My older sister (31) just got married in November and they were lucky enough to get pregnant on the first try. She was about 4 weeks along, but miscarried this morning. She knew something was wrong, and I just hate this for her. They have waited for so long to have a baby and were both over the moon about their little one. I'm so, so sad for them.
Without being annoying to her, how can I help her through this? I never had one and have no idea the pain that comes with it. I don't want to overwhelm or smother her/them, but what they to know I'm there if they need me.
Unfortunately, she is an 8 hour drive away. We talk often on the phone, and email/FB daily. I hope I'll be able to tell if something is up. Her husband is the most supportive and sensitive man I have EVER met in my life. I am sure he will be nothing but comforting to her, I just hope he can handle it in his own way also.
I told her to call me anytime, day or night already, but I hope she listens. Thank you mamas!
My MIL said the sweetest thing ever....when I went thru my miscarriage, she said, "well, we now have one in Heaven". & with that, I felt Peace.
Having had three miscarriages myself, here is what I would do:
First, stick with "I'm so sorry" and a lot of reflective listening. There are very few people I know who have had miscarriages who appreciate "It's all in God's plan" or "It was probably for the best" or "maybe it wasn't the right time" or "I can't imagine.... how awful" or anything like that. Sticking with "I'm sorry" might seem lame, but it's effective.
Since you live far away, get them a voucher for a food delivery service in their area. Lots of cities have businesses which sell vouchers which allow a person to choose from an online list of restaurants and menus. I found that going back out into 'normal' society was very, very hard. If not that, if they like some place for take-out (like Papa Murphys or something like that) get them a gift certificate. Not having to cook is nice when you're grieving. No one really wants to eat... but it's necessary.
Make sure she asks for help if she needs it. If she's having horrible cramping, have her talk to her OB/GYN or primary about getting some prescription pain relief. The doctors will want to also check her out in the next few days or so, so she does need to be in contact. They will also tell her what she needs to watch out for and precautions she should take to ensure her future reproductive health.
Send flowers if you like. My in-laws did, and it was a very kind thing for them to honor the pregnancy and the loss.
Above all, just listen when she calls. Send her caring little emails every so often, just so she knows she's not forgotten and that you are available. If she has a very hard time getting past this, suggest a support group for families who have experienced this sort of loss. Counseling may help. The feelings following miscarriage are not usually limited to the loss of the baby, but also other hopes, fears and baggage that we carry. One good book I really liked, which helped was "Unspeakable Losses:Healing from Miscarriage, Abortion and Other Pregnancy Loss" by Kim Kluger-Bell.
Lastly, don't join her if she starts to throw her husband under the bus. I was crazy-furious with my husband at the time of our miscarriage (he was out of town, we had work being done on the house he didn't want stopped, although I did tell them to go away for a few days); a lot of women get angry because their husbands aren't suffering the way they did. Guys have no clue how physically painful it can be, and they tend to be very stoic, wanting things to just 'go back to normal'...some retreat into themselves, this being a problem they can't fix or solve. So, listen, understand, but remember that this is one moment of their relationship that guys typically DO NOT do well with. And they are hurting a lot too.
ETA: Julie, I am so glad you had a good "it's all for the best" experience. However, for some, it can seem dismissive of their feelings-- I think that was what I was getting at. Even with percentages being what they are, when we *really* want a baby.... even knowing that there was a good reason the pregnancy wasn't viable, it was soooo hard.
I've had a couple of miscarriages, but also come from the old school that I did not tell anyone outside my immediate family that I was expecting until after missing my second period.
When I lost a pregnancy at 12 weeks, I received a lot of kind and compassionate cards and even meals. One of the sweetest cards I remember receiving was from a neighbor, who simply wrote, "There are no magic words to make this better. Please know I am here and understand."
Your sister's hormones will fluctuate greatly over the next few weeks as her cycles normalize. Just listen and call and chat.
ooh Rachel!!!
I'm soooo sorry!!!
Other than being there for her - there's not much you can do. As one who has lost 3 babies...it's hard. For me - losing Alexis at 22 weeks was the hardest as I had felt her moving, kicking, etc. the other two were 12 and 14/16 weeks so the flutters were there but not like 22 weeks.
She was REALLY early in the pregnancy...that doesn't diminish the loss...just let her know she can come to you. Although she won't want to hear it - tell her when she's ready to hear that she should wait a good 3 months before trying again.
Make sure she visits her OB/GYN too...that early she shouldn't have any complications, but you never know...
Hugs to you and her!!!
I had a miscarriage once at 6 weeks.
