Family Member Had a Miscarriage

I have never had a miscarriage, but I have suffered loss before, so I can say a nice card would probably make me feel better.

I had 2 miscarriages and they are very hard. The one thing I really wanted was to know I had the support of my friends and especially family. You could call, or send a card or flowers. Something to let her know you are thinking of her. Just let her know you are sorry for her loss and if you feel close enough to her, see if she even wants to talk. I wish I had someone I could have talked to and let out my feelings without them telling me it happened for a reason. I didn't want to hear that. I am sorry she has to go through this. It can be hard on the whole family. good luck.

Do call. Let them know that you are thinking of them, that you care, and that you love them and are sorry that they are hurting. I still have a couple plants that people sent--and it has been four years now. It is a rough time--don't wait more than a few days, if at all. And DON"T say things like, "Well, this is for the best because there was probably something wrong with the baby." Or, "Well, it wasn't REALLY a baby yet," Or "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant." People said all these things to me, and they were hurtful. I know that they were not intended that way, but they were still hard to hear. I was totally fine with people saying, "I don't know what to say, but I love you and am so sorry you are going through a rough time." It was much better than, "Well, God has a plan. He knows best." Also, I really hated people talking to me in public places (like church) about it. It would make me cry, and I HATE crying in public, so that was hard on me as well. I preferred to only discuss it in private.

Her due date will be hard, and next Christmas will be rough as well. I really struggled with my next pregnancy as well--being fearful the whole time--sure something was going to go wrong, and being afraid to get excited about the pregnancy. What really helped me during the pregnancy was writing a letter to the baby that we lost, and just telling him how much he/she was wanted, loved, and missed.

Good Luck. It sounds like you are sensitive and will be a big comfort during a rough time.

Hi B., I miscarried my first one at 16 weeks. Boy what a heartbreaker that was. For us those who were closest called to say they loved us and were praying for us. Some sent cards of cheer/thinking of you. It was all very helpful and encouraging to know we had a "support system" of people who cared and some who had or had not experienced this. I would recommend you call or send a card right away. I personally think your sis-in-law would love to know she too has a support system that cares for her. I would not think your concern would be a nuisance to them. If you call, let her do the talking. If you have not experienced this don't say you understand and I wouldn't say how they can always try again. Just simply keep it to words of encouragement or perhaps scripture verses from the Psalms would be helpful. God Bless You, L.

My first pregnancy I misscarried at 12 wks,probably one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with and my husband ,it was his first child as well.I personally wanted to be left alone my husband is the one who broke the news to everyone.She on the other hand is different,she might need someone who can just listen and don't forget that your brother is going through this misscarriage as well so ask him how he's doing.

Hi B.,

I recently lost a twin, but am still pregnant, didn't know it was a twin so went through several weeks of grieving. I would encourage you to reach out to your sister-in-law, and don't wait. This is hard time that needs care and attention now. A card, or gift or message that shows you care would be very helpful I think. Everything happens for a reason, and God doesn't give us more than we can handle.

All my best,
A.

This is a tough subject for me also as I actually went through one May of 2008. I feel for your sister in-law as it is the Christmas season. I think the difficulty is different for everyone, yet I was so excited to be expecting a third child. It really is hard to know what to say to a person going through such a difficult process. First thing you can say to your sister in-law about that experience is how she is doing emotionally. Then if I were you and if your close to them through the phone, I would be there to listen anytime you can, whether it be tomorrow or the following week. Also be there for your brother. My husbands heart ached also, he couldnt work the day we found out. I found those who would listen to my heartache rather than try to give me advice or saying the message of "good thing it wasn't..." Those messages hurt the most, because I was grieving. I will and Im sure your sister in-law will never forget this experience. I still, even though it was 7 months ago, look at others who have a baby and Im slightly jealous. She will also find that besides the diffcult time she is going through now, the emotional pain will resurface again when the due date nears. Also let her know she can call you anytime she is hurting emotionally, but be a listening ear. Also suggest to her to write down the experience, no matter how hard it is. I felt much better, writing down the experience. Good luck with interacting with your sister in-law, especially with this time of the year.

