You Never Keep Score?

Oh my gosh, I keep score all the time in my head.l Then talk myself out of it and find out that if I do I'm the loser. Better to make him the winner in my life since I chose him and keep the game going.

i totally hear you.
i think what bugged people about the other post was the intense focus on scorekeeping, and a seeming refusal to do what needed to be done because it would have upset the already illusory 'balance.'
but i absolutely agree with you that when one party is consistently doing most of the contributing at all levels, it very often pays off in resentment. i think (i hope) for most of us that it balances out in workable ways over the long-term, but when it doesn't, it needs to be discussed and re-worked.
i'm contributing way under 50% right now. but there were years when i was doing way more. and probably will be again. there are cycles in marriage, aren't there?
khairete
S.

One million points to Nervy Girl for superbly showing the difference between seeking a balance and keeping score.

I only wish the points could translate into something you can use, Nervy!

No score keeping here. who wants all that resentment building up in their head?!?!
Each person does what it takes on a daily basis to make it happen. Could be you today, could be him tomorrow, could be you for the next week. If that's the case suck it up, both of you.
The attitude you're perpetuating here about keeping a tally isn't healthy.

This is my SWH, since you posted one (who knows if you'll see it). As far as heavy lifting, stuff around the house, the dirty work, laundry, bills.. I do it ALL. Yep, all of it. What does my wife do? Oh…. she started her own business, has the work ethic of a Hebrew, makes it her mission in life to provide for our family…. and for that, I gladly do anything and everything to make her life easy.

Are you for serious? You had a nanny and you kept score, how much of your work did your nanny do?

I think what most of us were saying is that it isn't HEALTHY to keep score. That's not always easy, especially when one spouse earns more, or if one spouse is home with the kids full time. This is especially true of young couples trying to figure out their place and role and worth.
To answer your question, YES, I can see why you were annoyed at the imbalance in your marriage but like many women instead of saying "no" you just did it all and resented it. I have been guilty of that myself, letting my husband go to the gym, the golf course, taking on ALL the child care and household stuff, not always doing things for myself because "the kids come first." Sometimes finding that balance means telling the spouse (not asking) I NEED to take this class on Tuesday nights so now you will be in charge of getting the kids to/from soccer, or I AM going to a book group on Saturday night so you're in charge of dinner.
My point is that I think keeping score just leads to resentment. What needs to happen in a marriage is both parties need to feel valued AND both parties should be contributing in whatever way they can to support the other and the family. When one person feels stressed, or that they need more support, that should be discussed and compromises should be made. For example, my SIL wasn't happy being the only one taking three kids around to their various sporting activities all week so my BIL started getting up and going to the gym early, before work, so he could get home earlier and help out. He wasn't crazy about it at first but now it's become a part of his routine. He's got a happier wife and he gets to see his kids more. Win win!

No, my husband and I do not keep score. We are a partnership.

Does this mean we are always 100%? Nope. There are times when I am barely contributing - tired, bad mood, whatever the reason - my husband picks up the slack - and doesn't sit back and say "do you remember on July 2, 2013 when you were slacking...and **I** did this?" Because there are times when he is slacking and I pick up HIS slack...and I don't say "hey remember when?"

My husband knows that even as a stay at home mom - my contributions to the family cannot be summed up in just one paycheck or monetarily.

But that's marriage - TO US. And obviously to many others. it's about SHARING THE LOAD - does it mean it's always "equal" or "fair"? No. But it all evens out in the end. At least for us it does!

No, we don't keep score.

I think that scorekeeping most often occurs in dysfunctional relationships that are lacking in healthy communication and respect.

Healthy relationships are goal oriented. Both persons might recognize certain inequities, but they don't hang their happiness on how "fair" or "equal" everything is or isn't, because they are both striving to accomplish a common goal. They look for ways to cooperate in order to meet those common goals.

ETA: In regard to your SWH, many of us have already said we don't keep score...so how would we know if we're carrying 75% of the load? If we knew that....we'd be scorekeeping.

I don't really even think about it, because we are both busy doing what is best for our family. We BOTH do a lot of heavy lifting, and we love one another and express appreciation to one another for our contributions.

