Need Opinions on a Stupid Matter

Wash dishes as you produce them. I really couldn't imagine not cleaning the kitchen every day. You must have a lot of dishes! That's also disgusting.

I rarely sit down and relax. I clean and do household stuff every morning and night. I vacuum, put things away, do laundry, etc.

You really should read up on fly lady. You can maintain a clean house by doing a little bit everyday.

As to fairness, I don't get separate bank accounts. Since he cooks every night, it seems fair that you spend 45 minutes cleaning every night, doing dishes, etc.

It isn't about who makes what, it's about finding a balance that takes care of everything that all parties agree too. Only you two can determine that.

Everyone uses the dishes so everyone helps with the dishes.
How difficult is it (for everyone) to put things into the dishwasher as they get used and then run it when there's a full load?
When ever it's finished, (everyone) put the clean dishes away so the washer is clear to load with dirty dishes again.
There's something to do housework wise everyday - but you (and Hubby and kids (if any)) can do something in 15 or 20 minutes per day and then do other things.
My neighbor had difficulty between Hubby and teens keeping up with the dishes, so she got rid of the dishes and uses paper plates and they just throw them away instead of washing them.

http://www.flylady.net/d/br/2013/04/10/kitchen-sink-procr...

When I worked 4 days a week, I did the big cleaning on my day off, like the bathrooms and laundry and such. But it was, and still is now that I work 5 days a week again, my husband's job to do the dishes every day. I cook, he does the dishes. On the one night a week that he makes tacos, I do the dishes.

It doesn't matter who makes more money, that makes no sense. You're both contributing to the household. He always has done all the vacuuming, I think I've used his Dyson twice in the 6 years we've owned it. He also usually does the dusting, because I hate it.

First of all, work is work, it doesn't matter whether you make $5 an hour or $200. Those are hours you're not home.
Second, a marriage is a partnership, not a tit for tat, keeping track of who makes more or does more. Don't fall into that trap/habit, neither one of you will ever be satisfied because life is never 100% fair or equal. There will be times you do more, and times he provides more, but if you are committed to each other it all evens out in the end.
As far as the housework? Save the vacuuming, dusting, mopping for the weekend, but the dishes? I'm sorry but dirty dishes piling up all week is gross. That's how people get roaches. I think you can spend 10 to 15 minutes after dinner getting your dishes done, especially since he's cooking! Your family deserves to live and eat in a clean kitchen every day. What if he felt like sitting on the computer and relaxing instead of cooking dinner, wouldn't that seem selfish to you?
Sorry, but taking care of a home and family is a full time job, I don't know ANY parents, working or not, who get their evenings completely to themselves. I haven't lived like that since I was single, over 20 years ago.

Your posts are very disconcerting to me. I have been married over 30 years. I could not imagine keeping score like you and your husband do.

I could never let dishes sit for a week. This is NOT good housekeeping for anyone, man, woman or child.

You need to pool your money together. My car payment before we got married became our responsibility once we got married.

You ask if it is fair that you get some relax time. Yes. It is totally reasonable to get that time, after the house is picked up. I cannot imagine having dishes in the sink, dirty clothes not washed, or anything else like that while I was trying to relax. I would tense up just thinking about it.

My marriage has lasted all these years because we respect each other. We do not keep score. We do not base chores or anything based on how much income we bring into the marriage. There are years we have made lots of money and years we were scrimping, those were the early years, we learned to budget, save and made it work.

You do know that minimum wage is $7.25 an hour, right? My kids babysat when they were younger (they are now all grown and moved out) and charged $10 up to $20 (if they had 3 kids). You are cheating yourself if you believe that you are only worth $5 an hour.

Please read the responses below. Go look at your posts as if you were your best friend. Would you not be concerned about what you are writing? What would you tell your best friend if she were writing these questions?

Marriage is a partnership. It is not a game. You do NOT keep score.

Equal, is everyone doing their part when they can. Here is the thing, it makes no sense to let messes go. Cleaning as you do things (like cooking and eating) takes a matter of minutes. I work from home, and stay at home with my son. My husband sees a small mess, and picks it up. Why? Because, I pull my weight. If I wasn't pulling my own weight and contributing, he would feel resentment over working all week, and having to do this. Messes are not hard to pick up a little at a time. You don't have to come home and deep clean the house. Come home, spend 30-45 minutes picking up toys, loading the dishwasher, wiping counters, and whatever other maintenance things there are. Then, you have the rest of the evening.YES, I do think you shouldn't not do anything when you get home. Cleaning one day a week, is not enough. You would not need to clean for hours and hours on your day off, if you did the little and quick things when you got home.

I'm not even going to get all into that, because I think the REAL problem is the separation within your marriage. I think keeping score has ruined many a marriage. Between this question and your borrowing money question, it sounds like you guys need an overhaul. He makes this, you make that. You pay this, borrow money for that. He pays this. You work this, so you clean that. I make more, so you do that. Really? A marriage can't happily operate like this. Seriously consider, that you never became a WE. You are a ME and YOU, who does this and that. Dangerous territory, sister.

ETA: This isn't a stupid matter. This is a symptom of a problem.

There is no judgement in this, just concern,

You say this is a stupid matter, but your posts are starting to add up about how you are really feeling, You may not realize it but your frustrations/vents are actually resentment.

You and your husbands "tit for tat", is not the way successful marriages work. This is beginning to fall apart for the two of you.

I highly encourage the 2 of you to get some counseling. The 2 of you need a person to listen to both sides and then help you communicate with each other.

In the meantime. I suggest the two of you sit down and discuss what exactly this relationship is based on. Review that it seems this original marriage agreement is becoming too lopsided and you are becoming more and more stressed , frustrated and angry.

Then listen to what he has to say and figure out a compromise ,

You are pregnant?
You are exhausted?
You feel frustrated?
What are you going to do about all of this? YOU need to decide what it is you need, want. Then you need to decide what you are willing to compromise on and what you are putting your foot down about.

$5.00 an hour? $200 a week? Is this worth your time, gas, exhaustion and stress? I am going to guess, you are worth way more than $5.00 per hour.. Can you just stay home and work on your photography and take care of your son? This way there would not be all of this running around. You probably would save money in the long run.. Have your husband pay the car payment.. The cars belong to all of you..

Our daughter in high school was charging $8 to $10. per hour to take care of kids during the summer. If it was 2 children it was $12. per hour. Surely there is someone looking for good help that would be willing to allow you to take your child along.

I do not care who makes the most money. I do not care how many children you have.. Having a family, home and a marriage is never 50/50 for child care, home care, time devoted to the family..

It is each person being an adult and doing what needs to be done when you see it. Not a score board..

How much someone makes is usually the fall back data point for the person who makes more. I know you want to believe that it is your idea but I doubt that. Equal is equal, it goes by time, and what you do, not how much you make.

The problem with the I want to relax argument is they house is a mess. Everyone, well not your son, should clean their own dishes. The bonus with that is you stop to consider, does my roll actually need a plate of it's own. :) If your husband cooks, you get the pots along with your dishes. You cook, he does the dishes.

Cleaning can always wait till your day off, messes should not. It is gross, attracts bugs, and it is gross!

Why do the dishes stack up for a whole week? That's pretty nasty...dishes take 10 minutes to do. Granted it's a chore most people don't like, it's a quick one and makes a big difference. I can't imagine only doing dishes once a week, even when it was only my husband and I.

