How Do You Do It

Hi M.,
I have the same problem sometimes. What I've found that works is getting cutesy/flirty with him. I throw him a suggestive smile and say, "I'd sure love some time with you tonight." He gets all excited and I follow up with, "If you could wash the dishes for me while I put the kids to bed, I'll meet you back down here in a half hour." I give him a quick little kiss and a pat on the behind and I leave him in the kitchen before he realizes what's happened. It works for me.
Good luck!

Susan hit the nail on the head. I do the same thing with my husband. Although, let me warn you that this approach can also lead to resentment b/c sometimes you just want to be a little pampered and have them take it upon themselves to do the things you do and let you sit down and relax. I have learned as I get older to stop worrying about the small stuff. The dishes, laundry, etc. can wait. Sometimes, we all just need to sit next to our spouses and reconnect. Even if they are on the laptop or you are both watching TV, at least you are together.

Don't get me wrong, WE ALL have our days and quite frankly, sometimes those days can be very overwhelming. I have to force myself to remember that it is just laundry, or that nobody died b/c their carpets weren't vacuumed. What works for me is just walking away from all of it and going to play with my daughter or have she and my husband and I all lay in the bed and play/talk. Once I hear her laugh and he and I both get to smile, it seems to make it all go away and reminds me why I do it all. I will definitely remember the sound of that laugh and the love it made me feel, but will never remember if the laundry was folded or not.

Hi M.,
There are only so many hours in the day, and you're right, you can't do it all. No one can. My advice comes from another perspective. I quit my career when my children were born because it was important to me not only to be with them, but also to have the time and energy to make a home for my family. I really don't understand some of the women's harsh/manipulative/unloving advice about how to treat your husband. Your husband only wants to spend time with his wife. Why is that so horrible? He wants to relax with you and to see you relaxed and not stressed out all the time. Everyone needs down time every day, including your husband who has worked all day too, and including you. I would suggest that you look closely at your life and search your heart, looking down the road a ways as well, and make sure you are making the choices now, in little and big things, that you will not regret in the future. If you have never heard of www.flylady.net, I would highly recommend her. She has lots of help and advice (free) about how to take care of your home and self and family so that you can enjoy each day, and not be overwhelmed by chaos and stress. Lots of help with routines, simplifying housework, making it fun and getting your children to help, etc. Honestly it has changed my life (and over 500,000 other women's too). There is a section on the webpage that says something like "What kind of flybaby are you?". If you click on it, there are links for Flying with Babies, Flying with Preschoolers, and Flying while Working (or Payroll SHE's). These are pages of short tips by other moms in the very same situation as you and how they make it work. It might sound crazy if you have never heard of her, but I promise you will be refreshed and helped. :) Blessings to you and your family, and Merry Christmas M.!

I ask the same question a lot. I stay at home and still don't see how people can keep up. I sure can't. My husband goes to bed at 8 and I stay up til 11 just so I can have some time to myself. The best thing I can tell you to do is get a sitter once a month and have a date with your husband. Even if you just meet for lunch or go to Kroger for an hour. That way you are doing something alone, together. Mommy mode is hard to break out of and men don't seem to understand that, but sometimes it is best to leave the dishes in the sink, leave the clothes in the dryer unfolded, and just sit down on the couch. Everything can wait til tomorrow.

I have been married for 24 years, have 11 children, 9 still at home, a two year old being one of them, we home school, and I have a home based business! Different circumstances but same issue. I think just trying to talk about it and maybe split up the things that seem to keep you from being able to sit down with him. Quite frankly though most men just don't get it. My hubby knows I am busy and he helps out when HE wants but he still doesn't like when I am rushing around trying to finish up the nessesary thing(not the I would like toos). Mine will help for a bit sometimes then be on the laptop, watching tv or reading while I am still trying to finish getting them to bed or getting them to finish thier jobs or whatever. I don't get hardley any down time and he does. It is not fair and I do have my own little pitty party at times. BUT What I have come to is that I can only do what I can do and if his down time is more important than helping me so I can have down time and time with, then if he complains it is his issue and not mine. I try and give him as much time as I can. Just try and talk about it now before it really eats at you. Take my word on that. It doesn't get easier if you don't!
Blessings!

K. B

Hello M.,

I think everyone feels the same way as you at some point. I am a single mother, working and in school. I try to keep a schedule, or give a time slot for things that need to be done. If I can't get to it though, I do not stress myself. If a basket of laundy sits for a couple days, so be it. But I have made things harder for myself by cooking a balanced dinner every night. Sometimes I will do left overs or something easy. That gives a little more time at night. I also read my daughter 3 books, then its bedtime. No ifs, ands or butts. I dont stay in there with her until she falls asleep (I feel its kinda coddling), and I do the dishes, housework etc, while she is in her room 'reading' herself to sleep if she chooses to. Tell your husband to do something, it should be 1/2 and 1/2. He can do some chores while you put them down, or make him put them to bed every night while you clean up. Then you have time together. Its not fair for you to be doing everything all the time.

