Why So Many Mean Answers? Some Nice, Some Not So Much.

Because sometimes people ask dumb questions.
"Am I pregnant" = if you had sex, yes
"Is my husband cheating" = probably
"Does this dress look good" = no
"How do I handle a rude neighbor" = punch them in the throat

A lot depends on the mood I'm in.
The site does a real service to the community if people can blow off steam/temper here rather than at home by kicking their dog/kids/husband.
I feel the same way about telemarketers and door to door salesmen.
I'd much rather vent some spleen at strangers rather than at friends and loved ones.
It's cheaper than paying some psychologist for scream therapy.

I always get some mean answers no matter what I post. There are a few names I've started to recognize and I dread even reading their responses. I always try to be polite and don't think I have ever been mean on here - but I guess some people are mean so they are going to be mean on here, and some people are wimps who want to be mean so they use this site where people don't know who they are for their big chance to be mean.

This question gets asked often. People here are just like people anywhere: nice/nasty; well-balanced/dysfunctional; smart/not so much; good mood/bad mood; sense of humor/not. Even factors like whether or not a participant slept last night, or is in the throes of PMS or a hot flash can probably make a difference on any given day.

I always answer as politely as I can, even if I'm alarmed or angered by the content of some requests. I base this choice on The Golden Rule, and also what I've learned from my studies of Non-Violent Communication. If I say something rude, no matter how "right," the recipient is not likely to hear it. If I can be empathetic, they are more likely to be able to use some part of what I suggest. And I have been deeply hurt by other people's rude judgments, and would not knowingly pass that pain on to anyone. There's already way too much pain and meanness in the world. For me, it's that simple.

A quote from an unknown source: What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of the iceberg hidden from sight. More often than not, it's lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul. We help heal each other when we respect the feelings of others.

I respond (for the most part) the way I would to a real friend, in real life, sometimes with humor, sometimes with sensitivity and sometimes with a big ol' "honey you need to put on your big girl pants!"
My answers may sometimes be perceived as rude or mean, but really they are usually just blunt, and always thoughtful and honest.
ETA: well, I suppose I have (rarely) been hostile, but only when I feel I see someone hurting their kids, being cruel, expecting way too much of a young child, stuff like that.

Some people think they know more than the person asking the question. The responder may believe themselves to be somehow superior, that the inquirer is beneath them somehow, intellectually, emotionally, etc. The responder may feel, as so many do on the internet, invincible and that the internet bequeaths them the 'right' or 'entitlement' to be rude because really, there are no consequences to the respective, obnoxious responses. Some people actually think that a few sentences is somehow a testament to the inquirer's character or a window into their home, and thus, justifies the responder to answer in any way he/she feels at the moment, thus the "You're post has me so angry." Really? Reading a few paragraphs on the internet elicits that much of an emotional outrage? My other favorite is the internet spelling police, judging one's intellect by spell-checking.

We tolerate it because we get so many nice answers and it overrides the negative. I know I do. I get tons of positive, nice energy here.

It's kind of like the road rager on the highway, just let the 'roaring rager' drive on by. C'est la ve, internet rager, C'est la ve. :)

I am myself. When I answer a post on here, I answer just like I would do if I were speaking to the poster face to face. Before I hit "done" with my answer, I go back and re-read to make sure I would say that to someone's face.

I realize that I am blunt and some people do not take very kindly to that. It is not meant to insult anyone... it is the way I am. I am not going to write a sugar coated response just so I don't hurt someone's feelings. Sometimes, someone needs to see a response, read it and allow it to hit them in the face with reality.

At the same time, I find it frustrating when someone asks a question and gets good solid ideas only to flounce off the site spewing venom at everyone because she/he didn't hear what they wanted to hear (which is sugar coated responses).

I will not blow smoke up someone's pants. If someone wants that, then they need to talk to his/her groups of friends. who will blow smoke and make everything loving, kisses and happy happy

If someone wants a REAL answer on this site, they can get it. They might not like what they read or interpret but they can (or should) get a feel as to how their question was poised and how it was perceived by the regular population on MP.