It takes 5 minutes to run a vacuum, two minutes to sweep, give yourself (or your husband) 30 minutes per day to do a quick clean-up and the house will stay presentable. I swear if I didn't have kids there would be very little clutter...but also they do a lot of help with chores.

You guys should go to counseling to work on issues of "fairness" - that's not what a marriage is about AT ALL.

First, I think the dishes need to be done daily. I can't believe that you would actually let the dishes go for an entire week.

I hate to say it, but this is a question from a younger mom/couple. Us grandma's we KNOW that a woman's work is never done and we rise to the occasion.

There are constantly women on this board who are asking "is this fair" regarding what they do. Come on ladies! We are the stronger sex. Stand up and cook dinner, do the dishes, take care of your child, AND love your man! I'm not saying hubby's shouldn't help - they most certainly should. But quit comparing what you do vs.what they do and asking is it fair.

Fair is a place I do not go in the summertime because it's too crowded and too hot. It has no place in a relationship!

I can only talk about my marriage. We pool all our resources together. We are a team. We win, we loose together.

When I was a SAHM, I wasn't bringing in a "paycheck" but I was providing a service for our family. My husband asked me one day what I did so I told him. Later that evening, I did research and presented him with the cost of the services I was providing and what he would have to pay should I leave. It came to roughly $160,000 a year. Yeah, that made him sit up and think!

Everyone needs down time, but what you are talking about is more than down time. There is NO reason for you to not do the dishes after the meals. To put a load in the washer/dryer. And that goes for your husband as well. Just because you aren't bringing home as much money doesn't mean that you aren't contributing to the success of the family.

I think y'all need to sit down and discuss your expectations of marriage. Is it a partnership or are you roommates?

I remember you now! You posted recently about having to "pay your husband back" for the new tire or something like that you needed for your car. I think like that situation, most of us just don't get this arrangement that you and your husband have, not saying its "wrong" but just not sure it's the "norm" so it's hard for most of us to understand and relate. I am a stay at home mom so technically, I don't earn any money. But my husband does not see the money he earns as just "his", frankly, he has no idea what or how much I spend and never ever has he questioned me about it. We are a team and don't have a yours and mine, it's ours. It's hard for me to understand how you guys have "your bills" and "my bills". that beautiful profile pic you have shows that you guys made a pact, you are no longer me and you, but are "us". Your bills are his bills and his are yours, there should be no score keeping. But....if it works for you, who am I to tell you otherwise (although I suspect it isn't exactly "working" or else you wouldn't be asking these questions recently.

Anyway, about the housework, yes, you should be doing the dishes every day. Sorry, but the nightly reading and writing has to wait. Those are pleasures but must come AFTER your responsibilities are met. Since you guys like to make arrangements then I suggest you set up a schedule for your nights/my nights....but it needs to get done.

1. It's pretty equal, but it doesn't matter. Because you're in a position to get chores done and he's not. So they shouldn't just go undone.

2. In our home, with a few rare exceptions, relaxing and having a good time happens after chores are done. It sets a bad example to procrastinate.

Clean up right after you make the mess. It's much easier that way. Put things back where you found them. Clean the dishes. Put things away. Do it right then and you'll find things to be less stressful. Expect the same of your husband.

ETA: You need to stop keeping score on everything. Both of you. All of your money should be going into one account, and all the bills should come out of that account. It shouldn't matter how much each person is putting in. And there are not "paybacks" or "mine" and "his." Marriage is about God, sharing, loving, and trusting. There are some elements missing.

ETA2: V., how on EARTH can you not afford childcare for one child? You and your husband are making $52,800 a year. I was able to put TWO boys in very high quality childcare on FAR less than that, and still able to pay all the bills and blow money on stupid stuff. What are you doing with that money?

AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Are you still clinging to the hope that work is divvied up fairly in every home? That's rich!

Seriously, in our house, when something needs done, we do it.
My dishes are done and kitchen cleaned up daily. We both sometimes push aside our "me" time because in our house is clean, neat & in order, things run smoothly and everyone is happier.
It's just not in MY DNA to go to bed with a (let alone a stack!) of dirty dish in my sink. Can't do it. Can't even guess at a time where I left dishes until the next day, save maybe a roaster pan "soaking" in the oven overnight.
Look, your life is YOUR life.
You're looking for 3rd party opinions, but I'll offer some advice: stop keeping score. Marriage is 50/50 SOME days. Some days it's 90-10 and some days it's 40-60....KWIM?
If you both always try to do MORE than 50%, you'll have a happy life!

Wow, so many red flags I don't even know where to begin.
I'm sure you've gotten lots of advice already, but I must take issue with the fact your husband is able to come home and prepare dinner but you can't be bothered to do the dishes? I'm trying to imagine a week's worth of dishes in the sink and it just grosses me out.
We come home, have dinner, clean up, relax, play with our kids, do homework, baths and reading, we don't get any real "me" or "us" time until the kids are settled down for the night. That's when we talk, read, watch TV and go on the computer.
We wake up to a clean, not spotless, but CLEAN, kitchen every day.
Maybe you have different priorities than me (and many others I'm sure) but the kind of home and family life you're describing here sounds disconnected and depressing.

If you're coming home and tunnel vision onto the computer and he's coming home and cooking..... WHO IS INTERACTING WITH YOUR CHILD (soon to be children).

This is not a family. You BOTH need to work to make this a family.

I think there is a point where one spouse can play the money card.... but it's CERTAINLY not at $900 per week. Donald Trump can tell me he isn't going to clean..... but he makes enough to hire a staff. And he's certainly working more than 40 hours per week!!!!

You guys are living in the wrong mindset. I have 2 divorces under my belt that stemmed from a lack of ability to be partners. You're headed down a horrible path. And that is sad for your son, who is not learning to be a husband or what to expect in a good wife. And your new child who is not learning how to be in an interdependent (rather than independant) familial relationship.

To specifically answer your question.....
Yes, you should come home and clean. FUN and PERSONAL growth/enjoyment/relaxation only happen when the work and the things that benefit the FAMILY are completed. So- MY fun.... that happens after my daughter has gone to bed and all the dishes are done and the kitchen floor is clean and the laundry is done. If my husband stopped doing his share then *I* pick up the slack..... because keeping a family is what I signed on for. Then, he and I have a chat..... and vice versa. If I stop doing the tasks that I normally do.... then HE does them. It's not tit for tat. It's "here are the things that must get done every day.

I think a visit to a marriage counselor is the best route for your family.

Who shops? Who plans the meals? If H shops and plans the meals then you ought to wash dishes. If its a co-effort, then both of you ought to make sure that kitchen is clean before you leave it.

1. It's a pain but necessary for your health and safety.
2. Grow up, you two!

You're married. You can't make it fair. It simply isn't - because marriage isn't a competition. It's a partnership. It sounds to me like your marriage is lacking this essential ingredient. You've set it up like a business. So, my opinions:

1. Who the heck cares if you make more or he does? That's just lame. The person who makes more can't hold that over the other person's head. You both work, and you both contribute to the best of your abilities.

2. Why don't you have joint finances? You're MARRIED. That means it's for good. Put all of the money you both earn -- from all of your jobs -- in one pot and pay the bills out of it. Whatever is left over is for both of you to spend.

