Dealing with Friend's IVF

Hi Nicole,

She probably doesn't want to be around a baby right now. Your children are just reminders that she doesn't have one of her own. I would send her a card or note each week just to let her know you are thinking about her and perhaps the two of you could have lunch or coffee (just the two of you) when she is ready.

I would also contact her husband and see what his take is.

Blessings......

I recently read an article about this, that covers a lot, so I will just paste it below... but there is a short little article here to that can also help:
http://tinyurl.com/2an5pck

After one couple experience miscarriage, this was their thoughts:
Once I was back home, well-meaning friends and family told me to be glad the baby hadn’t lived because it probably would have been deformed. Others said, “Don’t feel bad; you can always have another one.” I felt they thought my husband and I could get over this experience quickly and be happy again. But rather than being comforted, I was overcome with an intense feeling of loss. For months I felt anger, guilt, and depression, yet everyone seemed to tell me I had no reason to grieve.

Society seems to allow parents whose newborn infants die after a month or two to mourn. Parents of stillborns (a child sufficiently developed to survive outside the uterus but for some reason has died before birth) are allowed even less. Those who have miscarriages (a spontaneous termination of a pregnancy before the fetus is sufficiently developed) are often dismissed as not needing to mourn at all.

My arms ached to hold my baby. I often thought I heard an infant crying in the distance. I felt vulnerable and afraid that I might lose another child. During my four-month pregnancy, I had planned our baby’s future. When the baby died, that future died.

Many parents are surprised by the emotions they feel after a miscarriage. They often feel shock and disbelief. Life seems unreal for a time. They express depression, anger (directed at themselves, their mates, a doctor, God, or even life in general), guilt, irritability, lack of interest in normal activities, sadness. Many experience irregularities in sleeping or eating. Some feel anger or sadness in the presence of babies or pregnant women.

“Many people avoid you or say things that make you feel worse,” Janet, a young woman struggling to begin her family, said. “They try to be helpful and tell you how long to wait before you try again. All I wanted was someone to hug me and sympathize. I just wanted someone to be there and care.”

Brenda, the mother of two preschoolers, lost two babies. “After each miscarriage,” she recalls, “I was in the hospital for several hours. They put me in a room right across the hall from the nursery. Watching the nurses bring the healthy, beautiful babies to their mothers was torture. I wanted to die.”

“I had six miscarriages in a row,” Janet said. “To me it was still a baby, even if it was only an inch long. It hurts to lose a baby. Every time this happened, my doctor acted like it was nothing terribly important and simply said to get pregnant again. He told me that he had a patient who had lost thirteen babies. I guess that was supposed to make me feel better, but it didn’t.”

“There is really no answer to the question why,” says Dr. Steven G. Nance, a Payson, Utah, obstetrician. “There are certain specific medical problems we know of that cause miscarriages and stillbirths. In many cases, especially in the first few months, we attribute the fault to some kind of chromosomal abnormality in the fetus. Those that occur later in the pregnancy when the baby appears normal are often attributed to some maternal factor, such as uterine abnormalities. But in the vast majority of cases, there is no obvious reason.”

Whatever the cause, the end result is the same. Many children who were eagerly expected never survive.

“It isn’t the woman’s fault,” Dr. Nance states. “She shouldn’t blame herself. She did not cause it to happen. In the majority of cases, the problem won’t reoccur. But for those who have multiple miscarriages, it can be particularly discouraging.”

Mothers and fathers may bond differently with their baby before birth and feel the loss differently. Men often feel they must be strong. But the more a couple can discuss their feelings, the less painful their grieving will be.

“After my wife had a miscarriage, I felt empty inside,” says Bob, a young husband. “Later, my concerns were for my wife and her pain. She was constantly tired and emotionally drained. I didn’t know how to help her. In addition, I found that friends and family didn’t expect me to grieve. I guess they figured it was my wife who had carried the baby and gone through the miscarriage. I felt like I was on the outside. But I felt the loss deeply, too. I kept wondering why it had happened. It was a tremendous letdown.”

How can you help when a loved one is suffering?

When I learned that a friend in a distant state had had a miscarriage, I offered a silent prayer as I stared at my computer screen, searching for words of comfort to offer. The only phrase that came to my mind was: “I cried for you today.” I typed those words and sent them in an e-mail, with another silent prayer that I had done the right thing. Although I was unsure about my actions, my friend later told me she had felt touched by my message.

Although statistics on the frequency of miscarriage vary widely, most indicate that miscarriage is fairly common. Yet that fact does not lessen the pain of those who experience this trial.

My sister-in-law Rachel knew there was always the possibility that she wouldn’t carry her baby to term, but she still was unprepared when the miscarriage occurred. Having a pregnancy go awry “isn’t something you can really prepare yourself for,” she says. “This baby was a real person to my husband and me, and still is.”

My friend Sabrina echoes Rachel’s sentiments: “When a woman learns she is pregnant, she feels an instant bond to the tiny life growing inside of her. To lose it is very painful.”

Until I became a mother, I knew little about miscarriage. As friends and family members married and started families, I observed the pain that comes with the loss of a pregnancy, and I experienced uncertainty as I tried to offer comfort during a trial I didn’t fully understand.