I am fully aware that my answers to could I be pregnant can be taken the wrong way. Still.. I stand by my standard answer... unprotected sex equals potential pregnancy.... DUH

Just last night I answered a post and someone called me out for being ignorant, LOL, because I didn't see her point of view. No love lost... I don't pretend to be perfect and know everything because I am far from that as everyone else on this site is as well.

You just take the answers with a grain of salt. Some can be very helpful and enlightening and some you just shake you head and think... "What on earth is that person drinking right now" and move on. I do not participate in hate mail either... My time is worth more than that to me.

Hopefully that gives you a little insight, at least from my perspective. Have a great day.

I think women here read WAAAY too much into tone, first of all. Second of all, I think women come here to have sunshine blown up their skirts. They ask for "advice" and expect people to pussyfoot around their bad decisions and validate them as their girlfriends would. We aren't girlfriends here. A lot of time, they just want people to agree with them and aren't truly open to anything else. I would always prefer blunt honesty over flowery silliness. Go on a site for appliance repair and see how the men address each other! They call each other names and swear at each other - they don't get their knickers in a twist over it, they move on. This site has way too many whiners, in my opinion.

I usually try to be helpful, but I admit that I have been mean a few times. Usually it is because there is a perfect storm of the question hitting something that is emotional for me plus my answering at a time when I am tired and cranky and I don't have the patience to answer gently. There have been a few times when I felt bad. There have been a rare few times when I upset someone unintentionally through genuine misunderstanding, and I always try to clarify and apologize. If I said something mean that I regret, but meant, I stand by it. There was a recent post asking about a situation where the husband was having babies with someone else and she was still having sex with him. Either a troll post, or a woman who really needed to be shaken by the shoulders until she wakes up. Not nice of me, and I felt a little bad about my not nice response, but I meant it and I stand by it. If I had been in a better mood, I probably would have phrased it differently.

Most of the time I answer nicely. Or what I consider to be.
But there are times when I am rude.
Like when I think someone is a troll.
Or when we are asked for the billionth time, "could I be pregnant?"
Or when I am just feeling like someone is having a big ol' pitty party for themselves. Suck it up!
Most of the time I am pretty straight forward and some people could consider that to be mean. I don't. It just means that I know the world isn't made of glitter with rainbows and unicorns.
L.

I did not answer your question as you omitted a lot of things. The SWH was helpful but it was after the fact. Many posters answered as best they could with what you gave.

The east coast is different because many people live very close to one another on a city block. I am from the east coast.

I am sorry you were kind of put in the middle to be the rental agent when they should have had an agency do it. Nothing ruins friendships faster than something like this. The fact that the neighbors were trying to "hide" their income is a red flag to me. Perhaps they got what they deserved because they were not honest. You were the ones who bore the brunt of the renters and were tainted.

Go forward with a cordial relationship. You were tight before the move and now you are not. Perhaps the fence can be mended in time. If you have made new friends please keep them and enjoy them. Remember people change and so do situations.

Have a good weekend. I am sorry my fellow posters came across a bit much for you.

the other S.

Define "mean", define "nice".

One person's straightforward, honest advice is another person's rude answer. Toss in communication by written word only and differences in culture and you're going to get a range of answers and delivery styles.

Don't you know people in your real life who are blunt, passive-aggressive, super outgoing, shy, introverted, loud, quiet, guarded or hanging out there for all to see?

My favorite thing about this site is the diversity in answers. Take what you like and leave what you don't like right there on your computer screen.

I thought what Peg said was beautiful, and wish I always had such a kind and thoughtful attitude.

That said, some people come onto this site and their post is so bombastic, so over-the-top that not calling them on their part of the situation, the drama they are creating... it's a part of the problem (if not the biggest part) and thus, needs to be mentioned as part of the solution. So often, the problem wouldn't even be a huge, monumental problem if the poster could gain a little perspective or take it down a notch or two. Therefore, if someone is in agonies over stuff which just needs a little objectivity and common sense, I tend to be a bit curt. Sort of 'we can have a thousand good suggestions for you, but it won't matter unless you can get a grip'.

@____@____.com - though I don't agree 100% with your response to this question, I still chuckled out loud =)

I think it comes back to the tolerance-thing. People have very little tolerance for difference of opinions. And they are opinions for the most part as I don't think anyone can honestly say that they in fact do have all the knowledge in the universe on life and even if they did - it's their life not everyone else's.