3. I wouldn't be OK with all of the dishes and cleaning being done on one day. It would be a change of routine, but I suggest that one person cooks and the other cleans after work each day. Just the basics - but make sure the dishes get in the dishwasher and that major spills are cleaned up. Then you can tackle the bigger tasks like vacuuming on your day off.

4. Sounds like you have a lot of things you like to do - photography, reading, editing, writing, etc. Those are wonderful hobbies... but your house chores should be done first. Your family needs to be your first priority, so work on being a team and getting things done together before you focus on your own "likes". My two cents is that your marriage will last a lot longer if you do that.

5. One last thought. You're working 40 hours a week for $200? I assume that's after taxes, cause it's only $5/hour. How much do you pay for daycare? You may want to sit down with a calculator and count up how much you're spending on meals out while you work, gas to/from work and daycare, and determine if it makes sense for you to be working, or if your family (all of you) would be better off if you stayed home with your son, and maybe focused on your photography business on the side.

Good luck!

PS. Just read your SWH. $5/hour is highway robbery, even if you're a nanny and you get to bring your child with you. People pay high school babysitters more than that. How much would you be making if you had a non-nanny job? If you add that up you might be able to afford childcare. Or you'll see that you need to look around for another nanny job. The ones near me where the nanny brings her kids pay at least $10/hour.

Part 1: I think it's pretty nice that your husband cooks after he comes home from work. I tend to think that, since you both work, whoever doesn't cook should do the dishes. And the dishes should be done before you go to bed that same day. It's unsanitary to constantly leave them in the sink for days. You don't want to invite bugs or rats into your home.

Your photography business is more of a hobby than a paying job if the money you make isn't contributing to the household expenditures. And as such, the time you spend editing photos should be considered leisure time.

Part 2: You should read, write, and edit photos after you make sure the stuff that needs to get done around the house is finished. It's so easy to let time slip away from you (believe me, I am guilty of this) when you are reading or farting around on the computer. If you have time to relax and browse the internet, then you should have time to get dishes done and clean a little.

That's my outside opinion on the division of labor between you and your husband. And because you didn't ask for it ;-) here is my opinion on the division of finances. The way you describe your share of the bills, it sounds like you don't share finances. Does your spending money only come from your job? He gets to spend whatever is left over from HIS job after he pays HIS bills? That sounds a little off-balance to me.

You shouldn't divide household tasks based on income. Hours, maybe. You both want to relax when you come home from work, obviously. But that doesn't work when people have to eat and a child needs care!

The household expenses should be combined and paid out of 1 account, with both parties contributing to that account. I don't understand why 1 person pays some bills and the other person pays others. My husband and I have separate checking accounts for certain things and I highly recommend it. If you can't work that out between you, then get a third checking account for household bills, and then you each have a small checking account for your own purchases (the other person's birthday gifts, manicures or golf dates, whatever). I have friends who do that (she also has a child from a previous marriage so her own account handles his expenses). In your case, the joint household account would pay the rent, groceries, insurance, phone and other utility bills, supplies, vacations and child-related expenses.

Do the dishes every night. Make it your time together. He cooks and puts away leftovers, you do the dishes and talk about your day together. Otherwise, he cooks, then everyone clears the table (including your child who can do SOMETHING no matter how young), and then you do dishes while your husband bathes and puts your child to bed, or plays with him since you had him at work all day. If you do dishes every day, they won't pile up and it won't be a chore. You absolutely cannot leave them for a week - food residue builds bacteria, caked-on stuff is harder to get off, and you are teaching your son not to clean up after himself.

You both work 40 hours a week, so I don't know why cleaning is YOUR job unless your husband makes up for it with other things. 40 hours is 40 hours, regardless of the schedule. So on your "day off" you have child care, right? I would set aside some weekend time on a schedule for your photography business, and have another day for family time and relaxation. If you really schedule your reading, writing, computer and editing, you'll have a lot more time free. If you just do a little every night, it doesn't seem like you have much time, you know?

You could also schedule some cleaning together if that works with your child. If your child naps, that's a good time for you and your husband to take on cleaning - my husband and I vacuum and dust together, go through the piled up mail and send the bulk of it to recycling, etc. We also grocery shop together a lot of the time. He does more laundry than I do. I do more cooking. If you have a washer/dryer in your apartment or even downstairs (vs. an outside laundromat), put in a load of wash when you get home while your husband is preparing dinner. Put it in the dryer after dinner while you are doing dishes. Then sit together on the couch after your son goes to bed, and sort/fold together while you talk about your respective days. Even a young child can learn to sort and fold clean socks, or can help sort dirty laundry by whites/colors. Get him involved early so you don't raise a new generation of people who don't keep up with the chores.

If I understand you, you work 40 hours a week in 4 days and make $200 a week? So you make $50 a day for 10 hours each day, so you net $5 an hour??? That's an awful lot of hours for little income - you might rethink that.

You both want to relax when you come home - understandable. Not realistic. If you spend more time together, you won't be at odds over whose responsibility things are - they just go faster with 2 people.

I'm more concerned that the 2 of you think that half of the car insurance is yours and half is his, you each have your own cell phone bill, etc., rather than seeing these expenses as combined family expenses that you choose, as a couple, to incur. You are also being evaluated by your hourly rate rather than the number of hours you put in. THAT'S what needs to be altered, I think, if you're going to have a healthy relationship. Bills are bills, regardless of whose name they are in. In our house, the phone is in his name, the electric bill is in my name, etc. - it has to do with who set up the account when we moved in. But it's not based on who uses the most! It's a FAMILY expense. So it's paid by the FAMILY checking account.

Oh my god, ick. Your dishes only get done once a week? Blech.
I used to work 40-50 hours a week as a nanny. I would bring my two kids with me and watch 1-3 other kids (depending on summer break and whatnot...all the same family). My husband worked 50ish hours a week at that time. Plus did some side work on the weekends.
We BOTH cooked, did the dishes, washed and put away clothes, bathed the kids, and helped clean up....every single day. Now, some days I would do more, and some days he would do more, but for the most part we did it together because we are a family.
Your relationship is weird. You split your pay and your bills and now you are trying to make sure that your relationship is 50/50. You will be divorced if you keep this up. Every relationship should be 100/100. You EACH give the most of yourselves to make your family work. If you are too busy counting up how many hours your each are putting into the family you are both miserable people.
L.

You are both wrong in all of this.
I have read other questions you have posted in the past and now this one. I'm going to sound mean for a second but I swear it sounds like you have a checklist on the wall where everyone tallies everything to make sure it's all "fair". The glasses of juice have to be put side by side to make sure they are equal and fair.
When you get married, and even more so when you have children, you become a team. Fair and equal is no longer important. Making sure everything for the family is paid for. Making sure the house work gets done in a timely manner.