Just call her and tell her what you said and don't wait. The longer you wait to talk to her the longer she has to keep thinking about it. Not that she'll forget but she doesn't need a constant reminder of it either. When I had my miscarriage it wasn't what people said it was that they let me know that they loved me, were feeling pain for me and they were there for me when I needed it. She doesn't want you to try and explain to her "why" it happened. The Dr. can't even do that. She'll be numb expecially since its the holidays but just be there for her. I lost a baby last November and I'm sitting next to my sweet 3 week old baby girl now. She'll get pregnant again and she'll be scared to death the next time so you'll need to be there for her during her pregnancy (when and if she is pregnant again) too and just listen to her concerns and worries. Until you go through it you really can't understand. Hopefully it's not something that she'll have to go through multiple times. Good luck and she's lucky to have someone like you that cares so much.

Happy Holidays!

That is a very hard thing to deal with...my best friend had a miscarriage or still birth at 5 months. And like you I wasn't close so I wasn't sure how soon I should call or what I needed to do. What I ended up doing though is calling and just let her know that I was thinking of her and that she could call me when she needed to. And when she would call if she needed to talk about the loss then I would just listen...otherwise I would just keep our conversation on general things. Its been three years since this happened and it is still let her bring the subject up...and she has thanked me for just being there in that way rather than pushing too hard. She will appreciate your concern. She will be in my prayers.

What a very sad thing. I, too, had a miscarriage of my first pregnancy, also at 9 weeks. Do call to say that you're sorry - but try to limit it to that. I can remember the people who tried to "help" after my loss and said things that really pissed me off and made me feel much worse than I originally did. Things like - "don't worry, you'll have LOTS of kids" and my favorite, "you just need to relax and you'll get pregnant again - get a massage". Don't try to say you understand how it feels - because you don't. Don't say that 1 out of 3 women miscarry so it happens to LOTS of women - even though this is true, it doesn't make it any easier for the women who lose the babies. And don't gone on and on and on about how "you just don't know what you'd do if it happened to you because it's such a horrible, horrible thing" - we know that, and it doesn't make us feel any better to hear it! These were all things that I heard from my SIL after my loss, and to tell the truth, I hold onto a bit of animosity towards her to this day. Personally, I had a very grounded, realistic view of my miscarriage - I truly felt that it was God's way of protecting me - that there was something terribly wrong with the baby and it was for the best - but don't offer that view as condolences or advice, because even though I felt that way, I didn't like to hear it from others. Just call your brother/SIL and tell them you're sorry and listen to what they have to say. And be understanding if it's very difficult for them to be around kids (especially babies) for awhile, and be understanding if they seem a bit bitter towards those that have children and didn't have any problems with the pregnancy. It's just part of the working-through-it process. Just be understanding and supportive in a low-key way. Sometimes saying "I don't know what else to say besides I'm sorry" is the BEST thing to say. My thoughts are with all of you!

When we were trying to conceive, I had two miscarriages in one year, and it was devastating. My best friend and I got pregnant at the same time, and then I lost two babies while she was pregnant.

I agree with a little note and a gift. I did not want to talk to anyone on the phone during that time.

Something heartfelt like, "I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling. I'm praying for you and your family. I'm here if you need to talk."

Also, maybe let her know about The Church of the Holy Innocents - http://www.innocents.com/shrine.asp

Some books I read:
Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart by Marie Allen
A Silent Sorrow: Pregnancy Loss - Guidance and Support for You and Your Family by Ingrid Kohn, Perry-Lynn Moffitt, Isabelle A. Wilkins

I hope this helps.