For me, I did not want to talk to anyone, besides my Husband.
It is a sad time naturally.
And it takes time... to get over it.
I just wanted to "cocoon" by myself.
Because, talking to anyone, even if a close friend, meant that I had to... over and over and over and over and over, remember it and talk about it. And I did not want to do that. It did not help.
The only time talking to someone else helped, was with a friend of mine that had had, a miscarriage herself. Because she "knew" what I was going through.
My Husband had a hard time too, with it. But often, it is mostly the woman... that gets any sympathy. But it is awkward and hard, for the Husband, too.
And the last thing I wanted, was visitors or company. Because I was not in the mood to "entertain" or to put on a "brave face" just for the visitors. Even that is VERY hard to, do.
Just let her know you are there for her.
And give her space if she needs that. For as long as she needs it.
And, without being obvious, just look out for her by observing her to see if she is having a hard time coping. If she is, then look out for depression symptoms etc. And then, suggest that she see her Doctor etc.
Sadly, I have had 4 miscarriages and pretty much agree with what Hazel said. When people were telling me "it was God's .Will," and stuff like that, I kinda wanted to punch them. It might have been God's will, but at the time I really wanted a baby and be pregnant and saying things like that wasn't helpful. What was helpful was people listening to me and just letting me cry. Everyone around me was pregnant and it's really hard emotionally and physically. Physically, at 4 weeks, it feels like horrible period cramps. My second miscarriage was at 4 weeks. It really hurts and the body is going through contractions to remove the baby and all the lining.
She's not going to want to cook so a delivery service would be really nice.
My sister's and I have a tradition that we give each other baby rings when our babies are born. I bought myself a simple baby ring for my pinky ring to honor the babies that were mone but didn't make it.
I like to tell people that I can be the "middle of the night emotional-distress call girl"! Because that's when it will hit your sister the most and when she feels like she can't reach out to people because the world is asleep and she feels like she's cried to hubby too much.
I have had 3 miscarriages and 1 ectopic that ended with methotrexate and I handled each of them very differently, so I would definitely take your cue from her and her hubby.
Reactions to a miscarriage can vary widely and at 4-6 weeks I wish we didn't even have FRER pregnancy tests because sooooo many end in miscarriage and now people are more upset than they really need to be (not that miscarriage isn't difficult.... it is). but the reality is that 30% of all pregnancies aren't viable, so this is fairly common.... which is soooo not helpful and helpful all that the same time.
The biggest thing I think you could do is make sure they are dealing with their emotions TOGETHER. Not going to opposite corners. This stuff can wreak havoc on a marriage if they don't grieve and heal together, especially since they were so excited so quickly.
She may struggle with not having any answers. MOST of the time there aren't any. She may be frustrated because her Dr WON'T do testing or she may be freaked out because he WANTS to do testing.
Mostly, just listen.
When she will REALLY need support is next time she's pregnant because she will worry every day all day.
Good Luck!
I disagree with Hazel. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage. When I realized that "it was probably for the best," i.e. 1 in 4 pregnancies result in a miscarriage due to "issues," I felt so much better and felt no need to mourn. Instead, we waited two months and moved forward with getting pregnant again.
Miscarriages are natures way of making sure we have healthy babies. Yes, they suck. Yes, they are painful. Yes, they ripe your heart out. But, knowing that they are nature's way of making sure we have healthy babies sure made a difference to me in terms of how quickly I got over the loss.
With that said, only your sister knows what she needs to hear to move on. Just do active listening. That's all you can really do.
There is not too much to say. I know in my case, I just really didn't want to talk about it any more. I didn't want to rehash things. I wanted to grieve and move on. My sisters both let me know they were there for me. I got little "how you doing" messages from them. That was nice. They weren't pushy or prying, but letting me know they were there if I needed them. One sister, about a week or so after, sent me an email that said "Dinner is covered tonight. Take the evening off and enjoy some time with the family". I was curious, she lives 15 hours away (by car). A few hours later pizza arrived with drinks and dessert included. It was a small, long distance gesture, but it was really appreciated.
My sister sent me a card and I think that was the best thing she could have done. She was far away. Like others, I just wanted to be with my husband. I didn't really want phone calls and I didn't want visitors. But its nice to know people are thinking of you.
If you are close by - take her a favorite meal and drink (starbucks or something stronger ;) ) and just hug her then tell her that you are there for her - let her lead the conversation and go with the flow.
If you are far away - send her a message/call her and tell her you love her and again let her lead the conversation and go with the flow. Send her a gift card for something just for her
