Loss of Baby - Littleton,CO

I know you got a lot of responses. Have you considered sending her a card when the baby would have been due? Someone did that for me and it meant a lot. I now do that when I find out someone lost a baby.

I lost my baby at 16 weeks and although it was difficult to read all of the cards that I received - I appreciated all of them and still have them 5 years later. It was just nice to know that people were thinking of me and didn't diminish the pain of the loss that I was experiencing. You don't have to say anything profound.

As someone who has suffered two miscarriages, I'd say to just send her a card that you're thinking of her and sending hugs her way. Nothing more, and certainly not ignoring.
You sound like a good and loving friend. She'll talk if and when she's ready. :)

I've also lost 2 babies. There was a sweet lady who I had just been getting to know just as I had the second miscarriage. I had a delivery to make at her house and she gave me a hug and said "I have something for you" and gave me a gift bag. I asked "What's this for?" And she said "I just want you to know I'm here for you."
Inside the bag was a nice lotion and some bath salts. The card just said how grateful she was that I had come into her life and for our freindship and that she wanted me to know if I needed anything she would be there.
She didn't assume I would want to talk, just let me know if I did that her door was open. Didn't say she understood even though later I discovered she had lost a couple of babies as well. She didn't even say she was sorry for my loss, we both knew what she was referring to--so in that situation it was fine to not say that. When I called to thank her she said, just remember to take care of yourself during this time as well. It was the last thing on my mind. But she was right. And I was forgetting to do that. The bath salts were used. The lotion is still used and I always remember how thoughtful that was and I cherish that memory. Reaching out will help. Both of you. I've lost contact with this friend since then but I will always be thankful that God put her in my life for that moment. Trust your instincts on what to say, what to do. We are nurturing by nature, this is a time to let the nurturing come through.

DEFINITELY...send her a card, flowers, letter or call. Tell her you are sorry for her loss. DON'T tell her you know what she is going through because you don't. Just express your sympathy and discuss other subjects (probably talking about your child would not be appreciated). If possible, try to set up a date to have lunch or just get together and spend some time talking, shopping, etc. Just let her know you are thinking about her.

I have had two miscarriages. The most meaningful gift was a Peace Lilly in a large ceramic pot. Istill have it. It was from y husband's work and we ddn't know them that well back then. It meant a lot. It only said: "Our thoughts are with you." So say something simple. How about a mum this time of year, she can plant it in the yard later. Never say anything like : I know what you are going through, etc. Keep simple and positive to just say: I acknowledge your loss. Tell her that her family is in your prayers if you are religious.

J.,

Absolutely send a condolence card. Just remember to keep it brief, don't make it about you, and don't try to fix her pain because you can't.

Our best friends lost their baby just 28 days after her birth, and it was so hard to just BE with them without trying to do or say anything to fix it, but that was what they needed. My friend said the worst thing for them was when people handed out the cliches - time will heal your pain, she's better off in heaven, God must have needed another angel, etc. She said that the best thing was when people just said "I'm sorry. We're grieving with you." So that's what I would do. Just keep it simple. Tell her you're sorry for her loss, and that she is in your thoughts and/or your prayers.

If you two have not been close, she is unlikely to call you at 3am to talk, but she will appreciate your kind thoughts.

Best of luck,
S.

Just understand that this is a very difficult time for your friend. I lost a baby at 37 weeks pregnant two years ago. It is the most unexplainable pain you can think of. There are no comforting words. I think sending her a card or a letter would be completely fine. Just knowing that there are people out there that care and are there to listen is a huge help. We also received a couple of books that really helped me, maybe you could suggest them to your friend. They are Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah L. Davis and Losing You Too Soon by Bernadette Keaggy. I hope this helps both you and your friend.

Dear J. - I lost a baby at 20 weeks last year and I do encourage you to send a card - I received all kinds of cards from people I haven't spoken to in a long time. The most thoughtful cards simply said - I am so sorry for the loss of your child - our hearts go out to you. Any kind of advice or wisdom seemed so pat and unhelpful - advice such as "there's a reason for these things, it's God's way, you'll have another, etc."

Pleae convey my sorrow for her and her family. The best thing for you to do, is take care of the little one's in her home. Give her a her husband time to greive on their own. Together. Unless, we've been through it, we don't know how they feel and words are useless. Clean the house for them. They will remember that for a long time. Prayers go forth tonight.

I lost a couple of pregnancies... earlier than this but in one case we'd already seen the heartbeat. I'm sure that she's grieving given how far along this one was.

I would go with something like "My thoughts are with you" rather than directly mentioning the loss, given that it's been awhile since you've been in touch. I agree that getting back in touch by phone after sending the card would probably be the best way to offer emotional support. If she has three other kids and you were up for taking them for a few hours, she might appreciate some alone time to grieve.