We do separate chores to a certain extent, I do more of one thing in exchange for my husband doing more of another. But if something needs to be done and the other one is too busy or needs a little more downtime then the other takes care of it. It still has to get done and we work together as a team. Money is not his and mine. Money is ours. All things for the family get paid for first, this includes repairs to the cars etc. We do ask each other before spending any real play money. More as a courtesy instead of asking for permission. I am a stay at home mom so I bring in no income. I do a slightly larger amount of the things around the house because I am home. I also home school the 3 kids which is a full time job. When I was working, before we had kids, I actually made more than him. He was going to school full time and working full time. But money was still ours and we still did the chores around the house as they needed to be done, not determining whether how much I did or he did was 'fair" and never leaving things undone because one of us felt like the other did less so it wasn't fair.
I think it's immature to be leaving dishes piling up because it's "not your job". When you become an adult you have to sometimes sacrifice the "fun" to take care of your responsibilities. I would love to spend all my evenings doing nothing but playing on my computer or reading books! But you know what, I don't get to do that every night because I took on the responsibility of having a family and a home that needs constant care and feeding. That has to come first, then if I have time left over I get to do all those fun things. Yes, some downtime is needed now and again but there is a point where it becomes detrimental to a healthy home and family when everything else is neglected. You both should be taking care of things every night. It only takes a few minutes if it's dealt with every night after you get home vs saving it all up and killing yourself one day a week.
To begin with, try splitting it so every other night one of you is responsible for the dishes. Or even better, both of you do them together each night so they get done in half the time so you both have more free time. Every other day one of you takes out the trash. Every other week someone is responsible for cleaning the bathroom, and everyone is responsible for cleaning up their own messes the rest of the week.
I really think the both of you need some professional help and need to learn to grow up and be responsible adults.

I'm not going to tell you whether your arrangement is fair or not. Only you can decide that. However, I might encourage you to look at your whole marriage in a slightly different way.

In anthropology, there is a concept of short reciprocity cycles and long reciprocity cycles. A good example of a short reciprocity cycle is buying something from a store. You want a soda. It costs $3.99. You pay the storekeeper, you get the soda, the whole interaction is over in 2 minutes.

A long reciprocity cycle is something like a parent-child relationship. For 18-plus years, you care for your child. You bathe, feed, and love him. You change his diapers, sing songs with him, take him to the park and the zoo and to school. You make sure he does his homework and that he plays nicely with his friends. You teach him to not to be a sore loser in sports. You teach him to treat girls/women with the utmost respect.

Then, as you age, the reciprocity cycle flips. Your son makes sure you're visiting the doctor, and he reminds you to ask the doctor about those nagging aches and pains. He brings the grandchildren to see you, he puts your storm windows in. Still later down the road, he might accompany you to the doctor's office. He makes a whole set of difficult decisions -- maybe it's not safe for you to drive anymore; eventually, he may need to help you find a assisted living facility. A long, long, long time down the road, he'll be planning a funeral and choosing a burial plot.

But the whole time, no one owes anyone any money. No one is tracking increments time, of expense, and grief from the time you change his diapers to the time he (hopefully not, but maybe) changes yours. You repay each other in love.

All of which is to say, the more you can think of your marriage as a long reciprocity cycle, the happier you both will be. Rather than assuming you both have to do the same amount of the same household job, rather than factoring everyone's income into every decision you make, think of yourselves as a team. Don't track your hours, don't calculate your time relative to your respective incomes. If you're feeling overworked, underappreciated, and exhausted, don't try to figure out who owes what to whom. This isn't a business relationship. Instead, ask your husband for help. And he should help you, because love and help are foundations of each other. And throughout, on a daily basis, repay each other in love and gratitude. In the end, if you both do this sincerely, you both will "profit" -- you'll both get out more than you put in.

I am a SAHM. I haven't brought a paycheck home for over a decade. Really glad my husband does not keep score like yours.
Yes you are entitled to down time. As far a dirty dishes, can't you both work together to clean them nightly. Some chores need to be done daily IMO.

This seems like a really bizarre approach to marriage. You do this, he does that, you pay this, he pays that. Where's the family "team" mentality? I don't work and therefore my husband by default makes much more. I do most of the household chores in the daytime when I am here and I do the cooking, although he does the dishes and vacuuming (which I hate doing). We split taking care of the baby when we are both here (you don't say who is caring for your son while you are on the computer and/or he cooks). I think you need to sit down and throw out this weird agreement and just do what needs to be done together.

In my house, I make almost twice what my husband makes and we both work 5 days a week. I am also the one who has a second job because I have a marketable skill that pays many times what he would make at a second job so we can make more in less time with me working those extra evenings and weekends than we would with him.

That said...I still do most of the housework, despite earning more and working more, because hew just doesn't care whether or not things are clean and I do.

I honestly think that letting dishes pile up every evening because you only feel like cleaning on one day a week is disgusting and pretty lazy of both of you. Honestly, you're out of the house all day and have one kid. How much time could it possibly take to do the dishes after dinner? I'm not saying that it's your job or his, but there are routine tasks that should be done in a household every day and dishes is one of them.

If he's cooking dinner, I think it's fair that you clean up after dinner and do the dishes. Wanting to do nothing after work to a degree that you let dirty dishes pile up strikes me as very childish. We'd all love to relax after a day of work, but we live in the real world and that just doesn't happen - chip in and do 15 minutes of clean up after dinner.

I haven't read any of the other answers. Here's my take on the situation (and please don't take my tone to be accusatory or negative - I'm writing in an honest, straightforward way)

First, you both need to stop worrying about how much the other spouse does. It's NEVER equal in a marriage and one partner always ends up doing more than the other. It isn't fair, but it is what it is. You both need to make it your goal to do as much as you can around the house to keep things running smoothly.

Second, you both work 40 hours a week. He then comes home and cooks dinner. You should do the dishes every night, or at least every other night. You can't expect him to spend an hour cooking each night and then only do dishes one day a week. I totally get your side - I don't work and I still hate the dishes and want to spend my nights relaxing and doing stuff on the computer. But, I make sure to do the dishes so things don't get out of hand. Sometimes I skip a day, but never two or it just gets way too messy, dirty and gross. Have every member of the family responsible for putting their own dishes in the dishwasher immediately following every meal. This cuts out a lot of time. As soon as you're finished eating, just do the dishes and get them out of the way. On the days I do dishes before giving the kids a bath and putting them to bed, it's no problem. If I wait till the kids are tucked in, I almost never do them until the next day because I see my freedom and just want to sit on the couch!

Third, if your photography business isn't making money, you might want to put it on hold for awhile. If it's taking up a lot of your time and energy, but not proving to be worthwhile, it might be putting unnecessary stress on you and strain on your marriage. Keep it up as a hobby, but without the time commitment of a job. On the flip side, if you love doing it and really want to keep it up, you need to start charging your clients more. Bump your prices a bit for sitting/session fees and for prints/digital images. Don't raise prices so much that you lose business, but enough so that you're profiting and not putting it all back into the business. I was an at-home toy consultant for a couple of years and realized that I wasn't really making much money at all. Working took a lot more time and effort than it proved to be worth, so I put it on hold and haven't decided yet if I'll start selling again or not.

Next, consider combining your money and stop thinking about who pays for what. Put all of the money into a joint account and pay all the bills, food, car expenses, etc from that account. You can each have a small, discretionary account of your own, from which you make purchases without needing approval from the other. Maybe you each put 5 or 10% of your personal income into that account each month. Maybe you each put a set amount ($50).

Money, chores, and who does more are the biggest issues in most marraiges. I think if you sit down and talk, you can come up with some compromises that work for both of you. I hope everyone here gave you some helpful suggestions.

You really should be making minimum wage at the very least. Is there a nanny agency anywhere near you? If so, call them. Ask what nanny's in your area are usually paid. Re-negotiate with the family you work for or find a new family.

I'm a nanny and make a minimum of $15/hr plus benefits. I use an agency to find families.

Much bigger, much worse issues here than his fairness thing.