It's just a waste of emotion and energy to try to divide it all out. I have better things to do.

I think it is a matter of what is fair or not. And that is subjective and different for everyone.
And then a person even if inadvertently, does "remember" who is doing more than the other or not. And notices.
Mostly, the person who does more... "notices" the discrepancy.

So to me, "keeping score" is different than, feeling, what is fair or not.
Keeping score is a quantity.
Noticing what is fair or not... is a qualitative thing.

And, there is never a 100% thing.
At any given time, one spouse or the other, will be doing "more."
Or later, that same spouse may be doing tons.
It is never... constant.
Never.

And then, there is the overall picture of things, and the daily things.
In the big picture of things... my Husband does do things.
But not daily.
So even if he doesn't do things daily... he does do other things that makes up for it. Though it is not planned nor premeditated nor him counting what he does or how many times.
So, its fine.
But on my "bad" days.... well I get irked when I am flying around the house doing EVERYTHING.... and he may not be and is just reclining on the sofa doing "nothing."
ALSO.... even if a Spouse works or not, we ALL need to do things. In the house and for the kids.
And that is variable.

What's funny is that most of these answers respond with the score of that household. If they didn't keep score, they wouldn't even be able to respond to your question. (Eg, "I don't keep score, he does this, I do that." Um, ok...)

Of course it isn't wrong of you to feel exhausted/irritated if you both work full time and the other person doesn't contribute as much around the house. Great for those women who have husbands who come home and cook and clean, but I don't know ANY of my friends who have that! I have heard of it happening, and I have seen it in movies. =)

I work full time and do 95% of the housekeeping, cooking, etc. Do I feel irritated if my hard-working husband is sitting on the couch relaxing after work while I am doing laundry and picking up his dirty clothes off of the floor after I get home from work? You betcha! I am HUMAN! But then I try to think about all he does for us - all of the outside work, any home repairs he is capable of doing, working hard at work just as I do. Is that score keeping? I guess.....But I am also not a submissive type that just lets my husband do whatever he wants without AT LEAST speaking up - so maybe those who don't fight about it are? Who knows.

Either way, I think people do "keep score" internally, whether they like to admit it or not. Whether that score irritates them as much as the next person depends on a mutitude of factors such as their personality, the income ratio, the family dynamics, and so on.

Glad your load has lightened - somewhat looking forward to the day mine does! Although that will mean my babies are grown =(

There's s huge difference between asking for help and keeping score.
We don't keep score.

I've been in 3 marriages; in 2 of them there was active scorekeeping ;-)

You have answered your own question. You became a scorekeeper when your marriage was not healthy. Or you are, at your core, a scorekeeper which means that you have unhealthy dysfunction that you haven't dealt with.

In a healthy relationship there IS no scorekeeping. There is no "right-fighting" (scorekeeping's ugly step-sister). There is only "for the good of the family".

I think everyone keep score to some degree. Of course you notice who is doing more around the house and often can be bitter/frustrated by it. But, the other poster had it laid out in so much detail and sounded like she and her husband had petty arguments about it (she even said it was ridiculous, I'm not criticizing). So I don't believe it's ever 50/50 and I also think everyone knows who's doing what, but you can't fixate on it or be so detailed or you'll go crazy.

We have never ever kept score. We do not worry if things are 100% equal. We look at what needs to be done and divide it out so it gets done.
Some weeks I take on far more than my husband does. If he's working from 6AM to midnight on a project for work that is taking more than it should then I step up and keep up with the chores in the house that still need to be done that he usually does. I never expect him to "pay me back" later. If I was up all night with a sick kid and didn't sleep much or I've had some very hectic days running after the kids and cleaning and need to just sit and veg and he's free then he takes up the slack and takes care of it.
I don't care if it is 70/30 a lot of the time when it comes to housework. Now if he was going out every weekend with his buddies to play golf or stopping at bars every night to "unwind" and I was stuck at home doing the heavier load and not being afforded the same I might get upset. I deserve downtime too. But in just regular life where he goes to work, I take care of the kids and we both meet in the middle to take care of the house and make sure everyone is getting downtime, I don't care. So long as it gets done and I can have some "me" time now and again.
We never go on about well I did a lot more because you were on a business trip so now I'm going to sit on my butt and do nothing while you "catch up" so we're "fair".
I expect that type of behavior from my young kids but I do not think that behavior is becoming to an adult. It's immature.

