Why Are Some People Mean?

It's hard, but you can't take it personally. On a public forum such as this, they're all kinds of people.

Thanks Angela, I'll revisit the book. I know I shouldn't take anything personally, but when I'm feeling sick, it's hard to not feel everything. And you are right, we are all just human - all too human, as Nietzsche would say.

It was ME!!

I am a tad frustrated about the original poster, and *I* amended my post so as not to SO clearly 'call her out'.

Funny thing is, J., that you have now 'outed' yourself!

You have been on this forum for a very L O N G time, and we ALL (well, most of us) have read your myriad posts. I think, by and large, you receive very sound advice from so many that have dealt with very similar situations.

In many cases, you seem to prefer beating your head against a wall. Or reading a book. Or recommending OTHER's read a book.

I LOVE love to read. I have a wonderfully good spirit. I do not perceive myself as mean. I am for sure not attention seeking.

I am sorry your feelings were/are hurt.

Sometimes parenting requires actual PARENTING...not reading theories that will/will not be 'proven' for another generation or two (or never!).

*I* am tired of reading some of your responses/posts.

*I* will take the high road from now on, and just read over them, or ignore.

*I* am sorry I did not take the 'high road' to begin with.

ETA: Per your SWH.... you asked what feelings fighting covers up. Have you noticed that you tend to have these crises on this site right around the time you are going to be around others for an extended period of time? I'd also offer this piece of advice: there are times when we just need to disengage with that which does not nourish us. Consider the time you spend on this site: wouldn't it be more worthwhile to focus on things which do feed your soul? You only have X amount of time to your personal discretion--- personally, if I were not happy with what was going on in some 'optional' part of my life (and Mamapedia is optional) I would put that on hold for a while and focus on other things. I've done this from time to time and highly recommend it. Take a break and come back when you are feeling better, after all the relatives have gone. It's advice I would give myself.

****** original post:

This question seriously boggles my tiny mind. Weren't you the person who called every last one of us cunts last year?

Weren't you the person who has argued with people who have ADD/ADHD saying that in France it doesn't exist and therefore is a figment of imagination? What kind of judgment and meanness were you placing on these mothers, inferring that they are medicating their children for 'nothing'? (By the way, those moms have been a staunch and supportive resource as we have had our own journey, our son was diagnosed with ADD and while we don't have him on meds, it IS real.)

What kind of gaslighting is it to tell people that their problems are all in their heads and don't need medical attention? What kind of BS is it for you to turn around, ''explain" where your own mean actions stem from, and then grill us in the hopes of making a "discussion" of Felinestroller? I could go on, but I won't. Just take a moment and see where the cognitive dissonance is, J..

And no, this isn't kind, but I also don't like seeing someone turned into a punching bag so others can stand on their podium and pontificate on how much more evolved they themselves are.

Why did you post this?

J., while I get that you are upset, this is not a very good example of nonviolent communication. You're upset about someone calling you out, and in turn calling them out. You're upset that she made an unkind comment about your parenting, so you're making an unkind comment about hers.

If you're going to engage in positive conflict management, you focus on how YOU feel and what happened to YOU. You do not turn around and say spiteful or hurtful things about them. It's hypocritical, dear. If your intent is to take the higher road in disagreements, you've failed to do so here. In a rather mean way.

i dunno. i didn't see the post as mean, i saw it as exasperated. this very post is full of the reasons why i personally share her exasperation. it's all about kindness, generosity, empathy, compassion and joy, and yet this doesn't seem to be what you live- it's stress, pain, sadness, endless backpedaling, confusion and more stress.
and yet when anyone tries to offer suggestions, it's endless excuses and anger over how misunderstood you are.
so i think there IS concern. for you. but like many, you seem to view any disagreement as 'meanness and negative energy.'
i like you, J.. for the most part, i think you're a cool chick doing your best. but the defensiveness and endless angst while refusing to do the work to change gets old over the years.
i would love to see you get happy. i wish i saw signs of it coming to pass.
khairete
S.

Oh J., save the crocodile tears for another site where people have shorter memories. You have a long history of baiting, name calling and (sorry) acting holier than thou.

Sure, Feline's response was a bit pointed but compared to stuff you've said on here it was a cream puff. Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.

