just GTFO.

S., I know you love him, but you deserve better. Marriage is a partnership not an ownership.

I know it's hard to make changes, but it hurts my heart when A Sister is treated this way.

Please be good to yourself for you, AND so that your son will grown up to be good to HIS wife.

What you have is not a marriage. It is not normal.

:(

S., can you tell us of anything that he does good for you? If you cannot-- ...

I agree with the other posters.

But I just want to stress about why staying together for your son is not a great idea. Do you want him to grow up thinking that this is how women should be treated? Do you want him to grow up thinking that what his wife needs and wants is irrelevant? Break the cycle. Leave your husband and teach your son that everyone deserves respect. Give him the best chance you can to be the best man he can.

Short and sweet: I encourage you both to seek counseling. A one-sided controlling nature is never a good aspect in any relation. It sounds like you have done everything to please him and he still isn't happy. And my biggest fear is that is sounds like it is escalating. I think counseling is the best thing to do to make sure everyone gets what they need out of the relationship. It will teach both of you to compromise equally.

This has RED FLAGS all over it!!! You need to get out of this situation ASAP!!! You are not doing your son any good letting him see you being treated like this.

Why are you changing FOR HIM? Why are you letting HIM tell you who to be friends with? Why did you stop wearing makeup FOR HIM? Why did you change the way you dress FOR HIM?

You need to answer these questions and really think about the answers!!!

If he is as controlling as you say, how are you able to use a computer? I would think he's got control over that too!!! If this posting is for real, I really hope you get some help and get out - SOON!!!

Good luck!!!

Hi S.!
I think when women become mothers, their whole world changes.
I'll bet your LITTLE guy is the light of your life and the center of your universe , right?
You would do well by him to make sure he grows up in a loving, stable environment. I'm not sure if it is right now. Your husband, to me, sounds controlling and verbally abusive. I think you and your son need to live safe.
Do you think you'd be safer without your husband there?

Girl - you need to leave. NOW. And if you are going to stay - you need to grow a back bone and stand up for yourself.

Love does not make a marriage work. he is controlling AND isolating you - and you are allowing it - by stopping you from contacting your friends. Tell him to POUND SAND.

IF he loved you - you would NOT HAVE TO change to make him happy.

Sorry - but you sounds like the classic abused wife. Almost like a Stepford wife. House is clean. Do as he says. the only thing that isn't exact is the clothes.

IF he loved you - he would not throw your previous relationships in your face - was he a virgin when you met him? If not - then he can't call you names.

NO ONE FORCED or MADE him do anything. He had free will to say no and NOT walk down the aisle to marry you. So tell him to POUND SAND about the "made him marry me". He probably feels emasculated because he didn't get the chance to do the traditional thing of asking. Oh well. get over it. He could have said NO.

If, for you, it's OKAY for YOU to make these changes FOR HIM - then you are ALLOWING it. Stand up for yourself.

Get counseling.
You will NOT fail without him.
You need to respect yourself.
Show your child that you respect yourself. This is NOT how you want your son raised. He might end up mimicking his dad and his behaviors - do you really want that?

My gut says, "get a back bone, pull up your boot straps and get out". He is a jealous controlling bully. Doing the changes HE wants, to make you into a different person, ohter than the one he married, obviously is not the answer. It ISN'T WORKING!!
A bad marriage is worse than no marriage! He causes you to be scared with his screaming rages, stop this before it escalates into a physical altercation. YOU can't make a marriage work unless you have a partner and willing participant.
Save yourself and your son a lot of grief, down the road, you will be glad. Right now, you say you love him. Trust me, you can "unlove" too.
Get a plan, get some help, GET OUT!

From what you are saying - you need to leave now. Otherwise your son will grow up to be just like his dad.

You both sound miserable. My only advice is to go to marriage counseling.

GET OUT NOW. Isolating you, belittling you, screaming at you, next will be hitting you. These are all classic sides of an abuser. Do Not Delay. Do not be fooled by his pleading with you to come back, his promises to change. This guy is really bad news. And if you stay you will start to think you are worthless, that he must be right about you, and you'll have a very hard time leaving when your self esteem is beaten down to nothing. Call you family, get out. Today.

Hi S.,

Your baby boy will be better off if you leave your husband than if you stay. It not healthy for him to witness his father belittling his mother and screaming at her all the time.

Your husband is a classic abuser. He has isolated you, and now wants to control everything about you even down to your appearance.

This is not temporary. He's not going to change. Start making a plan to leave!

Best of luck!

sorry, hon. he sounds like a nightmare.
is this the role model you want for your son?
i hope you figure out a way to value yourself more highly and create a much better life and love for yourself and your son.
khairete
S.

Your husband is too controlling and he is teaching that to your son. If you stay in this relationship the way it is, your son is going to end up treating you just like your hubby does and he will grow up to treat his wife like that also. Is that what you want?

Sometimes it's better for a child to grow up with divorced parents than it is for the parents to stay together for the benefit of the child. Sometimes it's just not beneficial. I would say that that's the case for you.

