Miscarriage in the Family – Should I Send a Card?

SEnd the card. Nothing with advise. As one who went through 2 miscarriages I can tell you advise stinks, caring helps. You don't need to say much. Just say what you said in the email to "us"; it sounded so truely caring. She will receive it with gratitude. Just remember:It may go unnoted publicly by her. Doing so means talking about this terrible loss and she may not be ready to do that for a very long time. But then again you're not doing this for acknowledgement but out of love and concern.

I would send a card saying exactly what you just told us, it was very caring and thoughtful. Having had a miscarriage myself, I would have greatly appreciated it! I heard a lot of "it must not have been the right time" "everthing happens for a reason" and while in my head I knew this to have some truth to it, my heart was still very sad and I would have loved for someone like you to send a card with what you just said.

Send a card or some flowers. It will let her know you are thinking of her without talking with her. I had a miscarriage and it took awhile for me to talk with anyone, my mother in law sent some flowers and I thought it was so great. Its a hard time for her so send some flowers and wait to hear from her. Peace to you all.

I think a card mailed to her home would be absolutely LOVELY.

I would definitely avoid saying anything about trying again for another baby, etc. And would just write something like, "I can't imagine what you are going through, but I wanted you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. If there is anything I can do, please let me know."

I would also ask that you send her a "Thinking of You" card in six months to repeat the sentiment. So often, people receive a flood of sympathy in the days after a tragedy but the person suffering from the tragedy is shell shocked and overwhelmed. But, at about the time they are feeling the need and desire to talk about the pain, etc. everyone else seems to have forgotten about it and are going on about their business. (Usually everyone feels too awkward to reach out after too much time has gone by.) I think your ex-sister-in-law would be touched and grateful to receive a second card in several months. I know I would!

(And bless your heart for wanting to do something for her!)

I think a card is very apropraite. I had a misscarage and recieved cards and flowers. It meant a lot. A card is great because you do not have to repond unless you feal the need to. Just don't use any of these phrases...

"It wasn't meant to be.."
It was gods will..
You already have a child...
Etc.

Treat it like a death, because that is what it is to the mother.

Jennifer,
It is very thoughtful of you to write this post! My heart goes out to your sister in law. I never know how to respond to someone who has lost a pregnancy. I have usually offered a thoughtful card that just reads: "Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. I am sorry for your loss." For a close friend of mine, I sent her a hearty viney flowering bush to plant in her yard in rememberence of her little one. The bush is now 4 years old and flowers in the spring. She says she appreciates being able to see the flowers and think of her son, but I dont think this would be appropriate for everyone. Each woman grieves differently. Good luck

A card that lets her know that you are there if she wants to talk about it would be nice.

Yes, send a card. I recently lost my son at 5 weeks of age; it's made me even more empathetic to mothers who never have a chance to meet their little ones. It is a loss no matter what. Some family friends sent us a book that has helped IMMENSELY with dealing with the loss: "Finding Hope When a Child Dies," by Sukie Miller, PhD. It's a study of how different cultures handle the loss of a child, be it thru miscarriage, abortion, natural causes, accident or violence. It has given me ways to think about my son that aren't so painful. She might appreciate the book as well.
And pray for them; if your prayers are structured or just sending them positive thoughts of strength and healing, they will help. Knowing they aren't alone in their pain doesn't make it go away but it can ease the sense of alone-ness.

Yes, you are acknowledging her loss and grief. I found many people didn't do this when I suffered a miscarriage and found it incredibly hurtful and isolating. It's very thoughtful of you.

Send her a card, not an e-mail as this is way to impersonal for such a tragic event. Even though she sent out the e-mail I would still opt for the card.

Hope that helps.

Dear Jennifer:
Yes, send a card acknowledging her loss. I lost my first child who was stillborn and stillborn/miscarriage, you lose a baby either way. The best thing anyone did was to send a card acknowledging my loss and how sorry they were. I also received a lot of books about stillborn death and miscarriage too. Acknowledging my baby made him more real although he never took his first breath but he did exist for 9 months and until this day people still acknowledge him by talking about him. I enjoy that very much. IF you have any other questions, please feel free to contact me.