We can be mean and nasty for many reasons, because we are frustrated, hungry, tired, discouraged, not feeling validated, a million reasons.
I've seen parents who expect their children never to say anything negative, never to raise their voices against one another. All I can think is where does all that negative emotion go? Well it gets buried of course, where the poor kid is just left to try to process it on her own, because mommy only likes the "happy/good" part of me.
Have you seen the movie Inside Out? I suggest you do. It's about exactly this topic, about how kids need to experience ALL the emotions to be well rounded, loving people. One cannot live on joy alone, sadness and pain are the things that make us stronger, more empathetic human beings.
I mean, look at it this way, I am a good friend and supporter of all the women in my life, mothers or not. I tell them when I'm happy for them and proud, but you'd better believe if I feel like they're doing something foolish or unhealthy I'll call them on it, even if it seems "mean" because I CARE.
And you know, the truth often hurts, so if you are so hurt over something someone said (someone you don't even know!) you may want to think about that, about why it strikes a nerve...?

Not all moms are mean to each other. Some moms on here are of course. There is a regular who I don't think can answer a question nicely. Feel sorry for her. She must be insecure deep down. There is another who likes to pay herself on the back constantly and is often mean and I roll my eyes bc she is so not the big shot she thinks she is. Her world is just tiny compared to most cities in this country. But you can be holier than thou to be honest which is going to rub some people the wrong way. And if like many people who like to act all perfect, you are really so insecure with your choices deep down, you should get some help. We all feel like bad moms on some days but you often post seeming to be in distress and to write you think you're messing up your kids means something is going on. I criticize myself and worry like crazy about my kids but also have a sense I'm doing the best I can and kids are who they are so parenting is just part of it so I'm not going to make myself crazy etc. I think that's pretty normal. Your feelings seem more extreme. Any maybe you take things to an extreme when being a little more moderate can be good. You posted something the other day about your daughter just being so amazing and I rolled my eyes at that. It's either obnoxious you think your daughter is so amazing meaning better than other kids or you're being unrealistic that you feel the need to say or think she's amazing. You like to say how smart you all are and you know what? Lots of people are smart. Get over it. Keep things in perspective. Every parent likes to think their kid is so amazing. I prefer to keep my feet on the ground. My kids are smart but I don't focus on that bc who knows how they will turn out. Lots of smart people are utter failures. Lots of great qualities do not translate to good things in adulthood. So if you want peace, try moderation. Your kids are smart. Great. Let's hope they turn out well. I can't imagine posting my daughter is so special or whatever word you used. I don't think it's healthy. You're going to such extremes. On the other hand you're ruining your kids? Try for some balance and if you can't get it, try some professional help. Things always so so perfect for you or so horrible. There should be a happy medium.

I think you'll find the older you get the less this stuff will bother you, and the more confident you will be in your choices.
I'm lucky that I didn't start having kids until I was in my thirties. Even though I for sure had some insecure moments I wasn't really phased by the "mommy drama" in the media or on the playground. I mean, women are just as competitive as men IMO. If they are stuck home with dirty diapers and runny noses all day of course you are going to get snippy and start making comparisons. Who wouldn't? You think a man could do what we do without losing his mind (and manners) sometimes?
My kids were happy and healthy, made friends easily and we lived in a nice community with pretty good schools. Even my youngest, who had some learning delays, did just fine between the extra attention she got from me and the professional help she received at school.
So when you are feeling down, be glad you are HERE, in America, and not in so many other places in the world, where healthcare and education and even just being a woman is a challenge.
And if you are truly unhappy at home, GO TO WORK. We have that choice, thank GOD. Pay someone else to deal with the minutia and come home and enjoy your kids 100 percent.

Well, I missed all of the drama, apparently.
End of the day? If you are happy and have happy healthy kid/s? Who cares what anyone else has to say or thinks?

But know I'm really confused-- are you replying to your own post? Good Lord..

Just remember, J., people are mean to EVERYONE on here. I've been stung plenty of times, but I realize it's the nature of some to do that and it's an anonymous forum, it's not personal since people don't know me, and the good outweighs the bad for me as far as advice and variety. I've gotten REALLY good help here too even if some posts are pointless attacks. What hurts me most actually is when I see other people getting stung for their posts (unless their original post was somehow super terrible which sometimes happens) because I hate knowing they're feeling hurt. I've sent a few PMs telling people not to take things personally from the meanies out there.