1. You are married to a score-keeper. People who are like this, who must have tit-for-tat about everything, are not good friends, much less good spouses. You thought you and he had an agreement; he seems to think otherwise. If he is score-keeping over dishes, he is probably score-keeping about other things in life too. And the "I make more money so you must do more housework" is antiquated and keeps you "in your place" as little wifey, whether you work outside the home or not. Someone else below suggested couples counseling. I second that. He needs a wake-up call. Real couples do not have "my bills" and "your bills." They have "our bills" and do not cry "unfair" when one spouse earns more than the other, but the "other" spouse has to pay for something. Look for free or sliding-scale counseling at women's centers or your local county or city mental health department or through local churches.

2. Why do you let your employers rip you off? You asked for honest answers, and I don't want to sound judging but honestly -- please wake up and see that you are being paid less than most teenage babysitters get, yet you are a nanny -- you have full charge of these people's most precious asset. You do not even make minimum wage. I bet they also do not report you as an employee because they'd have to do the right and legal thing then and let the IRS know you exist as an employee etc. I would at the very least demand from them some real pay; they are treating you like dirt -- no matter how much you may adore them or their kid(s), you are being paid so little it's not worth the gas money you spend to get over there. Yeah, they let you bring your child. But you are paying for the privilege by their docking your pay, it seems.

See Nancy's e-mail, below. It's time for a real job, or going back to school, or turning your side business into a real and viable business. Stop tolerating a "you need to do the housework because you make less" crud, and stop tolerating the terrible pay at your nanny job.

I echo Bug's sentiments. There is a bigger problem than any one item you listed, and that is the lack of union. In a good marriage, there is no such thing as "his job" and "her job". It's all stuff that needs doing and you both should be chipping in what you are able, whether that means effort or money or both. I didn't read any "we" in your post. It's all "his" or "I"... no "we."

Dangerous territory indeed.

I haven't read all the answers. I am sorry if this is repetitive, but here are my thoughts.

It's not about who earns more. It's about sharing work at home as a family.
So let's leave out the part that you earn much less than your husband .Only consider the work both of you get done and how busy you both are outside the house and while at home. Considering just that, your husband is doing much more than you - both at home and outside!

He works full day and comes home to cook everyday. You work full day and come home to relax and while your time away on computer?? It does not seem fair to M. at all... not one bit. Reading/writing/photography are your hobbies. Of course, you need to make time for your hobbies. But you definitely need to find a balance between that and house work. As parents, we can't have the luxury of spending all evening , every single day on our hobbies. So maybe do the dishes first and then after your kid sleeps, only then switch on your laptop.

And also, if you are on laptop all evening, who takes care of your kid? I am guessing the dad, because it's very difficult to do anything on the computer with a kid at home. Unless the kid watches TV all evening, which is definitely not right thing to do.

Also why do you clean just once a week? Doesn't make sense to M.. If you are too busy , I would say , do that. But computer is eating up all your time, it's just not fair to while away your time every single night. And let dishes pile up.And then, expect your husband to help out with dishes as well! In my opinion, you are being extremely lazy and computer has kinda become an addiction to you.

So my suggestion is, it should be fair to both of you. One cooks, one does the dishes. Both spend time with the kid, have dinner together. And after kid sleeps, you give time for your hobbies. Or that will be the time to relax. I think that's what most parents do.

And you have one day off each week, which is great. Your husband doesn't have the luxury of taking a day off every week. So please try to plan your time sensibly. Don't spend your weekly off cleaning all day. Take your child outside to the park or zoo. And maybe try to cook that day atleast once in a while and give your husband a break too from cooking. While the kid naps, spend time on your computer.

It's difficult to understand why you are expecting your husband to help you with your part of the chores(dishes) after you have done nothing all week and let dishes pile up. If he needs to do the dishes, then you need to help him cooking too. Wouldn't that be fair?

Your last lines - "I understand that this whole "fair thing" is stupid. It's him that wants the opinions" - is so NOT fair. You are being very selfish. You are expecting him to do everything and refusing to see from his point of view. You really need to cut down on computer time and also manage your time more effectively. I want to relax and do nothing - is not acceptable when you are married and a parent. Esp when your spouse is doing his share of work.

I'm sorry but leaving the dishes all week is nasty. That's like saying "hey bugs! Come into our house!" And if your doing 4 hrs of cleaning in one day, wow not to sound harsh but you all must be slobs. Tidy up a little every day and do the dishes and it will free up your day off. When my son was first born i worked 16hrs a day in a hospital but still came home and cooked, and made sure my house was clean. It doesn't take much effort to do the dishes at least. You both sound very childish, nothing sounds equal in your marriage. And that's just my outsiders opinion.

The only honest answer I can come up with here is couples counseling. Sorry.

I am a believer that everyone is happier if the dishes are done and the kitchen is clean before bedtime. All I can tell you is that money doesn't mean more effort, it's just money. What you are not 'earning' you are providing in childcare. So, let's say that the going rate for daycare is about $249 a week (this is from United Way and is the average, so we may not even be discussing high-quality care, which could be up to $450+, and which I am assuming YOU are providing your son). At the 'average', you are contributing $1000 a month plus the wage you make.

In any case, we could do the mental gymnastics of adding in the cost of a four-hour session of house-keeping as well each week, about $100 if your rates are the same as what one would pay a professional housecleaner around here. So, add $400. And then add $30 a night for his contribution cooking-- that's about the least we can get away with paying for a decent meal out.

Now-- throw all of this out the window. His income as well. The point of this is-- we can always try to stretch our brains to find out why our opinion is *right*-- but how does that affect our marriage? In our home, I am a SAHM for now. I do the childcare, the homework with Kiddo, (we do 'school' stuff year round), eye therapy exercises for Kiddo, vacuum, manage the gardens, take care of the cat (who is elderly and like a half-child), laundry, dishes during the day. My husband is a rock star (okay, in IT, but as a person, solid rock star) and makes enough to support us all.

I have yet to hear him designate his 'work' based on income as being worth more effort. He appreciates what I do and I appreciate what he does. We have systems in place that may not always suit us every single day, but they are *good* systems which ensure that the chores get done and that we are all taken care of. I might be home all day, doing housework, making meals-- and then after dinner, we switch off: one of us puts Kiddo to bed, the other does the dinner dishes. If Kiddo is dawdling or if one of us finds ourselves with a huge load of dinner dishes (and we don't have an automatic dishwasher)-- we help each other out. One of us will wash, one will rinse. It's actually a great time to chat and reconnect as a couple.

Some nights, when I'm making something which involves loads of pots and pans, I'll wash as I go so he's not stuck with a huge sink full of dishes at the end if it's his night. Sometimes, he'll give some extra help with bedtime if he sees I'm stretched so I just do the stories.

In short, we are a team. We help each other out. We are not constantly trying to make 'equal' agreements because if you have love and a desire to get it done, being in harmony as a family is more important than tit-for-tat, "what's fair". And really, very little in life is 'fair'. I tell my six year old this every single day.

Go to counseling. That's my only real advice. If you or your husband are getting hung up on what's fair and who's 'right'... you are putting the wrong things first in your marriage. Matrimonial harmony is so important to model for our children, and feeling completely respected within one's marriage is important too. FWIW, we didn't get to this point on our own; I was working full-time for the first 6 of our years together, and have worked part time, paid for child care, etc. as our life as a family has progressed. There is no right or wrong on this-- we all operate as families in the myriad ways which do work for each couple. The trick is to work together as a couple instead of each person pointing the finger and saying "well, I did X so now you do Y". In our house, we jump in and help each other out, because we know and appreciate how hard each of us works in our own tasks. Talk to someone and find out how to work as a team. It's so much better that way!