First of all, it sounds like you are a great mom and wife, and kudos to you for handling a busy life as well as you have. I am older now, but wiser with it, having raised five children, worked, etc. If your husband helps you a lot, you are one of the lucky ones, but if you need more of his help than he's given thus far, do not hesitate to ask him for it. Men do not think the same way we do; they usually have to be told what we want them to do. While us women have a touch of mind reading ability, men do not have any of that. Give him a list of what you need him to do, share the chores equally as you can -- after all, you BOTH work, not just him. You BOTH have children, not just you. Men tend to think that since they fix things that need fixing in the house, the wife is "in charge" of most everything else, but this is a myth they have seen played out in their own childhood homes usually and if left unchecked, of course they are willing to perpetuate it. But that was then and this is now. Times have changed. Us wives have to retrain them. Your help, the help you need to have time to spend with him alone, is him -- that guy sitting on the sofa thumbing through magazines and playing on the laptop. He is your resource, so tap into it. You are not getting enough sleep, sounds like you have no down time just for you, and it is no wonder you are starting to have a little resentment. Do NOT feel guilty for asking him for more help than he's given so far. You can reward him for it in your newly found free time that he will help to create! And one thing every successful and happy mother I know has always done is to have at least a few hours a week, preferably all at one time, that is just for you to go out of the house, window shop, ride a horse, ride a bike, go to exercise class, play bridge with friends, take a nap, do something that is just for you and not for family, even if it's just to have a nap once a week. He also should have a few hours to do the same. Even if all you can do is squeeze one hour a week apiece for alone time, that is fine. Just so you have some kind of rest time once a week, both of you. If you spend that alone time with each other without the kids, that's okay, too. No chores, no kids, just an hour or two a week. All work and no play will make you physically sick eventually. Remember that time with our loved ones passes and is gone forever, but housework never goes anywhere. Prioritize, organize and utilize that loving husband! Good luck.

Hey!

I don't have many words of advice, but only to say that I remember being where you are right now. My first was two when my second was born and right about the time my second was four months I was really ready to throw in the towel. It gets so much better when the baby can sit up and take a bath with your older child and you can start to be more efficient. You are just in a tough place where everyone is not eating the same foods, sleeping on the same schedules, or bathing at the same time. My husband and I went through a similar time and I pointed out to him that this life hadn't changed that dramatically with one or two, and that now it really was. I kept trying to do things as though I only had one child and it's just harder with two, particularly the time period where you are. My solution (if you can call it that) was really to just let some things go for a little while. Laundry did not always get put away (particularly after 8:30 at night). We ordered food in or made a pizza in our own kitchen a night or two a week, and baths didn't happen every night. I also became a big fan of "playing possum" and letting my husband get up with the baby every other night (this worked for us because I was pumping). You need to give yourself a break and try to enjoy this time just a little bit. It does get so much easier in about 8-10 weeks, I promise.

Happy Holidays!

D.

M. - I cannot tell you how many times I have felt the way that you are feeling. I can tell you that it will pass! I am the mother of 2 adult children and have worked full time since before they were born. I would suggest that you pick the few things that must be done and do those. The house does not have to be spotless - let some of the clutter go! It is hard - I have been there stressed out and screaming. The relationship with your husband is the most important thing! You need to work on and cultivate that first, then do the same with your children. I would someitmes hire a neighborhood girl to come over while I was home so that I could work on some things in the house. This could be someone that is not really old enough to babysit, since you will be home. It would also cost a little less since she was younger. It's amazing what you can get done in an hour - with you and your husband cleaning and someone watching the children - then you would have time with each other. Just remmeber that this will pass! I wish you the best!

Hey M.,

Great question! I couldn't figure it out for myself. So, rather than trying to juggle it all - which looked impossible, I decided that I would stay home until the kids were both in elementary school. My daughter is 6 and my son will be 3 in January. I work from home, very part time, but it helps financially and I love what I do. Just last year I had a client who had children the same age as you do and she was asking the same question. She worked for a very large corporation near Chicago. She was completely not prepared for motherhood nor was she prepared to juggle everything in her life. Her relationship with her 3 year old was horrible and she felt so disconnected from her baby boy. Together we worked out a plan that brought her a lot more sanity without her feeling like she had to become a full time stay-at-home mom nor a full-time working mom. She's much happier now. If you need to talk, I offer a free get-acquainted parent coaching call. Visit my website and let me know,

R.
www.noblemother.com

I know what it's like! It will get easier, but taking the time to have a talk will certainly make that happen sooner, and help to stem off any resentment that could be building. You likely still have hormones raging, pair that with lack of sleep and NO downtime...that spells edginess, and rightly so. It always helps us when we work together...folding and putting laundry away together, doing dishes together, some evenings HE puts the kids to bed, it might not be alot, but it is time spent together and working together is great time for talking too. Also, if he's on the computer or flipping through magazines, it may feel as though he's not available. When you sit down he needs to let you know that he's glad to be with you - which means he needs to put the distractions away. More help from him will give you more down time, which you can enjoy with him. It will get better as the kids get older! Hang in there! Peace and Blessings!