Send her a card. Tell her you are sorry and your heart goes out to hear. Avoid the cliche's that everyone will say that really offer no support at a time like this. i.e. Maybe it was for the best, It wasn't supposed to be, at least you have other kids. things like that really won't help her. Just send your love.

Absolutely send a message of your condolences. Too often we don't know what to say, so we say nothing. It will mean much more to her than you realize since there will be many people who will pretend that it never happened. I am sure that she is hurting over the loss of her child, so she will really appreciate your thoughts and sympathy.

This same thing happened to my cousin two years ago-she found out at 24wks that her little girl was no longer alive. It was obviously an incredibly difficult experience for them, and it was compounded by the fact that myself, and five others on the same side of the family (three of whom were her sisters-in-law) were all pregnant and we had all been due within 6 weeks of each other. Most of us didn't know what to do-how we could we console her when here we all were still enjoying our pregnancies and anticipating and preparing for our babies. Unfortunately because of that, many of us avoided her. We thought of her often, but as to avoid the chance of hurting her feelings, ironically, some of us just left her to be. She has said since then that this was one of the most awkward and difficult parts of the loss-the being avoided. Of course it hurt everyday, and it certainly was difficult to see the rest of us where she should have been, but she also needed to know that we were thinking of her and praying for her.
Even just a simple card expressing your sympathies and letting them know that you are thinking of them could make a world of difference. You could even come right out and say "I'm not sure what to say, but wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you". Every time I have heard someone who has suffered a loss offer advice on what to say or do, it revolves around NOT telling them that they'll get over it, time will make it better, or you know how they feel. but focusing on just offering your sympathies, a shoulder to cry on, offering to help out with meals, other children, etc.
This http://babymckallister.blogspot.com/ is a link to a blog of someone that my cousin met who also experienced a loss-though their baby was full term. There is a list of blogs linking off this one, some of them are people who have dealt with second trimester loss, so you might find some insight there.

Hope that helps!

Hi! I lost twins to prematurity 2 1/2 yrs ago. I very much appreciated cards and letters. I wasn't always ready to talk to people on the phone though. Any acknowledgment of her loss would be helpful. Don't feel like you have to say something profound. The best thing someone wrote to me was that "God loved them so much that he wanted them with Him." It's an incredibly tough time for her and I would encourage a support group! Hope this helps.

I lost my second pregnancy in July at about 11 weeks and it was devastating. The worst thing was when people didn't aknowledge at all that we has lost the baby because they "didn't know what to say". It's much better to say you are sorry for her loss and that you love her and don't try to find anything else to say.

I think she would be very touched for you reaching out to her. I can not even imagine what she is going through right now. I would just let her know you care and you are there for her. I am so sorry for your friend's loss!

J.,

Send the card. If she is not ready for it, she will wait to open it. Trust whatever you are feeling you get to do.
It has been my experience that doubt comes from fear. Love creates a way for us to know what we get to do when we let go of the fear.

People need to share their grief with friends.
Talking about it may assist your friend to acknowledge the pain. The pain doesn't go away from not mentioning it, if anything it grows. I realize it is a challenge for some to let others express their pain, but the greatest gift we have is a listening, loving ear.

With my whole heart,
C.

I would definitely send her a card or maybe even flowers. Even if you haven't kept in close contact, you letting her know that you care and are sorry for her loss and just supporting her would still be appreciated, i'm sure. You don't have to be close to someone to send love and support. Just let her know that you care. It doesn't have to be complicated, just sincere. It is hard to lose a child anytime. I hope things go well.

First, DEFINITELY send her a card. I have found that even non-religious people repsond well to the phrase "I am praying for you." It helps further to add a scripture quote about comfort or grieving, etc. -- certainly not one that in any way implies "all things are meant to be".

Second, actually pray for her, please.

Third, her biggest joy between the two of you would be if you phoned her, maybe a week after she gets the card. I have picked up the phone in a similar situation, and gulped, and dialed, and it went very well.

God bless you both!

I lost my first baby at six months along. She inexplicably died. It was very, very, very awful. And my husband was as grief-stricken as I was. Yet, many people did not understand that we had lost a child because she had not been born yet. I think any note, card, or other remembrance acknowledging your friend's loss and reaffirming your love for her would be totally appropriate and appreciated.

J.,
If I were you, I would write a card to her, saying pretty much what you have said here. That your heart grieves for her, and that she is on your heart and mind. Let her know you care about her and are available in anyway. Then follow up with her in a few months. When my brother passed away a few years ago, I felt so alone. Few of my friends reached out to me. Then tell me now that they just didnt know what to say or do. For many of my friends this was the first time they had expreinced death of someone so young. I would have rather they tried, then not said anything at all, and left me feeling so alone and abondonded. The few friends that sent cards or just called out the blue to see how I was doing, were like life preservers in a raging ocean. A simple card or email saying "I'm thinking of you" could make my week. I know it is uncomfortable and a bit akward, but I'm sure your friend will appreciate knowing that others care about her, and in that care about the baby she lost.