Thanks!
Steph
____@____.com

Absolutely you should send a card. As a woman who has had a late miscarriage, I can tell you that it is devastating. The loss is compounded by having made the announcement and being forced to relive the loss every time you have to tell someone. It can be a very isolating feeling because no one really knows what to say or do...And even though there are no good words to express your sympathy for her, the card will be so much appreciated. Nothing will take the pain away, but reaching out to her will let her know that she has support when she is ready to receive it. Please send a card and let her know that you care. I'll be thinking of her too.

I can tell you from experience that a miscarriage is so hard for so many reasons. A card would be nice. Saying anything is better than saying nothing.

YES! Without a doubt. I was a labor and postpartum doula for a long time. Part of our training involved stillbirth and miscarriage training. Mom needs to be acknowledged and supported during her loss. The worst thing is to pretend it didn't happen. Earth Mama Angel Baby has a wonderful baby loss gift that you could consider sending and they have tips for you on how to react to her loss.

http://www.earthmamaangelbaby.com/healing_hearts.html

Please keep us posted and good luck!

As someone who has had a miscarriage and with a sister and sister-in-law with 3 miscarriages between them, I would strongly suggest you do send a card. A lot of people write off miscarriages as not a big deal, but to that mom and dad, they lost their baby. Since she's been pretty private about it, a card would be really nice because she doesn't need to talk about it in a phone call or in person, but she will definitely know you are thinking of her. I have had friends respond very positively and be very touched when I have sent cards in similar situations. That's very thoughtful of you.

I would definetly send something in any form. Just think about what you would want if the roles were reversed. Good luck.

Yes, yes, yes. Send a real card and write what you think she would/needs to hear. My sis has had four miscarriages and I have tried to be there every step of the way. I have gone through infertility (other end of this) and know when people do let you know they are thinking of you, it does help the hurt. And I know you know this, but don't say "you already have one". Just try to tell her you are sorry for her loss of her baby (let her know you grieve for your niece/nephew) as it is a real part of your family and always will be. Thanks for thinking of her, it helps every woman out there that has gone through miscarriage/infertility issues.

Hi J.,

I would send a nice, small gift basket or flowers (I say small, because a large basket or bouquet might overwhelm her) and a card... if you can't find a card that you find appropriate, then you can get a blank one, and write simply "You are in our/my thoughts in this difficult time. We are here for you."

What a sweet positive thing to do! I think it should make her feel your support and care for her. I would do it if you are just saying something like "my heart is with you", but not something like " It's God's plan for you trust..." The last statement is telling her to accept that she lost her child, not hurt inside and move on because God would want it"Just feeling your support is enough and can't be taken any other way. R.

I would just send a card and acknowledge her miscarriage. That will mean so much. I speak from experience because i had a miscarriage and cards were so helpful.
Thanks
A.

I've learned from people who have experienced loss that they do want support and comfort; all too often we don't know what to do, so we leave them alone, which makes them feel even worse. Definitely reach out to her.

During my miscarriage, my sister and a few dear friends sent cards expressing their sympathies. It was lovely and although I didn't necessarily want to talk to them about it, my partner and I felt that our loss was acknowledged in a lovely, low-key way. His parents sent flowers, too.

"I'm sorry" and "You and your family are in our/my thoughts and prayers" is a lovely sentiment. Nothing more needs to be said.

Don't give it another thought; just hurry and send her a heart felt email about how bad you feel. She is probably feeling the loss really hard and isn't sure how people feel about her. It could open up a friendship for the two of you. Wouldn't that be a true blessing since we all need more friends.

I have gone through 2 miscarriages myself, the first one was very public because we had told everyone (it was our 1st pregnancy) and the second only our parents knew. After the first one we recieved some cards from a variety of people and I really appreciated it. It not only confimed to me that we were loved, but that people understood how big of a deal it was to us. So - I would find a card that fit the situation and go ahead and send it - they made me cry when I got them but I also felt loved and validated with my feelings. Hope that helps! A. R.

YES! Send her a card and let her know you are thinking of her and praying for her if you do pray. We lost a baby at 19 weeks and it was devestating. The cards and emails we got and the prayers that were being said for us were huge in helping us heal. You could even send her flowers. She needs to know thats she is not alone. Love M.