I have not ever lost a baby, so I can not tell you from my own experience, what is the right thing to say. I did have a daughter who lost her baby during the 8 week, and it was also her first time having a baby. She lives on the opposite coast from us, and I too was feeling so helpless. It is hard to know what to say! I do know that to tell her it is okay, that she will have another one, is not what she needs to hear now. She/ They are feeling a lot of sadness, and disappointment, and no other baby is going to take the place of this baby. Let them know that you care about them, and will be praying for them. You are also very sad & disappointed by their loss. Let them know that! One point that she needs to hear, SHE did nothing to make this happen. My daughter felt that maybe she caused this to happen, and she wanted to talk about it. If your sister-in- law does NOT start saying thing similar to this thought, don't bring it up. She may not have that feeling, and your mentioning it may introduce her to that thought! When a baby is lost at that early of a stage, there is something wrong with the developement of the baby, or the pregnancy. My daughter needed to hear that even though she lost her baby, it did not mean that she would not be able to carry another baby. My daughter is now pregnant with her 4th pregnancy, and due very soon. All of her following pregnancies were normal & healthy. She will have two sons & one daughter, and even though she is sad that the one she lost is not with them, she has happiness with the ones that she was blessed with. My thoughts & prayers are with your family.

Brenna,

Time will heal your sister-in law & brother's pain. Go ahead and call them. Let them know upfront that you don't have the right words to say but that you want to help them in anyway that you can but you're not sure what that is. Let them know that they are in your prayers and in your heart. Let them know that you feel awful for them. When I had my miscarriage, my baby sisters sent me a lovely musical figurine. I collect musical boxes and
their gift gave me hope and comfort. Please don't say things like. "it'll be okay, you can get pregnant again", "it was meant to be" "God knows what He is doing"
While these comments are all true, they still hurt.
Just convey your love for them. Good luck.

I miscarried also. I have living children. it took years to recover my former happy self. I had to fake it, and grieve a few moments at a time because I was not ready to 'share' that baby yet. I did tell my children what happened, and the lost sibling is still brought up in conversation by one or another of us once in a while.

I don't know that I will ever be who I was before. I have a few angels (not looking for or collecting them, these just touched me somehow) found along the journey. I had named my baby in my belly. I nearly immediately bought a ring that corresponds to the baby's name. sometimes I wore it on my fingers. I would switch fingers often to see where it fit best. I tried to make it fit. I needed to find a reason why things happened like they did. it just never fit, no matter what. sometimes I just carried it in my hand, a security for my heart. sometimes I wore it on a chain. sometimes I sat in it my cedar chest. sometimes on my bureau. I found a stuffed lamb with a roundness whose head fit perfectly in my hand, I slept with it at night for the longest time. and I wrote.

I miss my baby still. sometimes it still is so raw. it has been years. nothing and no one will ever fill that space.

just love her. and tell her you love her. she has become your sister.

I am so sorry your SIL is miscarrying, especially during the holidays. I've had 3 miscarriages. The last one was in October of this year and I was 10 weeks along. It's emotionally, physically and spiritually draining. She will need time to grieve and heal, and work through what happened. You are such a caring person to want to help your SIL through this very difficult period. Call her and your brother (individually if possible) and tell them how you feel and just let them talk. All they may need is someone to listen - and that might give you a clue as to what they need/what, if anything. Make sure she is not blaming herself - or giving other signs of depression. Some people want to be left alone and others want a lot of support. You could also send a card, plant, or some other token for her to remember this by, but calling her is the best thing you can do. I would not wait 3 weeks though, reach out to them now (before the holidays) and see what happens.

Good luck!

When I went through my miscarriage, I appreciated when people at least acknowleged my loss. I had a handful of people who made me feel supported and a number who said and did nothing, out if discomfort or uncertainty. I did not feel too badly about those folks because of the small circle around me that did reach out. I was most blessed by a friend who brought my family dinner and a huge bottle of Ibuprofen for me when she learned my loss was imminent. She offered to watch my 2 older kids if I needed it, which I took her up on when I went to the Dr. the next day. The other was the girlfriend who drove into town from an hour away to take me to that Dr. appointment. Obviously you cannot do those things, but I mention them in case anyone else reading this may wonder what to do in a similar situation. But the other thing that helped so much was the handful of people that called or sent a card, expressing their sympathy and offers to be there if I wanted to talk, be it in person or over the phone, then they gave me space and time to grieve. I did call one or two of them when I wanted to talk, and they really just listened and cried with me. The combination of support and space was so very helpful.