ETA: I home school all 3 kids. I do a lot of the house work. When my husband worked out of the house (he works from home now), I was probably doing a good 80-90% of the house and kids because between commuting and time spent at work he wasn't home to actually do the day to day housework. I never resented it! I was never thinking "Oh I'm doing more". I was glad that he made enough so I could stay home with the kids like I wanted to. I wanted to stay home with the kids. We would let the housework slid on weekends and go do something fun. Sure it meant I had it to catch up on Monday but I didn't care. Never resented it.

I think the issue with the other poster is that she is REALLY tit for tatting! One extra hour here, one extra hour there....
It's not about someone doing 75% of the work ALL the time. That wouldn't be fair. But, it's almost as if the other poster had a check list and was checking to make sure that things were exact.
That was a problem, I think. I think most people that resonded were saying that there should be an ebb and flow. Not that one person should do that majority.
Maybe I am rambling?
In your case it looks like you were doing way more than your share for a LONG time. That doesn't sound fair. That's why I said a marriage should be 100/100. meaning that you should BOTH be doing your very best at all times.
L.

My husband and I use these things called words. We take the words and articulate our needs. If I have spent the week online while he cleaned the house he would say, I feel like I need help and you seem to have some extra time. Oh wow, I have been slacking, what do you need?

And life goes on.

There is a huge difference between a spreadsheet of evenness and asking for help when one party feels they are doing the heavy lifting while the other one slacks. One causes bad feelings, the other compels communication.

Have a team mentality allows for, I am in the zone, let me take on more, or you look like you need a break, sit down and take a load off. Spreadsheets seem to not allow that common sense flexibility without "owing" the other. The other problem is each person keeps their own tally and weighing. So me cleaning the house has more weight than you working in an office? Give me a break!

If you owe your spouse anything something has gone very wrong in your relationship.
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When I was a stay at home mom I did 100%! of the housework, the cooking, the cleaning, the shuffling the kids, I repaired everything that broke, installed flooring, mowed the lawn, landscaped, put in retaining walls, paid all the bills, I took care of EVERYTHING but earning cold hard cash! I still considered that 50/50.

You find me someone who thinks they are always pulling 75% and I will show you a person who values their time and work more than their partner's time and work. Nothing more.

No. We don't keep score. Maybe it's because we've been together forever (married 14 years, with dating together 26 years total). We both contribute what we can when we can. I don't feel taken advantage of because I don't feel like he's slacking. I stay home with kids, he works and brings home the paycheck. It all works out. So no, if I felt like I needed to keep score, there's a problem with incompatibility or immaturity or something else wrong.

ETA: My husband just came in and said "since I'm making dinner, how about you set the table." You got it.

There are lots of times when one of us picks up more than the other, but we both have the best interests of our family at heart, and we trust each other to hold up our end.

I'm with you here, J.. Mamazita's and Nervy girl's answers are pretty much what I'd say, too. I've been married twice – first time to a man who wouldn't lift a finger to help with anything, and for the first half of our marriage, he was a student and so he "couldn't" work. The second half, he took his earnings and spent/played all he wanted. We ended up divorced, not because I was "keeping score," but that in his case, there was really nothing but his taking and my giving (and then he also became emotionally abusive).

Good marriages have two spouses who willingly pitch in. They may not be 50/50, but both partners willingly contribute what they have to give. Happily, my second marriage is pretty evenly balanced.

I totally "get" what you are saying . . . however, I do think there's a problem in a marriage where one person is score keeping constantly. I'm not saying who is at fault in that situation, or justified - just that there is a problem to work on.

I don't think your situation was OK, and I wouldn't have been OK with it either.

Marriage is supposed to be 100/100, but there are times when it comes out to 125/75 or vice versa. So be it. Some days you do more and some days you do less. In the end, it all evens out.
I don't keep score, because when it comes right down to it, I don't care which of us does more. I work hard for my family, and so does my husband. We each contribute what we can every day.