Jennifer, it is considerate of you to be so aware of how your sister-in-law might be feeling. I can share that I have had three miscarriages. They were our first three pregnancies, and we had announced the first as soon as we found out and the third the last week of my first trimester (we didn't announce the 2nd pregnancy to the entire family). We lost those babies shortly after announcing the pregnancies. The most unhelpful thing anyone said to me was "at least you weren't too far along". In our minds, they were already our babies, and we grieved like we would any death. The 2nd and 3rd miscarriages were even harder than the first because there was also fear that we would never have the child(ren) we so desperately wanted.

In my opinion, I think you should let your sister-in-law know that you sympathize, and that you are available if she needs anything. If your relationship is close, you might show up at her place with some girly movies and ice cream and give her a time to cry. Best wishes to you all!

Having had a miscarriage myself I would have appreciated someone just picking up the phone to say they were sorry for my loss. Give me a shoulder to cry on. It is such a tough time nothing you can say will other than to say you care and you are there if she needs/wants to talk. Good Luck and I'm sorry for your family's loss.

Yes, Please send the card. I have had two miscarriages- only one people knew about. I was touched by the few people who acknowledged my loss in a respectful way- a card was perfect because it acknowledged it without a (possibly) uncomfortable conversation.

You've probably already sent a card, but I would recommend a note just to say hi and that you're thinking of her. That's what I wanted after my similar situation.

Having gone through a miscarriage and the pain of the aftermath I would suggest not making a big deal of it. The hardest part for me when I lost my baby was having people come up to me for weeks with one of two responses "Hows the pregnancy coming?" or "I heard about the baby I am so sorry." The first one was the hardest for it made me have to retell every time that I had miscarried. If you send her a card make it simple. Don't expand on the fact that she lost the baby. Tell her she is in your thoughts and prayers and that she is important to you and if she needs to she can talk to you.

I would definitely send a card. I've sent flowers to two friends in the past with a short note. I basically said that I am sorry for their loss and if they want to talk about (or don't want to) that I am there to support them. It's a very tough time and I'm so sorry for your sister-in-law.

I think an e-mail or care would be a great idea. Talking on the phone or in person may be painful for her. But if you take a moment to share your heartfelt thoughts it would probably be appriciated. A miscarriage can be very tramatic, especially if she was showing and the family knew about it. I know if it were me and I have had a similar experience, I would have been touched.

How about a package of Seeds of Hope and a card? There's a website with advice on what to say/what not to say, etc www.BabyLossComfort.com.

Hi Jennifer ~ As a woman/mom who suffered 3 miscarriages in a row, within 13 months, it sure was nice to have someone say that they were sorry for what had happened and if they could do anything. It is an emotional time and support is always nice. I would either give your sister-in-law a call or send her a "friendship" card, just stating that if she needs to talk to someone that you are there for her. Hope this helps!
N.

I had a miscarriage and would have so appreciated some cards showing sympathy. Instead I got your young and you'll have more or it's a blessing that you never had to see your baby. It hurt even more not to get some support from people.

On the other hand, you know your sister-in-law best. I might try talking to your brother just to get his opinion of the situation. He would know if sending a card would make it worse or not.

I think it is okay to respond....she sent out an email so obviously she wanted family and friends to know her loss. Just a simple card letting her know you care is always appreciated. Good Luck

I would send her a handwritten card. She must have been a little far along if she was showing.

I think it's a great idea to send a card letting her know that you are praying for her and that you're there for her. . As someone who has had three miscarriages, ( I also have 3 beautiful children) I always appreciated people showing that they cared, it helps to feel like you're not alone in it. On the flip side, I wanted to be treated normally and be allowed to be as private as I needed to be regarding our loss. As crazy as it sounds, when you have miscarriages, especially more than one, it can make you feel like a failure. Like your body is defective or something. And that is really hard to talk about to anybody. So if she doesn't want to talk about the miscarriage with anybody, the biggest gift you can give her is to just act normal around her and try to get her mind off it as best as you can. When I had mine, my sister-in-law was the one person, besides my husband who help me get through it. She tried to get me out as much as possible and was there to listen whenever I needed. And when unfortunately, she had a miscarriage I was able to help her in the same way. I hope this helps. God bless you!!