So you both work outside the home 40 hours per week (you do it in 4 days while he does it in 5 so your work days are actually longer, right?). While it makes sense to use your day off for cleaning, I think dishes should be done daily (taking turns). First of all, who wants a sink full of dishes and second if you are washing dishes on Friday that have sat since Monday your work is even hard than washing them on Monday.

Since you have the photography business, it would seem that you both work at least 5 days a week outside the home with you having more hours put in.

So while he's clearly the "bread winner" from a monetary standpoint, it would seem that you contribute just as much (if not more) in "sweat equality" AND you are still the primary (and full time at that) caregiver for your child. What does he contribute to the upkeep of the home?...does he help with your son in the evenings like bathtime and bedtime? You both work full time and you appear to still be responsible for the bulk of the household chores (if not all of them) and want your downtime in the evenings (as does he). Then your day off is spent cleaning and all week the house is a mess (which he's not liking). Is that a fair evaluation of the situation?

I would suggest two things: One is everyone "picks up" after themselves each day (in other words, put stuff where it goes so it doesn't "pile up" and any messes that happen are addressed when they happen) and the other is that dishes are done each night after dinner (can be a rotating schedule or just plain taking turns or even one cooks and the other washes the dishes). Then, your day off can still be spent doing the weekly cleaning but it shouldn't take you 4-5 hours. You can then enjoy your son and your hobbies. It will probably still leave you some time in the evenings because nothing will be too overwhelming.

**Wanted to add that just because you agreed to it BEFORE the schedule started, doesn't mean you are stuck with it for life. If it's not working, it's time to re-evaluate and find what works.

**After reading other responses, I want to say that I think you may be accepting of the $200 week ($5 per hour) because it is just 4 days a week AND you take your child with you. Taking your child with you may justify a slight discount or credit but first check what the going rate is and then see if maybe $7.50 (if going rate is $10) makes more sense.

First of all, what's with the score keeping? My husband and I are a team - if we see something needs to be done, we do it. Nothing is my chore or his. I'm at home, but I still will help him with things at work if he asks, and he helps with dishes and cleaning if I ask or if it needs to be done. I have an art business that he covers the kids on weekends so I can do. But we don't keep score.

Second, $5 an hour? Damn! Come work for me! That's a steal!

It doesn't matter who works more or who makes more, your a family unit. If you both would clean up after yourselves things wouldn't pile up.

There's only two of you plus one child, and while one child can make a mess not enough to have dishing piling in the sink. That's lazy. If you use a dish/glass wash the dish/glass when you are done. If he cooks you wash the pots and pans, if you cook he washes them. Only doing it one day a week makes no sense to me. Why would you want to spend 5 hours on your one day off cleaning when all it would take is 30 minutes a day to keep the house up? Before bed BOTH of your can spend 10 minutes tidying up the house. It's amazing what can be put away in 10 minutes.

This is really about personal accountability, be accountable for yourselves and the house should stay fairly clean.

You are a team and that means that sometimes one side does more than the other and vice versa. If you split your bills they should be split in a way that is proportionate to how much you make. He makes more than three times as you do, he should be paying that same percentage toward the bills. it isn't fair that he has all this money leftover and you have nothing.

As a photographer myself though I can tell from you post that you are not charging enough for your services. You should easily be able to double or quadruple your weekly salary if your skills are up to par. Also $5 is not enough an hour for you nanny services. That does not even meet minimum wage. Sounds like you needs to get some better jobs to help make. better life for yourselves.

And do your dishes every day. Letting them pile up be is gross. It also doesn't set the right example for your child.

If you both work outside the home, then you should both work INside the home. I don't think it's a good idea to "keep score" in a marriage. If something needs to be done, then the person that spots it can do it.

My husband works 40 hrs/week, but if he sees that the counter needs to be tidied he does it - I don't think it would even cross his mind to tell me to do it, even though I'm a SAHM. He knows I'm just as busy and tired as he is at the end of the day and respects my contributions to our family.

I don't know about you, but it takes me about 20 minutes to do our dishes. I'd rather spend that time doing it than wake up to a messy kitchen. But if *you* don't care about the dishes and *he* does, then maybe HE should be the one to do them. A little clutter in my house doesn't bother me - there are 5 of us in this house and it shows :) - but it drives my husband nutty. So HE will put stuff away that's bothering him.

Taking into account your other posts about money and work in your household I urge you both to start from scratch with a new life plan. You seem to be interacting more like college roomates then life partners (I don't mean sex of course just day to day life and money).

What works for us is everything of value we earn is OURS. All work and childcare to be done is OUR responsibility. If, over time, one person feels they are doing more then they can handle (usually that's me, it's in my nature to JUST DO IT) then we have a meeting and discuss.

Sometimes my guy needs a little "direction" around the house like "honey could you please take out the trash, start a fire in the fireplace, BBQ or blow the decks/driveway?" Sometimes (like this very morning) he just felt like doing the morning dishes and tidying the great room, how sweet!

In most of the families I know the woman "manages" the home and kid work and delegates as needed, often while working a bit too. Because that is so much work in itself most men I know work outside the house more and bring home money for the wife to distribute as needed and still help out an awful lot with kids and home.

One day a week for cleaning would never fly in our house, don't you like ENJOYING the clean? A little everyday is much easier to me.

One more thought and i don't mean to scare you but IT GETS HARDER from where you are in my experience. When you get to multiple children, mortgages and "big kid" messes and expenses things have a way of getting more complicated. Figure this all out now while things are relatively quiet.

You both work 40 hours a week. How much each of you makes for that 40 hours is irrelevant.
Why can't you both finish whatever cleaning doesn't get done during the week together on the weekends? Surely you're not doing photography all day Saturday and all day Sunday. Split up the chores and rotate them from week to week so no one gets stuck with the same job every time.
At my house, everyone who walks on the floor is expected to take a turn mopping it. Everyone who eats is expected to take a turn cooking and washing dishes. Everyone who wears clothing is expected to do laundry. Everyone who showers and shits is expected to take a turn scrubbing bathrooms.

Hmm. I agree with you - trying to keep it "fair" is completely ridiculous. I think as a married couple it's a little crazy to keep your money separate and keep track of him paying for certain things and you paying for certain things. You are a team, so all the money should go together and from it the bills get paid. I personally don't think it's right to designate the job of cleaning to one person and I don't think it's right to wait and do it all on one day. That is kind of gross and it just creates more work for you...it makes doing the dishes this huge huge task. I think you should help with cooking or take turns. I think you should both clean up the kitchen every day (or take turns). That should be an equal job between the both of you daily. One day a week can be your day for cleaning the bathrooms, mopping the floors, etc. Doing the dishes nightly does not take that long and will not take a ton of time away from you getting in some writing/reading/editing.

Haven't read any responses below....
You both should be doing dishes every day. No excuses for that nasty stuff to sit in the sink.
Being in a relationship with children means everyone helps out all the time. Even when you both work full time. If you are coming home and getting on the computer for hours on end, I imagine he is left to all childcare and house care, and meal prep? Doesn't seem fair to me...
Divide it up fairly so that you each do some cleaning every evening, and then you won't have to spend a whole day cleaning once a week.