I like your perspective on this site and many others. I've been offline for a couple weeks so I missed the posts you're referring to. Chin up! It happens to us all. Doesn't make it OK but it will never change so you have to ignore it. Which is not easy when you've been a specific target, but it happens. Sorry!

I find even in some of the meanest posts that have been most wrong about what I said...I can find a kernel of usefulness. Even if they are off-base I can see how my words could have been misinterpreted, and it helps me express myself going forward.

And whenever someone lists all their strengths (like how enlightened and non-violent they are raising their kids to be vs people who therefore must be purposely raising their kids to be violent) it's like vulture bait. Like, I don't know the dialogue leading to this post, but saying your kids aren't allowed to fight? I can see the vulture bait in that. I don't agree it should have been attacked but I can see where some personalities would pounce. I don't "let" my kids fight either...at school and other people's houses....but holy heck are they cats and dogs at times and so are all my friend's kids and so were my brother and I. We weren't allowed snide, disrespectful bickering or fist fights in front of our parents (because they were easily annoyed and it was inappropriate indoor behavior), but outside playing all day was a Fight Club free-for-all at times and battles of scathing words. Most kids fight and grow to be healthy, compassionate people. So I can see how "my kids are never allowed to fight" could come off as Pollyanna-ish to some. Not sure why it would provoke a mean response, but again, some people are mean. Don't let it shade your expression too much, but it's something to keep in mind..

I missed the comment so I don't know what was said exactly or who said it. It's interesting that the comment was amended - don't know if that means the writer thought better of it, or if you complained directly to her, or if you complained to the moderator who contacted her (although moderator actions don't usually come that quickly on this site anymore).

I think some people come on this site and others because it's anonymous, and that provides a layer of protection - people complain about their husbands but won't address the men directly, rant about schools or neighbors, and so on. And of course there is a virulent response to any first question by a new poster - God forbid someone might get a question in and not be called "troll" at the get-go. And we see it in politics, where the primary focus is often on tearing someone down or deflecting the voters' attention to some inflammatory issue, rather than actually coming up with a plan to fix a problem.

I think meanness is a reflection of personal anger, pre-existing hurt, and a feeling of powerlessness over their own lives. If someone doesn't feel confident or loved or appreciated, and can't make others build them up, the next reaction is knocking someone else down.

That said, sometimes we care a lot about an issue and don't want to be misunderstood or kicked when we're down. So sometimes there is sensitivity on our parts that the responder doesn't know about, and we can overreact on some occasions. I'm not saying this happened here because I didn't see the exchange you're talking about.

I'm sorry you were hurt and I do enjoy your posts and comments, so please don't let one mean mom derail you.

J., keep on your path. You are not alone. Adulthood is hard. Motherhood is way hard.

Yes, I did think the comment was hurtful and I think you needed to come on here and say so. Now perhaps you can take a step back, consider all that you do well, cry if you need to, and get back on that winding road of Motherhood.

P.S. I think we've all felt like crummy moms way too many times. If you think that this feeling hovers over you, please reach out for professional help. Given all your desires and hard work, this might just be what you deserve to be more at peace. All my best.

Oh my god, B, I hope you stopped the kids from pulling off the butterfly wings? That's horrendous.

I think I'm sometimes more blunt on this site than I would be in real life, which can maybe come off as mean, especially when there's no tone or body language or to couch what I say. I'm also more blunt, as I suspect others are, because most of us don't know each other and this is an advice site and we all know why we're here, which is to give advice, not make each other feel good.

I didn't read the post you're referring to, so I don't know what that's all about. But in real life, I try not to be mean, and I don't think I'm a mean person. Why people are mean usually has to do with insecurity and a need to feel important. But I'm not referring to the poster you are talking about, because as I said, I didn't read it. I am just answering this question generically.

And I agree with Amy that you can usually find a kernel of usefulness even in the meanest post. And J., how did you answer your own question?