I have miscarried myself. It was nice to hear people say "I'm sorry", instead of ignoring it. Since she sent the information in an email, just about anything form of response would be acceptable or appropriate (card, phone call, email). I guess it depends on the nature of your relationship or how close you are. I hope this helps!

our family lost a baby a few years ago and didnt tell family until after the birth of the following child. it would have been nice to have shared the info with them and recieved condolances.

Please do something to recognise her loss. ( not an email, too impersonal)

I think you definitely should send a card and let her know you care. I had a miscarriage afer having told many family members and friends that I was pregnant, and the cards and flowers I received meant so much to me. I think it's important to acknowledge that the loss is a real one, even though the baby was unborn, and not just ignore it or try to move on as if it never happened. I suppose each person's comfort level is different, but that's how I felt going through it, and how I would try to treat a family member who experienced a pregnancy loss.

Yes, yes, yes! I had a miscarriage at the end of 2007 and it changed my outlook on how significant a loss it is to the mom to be. I received a few heartfelt cards and they really meant the world to me. It has been much harder than I thought to get through (I don't know if you get over the loss of a child?)the miscarriage and everyone's kind thoughts and words have helped me feel hope for the next pregnancy.

I had 3 miscarriages before I had my now 19 month old daughter. I would have been appreciative to have received a card from a family memnber. Just let her know you're thinking of her and there to help if she needs it. If that offends her I guess you took the risk. I don't know why someone would be upset by that (but it takes all types to make the world go round):). Good luck with your decision-I would send the card knowing in my heart I was trying to help. It may make you closer.

I believe it would be GREATLY appreciated if you sent a supportive card about her loss. I had a miscarriage as well, and was deeply touched by the cards and phone calls I received as I was dealing with the loss. When people didn't respond or avoided me I felt as though the thought my feelings weren't valid. Just letting her know that you are there to listen would be fantastic.

Hi Jennifer,
I just last week heard about my cousin going through the very same thing, I don't live near her and couldn't reach her by phone, and I don't have an address of hers since I lost my address book, so I did what I could, I sent her an e-mail to encourage her, to not give up and gave her examples of women we both know that went through the same loss but still had success later on. Just don't let her give up hope on what she wants. I so would love to visit my cousin to give her a hug and talk to her, if only I wasn't so far away, so I just did what I could for her.

YES! Send her a card. I have had a few miscarriages as well. The first one I had I was in my 2nd tri-mester so we had told the family. I recieved a few cards and I cherrished them. It was so touching to me to hear that other people were feeling the same sadness that I was. Please, Please, Please, send her a card and tell her what is in your heart.

Jennifer,
I know it is hard to be in your situation as well as for your sister-in-law. It is always hard to make the decision as to when to tell the family you are trying or that you are actually expecting. I know they didn't share the first one with people and well there is nothing you could do about that. But since this one you did know about and the loss of a child is hard. Just follow your heart. You know your family and relationship best. You do seem like you care and want her to know too so let her know. A card, a phone call just because, an afternoon of shopping, lunch, whatever it is just being there and caring is good.

I know I appreciated this when we were trying for our first. I had 4 losses and it was nice to know I wasn't alone. I hope this helps and sending you and your family my heart and prayers.

Yes! Show support. I've had 7 and I'm the type of person that like to talk things out and believe me it helps when someone is there to talk about it. Yes I cried but need to do that to. I think it was the worst when people didn't want to talk to you about it. And with some it was like it never happened. Just be kind show support they need it.

If she is usually private keep anything low-key. It is a tough decision because I wouldn't want to remind her, but I have been told by others they think about the miscarriage anyhow. So a simple card saying your thoughts and prayers are with them. Or a simple thinking of you card or care package without directly mentioning the miscarriage.