I think long term imbalances that are REALLY imbalanced are going to need adjustments. But I don't think the adjustments happen in a good way if they are happening b/c someone is sitting with a list and saying "I did 73 things today, and you did 71, so you have to do 2 more before I will do anything." That is what the poster seemed to be describing... at least from where I was sitting reading it.

The person who posted here in response to your post who said "ebb and flow over time" is what I think is healthy. It is never going to be exactly equal. Ever. And personally, I think that if it IS, then that can also be an indicator of a problem.

I can honestly say that I have never sat down with a spreadsheet of who spent how many hours at a paid job, and who spent how many hours caring for our kids, and who spent how many hours on house/yard work. EVER. Are there days when I am lazy and husband has worked all day long, commuted 2 hours, and come home and mowed the grass then grilled dinner for us? Yep. Are there days that he has gotten up and done what HE wanted all day (book discussions in a "club", gone running, played golf, and had a few beers while watching Tennis on TV), while I vacuumed, did laundry, shuttled the kids to activities, followed up on homework, medicated the dog, balanced the checkbook, shopped for groceries and made dinner, then put the kids to bed? Yep.

Is it either way EVERY DAY? Nope. Some days we both go and go and go and do and do and do. Some days he slacks. Some days I do. Some days it is annoying to be the one busting it while he appears to be slacking. And some days it feels guilt ridden to be the one being lazy while he is busting it. But it all evens out. And we don't use a scorecard to keep up with when it does.
We know that we have times we just need to blow off things. And other times we are really motivated. But, regardless, the groceries are bought, the meals are made and consumed, the kids are taken care of, the bills are paid, the necessities are handled, and we move on with life.
I have never "gone on strike" because I cleaned up dinner dishes more times this week or washed and folded more loads of laundry. I've never not run a load of clothes because "I've done my share already." so too bad if little Billy has to go to school with dirty clothes.

THAT is what I think people were trying to say. At least I was. If you view your marriage through the mindset of always being concerned that you are doing one thing more than the other person, then you don't have a marriage.

I make some money working at home, and I do a lot of the housework. I have NO idea how much of our income is mine, or how much of the housework I actually do. Why? Because, I do NOT keep score. I don't want that bitterness and resentment festering in my marriage. There is a HUGE difference for asking for help when needed, and knowing exactly how much one person contributes. There is a HUGE difference between meeting needs and weighing the scales, to make everything "fair."

I your husband is not willing to help when you need it, sorry you decided to marry a jerk.

Nope & yep. No we don't keep score and yep we live that way 100% of the time. We are partners not roommates. I too have made more than my husband at times and he has made more than me at times. We both take care of the kids and are very aware of each other's load so we work around that accordingly. To each their own really though. This is what works for us. I imagine if I had a partner that didn't contribute equally than I would keep score too. Luckily I don't have that problem :)

We don't keep score....I believe a successful and happy marriage is not a game to be won or lost with a score card. You lose out in a loving and fulfilling marriage when you are mentally keeping score. Keeping score means you are at a point of resentment. Not keeping score means you are playing on the same team. I don't think you and your husband are working as a team...more like opponents. I am sorry.

I have no concept of what percentages my husband and I are putting forth in our marriage. He makes all the income...I make nada. So in that area he is 100% and I am 0%. (But he believes I work harder..go figure)

Today for example...I just know he bust his arse at work, just came home to pick up our youngest son to then help coach an indoor t ball game then he will put in some time serving at our church. I am here on the computer for a few minutes after shuffling kids to swim team practices, then playing with them a bit then cleaning house with the kids and I will soon log off then make dinner. Then we will come together around 6pm and eat the dinner, have some family time then put the kids to bed to then have quiet time alone....in bed ;) (Typical day scenario)

We look for ways to help each other,lift eachother's heavy loads. When you see that in a spouse...how can you keep score? We both feel like we have the winning card if marriage is a game for keeping score.

I guess I could see getting resentful and keeping score if I felt my husband didn't value the same things I valued..and wasn't working as hard in our marriage. But I married a man that wanted to be uber involved in our kids' lives and wanted to please me.