It sounds like you have a very busy life! It's hard to juggle so many different things -- working, caring for a child, housework. As a full-time working mom, let me just say that working outside the home is A LOT easier than taking care of a child. My husband who used to work 60 hours a week before our daughter came along is now a stay-at-home dad caring for our 11 month old and he agrees. For this reason alone your husband should not expect you to do all the cleaning.

One helpful thing that I was told when I went through premarital counseling was that most people think marriage is 50-50, where each partner contributes 50% to the marriage. The reality is that it's hard to sustain a marriage that way for a long time without feelings of resentment, etc. What actually needs to happen is that each partner must put in their 100% instead of counting/keeping track of their "contributions," which are generally very hard to quantify and end up causing conflict. Are you giving your 100% and doing everything you can? Is your husband giving his 100% and doing everything he can? Or do you and/or your husband stop contributing once you think you've done your "portion," even though you have the ability to offer more?

Marriage is a partnership; it means no matter what the size of your paychecks, you should both pitch in as much as you can for the good of the whole family. Getting a bigger pay check doesn't excuse someone from giving their 100% even if it means they end up putting in more actual hours of work.

I say, if the level of cleanliness in your home is unsatisfactory for your husband or doesn't meet his expectations in some way, he needs stop complaining (if that's what he's doing) and do something about it! Everyone needs some downtime (some more than others) and in the end it will help that person be the better mother/father, husband/wife, [fill in the blank].

I sure wouldn't want to clean 4-5 hours on my one day off! How about sharing the cleaning and chores throughout the week, without keeping score?

This doesn't sound like a healthy road you're on...you sound like you're on opposing teams going tit-for-tat instead of being on the same team supporting easy other.
You pay for YOUR car payment, YOUR half of the insurance, YOUR cell phone bill....why is it yours and mine?

I think you need to work together, as a team to get things done. Think of the example you're teaching your son...

How about if you both clean up the dishes after you use them. If you dont have a dish washer, fill the sink with hot soapy water while your coffee is brewing, then wash your dishes when you're done eating. You can washer the dinner dishes together each night. Then you can both spend a few minutes each night cleaning up.
Practice the rules of:
If you open it, close it
If you dirty it, wash it
If you get it out, put it away
Etc., etc., etc.

Forget about coming home to read, write, edit photos or clean. If I were you, I'd go to night school and get a job that pays better so I wouldn't be dependent on a man like that. Or at least take some marketing and business classes to make your photography business profitable. You are right, the "fair thing" is stupid and now would be a good time to find a way out.

Part 1. I am confused if you are talking about chores or bills in regard to doing more since he makes more, but here it is broken out. Chores: No he doesn't do more because he makes more, nor should you do more because you make less. I think it is just a give and take. What you outlined sounds like a good arrangement, but if you find it isn't working any longer for one of you, sit down and agree on a new way of doing things. Bills: if he makes more $$ then yes, he is responsible for paying more of the bills so neither of you are completely broke. (I will tell you my husband and I have separate accounts, he really does pay for everything except my car, my gas, my student loans and anything related to the kids' care and feeding LOL) We are not alone in this. Many of our friends are the same way.
Part 2: I am a bit of a clean freak and dishes in the sink drive me NUTS. So do unmade beds, but I digress. Go ahead and spend 15 min cleaning each night. Weather dishes or a quick pick up. It'll make cleaning on your day off less exhausting. Actually there are these great little 15 min cleaning tip sheets you can download on pinterest. they are great!

Hope that helps. good luck.

Different people do there money / chores split differently. But dishes should be done daily. As should a general picking up of the house before going to bed. And your husband should be helping with those things. But so should you. It sounds like your photography thing right now is more of a hobby than an actual job. So yes you should be doing your family obligations first. Dishes cleaning etc. And if you spend a little time each day you won't have to spend all day.

I think if both parties are working equally or around equally the same amount of time the chores around the house should be shared as equally as can be. Doesn't matter who makes more or what.

If I were you, I'd be trying my best to get the chores I'm responsible for or feel obligated to do during my work days so that I could relax on that day off. This might solve the problem of the dishes getting built up all week.

I hear you on the not wanting to clean every day or at the end of a long day (I also work full-time and have two small kids), but... to me, washing or putting dirty dishes into the dishwasher, tidying up the kitchen, picking up the kids toys, even a load of laundry, are not cleaning - just upkeep to maintain order (which for me = sanity). You won't catch me cleaning toilets, sinks, floors during the week, but you also won't find a pile of dishes next to my sink :)

It is not a stupid matter. You each work 40 hours a week outside the home. Therefore you should each participate EQUALLY in the care/cleaning of your home as well as childcare. Unfortunately you made a really bad 'deal' before you started working outside the home. What would be right would be for you and DH to revisit the issue. How much money you make working outside the home is not really the point. However if I were you, I would either be looking for a much much better paying job or going back to school

I really don't see how the dirty dishes were ever just your responsibility and 'you should stop being petty'. It makes just as much sense to work from the assumption that the dirty dishes are your husband's responsibility and he should stop being petty. On the other hand, if he cooks every night, you really should do the dishes after each dinner. If you don't want to do the dishes every night - you cook and let him do the dishes. Or switch off days. Nobody should let dirty dishes sit in the sink for a week.

Have you found the cost of "cheap" childcare and subtracted it from the $900 your husband makes to see if it would net much more than $200 a week? That's one way to show your husband that while you're "only" bringing home $200/week, if you had his job and put your son in daycare, the net contribution wouldn't be all that much more. That's my first thought. My second thought is 40 hours a week isn't much for either of you... My husband worked 60-80 weeks when our kids were young. Not exaggerating. And we're well off financially. Everyone I know works more than 40 hours a week. That leads into my 3rd thought of - you can't do anything after working a 10 hour day? I worked that and came home and made dinner (I did, not my husband), did dishes and the house was always neat. Spend nights on the computer? My kids are 7 and almost 9 and I am happy to get 45 min of TV a night. Total. So I have to side with your husband. He could do more too but since he cooks, you do the dishes and straighten up. Maybe not real cleaning but keep the place picked up etc and then on your day off do the real cleaning. And yeah - it shouldn't be extreme at all but I'd keep in mind he makes a lot more than you do. Even after childcare he likely would be bringing home a fair amount more AND he does the cooking which many men do not do. I think he deserves to come home to a reasonably neat home without a stack of dirty dishes sitting there.

I think that both of you are adults and both of you live in your home. If you see something that needs to be done you both need to be a grown up and pick it up. Load the dishwasher as you go then run it when it's full.

Assign one person to do some chores.

I would absolutely choose to throw away the dishes and buy new ones each time if "I" had to do dishes by hand. So hubby is assigned to do the dishes. We still fought over the dishes all the time so I chose to start using throw away stuff. I buy paper plates, cups, plastic flatware, the cheaper the better. We don't fight over dishes any more because the only dishes there are happen to be whatever dishes we cooked in.

I hate doing the trash so hubby/kids have the duty of the trash. Kids gather it up and put it in the bigger trash can. Hubby hauls it outside.

I do laundry because I enjoy the fulfilling job of controlling the clothing in my home. I like hanging clothes so they don't look wrinkled and that's makes the family look nicer when we go out in public.