I love receiving responses that are enlightening and no, they don't have to share my "opinions or perspectives." But I dislike the ones that show no respect or heavy handed with the negativity.

There is a reason I have never posted questions on this site.

On the other hand, I try to frame answers as if the stranger I were talking to were a person worth respecting. If there's a real problem - and there usually is, at least in the heart of the person asking - it's worth a real answer, not a vent. An answer needs to have more light than heat in it. Some subjects are hard to treat that way, because I feel very strongly about them, but it's worth the attempt.

If I can't manage it, I don't answer. Sometimes I will write out my very emotional, rude, venting-type response, tweak it so it's perfectly what I want to say, and then click the cancel button. I've gotten my reply off my chest without doing damage (and it would be damage) to anybody else.

I don't know what others think of my answers because I don't compare or check back (except for flower notifications). Because all people operate basically on emotion, my answers may definitely be disliked. But, based on the way some folks answer (and feel justified to answer), I doubt that they consider me rude. It's more likely they just consider me plain stupid! :^)

I don't think I answer rudely unless the question was rude. I may answer simply and directly (I worked for 6 years on technical documents where fluff was not appreciated) and there are people who will never take anything more than "yes, ma'am, you are totally right" as an answer. If you think an answer is hostile, scroll on by.

The pat answer I've always seen people offering - My style is to the point so I may come across as rude. Some wil take it the way I meant while others will think it is rude and mean.

Funny because I find rude to be rude regardless of excuses or delivery. To each there own, I suppose.

I think some of the rudeness is just that people come from really different places in the coutnry, in life, in demographics, etc.

I live on Long Island so I know Hicksville neighborhoods and if 2 guys were sleeping on your nieghbor's front yard I'd know it's not far from your bedroom windows, or the are where the kids are playing or riding their bikes. If the other writers are from rural area they don't understand at all.

I didn't really understand the extent of the renter's issues (were they college kids playing loud music, guys on motorcycles, etc.) until you included them in the SWH space.

Of course, there are some mean people on here - and everywhere else. Ignore them. You have my persmission.

L.,

The problem is? You can't make EVERYONE happy. You just can't. So it doesn't matter if you blow smoke up someone's dress - they might not like it.

I answer as if you and I are talking. Unfortunately, it's a tad one-sided since you only get to post your "side" or statement/question and hear my opinion or experience.

It's the written word, if you don't like what I say - you will NOT smile when you read it. Some people do NOT like to hear the truth - as much as they say "I can handle the truth" - they can't. So the MINUTE it becomes an even clearer reality? The answer given is considered mean or rude or whatever you term you want to use for it.

Also, there are MANY of us who have been here for YEARS and "know" each other...and there's already a bias in place so while the "cliques" may not admit it - they won't give out flowers for advice. And to be honest? The few that I totally disagree with? I ignore them. So when I see their answer? I skip over it. Plain and simple. If that hurts their feelings? oh well. that's life.

So bottom line? You will NEVER EVER make everyone happy. and NOT everyone can handle the truth when pointed out to them...

Hi L.,

Back to the old adage...I try to treat others the way I would like to be treated. This usually translates to considerate and nice responses. The only time I feel I've stepped over into a rude place is if I believe the posting is fake and/or it has wasted my time by being posted by a troll. Have a great day. S.

I think that we have this shield around us when we're on here. Sometimes we are saying something and really are sincere but it doesn't come across that way.

I do tend to be honest too. I have a lot of frustration for those who have asked a question and it's been asked 2-3 times in the last 24-36 hours. If they'd just search it or ready previous questions for the last page or 2 they'd see a bunch of answers to that same questions.

My answers are "MY OPINION" and I'm always saying that. If they don't like what I'm saying then skip over it and find some you do like.

I do think if I was sitting next to someone asking my advice I'd often say the same thing. It would sound different since it's voice to voice but still sound advice.

I am very very honest when I respond to someone, sometimes people take the truth as hostility or someone being mean. I think much of the time responses people think are really rude really are just really honest, but not in agreeance with what the asker believes or wants to hear.