Well not a card but is she close enough for a lunch date? Dont talk about it just let her do it if need be. What she needs most is love not reminders

Jennifer~
It is very kind of you to offer this sentiment to your brother's family. Personnally, I didn't want to talk about having a misscarriage. I needed to deal with the loss and pain, and didn't like the questions and or people asking me how I was. But each person is very different with how they deal with things. My husband went out and got a tattoo of a broken heart...that only we know is there. I planted a beautiful rose bush, Josephs Coat of many colors, and it is almost 4 years old and gorgeous. Maybe a kind word, such as..I'm here if you ever need me, or please let me know if I can help. And leave it at that? It is a very private time for the couple. But it is a wonderful feeling to know that when they are ready, they will have a support system around them that has been praying and sending their love for them.
It's so hard!!!!
Best wishes to you and your family.

I would send a card saying how sorry you are and aksing her to let you know when she is ready for help or company or anything like that. That way she knows your there but doesn't have to talk to you (for a lack of a better phrase) until she is ready. Let her guide you about what she wants. Some people need to talk about it and some just don't want to. Good luck.

I would send a short letter or note. Not a card. Be careful of your wording. But I'm sure that she would be glad to know that you care and are there if she need anything.

Hi Jennifer,

I agree with everyone else--I think you should send her a card.

I had a miscarriage also, and my heart goes out to her. You are so kind to think of her.

K. W

Jennifer,

I would send a card. I don't know if they're around anymore, but Blue Mountain cards have some wonderfully poetic phrases. The loss of a baby is a hard thing to bear, she really needs to know she's surrounded by love and support right now.

Hope this helps,
Condolences,
Melissa

I think it is totally appropriate to send a card. There is even a miscarriage pamper kit made by earth mama angel baby that I would strongly recomend. Here is a link to it below through www.punkin-butt.com which is a WAHM website. Most items on it are made by Mom's. I know when I had my miscarriage's I wished I had had something like this.

http://www.punkinbutt.com/product_info.php?manufacturers_...

S.

Having been through her situation I can tell you from my experience, calls and cards did nothing but make me relive the whole thing in my mind but a small bouquet of white flowers really touched my heart. I would suggest a simple saying and not too much mush.

My suggestion: "it takes both sunshine and rain to make a rainbow"

J.

Send her a thinking of you card. A simple line of "You're in my thoughts and prayers" or "Thinking of you" will do. You could drop by a casserole or dinner for the 3 of them. Give them their time, their space. If she likes flowers, have some delivered with the same simple message of thinking of you. Call me anytime...

Take your cues from her and your brother. It's a difficult time for them, and for all of you.

Take good care of one another.

Yep, she is family, that is not overstepping bounds... bad manners not to send a card or give a phone call. That is what family is for.

Yes please do. A miscarriage is the death of a child and should be acknowledged as such. ITs hard for those who are not the parents especially the mother to understand the extreme loss one is suffering. Having been through one in January it was very comforting to receive cards, notes and flowers from those who were mourning with us.

YES, I think it would be incredibly thoughtful and appreciated if you sent a card.

I had 4 miscarriages before my son was born. Hardly anyone acknowledged my immense loss (each time) and the few who did will forever remain in my close to my heart.

I've sent flowers. To both family members and a friend when this has happenend. I think about what I would find comforting and do that. FTD online....you can find a flower dealer near her :)

I agree. Yes--definitely. I had a miscarriage in January and some friends even brought over meals for our family and sent me flowers. I know their prayers and thoughtfulness helped bring me through that rough season.

Somehow, an e-card just seems flippant to my mind, but I think a real, paper card would be appropriate for the situation. And I think she'll be grateful for the support. THe women I know who have had miscarriages say the loneliness is the worst part.

How about a card that just lets her know you care and that she is in your thoughts?
We were never able to have bio kids and everyone got weird about it. Be your loving self and reach out and just love her and let her know you are standing by if she needs to talk or cry!

D.

Send the card. It's public knowledge, and believe me, all condolences make a difference. It sounds like she's had to grieve alone before -- and that is the hardest thing of all. She needs to know that many people are thinking and praying for her. It helps.

Definitely send a card. Just simple, "I'm thinking about you." When I had a miscarriage, it was really nice to have someone acknowledge it. Miscarriage is always so hidden that you can feel shameful if it happens to you.

I had a miscarriage this last fall. I didn't feel that anyone HAD to send a card. It felt really nice when my mother in law did send me a card. I would not send an e-card though. It is just so nice to get something in the mail that says that someone cares about you and is thinking of you.