I didn't marry a man that would be happy with himself contributing less than a 100% in our marriage. Just happens to be the kind of man I was looking for...and the kind of man I got. We are teaching our kids to do the same. They see dad helping around the house...even though I am a SAHM. They see me go help him in the yard..even though that is his domain. They see him serve others in the community...even when he is dog tired and would much rather nap or watch a soccer game.

I would stress to you to teach your children to find a man that would rather spend time with his kids then opt to have the nanny do it for him.

I hope you don't read this as attacking. I am sorry that you are in a score card keeping marriage. I don't think you want to keep score at all...but for so long you have been carrying the majority of the load...with him not looking to ease your burden. I am sorry for that. Really...the not keeping score is easy to do when you both are playing on the same team.

maybe i'm still stuck in the situation you mentioned early in your marriage. I'm working, I'm taking care of my kids and showing them love, i'm trying my dangest to keep up with the house, and I'm trying to be a good wife. And when i look over and see, the fact that he spent 3 hrs rearranging the garage this weekend so that none of the kids toys or bikes are in their reach and not likely to be put back were they belong, all the while the grass needed mowing and the kids wanted to play, and then came in had a beer and watched sports while playing computer games, you bet i'm keeping score.
So tonight when i say honey i could use a little help with this project, he decides he is helping by takign the kids out to a ball game now not only do i not have the kids around that i actually needed for this project, ( they needed to be choosing some aspects of it) i also had to get dinner earlier and it just totally messed up my night.
I do try to remember that he loves us, and i need to use my "words" better but it is frustrating, and i feel in our house we get so entrenched in our roles or jobs if you will "chef, or garage cleaner" etc that i don't see the picking up of the slack.

So i haven't yet experienced the 100% 100% or even 50% 50% but im sure it's a matter of perspective and if you asked him he would say HE did it all because his priority was stacking the garage, not cleaning the house, not mowing the lawn, not playing with the kids, not hanging out with me. and in his mind he did 100% and is so pleased with the garage for the next 2 days before it gets trashed.

Glad you spoke up and things are going better now. As for keeping score...Ideally no, married couples should not be keeping score. The whole idea behind marriage it that you are "maddly in love" with each other and are willing to give each other "your all." In reality, there is score keeping, but hopefully not all the time. Score keeping creates jealousy and a hostile environment. I remind myself of 2 old Pennsylvania Dutch sayings, "Things get done when they get done" and "There are things that need to get done and it doesn't matter who does it, it just needs to get done." It just kind of makes me feel better. Most of the time it's DH bragging about how hard he's worked outside on the lawn or at his job. He doesn't know that my job can be just as demanding or stressful. Kind of like "I've got it worse than you" syndrome. I really think in general, that men don't realize how demanding being a mom and doing housework is. I don't know what percentage I contribute or what percentage my DH contributes. I do know some days he does more than me and other days I do more than him. It really doesn't matter. I find the easiest thing for me to do when I feel the weight on my shoulders is to take a break. So what if the dishes aren't done. They can wait until the morning. I've got to see the sunset.

No, I never keep score. When the kids were younger I was focused on keeping the kids healthy, so everything I did was related to feeding and caring for the kids. By my not paying attention to anything else, those other tasks around the house became his. We both work full time, we make around the same income. During the day, the nanny look after the kids. I go in late and get home late. He goes to work early and get home early to take care of the kids before I get home.
I guess I don't keep score because I don't have a perceived inequality in chore distribution. In your situation I would be pissed too. If I thought our situation wasn't fair, I would ask him to contribute more. I won't put up with an unfair situation and my DH knows this from the very beginning. And I know he wouldn't put up with it either.
I know my MIL's situation is the complete opposite of mine. She does 99.9% of the household chore and taking care of the kids. She knows it's unfair but she puts up with it because the alternative was to get out of the marriage and she's terrified of that because she has no way of making a living. When we had our first baby, MIL commented that her son was an amazing husband, he helped around the house. I snapped at her that he's not 'helping me, he's doing his share. it's his baby too.' Wow, did all my in-laws gasped.