I like running the vacuum. If the floors are tidy then everything else sort of looks planned/less like it's dirty. More like it's just clutter and that it's being used. If the floors look clean and orderly the rest looks better.

I like dusting because it gives me the opportunity to straighten things like the trophy's and pictures on the piano, organize the what nots on the mantle, etc...

I don't clean the kids bedrooms. If they get done it's because hubby goes in and works on them with the kiddo's. I would go in and totally dump every toy box, every shelf, every nook and cranny of their rooms and totally go forward tossing everything that is too young for them. I'd do this every time I walk in so to save the fights and crying hubby goes in and is able to help them tidy their belongings and get them to take care of the whole thing.

I enjoy cleaning bathrooms. I hate the smell of pee. I've often been told you could eat off my bathroom floor but for GOD's sake, don't eat in my kitchen.......I really really really really hate doing dishes.....lol.

My point is this......I enjoy certain jobs, hubby doesn't mind certain jobs. Sometimes we both hate the same one and have arguments about it over and over and over until we reach a resolution or solution that makes it an easier job, such as paper plates and toss away flateware, then we can compromise and be less stressed out.

So discuss who can do 2 jobs each week. Big jobs. Like mowing the yard, laundry, dishes/cooking, trash, etc...small jobs can be done a couple of times per month. If you are not heathens the vacuuming can really be done a couple of times per month. If it's not totally building up where you can't see the shelves then dusting can be done once per month....see the idea?

Make a list of each job that has to be done daily (cooking), then bi-weekly (trash), a couple of times per month (dusting/mowing), and once every now and then (washing windows). Talk to him about how hard it is for both of you to maintain the home and how much easier it would be if you had certain jobs assigned that you accepted the job and committed to doing it.

Then you have to do it or all is lost.

paper plates i hate doing dishes too.

sounds basically fair to me. i myself couldn't stand to let the dishes pile up, though. i don't consider doing the dishes to be 'cleaning.' if he cooks every night, you should do the dishes.
other than that, your system sounds fair and workable.
khairete
S.

the amount you make doesnt matter...what matters is team work..plain n simple.your the parents,your the adults.try just cleaning up after each meal-that really helps,and organize your time better.i work 50-60 hrs a week,im single-no one to do it but me.kids are grown n gone,now ive got 3 dogs,4 parrots n a cat..no one to care for them but me-dirty dishes in the sink for a week? get a dishwasher..your going to attrack all kinds of nasty critters,mice,roaches,drain flies..which i dont think u want around do you? in the time it took you to post this,you couldve scrubbed down your kitchen.try this,cook a bunch of meat,seperate n freeze,pull out what u want daily,nuke it with a side dish.use paper n plastic.walaaa no messes to clean.bottom line YOUR BOTH RESPONSIBLE!!!!! and your child shouldnt be living in filth.

I think that it's okay to substitute family time or down time for cleaning. Your house is not going to up and fly away just because the sink gets full. You can't predict when you'll need the down time or when certain family moments will happen.

We both work, he cooks, the kids go to bed, and then I start cleaning the kitchen, and the toys and things, and if the floor is dirty then I clean the floor too - we have a dog and a cat. I also walk the dog in the evening, he does it in the morning. With that, I go to bed between 12 and 2 am - the kids go to bed by 10:30. Sometimes while I clean I have the TV on too.

I think that if you are ok with him cooking every evening, then you should clean after that. If you cook, then he could clean. Or you both can cook and clean on different days.

I understand it's difficult coming home from work and do different work right away. But also, people want to come home into a clean environment, and not to a mess, and, "fair" point aside, men tend to particularly like that.

Some days I load and start the dishwasher and the laundry before I go to work - that way, when I come back, the kitchen counter and the table are clean to begin with. Also, when the kids come into the house, they come to the table, and I better not have anything laying on it, and I better have all the tableware clean and available. They want to eat and play on that table, and I don't have time to clean while they are there, so I do it afterwards or in the morning. I find it easier to do a little extra effort and clean every time right after every meal. It keeps me on my feet, but I found that if I sit down then I won't feel like getting up after that :) So this is what I found is easier. I should probably say that I have three kids.

Maybe it would help your situation if you look at it from the perspective of not what is fair between the two of you, but what can you do more to help your family - it sounds like you guys need more work around the house on an ongoing basis.

Also, coming from my experience, you are very lucky to be able to have your child with you for so much time. I have seen more than several cases where fathers suddenly want to be primary caretaker of kids and they take over that aspect. Cherish all the care you are able to provide to your child (like being together and helping him/her and cooking his/her favorite meals, driving him/her places, taking to the playground), otherwise if you both care for the child equally and the child might develop a daddy preference then the child will tend to chose daddy over you to do everything, then you will be regretting not to be the primary source of care for your child and will be wondering what happened and where did those times go? Especially this is true for daughters, as they tend to turn into daddy's girls.

V.- great that hubby is willing to exercise outside input. And you.
sounds like parenthood has both of you a bit shy on personal time and it's interfering with the balance. That happens and we don't realize it until it IS.

My take- you have to decide if $800 is worth it. You work with you son in tow and make little for it. Unless the work is for your photography business, why bother. You could take a freelance job or put more time into that, earn a bit more and form and LLC so you can have a better tax hit for that, be home with your son and have plenty of time to juggle not only the cleaning but help with dinners as well.

It's a balance. You are both working hard at jobs and home and it seems 'fair' as you'd say that each do equal hours of work. What you're doing now is as if on your day at home- you have become the 'cleaning lady' most hire for $100.
So the mature thing is make a reasonable list and work together until its done each day so you can relax doing what you both want.
Of course, your son is a 24 attention in that time too. I have twins, and it's do-able.
It takes team work and perhaps letting standards for what home is on a daily basis slide a bit. There are so many hours in a day. My hubby wouldn't take time to relax and he ended up miserable- and as a result- alone.
It's great that he cooks. One thing we do is whoever cooks, the other cleans up.
There are ways to make cleaning fun- power clean together- set a timer and start in a room and each day do 20 min until the areas are finished. Your home will never be spotless, but it's achieving the 'done' status for the regular maintenance.
Figure this out now in an apt- as home ownership adds exponential work to the balance.

If you do decide to stop the job and work full time at home- as that in and of itself is a more than full time job.... then just because your husband is the bread winner doesn't give him the power to deem what home will be like. His expectations need to remain reasonable-- it's not easy to have a child 24/7 and be productive. Things 'happen'. But the day in and day out stuff would be done, perhaps you can make up the $800 in your business or fill it with another job eves like many do??.

Life is short. It's not worth the power struggle or the battle. Expectations have to give some and couples have to get creative. If you can figure this out when you're young, when something major comes into play then you'll have some tools under your belt to survive the storms life brings.

Let us know how you worked it out.

About me: 52 yo, perfusionist and wellness coach, in a relationship with 4 tweens total just hitting puberty! while mom hits menopause- gotta give him a kudos gals- haha.

B.

It doesn't matter who makes makes more money, it's about sharing the load of running a home and raising a family. If you are feeling overwhelmed and exhausted then your husband could find ways to lighten your load. I would also think considering is this the right time for your family for you to pursue photography if it is too much on you.my husband coaches on top of his day job so I have had to do way more when he's coaching. It has caused some resentment because he devotes a lot of time to it and doesn't make much doing it. Just things to consider.