Some people are just mean. There are a few people on here that I have no desire to read 90% of what they write. It's clear to me that they think meanness is being clever. When I was younger, I loved sarcasm. Now I understand how mean it actually is.

I do have my passionate issues, but I try to be respectful. I try to treat people as I would like to be treated. I also delete a lot. I will write long replies and then realize that it isn't helpful to say things that may hurt. I love direct conversation and honesty, but I don't feel like I have enough detail with most questions to have a "heart to heart" conversation. Out of respect for the unknown, I try to point in helpful directions without hurting feelings.

Of course people can have vastly different perspectives.

I can say this, I am the same here as I am in person. Being true, honest and kind are principle I strive to replicate.

Peg m., like usual, has a terrific answer.

I don't think everyone is trying to be mean, it's just that the post is interpreted as such.. same with emails at work.. if you don't know a person really well, then trying to discern what they said via their typing, you can't really know for sure... thing is... if we shape and sugarcoat all answers, then are people really being objective... and too, sometimes when someone posts something, I don't think they want the real truth of the matter, instead they want people to take their side.. and in a forum as such, that just won't happen...
I've posted things and not all the answers I recd were polite (or so I thought) on the other hand, something to be said about a person who has nothing vested in you as a friend and because of it, you may get raw honesty... most of the time, people beat around the bush in our daily lives...

I posed a similar question that was a spin off of a blog on here entitled prejudice and parenting. I typed it on my iPad and didn't realize how discombobulated the text was (spell check likes to change my words and sometimes the cursor moves).
I understand that sometimes the "mean" answers are really just blunt-and most that I have recieved did provoke thought.
I'm not that type of person-and even in 'real life' I try to avoid negativity and won't answer questions unless I feel that I can help.
But everyone's different. I have friends that are blunt or sarcastic and they may not give the answers I want to hear-but we still have great conversations.

Sometimes it's because I assume it's a troll.

I usually try to answer in a nice, helpful way. I don't know if my answers actually do help anyway, but I certainly try in most cases!

I almost always answer rudely to "could I be pregnant" questions because they are just too stupid for me to handle. Yes, I know I could just not click on them, but I do. It's basic sex ed and it drives me crazy.

There are a couple of issues that I feel strongly about and, while not intended, my answers my sometimes come out harsh because my feelings are so strong. In those cases, I don't intend to insult and often try to mitigate my reply a little to show that I'm not trying to be mean.

I find that interpreting intent has more to do with the reader than the writer. The majority of people on this site are trying to help. I think that is important to keep in mind.

Therefore, I see very few "mean" responses. I see answers that are blunt, flowery, snarky, funny, well thought out, dumb, ignorant and stupid. Yeah, and that goes for questions too.

Peg M., I wish I could send you a thousand flowers.

Good question! What makes me so mad is when I get rude replys!! And then, when I mention the rude reply in the "so what happened" section, I get accused of being a hypocrite - i.e., "why did you ask for our opinion if you don't like our answers??" Really?? They can still give an opinion that is different from mine without being a complete bit** about it! Haven't they heard of politely disagreeing with someone? Just because their opinion is different, doesn't mean they have to be mean about it. Makes me so mad how inconsiderate and rude people are!

Also - recently, I gave a rude reply because the poster was so rude and judgmental in her question! She judged her friend's mothering so horribly, as if she was ms. perfect, and it made me angry! I told her I was glad I wasn't her friend, seeing how horribly she was judging her friend. If the question is not rude and judgmental, I would never give a rude reply back, no matter how much I disagree.

Questions and responses, get all kinds of responses.
Responses to questions, even get critiqued.
Some people just do not like the questions asked, nor the responses that are posted even if they are not the person that posted the question.
Some are great.
Some are not.
At least this is a online thing, not your next door neighbor.

Whenever you pose a question online you have to be prepared for responses that ruffle your feathers a bit. That said, I am as respectfully honest as can be when answering a question online. The problem is some folks are just more sensitive to responses than others. I would never answer an online question in a rude or hostile way because that would be like kicking a person when they are already down. Just my two cents.

Writing answers is difficult. Sometimes we don't mean to sound flip or mean, but it is interpreted that way.