Personally, I was happy to have people leave me alone after my two miscarriages (one at 9 1/2 weeks, just like she's experiencing). A kind word at the onset was fine, but after that I didn't really want to be bugged about it. It's physically painful, as well as emotionally painful. I'd say the best thing would be to offer a shoulder if she needs it and not bug her too much about it.

I'm sorry for your SIL, and for you. It's never easy, but I think it's even tougher when it's your first pregnancy.

I encourage you to be very sensitive and let her know you are available if she needs to talk. Be a support to her... in prayer and words.

Do your best to include her in your "motherhood clan" even though she is not a mother yet. As a woman with no children of my own, I encourage you to include her and also include her in the discussion. That means not talking about your kids continually. Find something you both enjoy and talk about that instead. :)

In these situations, I have found it helpful to give something they can keep as a living memorial... a blooming plant or tree rather than cut flowers.

I hope this helps. Thanks for your question. She is lucky to have someone like you in her life.

M.

I have had two in the last year and I have a 4 almost 5 year old. However before her I had a mis-carriage and was devastated. Send your well wishes and condolences. Do not make her feel like she has the plague. I tmay make her cry (which is not a bad thing) or even a little bit mor grievous but she needs to know that everyone is there with and for her no matter how she is coping. She will cope the best she can. Retospect is a gift of love and life, whether present or past, She needs you now even if she can not express that.
Best of Practicing for the next one...
A.

Your sister-in-law sounds almost exactly like my cousin's situation. She started a blog for support of women who are suffering from miscarriage and are trying to get pregnant. The web address is http://justuswomen.blogspot.com I know it has helped a lot of women so far. From what I understand, love and support are really the only things that don't hurt right now. She probably feels fairly numb and out-of-sorts. Just letting her know you love her and will keep her in your prayers are the best things to hear. Anything about how it "must be God's will" or "it will happen when the time is right" or any advice are usually not received very well, and hurt more than anything even if they are intended well. Good luck, and don't forget to show her the same love and support in the coming months that she is sure to receive in the coming days. Merry Christmas!

My first pregnancy I had a stillborn baby girl at 20 weeks, followed by a miscarriage at 10 weeks. (But then two totally healthy, uncomplicated pregnancies!) You got a lot of good posts/suggestions already. I agree that is was great just to have someone who was willing to listen. And what was really really helpful, was acknowledgment that I had lost a baby! Not that "this just happens", but that "I'm sorry for your loss." My MIL sent a card a year after we lost our stillborn baby, and mentioned that she knew it was a "hard time for me." It was very nice, but she never once in her long letter mentioned the word "baby", or our baby's name, Reagan. Although it was really nice that she reached out and acknowledged my hurting, she never acknowledged my first baby, and that kind of hurt. Each person may be more or less open to talking about this, and some people don't like to remember as much that they lost their baby. But others like to talk about it with someone who is willing to listen and acknowledge their baby. You'll have to figure out where she's at with it, and meet here there.

Another hard thing that I remember after delivering my stillborn, and before my other children, was the heartache with hearing other moms talk about pregnancy and delivery stories, and I wanted to share my stories from my pregnancy with Reagan, but it is just too wierd to bring up the stories of the birth of your stillborn baby to total strangers. It was so nice to have friends who were willing to listen to all my experiences without finding it wierd that I was talking about my baby who died. She is still my baby, who has a story to be told.

Just some little thoughts from my expereinces. Hopefully these help you see what she might be feeling - or might not! Everyone expereinces this so different. Just be available to her, without judgement, and that will mean so much!
S.

