Why Are Some Moms So Mean to Other Moms?(updated)

I guess it doesn't matter if it's IRL or on-line, but I rarely see stuff here that makes me think someone is being out of line. We ask for opinions, we get them! Isn't that why we pose questions? Keeping the peace isn't really the goal, is it? What's wrong with a little healthy disagreement and debate?

IRL there's no need to be judgmental and unkind and offer unsolicited advice, but on a Q&A forum, we are soliciting advice and asking for judgment. Some responses are a little blunt, but if I were looking for agreement on everything, I wouldn't pose questions and I don't think other people who pose questions are looking to be treated with kid gloves either.

Maybe I missed something, but I don't think I've seen anything truly insulting today, but I have seen some threads where people seemed a little sensitive to responses that to me seemed just fine.

Mwahahahhahaha

Sorry could't resist.

There are all different kinds of people from different backgrounds posting here. Meanness is a perception. If I were doing something boneheaded I would think it mean for everyone to smile and whistle a happy tune. On the other hand there are people who are doing boneheaded things that want people to smile and whistle a happy tune and think they are big fat meanies to not let them live in their happy place.

The best any of us can do is give the advice we would want others to give us if we were doing the same thing.

People come here for advice knowing that others can see the obvious thing they are not seeing in their problem because they are too close. Others come here for validation no matter how good or bad their choices are.

So to your question about taking a minute to decipher intentions how exactly is one to do that? Unless someone posts, say, and if this was posted today that is just a coincidence since I haven't read anything today, my husband beats me daily what should I do, what is their intent? Unless they say after that, I am being a big chicken and know I should leave, someone do some tough love on me, or I am not going to leave him and I want someone to tell me smacking me around shows his love....or any other clear statement of intent.....how does one really know that persons intent?

What I am saying is no one is trying to be mean, it is just your perception of the words based on your background, your history.

I just read your most recent edit, you should have included in real life from the get go. That changes the whole context of your question. :(

The other thing I am getting from your edits are you think the posts here are an example of jumping the gun. If you post something and the vast majority of the posts, especially those that don't know your posting style, think you mean something different than what you are trying to say, well then the problem rests in your writing, not the reader.

My oldest is 23 and my experience is nothing has changed. Everyone will always defend their choices whether it be by challenging yours or stating theirs. Sometimes the line between the two is blurry. Becoming defensive creates a fight, or perhaps struggle, at best stress, where none needed to be. Perhaps if you consider why women appear mean, defending their choices, you won't be so quick to be offended.

'What makes people think they have all the answers?' Seriously? You do realize people here are actually ASKING questions of complete strangers IN ORDER TO RECEIVE 'ANSWERS', right?

Isn't that the point?

We all have passions, we all have pet peeves, we all feel strongly about certain subjects, we all try to impress upon each other what we DO know from our own experiences. And here specifically, that's what people ask questions for right? To hear the answers?

:)

truthfully? Because once we have kids, we're all a bunch of know-it-all's!

I understand what you are talking about, A.. Just today, I was at a friend's house for coffee and she was in tears over something another woman had said to her. I have never seen her so shaken, but it's a tough pill to swallow when someone is questioning your character.

I love what you said about taking a minute to decipher intentions. The last sentence of your first paragraph is something we all need (I am including myself, of course!) to keep in mind when our hackles get raised!

Great post!

In a forum like this its because we don't talk as if that person is actually real. We forget and speak as though there were no real feelings to hurt. And sometimes women let their aggressions out on this site, kind of in the same way that timid people can make really rude and aggressive drivers. Because its an outlet and they feel safe in their car. None of its excusable, but its what happens. In real life I don't encounter this at all, but I believe it goes on. I have no explanation.

how are we supposed to 'decipher intentions'?
IRL or in an online forum, everyone responds to the words that are spoken or written, in a fashion that jives with their personality. of course it behooves folks to be courteous and pleasant. but the best intentions in the world won't mean squat to folks who are hyper-sensitive or looking for offense.
there is no 'keeping the peace', at least without drawn guns and barbed wire. i prefer the occasional kerfuffle to enforced 'peace.'
khairete
S.

You need to cut out the mean people!! I learned the hard way to only surround myself with supportive friends. I had one bad experience with a "friend" who started being snarky, catty and down right rude with her comments to me about my parenting. I cut that woman out of my life so fast! I have lots of close friends, and we are supportive and sympathetic of each other. We never talk behind each others backs. But I have this awesome group of friends because that is what I sought out, and I would not accept any less out of friends.

If you have friends who are being mean to each other (over parenting, or anything else) then you need to reconsider your group of friends. If you only allow good genuine people around you, this won't be an issue. Good luck.

I would have to say I need more details as to what you are referring; that has not been my experience at all. On the contrary I have found motherhood has been an instant link to my conversations or empathic support, such as a moment of a complete meltdown. At the park, even cross cultures instant smiles when we glance at each other's children play together, but we adults keep that distance. I have found my experience to be a great one.

I find that 99% people are perfectly nice and it's that 1% that are not. I think they just really think they know better and they have all the answers on a specific topic. They feel superior and they are trying to "educate" others. I have gotten my feelings hurt and I just respond kindly to that person but I make the mental check in my mind putting them on the list of "those kind of people". It sucks...but what are you gonna do?! Just stay away from that person I say and hang out with the nice people!

Because moms get carried away sometimes and forget they are not talking to their kids, lol

I don't think anyone purposely intends to be "mean" to someone else. I think it depends on the persons personality and how factual and blunt they are. Some moms while giving advice in response to a question will go on and on and on and on...some sugar coat it and try to make nice-nice...some with just say it like it is (ME!) which however its said is their opinion. If you post a question, you have to know that it could be taken any number of ways and there are lots of different personalities that can and will respond however they want. Just my opinion... :o)

I sometimes wonder the same thing. As kids werent we all taught if you cant say something nice dont say anything at all?
we are all entitled to our opinions but if you dont agree with something why do you have to put someone else down?

Some people take offense when none is meant. Others are a little too blunt. People have a hard time understanding another's reality an din turn can end up being too judgemental. I believe in most cases, the truth lies in the middle.

Oh, and some moms are pure idiots and should be reported to cps, you better believe I'm going to call them out on it. This of course, is a small percentage.

More specifics please?

Do you mean in person or on this site or both?

Insecurity. The fear that someone might think they are not a good enough mom or person....but Nobody is a perfect mom or person for that matter. It makes it a little easier to take others' judgement if you know that someone has probably made them feel the same way throughout their life. Definitely calmly stand up for yourself but don't be confrontational, just nicely say your piece and walk away and let that person absorb what you've said. Who knows maybe eventually you will become friends if you can break their tough barrier. If not, know that you are the better person and cut your losses.

Well I mainly have received nice response. Normally I ignore the not so nice responses. It is like everywhere else there are mostly kind good people with a few unkind people. I pray for those unkind people what makes them respond so abrasive.
Focus on the good,kind,wonderful people. Pray for the people that their first reaction is to be nasty.Maybe they have despair in their life and they take it out on others.
Be happy...now smile. Make it a great day.

Why are people mean to each other? Lots of reasons. One of the main ones today: Hurt people hurt people.

On this site, mommas hold grudges as if it is real life.

They form friendships and then gang up on their online enemies--wow..lol