You are not going to change your hubby. He is who/what he is. Period. You have to decide if you're going to stay and put up with it and watch your son grow into his father or if you're going to show your son that you are a strong woman and that you don't have to and won't take that sort of treatment. Your son will either end up respecting you (if you leave) or walking all over you (if you stay).

The only advice that can be given is for you to decide what you want and go for it.

S., I am so sorry to hear this. This is not a healthy relationship. I know you say you love him, but I hope that you will get to a point that you love yourself and your son enough to make a change. I think at the very least you should get into couples counseling. If he refuses, go by yourself. You could also talk to a church leader- sometimes they can direct you to cheap or free counseling services.
It sounds like you are working very hard to be "the perfect wife" but I can also hear the stress in your post. I just have to point out that my husband has NEVER called me a name, never thrown in my face my previous relationships or mistakes from before we met, never asked me to change the way I look in any way, never hinted that I was not good enough or was lucky he agreed to marry me, never told me I could not hang out with friends or go some place...in short, he recognizes that I am an adult and get to make my own decisions. Of course we both try to make decisions that are good for our family unit. Your husband has you on eggshells trying to control your every move. This is not healthy or normal. Please seek counseling or take steps to get out. Your son deserves a better model than this.

You are being manipulated and abused. A pretty wife, clean house, and cooked meals don't make a happy home. Did he also agree to give up his friends? If not, why if he wanted you to do it? He does not want you to have any resources or outside contacts. He wants you to depend only on him and he will provide you assistance/attention, at his will on his terms. Was he like this before you married him? He is controlling.

I'm sorry you are going thru a rough time. I thought I was reading about myself.
This person is stealing your identity to the point, you don't know who you are. You are living a daily battle to make this man happy. The sad thing, he isn't happy himself so you are his whipping post. He has mental issues and needs to seek counseling but he will let you know he is fine and you're the one that needs it. It all boils down to control issues.
Please keep seeking answers for your own sanity and for the safety of your child. My prayers are with you. Let go of things you can't control. Become free and happy in your own mind. Life is too short to live in misery. You have this beautiful boy to show what real life is about. I had 5 children and thank God, I survived.

True love is having someone who loves you for who you are, not someone who wants to change you. No one is perfect and we all take the flaws with the good traits in our significant others and they do the same with us.Sounds like your husband doesn't respect you at all. I say move on. I know it's not always the easiest thing to do, but you owe it to yourself and your son to have a better life with someone who loves and respects you. You deserve better. Get out while you can.

S.. You are in an abusive relationship. He is grooming you to be not only verbally abused, but physically if he hasn't already. HE won't stop at you--he will do this to your baby as well. Please.....go to the police station alone without his knowledge--take your baby with you of course and ask for them to get you a domestic violence counselor to talk to. Tell them EVERYTHING you have done for this man and what he has done for you.

You have changed your whole life, your whole being to please him and its still not enough. He will never stop trying to belittle you or change you. He will never accept you as you are. Please for the love of your little baby, get into a domestic violence shelter, they can help you make a SECRET plan to leave. You don't want to make ANY indication that you are leaving or your violence in your home will escalate. You don't know what he is capable of. Please do this for your baby if you aren't strong enough for you yet. Your life and your baby's life depends on the decision you make whether to make a plan and leave or to stay and allow him to hurt you/your baby.

I wouldn't normally write this---but you are in danger. Right now. Please make that call for help. You can have such a better life, you and your little guy without violence or hurtful words.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk privately.

Take care,

M

First of all it is not healthy that he is trying to control every move you make all the way down to dictating what you wear and how you wear it! No one should have to say good bye to their friends and you can still have friends and be married. If the friend is a wild party friend than I understand to wean away from them, but not girlfriends you can talk to and go shopping with.

You may be trying to keep your marriage, but if things don't change it is not going to be healthy for your son either way. They sense thing whether you are fighting or not and when things are not right. You can say alot with your body language.

It just sounds to much like a bad situation and could wind up being very dangerous with the possibility of domestic violence especially if he can't control you. One day you will have enough! I don't know how old you are, but seriously this behavior is not a good thing.

You may find you and your son are much better without him no matter how hurt you may feel at the time. Your husband sounds like a control freak and is not good thing because it will lead to other things that will not be pleasant and someone will get hurt.

You should seek a counselor on this subject and get their opinion.

You're being abused. And so is your son, if your husband is screaming at you and abusing you in front of him. Find a way to value yourself and do what's best for you and your son. Get out of this abusive relationship, quickly.

clear signs of control and someone who is verbally abusive. please look into hiring a lawyer and filing for divorce. Your marriage is VERY one sided. Sorry that we all agree on this as most of us would tell you to seek a counselor and try to help your marriage. These are warning signs to a much bigger issue. Get a court order and protect your son and yourself. I do not know you and I read the signs of what I choose to ignore in my own marriage and wish to god I listened to the signs and to others....get out while u have some sense of sanity and self worth!