M.,

I know how you feel, full time working mom myself here. My husband is very loving also, but sometimes you just have to stand up and say 'I need a little help.' Don't try to do it all yourself, it's impossible. Let hubby help with bathing baby, putting the kids to bed etc. Do your laundry a little at a time so it doesn't pile up on you all at once. Also, do it with hubby. It's sort of a throwback date from highschool when Mom agreed to let boyfriend come over but you had to finish putting away your clothes. The differnece now is he already pretty much knows what all your panties look like.

Eat leftovers for dinner once or twice a week during your work week and leave all the chores you possibly can for your days off. Then, when the weekend arrives, do them in chunks. Be prepared to accept that your home will be an absolute mess at times and there will be days you will just have to go to sleep and forget about it. Clean tomorrow.(also, I figured out which chores my husband is willing to do and did best and I just leave them for him. I know he'll do it when he gets around to it and it saves me a lot of nagging. For instance, I haven't vaccumed the house once since we moved in together. However, I am always the one to clean the toilet. It may be more icky but it takes less time and I see that as a fair trade).

Schedule your down time. Just like you would any other appointment, say to yourself 'self, I'm spending most of wednesday night on the couch' and do it. Also, treat yourself as often as you can, if it's nothing but repainting your toes yourself in front of the TV. It'll help you feel better about yourself, and having time to ourselves makes us a better partner in our marriage. Also eat out once in a while (I know, I know it's expensive, go to your local grocery store and order something from the deli. Plenty of food at a reasonable cost). It saves you cooking and leaves you free to enjoy yourself and your husband.

Hope this helps.

J.

P.S. need some help getting hubby to pitch in more? I leave a list of what I want to get done in one weekend out on the kitchen counter. That way, he sees it, knows I can't possibly finish it all in 2 days and checks a couple things off for me. Works every time.

Many responses seem to be that your husband needs to help more. I wouldn't say that. I too am a full time working mom but of five kids (ages 2 - 14). My day starts at 6:30 am and ends at 1:00am. My husband and I spilt all household chores 50/50. Sometimes he too complains that we don't spend enough time together and sometimes I'm the one doing the complaining. But we both understand that if we want to raise our children the way we are then it's a bit of a sacrifice on our parts sometimes. The kids will grow and move out but we will still be together.

M.,

It sounds like you need to have a heart-to-heart with your DH to get his help around the house in the evening. That would allow you to get some of those daily chores done earlier in the evening, so the two of you can spend a little time together each night. Being a mom and a wife is a delicate balance, which takes work to be good at both at the same time. Sometimes I think, though, that we put too much pressure on ourselves to be so "perfect" that we forget to put as much effort into being a wife as we do a mother. In order to fit that time in with your DH, some nights you just have to say screw the laundry or vaccuuming. Honestly, the only chore I do in the evening after my 9-month old is in bed is dishes and maybe one load of laundry. Everything else I save for the weekends. Reason: My DH, who is in the military, is "away" for work right now. It's just me and my little guy holding down the fort. In order to not get overwhelmed by working 40 hours a week, taking care of my little man alone, handling all housework by myself, and worrying constantly about my DH, I have to have an hour or two of down time to just relax. Sure, I desperately need to dust my tv stand and endtable right now, but my sanity is more important at this moment. This is true for you too. Your marriage is more important than making sure the house is clean every single night. Get your kids to bed by 8-8:30 and only do what is necessary. Then, get cozy with your DH:)

K.

Good news!!! It gets better. Suggestion: Ask him to help out a bit more so you can spend time with him and then see what he says. When he opens up the laptop ask him to help you so you can get your task finished in time to spend some time with him. When my husband started reaching for me I started complaining about my back and being so tired. I even went as far as asking for a house keeper and things changed. You might also want to plan an emergency away from home so he can handle things for a change and then he will appreciate what you do. Stay gone for a couple of days and watch his attitude.:-)

When my son was 18 months old and I was working, I heard a woman who was the head of the feminist movement in the 60's (can't remember her name) on a talk show. She said, "Look ladies, one thing I learned was that I was right and I was wrong. We can have it all (I was right), but not at the same time (I was wrong)". How could we expect to the emotional and physical pillar for our families and children, and be the driver through the glass ceiling at the same time? They are both way more than full time jobs.

You and your husband need to understand that you can only be so much. If you cannot change your lifestyle to enable you to be the emotional and stable parent (there are not judgements here, just basic common sense), someone has to give - and it should not be the kids, they are the dependants brought here and demand your needs and attention. Would there be a way for one of you to be home, or both of you to change to carreers that give heavier flexibilty?

Having young kids is tough. Period. Having young kids when you are working two full time jobs is very tough, acknowledge that you are trying to do both the best you can. Find out what can change. Don't assume that brick walls are solid. Something can change to allow you to enjoy the most precious years you can possibly have with your kids.

Hang in there and know that many of have been there and made different choices to get through. The struggle will lead you to the right direction. Leaving my job was one of the hardest things I have ever done. And, sadly, something I thought I could never walk away from is not missed at all. Yes, I miss the paycheck, but we figured it out, and would not change a thing. Other have made other changes - but you cannot drive yourself into the ground -costing you your health, your marriage, and your best years.

Sincerely, J.

Have husbnad do more and if youcan let the luandry go for a extra day if possible