No we have never kept score. When I worked he helped a lot more with the housework, now that I'm a SAHM, it all gets done while he's at work so that frees up my day to do family stuff together or for me to go to the gym. But there's also times where on his days off he will tidy up, not because he feels obligated because I do it all the time, but just because he feels like it. It's teamwork. We work together to keep a clean home, happy fed children, and a happy life together. But man if he kept tract of what I would owe him over the last 2 years I haven't worked 😳

Wow, Nervy Girl nailed it! I couldn't agree more. I am very fortunate that I have a wonderful husband and that we have mutual respect for each other and that we don't have to keep score.

That said, there is one thing we keep score on... Who is the designated driver when we go out for a nice dinner and have drinks or wine :)

No way we don't keep score. Sometimes it feels like he sits on the couch too long one day, or I don't do the dishes right after dinner (which is RARE because it's a HUGE pet peeve of mine) or something else stupid. But no, we don't keep score, we don't have time for that nonsense.

I work 9 hour days and am the only one around to do 100% of what the kids need during the day and early evening. My husband works two hours away. So by the time we both get home, we are drained (lots of running around or four hours on the road plus an 8 hour work day). All 3 kids are in activities and we have laundry, dishes, paperwork, messes, etc for a family of 5. We both have to do something every single day to keep the house looking decent. We both give 100% of what we have each day. Very rarely do either of us come home and sit and do nothing...it just can't happen with a functioning family.

If we did keep score, we'd fight constantly.

I'm a SAHD. I used to work and put in 12 to 14 hour days. My wife did almost all of the inside work and I did almost all of the outside work. I enjoyed gardening and her not-so-much.

I did almost all the grocery shopping because I was taught comparison shopping by my mom. My wife is a grab and go, which was how she was taught by her dad and mom. My wife will spend almost twice what I do for groceries, so I do the shopping.

There are some things my wife does because it makes her feel like the "Woman of the house" (Quote from "The Quiet Man".) I do a lot of things for us, like the cooking. My anniversary present from her . . . a fancy crockpot to make making dinner easier.

She did most of the housework when we were young and raising kids. I do more now that I'm a SAHD. I don't much care who does what. We are partners. I love her and would do more if she wanted me to and she would do more if I wanted her to.

Just this morning, I was cleaning a burnt pan that my husband burned the other night making himself a snack.

In my first marriage, I would have been peeved about my husband doing this, as he was a classic non-helper around the house and my resentment was of gargantuan proportions.

This marriage, my emotional response to the burnt pan, was, he was preoccupied assembling a new ceiling fan for our MBR, that he did not have time to clean the pan, because he also had to pack for a trip he left for.

I don't keep score because he is a devoted man who lives up to his family responsibilities. I am happy to clean his pan, and would have been just as happy if he asked me to make him the snack too.

I do not keep score because it's irrelevant for us.

For example, I put the kids in the bath and read to them and put them to bed every night. Hubby would do it (he sometimes sits with us when we read) but the kids always ask for me to be there/do it. Plus I sing to them and he doesn't. On the other hand, he usually reads to or hangs out with our oldest while I"m putting the younger one to bed.

He's with our son 1/2 a day and gets him on the bus for preschool four days a week. And I get my daughter ready for school before I leave for work. In the summer, he's with both kids all day long. On a similar token, I have both kids all day Sat/Sunday while he's at work.

He deep cleans more than I do - shampooing the carpets, dusting, mopping, oven and stovetop and does the weeding and mowing the lawn. I do the lighter cleaning, put all the laundry away and most of the grocery shopping and bill paying.

So I'd say we probably are equal but I don't keep score.

I would be annoyed which is why I choose not to have a job that makes more money I enjoy my job even though it doesn't pay much I feel money is not everything if you are spending most of your life at a job. But someone told me once that the more you let your husband do more for you because it seems like the wives who let their husbands do more actually have husbands that do more. Men don't usually take initiative unless provoked and I find I either have to have an all out battle to get help or I just don' do it and he eventually gets the hint. Yes it takes longer but in the long run its worth it. Its very hard for a man not to be the bread winner of the family they don't feel needed in many other ways and house work and babysitting does not fill that void. Good luck!