Without a doubt, yes, send the card! I, unfortunately lost my firstborn too. She was fullterm stillborn. :( We received cards from all sorts of people--strangers, people I'd never really considered friends before, random family members we don't know well. ALL were appreciated. She will appreciate your thoughtfulness more than you might realize.

Please contact her fast. She is an emotional mess right now. It is so hard to lose someone close to you. I lost 2 baby boys almost 2 years apart. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to face. IT still hurts after 25 years. I do remember wanting someone close to me that I could cry with. Anyway, just don't ignore her like so many people do because they don't know what to do or say. MAybe be there in the hospital when the baby is born. I had a friend that was there for me when my 2nd baby was stillborn, and it was so comforting to know that someone cared enough about me to share this hard time with me. I am so proud of you for wanting to do something.

I think it would be totally appropriate to send her a sympathetic card, just don't appoligize for not staying in touch or be too specific:

Heard about your loss, my deepest sympathies. (Call me if you want to talk)
Sincerely,
J.

You care, but your not all-up in her perosnal business.

Hi J.,

Speaking as someone who lost a baby I can tell you that even if you haven't talked to her in years, your card would mean a lot to her. People get very wierd when you miscarry. Some people act like it's no big deal and don't acknowledge it at all.

When I had my miscarraige I was 12 weeks along and I remember a work associate who barely knew me gave me a beautiful card about God needing more angels and at the time it was the one thing that really gave me comfort.

So I say go for it. Whenever you feel the urge to reach out to someone, do it. We're the ones who keep us all separate.

I hope that helps:) I'm at home with a 4 and 6 yr old now.

Mama Love,

A.

I don't think you can ever go wrong with sending a card expressing sincere condolences.

Even if you have not talked for quite sometime, a gesture of love would be greatly appreciated by her.
Acknowledge baby's life and their loss
spirit babies http://www.sweetsalty.com/sweetsalty/2008/10/9/words-from...

Sending a card would be a very appropriate way to contact her and honestly I would just say what you stated in your post, that you are sending support and love her way. Since you are both aware that you are keeping tabs on each other she won't be surprised. As a matter of fact it might make her feel good to know that you care and are thinking about her even though you don't talk.

If I put myself in that situation, I would really appreciate all the support, care and love. I was not as far along as she but I had a miscarriage a few years ago at the beginning of my second trimester and found it so wonderful to have support from those around me who I didn't know that well but shared similar heartache and gave me a shoulder to cry on or even just a hug. I see no problem at all with contacting her.

Good Luck!!!

Oh, J.. I have been in your shoes. In the last ten years, I have had one friend who's baby died and one friend who's dad died. I dont remember the pariculars of the baby's death because it has been so long, and I really didnt know the wife, just the husband, but it was so sad. First thing not to do is tell your friend that everything will be ok, that they can have another, or that the three they have need her or that it was better this way. For starters, it is not going to be ok, not for a long time. Everyone grieves differently, and it will take her a long time to feel like things are ok again. Secondly, there is no baby that will ever "replace" the one they lost. There may be another spirit waiting to join their home, but it will never make up for loosing this one. She also already knows that her other kids need her and it will not make her feel any better to have someone say remember your other beautiful kids (I know this from personal experience). I think the most awful thing to say to someone is that it is better this way because they know that it would be better to be holding thier thriving child rather than burrying them.

The best thing to say is I am so sorry for your loss, and mean it. Sit with her, let her cry on your shoulders, and if you cant be there, send her some nice flowers and a card and let her know you will be there for her when ever she needs someone, even at 3am, even on the phone over thousands of miles. When my friend's baby died, I lived 1000 miles away, but I still hunted down their adress and sent them a card. I think it helps to know that people are keeping you in their thoughts and prayers at such a time. When my friend's dad died, I sent flowers for the funeral. I couldnt be there, but they knew I was thinking of them. I hope this helps you.

My husband and I also lost a daughter who passed away 37 days after she was born due to complications from congenital heart defects. You should send her a note, or call. Show her your support. But remember there is nothing that you can say or do that will take her pain away. Time helps, that's it. Do not send books on loss, religious pamplets on loss or anything that. A letter written from your heart letting her know you are thinking of her and her little angel will mean the world to her.

When i was young my stepmom and father lost a child 2 weeks before the due date. No explanation as to why my baby sister passed on. We had a little funeral for her and it was amazing what love and support we recieved from friends and family both.

A card with a simple im sorry for the loss of your child will be wonderfully appreciated by your friend ...i think it will mean alot to her that you toke the time to send your symphathies. Dont worry that you havent kept in touch for some time...just by doing this small token of kindness will mean a lot.

I think it is totally appropriate and would be welcomed to send her a card/note/flowers with condolences. No matter how long you have been apart, true friends remain close in the heart.
I am so terribly sorry for her loss, I cannot imagine either but I am sure she would feel blessed to hear from you and that you have kept up with how she is doing all this time.