I haven't seen what you're talking about yet (I was gone for the weekend, so I'm catching up.) I'm glad that you admit that sometimes you're mean, too. You wrote some pretty mean stuff on one of your SWH's a while back when you didn't like people's answers to a question. (You called women here a word that I refuse to use, and actually, that's saying a lot. It hurt my eyes when I read it and I was absolutely floored that you would write it here.) A lot of other people were pretty upset by it, too. It's nice that you're working on things, but you don't seem to give others ANY consideration compared to what you did.

Some people are always pushing the envelope on rudeness. Some people are syrupy sweet. Some people are in between.

Hope this hasn't been mean. I'm just trying to be honest, but I really do think that you have a totally different set of expectations for others than you do for yourself. And that doesn't go over well or earn you any points when it comes to what you're saying here.

There is a saying.. "hurt people, hurt people"..... You hit the nail on the head when said that when you are mean, it's usually because you are hurt and lashing out. I think the same for others. I don't think it's right, but I have seen it happen over and over (not just here) but in everyday life...
That said, when or if someone has made a negative reference to something I said or at times, even a question I posted whereby I didn't even understand why negativity was needed.. I IGNORE them.. I go on here and either post a question or answer any questions that might include something I have experience with... otherwise, I don't get too caught up in other peoples' opinions on here. IF I allowed myself to do that, at times I would become upset...
I do think that some women are meaner to each other than men are to one another. I have seen this time and time again in the workplace . Additionally, even in my own biological family which has a lot of dysfunction, I have a relative who didn't raise any of his children and a niece who gave up her child up for adoption to a loving home... guess who gets more grief.. my niece.... yet... her brother who had SEVERAL kids and didn't do a thing for his kids gets off the hook.. she has one child and her had more than four..... there is definitely a double standard when it comes to women... and often the double standard comes from other women..

I think I will answer your one question, when you said 'what do people gain by being mean to others?
And I think this is an answer, although some might disagree.
They are mean because for one slight moment, it makes them feel totally significant, less insecure and very powerful. They feel a little bit better than someone else until they walk back into their own totally human existence where they find no one is perfect.And that world makes us all have to look inside ourselves, too.

Have you ever read The Four Agreements? It's a neat little book - you've probably read it (you strike me as somebody who reads) but maybe re-visit it.

I'm sorry you were hurt J.! I enjoy your voice here even when I don't agree with you.

I think moms are just like any other category of human. Subject to the same human foibles, myself included. I guess I have never really believed in this mythical "sisterhood" of motherhood.

JMO.

J.,

I've been thinking about how best to respond. I don't know the post you're talking about. We've been out of town, and I've just been skimming through the last week's stuff.

I think Suz T. offers a wonderful summation of the situation.

As with all of us, you are a work in progress. I often see extremes with your internal struggles in your posts. Maybe try to use your energies to find balance within yourself and just focus on you and how you want to change instead of focusing so much on others and their motives.

People are mean, sometimes. We are all human. All fallible. We all have bad moments, but if we're truly trying to grow and become better people, those moments should be fewer over time.

People who are routinely mean, negative, back-biting, passive-aggressive, and undeservedly critical have their own issues and their own path they need to traverse. There's not much you can do about that but let them go on their way. It serves no purpose for you to obsess about it. Move on and minimize their importance in your life. (And truly, if you're giving anyone here any power in your life to the point it's affecting your emotions and well-being, you've got to stop that now).

There is no one definitive way to parent. No perfect set of one-size-fits-all rules. While you are finding a balance with what works best for your family, just remain open to learning new things and realize people may do things differently than you. Doesn't make one right and one wrong. Just different.

I wish you the best.

J. F.

I read both comments in the previous post and can only say everyone is different, there is no right or wrong, except in our own opinions. Much like the author of the book you read says not to pick sides, well, that suggests remaining neutral. To remain neutral in my opinion is to accept every opinion, comment, and action as one’s own right of expression, without expectation they will be more like this or that.

While there are people in the world willing to accept others for who or what they are, not everyone is like that. You will drive yourself crazy wondering why people are not like you.

Perhaps by calling them out, they will retract their words and find a kind way to put things next time, perhaps they were taught to say what they mean, or maybe they totally disagree with your method. In any event, one thing is for sure, everyone has an opinion.

I will share with you, this post defies the method of remaining neutral.

Brush it off and enjoy the rest of your weekend.