Let them know you are thinking of them. I still have the plant that was sent to me during my miscarriage 4 1/2 years ago. I also kept a box thathas all of the cards and a couple of angels that friends/family sent me as a reminder of our lost angel. Keep in touch with them, especially around her due date, a card, a note, a phone call.

I agree with the note and gift. Another important thing is really acknowledging that this baby was real and the grief will last. A good site is http://october15th.com/. I wear a necklace from there to remember my twins I miscarried. Hugs to your friend.

I recently went through a similar situation with my sister. There really isn't anything to say but what really helped for her was to send her a little pampering gift about once a week just to let her know I remembered she needed extra thoughts. My sister had to go through a D&C because the baby had died but her body hadn't noticed yet and continued to think she was carrying a live baby. It was horrible for her since she is morally against abortion and the procedure is the same. I'd just really offer more than once that she can let you know what you can do if she needs you and not just now. My sister's situation was this summer and this Christmas she's so teary as I'm sure she will be for quite some time as she mourns the loss. If you don't want to send gifts maybe you could arrange for a meal to be delivered to her, anything that would take some responsiblity off her and give her some me time.

I miscarried between my 2 kids and the simple cards that I received with a few kind words meant an awful lot. I'm sorry for your family's loss.

My friend just lost her 18 month old in an adoption case, and I think the grieving process is similar. They requested no phone calls or visits for a little while, so I sent her a bouquet of flowers. A few of her other friends did this as well and she said that was very much appreciated. It let them know we were thinking of them and praying for them without bothering them at such a hard time. One of our friends sent her a candy bar bouquet, which she liked the best because she's a bit of a stress eater!

Send flowers.

When I had my miscarriage, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I even had my husband break the news to everyone. Several people sent me flowers. It made me feel loved and supported without feeling obligated to talk it thru with everyone.

The cards said stuff like 'We love you' 'so sorry, hun, wanted to let you know we are praying for you' stuff like that.

You can call a flower shop that's in her town and just use a credit card. Then tell them what to write on the card. Or there's some nation-wide flower chains you can call.

Brenna,

You are such a great sister-in-law in your want to be supportive. I have ahd 2 miscarriages myself and they are a very emotionaly painful expirence, and can be physically painful as well. If this is her first, I would assume she is in pain and very tired. When I had my first misscarriage I was in bed for 4 days straight, barely concious. You are right to worry that calling and talking is too much for her. My suggestion would be to call and leave a message with your brother, or if you can send voicemails via Cell phone (I now some carriers have it to where you can send a voicemail without calling) and just tell her that you are thinking about her, and if she needs to talk to give you a call. That way she knows you care, but want to give her the space and time she needs. I hope this helps!

I have had three miscarriages right in a row, and every one of them was very difficult. What I appreciated most was the quiet support my friends gave me. A couple of them sent flowers just to say they were sorry, that they loved me and were there to support me. I knew a lot of them were praying for me. I recently read an article where a woman went through a miscarriage, and people around her kept saying things like, "you can get pregnant again" or "at least you were early in your pregnancy." (Trust me, it doesn't matter how early it is, it still hurts a lot). But her son finally spoke to her and said "Mommy, I love you and I'm sorry the baby died." I cried when I read it because that's all I wanted to hear when I went through mine. Just an acknowledgement that I was hurting and that my pain was legitimate even though it was early in the pregnancy.