As I have since talked with mothers and fathers who have experienced miscarriage, I have learned there is much that others can do to be supportive of those dealing with this trial. Here are some suggestions these couples have offered.
Respect Others’ Privacy

People may be curious about a couple’s plans to have children after they marry. Although questions about these plans may seem innocent, they can cause pain when a couple is experiencing difficulty starting a family.

Rachel had to wait a year after her miscarriage before she could consider trying to have another baby. Questions about why she and her husband were delaying the start of their family only added to the difficulty of waiting. The timing of children is a personal matter and should be left to the couple and Heavenly Father.

We should also avoid passing judgment on a couple because of a miscarriage. No one should consider a lost pregnancy the “mother’s fault.” Most miscarriages have unknown causes.
Don’t Minimize the Loss

Now is not the time to share stories of other couples who have experienced similar losses. Doing so may be perceived as an effort to minimize the pain a husband and wife feel.

Sabrina says, “I had a hard time when people related stories of others who had had miscarriages. I especially didn’t like it when people told me about others who had more problems than I did, like ‘Susie had five miscarriages in a row.’ I knew there were people whose experiences were more difficult than mine, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t hurting in my own way.”
Recognize That Both Parents Experience Loss

A mother who has lost her baby experiences a particular kind of grief, but the father needs support too.

Rachel says, “I was the one in tears whom people hugged and loved and comforted. My husband just seemed to comfort me and forget about himself. Others didn’t really recognize the loss of our baby as our loss. I know Bennett felt strongly for the little one that was growing inside of me and longed to have the child just as much as I did. But he didn’t express the same emotions outwardly. And there wasn’t the feeling that expressing those emotions would have been socially accepted either.”

Both fathers and mothers look forward to the births of their children. Although a mother may be more open about the loss of her baby, a father also can draw strength from the love and support of others.
Ask How You Can Help

Simple acts of service can ease the strain on family members as they cope with their loss. An offer to help with everyday tasks such as cooking, cleaning, running errands, or grocery shopping might help lighten the load.

The thoughtful act of a friend made all the difference to Kristina and her husband, Dustin. She says, “When I got home from spending eight hours in the emergency room, a friend had a meal waiting for us. This was greatly appreciated since I had no desire or energy to make anything, and I hadn’t eaten for more than 20 hours.”

If the couple has other children, you might ask if you could take them for a few hours to allow the couple or mother some private time. Many parents appreciate opportunities to get out and focus on something other than their pain.

For Kristina, a visit from a family member was a welcome distraction: “I was fortunate that my mother flew down to be with me. I needed to talk about what had happened. My mom also helped me get out of the house, which made me more upbeat.” Dustin was grateful as well to know his wife was receiving additional emotional support.

Consider asking the couple if they would like you to inform others about their loss. Rachel and her husband thought the prospect of explaining repeatedly to others that they were no longer expecting a baby would be draining. When people whom they hadn’t personally informed approached the two of them with words of sympathy, they felt relieved. They appreciated others’ genuine compassion and concern.
Support in Simple Ways

Many parents say that one of the most comforting phrases is simply “I’m sorry for your loss.” Reaching out and offering a listening ear is one of the greatest services that can be offered after a miscarriage. Many couples feel validated when their loss is acknowledged and they know someone is willing to listen, no matter how long their grieving lasts.

A simple, heartfelt note or card can brighten a grieving parent’s day. Sabrina says she was comforted when a friend sent her an e-card expressing words of sympathy.

Damarys, another mother who experienced a miscarriage, was touched when a friend brought her yellow roses.

The Savior’s Example

The Savior provided the perfect example of how to respond to the pain and mourning of a loved one. After Lazarus’s death, Christ traveled to Bethany to be with Martha and Mary. To Martha He offered His testimony of life after death and asked her to reaffirm her testimony. When Mary expressed her grief over the loss of her brother, the scriptures simply state, “Jesus wept” (John 11:35).

The simplest acts can mean the most as a husband and wife come to terms with the loss of their baby. As we seek to follow the Savior’s example, we can help ease the pain of those we love.

-Summer Thorp, “Easing the Pain of Miscarriage,” Ensign, Jan 2007, 54–57
http://tinyurl.com/24t9cst

It is hard for us fertile people to even imagine the emotions and mental state of those struggling with infertility, particularly after a failed IVF attempt. You're doing the right thing by asking people for advice, but I would take it one step further and look up internet forums and boards and blogs dealing specifically with infertility, so that you can see first-hand and try to experience the sadness and grief they are feeling. It's not "just" a miscarriage (even though many women process a miscarriage with as much grief as the loss of a newborn), it's the death of her dream-baby, perhaps her only chance at having a baby grow inside her (depending on whether they can afford another chance). Plus, the hormones she is or has been on can make her very emotional as well.

I would suggest sending a card and just say, "I'm so sorry for your loss, and I don't know what to say. Just know that I love you and am thinking of you all the time, and when you're ready, I'll be here for you."

I think you handle this the way you would with any loss/trauma. I wouldn't ask her how she is feeling or any specific questions. Call her and just chat. If she wants to open up she will. Also, invite her out to lunch or coffee, your treat. And the other mom is right. Not with your kids if possible. This will only depress her. Shutting down and not reaching out to anyone can be a sign of depression. If you really care about her just listen to her and know she probably feels guilty and angry and sad. Just keep that in mind.

She probably needs an antidepressant. That said, I would show up at her house with a lunch and hold her hand while she cries. She needs all the listeners she can get. No words are needed, just pats.