If you and/or she are religious, I highly recommend the book "Gone Too Soon." It's about $10 at Deseret Book or Seagull and is wonderfully comforting and validating.
I think you should definitely call and cry with her or just listen. Don't hold back. Yes, it seems awkward, but it's not as if she can think of anything else so you're not bringing up something hard she's forgotten about.
You can tell her she IS a mom--that even though she didn't get to keep this baby, you're a mom the minute you start making plans in your head for caring for a new little person, and even if the plans go awry, being a mom doesn't stop.
It's also important to tell her (on the phone on in a card)that you know how much she loved and wanted her baby.
Consider also marking your calendar for when this baby's due date was supposed to be and planning ahead to send a card then. You can be sure she will grieve a bit all over again then and it would be nice for her to know she has your ongoing support and you know it was a big deal.
The only wrong answer in this situation is making comments about trying again or having other children in the future, or telling stories about other women who have had lots and lots of miscarriages and then finally had a baby. It's not comforting to think you might have to be disappointed and hurting again, or to have your grief compared to or minimized by someone else's suffering.
I think the book "Gone Too Soon" with a gift certificate for a relaxing treat (like a trip to the ice cream store or a pedicure or a restaurant that does delivery or take-out) would be well-received.
Thank you for being a sweet sister-in-law. This is an extra hard time of year to be unexpectedly grieving. Ignoring this or waiting will make it seem even more isolating for her, so please offer your support generously--you're not a nuisance.

At the very least, call. Don't just send a note and gift. Do that in addition, not instead of. I have had 6 miscarriages, and I will admit, they become routine after a few, but it still hurts and to know that someone cares enough to call and share your pain means the world. Support and a listening ear are the best thing right now, not platitudes....You are great to even think of them and share their pain. Hugs to you!

Wheather you know it or not, you already said what was needed.
Look into your own words to us and you will find them.

"I do want them to know that we really care about them and are praying for them" was your quote.

Time? no time is a good time, just let them know what you feel and the sencerity of your heart, not ours.

The worst thing that you can do is offer advice. I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and I hated it when people told me things about how common it was. I hated it when people said things like well the baby probaly had a difformity and that is why. The best thing someone did was give me a shoulder to cry on. To let me know that they are there and were available when I needed someone to talk to. Also realize that this doesn't go away. Future pregnancies will be scary for her. She has a reality in her life that she has lost a baby and could lose another. That never goes away and so she may need someone to talk to at that time. Let her lead the conversation and just tell her how much you care about her. I hope that this helps.

When I had my first miscarriage, I had a friend who sent me a little keepsake with a note that said she didn't know what to say, but that I was in her prayers. I still have that little gift 5 moves and 8 years later. I will probably never get rid of it. I recently did the same for a friend who lost a baby on Mother's Day this year. We went over to their house for Thanksgiving, and the gift was given a very prominent place in her house. It doesn't have to be anything big, but a little reminder is nice. There is also a book called "Known Only To God" by Martha Cummins Love that someone gave me that was encouraging even though I read it years after my last miscarriage. If nothing else, just a note saying you care and are praying for her will help. If you know a due date, it would also be nice to send her a card then letting her know you're still thinking of her. If she's not pregnant again before then, seeing little ones about the baby's age will be difficult and she will need support for the first few months if not year or so.

When I had my first miscarriage, I was nearly 12 weeks along. The worst things I heard were, "It happens" "You'll have more kids" "Something must have been wrong with the baby" and perhaps the most condenscending "I understand", from my mother who had 2 miscarriages. I didn't want to hear anything like that because I was going thru something that I didn't understand. I had a friend that lived across the country from me, who hasn't ever had a miscarriage, and she sent me a card that just said "I love you and I am here when you are ready to talk" with a phone card to call her. When I talked to her on the phone, she just said the same thing. She let me cry, vent, be angry and she just listened. It helped me so much.
Also, I don't know how religious you are or what religion, but after my first miscarriage, I was given a priesthood blessing where I was told that I would have the chance to have my baby, that he was not taken from me only that it was not the right time for him to be here. I also had a dream in which I saw my grandfather, who has passed, holding my baby, and he told me he would take care of him until it was time for me to. I got pregnant right after thinking that would be my baby but it wasn't. It wasn't until I had my forth child, and when I looked at him, I knew it was my baby that I had lost.
I don't believe that we lose the chance to raise the babies that we lose early on in pregnancies, just that it is not the right time for them to come. That blessing and that dream brought me great comfort.

Hope that helps